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  • Need advice regarding marriage

    Asalamu alaykum,
    my brothers and sisters I'm a 34 year old woman living in the uk I am currently going through a tough time me and my husband have recently divorced this year and he has left the uk and migrated to Saudi Arabia and I am left with my 2 young 4 year old daughters who are both twins and I am currently living in a 2 bedroom council estate and what I need advice is on my situation with my next door neighbor he is a very nice man and human he treats my daughters like his own buys them gifts and takes them everywhere and has turned out to be a real father figure towards them in recent months and he has also professed his love for me but now the problem is he is a non Muslim white man and I am a British Pakistani I have always been very close to Islam I have always tried to stay on the right path and never do any haram but it is starting to get increasingly difficult I have discussed with him that he would have to convert to Islam if he were to marry me and he agreed but he said he wouldn't drop his habits of drinking,eating whatever he wants etc he doesn't smoke but he drinks a lot and doesn't really care about religion in general and believes more in humanity etc he has many times insisted I drink with him and have sex with him or go out and party with his friends I just feel like if he would convert it wouldn't mean anything as he is not doing it from his heart and for Allah but he is a very nice man in general I don't know what to do how to proceed from here please some advice would be appreciated thank you. Also my family is very upset with me and have boycotted me after finding out about this and he has told all of his friends and the other neighbors that we are together
    Last edited by Mehwish Khan; 22-10-18, 02:26 PM.

  • #2
    I understand you're going through grief but as a 34 year old MUSLIM woman you should know better.

    Firstly a man can't convert to islam just for marriage, he has to actually believe Islam is the truth. It seems like you're so casual in mentioning he wants to fornicate and drink with you. These are major sins with extreme punishents. Don't go down that road. Normally these guys are peados who see young girls and try to worm their way into the family. I really hope for your daughter's sake you haven't left them alone with him.

    seek emotional supprt through family and friends. get your husband to pay child supprt. go seek counselling for your divorce
    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

    Comment


    • #3
      This isn't a marriage issue. You've got bigger problems than that...

      Comment


      • #4
        Sister I think deep down you no the answer to your own questions.

        Your job is to protect your daughters and by letting this man take them everywhere you are putting your daughters at risk.

        You may be feeling that they need a father figure and might aswell let this man be like a father to them. Truth is he can never really be a father figure to them as a non muslim.

        You should ask your family and masjid to help you find a husband. You should cut off contact with him tactfully.

        If you are afraid he might hassle you then that may work in your favour trying to get re-housed.

        Sister this world is temporary and do not sacrifice your hereafter for temporary enjoyment and also think about your little girls.



        Comment


        • #5
          very nice man
          drinks parties and wants zina

          what a dirty digusting individual

          doesnt care about religion
          he wants to go jahannam and wants to take you with him

          first of all hes a non mehram
          second hes a kaafir
          he disbelieves in Allah and is the enemy of Allah
          and is committing shirk and will go to the hellfire
          how can you let your children be taken care of by him
          what if he abuses them
          what if he teaches them to leave islam and hate Allah and become disbelievers

          sister this guy is not a good man he wants to commit zina with you
          for arguments sake even if you was to say he has some good morals and is nice to your children and you and wants to take care of you guys
          hes a kaafir and doesnt care about Allah and islam
          he will drive you and your children away from islam and send you guys closer to the hellfire and make you live a life like kuffar
          you may think you can hold on to your islamic values but it will be hard trust me

          its haram for men and women to free mix and a women should not be alone with a non mehram man which means if you do you can be sinful and it can also lead to bad things occuring such as zina women should also observe proper hijab infront of non mehram men covering everything but hands and face and not revealing body shape
          not saying you have done these things but just making it aware so you know
          the fact that he has discussed sex with you is alarming you have become too close with him and need to stay away from him

          i understand its a hard and vulnerable situation your in and you need help
          so for now go to your family and friends
          go to the masjid take your children meet sisters there who may able to help you

