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  • Too many visitors,new baby and rude comments

    Hi!

    I had a baby almost 4 months back,went through a surgery and living on our own.No family around.Everything was fine intially when the visitors came although i was tired and figuring out how to handle my baby and a very active preschooler,but still i was okay.But now i am exhausted it is been 4 months and friends and distant relatives are still visiting and that is becoming very stressfull for me.As in our culture it is considered rude if you dont cook specal dinners for them.(i cook almost 10 items)after every week or sometimes after every two weeks a new family wants to visit if not new the first family that visited wants to visit again as they want to see the baby growning up which means my whole week goes in planning and preping food sorting out the house and nothing else as a long kids it is highly impossible for me to cook on last moments.then there are families who want to stay over and i have to prepare breakfast in the mornings as well.i have no house help as well.
    I am getting more anxious after every passing day seems like i am having post partum depsression now.If i tell my husnand i do not want any more guests he starts feeling annoyed and tells me i am an antisocial person although he helps me when visitiors are expected but still i have loads to do.For the next 3,4 days i am unable to stand up or feel normal after cooking and running around and sometimes inlaws criticse my cooking skills so when i discuss the issue with my husband he gets frustrated and tells me they are not fond of ur cooking and arent coming here to have food i will take them out as they dont like the way you cook with sarcastic tone he tells me this.Although their are people who are so appreciative and ask for recipes too.I tire my self to the point where my bones start cracking but all i hear is bad stuff and still they want to visit us over and over again.Feels like people do not care at all.just to add whenever i visit people always try to accomodate them by just going for a little while,i mostly prefer meetng outside so that no body gets over burdened.But when it comes to me i think people do not want to think.Need help

  • #2
    assalamualikum sister! I am going to be brutally honest here Allah is giving you an opportunity to earn lots of reward by entertaining guests seriously why shouldn't your husband be frustrated by your comments? He is absolutely right! I know I know u work hard and have babies to take care of but see the other side of the situation you got to have a very strong social life so your connected to people! you know what I am saying right? Take care of your guests and love and work for them only for the pleasure of Allah.May Allah bless your family and give you patience.
    NO RACISM

    Comment


    • #3
      (Hosting is good but there should be some consideration. Excessive amounts and varieties of food expected is a negative part of our Asian culture.)
      LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
      -------------------------------
      "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
      NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

      Comment


      • #4
        Asslamu 'alaykum,

        May Allah make it easy for you. You're in a very tough position and any advice is easier said than done. Essentially, I think this does come down to a lack of awareness of not just physical but also psychological needs. When we have a broken arm, everyone can look and say, "Oh no! She has a broken arm! Cooking is too difficult in this condition etc" but when we feel broken on the inside, from the demands of children, family, culture, tradition etc. even as well meaning as the whole world may be, it may simply feel like too much. And just as excuses are given for physical ailments, I strongly believe that excuses should be given for psychological ailments. So yes - patience is important but so is empathy.

        It's not enough to just says Allah will reward you. It's not enough to say you need to stay connected to people. And it's not enough to say you work hard. You know all of that.

        Depression is real and can be debilitating, so recognizing problems early and beginning to address them - like you are now, is a very important step. Be proud of yourself for that. Things will get easier insha'Allah but it will take time. If you're in a position to seek counseling I would strongly advise it.

        If you're not - then continue to communicate and speak to those who will encourage you and make you feel stronger. First and foremost you will have to work on communicating with your husband and telling him about your needs. And to do so, I wouldn't focus on the guests or your cooking, but how you are going through difficulties and feel ill, and you need to get better in order to truly serve him and the guests better. After marriage it is really about being able to communicate and work together in order to combat issues - and although his attitude may feel discouraging, don't lose hope.

        Here's a response by sister Meghan regarding a similar circumstance - it doesn't apply entirely but perhaps there may be some things to draw benefit : http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask...in-law-visits/

        Keep us updated and hang in there :)

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by ElNino View Post
          assalamualikum sister! I am going to be brutally honest here Allah is giving you an opportunity to earn lots of reward by entertaining guests seriously why shouldn't your husband be frustrated by your comments? He is absolutely right! I know I know u work hard and have babies to take care of but see the other side of the situation you got to have a very strong social life so your connected to people! you know what I am saying right? Take care of your guests and love and work for them only for the pleasure of Allah.May Allah bless your family and give you patience.
          You sound very ignorant. Do you know what it's like giving birth? Hormones are all over the place, lack of sleep and she might be suffering from PND. She had to recover from a c-section. Do you know how exhausting it is taking care of a baby and toddler? Mothers to newborns have no spare time......

