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  1. #1
    061116 Rifqah's Avatar
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    Mixing cultures and families



    For the sisters who live in this situation with in-laws:

    How common is this expectation to live with in-laws?

    What is the deal regarding privacy? Conversations and disagreements overheard - do the family get involved or do they mostly leave the couple to their own business.

    If the blended living is permanent then what happens when children come along? If the mothers (mother of the children) decision respected or over ruled by the children's grandmother or aunties?

    What about cooking for your husband? Or what if you have to eat different food because you can't have spicy food every day?

    What about romance? (Generally)

    What about your day generally, if you have projects or work from home and you're busy, you can go about your day or you have to be told what to do as it's not your house but someone else's?

    What about hijab and niqab, do you keep them on or off in the house?
    Last edited by Rifqah; 03-11-17 at 06:21 AM.

  2. #41
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    For something to be wajib in this context, it would require a situation where they literally had no control otherwise, so can you give an example either theoretical no matter how unlikely or from real life where this would actually be the case where a person was literally forced to marry even though they knew it would result in them doing something haram?
    Could you rewrite that i didnt get it

    How will them marrying lead to them doing something haram and who is being forced

  3. #42
    "رَوْحٌ وَ رَيْحَان" Tayoofa's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Alhamdulilah we don't have this culture in our family !

    I can't live in a house where I should wear Niqab 24/7 hours because of having brothers in law living in same house
    Last edited by Tayoofa; 03-11-17 at 11:12 PM.
    Ibn Al Qayyim may Allah have mercy on him said: ("
    The heart on its journey towards Allah the Exalted is like that of a bird. Love is its head, and fear and hope are its two wings. When the head is healthy, then the two wings will fly well. When the head is cut off, the bird will die. When either of two wings is damaged, the bird becomes vulnerable to every hunter and predator..”
    )

  4. #43
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    I just remembered a family I know of, the boy married from 'back home' and brought his wife to live in the family home with extended family. After a year the brother got a job elsewhere and they moved to another city, on their own with their baby. The wife couldn't stick being on her own without family and felt the baby was sad without extended family. After a few months she begged him to send her back to his family and that is what happened....he stayed a lone for work and came back to the family every month. It goes to show I suppose that some people are just so accustomed to living in an extended family that they feel lost living only with their husband.

  5. #44
    😈 Al-Wahhābī 😈 Linkdeutscher's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Samsandman View Post
    Living with in laws has nothing to do with Islam or the sunnah. it is an imitation of mushrikeen like hindus and sikhs and part of their filthy culture.

    Did The Nabi sallahu alayhi wasalam live with his in laws? Did any of the sahaba live with their in laws?

    No,it was a completely unknown practice to them as the Sunnah and seerah show.

    The number of horror stories of sisters being abused by their in laws and even being murdered should show you the harm in this.

    Find yourself a real man and skip the Momma's boys and mushrik imitators.
    Yeah...no.

    Be careful throwing around verdicts like that. I doubt you even know what constitutes 'imitation of the kuffaar' and what doesn't.
    You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

    You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

  6. #45
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    That's reasonable

    Brothers shouldn't ditch their parents but putting pressure on the wife to witness certain things can take it's toll

    It is unpleasant, stressful, it's not why you got married, it ruins Harmony.

    Helping out now and then is fine but expecting the wife to take on a carer's responsibility is very unfair. She might as well stay single and look after her parents.

    Talking from experience
    I take it the "honeymoon period" is over? After doing your due diligence I would expect none of this came as a surprise. How much of this is genuine grievance or simply because you never wanted to get marriedother than to please your parents?
    Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world’s ending!

    None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

  7. #46

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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post


    I think you need to give a kuthba

    Come and visit us in the UK

    We need some inspiration
    your not the first one to suggest or request this
    but My not is not now but inshaAllah it will soon come.

  8. #47
    Odan Gingerbeardman's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    Could you rewrite that i didnt get it

    How will them marrying lead to them doing something haram and who is being forced
    The original point I made was that if you know your parents and family are going to be oppressive, doing dhulm, and you cannot afford to live away from them then at that point you should fall under the classification of the person who cannot afford to marry, because if you do then you'd have to force your life to live under these circumstances.

