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  1. #1
    061116 Rifqah's Avatar
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    Why have you left it unusually late to get married?



    Much later than others.

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    Umm Kulthoom Rumaysah~'s Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    so I can have someone to build a good relationship and family with. That's literally 90% of my reasoning. I don't have much of a vision beyond that or expectations. It's more of a wait and see what happens and deal with it then approach.
    It's this type of vagueness that I hate and it seems common. You don't know where you're going with your own life, how are you going to lead hers? where do you want your family to be? you don't know what you're doing...that's the vibe you put out. When she comes into your life, where does she fit in?

    What I was saying is, I need to know where the train is going before I jump in it. You don't want to get on a train that's not moving or be driven straight off a cliff.
    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Faith reloaded View Post
    @Simply_Logical



    Very young indeed. Did you have a job you were happy with at that age or were you slightly struggling financially?

    I didnt even get my first job until 21

    I am 22 now. 22 sounds like a proper adult age but i still feel like a little kid. I guess we mature at different rates. I also play on my playstation a lotta time.

    If you saw me irl, youíd think Iím in my mid-to-late teens
    Burn that PS it's what preventing u from marrying.
    I would turn down every man if I knew he played on his playstation. In my house, only gaming pc:s are allowed. No consoles.
    end of discussion. Now we know why men cannot marry early

  4. #83
    Umm Kulthoom Rumaysah~'s Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    When you say invested and development could you elaborate
    Like what do you want someone to bring to the table
    Development as in bettering yourself in all aspects of life, whether it's gaining new skills, learning new things, working on your health, your worship, your knowledge of islam, your social life, doing something for islam etc

    Investment means something specific to me but I made it general on purpose. It doesn't have to be financial all the time. He can invest his time, his resources, he can be willing to make a few sacrifices for her benefit, it can be through words etc, invest in her interests as long as it's halal. Don't make her entire life revolve around the kitchen. If her interests are deen related it's even more important.
    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

  5. #84
    Gender: Male oshirowanen's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rifqah View Post


    Much later than others.
    Can't find a decent person.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    Eh not wanting to be rude but yeah pretty certain she'd reject you at this point. I would too if someone with the same traits came to ask about one of my daughters in a few years time. You can disagree, but if someone came with such a lack of ambition in life then yeah politely show him the door, it's a big character rejection point for me.

    So I don't disagree with her, I work in a call centre which is about 50% Muslim at least, mostly young people and the males here have little substance, no interest or sometimes even awareness of what it takes to become and act like a man.
    Meh most girls, for better or worse, are nothing like her. And I don't get it I never said I wasn't ambitious. I do have plans for my fitness, career and deen in my own life and yes I'd want her to be somewhat certain what she wants out of hers too so I can adequately support it. But all this he needs to have a detailed vision of what our family would look like isn't going to fly with even the ambitious guys. It's going to be trial by fire for most things and lets be real that works out for the vast vast majority of couples anyway. Like if a guy is completely non ambitious I can understand why a girl would be turned off. Yes I do want her to have certain skills and traits before marriage and I do prioritize those as well. There's nothing wrong with that.

  7. #86
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    Development as in bettering yourself in all aspects of life, whether it's gaining new skills, learning new things, working on your health, your worship, your knowledge of islam, your social life, doing something for islam etc

    Investment means something specific to me but I made it general on purpose. It doesn't have to be financial all the time. He can invest his time, his resources, he can be willing to make a few sacrifices for her benefit, it can be through words etc, invest in her interests as long as it's halal. Don't make her entire life revolve around the kitchen. If her interests are deen related it's even more important.
    I understand what you're saying but alot of those things are implied to some degree. Did guys say no to whatever activities you wanted to do? Did they say they have no plans to go to the gym after marriage or work on their social life or deen or not gaining new skills? I don't get it a girl can ask me about how our married life will look, how much I'd be willing to help out on the household chores/cooking, what sort of social life we'll have etc. and ofc I'll give honest answers but so many things are flexible so that we can adjust to each other and our expectations.. Realistically I can plan til my heart's content but actual marriage may result in different plans being drastically adjusted. I would hope that the vast majority of guys you rejected weren't rejected simply because they "seemed" unambitious or didn't have life plans.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sister_2009 View Post
    Iím really feeling you on this. I had a difficult time feeling like I had anything to gain. I mean, if heís just going to provide money/house/food in exchange for cooking and cleaning, I can do that for myself. Anyway, I felt that really strongly. I think men with high expectations are great; they really have the potential to push you to be great. Itís kind of hard to explain, but I understand that.