          once your iddah period( 3 cycles ) is up if it isnt already if you feel you need support and your family arent enough then try to get married to a MUSLIM MAN
          however dont compromise make sure hes a good practising muslim who takes care of the worship(ibaadah) side and social side of islam(adaab, controlling anger, knowing how to resolve disputes and controversial situations)
          make sure he takes care of you and your children and treats them like his own
          and prioritise your children when it comes to marriage
          dont marry someone that wont be good for them

          many divorcee sisters get in vulnerable situations like your self
          and many are quick to remarry but end up marrying someone who is not and it just leads to another divorce or an unhappy marriage
          so please take your time think wisely and be cautious
          nake sure you have good practising muslim sisters around you to chat with ask advice and protect you and keep you company
          as when your alone shaytaan can take advantage of you
          most of read quran in arabic and english
          and pray and make to Allah to help you
          as this is a trial from Allah on you
          Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 22-10-18, 03:22 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            I understand what you are saying but it is indeed very tough the society I live in there are not many Muslims let alone Pakistanis it's a primarily white area I believe there is only one other Indian lady that lives in this community and she basically follows the morals of white people i.e. Drinking fornicating partying and so I really do feel isolated my family have cut ties with me my parents believe that I am at fault for everything such as my divorce and my current situation so it's hard when your own kin are treating you like this and also your saying I should remarry which is what I want eventually too but I cannot marry a stranger that I do not even know and the Muslims in this country are mostly completely westernized they do everything non Muslims do and is a sad sight to see I just feel very stuck and confused I know this is a trial from Allah but even then I feel very broken and I know he's spoken of having me drink with him and fornicate but in his eyes it's normal so he's not doing it with malicious intention sorry for rambling on I just feel really conflicted at the moment which was why I made this post to gain some advice if you all need extra details then please do ask

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Mehwish Khan View Post
              I understand what you are saying but it is indeed very tough the society I live in there are not many Muslims let alone Pakistanis it's a primarily white area I believe there is only one other Indian lady that lives in this community and she basically follows the morals of white people i.e. Drinking fornicating partying and so I really do feel isolated my family have cut ties with me my parents believe that I am at fault for everything such as my divorce and my current situation so it's hard when your own kin are treating you like this and also your saying I should remarry which is what I want eventually too but I cannot marry a stranger that I do not even know and the Muslims in this country are mostly completely westernized they do everything non Muslims do and is a sad sight to see I just feel very stuck and confused I know this is a trial from Allah but even then I feel very broken and I know he's spoken of having me drink with him and fornicate but in his eyes it's normal so he's not doing it with malicious intention sorry for rambling on I just feel really conflicted at the moment which was why I made this post to gain some advice if you all need extra details then please do ask
              Thats' his norm but why are you allowing a man to talk to you like this?
              It's worrying this man is telling people he is in a relationship with you...wonder what made him think that

              Stop making excuses, just because the whole world is sinning doesnt mean you need to. Find some muslim relative or friend to confide in. Stop acting like there is no muslim left in the world. Plenty of support groups. In the long run you will need to move. living in a non muslim area is obviously not good for you. Protect yourself and your children. Stop acting desperate for a man, you really want to your daughters to see how their mother is behaving? Do you want them to end up with kafir boyfriends in the future?
              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

              Comment


              • #8
                ( Sr Ya'sin Sr rahma sr Indefinable SR Sister_2009 SR LailaTheMuslim SR ~TwinklingStar~ )
                LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
                -------------------------------
                "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
                NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

