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  • In laws issues/help with how to deal with it

    Asalamualikum :)
    so back in 2016, I posted an issue that i was dealing with and ill post it below...
    Dealing with stress and anxiety after marriage

    13-08-16, 03:15 PM
    Assalamolikum,
    I got married a year ago and have been living with my in laws since then as well. There is been a lot of conflict in the house and about 3 months into my marriage I got a panic attack and freaked out and didn't know what it was. My heart was beating very fast and my face felt numb so I went to the hospital but they basically said it was anxiety / emotional related symptoms. After that I kept having more panic attacks due to the stress and anxiety.
    The problem itself is that I was never able to have a good relationship with my mother in law & my sister in law (my husband's brother's wife). My sister in law is also my mother in law's niece (cousin marriage). I have felt left out of things in the house and seen my mother & sis in law do everything together and instead they accuse me of not fitting in with them.
    When they wrong me in some way then I talk to them straight up about it and I get accused of starting fights/ drama in the house. We have had many arguments and it has caused me lots of stress that i've never had to deal with before because i'm the type of person that always got along well with others.
    My husband and I have a very good relationship and he is trying to fix things and move out.
    Does anyone have any good tips on how to deal with this type of anxiety and stress? Any duas or dhikr that I can read through the day to help?
    Thank you,
    so that was the issue back in 2016 and me and my husband actually moved out right after. We used to live 2 hours away from from due to my husband's work. so every time his parents came, they always told us move where they live. we wanted them to balance and stay with us but they only came to see us once a month for a weekend and then went back and lived with my husband's older brother and his wife and kids. So they always use to tell my husband to get a job near them and told us they would live with us more and try to balance it out between the brothers. So after a year, my husband found a job there alhumdulilah and now we live only 10 min away from his parents. What upsets me and my husband is that nothing has changed and they only come almost every month or every other month and only stay one night with us. Being so close, they have not stayed more than one night with us. His dad wants to balance it out but his mom is very different and she doesnt want to do that because she cant over the fact that we live apart. But how can we move back into the house where the environment was so toxic. When we used to live together for one year after our marriage, every little thing was an issue for his mom and his sis in law (His bro wife) They even had a problem if me and my husband went out or if I went to my parents house which was three hours away. His mom always treated us different and favored her more and she is still like that and its been really tough to deal with that. Her other daughter in law is basically her sister's daughter (her neice). And im not related so i have always felt left out. I always try to get involved but she still favors her. Now that we live so close by, My mother in law goes places with her other daughter in law and i always get left out and that always saddens me. My husband left his job just so we can be close to them but nothing has changed and it just makes us sad that they dont come often. We even go there on weekdays and on weekends to spend time with them. We are trying to deal with it and getting used to it now but is this fair? that the parents are not balancing between the brothers? How should we deal with something like this? How should i deal with the sis in law and mother in law?

  • #2
    Walaykum salam,

    I don't see what the problem is. If you feel your mother in law created such a toxic environment that you felt the need to move out, then the fact that they don't come round more than once a month and don't invite you to do things (that she does with the other daughter in law)…. you should feel relieved! You both maintain ties by visiting each other from time to time but you also live apart and have your own personal space. She seems to connect with and relate more to her other daughter in law so spends more time doing other stuff with her- let them be. They can do their own thing and you can do your own thing and you still visit each other from time to time. Sounds like a decent enough arrangement to me.

    The only downside I see is that your husband felt the need to leave his job in order to move closer- that sounds like a bad move. He should've only moved closer after transferring or finding another job closer to them, so what he did is understandable, but impractical and he shouldn't do that.
    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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    • #3
      asalamualikum neelu,
      thank you so much for your reply.. your'e right, thats something i have heard before and you're right. I should just ignore all of this and just do my own thing and at the same time maintain ties with them respectfully. We dont even mind going there more than they come here cuz at the end of the day, thats my husband's parents and he always wants to be there for them and provide for them. yes we both get sad that we are thier kids too and they dont stay more than one day and my husband gets sad cuz of that but what can we do? we cant force his mom to come. His dad was ready to balance between his two sons and he even told us that he would stay here with us one week and then with the other son one week and wanted to be fair but his mom just wont do that which makes us sad but its ok i guess. she should come on her own and out of her own happiness and not us forcing her. It just sucks how i was misunderstood by them and now they just wont get over the fact that we moved out just to save the relationships before they got worse living in one house but they just dont understand that.
      anyways ill try to be stronger in these situations and leave everything to Allah.
      I really appreciate your reply
      jazak'Allah