    Now, people mention women not wanting to invest in the husband, or her marrying him after heís already established. I think this varies. I know quite a few women who were with their husbands through years of school and such. Some men come already established. I met my husband after he had finished school and established a career and savings because thatís when he started looking. I invest in him now as far as supporting his sports and career. It can really be as simple as encouraging him to do more of the things that he loves or volunteering at his work if heís short on staff.

    Iím feeling the main theme here is that itís beyond cooking and cleaning, or providing food and shelter, but more about going above these very basic acts and wanting more from yourself and your spouse.
    Look I feel you on this but this destructive belief that the guy is just using his career to get a pretty maid has to end. Yes some guys are like that and should be avoided (in all honesty just getting a maid is much cheaper than a wife lol). But the vast majority of guys while prioritizing domestic abilities to some degree really do care about the person they want to marry. Marriage yes is an exchange to some degree but we do imagine our spouse being the first person we turn to in both hardship and success and building a close relationship with them. The vast majority of guys do go beyond the bare basics in supporting their wives and families, even the unambitious guys working in the call centre (mentioned by another poster) will do so (like jeez I don't get how you can look down on other people like that). I think what both you and the other poster really want is to be actively led by your husband. That your husband sets the tone in the family and works hard to accomplish things he's planned. Most guys are leaders but more passive and they defer a fair bit to the wife too. It's partially because girls have their own ambitions too and guys are just more content sitting back and supporting them.

  9. #88
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    Look I feel you on this but this destructive belief that the guy is just using his career to get a pretty maid has to end. Yes some guys are like that and should be avoided (in all honesty just getting a maid is much cheaper than a wife lol). But the vast majority of guys while prioritizing domestic abilities to some degree really do care about the person they want to marry. Marriage yes is an exchange to some degree but we do imagine our spouse being the first person we turn to in both hardship and success and building a close relationship with them. The vast majority of guys do go beyond the bare basics in supporting their wives and families, even the unambitious guys working in the call centre (mentioned by another poster) will do so (like jeez I don't get how you can look down on other people like that). I think what both you and the other poster really want is to be actively led by your husband. That your husband sets the tone in the family and works hard to accomplish things he's planned. Most guys are leaders but more passive and they defer a fair bit to the wife too. It's partially because girls have their own ambitions too and guys are just more content sitting back and supporting them.
    We’ve gone way off the mark here. I understand, it can be a confusing topic.

    I have nothing against someone wanting a pretty maid, just to be clear. Everyone can choose the life and partner that they want. I’m speaking about myself and my life, and I do understand where the sister is coming from because I have similar thoughts and have discussed this before. I’m quite sure that she doesn’t care if someone wants a pretty maid, either. Again, what we’re talking about is US.

    I didn’t set out to find someone who is content with working, coming home, and chilling all the time, maybe in front of TV or games. I’m thinking of a guy without many hobbies, without big dreams, someone who’s content thinking because his wife cooks and cleans and he pays for the house, it’s all good. I didn’t want that life. I’m an overachiever, was raised that way, enjoy it, and have no reason or desire to change. I married an overachiever. I’m not really keen on going into a list of things that we’re doing at the moment, but it’s always a big list. I prefer living big, with big goals and dreams. I don’t want to limit myself to cooking and cleaning, as I see these as bare survival necessities.

  10. #89

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    Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    If i were a girl, i would so be a pretty maid

    No brainer

    Easiest choice ever
    Last edited by Faith reloaded; 23-10-17 at 05:36 PM.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sister_2009 View Post
    Weíve gone way off the mark here. I understand, it can be a confusing topic.

    I have nothing against someone wanting a pretty maid, just to be clear. Everyone can choose the life and partner that they want. Iím speaking about myself and my life, and I do understand where the sister is coming from because I have similar thoughts and have discussed this before. Iím quite sure that she doesnít care if someone wants a pretty maid, either. Again, what weíre talking about is US.

