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  1. #1
    061116 Rifqah's Avatar
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    Why have you left it unusually late to get married?



    Much later than others.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Career

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    اصبر aynina's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Wa aleiykum salaam


    Also, why do you guys wait to do the nikah like 2 years after saying yes to a guy
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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    Wanderer Stoic Believer's Avatar
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    Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Takes time to build financial stability.

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    Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Unusually late would be like 35+ tbh

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    Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    no job

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by aynina View Post
    Wa aleiykum salaam


    Also, why do you guys wait to do the nikah like 2 years after saying yes to a guy
    Like all things, it is a cultural thing.

    Also, 2 years is much longer than 'usual', as the norm in some cultures is 6 months to 1 year.

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    اصبر aynina's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by horizon View Post
    Like all things, it is a cultural thing.

    Also, 2 years is much longer than 'usual', as the norm in some cultures is 6 months to 1 year.
    Still its a lot, whats the use of waiting a year... postponing isnt a good thing
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

  9. #9
    Odan Umm Uthmaan's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by aynina View Post
    Wa aleiykum salaam


    Also, why do you guys wait to do the nikah like 2 years after saying yes to a guy
    Huh?
    رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

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    اصبر aynina's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Umm Uthmaan View Post
    Huh?
    What?
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

  11. #11
    Odan Umm Uthmaan's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by aynina View Post
    What?
    No comprendo
    رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

  12. #12
    اصبر aynina's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Umm Uthmaan View Post
    No comprendo
    That many ppl say yes to a potential and then wait 1-2 years to do the actual nikah
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

  13. #13
    Odan Umm Uthmaan's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by aynina View Post
    That many ppl say yes to a potential and then wait 1-2 years to do the actual nikah
    Oh., yh that doesn’t make sense unless something is preventing them from finalizing the nikah.
    رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by aynina View Post
    Still its a lot, whats the use of waiting a year... postponing isnt a good thing
    Sometimes the reasoning (waiting some months) is required. South Asians (and maybe other cultures too) have big walimas (feeding 400+ people) and so it takes time to get the appropriate venue, etc.

    However, unnecessary delay is wrong and perhaps it may be better to perform the nikaah as soon as possible and then have the walima at some in the future. Although I don't think waiting a few months is that bad either, as it allows both the husband and wife to get their affairs in order, etc.

  15. #15
    اصبر aynina's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Umm Uthmaan View Post
    Oh., yh that doesn’t make sense unless something is preventing them from finalizing the nikah.
    Yea but what could possibly prevent
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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    اصبر aynina's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by horizon View Post
    Sometimes the reasoning (waiting some months) is required. South Asians (and maybe other cultures too) have big walimas (feeding 400+ people) and so it takes time to get the appropriate venue, etc.

    However, unnecessary delay is wrong and perhaps it may be better to perform the nikaah as soon as possible and then have the walima at some in the future. Although I don't think waiting a few months is that bad either, as it allows both the husband and wife to get their affairs in order, etc.
    Exactly... the big walimas arent even my thing tbh
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

  17. #17
    Odan Umm Uthmaan's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by aynina View Post
    Yea but what could possibly prevent
    Maybe it’s has to do with personal circumstances that prevents them wAllahu A’lam..
    رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

  18. #18
    Senior Member MuslimThinker's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    right moment right time

  19. #19
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by horizon View Post
    Sometimes the reasoning (waiting some months) is required. South Asians (and maybe other cultures too) have big walimas (feeding 400+ people) and so it takes time to get the appropriate venue, etc.

    However, unnecessary delay is wrong and perhaps it may be better to perform the nikaah as soon as possible and then have the walima at some in the future. Although I don't think waiting a few months is that bad either, as it allows both the husband and wife to get their affairs in order, etc.
    Extravagent weddings are not in the sunnah and lose the opportunity of baraka not to mention the amount of money u waste on one day when u could spend it on ur wife and family

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Haven't yet. In fact, I think it would still be relatively early.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rifqah View Post


    Much later than others.


    They think better is just round the corner.
    Or want to study
    Or want to save up
    Or want to live a little (marriage is seen as the end for some)
    Or they ain't ready
    Or are looking but it ain't happening
    Or...

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Too shy to ask for it.

  23. #23
    I wonder Ya'sin's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    I didn't have to, it just didn't work out
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

  24. #24
    Senior Member Juwairiyyah's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    How late is unusually late?

