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Completely lost my faith. I don't think I'm Muslim anymore!!! Help! (READ ENTIRE!)

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  • Completely lost my faith. I don't think I'm Muslim anymore!!! Help! (READ ENTIRE!)

    Okay it's a long story. Basically back in 2012 after dealing with sickness I suddenly woke up one day and decided I was gonna be a practicing Muslim. I started praying 5 times a day and completely immersed myself in the religion doing intense ibadaat. I disconnected from this Dunya and just focused on Islam and akhira. As the years went on I started to become more religious and a very strict muslim. Literally 24 hours a day thinking about Allah crying reading Quran watching lectures. Islam was my ENTIRE life. I lived with my parents and didn't go to school because of my illness. Everything was going great even though I was suffering from pain and sickness, I was happy with my life because I loved Allah and his plan. But unfortunately in 2015 I got a head injury and everything changed. After a few months I began to lose my patients and became depressed and hopeless. For the next 2 years my Iman went up and down and in early 2017, I started to change. I no longer wanted to be a strict muslim. Slowly I cut back ibadaat. I was still praying 5 times a day, but I was always mad at god for making me sick. My mental state declined to the point where I lost hope in Allah and Islam. But internally I had a little hope still and there was still a place for Allah in my heart. A week before Ramadan last year I said some evil things about Allah but didn't think much of it. Ramadan came and went and I spent the whole month having fun. But on the day of July 5 2017. All existing faith I had in Islam got snatched away instantly. I got a necl injury and for some reason a week later my heart became empty. I no longer had any love for Allah Islam and I felt numb. I stopped praying and I became insane thinking I'm a kafir and I'm a hypocrite and I'm gonna die!. I tried to figure out what happened to my faith and tried to restore it. But I knew at that point it was gone possibly forever. And here i am today. For the last 8 months or so I haven't prayed a single salat, or read Quran or did any good deeds. I have no Islam in my heart or any love for Allah or the prophet. I only think about having fun and girls and sex and music. I have no interest in Islam or religion. I mean I believe that Allah exists and he's the only God but I have no love for him or Islam at this point. Like it's scary!. I feel more closer and love to kuffar than Muslims at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. Is there any hope my faith will come back?. Or am I doomed to hell?. And if I'm doomed to hell should I just have fun and part until I die?. Help me

  • #2
    It's never over. Allah is the most forgiving and the most merciful. If you dedicate yourself to him again and repent for your sins he will forgive you.

    You seem to have gone through one injury after another but those are just tests. I am sure they were terrible and you asked yourself "Why is Allah doing this to me when I've completely dedicated myself to him" but it's these tests that we go through that determine if we are faithful servants or not.

    There is hope for you if you actually try. Stop sinning, start praying again, and reading the Quran and basically just do all of the essentials. Even if you feel numb inside at least you are doing them and with time your faith will be restored. But this will only work if you dedicate yourself to Allah.

    Comment


    • #3
      If you ask me brother your ibadat you described contained all the hallmark of what I would term as 'imminent failure'. Islam is a religion of ease and it instructs the middle way. The Prophet (SAW) warned us of doing exactly that what you did. You practiced extremities - not quite Islam in its true sense. The outcome you suffer from that is exactly why the Prophet (SAW) disliked and discouraged people from practicing Islam in that sort of spirit. It was certainly all tests for you as the sister suggests and you have failed them. Wallahi, it is not easy to pass tests and if you say you believe you will be tested (sura anqabut verse 2). Test is also corresponding to the level of Imaan. The stronger the Imaan the harder the test and so is the reward's greatness if you pass it. One should not also become his own judge in this case for Allah is infinitely merciful and he rewards for any effort with Ikhlas. You say Allah is the true God. This means you are still a believer and so you are a Muslim - you are not a mu'min. Do sincere isteghfar and build your Imaan gradually. You seem also a victim as many others are that you place all the significance on the Akhira and totally negate the significance of Duniya. Brother there is no Akhira without first treading the duniya and how you tread the duniya determines the akhira. So, place greater care to duniya. Allah teaches, 'Rabbana aatina fidduniya hasanat wa fil akhirati hasanat......'. 'O Allah give me the best of the duniya and of the akhira.....' Enjoy life, ask for all the good things of life, be ready for hardship, and ask for forgiveness, be grateful. Also, Allah says, 'Certainly, there is ease after hardship'. Life is a mixture of ease and difficulties so be patient when life gets tough and be grateful when it gets easy. With regards to you thinking you are going mad.... I would remind you of Allah's statement, 'Allah does not burden anyone with more than what they can bear..' If you have true faith in that verse you can never go mad and can never think that your hardship is unbearable. Yes, it may feel hard but is not anything you cannot endure. Start afresh.... this time take it easy, start with all the obligatory duties and take it easy. Gradually increase on ibadaat and engage with nafilah. You can always leave a question for me here if you like.....