    I didnít set out to find someone who is content with working, coming home, and chilling all the time, maybe in front of TV or games. Iím thinking of a guy without many hobbies, without big dreams, someone whoís content thinking because his wife cooks and cleans and he pays for the house, itís all good. I didnít want that life. Iím an overachiever, was raised that way, enjoy it, and have no reason or desire to change. I married an overachiever. Iím not really keen on going into a list of things that weíre doing at the moment, but itís always a big list. I prefer living big, with big goals and dreams. I donít want to limit myself to cooking and cleaning, as I see these as bare survival necessities.
    Ok I see your point. I didn't realize there'd be that many guys who'd be content with that. Like I can understand weekdays being busy but not having an avid social life/ being a homebody on the weekend is a no go even for me. I'm glad you married someone you click with. I frankly didn't realize that guys are so averse to doing fun things on the regular. There's a happy medium for most people where they have fun but also have plenty of time to relax and unwind if needed. I guess its important to discuss those expectations as well. To some degree I leave it open ended depending on how she wants to manage that balance. I have enough dealbreakers when it comes to looks, past relationships, that as long she isn't a homebody I'm okay.

  12. #91
    Odan Gingerbeardman's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    Meh most girls, for better or worse, are nothing like her. And I don't get it I never said I wasn't ambitious. I do have plans for my fitness, career and deen in my own life and yes I'd want her to be somewhat certain what she wants out of hers too so I can adequately support it. But all this he needs to have a detailed vision of what our family would look like isn't going to fly with even the ambitious guys. It's going to be trial by fire for most things and lets be real that works out for the vast vast majority of couples anyway. Like if a guy is completely non ambitious I can understand why a girl would be turned off. Yes I do want her to have certain skills and traits before marriage and I do prioritize those as well. There's nothing wrong with that.
    ok let me give you examples, as someone who has acted as the wali for sisters with no wali who have approached the masjid I work from in the past, these are questions I took from others and used myself when looking for a spouse.

    I ask whether they practice, then I ask where they feel they need to improve and what plans they have made to do so.
    I ask them about their character, and where they feel they need to improve, and plans for that.
    I ask them if they study, both in the deen and dunya, and what they are intending on doing this for the future.
    I ask them if they are poor how they plan to achieve financial stability.
    I ask them if they are rich what they plan to do with that wealth in terms of helping their family and the wider ummah.
    I ask them if they want to stay in the UK or would consider hijrah if it became required and what conditions it would take for them to feel it was required.
    If they have kids I ask them how they are raising them, or if not what they plan with to do with their future children what options would they consider for their education and upbringing.
    I ask where they see themselves in 5 or 10 years time. I don't mean detailed plans, I mean their vision.

    This might seem like a lot to you, but these are things you as a Muslim should be considering and if you are not, why not?
    and I wouldn't act as a wali for anyone and give them less than I would give my daughters in terms of helping them find the right spouse.
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    Kintsukuroi RaNdOm's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    ok let me give you examples, as someone who has acted as the wali for sisters with no wali who have approached the masjid I work from in the past, these are questions I took from others and used myself when looking for a spouse.

    I ask whether they practice, then I ask where they feel they need to improve and what plans they have made to do so.
    I ask them about their character, and where they feel they need to improve, and plans for that.
    I ask them if they study, both in the deen and dunya, and what they are intending on doing this for the future.
    I ask them if they are poor how they plan to achieve financial stability.
    I ask them if they are rich what they plan to do with that wealth in terms of helping their family and the wider ummah.
    I ask them if they want to stay in the UK or would consider hijrah if it became required and what conditions it would take for them to feel it was required.
    If they have kids I ask them how they are raising them, or if not what they plan with to do with their future children what options would they consider for their education and upbringing.
    I ask where they see themselves in 5 or 10 years time. I don't mean detailed plans, I mean their vision.

    This might seem like a lot to you, but these are things you as a Muslim should be considering and if you are not, why not?
    and I wouldn't act as a wali for anyone and give them less than I would give my daughters in terms of helping them find the right spouse.
    This made my breathing weird
    ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
    "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
    [Al-Imran 3:159]

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by RaNdOm View Post
    This made my breathing weird
    "Don't listen to any of these people."

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    ok let me give you examples, as someone who has acted as the wali for sisters with no wali who have approached the masjid I work from in the past, these are questions I took from others and used myself when looking for a spouse.