    So can you give a practical example of where it might be wajib for a man to marry, even if he has to live in the above situation which fasting and having sabr does not meet?
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  9. #48
    061116 Rifqah's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
    I just remembered a family I know of, the boy married from 'back home' and brought his wife to live in the family home with extended family. After a year the brother got a job elsewhere and they moved to another city, on their own with their baby. The wife couldn't stick being on her own without family and felt the baby was sad without extended family. After a few months she begged him to send her back to his family and that is what happened....he stayed a lone for work and came back to the family every month. It goes to show I suppose that some people are just so accustomed to living in an extended family that they feel lost living only with their husband.
    That's actually so sweet and quite understandable.

    I know a lady who lost her husband and could not remain in the house alone, she needed some company.

    There's a certain security of living with people and sharing life with them.

  10. #49
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    not something i could do personally, unless i became really very close to the inlaws and there was enough space to be alone. Most of the time you find there isn't a very good relationship between the family and it leads to issues that wouldn't have existed if they were living alone. Inlaw/dil dramas.

    i know of a family where there was many living in a small house(2bedroom). one brother worked away and his wife and children lived with his family. he visited for 2wks after 2yrs of seperation and the arrangement meant that he didn't see his family alone, the men slept in one room the women in the other. both spouses were upset by it. Its not always appropriate to live as a joint family, unless there is enough room.

    But in some cultures people backbite if a brother chooses to move out from his parents house unfortunately-"hes not fulfilling his duty to his parents".

  11. #50
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    The original point I made was that if you know your parents and family are going to be oppressive, doing dhulm, and you cannot afford to live away from them then at that point you should fall under the classification of the person who cannot afford to marry, because if you do then you'd have to force your life to live under these circumstances.

    So can you give a practical example of where it might be wajib for a man to marry, even if he has to live in the above situation which fasting and having sabr does not meet?
    If you involve living with parents who are causing dhuln then i cant obviously

    But i was talking from a point where parents are not going to cause problems

  12. #51
    Odan Gingerbeardman's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    If you involve living with parents who are causing dhuln then i cant obviously

    But i was talking from a point where parents are not going to cause problems
    ok talking about different things then,

    however brothers need to be clear on this stuff before hand it's an expectation, so she's not going into it blind, and even then she has a right to demand her own housing later on if she feels unhappy with the situation
    Last edited by Gingerbeardman; 04-11-17 at 06:26 PM.
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  13. #52
    Umm Rumaysah - 23/09/2017 Hannahk92's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Way too many cons than pros even if you do get along with your inlaws just fine

    Will never do it again unless there I didn't have a choice
    ▪️••• 〰 Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards the idiot is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response, but rather it does not befit the lion to answer the dogs. 〰 •••▪️

    ~ IMAM SHAFI'I RH

  14. #53
    Odan Sis_Asiya's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    It's very common in south Asian cultures unfortunately it's really difficult living in such a situation I talk from experience alhamdulillah am free of those people now.

    It's like treading on eggshells your in someone else's house their rules their standards and ways of living plus having brother in laws means constantly being in hijab and just not pleasant. Just not worth it.

    It's only when you have your own home with just you your husband and children alhamdulillah that you realise how awful the situation truly was.
    82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

  15. #54
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    ok talking about different things then,

    however brothers need to be clear on this stuff before hand it's an expectation, so she's not going into it blind, and even then she has a right to demand her own housing later on if she feels unhappy with the situation
    Of course

  16. #55
    Senior Member neelu's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    Quote Originally Posted by Rifqah View Post


    For the sisters who live in this situation with in-laws:

    How common is this expectation to live with in-laws?

    What is the deal regarding privacy? Conversations and disagreements overheard - do the family get involved or do they mostly leave the couple to their own business.

    If the blended living is permanent then what happens when children come along? If the mothers (mother of the children) decision respected or over ruled by the children's grandmother or aunties?

    What about cooking for your husband? Or what if you have to eat different food because you can't have spicy food every day?

    What about romance? (Generally)

    What about your day generally, if you have projects or work from home and you're busy, you can go about your day or you have to be told what to do as it's not your house but someone else's?