      Comment


      • #4
        well its up to you
        what do you want ? are you happy with your current life ? are you willing to return to allah ??
        it all depends on your will
        my story is more painful then yours its been 6 years now and im totally feeling empty but im convinced that life doesn't deserve
        that's why even if i lost hop of a good life i still prefer to die before i let go my emaan.
        make sure you return to your old self and ask for forgiveness and keep your love for life at its minimum so you wont have to o trough the same situation again
        i hop you got my idea and remember there are people suffering more then you could imagine .

        Comment


        • #5
          You can have fun but the fun will have to end one day.

          So, if you love yourself then you will think twice about protecting yourself by slowly getting into salah as it cleanses us of our sins.

          Girls and music are made for losers who will eventually regret 'fun' last minute and when the time comes for judgement they will wish Allah gives them another chance.

          It'll be too late by then. Life is tough, and even for the people who have fun give up on life and they lose out on everything.

          i have to repeat it's not easy being a Muslim because it seems the world is constantly trying to sell us hell but we see it as successful, eternal enjoyment and luxury.

          It's easy to get fooled and only the pious will make it through. It takes taqwa to make it through the fitnah and trials of life.

          These fun stuff will all end ine day, the things you play with, women you indulge in, music you find joy in.
          That's when you will feel utter humiliation because you will realize how petty it was and how it led you to your own downfall.

          So if you don't want to burn in hell or suffer in your grave then start changing and ask Allah to guide you. Allah is merciful and the most gracious so the door of repentance is open for you. Don't delay, help yourself and have respect for yourself.

          Are you a scum? Look at the people around you, there are Christian's and even atheists that don't fall as low and yet you love the people that might also despise you?

          Next time you do something stupid to yourself think about yourself for once, do you want to lie dead with a skank next to you committing fashad or do you want to die in a state that will help YOU not anyone else.

          We think Allah needs us but we need his Mercy to be successful and live happily ever after in the hereafter




          ​​​​​




          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            A-S.

            I think its actually really good that you could be this honest with yourself. Not many people have this capacity, some fear to go down the road you have gone down.

            I would echo what some of the posters above have stated.

            What I'd suggest is looking at yourself, critique your actions, your thoughts, your intentions etc.

            Your worship does not increase God in his Greatness, your lack of worship has zero negative impact on Him likewise. Your cursing is a mark against yourself, as is any cursing. There is a proverb - Speak, and I will know who you are. We reveal so much about ourselves through our words. If you find these words are poison, well, you need to learn where that poison is coming from. Are you angry? are you bitter? are you depressed?

            You need to sit yourself down, reflect - i.e. use your brain.

            This is something the Prophets (pbut), and the Ulamah would do. They would reflect. Contemplate their actions, deeds, think about society, the World around them. You can learn so much about yourself and those around you through this. I suggest you go down this road.

            Imaan fluctuates. In my experience, as a poster said, its about moderation. If you can instil some key practices that will ground you and keep you steady i.e. pray Jumaah, listen/recite to a certain Surah on certain days, recite a certain durood/salawat, recite some Surahs before bed etc. these will keep you in good stead. For so many people, they go from one extreme to another. They get too deep, and they are not yet grounded, and it becomes something they cannot sustain. So eventually it becomes easier to leave it.

            In addition, our religion should be teaching us good character. Through our worship, prayer, fasting, obedience to parents etc. we should be developing strong character traits i.e. honesty, patience, strength of character, good judgement, strong will etc. If we pass through our worship and don't develop these traits we need a hard look at ourselves. If we are carrying a heaviness or resentment, we need to ask ourselves why. I have had resentment before and its something I had to address.