    I ask whether they practice, then I ask where they feel they need to improve and what plans they have made to do so.
    I ask them about their character, and where they feel they need to improve, and plans for that.
    I ask them if they study, both in the deen and dunya, and what they are intending on doing this for the future.
    I ask them if they are poor how they plan to achieve financial stability.
    I ask them if they are rich what they plan to do with that wealth in terms of helping their family and the wider ummah.
    I ask them if they want to stay in the UK or would consider hijrah if it became required and what conditions it would take for them to feel it was required.
    If they have kids I ask them how they are raising them, or if not what they plan with to do with their future children what options would they consider for their education and upbringing.
    I ask where they see themselves in 5 or 10 years time. I don't mean detailed plans, I mean their vision.

    This might seem like a lot to you, but these are things you as a Muslim should be considering and if you are not, why not?
    and I wouldn't act as a wali for anyone and give them less than I would give my daughters in terms of helping them find the right spouse.
    On the flip side what sort of questions do you put to the sisters that want representing? To a large extent I would have thought the above list would be applicable to them too. I mean it's a fine balancing act because you want to create a good match and that requires looking out for both sides.

  16. #95
    Its fine, take a 38mm noobz's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    ok let me give you examples, as someone who has acted as the wali for sisters with no wali who have approached the masjid I work from in the past, these are questions I took from others and used myself when looking for a spouse.

    I ask whether they practice, then I ask where they feel they need to improve and what plans they have made to do so.
    I ask them about their character, and where they feel they need to improve, and plans for that.
    I ask them if they study, both in the deen and dunya, and what they are intending on doing this for the future.
    I ask them if they are poor how they plan to achieve financial stability.
    I ask them if they are rich what they plan to do with that wealth in terms of helping their family and the wider ummah.
    I ask them if they want to stay in the UK or would consider hijrah if it became required and what conditions it would take for them to feel it was required.
    If they have kids I ask them how they are raising them, or if not what they plan with to do with their future children what options would they consider for their education and upbringing.
    I ask where they see themselves in 5 or 10 years time. I don't mean detailed plans, I mean their vision.

    This might seem like a lot to you, but these are things you as a Muslim should be considering and if you are not, why not?
    and I wouldn't act as a wali for anyone and give them less than I would give my daughters in terms of helping them find the right spouse.
    those are the same questions people get when they apply for a job at nestle.




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    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    Development as in bettering yourself in all aspects of life, whether it's gaining new skills, learning new things, working on your health, your worship, your knowledge of islam, your social life, doing something for islam etc

    Investment means something specific to me but I made it general on purpose. It doesn't have to be financial all the time. He can invest his time, his resources, he can be willing to make a few sacrifices for her benefit, it can be through words etc, invest in her interests as long as it's halal. Don't make her entire life revolve around the kitchen. If her interests are deen related it's even more important.
    In terms of development if you was to get married to a righteous brother im sure most would be trying to seek knowledge in terms of islam ibadah and social aspects as they all revolve around islam

    In terms of investment he wouldnt know unless you told him about what you would want to do in terms of studies jobs or whatever opportunities most guys wouldnt go to a marriage interview asking her whether shes gonna study this 6 week course with him lol
    So it would be up to u to propose the idea and then up to him to say yes or no on the possibility of trying to invest in whatever it is

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    ok let me give you examples, as someone who has acted as the wali for sisters with no wali who have approached the masjid I work from in the past, these are questions I took from others and used myself when looking for a spouse.

    I ask whether they practice, then I ask where they feel they need to improve and what plans they have made to do so.
    I ask them about their character, and where they feel they need to improve, and plans for that.
    I ask them if they study, both in the deen and dunya, and what they are intending on doing this for the future.
    I ask them if they are poor how they plan to achieve financial stability.
    I ask them if they are rich what they plan to do with that wealth in terms of helping their family and the wider ummah.
    I ask them if they want to stay in the UK or would consider hijrah if it became required and what conditions it would take for them to feel it was required.
    If they have kids I ask them how they are raising them, or if not what they plan with to do with their future children what options would they consider for their education and upbringing.
    I ask where they see themselves in 5 or 10 years time. I don't mean detailed plans, I mean their vision.