      Comment


      • #4
        think of it from your MIL Point of View. She doesn't want to bounce houses. She doesn't want to move from one house to another, even if its 10 minutes away every week. Would you want to do that? would that be comfortable for you? To change the bed you sleep in every week. Most people like being in one place for long time, to be settled in one place. To have the time to let their closet get messy, room get messy & have the time to clean it after a week if life gets busy. Not have to pack every week or month. My mom's aunt had 8 sons living in NYC. The parents stayed with all the kids in a year but not the same amount of days. With some kids they stayed only few days per year while with other kids they spent months. Its not because they love one kid more than another, its because living is more convenient in one house vs. another. In my mom's aunt case, the son who had extra bedroom dedicated to the parents made it easier for the parents to live there vs. the son who had the parents in their kids room or sharing room with kids made it less convenience.

        but the other point is, your MIL doesn't want to lose her spot in the older son house by making things balanced. If she keeps moving back and forth, spending time with you she looses permanent setting in one family and becomes temporary member in both family. Like the old saying is "a bird in hand is better than 2 birds on tree". If she stays equal amount of days in both house, eventually both family will get use to her not being there & if things go south with either son, the son will try to push the parents to the other kid. Eventually she looses out. Also as she age, she will be less mobile and there will come a day when she can't even walk out of the house, forget the 10 min commute. In that age who will be her permit caretaker. At that point she can count on her niece but you she is not sure off.

        As people have told you in the past, you should be happy you are not being dragged in to family drama much. People would give anything to be left alone. You have good thing going, why are you trying to bring stress in to your life. You should not feel left out, you have your own family to be part of. Yes it is sad your husband feels left out & he feels he isn't getting fair share of parenting but nothing is stopping him from visiting her/taking them out to doctor/shopping or buying them gift. There is lot of non residential things he can do. Ideal situation would be, you and your husband take care of them financially while your BIL/SIL take care of them physically. both are just as important & he can bond with his parents over there. Visit them every other day if need be. Why should they go visit you, when you can visit them

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by deenovrdunya View Post
          Asalamualikum :)
          so back in 2016, I posted an issue that i was dealing with and ill post it below...
          Dealing with stress and anxiety after marriage

          13-08-16, 03:15 PM
          Assalamolikum,
          I got married a year ago and have been living with my in laws since then as well. There is been a lot of conflict in the house and about 3 months into my marriage I got a panic attack and freaked out and didn't know what it was. My heart was beating very fast and my face felt numb so I went to the hospital but they basically said it was anxiety / emotional related symptoms. After that I kept having more panic attacks due to the stress and anxiety.
          The problem itself is that I was never able to have a good relationship with my mother in law & my sister in law (my husband's brother's wife). My sister in law is also my mother in law's niece (cousin marriage). I have felt left out of things in the house and seen my mother & sis in law do everything together and instead they accuse me of not fitting in with them.
          When they wrong me in some way then I talk to them straight up about it and I get accused of starting fights/ drama in the house. We have had many arguments and it has caused me lots of stress that i've never had to deal with before because i'm the type of person that always got along well with others.
          My husband and I have a very good relationship and he is trying to fix things and move out.
          Does anyone have any good tips on how to deal with this type of anxiety and stress? Any duas or dhikr that I can read through the day to help?
          Thank you,
          so that was the issue back in 2016 and me and my husband actually moved out right after. We used to live 2 hours away from from due to my husband's work. so every time his parents came, they always told us move where they live. we wanted them to balance and stay with us but they only came to see us once a month for a weekend and then went back and lived with my husband's older brother and his wife and kids. So they always use to tell my husband to get a job near them and told us they would live with us more and try to balance it out between the brothers. So after a year, my husband found a job there alhumdulilah and now we live only 10 min away from his parents. What upsets me and my husband is that nothing has changed and they only come almost every month or every other month and only stay one night with us. Being so close, they have not stayed more than one night with us. His dad wants to balance it out but his mom is very different and she doesnt want to do that because she cant over the fact that we live apart. But how can we move back into the house where the environment was so toxic. When we used to live together for one year after our marriage, every little thing was an issue for his mom and his sis in law (His bro wife) They even had a problem if me and my husband went out or if I went to my parents house which was three hours away. His mom always treated us different and favored her more and she is still like that and its been really tough to deal with that. Her other daughter in law is basically her sister's daughter (her neice). And im not related so i have always felt left out. I always try to get involved but she still favors her. Now that we live so close by, My mother in law goes places with her other daughter in law and i always get left out and that always saddens me. My husband left his job just so we can be close to them but nothing has changed and it just makes us sad that they dont come often. We even go there on weekdays and on weekends to spend time with them. We are trying to deal with it and getting used to it now but is this fair? that the parents are not balancing between the brothers? How should we deal with something like this? How should i deal with the sis in law and mother in law?
          Let me get this right, first you wanted to live seperately from In-laws,