                Comment


                • #9
                  ...
                  LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
                  -------------------------------
                  "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
                  NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mehwish Khan View Post
                    I understand what you are saying but it is indeed very tough the society I live in there are not many Muslims let alone Pakistanis it's a primarily white area I believe there is only one other Indian lady that lives in this community and she basically follows the morals of white people i.e. Drinking fornicating partying and so I really do feel isolated my family have cut ties with me my parents believe that I am at fault for everything such as my divorce and my current situation so it's hard when your own kin are treating you like this and also your saying I should remarry which is what I want eventually too but I cannot marry a stranger that I do not even know and the Muslims in this country are mostly completely westernized they do everything non Muslims do and is a sad sight to see I just feel very stuck and confused I know this is a trial from Allah but even then I feel very broken and I know he's spoken of having me drink with him and fornicate but in his eyes it's normal so he's not doing it with malicious intention sorry for rambling on I just feel really conflicted at the moment which was why I made this post to gain some advice if you all need extra details then please do ask
                    if you cant marry a muslim stranger how can you marry a kaafir who drinke and wants to commit zina and parties thats even worse
                    (no one is saying get married to a stranger
                    when you find a potential have a number of meetings with them and their family get to know them and when you feel 100% then get married)

                    muslims are not all westernised there are many practising good muslims still
                    you just have to look in the right places

                    i find it weird that you talk about how muslims here have become westernised yet your talking to a kaafir man to the amount where he has asked you to commit zina with him and party with him and you have discussed marriage with him

                    dont persuade your self he has no malicious intent he is a kaafir
                    his head is dilluded by shaytaan and shaytaan also wishes for you to go astray
                    STAY AWAY FROM HIM

                    find a masjid and go there find sisters to chill with and help you with your daughters if your family isnt helping and in time look for marriage

                    if you have no connections or masjids or people
                    use the site pure matrimony thats probably the most reliable islamic marriage website

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Why did your husband leave? Don't you have any siblings who will support you? Don't your parents care about their grandchildren?
                      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Mehwish Khan View Post
                        Asalamu alaykum,
                        my brothers and sisters I'm a 34 year old woman living in the uk I am currently going through a tough time me and my husband have recently divorced this year and he has left the uk and migrated to Saudi Arabia and I am left with my 2 young 4 year old daughters who are both twins and I am currently living in a 2 bedroom council estate and what I need advice is on my situation with my next door neighbor he is a very nice man and human he treats my daughters like his own buys them gifts and takes them everywhere and has turned out to be a real father figure towards them in recent months and he has also professed his love for me but now the problem is he is a non Muslim white man and I am a British Pakistani I have always been very close to Islam I have always tried to stay on the right path and never do any haram but it is starting to get increasingly difficult I have discussed with him that he would have to convert to Islam if he were to marry me and he agreed but he said he wouldn't drop his habits of drinking,eating whatever he wants etc he doesn't smoke but he drinks a lot and doesn't really care about religion in general and believes more in humanity etc he has many times insisted I drink with him and have sex with him or go out and party with his friends I just feel like if he would convert it wouldn't mean anything as he is not doing it from his heart and for Allah but he is a very nice man in general I don't know what to do how to proceed from here please some advice would be appreciated thank you. Also my family is very upset with me and have boycotted me after finding out about this and he has told all of his friends and the other neighbors that we are together
                        I’m sorry to hear of your situation.

                        Because you are lonely, cut off from family, you are vulnerable to anyone that gives you a bit of attention. This is not a nice man. Here’s why:

                        He’s using your daughters as a way to soften your heart toward him.

                        He is willing to convert to a religion he doesn’t want to follow for selfish reasons.

                        He is already spreading lies about you being together.

                        He’s drinking alcohol.

                        None of that is the behavior of a good man. Period.

                        What you should do is move out of that neighborhood ASAP and Do Not tell him where you are going to.

                        In the meantime, tell him you’re not interested, and if that means he starts calling you names and spreading more lies, then you’ll have to cope with it. If he won’t leave you alone, contact the police.

                        Do not, in the future, let any strange men around your girls. They don’t need men coming in and out of their life. Sometimes being a good mom means remaining single and putting your kids first. It’s tough (I’ve had to do it), but protecting your girls should take priority over marriage.