    This might seem like a lot to you, but these are things you as a Muslim should be considering and if you are not, why not?
    and I wouldn't act as a wali for anyone and give them less than I would give my daughters in terms of helping them find the right spouse.
    Alhamdullilah u sound like a good wali
    Except from when you said something aggressive about someone who tries marrying your daughter on another thread that was intimidating

    Well i think i can answer most of them questions so inshAllah my train of thought is ok

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    Odan Gingerbeardman's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    Alhamdullilah u sound like a good wali
    Except from when you said something aggressive about someone who tries marrying your daughter on another thread that was intimidating

    Well i think i can answer most of them questions so inshAllah my train of thought is ok
    I said that because it is honestly how I would feel, but overcoming that feeling or other irrational feelings is from the struggles we all face as Muslims, purifying our hearts is not just for the sufis
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    Odan Gingerbeardman's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by noobz View Post
    those are the same questions people get when they apply for a job at nestle.
    Yeah but they also murder babies as well and I don't do that so not quite the same.
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    I said that because it is honestly how I would feel, but overcoming that feeling or other irrational feelings is from the struggles we all face as Muslims, purifying our hearts is not just for the sufis
    Im sure all fathers would feel protective as
    Umar ibn khatab said Marriage is slavery, so be careful with regard to whom you give your daughter for enslavement.”

    Just dont interrogate the guy till hes sweating
    Lol sufis

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sister_2009 View Post
    We’ve gone way off the mark here. I understand, it can be a confusing topic.

    I have nothing against someone wanting a pretty maid, just to be clear. Everyone can choose the life and partner that they want. I’m speaking about myself and my life, and I do understand where the sister is coming from because I have similar thoughts and have discussed this before. I’m quite sure that she doesn’t care if someone wants a pretty maid, either. Again, what we’re talking about is US.

    I didn’t set out to find someone who is content with working, coming home, and chilling all the time, maybe in front of TV or games. I’m thinking of a guy without many hobbies, without big dreams, someone who’s content thinking because his wife cooks and cleans and he pays for the house, it’s all good. I didn’t want that life. I’m an overachiever, was raised that way, enjoy it, and have no reason or desire to change. I married an overachiever. I’m not really keen on going into a list of things that we’re doing at the moment, but it’s always a big list. I prefer living big, with big goals and dreams. I don’t want to limit myself to cooking and cleaning, as I see these as bare survival necessities.
    Good to hear.
    But there are not many sisters like that.
    Most are content with a routine life and a social circle to hang it with.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    If thats the case, why dont you guys marry each other then?

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Snippets View Post
    Good to hear.
    But there are not many sisters like that.
    Most are content with a routine life and a social circle to hang it with.
    And that’s okay, too. The Ummah is vast, and there are enough personalities out there for everyone to find a match.

  25. #104
    Senior Member neelu's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    wswrwbI didn't leave it late. I met my first rishta before I'd even graduated and had been looking on and off ever since. I just never found anyone that worked out. I met some guys over the years, some of them I felt were unsuitable and turned down whilst others thought I was unsuitable and turned me down, either way I just never found anyone with whom it worked out and now at this stage of my life, I have my doubts that I ever will.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by neelu View Post
    wswrwbI didn't leave it late. I met my first rishta before I'd even graduated and had been looking on and off ever since. I just never found anyone that worked out. I met some guys over the years, some of them I felt were unsuitable and turned down whilst others thought I was unsuitable and turned me down, either way I just never found anyone with whom it worked out and now at this stage of my life, I have my doubts that I ever will.
    I guess sometimes it takes time and doesn't happen straight away. Really I'm only 24, so the original question doesn't apply to me. Late for me would be like 29 or 30 and unusually late would be 35. I'm pretty much just waiting to be more financially settled before I begin looking. I hope you find a person who's suitable for you, I know the cultural pressure increases but trust me plenty of guys are still looking.

  27. #106
    I wonder Ya'sin's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    I didn't leave it late

    I started my own search

    Finished college thought > next exam to sit for is marriage (saw it as a next to do list and was clueless about the corruption out there, I was innocent but thought I was helping my parents) so better crack on knowing well that our community has a problem with older brides so I joined online and voila.

    After many years of rejection the search ended.

    My parents were chilled at first. I think my search started at 22. I joined single muslims.