          now your complaining they only visit once a month?

          Why are you always thinking about what others thinking about?

          Your problems seem self inflicted from your post above


          ​​​​
          http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

          – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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          • #6
            Originally posted by neelu View Post
            Walaykum salam,

            I don't see what the problem is. If you feel your mother in law created such a toxic environment that you felt the need to move out, then the fact that they don't come round more than once a month and don't invite you to do things (that she does with the other daughter in law)…. you should feel relieved! You both maintain ties by visiting each other from time to time but you also live apart and have your own personal space. She seems to connect with and relate more to her other daughter in law so spends more time doing other stuff with her- let them be. They can do their own thing and you can do your own thing and you still visit each other from time to time. Sounds like a decent enough arrangement to me.

            The only downside I see is that your husband felt the need to leave his job in order to move closer- that sounds like a bad move. He should've only moved closer after transferring or finding another job closer to them, so what he did is understandable, but impractical and he shouldn't do that.
            Crazy antic's on Ummah forums never suprises me anymore
            http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

            "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

            – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by neelu View Post
              Walaykum salam,

              I don't see what the problem is. If you feel your mother in law created such a toxic environment that you felt the need to move out, then the fact that they don't come round more than once a month and don't invite you to do things (that she does with the other daughter in law)…. you should feel relieved! You both maintain ties by visiting each other from time to time but you also live apart and have your own personal space. She seems to connect with and relate more to her other daughter in law so spends more time doing other stuff with her- let them be. They can do their own thing and you can do your own thing and you still visit each other from time to time. Sounds like a decent enough arrangement to me.

              The only downside I see is that your husband felt the need to leave his job in order to move closer- that sounds like a bad move. He should've only moved closer after transferring or finding another job closer to them, so what he did is understandable, but impractical and he shouldn't do that.
              asalamualikum neelu,
              thank you so much for your reply.. your'e right, thats something i have heard before and you're right. I should just ignore all of this and just do my own thing and at the same time maintain ties with them respectfully. We dont even mind going there more than they come here cuz at the end of the day, thats my husband's parents and he always wants to be there for them and provide for them. yes we both get sad that we are thier kids too and they dont stay more than one day and my husband gets sad cuz of that but what can we do? we cant force his mom to come. His dad was ready to balance between his two sons and he even told us that he would stay here with us one week and then with the other son one week and wanted to be fair but his mom just wont do that which makes us sad but its ok i guess. she should come on her own and out of her own happiness and not us forcing her. It just sucks how i was misunderstood by them and now they just wont get over the fact that we moved out just to save the relationships before they got worse living in one house but they just dont understand that.
              anyways ill try to be stronger in these situations and leave everything to Allah.
              I really appreciate your reply
              jazak'Allah

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post

                Let me get this right, first you wanted to live seperately from In-laws,

                now your complaining they only visit once a month?

