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  1. #1
    New Member Serina's Avatar
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    A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    A girl does not have to move in with her husbands family if she does not wish to. She can ask for separate living arranagements or least a private kitchen and bathroom.

    She is entitled to search for a husband who will live separately.

    Remember the saying "the in laws are death"

  2. #2
    Odan MG's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    ....
    Last edited by MG; 15-06-15 at 09:26 PM. Reason: ..
    For The Non-Muslims:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlMBkJme8J4The ProphetSAW sed, "(There are2words which R dear 2 the most gracious (Allah SWT)&very easy4the tongue2say but very heavy in the balance.They are:Subhan Allahi Wa Bihamdihi - Subhan Allahil-Azim.Islam- Why Pay For The Disease,When The Cure Is Free

  3. #3
    ~**~**~**~**~**~ ze leetle elper's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    The hadith about in laws is regarding brother in laws being 'death' -- in that she should not be alone with him etc etc

    LOOL@ the mother-in-law being death! She bore and brought up that man you love! I think its a tad harsh to be nicknaming her 'death!'
    What does 'freedom' mean?

    Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
    Restricted by the sky?

    Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
    Not enough river to explore?

    Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
    but death for the fish,

    The sea is wide for the fish
    but will engulf the bird.

    We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
    We can only express our nature as it was created.

    The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
    freedom from slavery to other than the One,
    Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
    and a horizon that extends to the next life,
    Yet we chose the prison and call it freedom.

    “All our handling of the child will bear fruit, not only at the moment, but in the adult they are destined to become.” Donate today! http://campaign.justgiving.com/chari...iyahschool2015

  4. #4
    In Dubai bint's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    Quote Originally Posted by ze leetle elper
    The hadith about in laws is regarding brother in laws being 'death' -- in that she should not be alone with him etc etc

    LOOL@ the mother-in-law being death! She bore and brought up that man you love! I think its a tad harsh to be nicknaming her 'death!'

    lollll

    mannn

    ..

    sometimes the daughter in law is death
    “The great Imam ash-Shafi’, he went to his teacher Waki`
    Complaining about the weakness of his memory.
    He told him, ‘abandon rebellion, for knowledge is a light
    And the light of Allah is not bestowed upon a rebel.”

  5. #5
    Odan islamirama's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    A young girl was home alone while her husband was at work. A man broke into her house and raped her, she kissed him also in that course(guess she liked it). when her husband came home she said a man broke in but then kissed her on the head and said your too young and left. It wasn't till years later that she told her husband the truth, when all her kids had grown up. Now the man is not sure what to do with her, and not sure of his feelings towards her.

    This question was posed by this bro on islam-qa.com

    It's good for the couple to have their own place as it gives them privacy and what not. But to rush off like that or demand such thing right way can be bad for them. Who is to give her security while she's home alone? Plus if they live alone and the guy has a fight with wife, who is to keep the guy in check and not fool around? Living with in-laws is beneficial for both sides. the parents get to have their daughter in law and son in before them and enjoy the company in this old age, the son gets watched over by dad and kept in line and advised in matters he may not be experienced while the wife gets advice and what not from the mother-in-law. These are not your enemy, but rather your parents with a life long experience and knowledge that you should take advantage of before their time comes.

    Think islamically, think easternly, not westernly. There's no "I" "I" "I", we are not capitalist amerians. There's no "I" or "me" only, there's "WE" and "us". We work together, we are a community, we are a family, we are here for each other. All of asia (japanese,chinese, indians/paki, arabs) we all believe in strong family values and working together as a team. The Americans kick their kids out at the age of 18 to live on their own and the kids kick their parents into nursing homes in their old age. It's always "me" and "I" with them. Look how good they have done with such mentality.