    That was an eye opener ewww

    Glad I got married late. The pressure and the stress that came with it were overwhelming. Horrific. Apart from that every day of my single life was wonderful. Lol

    Alhamdullilah
    Last edited by Ya'sin; 24-10-17 at 08:15 PM.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Kintsukuroi RaNdOm's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by neelu View Post
    wswrwbI didn't leave it late. I met my first rishta before I'd even graduated and had been looking on and off ever since. I just never found anyone that worked out. I met some guys over the years, some of them I felt were unsuitable and turned down whilst others thought I was unsuitable and turned me down, either way I just never found anyone with whom it worked out and now at this stage of my life, I have my doubts that I ever will.
    Allah swt is al Fattah

    May He open such a beautiful way for you, just like He has opened ways for the prophets to have kingdoms, may your rizq in every aspect increase and may you cry tears of gratitude after tears for your patience ameen
    ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
    "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
    [Al-Imran 3:159]

  29. #108
    Umm Kulthoom Rumaysah~'s Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    In terms of development if you was to get married to a righteous brother im sure most would be trying to seek knowledge in terms of islam ibadah and social aspects as they all revolve around islam

    In terms of investment he wouldnt know unless you told him about what you would want to do in terms of studies jobs or whatever opportunities most guys wouldnt go to a marriage interview asking her whether shes gonna study this 6 week course with him lol
    So it would be up to u to propose the idea and then up to him to say yes or no on the possibility of trying to invest in whatever it is
    Of course
    but that usually doesn't/won't go well
    When they know what I'm about from the get go I prefer they mention these things themselves, when they don't it already says a lot about their mentality, or it shows that they made some assumptions which I can't really blame them for depending on who in the family they spoke to.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    I remember two cases, in the first, he was looking for someone to take care of the home and all the other typical things. He was ambitious and very active, young yet an imam of a large masjid. His future plans were vague though. I didn't know what I was walking into, his reasons were shallow, he only cared about looks, housework, niqab, staying at home etc (someone should direct him to ummah). The things I wanted to do for myself were kind of brushed off.

    In the 2nd case, the guy himself clearly stated from the beginning what he is willing to invest into, what he expects (beyond the home) and where he's going in life. He did well in both dunya and in his deen. I knew what I would be going into. He found out what my interests were and took initiative. He knew exactly what he wanted and it was almost as if he knew exactly what I wanted without ever having spoken to me. All I had to do was take it or leave it. The only explanation I have is that I must have been so put off by the first that I declined the second too lol.

    After these two, no one takes me seriously anymore...
    hmm
    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

  30. #109
    On A Hired Plane of Logic LailaTheMuslim's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    It is quite complicated but I guess the reason why I am not married at my age, is because : I'm still quite young and in my culture it's OK to wait. Also - my upbringing has played a significant part in my thoughts on marriage.

    Both my parents are university educated and I was raised by my mother only, who always emphasized independence to me and self-development values since I was a young girl basically. I wasn't allowed to talk to boys. Not just because of religious reasons but having a boyfriend somehow equated to academic failure to my mother. For her, it was only possible to get married after you had a career and degree, and that was when you also become a proper adult.

    Also my mother was extremely independent at my age, left her little town in Somalia to attend university without help from parents and she has basically instilled this go-it-alone into me over the years.

    Fair enough, that type of thinking has made me very introverted and remote from others. But in the long run this is even good for my religion. To not depend on people - and only relying on Allah swt.

    I'm only interested in marriage to help with my loneliness. I don't really care about his wealth but his personality.
    وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

    And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


    أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

    Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


    Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

    Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

  31. #110
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    Of course
    but that usually doesn't/won't go well
    When they know what I'm about from the get go I prefer they mention these things themselves, when they don't it already says a lot about their mentality, or it shows that they made some assumptions which I can't really blame them for depending on who in the family they spoke to.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    I remember two cases, in the first, he was looking for someone to take care of the home and all the other typical things. He was ambitious and very active, young yet an imam of a large masjid. His future plans were vague though. I didn't know what I was walking into, his reasons were shallow, he only cared about looks, housework, niqab, staying at home etc (someone should direct him to ummah). The things I wanted to do for myself were kind of brushed off.

    In the 2nd case, the guy himself clearly stated from the beginning what he is willing to invest into, what he expects (beyond the home) and where he's going in life. He did well in both dunya and in his deen. I knew what I would be going into. He found out what my interests were and took initiative. He knew exactly what he wanted and it was almost as if he knew exactly what I wanted without ever having spoken to me. All I had to do was take it or leave it. The only explanation I have is that I must have been so put off by the first that I declined the second too lol.