                        Next, try to repair the relationship with your family, even if it means apologizing for something you didn’t do. They’ll get over it.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Mehwish Khan View Post
                          Asalamu alaykum,
                          my brothers and sisters I'm a 34 year old woman living in the uk I am currently going through a tough time me and my husband have recently divorced this year and he has left the uk and migrated to Saudi Arabia and I am left with my 2 young 4 year old daughters who are both twins and I am currently living in a 2 bedroom council estate and what I need advice is on my situation with my next door neighbor he is a very nice man and human he treats my daughters like his own buys them gifts and takes them everywhere and has turned out to be a real father figure towards them in recent months and he has also professed his love for me but now the problem is he is a non Muslim white man and I am a British Pakistani I have always been very close to Islam I have always tried to stay on the right path and never do any haram but it is starting to get increasingly difficult I have discussed with him that he would have to convert to Islam if he were to marry me and he agreed but he said he wouldn't drop his habits of drinking,eating whatever he wants etc he doesn't smoke but he drinks a lot and doesn't really care about religion in general and believes more in humanity etc he has many times insisted I drink with him and have sex with him or go out and party with his friends I just feel like if he would convert it wouldn't mean anything as he is not doing it from his heart and for Allah but he is a very nice man in general I don't know what to do how to proceed from here please some advice would be appreciated thank you. Also my family is very upset with me and have boycotted me after finding out about this and he has told all of his friends and the other neighbors that we are together
                          It is very difficult to advise someone with such a mentality and level of religiousity such as yours.

                          You said you were always close to Islam and you tried to stay on the right path, but just take a look at your situation now. There's a non-Muslim man comfortable enough with you to tell you he wants to be intimate with you, and he's also telling his neighbors that you guys are together? That surely doesn't happen overnight, and it won't happen unless you guys were already intimate on some level.

                          Do you really believe in Islam? Are you certain that Hell-Fire exists and the punishment is eternal? Do you want to see your children and yourself there?

                          I know how difficult your situation is because my mother was also divorced and abused. However, my pity for you couldn't ever justify the situation you've gotten yourself into. My mother is a Kaafirah, but never would she allow a man to claim her without her verbal consent. Despite her unfortunate situation, she lives her life with dignity and doesn't make excuses for herself.

                          You on the other hand are a Muslim woman. You should have even more honour and dignity for yourself. If my mother never compromised her morals without having Deen, then why can't you with Islam?
                          Last edited by AmantuBillahi; 22-10-18, 05:39 PM. Reason: Necessary

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Sister you should think about moving. You said you are in the UK and living in a council estate. You can find a private property to rent and council should help you out with rent especially if you are not working and as you are a single parent.

                            In fact you should also go to your local council and tell them you want to be rehoused. They may say there is a long waiting list etc but there are other options available.

                            If your immediate family have cut off ties what about aunties/uncles or any cousins? Sister you need to be around people who will be a source of support and give you correct guidance.

                            Your divorce may have left you feeling empty and really down but sister life goes on and you should really turn to Allah swt. Do not do anything that will cause His anger.

                            Remember death can come anytime anywhere. You want to die as a muslim not in a state unpleasing to Allah swt.

                            I just will repeat some advise already given as it is important. You should move to an area with muslims. It is better for your children too especially as they should get to be around other muslim children. Also if you move to an area with muslims inshaAllah you should find a good madrassah to send your girls to quran.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah.

                              Could Sr shay5 and Sr Mintchocchip (and others) very kindly contact the sister by PM and discuss this in a little more detail with her if at all possible, inshaaAllah. There'es a little more to this than the the info given in the posts here, as she's hinted in one of the posts. Might help give a better angle on how to approach this.

                              Sr Mehwish Khan, I'm not a sister so it wouldn't really be appropriate for me to respond to the PM in detail.
                              Hopefully the sisters will get in touch privately if they haven't already.

                              (Jazaa'akumullah Khair.)
                              Last edited by Fakhri; 22-10-18, 09:11 PM.
                              LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
                              -------------------------------
                              "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
                              NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

                              Comment

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