          Her guests are being inconsiderate. I can't believe people are that clueless.

          1) If they have to come then your husband should order a takeaway
          2) Call your mother or sister to come help (for your mental well being),
          3) If you're cooking then get the guests to hold the baby and stop making so many dishes. Do something simple. Tell your husband to help out

          I hope you don't think this is normal behaviour, if anything they should have been bringing over food for you in the first few months.

          You need to put yourself first, if you're not well then the children will suffer. Your husband made a sarcastic comment so it seems he doesnt care what type of food you're cooking. So don't put yourself out trying to impress these guests who are coming every week!

          RE: pnd, If you're getting any extreme negative thoughts then please talk to someone, even if it is your GP.
          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

          Comment


          • #6
            Are you sure you're communicating your feelings well enough to your husband? I find it hard to believe that he would force you to keep serving guests endlessly if he knew everything that you just wrote here.

            Comment


            • #7
              I suspect that this is less about cultural expectations and more about you pressuring and over burdening yourself to try and please other people who don't give a toss about you. Many years ago, I knew an elder aunty who was in a similar situation to you. She had two young children and her and her husband worked throughout the week, then on the weekends, he liked to call friends and relatives round for dinner and she'd make these elaborate meals, partly because it was her culture and she felt it was important to be hospitable, but also because she didn't want to face any criticism that she didn't serve her guests well enough. She'd be stuck in the kitchen for hours whilst her husband and the guests are happily chatting away like they're in a restaurant so she didn't even get to enjoy much of their company and people started taking advantage and using her cos' they realised she's a soft touch and can't say no and hadn't learned to set boundaries. Some guests were nice and considerate but some just treated her like trash and she still felt the need to try and impress them- why? It's that back home mentality of "log kya kehenge?" (What will people say?). Let me tell you this much: she was a great cook but so what? Was she given the respect and appreciation she deserved for it? NO, she was treated like a servant and then snobby gossipy guests would make snide remarks about her behind her back about how she looked a mess. Why did she look a mess? Because when she wasn't at work or busy with her children, she spent all her free time playing maid and cook to these ungrateful mouthy snobs. Is that what you want your life to be?

              You can't live your life like that and need to learn to set boundaries. For the elders in my community this sort of hospitality was more common; partly because those who were wealthy would have cooks and servants to help out and partly because those who weren't wealthy lived in joint families where another sister or sister in law would help out if they know that you're unwell and haven't recovered yet. Also most of the older generation of women weren't expected to work and raise kids at the same time. As for young parents of this generation, they've moved on and are not expected to do so much mehman navaazi (serving guests)- they might do it on occasion, or they'd order from a restaurant to make it easier but it's not expected to do all this on a regular basis. In fact, it's all the more important to stop doing this when you know that certain guests turn up just to criticise and put you down.

              It's time you simplified your life. Make simpler dishes when you have guests and if they are there because they want to see you and care about you, then they wont be snobs about what you have or haven't made. These days excellent desserts and starters can be bought ready made from the supermarket anyway. If they turn up at the last minute and that doesn't allow enough time to prepare anything then don't prepare anything and serve them a cup of tea and biscuits and if they expect dinner then tell your husband to order takeaway or to make something himself if he's so keen to keep up appearances.
              The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

              Comment


              • #8
                If thats the case then your husband is oppressive, and he is a bad husband for not understanding you. You need to reject your guests, because at this point you could be sinning by transgressing against yourself, and tell your husband to fear allah, and be a real man.

                Comment


                • #9
                  This doesn't seem to be a marriage issue.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ElNino View Post
                    assalamualikum sister! I am going to be brutally honest here Allah is giving you an opportunity to earn lots of reward by entertaining guests seriously why shouldn't your husband be frustrated by your comments? He is absolutely right! I know I know u work hard and have babies to take care of but see the other side of the situation you got to have a very strong social life so your connected to people! you know what I am saying right? Take care of your guests and love and work for them only for the pleasure of Allah.May Allah bless your family and give you patience.
                    Lol.
                    You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

                    You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
                      This doesn't seem to be a marriage issue.
                      Really? ''f i tell my husnand i do not want any more guests he starts feeling annoyed and tells me i am an antisocial person'' & ''when i discuss the issue with my husband he gets frustrated and tells me they are not fond of ur cooking ''