            As you yourself should know. Allah (SWT) is the Most Merciful, and He does not turn away his servant. There are so many couplets I could recite about His (SWT) Mercy. Poets have wrote about this for centuries. No one can over-top our Creator when it comes to Mercy.

            No matter how bad you might think you are, it is nothing. You will find the door to forgiveness open. Sometimes the greatest obstruction is our ego, our fear, our pride.

            I myself have had ups and downs. And for me, that is life. That is how it should be. I don't know how many ups and downs are ahead, one thing I know though is I love Allah (SWT) and I love the Prophet (Saws) because of the huge favours bestowed upon me, and the sacrifices the Prophet (Saws) made for me. I remember a scholar saying whatever Allah (SWT) granted the Prophet (Saws), He always wanted for his Ummah too. He was so loving, he would want whatever good there was to be granted to people like you and me. For me, this is too much. The highest grade/level of people do good for others without expecting anything in return. I could go on and on in regards to why I have such an intense love for the Prophet (Saws) but this is very personal to me. Everyone has access to the Prophet (Saws) and they need to explore that relationship as it will do nothing but enrich their life.



            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by AX1300 View Post
              A-S.

              I think its actually really good that you could be this honest with yourself. Not many people have this capacity, some fear to go down the road you have gone down.

              I would echo what some of the posters above have stated.

              What I'd suggest is looking at yourself, critique your actions, your thoughts, your intentions etc.

              Your worship does not increase God in his Greatness, your lack of worship has zero negative impact on Him likewise. Your cursing is a mark against yourself, as is any cursing. There is a proverb - Speak, and I will know who you are. We reveal so much about ourselves through our words. If you find these words are poison, well, you need to learn where that poison is coming from. Are you angry? are you bitter? are you depressed?

              You need to sit yourself down, reflect - i.e. use your brain.

              This is something the Prophets (pbut), and the Ulamah would do. They would reflect. Contemplate their actions, deeds, think about society, the World around them. You can learn so much about yourself and those around you through this. I suggest you go down this road.

              Imaan fluctuates. In my experience, as a poster said, its about moderation. If you can instil some key practices that will ground you and keep you steady i.e. pray Jumaah, listen/recite to a certain Surah on certain days, recite a certain durood/salawat, recite some Surahs before bed etc. these will keep you in good stead. For so many people, they go from one extreme to another. They get too deep, and they are not yet grounded, and it becomes something they cannot sustain. So eventually it becomes easier to leave it.

              In addition, our religion should be teaching us good character. Through our worship, prayer, fasting, obedience to parents etc. we should be developing strong character traits i.e. honesty, patience, strength of character, good judgement, strong will etc. If we pass through our worship and don't develop these traits we need a hard look at ourselves. If we are carrying a heaviness or resentment, we need to ask ourselves why. I have had resentment before and its something I had to address.

              As you yourself should know. Allah (SWT) is the Most Merciful, and He does not turn away his servant. There are so many couplets I could recite about His (SWT) Mercy. Poets have wrote about this for centuries. No one can over-top our Creator when it comes to Mercy.

              No matter how bad you might think you are, it is nothing. You will find the door to forgiveness open. Sometimes the greatest obstruction is our ego, our fear, our pride.

              I myself have had ups and downs. And for me, that is life. That is how it should be. I don't know how many ups and downs are ahead, one thing I know though is I love Allah (SWT) and I love the Prophet (Saws) because of the huge favours bestowed upon me, and the sacrifices the Prophet (Saws) made for me. I remember a scholar saying whatever Allah (SWT) granted the Prophet (Saws), He always wanted for his Ummah too. He was so loving, he would want whatever good there was to be granted to people like you and me. For me, this is too much. The highest grade/level of people do good for others without expecting anything in return. I could go on and on in regards to why I have such an intense love for the Prophet (Saws) but this is very personal to me. Everyone has access to the Prophet (Saws) and they need to explore that relationship as it will do nothing but enrich their life.