    After these two, no one takes me seriously anymore...
    hmm
    Your examples sound like a business pitch lol
    Its like your gonna make some business or something hes gonna invest in me and then we are gonna take over the world

    U know it could be the case that people are nervous and have a 100 questions already so they didnt think of what you wanted them to say.

    I would advice asking your questions in regards to your interests of investment and development that way they will answer
    If your not already doing that

    I get why people dont take you seriously its coz u denied good guys lol

    What are your future plans you make it sound so expensive and exquisite lol

  32. #111
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    I get the feeling that some have left it late because they said no when they really should have said yes. Does anyone have any regrets?

  33. #112
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    Your examples sound like a business pitch lol
    Its like your gonna make some business or something hes gonna invest in me and then we are gonna take over the world

    U know it could be the case that people are nervous and have a 100 questions already so they didnt think of what you wanted them to say.

    I would advice asking your questions in regards to your interests of investment and development that way they will answer
    If your not already doing that

    I get why people dont take you seriously its coz u denied good guys lol

    What are your future plans you make it sound so expensive and exquisite lol
    It's like 'the dragon's den' in real life...
    there's the panel and then the person coming in with the ideas/ business proposal, except that the victim coming in has to invest into the panel and accept their ideas instead of the other way round. The 'future plans' are part of confidential information that only panellists and I reveal. What does the victim get at the end of it all apart from tougher skin? I don't really know, a wife? she might be a loss more than a profit though. That's a risk the victim decides whether take or not.

    But because I'm such a nice person I don't victimise candidates, I actively fight against the victimisation and oppression of innocent people by telling them "you don't want to deal with what's coming so be on your way" when I see that they are weak in areas where the panel will stab them. Prevention is better than cure. If the individual makes it into the den and to the panel, I can't be held responsible for the victim's financial, emotional and spiritual death or physical injury.
    I should get a medal or something, I've saved lives, wallets and bones
    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

  34. #113
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Too much now
    I dont ever want to be in a meeting like that my mind will die

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    It's like 'the dragon's den' in real life...
    there's the panel and then the person coming in with the ideas/ business proposal, except that the victim coming in has to invest into the panel and accept their ideas instead of the other way round. The 'future plans' are part of confidential information that only panellists and I reveal. What does the victim get at the end of it all apart from tougher skin? I don't really know, a wife? she might be a loss more than a profit though. That's a risk the victim decides whether take or not.

    But because I'm such a nice person I don't victimise candidates, I actively fight against the victimisation and oppression of innocent people by telling them "you don't want to deal with what's coming so be on your way" when I see that they are weak in areas where the panel will stab them. Prevention is better than cure. If the individual makes it into the den and to the panel, I can't be held responsible for the victim's financial, emotional and spiritual death or physical injury.
    I should get a medal or something, I've saved lives, wallets and bones
    lol Get a medal for rejecting some candidates who would've made perfectly great partners. No wonder people don't take you seriously any more. It's understandably to have different prospects not work out for various reasons but when you reject prospects who don't have major faults then people ofc become wary of you. Why should they put forward a proposal if their loved one is likely to be rejected. Word does spread about how picky certain girls and they're avoided by alot of parents (Picky guys face a stigma too though not as severe). Honestly at the end of the day its the girl who suffers for her decisions. Guys who might be accepted by her would think hey why should she even accept me and marry other girls instead.

  36. #115
    Umm Kulthoom Rumaysah~'s Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    talk about taking things literally
    it went right over your heads
    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

  37. #116
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    talk about taking things literally
    it went right over your heads
    Who you calling short?

  38. #117
    A word to the wise Jade Vine's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Actually, my plan was like....never. But he tricked me

  39. #118
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    talk about taking things literally
    it went right over your heads
    What did

  40. #119
    Umm Kulthoom Rumaysah~'s Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    Who you calling short?
    All of you
    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    I think Rumaysah does deserve a medal for not inflicting herself on some poor chap just for the sake of being married. She clearly sees marriage as a means to a specific end, and while we may find it cold and calculating, at least she is clear and aware of not ending up in a situation of resentment, so all the Somali guys can breath easy at having dodged that particular bullet. A loving and caring companion is what most guys want, not a user.
    Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worldís ending!

    None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.Ē

 

 

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