    What about hijab and niqab, do you keep them on or off in the house?
    Wswrwb,


    I'm not married so don't live with in laws, but I can tell you this expectation to live with in laws is very very common among Muslims particularly those from the subcontinent. It's not just an issue for reverts or Muslims from other backgrounds, it's often an issue for Asian Muslimas who yearn for some basic privacy. I'll tell you an interesting story on this; my brother's friend (who has sisters but he's the only son in his family) told my brother that he either has to live under the same roof as his parents OR the ONLY other option is to find a job abroad and live independently that way. He did not have the option to simply move out of his parents home and live in the same town as them as this would've been considered scandalous that he's "abandoned his elderly parents". It sounds odd and you'd think they'd appreciate him wanting to live nearby but actually they're more likely to be accepting of him saying "It's my job, I have to go abroad".

    Privacy: It's unusual to come across parents who allow their daughter in law some privacy when she lives in their house. If they're really considerate parents then they'll accommodate the couple but what is more common is that the couple have their own bedroom (not necessarily with a lock on it) and that's it. It's also more common to interfere, not always with bad intentions but sometimes the son might complain to his mum (cos' he was used to telling his mum everything before marriage without consequences) that his wife nagged him the other day about picking up dirty socks from the floor when he was tired and just got in from work... then the mother in law's heart breaks and she feels protective and has this urge to intervene and say something and his wife becomes upset that a personal husband wife matter has now been discussed with someone else and she already finds it difficult enough adjusting to living in someone else's house with a different set of house rules etc so she'd take it at least three times more seriously than her husband expects and he scratches his head thinking it was just a passing remark, why is she upset and feeling intimidated by my mum and mum didn't say anything wrong anyway. My point is even if they aren't malicious and don't have bad intentions on either side, the potential for misunderstandings and disputes is exponentially greater compared to if the wife had her own space and privacy to manage on her own terms.

    When children come along: Elders are considered the head of the family especially if you live with them. My cousin used to live with her in laws and when she had her first child, my mum said he's a bit naughty, to which my cousin replied that if she tries to discipline him or tell him off, he runs crying to grandma who cuddles him and says "aww sweetheart don't cry" and will spoil him or give him a treat or something. This is considered normal. Some mums are very flexible about such matters if they feel that grandma is just doing it out of love and in the grand scheme of things the kid will be okay- so then they wont worry about leaving the child with grandma when they go to work or go out on their own or to meet friends (having the extended family around has some perks too). The most important thing is though that there's enough respect in the household that the parents can instill their values without kids being influenced towards getting involved in bida or other unIslamic practices and also that the elders don't assert so much authority that they decide who the grandkids get married to without allowing the actual parents to have a say (that does happen). Such blended living isn't usually permanent though. It's more common for couples to move out by the time the second child comes along or the first child is 6 years old because with more kids, the house can get too crowded.

    Cooking for the husband: If the in laws are sensible, then the wife should be expected to just take on enough responsibility to look after her husband and kids (unless in laws are ill/frail and she agrees to help with that). So that means she cooks and cleans for the husband, but she doesn't have to cook or tidy up after her BIL or SIL etc, though she can sometimes pitch in to help hoover or clean the house from time to time out of consideration to ease the MILs load, even though she doesn't have to.

    Romance: The wife at the very least has the right to have a lock on her bedroom door to allow some privacy so that she isn't interrupted if she wants to spend some quality alone time with the husband. If the in laws are considerate, they'll let the daughter in law and son go out together on their own. If they're inconsiderate, they'll make snarky remarks that she's taking their son away from them and try to prevent intimacy between them due to jealousy.

    If you have projects or work from home, then I think that's feasible if you have your own space, such as if the house is divided into flats where the couple live on one floor and the in laws live on another floor, so there's less of a likelihood of people barging in or telling her what to do and she has her own space to have her own projects or work. Otherwise if she's sharing space with other people, then the living room will have kids come home from school watching TV, the brother in law brings his mates round to watch footy after that and so on.

    If it were up to me and I had to live with in laws, I'd only wear hijab in the house if a brother in law were living in the same house (really that's the worst set up). If the household just had women and/or mahrams then I wouldn't wear hijab in the house unless unrelated male guests were visiting. I don't wear niqab anyway and I wouldn't wear abaya in the house but I'd wear appropriate home clothes such as shalwar kameez with a fleece or loose cardigan or something.

  17. #56
    be still Sirius's Avatar
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    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    it sounds terrible.

    imagine leaving the comfort of your own home to this situation.
    'And when a thing for which you ask is slow to come,
    Then know that often through delay are gifts received'
    علي الحبشي

 

 

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