              Great post

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by hopefulservant24 View Post
                Okay it's a long story. Basically back in 2012 after dealing with sickness I suddenly woke up one day and decided I was gonna be a practicing Muslim. I started praying 5 times a day and completely immersed myself in the religion doing intense ibadaat. I disconnected from this Dunya and just focused on Islam and akhira. As the years went on I started to become more religious and a very strict muslim. Literally 24 hours a day thinking about Allah crying reading Quran watching lectures. Islam was my ENTIRE life. I lived with my parents and didn't go to school because of my illness. Everything was going great even though I was suffering from pain and sickness, I was happy with my life because I loved Allah and his plan. But unfortunately in 2015 I got a head injury and everything changed. After a few months I began to lose my patients and became depressed and hopeless. For the next 2 years my Iman went up and down and in early 2017, I started to change. I no longer wanted to be a strict muslim. Slowly I cut back ibadaat. I was still praying 5 times a day, but I was always mad at god for making me sick. My mental state declined to the point where I lost hope in Allah and Islam. But internally I had a little hope still and there was still a place for Allah in my heart. A week before Ramadan last year I said some evil things about Allah but didn't think much of it. Ramadan came and went and I spent the whole month having fun. But on the day of July 5 2017. All existing faith I had in Islam got snatched away instantly. I got a necl injury and for some reason a week later my heart became empty. I no longer had any love for Allah Islam and I felt numb. I stopped praying and I became insane thinking I'm a kafir and I'm a hypocrite and I'm gonna die!. I tried to figure out what happened to my faith and tried to restore it. But I knew at that point it was gone possibly forever. And here i am today. For the last 8 months or so I haven't prayed a single salat, or read Quran or did any good deeds. I have no Islam in my heart or any love for Allah or the prophet. I only think about having fun and girls and sex and music. I have no interest in Islam or religion. I mean I believe that Allah exists and he's the only God but I have no love for him or Islam at this point. Like it's scary!. I feel more closer and love to kuffar than Muslims at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. Is there any hope my faith will come back?. Or am I doomed to hell?. And if I'm doomed to hell should I just have fun and part until I die?. Help me
                This is what happens when you do the outward rituals of Islam without building solid foundation in Aqeedah (Creed) and Tawheed (Monotheism).

                If you understood Tawheed you would not turn you back on it because of some head injury or any other calamity.

                So long as death has not overtaken you there is still hope. Re-start your life, re-boot your Islam but this time do it properly.

                Start here: https://abdurrahman.org/2014/01/31/t...al-principles/

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by hopefulservant24 View Post
                  Okay it's a long story. Basically back in 2012 after dealing with sickness I suddenly woke up one day and decided I was gonna be a practicing Muslim. I started praying 5 times a day and completely immersed myself in the religion doing intense ibadaat. I disconnected from this Dunya and just focused on Islam and akhira. As the years went on I started to become more religious and a very strict muslim. Literally 24 hours a day thinking about Allah crying reading Quran watching lectures. Islam was my ENTIRE life. I lived with my parents and didn't go to school because of my illness. Everything was going great even though I was suffering from pain and sickness, I was happy with my life because I loved Allah and his plan. But unfortunately in 2015 I got a head injury and everything changed. After a few months I began to lose my patients and became depressed and hopeless. For the next 2 years my Iman went up and down and in early 2017, I started to change. I no longer wanted to be a strict muslim. Slowly I cut back ibadaat. I was still praying 5 times a day, but I was always mad at god for making me sick. My mental state declined to the point where I lost hope in Allah and Islam. But internally I had a little hope still and there was still a place for Allah in my heart. A week before Ramadan last year I said some evil things about Allah but didn't think much of it. Ramadan came and went and I spent the whole month having fun. But on the day of July 5 2017. All existing faith I had in Islam got snatched away instantly. I got a necl injury and for some reason a week later my heart became empty. I no longer had any love for Allah Islam and I felt numb. I stopped praying and I became insane thinking I'm a kafir and I'm a hypocrite and I'm gonna die!. I tried to figure out what happened to my faith and tried to restore it. But I knew at that point it was gone possibly forever. And here i am today. For the last 8 months or so I haven't prayed a single salat, or read Quran or did any good deeds. I have no Islam in my heart or any love for Allah or the prophet. I only think about having fun and girls and sex and music. I have no interest in Islam or religion. I mean I believe that Allah exists and he's the only God but I have no love for him or Islam at this point. Like it's scary!. I feel more closer and love to kuffar than Muslims at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. Is there any hope my faith will come back?. Or am I doomed to hell?. And if I'm doomed to hell should I just have fun and part until I die?. Help me
                  I got hopeless once to and almost lost my faith in Islam because my wife stopped practicing it. So after I stopped praying for a couple of days and stopped focusing on being a good muslim I realized that life is actually more depressing without Islam and life becomes more happier when you pray and focus on islamic positive stuff. So I would encourage you to try to pray again and try to live a halal lifestyle again and you will notice that you will become more happy while doing so inshallah.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by muhajir12 View Post