    Yes, the couples can live alone but are they ready to at this age? And think about what they miss out by running away so fast rather then to serving the parents and earning some ajr.
    Last edited by islamirama; 26-06-06 at 12:43 PM.
    Banned permamently for not taking mods BS

  6. #6
    New Member Serina's Avatar
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    a girl definitely does not "gotta go"

    From a Shariah perspective, it is not the wife’s responsibility to look after her parents’ in-law or take care of them. She does not have to live with them, hence it will not be sinful or even blameworthy if she chooses to live separately from her in-laws.
    You state that you would like to see some evidences from the Qur'an or Sunna suggesting that the husband and wife should live separately, hence just ponder over the following Hadith:
    Sayyiduna Amr ibn al-Ahwas narrates a long Hadith in which he relates the sermon given by the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) at the time of his farewell Hajj. From amongst the many advices given by the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), he stated:
    “Beware! I advise you to treat your women honourably, for these women are confined in your homes. Other than this, you cannot demand anything from them except if they commit a manifest sin…” (Sunan Tirmidhi, no: 3087)
    The above words of wisdom should be kept in mind by every husband. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) explained that a woman, upon marrying, leaves behind her parents, family, friends and everything else in order to come and live with her husband. She sacrifices everything for the sake of her new life-partner, and becomes tied and confined with her husband. Thus, the husband should reflect on this, and by doing so, he would never attempt to treat his wife in an ill manner.
    The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) then stated that the husband does not have any further rights over his wife other than her being confined and tied up with him. This is a huge sacrifice given by the wife; hence the husband should not demand and expect anything more than that.
    From this Hadith, the jurists (fuqaha) have deduced that the wife is not legally responsible for serving her in-laws. The husband cannot demand from her to take care of his own parents, for that is not legally binding on her. Rather, the Hadith states that the husband cannot demand anything besides the fact that the woman has confined herself to him.
    Having said that, it is a great act of virtue and blessings for the wife if she serves her parents in-law, for which she will be immensely rewarded. She should try her best in taking care of them, but this is not her responsibility or duty per se.
    Indeed, there are many texts of the Qur’an and Sunnah emphasising the importance of looking after one’s parents, but we should remember that this is the duty of the son. The husband is responsible to look after his own parents and not enforce this duty upon his wife. He most definitely does not have to send them to a nursing home; rather, he may provide a separate home for his wife and daily take care of the needs of his parents. He may even reside close to his parent’s home and spend a lot of time there. He should help in their daily affairs and take care of them. If his wife wishes to join in, she will be committing a great act of virtue but she cannot be forced. We need to always keep in mind the words of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) where he said that give each person the right they deserve. By doing so, we will have a more blissful, happy and pleasant atmosphere, Insha' Allah.
    And Allah knows best


    Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
    Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK



    www.sunnipath.com

  7. #7
    In Dubai bint's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    Quote Originally Posted by islamirama
    A young girl was home alone while her husband was at work. A man broke into her house and raped her, she kissed him also in that course(guess she liked it). when her husband came home she said a man broke in but then kissed her on the head and said your too young and left. It wasn't till years later that she told her husband the truth, when all her kids had grown up. Now the man is not sure what to do with her, and not sure of his feelings towards her.
    Quote Originally Posted by islamirama

    This question was posed by this bro on islam-qa.com

    It's good for the couple to have their own place as it gives them privacy and what not. But to rush off like that or demand such thing right way can be bad for them. Who is to give her security while she's home alone? Plus if they live alone and the guy has a fight with wife, who is to keep the guy in check and not fool around? Living with in-laws is beneficial for both sides. the parents get to have their daughter in law and son in before them and enjoy the company in this old age, the son gets watched over by dad and kept in line and advised in matters he may not be experienced while the wife gets advice and what not from the mother-in-law. These are not your enemy, but rather your parents with a life long experience and knowledge that you should take advantage of before their time comes.

    Think islamically, think easternly, not westernly. There's no "I" "I" "I", we are not capitalist amerians. There's no "I" or "me" only, there's "WE" and "us". We work together, we are a community, we are a family, we are here for each other. All of asia (japanese,chinese, indians/paki, arabs) we all believe in strong family values and working together as a team. The Americans kick their kids out at the age of 18 to live on their own and the kids kick their parents into nursing homes in their old age. It's always "me" and "I" with them. Look how good they have done with such mentality.

    Yes, the couples can live alone but are they ready to at this age? And think about what they miss out by running away so fast rather then to serving the parents and earning some ajr.