                Why are you always thinking about what others thinking about?

                Your problems seem self inflicted from your post above


                ​​​​
                thanks for the reply.
                we never wanted to live separate in the first place actually. the circumstances were at a point that if my husband didnt make the decision to move out, then the relationships in the family would have gotten worse. our intention to move was to save all the relationships because we loved living together but the environement became very toxic over little things which i don't want to get into details to. so it was necessary to move which made us really sad but we didnt have a choice because i started having anxiety and it was affecting me and my relationship with my husband. My husband was not in peace when he came home from work. And i am not complaining, im on this forum to ask brothers and sisters for some advice. We thought having to move out and saving relationships would make things better and we thought they would balance and live with us more as well as the other son but its ok. Another reply on this post made me realize that i should think of my mother in law point of view and how she wouldnt want to bounce houses. me and husband will keep doing our best.

                jazak'Allah

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Kya View Post
                  think of it from your MIL Point of View. She doesn't want to bounce houses. She doesn't want to move from one house to another, even if its 10 minutes away every week. Would you want to do that? would that be comfortable for you? To change the bed you sleep in every week. Most people like being in one place for long time, to be settled in one place. To have the time to let their closet get messy, room get messy & have the time to clean it after a week if life gets busy. Not have to pack every week or month. My mom's aunt had 8 sons living in NYC. The parents stayed with all the kids in a year but not the same amount of days. With some kids they stayed only few days per year while with other kids they spent months. Its not because they love one kid more than another, its because living is more convenient in one house vs. another. In my mom's aunt case, the son who had extra bedroom dedicated to the parents made it easier for the parents to live there vs. the son who had the parents in their kids room or sharing room with kids made it less convenience.

                  but the other point is, your MIL doesn't want to lose her spot in the older son house by making things balanced. If she keeps moving back and forth, spending time with you she looses permanent setting in one family and becomes temporary member in both family. Like the old saying is "a bird in hand is better than 2 birds on tree". If she stays equal amount of days in both house, eventually both family will get use to her not being there & if things go south with either son, the son will try to push the parents to the other kid. Eventually she looses out. Also as she age, she will be less mobile and there will come a day when she can't even walk out of the house, forget the 10 min commute. In that age who will be her permit caretaker. At that point she can count on her niece but you she is not sure off.

                  As people have told you in the past, you should be happy you are not being dragged in to family drama much. People would give anything to be left alone. You have good thing going, why are you trying to bring stress in to your life. You should not feel left out, you have your own family to be part of. Yes it is sad your husband feels left out & he feels he isn't getting fair share of parenting but nothing is stopping him from visiting her/taking them out to doctor/shopping or buying them gift. There is lot of non residential things he can do. Ideal situation would be, you and your husband take care of them financially while your BIL/SIL take care of them physically. both are just as important & he can bond with his parents over there. Visit them every other day if need be. Why should they go visit you, when you can visit them
                  Wow thank you so much for your reply. this was a really nice post and i never really thought of this point of view and you said really makes sense.

                  jazak'Allah

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by deenovrdunya View Post

                    thanks for the reply.
                    we never wanted to live separate in the first place actually. the circumstances were at a point that if my husband didnt make the decision to move out, then the relationships in the family would have gotten worse. our intention to move was to save all the relationships because we loved living together but the environement became very toxic over little things which i don't want to get into details to. so it was necessary to move which made us really sad but we didnt have a choice because i started having anxiety and it was affecting me and my relationship with my husband. My husband was not in peace when he came home from work. And i am not complaining, im on this forum to ask brothers and sisters for some advice. We thought having to move out and saving relationships would make things better and we thought they would balance and live with us more as well as the other son but its ok. Another reply on this post made me realize that i should think of my mother in law point of view and how she wouldnt want to bounce houses. me and husband will keep doing our best.

                    jazak'Allah
                    Didn't you say your in laws are trouble makers?

                    Your not making much sense here, if they are as you say, then it makes no sense you complaining about them visiting once a month.