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Though a man loses a little of his looks, as well as health with age, he gains in knowledge, wisdom, character, practice of the deen, status in the community, career, earning potential, power, property, in fact nearly everything considered desirable for marriage.

    A woman on the other hand... well yes men value knowledge, wisdom, character, practice of the deen, all of which get better on women with age all the rest of the stuff she tends to lose when getting married anyway, and it's a fact that men appreciate the looks of women as they get older much less than women appreciate the looks of men as they get older.

    Look I know it's seems an unfair system, but a lot of it is hardwired biology and we need to stop lying to women and telling them they can have it all when they are young and it's easier for them to marry, it's just not possible to have it all because by the time they realize it for themselves they are already potentially in trouble.

    I am saving my ammo on this topic, as writing a related article for the blog in the next few days as feel it's an important topic and the Muslims in the west have been ignoring it far too long much to the detriment of society and the sisters involved.
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    creepy girl
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    Though a man loses a little of his looks, as well as health with age, he gains in knowledge, wisdom, character, practice of the deen, status in the community, career, earning potential, power, property, in fact nearly everything considered desirable for marriage.

    A woman on the other hand... well yes men value knowledge, wisdom, character, practice of the deen, all of which get better on women with age all the rest of the stuff she tends to lose when getting married anyway, and it's a fact that men appreciate the looks of women as they get older much less than women appreciate the looks of men as they get older.

    Look I know it's seems an unfair system, but a lot of it is hardwired biology and we need to stop lying to women and telling them they can have it all when they are young and it's easier for them to marry, it's just not possible to have it all because by the time they realize it for themselves they are already potentially in trouble.

    I am saving my ammo on this topic, as writing a related article for the blog in the next few days as feel it's an important topic and the Muslims in the west have been ignoring it far too long much to the detriment of society and the sisters involved.
    There are men who don't care about looks, alhamdulillah.

    Yes, some women can have it all if Allah wills.

  27. #27
    Please do not 'Rep'. Jzk. Fakhri's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by nudgetheputri View Post
    Too shy to ask for it.
    Can it not be asked for or suggested on behalf of sister by someone else, if that's the case?
    LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
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  28. #28
    Odan Gingerbeardman's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by DaughterOfAdam View Post
    There are men who don't care about looks, alhamdulillah.

    Yes, some women can have it all if Allah wills.
    yes some men.

    and yes some women do manage to juggle all of these different commitments successfully, but they are a small tiny minority, and we should not give general advise towards sisters on what the vast majority of them will not be capable of achieving.
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  29. #29
    creepy girl
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    yes some men.

    and yes some women do manage to juggle all of these different commitments successfully, but they are a small tiny minority, and we should not give general advise towards sisters on what the vast majority of them will not be capable of achieving.
    How do you know vast majority are not capable?

    Were you suggesting that as a woman grows older, she becomes more unattractive and it becomes harder to marry? If so, I don't think that's helpful to say because why fill someone with hopelessness when Allah is in charge of success?

    If he wants, he can destine for a wrinkly old lady to marry a great guy and no one can change that.

    Also, I think it's good if a woman's looks deters shallow guys, as the more intelligent men don't care as much about looks. Just saying.

  30. #30
    Odan Gingerbeardman's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by DaughterOfAdam View Post
    How do you know vast majority are not capable?

    Were you suggesting that as a woman grows older, she becomes more unattractive and it becomes harder to marry? If so, I don't think that's helpful to say because why fill someone with hopelessness when Allah is in charge of success?

    If he wants, he can destine for a wrinkly old lady to marry a great guy and no one can change that.

    Also, I think it's good if a woman's looks deters shallow guys, as the more intelligent men don't care as much about looks. Just saying.
    I was more referencing the lie told to sisters they can devote themselves to a career, give it the time it needs to mature and find satisfaction in that, whilst at the same time doing the same for marriage and children.
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    Odan
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Juwairiyyah View Post
    How late is unusually late?
    Probably early 30s

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    Though a man loses a little of his looks, as well as health with age, he gains in knowledge, wisdom, character, practice of the deen, status in the community, career, earning potential, power, property, in fact nearly everything considered desirable for marriage.