    MMM...thats why i say a lass shud learn self defence..or martial arts. get em down!!
    “The great Imam ash-Shafi’, he went to his teacher Waki`
    Complaining about the weakness of his memory.
    He told him, ‘abandon rebellion, for knowledge is a light
    And the light of Allah is not bestowed upon a rebel.”

  8. #8
    Odan islamirama's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    Quote Originally Posted by bint
    [b]


    MMM...thats why i say a lass shud learn self defence..or martial arts. get em down!!
    i agree and i think they should but Martial arts can only do so much for you. If a person has a knife or gun then you can't do much. Anyways, my main point was that living with the in-laws has benefits for both sides.
    Banned permamently for not taking mods BS

  9. #9
    Senior Member 1 ummah's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    why can't the man live at the wife's house if he really can't provide for a seperate home

  10. #10
    In Dubai bint's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    Quote Originally Posted by 1 ummah
    why can't the man live at the wife's house if he really can't provide for a seperate home
    eh?

    thats just turns out to be the same!!

    why wud a guy go stay at the womans place???with HER family? man im a lass but id rather go to him.
    “The great Imam ash-Shafi’, he went to his teacher Waki`
    Complaining about the weakness of his memory.
    He told him, ‘abandon rebellion, for knowledge is a light
    And the light of Allah is not bestowed upon a rebel.”

  11. #11
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    shouldnt we as muslims be progressive when it comes to matters of dunya? its getting exeedingly hard to have your own apartment or house etc in the west without dealing in riba. not to mention a car, and all the luxurious things etc. thats why i dont mind not being married anymore, it seems like everyone male or female approaches marriage with a sense of entitlement right off the bat. its become what can i get out of this marriage. and grant it yes there are rights we must fulfill for each other.i dknow, it seems not worth it to me. i would have no problem getting married and bringing my wife into my parents house or going to hers before we are able to live in an apartment. its much better than being single and falling into zina etc. parents have to also be a little lenient, they are out of touch with their childrens needs, and see the world like it was when they were our age. its really sad. they prefer culture over simplicity of islaam.

  12. #12

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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    I already knew this, the moving in with the in-laws thing was always a cultural thing and never an islamic one, proving how easily so many south-asians mistake culture for religion. I really wish more women knew what their options were before marriage or were strong enough to demand something for themselves but so many as such dreamers, just want to be happy in love and married and rush into it thinking I will only be living with in-laws for a short time but 10 years later and they are still stuck there because hubby is making excuses because he is too comfortable at home and doesn't want to move out.

  13. #13
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    Quote Originally Posted by fumke View Post
    I already knew this, the moving in with the in-laws thing was always a cultural thing and never an islamic one, proving how easily so many south-asians mistake culture for religion. I really wish more women knew what their options were before marriage or were strong enough to demand something for themselves but so many as such dreamers, just want to be happy in love and married and rush into it thinking I will only be living with in-laws for a short time but 10 years later and they are still stuck there because hubby is making excuses because he is too comfortable at home and doesn't want to move out.
    Agree, moving in with in-laws most definitely came about with culture. Infact, isn't it the case that most men in the sub-continent stay almost all their lives at their parents even after marriage. I guess it's seen as disrespectful to move out of the family home without specific reason and because it's the cultural norm, you'll need a very good reason to do so. Most would see it as a result of a family feud.

    When it comes to religion, as the sister mentioned it's the right of the wife to have her own dwelling place. Islam respects the privacy of a married couple especially when non-mehrams are concerned.

    Having said all this, have you ever considered the case when living with in-laws is more necessity than choice? The responsibility of parents at old age lies with their sons, so if they are old and weak and unable to support themselves, then surely one cannot expect a man to abandon them. Ofcourse, he can always provide separate accommodation for his wife nearby and still support his parents, that's true. This brings about the next point.

    How many guys who are looking for their first wife can support their parents along with their new wife in two separate accommodations? The answer is not very many, unless you live on the hills where land is sold by the acre.

    However when both parents can support themselves and the guy can afford to move out, then I strongly support them moving out. A man cannot expect to be under the care of his parents his whole life. This is child-like and shows a great lack of independence. Not to mention his wife will want to do things her own way and being under the rule of her MIL forever is unfair. I know some guys who want their wife to stay at her in-laws her whole life. I know many others who would jump at the chance to move out providing his parents were looked after. These things obviously need to be discussed before marriage.