                    Clearly you are since its affecting you mentally. Perhaps you didn't realize why your husband would not be in peace and hence you wont either?

                    I can't remember how many evil mil and even Dil stories I've heard.

                    Were not gonna hear both sides, so we can't really say who is at fault.
                    Last edited by Saif-Uddin; 24-08-18, 10:28 PM.
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                    "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                    – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post

                      Didn't you say your in laws are trouble makers?

                      Your not making much sense here, if they are as you say, then it makes no sense you complaining about them visiting once a month.

                      Clearly you are since its affecting you mentally. Perhaps you didn't realize why your husband would not be in peace and hence you wont either?

                      I can't remember how many evil mil and even Dil stories I've heard.

                      Were not gonna hear both sides, so we can't really say who is at fault.
                      If you’re not interested in helping then You really don’t have to write all this stuff to me. I didn’t even specifically say they are trouble makers. And yeah there were problems living together but it doesn’t mean we don’t love them and don’t want them to come to our house. Cuz my father in law is an amazing person. And my husband has two nephews and we love seeing them and spending time. Yeah there were problems but doesn’t mean that we would don’t want them coming over and living with us. At the end of the day they are our parents. And I’m not on here to ask people to tell me who’s at fault. Just asking for advice brother.
                      Thanks for the reply.
                      Jazak’Allah

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by deenovrdunya View Post

                        If you’re not interested in helping then You really don’t have to write all this stuff to me. I didn’t even specifically say they are trouble makers. And yeah there were problems living together but it doesn’t mean we don’t love them and don’t want them to come to our house. Cuz my father in law is an amazing person. And my husband has two nephews and we love seeing them and spending time. Yeah there were problems but doesn’t mean that we would don’t want them coming over and living with us. At the end of the day they are our parents. And I’m not on here to ask people to tell me who’s at fault. Just asking for advice brother.
                        Thanks for the reply.
                        Jazak’Allah

                        since they are keeping relationship, and visiting once a month, you should focus on yourself and how you can be a good daughter in law, instead of stressing yourself out on why only once a month,

                        You will be responsible for your actions, not for someone elses, so I suggest you stop freaking out, stressing yourself out.

                        جزاك الله خيرا
                        http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                        "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                        – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post


                          since they are keeping relationship, and visiting once a month, you should focus on yourself and how you can be a good daughter in law, instead of stressing yourself out on why only once a month,

                          You will be responsible for your actions, not for someone elses, so I suggest you stop freaking out, stressing yourself out.

                          جزاك الله خيرا
                          I agree. A person should always look at themselves and work on themselves and not look at others actions. You’re right

                          thank you

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by deenovrdunya View Post

                            I agree. A person should always look at themselves and work on themselves and not look at others actions. You’re right

                            thank you
                            بارك الله فيكم
                            http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                            "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                            – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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                            • #15
                              Sis here are some things you can do in the 3 weeks your inlaws don't come....
                              - Practice making new dish while they are not living with you, so you can fine tune a new dish/cuisine . Then invite the family including your BIL to your house for a dinner. They don't have to stay, just come by for food. If you are a good cook and enjoy cooking, then give your SIL a break & fam over
                              - or cook something nice and take it over with you. Then have dinner at their house. I don't know how that will be received by your SIL, will she think of you as "taking advantage of her or will she appreciate you going over".
                              - make a regular schedule of visiting them, say every Tuesday and Thursday you visit them from Asar to Magrib. Have afternoon chai with them & keep that schedule consistent such that it becomes part of your life.
                              - Plan family outing to go to park or zoo or some place new every other month.
                              - when you go to visit your parents, I don't know if you stay for days or weeks, maybe you can ask your inlaws to stay with your husband for while. Make it seem like they are taking care of him?

                              I am sure others will have more ideas of family friendly things you guys can do to be part of the family. I for example visit my parents every weekend. When I miss a weekend, my parents feel like I haven't been there in a month. It becomes habit. Family is habit in a way. Also remember, family bonds are made from creating memories. Not from spending time doing basic task.

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