    A woman on the other hand... well yes men value knowledge, wisdom, character, practice of the deen, all of which get better on women with age all the rest of the stuff she tends to lose when getting married anyway, and it's a fact that men appreciate the looks of women as they get older much less than women appreciate the looks of men as they get older.

    Look I know it's seems an unfair system, but a lot of it is hardwired biology and we need to stop lying to women and telling them they can have it all when they are young and it's easier for them to marry, it's just not possible to have it all because by the time they realize it for themselves they are already potentially in trouble.

    I am saving my ammo on this topic, as writing a related article for the blog in the next few days as feel it's an important topic and the Muslims in the west have been ignoring it far too long much to the detriment of society and the sisters involved.
    I think with many south asian families because a lot of them side too much about the "culture" the females in the family i.e. the mother, elder aunties etc have the rough end of the stick. They see themselves stuck in the kitchen and not get the TLC that they would expect from a husband. So it's them that are telling their daughters and nieces to get a education and get a career so that you don't have to have a husband bossing you around like we have had to endure.

    That's why you have households with young sisters doing very little around the house, disrespecting the father and generally going down an alternative path. They have been given the license by those closest to them and are getting the wrong message. It's a short sighted view and one that will have repercussions within the next generation or so.

    (It's what I've noted with many south asians, I'm not suggesting this is the norm but it's happening alot)

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
    Though a man loses a little of his looks, as well as health with age, he gains in knowledge, wisdom, character, practice of the deen, status in the community, career, earning potential, power, property, in fact nearly everything considered desirable for marriage.

    A woman on the other hand... well yes men value knowledge, wisdom, character, practice of the deen, all of which get better on women with age all the rest of the stuff she tends to lose when getting married anyway, and it's a fact that men appreciate the looks of women as they get older much less than women appreciate the looks of men as they get older.

    Look I know it's seems an unfair system, but a lot of it is hardwired biology and we need to stop lying to women and telling them they can have it all when they are young and it's easier for them to marry, it's just not possible to have it all because by the time they realize it for themselves they are already potentially in trouble.

    I am saving my ammo on this topic, as writing a related article for the blog in the next few days as feel it's an important topic and the Muslims in the west have been ignoring it far too long much to the detriment of society and the sisters involved.
    You do raise good points.
    BUT!!!
    How wise it is for sisters to pin their hopes that they will find a man who will bring to their life all that is required.
    How many such men are out there and how many of them will find those sisters are indeed compatible with them or vice versa?
    This seems too much of a risk to take.

  34. #34
    Abu-Tawheed Saif-Uddin's Avatar
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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by aynina View Post
    Wa aleiykum salaam


    Also, why do you guys wait to do the nikah like 2 years after saying yes to a guy
    I've seen this to be a major problem, as the brother and sister often think like they are married and freely chat to each other without a mahram present.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by DaughterOfAdam View Post
    How do you know vast majority are not capable?

    Were you suggesting that as a woman grows older, she becomes more unattractive and it becomes harder to marry? If so, I don't think that's helpful to say because why fill someone with hopelessness when Allah is in charge of success?

    If he wants, he can destine for a wrinkly old lady to marry a great guy and no one can change that.

    Also, I think it's good if a woman's looks deters shallow guys, as the more intelligent men don't care as much about looks. Just saying.
    It has less to do with attraction and more to do with the biological-wiring and concepts like fertility. You will even find 30-something year old women who are still physically attractive, but even they cannot find a spouse.

    A woman who is 19-22 will always be seen as more capable of bearing children than a woman of 35.

    Just like a man who is 25-29 will be seen as more financially stable than a man who is 20.

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Saif-Uddin View Post
    I've seen this to be a major problem, as the brother and sister often think like they are married and freely chat to each other without a mahram present.

    I think so many times it's akin to dating, they get to know each other, if it's good, great. Otherwise it's a cancellation of the engagement and everyone moves on easily "no harm done".

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Saif-Uddin View Post
    I've seen this to be a major problem, as the brother and sister often think like they are married and freely chat to each other without a mahram present.

    Exactly...
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    To any sister seeking a good spouse to get married to

    Don't listen to any of these people. These issues have been discussed to their core. You don't need the 'logic' man explaining to you why u are not married or what factors have an influence over you. Your decree is at the heart of this matter and don't let people weaken any good opinion of Allah swt within yourself.