                      For the next 3,4 days i am unable to stand up or feel normal after cooking
                      What does your husband say when you're in this state?
                      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        Are you sure you're communicating your feelings well enough to your husband? I find it hard to believe that he would force you to keep serving guests endlessly if he knew everything that you just wrote here.
                        Its actually very believable, her husband behavior. Men are not intimately familiar with kitchen work, even if they help. It takes lot of time and effort for a meal that can be poured in a medium size bowl. Many men don't consider cooking/food as the most important part of hosting because there is always takeout. Especially if he is not a foodie, he won't understand what is the need for 10 different dish & why make big deal about something basic as food. My husband does not understand the concept of "fancy dawath" and making fancy meals, he thinks women over complicate the matter & no human can possibility eat 10 different items in one sitting so why do women make so much and force guest to eat all that when all he wants is 2 curry maximum.

                        To the OP, I understand your feeling as I do get anxiety every time we invite guest over. I don't cook often & I over plan things. But you have to set some realistic standard for yourself.
                        1) Stop trying to impress these people. They are family and have already made up their mind about your cooking. So why are you putting extra effort in. This is not the time to change their mind by making them extra fancy dish. I understand the culture of making special meal for guest but CUT IT DOWN sis. No real human can eat 10 different dish in one sitting. In my opinion 3 is fine but start by cutting one dish at a time and see what you are comfortable serving. Also realize this is not "normal situation" you are allowed to serve less food because you are technically recovering.
                        2) TAKE outs - mix your home cooked food with some outside food. Your husband offered already and he is right, they are not here to taste your cooking so why make the matter more complicated. The most complicated meal, get it from outside. Also it won't look bad because you are getting 1-2 dish from outside and making 3-4 dishes at home. All blends in

                        It sounds like the guest themselves don't both you as much as the cooking. There are so many tricks and tips around cooking but the main thing you need to do is drop your standard of perfect meal & cut it down to basics + add takeout. Guest visiting with newborn is suppose to give the mother a chance to relax not stress her out. Leave the baby with your husband and guest while you go for spa break or coffee break or take a nap. Use this to your advantage. When life gives you lemon, turn it into lemonade

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ahmedyounes View Post
                          If thats the case then your husband is oppressive, and he is a bad husband for not understanding you. You need to reject your guests, because at this point you could be sinning by transgressing against yourself, and tell your husband to fear allah, and be a real man.
                          It'd be worthwhile to hear his side before condemning the man.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Kya View Post

                            Its actually very believable, her husband behavior. Men are not intimately familiar with kitchen work, even if they help. It takes lot of time and effort for a meal that can be poured in a medium size bowl. Many men don't consider cooking/food as the most important part of hosting because there is always takeout. Especially if he is not a foodie, he won't understand what is the need for 10 different dish & why make big deal about something basic as food. My husband does not understand the concept of "fancy dawath" and making fancy meals, he thinks women over complicate the matter & no human can possibility eat 10 different items in one sitting so why do women make so much and force guest to eat all that when all he wants is 2 curry maximum.

                            To the OP, I understand your feeling as I do get anxiety every time we invite guest over. I don't cook often & I over plan things. But you have to set some realistic standard for yourself.
                            1) Stop trying to impress these people. They are family and have already made up their mind about your cooking. So why are you putting extra effort in. This is not the time to change their mind by making them extra fancy dish. I understand the culture of making special meal for guest but CUT IT DOWN sis. No real human can eat 10 different dish in one sitting. In my opinion 3 is fine but start by cutting one dish at a time and see what you are comfortable serving. Also realize this is not "normal situation" you are allowed to serve less food because you are technically recovering.
                            2) TAKE outs - mix your home cooked food with some outside food. Your husband offered already and he is right, they are not here to taste your cooking so why make the matter more complicated. The most complicated meal, get it from outside. Also it won't look bad because you are getting 1-2 dish from outside and making 3-4 dishes at home. All blends in

                            It sounds like the guest themselves don't both you as much as the cooking. There are so many tricks and tips around cooking but the main thing you need to do is drop your standard of perfect meal & cut it down to basics + add takeout. Guest visiting with newborn is suppose to give the mother a chance to relax not stress her out. Leave the baby with your husband and guest while you go for spa break or coffee break or take a nap. Use this to your advantage. When life gives you lemon, turn it into lemonade
                            I don't think any decent husband wants his wife to be depressed, anxious, and exhausted. He may not know how she really feels.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                              It'd be worthwhile to hear his side before condemning the man.
                              That's why I said "if that's the case".

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