    So in conclusion, I feel that the norm should be moving out whereas staying with in-laws should be the exception. I just wanted to express the fact that for many righteous brothers, moving out is not always as easy as it seems. You might tell him to withhold marriage until he can provide separate accommodation, but my answer to that would be that nikkah shouldn't be delayed when two people have been deemed fit for marriage. We always hear about the horror stories associated with living with in-laws and if these are the only stories one gets to hear, then naturally they will develop quite a narrow view.

    Sisters are well within their right to marry only brothers who will live separately, but I just wanted to provide some light on why some brothers cannot.
    رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
    "My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need."

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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    Quote Originally Posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
    Agree, moving in with in-laws most definitely came about with culture. Infact, isn't it the case that most men in the sub-continent stay almost all their lives at their parents even after marriage. I guess it's seen as disrespectful to move out of the family home without specific reason and because it's the cultural norm, you'll need a very good reason to do so. Most would see it as a result of a family feud.
    No thats the excuse they love to give or they say 'my parents are old therefore I want to remain at home to look after them' or some other excuse - realistically its because they can't AFFORD to move out thats why they want to remain home after marriage.

    Notice how its always the ones with good careers/salaries who had no problem moving out but those with mediocre jobs/low pay are the ones preoccupied with remaining home to 'look after their family'... even though its the wife who does most of the looking after

  15. #15
    This does compute! Pippin1376's Avatar
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    Quote Originally Posted by halfmydeen89 View Post
    So in conclusion, I feel that the norm should be moving out whereas staying with in-laws should be the exception. I just wanted to express the fact that for many righteous brothers, moving out is not always as easy as it seems. You might tell him to withhold marriage until he can provide separate accommodation, but my answer to that would be that nikkah shouldn't be delayed when two people have been deemed fit for marriage. We always hear about the horror stories associated with living with in-laws and if these are the only stories one gets to hear, then naturally they will develop quite a narrow view.
    Even though I come from a culture where staying with the in-laws doesn't happen, I don't fully agree with your conclusion. It depends on the couple and culture and whether they can work this out. Some sisters would love to live with the inlaws, some would want their inlaws to live with them, and some want their own space. The couple should decide on what's best to do, so there's no clear cut answer here.
    "...And never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith."
    Surah Yusuf
    [12:87]

    .:.
    .:.Vitanda est improba siren desidia.:.
    One musts avoid that wicked temptress, Laziness.

    .:.
    .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
    Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you



  16. #16
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    Re: A girl doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to go

    Quote Originally Posted by fumke View Post
    No thats the excuse they love to give or they say 'my parents are old therefore I want to remain at home to look after them' or some other excuse - realistically its because they can't AFFORD to move out thats why they want to remain home after marriage.

    Notice how its always the ones with good careers/salaries who had no problem moving out but those with mediocre jobs/low pay are the ones preoccupied with remaining home to 'look after their family'... even though its the wife who does most of the looking after
    Perhaps what you said is true in certain cases i cannot deny it. But it's the generalisation and 'they' which comes across negative. Even if 90% of cases were as you described (i'm sure it's less), then just be hopeful and never lose faith and inshaAllah you'll find a brother in the 10%. Its great being a realist, it means it'll better prepare us to ask questions to ascertain marriage potentials but nobody likes a pessimist (i'm not pointing fingers at anyone, just speaking generally)

    If a brother cannot afford it, then he should just be honest about it. Chances are that she'll respect him more than if he lied to her with no future intention to separate.

    Quote Originally Posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    Even though I come from a culture where staying with the in-laws doesn't happen, I don't fully agree with your conclusion. It depends on the couple and culture and whether they can work this out. Some sisters would love to live with the inlaws, some would want their inlaws to live with them, and some want their own space. The couple should decide on what's best to do, so there's no clear cut answer here.
    I agree sister. If a couple is happy staying with in laws then khair, that could prove very rewarding for them too inshaAllah.
    رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
    "My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need."


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