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    What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? Help

    Assalamualaykum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh brothers and sisters,

    I have got a female best friend who is now studying abroad on a scholarship. She confided in me about her situation, and since I am also curious whether what she does is right or not, I am asking in this forum.

    Well, her family background, well she came from a kind of not so healthy family in my opinion, where the family members are not very open, especially when it comes to to money---her mother is working full-time as a businesswoman where she earns a lot of money, while her father is also working as a civil servant. The thing is, although her father is working, he claimed to have no money at all as the father said his money has been all taken in advance to help the mother's business. Then, because he does not have money, he is now working other job as a car driver at nights and weekends, but he was still not earning any since the money was used for the gasoline and other necessities (giving money to the father's sick mother and electricity). He needs money to pay for the credited car each month, thus he has been asking money from his daughter two times already now as this is the second month he has been working as a car driver. Her father does not ask money from her mother as her mother never gives money willingly to the father as she believes it is the duty of the father to give nafkah--not the other way around.

    My friend told me that she has been feeling very guilty. This is because she was doing this behind her mother's back--her mother has been telling her not to give money to her father, as to educate her father to earn for himself and the family and not rely on her. This is because the family has kind of lost trust in the father, her father has had an affair in the past, and it seemed that he is still now having some relationships with a few women. Her mother claimed that the father never gives nafkah willingly--and this seemed to be true as the father once said "Well, I wouldn't know if your mother or you need something if you don't tell". Seemed to me that the father does not have clear grasp of duty and responsibilities as a father and a husband. Well, my friend is kind of torn, whether to follow her mother's advice or be a good daughter and helps her father still, since she really cannot tell whether her father was lying or not (about the money and all). But yesterday, she told me again that it seemed to her that her father was not doing his job properly even as a car driver, as he gave up easily when there was traffic and then her father has been looking for some men who are interested in working for him as a part-time car driver--in which it will only make him not earning that much money. She also has been thinking of telling her father to just become a motorcycle driver for passengers instead of car driver, since it was a best solution for avoiding traffic, but she also has not had the heart to tell her 50-years old father that, and wondering if it would make her some kind of durhaka (unfilial) daughter. The thing is, my friend is currently having no saving at all, but she needs to save up money now knowing that she might need to fund her research for her thesis as well as for her future investments to look for jobs, and save up for marriage, etc. It just seemed to me that her father has come to rely on my friend's scholarship money (living cost) a lot, it is not only now that my friend helped her father, but a few times in the past as well since she started studying abroad.

    I am very sorry for the lengthy message, but what do you really think about this matter brothers and sisters? Is what my friend doing right in giving money to her father and let him kind of like, not working very hard. She just does not have the heart to say no to her father, and does not want to become a durhaka daughter.

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    061116 Rifqah's Avatar
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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He



    You mention that your friend gives her money when asked because she wants to help her father. She's not helping him, she's colluding with him and that's the opposite of helping him.

    On the other matters I can't comment as it's a really specific situation and you need a scholar really.

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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    Hello sister Rifqah,

    Thank you for the response. Why do you think that she is colluding with the father?
    My friend told me that she reads up articles about doing good deeds towards parents, and part of it is that if the children have excess rizq, she should gives towards parents when she knows they are in need. Hence why, I also think that she is helping him.

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    Senior Member MuslimThinker's Avatar
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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    Quote Originally Posted by 5habr View Post
    Assalamualaykum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh brothers and sisters,

    I have got a female best friend who is now studying abroad on a scholarship. She confided in me about her situation, and since I am also curious whether what she does is right or not, I am asking in this forum.

    Well, her family background, well she came from a kind of not so healthy family in my opinion, where the family members are not very open, especially when it comes to to money---her mother is working full-time as a businesswoman where she earns a lot of money, while her father is also working as a civil servant. The thing is, although her father is working, he claimed to have no money at all as the father said his money has been all taken in advance to help the mother's business. Then, because he does not have money, he is now working other job as a car driver at nights and weekends, but he was still not earning any since the money was used for the gasoline and other necessities (giving money to the father's sick mother and electricity). He needs money to pay for the credited car each month, thus he has been asking money from his daughter two times already now as this is the second month he has been working as a car driver. Her father does not ask money from her mother as her mother never gives money willingly to the father as she believes it is the duty of the father to give nafkah--not the other way around.