    Our religion is not one that is solely based on logic as if it were then it would make more sense to wipe the bottom of your khufoof than the top during wudhu. Man will always try to find a reason or proof for some things that are unexplainable or part of divine decree. Some because it fulfils their own ego and understanding of the world and others because they are logically wired and this is there natural inclination.

    The one thing that is consistent amongst people as they grow older is that they gain more knowledge. They become more confident in their opinions and voicing them. This is why there are a lot of naysayers in the adult world and people that have lost that childlike innocence of placing trust or hope in something other than themselves.

    Yes, tie the camel and take the means. Yes, don't prioritise your life in dunya for your life in akhira. Yes, live your life seeking the pleasure of Allah swt. Cos if you do you will fear nothing but your sins. You will not worry about your situation because you know your intentions, you know your story. Outsiders will comment and some helpful, others not so much. But don't let it ever make you despondent and deter you from your good opinion of Allah swt.

    Prioritise Allah swt pleasure - if this means you will not be able to fulfil the rights of your husband because he is someone you cannot respect then what wrong is there in saving yourself from Allah swt displeasure. Marriage is not fun and games - u enter a whole new chapter of your life where the added responsibility means added accountability, so make your decision wisely. That is a right Allah swt has given you, to accept or decline a proposal.

    Adults often focus their energies and efforts on the means whilst forgetting the worship aspect when it comes to these things. The duas you make, istikhaara, anything where Allah swt remains your primary focus and you don't move a step or an inch without taking the means to check yourself and whether your actions will lead you closer to Him or further away from Him.

    Unfortunately people hide behind women seeking a career or delaying marriage for unnecessary reasons. There are many factors in play. So stick to Allah swt, ask Him anything that you want, whether it seems possible or whether it seems impossible and then always try and remain content with the outcome.
    ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
    "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
    [Al-Imran 3:159]

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    for men it is usually material reasons, i.e noone will marry him until he is in a certain financial position. it is ironic that muslims place so much importance on worldy status compared to their non muslim counterparts.

    For women it may be they have a negative view of marriage based on observations in their own communities. They may have ambitions that will be hard to fulfill while married. They may be waiting for the "perfect" man. Their families may be lax in fulfilling the responsibilities of finding a spouse for them. among others
    Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world’s ending!

    None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

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    Re: Why have you left it unusually late to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by RaNdOm View Post
    To any sister seeking a good spouse to get married to

    Don't listen to any of these people. These issues have been discussed to their core. You don't need the 'logic' man explaining to you why u are not married or what factors have an influence over you. Your decree is at the heart of this matter and don't let people weaken any good opinion of Allah swt within yourself.

    Our religion is not one that is solely based on logic as if it were then it would make more sense to wipe the bottom of your khufoof than the top during wudhu. Man will always try to find a reason or proof for some things that are unexplainable or part of divine decree. Some because it fulfils their own ego and understanding of the world and others because they are logically wired and this is there natural inclination.

    The one thing that is consistent amongst people as they grow older is that they gain more knowledge. They become more confident in their opinions and voicing them. This is why there are a lot of naysayers in the adult world and people that have lost that childlike innocence of placing trust or hope in something other than themselves.

    Yes, tie the camel and take the means. Yes, don't prioritise your life in dunya for your life in akhira. Yes, live your life seeking the pleasure of Allah swt. Cos if you do you will fear nothing but your sins. You will not worry about your situation because you know your intentions, you know your story. Outsiders will comment and some helpful, others not so much. But don't let it ever make you despondent and deter you from your good opinion of Allah swt.

    Prioritise Allah swt pleasure - if this means you will not be able to fulfil the rights of your husband because he is someone you cannot respect then what wrong is there in saving yourself from Allah swt displeasure. Marriage is not fun and games - u enter a whole new chapter of your life where the added responsibility means added accountability, so make your decision wisely. That is a right Allah swt has given you, to accept or decline a proposal.

    Adults often focus their energies and efforts on the means whilst forgetting the worship aspect when it comes to these things. The duas you make, istikhaara, anything where Allah swt remains your primary focus and you don't move a step or an inch without taking the means to check yourself and whether your actions will lead you closer to Him or further away from Him.

    Unfortunately people hide behind women seeking a career or delaying marriage for unnecessary reasons. There are many factors in play. So stick to Allah swt, ask Him anything that you want, whether it seems possible or whether it seems impossible and then always try and remain content with the outcome.
    Name some, that's what OP is asking.

 

 

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