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  • I donít know what to do

    Salam

    Im in a really tough situation at the moment and have no idea what to do. And I donít even know if Iím in the wrong or right so Iím hoping that your perspectives can help.

    I live with ny mother father and siblings. I am currently working for a year before I return to studies and hoping to get some savings together from this for my future. My parents have had problems for years now. Itís always the same things and itís like a cycle of arguments then nothing then arguments again and itís starting take its toll on me mentally. My father works and yet has no money for the bills at all and tells my mother to pay for everything. She pays for everything for us whereas my father simply has to pay one bill and the mortgage. Everything else my mother takes care of. The arguments have always been about money. We have another house we used to live in which is rented. My father wanted my mother to sell it but she saved it for us kids. It pays for our education and without it we wouldnít have one. He always bases the not selling of that house for the reason he has no money but he doesnít have to pay towards it and always brings up arguments. It pays for itself and what remains goes to us kids and our education

    He has been physically and verbally abusive to my mother about it even in front of us. It got so bad that he didnít let us in the house because my mother wouldnít give him money. Weíd stay outside at night until he opened it. My mother had enough and told the police. But heís gone back to the same way again. She told about keeping us out but not about the physical abuse just that he was keeping us kids of out the house. She shouldíve told. She has to deal with so much because of him. A few times he threatens her with knives, to wait till she comes to Pakistan and heíll cut her into pieces. Slapping her in front of us physically trying to drag her out of the house. Once at night he wet his hand and forces water over my mothers face saying Iím not gonna let you sleep then youíll fall asleep at work and get fired.

    My mother doesnít give him money anymore either. She realised he has money he just doesnít want to provide for us. So heís started asking me. I gave most of my salary to him one month. Then the next month he asked again. And now heís asked again. I donít know what to do. He doesnít think of us and our future and this job is for a year and I have uni debt to pay too which I want to do myself. I want to save for my future. He works yet apparently has no money at all. And I saw a recent letter where he got a big refund which is enough for the bills. Yet he has no money he says. Iím an extremely sensitive person and I really have trouble saying no. People have told me I shouldnít feel guilty as itís my money and itís not my responsibility. Iím really stressed about this all the other day I cried so much over it I damaged my eye. Iíve had enough I canít live like this. I get scared to come home and then at the same time Iím scared to leave Home because what if something happens to my mother what if he does something to her?!

    I feel we should leave. But I donít know what to do. Am I wrong?

  • #2
    No, this is not right to blame yourself. Your father behavior sounds like someone who uses his money for gambling or drugs and when he runs out he seeks to extort other sources like your mother. I am not saying that he is doing that but that is the type of behavior of someone who does or is living a double life. Sounds like a very bad situation and if your mother fears for her life then she should get a restraining order against him.
    "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

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    • #3
      If your mother is strong enough I would suggest throw him out the current house and pay off the mortgage by selling the other house. He clearly has money so can rent an a room somewhere.

      A few times he threatens her with knives, to wait till she comes to Pakistan and heíll cut her into pieces. Slapping her in front of us physically trying to drag her out of the house. Once at night he wet his hand and forces water over my mothers face saying Iím not gonna let you sleep then youíll fall asleep at work and get fired.
      One day he might get into a fit of rage and end your mother's life.....how old are all the siblings ? I'm surprised a household stands by and watches their mother take this abuse...no older sons?


      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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      • #4
        try get other men in family to talk with him, like uncles

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        • #5
          Where is the rest of the family? Any uncles ? If not then your mother needs to wake up and not only divorce him but get a restraining order. You mentionned pakistan, if you guys are from there i understand it could be difficut for your mother to leave him because of what others might think. Culture is killing us. But honestly your mom needs to do that and if she is too weak, you do it or get your siblings to do it and tell everything to the police. Your father clearly only cares about the money. God knows what he does with his own. Maybe like another person said above he gambles, or maybe he has a second wife that you guys dont know about ? Anything could be possible with a man like him. You should pray on it too.
          but somebody has to move their bottom and take action, or else one day youll find your mother in a coffin.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by shay5 View Post
            If your mother is strong enough I would suggest throw him out the current house and pay off the mortgage by selling the other house. He clearly has money so can rent an a room somewhere.


            One day he might get into a fit of rage and end your mother's life.....how old are all the siblings ? I'm surprised a household stands by and watches their mother take this abuse...no older sons?

            all young siblings. Weíve had numerous family get involved but it doesnít make a difference or everything goes quiet for a few months then starts up again

            i try to talk back to him but whenever I try my throat immediately dries up I literally cannot speak. My mother thought maybe someone has done black magic on me so I canít speak up. I really try but I canít. I read Ayatul Kursi but still canít do it

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            • #7
              Originally posted by chirine View Post
              Where is the rest of the family? Any uncles ? If not then your mother needs to wake up and not only divorce him but get a restraining order. You mentionned pakistan, if you guys are from there i understand it could be difficut for your mother to leave him because of what others might think. Culture is killing us. But honestly your mom needs to do that and if she is too weak, you do it or get your siblings to do it and tell everything to the police. Your father clearly only cares about the money. God knows what he does with his own. Maybe like another person said above he gambles, or maybe he has a second wife that you guys dont know about ? Anything could be possible with a man like him. You should pray on it too.
              but somebody has to move their bottom and take action, or else one day youll find your mother in a coffin.
              Weíve had many uncles relatives even people he looks up to speak to him. It doesnít make a difference. Heís even stopped speaking to them and they donít talk to him either theyíre sick of him too. And whenever we try to say something to him he starts saying we donít care about him he doesnít have money heís gonna sell the house weíre living in I donít know whether itís sincere or not but just trying to make us feel guilty as if heís the victim. And Iím a really sensitive person it gets to me so whenever I think itís time we leave it makes me feel guilty

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              • #8
                Originally posted by YenEve View Post

                Weíve had many uncles relatives even people he looks up to speak to him. It doesnít make a difference. Heís even stopped speaking to them and they donít talk to him either theyíre sick of him too. And whenever we try to say something to him he starts saying we donít care about him he doesnít have money heís gonna sell the house weíre living in I donít know whether itís sincere or not but just trying to make us feel guilty as if heís the victim. And Iím a really sensitive person it gets to me so whenever I think itís time we leave it makes me feel guilty
                I see that he is also a big narcissist. Your sensitivity is not helping you and it might cost a life or for you guys to end up broke with no home. Dont let it get to you. If hes done it many times it means he is not trying to change. He knows your weakness and he is doing a wonderful job using it against you. Dont fall for it even though he is your dad. You dont have to fight him but you need to leave him behind as he js very toxic and dangerous. May allah help you with this

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