                    I got hopeless once to and almost lost my faith in Islam because my wife stopped practicing it. So after I stopped praying for a couple of days and stopped focusing on being a good muslim I realized that life is actually more depressing without Islam and life becomes more happier when you pray and focus on islamic positive stuff. So I would encourage you to try to pray again and try to live a halal lifestyle again and you will notice that you will become more happy while doing so inshallah.
                    Our carnal, base desires never leave us - and they deceive us.

                    All humans desire wealth, power, attention, women, fancy things, a life of complete ease and selfishness.

                    Our nafs pulls us in this direction - without any limit.

                    If we don't control our greed for example we just want to eat and eat, binge on foods, mainly those that are bad for us - going against the Sunnah. What is the result - when we eat till we can't move (and I have this struggle), we then feel sick. At this point, if someone was to present the same food that looked so appealing before, you would feel sick. Then, we rest, nap etc. give it a few hours, and the same desire is refreshed and unleashed. It is the same with all our carnal desires. It is a vicious cycle and some people can’t recognise it for what it is.

                    Read about the men that sleep around, Russell Brand is a very good example. He is very good at explaining things and very balanced in his analysis. He explains how the desire for sex (he was a 'sex addict') ended up reminding him of his drug addiction. The seeking out, enjoyment, emptiness etc. were all very similar. But from the outside looking in, we just think- ‘wow, he had all those women’. This is not the case.

                    It is all a delusion. And it’s very easy to think - what if etc. especially if you have not engaged in that type of life.

                    We need to appreciate if we have not lived that life, then Allah (SWT) has guarded us. It is a huge favour and something we should give thanks for. And there are many hadith that praise those that don't fall into corruption when the World around them is falling to bits - and it is.

                    It's the same with money. We all chase money, we chase luxury, we chase comfort, and then you have people who have 1 million, then go for 10, for 50 etc. and so on. And then they die without nearly bringing as much good as they could to those around them - simply because they became greedy, paranoid and feared losing their wealth. How many hundreds of millions did big pop/rock artists have when they died? how much benefit did this bring them and others? none. How many billions are stashed away in bank accounts right now in the World, how much benefit could this bring people?

                    Our desire for food, love, attention, sex etc. makes us human, and there is no shame in that, but we need to recognise these desires and not let them dictate our lives. Seeing a grown man with absolutely no will power or control over his tongue, eyes, ears etc. is one of the saddest things you can see. And it is all due to letting these desires run riot. And when you are down that road, it is very hard to find enlightenment. If anything you are more prone to extreme mood swings, anger, depression etc.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by AX1300 View Post

                      Our carnal, base desires never leave us - and they deceive us.

                      All humans desire wealth, power, attention, women, fancy things, a life of complete ease and selfishness.

                      Our nafs pulls us in this direction - without any limit.

                      If we don't control our greed for example we just want to eat and eat, binge on foods, mainly those that are bad for us - going against the Sunnah. What is the result - when we eat till we can't move (and I have this struggle), we then feel sick. At this point, if someone was to present the same food that looked so appealing before, you would feel sick. Then, we rest, nap etc. give it a few hours, and the same desire is refreshed and unleashed. It is the same with all our carnal desires. It is a vicious cycle and some people can’t recognise it for what it is.

                      Read about the men that sleep around, Russell Brand is a very good example. He is very good at explaining things and very balanced in his analysis. He explains how the desire for sex (he was a 'sex addict') ended up reminding him of his drug addiction. The seeking out, enjoyment, emptiness etc. were all very similar. But from the outside looking in, we just think- ‘wow, he had all those women’. This is not the case.

                      It is all a delusion. And it’s very easy to think - what if etc. especially if you have not engaged in that type of life.

                      We need to appreciate if we have not lived that life, then Allah (SWT) has guarded us. It is a huge favour and something we should give thanks for. And there are many hadith that praise those that don't fall into corruption when the World around them is falling to bits - and it is.

                      It's the same with money. We all chase money, we chase luxury, we chase comfort, and then you have people who have 1 million, then go for 10, for 50 etc. and so on. And then they die without nearly bringing as much good as they could to those around them - simply because they became greedy, paranoid and feared losing their wealth. How many hundreds of millions did big pop/rock artists have when they died? how much benefit did this bring them and others? none. How many billions are stashed away in bank accounts right now in the World, how much benefit could this bring people?

                      Our desire for food, love, attention, sex etc. makes us human, and there is no shame in that, but we need to recognise these desires and not let them dictate our lives. Seeing a grown man with absolutely no will power or control over his tongue, eyes, ears etc. is one of the saddest things you can see. And it is all due to letting these desires run riot. And when you are down that road, it is very hard to find enlightenment. If anything you are more prone to extreme mood swings, anger, depression etc.
                      Yes you make excellent points and I agree with most of what you said. To add on its also the lack of good environment and associating with good and positive people that can also lead to that hopelessness. Unfortunately if a person associates with negative people on a regular basis than that person will end up being negative and hopeless so the cure is to associate with positive people, especially people who are educated in islam and just anybody who is positive, happy, and successful in general and if negative people try to hold you back than its best to abandon them and focus on living a happy life for yourself.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Everyone has weaknesses but as Muslims we should try to have a very high standard of ourselves regardless of what the world normalises. For example, in some cultures masterbation and watching porn are normalised. It's been encouraged because it is human nature (apparently). We should always seek purity and see anything like that as dirty. Always aim for purity. It's not being arrogant, it's being clean, dignified to yourself, your soul and body. Never think that just because you are a man your desires are fine, you should feel ashamed and disgusted at the thought of it because your standards are or should be much higher than anybody else's. Just as a member has described with the example of food. Say on the rare occasion I overdo it with excess food, I should feel like a greedy pig- naturally I should feel like disgusted at myself so that I avoid doing it again.
                        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          When bad things happen it's either a test or punishment. And you can know which of the two based on your deeds. Were you doing any bad deeds when those things happened to you? I am sure you were, because Allah says any bad that happens to you in because of what your hands have earned.

                          I had similar problem, I have had form of cancer for 12 years on and off.

                          And i I too became religious with hope Allah would remove the problems but it didn't come and I was praying 5 prayers daily and one day I got sleep paralysis from jinn due to certain sin and I though that's it I give up. All these deeds I am doing and you still give me this. So my motivation to pray all 5 was destroyed since 4 years now I can't do them I manage only 4 on time and other I repeat not on time, but I am trying to improve.

                          The problems and sickness you got is from major sins you were doing

                          so so look at what you were doing. The fact you left salah all together shows you were not a true Muslim from the first place and were doing and still doing major sins.

                          Do you help Muslims in need. Hadith says Allah helps a Muslim as long as he helps his Muslim brother. You prayed all day but never did the slightest help to anyone not even your parents I am sure. I know because most Muslims are like this, so repent from all major sins. Like cutting family ties, being bad to parents, watching haram things, music, relation with girls, haram income, missing prayers.

                          Missing ng salahs makes you not Muslim according to the Hadith.

                          And make dua that Allah puts the faith in your heart and guides you and pray in the last third of the night and before tasleem in salah

                          and call on Allah with his greatest name which could be Dhul jalal wa alikraam, or almanan, or al hayy al qayoom, Allah,

                          and bs when you make dua think that Allah is looking at me right now. And in all your acts of worship and in all your deeds, and try to defend islam by writing articles or by similar means.

                          also have fun in halal way with righteous friends if there are any, you are not to worship 24/7 and listen to lectures and nothing else.

                          And try to gain a secular skill like web designing or something and work online to provide for yourself and help Muslims in need and Allah will help you with your needs. The more you help Muslims the more Allah will help you.

                          Muslims do the worship part some of them but leave out helping even one person whenthe prophet said the best of you is he who is most helpful to others not he who prays all night.

                          so repent and do as you did but in moderation and help Muslims and Allah will help you with your needs

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