    My friend told me that she has been feeling very guilty. This is because she was doing this behind her mother's back--her mother has been telling her not to give money to her father, as to educate her father to earn for himself and the family and not rely on her. This is because the family has kind of lost trust in the father, her father has had an affair in the past, and it seemed that he is still now having some relationships with a few women. Her mother claimed that the father never gives nafkah willingly--and this seemed to be true as the father once said "Well, I wouldn't know if your mother or you need something if you don't tell". Seemed to me that the father does not have clear grasp of duty and responsibilities as a father and a husband. Well, my friend is kind of torn, whether to follow her mother's advice or be a good daughter and helps her father still, since she really cannot tell whether her father was lying or not (about the money and all). But yesterday, she told me again that it seemed to her that her father was not doing his job properly even as a car driver, as he gave up easily when there was traffic and then her father has been looking for some men who are interested in working for him as a part-time car driver--in which it will only make him not earning that much money. She also has been thinking of telling her father to just become a motorcycle driver for passengers instead of car driver, since it was a best solution for avoiding traffic, but she also has not had the heart to tell her 50-years old father that, and wondering if it would make her some kind of durhaka (unfilial) daughter. The thing is, my friend is currently having no saving at all, but she needs to save up money now knowing that she might need to fund her research for her thesis as well as for her future investments to look for jobs, and save up for marriage, etc. It just seemed to me that her father has come to rely on my friend's scholarship money (living cost) a lot, it is not only now that my friend helped her father, but a few times in the past as well since she started studying abroad.

    I am very sorry for the lengthy message, but what do you really think about this matter brothers and sisters? Is what my friend doing right in giving money to her father and let him kind of like, not working very hard. She just does not have the heart to say no to her father, and does not want to become a durhaka daughter.

    In my opinion, if it burdens her so much that its quite a chunk from her savings/money that she needs to spend it on her necessity, then it becomes quite the problem.
    At 1 point or another, she knew she has to stop. There is no way around it.
    Otherwise how is she going to use it for the things she need to spend?
    Yes there are other options like earning money again in the near future, but still. This is like leeching of her money.

    I dont think this is durhaka . The daughter is not forced to give her father her money. (this is her right in Islam, that's her money)
    She is currently studying, not even working yet. If working, then we can say she gives a bit of her allowance to parents, that is normal as per all working adults.


    But of course, if we say stop giving money, the father may resort to other means of getting money, which may result in undesirable things.
    So, again have to see the type of father he is. I understand if explaining to the mother may also result in undesirable outcomes. Husband wife quarrel etc.


    So as much as possible, I would advise her to find a way to explain to her father that she is unable to give him money any more.
    Use the words in such a way that it is the truth but somehow manage to avoid the situation that will lead to her giving him the money. He can't say anything then.


    If he is still adamant/stubborn etc, start to be violent etc then I think maybe she can involve other family members whom she think might help the situation, uncle aunt etc.


    I think Communication here is also important. The sister can also give advice to her own dad. "Look dad, I know... " and the conversation goes on.
    Keyword is also convince.
    I think there are other advices here, so you may wait for them also.



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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    The story doesn't make sense. I read this:

    The thing is, although her father is working, he claimed to have no money at all as the father said his money has been all taken in advance to help the mother's business.
    Then I read this:

    her mother has been telling her not to give money to her father, as to educate her father to earn for himself and the family and not rely on her.
    Then I read this:

    Her mother claimed that the father never gives nafkah willingly
    Where is the money from the fathers primary job? If he invested it into his wifes business, why is she not repatriating and supporting the household as well? There seems to be a lot of dishonesty (or lack or telling the truth) from either/both of the parents.

    ---

    And of course, something like this:

    This is because the family has kind of lost trust in the father, her father has had an affair in the past, and it seemed that he is still now having some relationships with a few women.
    Explains that there is a whole lot more going on ...

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    061116 Rifqah's Avatar
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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    Quote Originally Posted by 5habr View Post
    Hello sister Rifqah,

    Thank you for the response. Why do you think that she is colluding with the father?
    My friend told me that she reads up articles about doing good deeds towards parents, and part of it is that if the children have excess rizq, she should gives towards parents when she knows they are in need. Hence why, I also think that she is helping him.
    Because sis, it seems, as though the father needs to sort himself out. (I say "it seems" because we do not have first hand information).

    I might love my little sister and when she is hungry and asking for cake, I offer her an apple and she cries because she wants cake. My love for her would mean I would give her the cake she is asking for. If however too much cake is making her unhealthy then my love for her should not give her cake because I am not helping her at all. I am part of the reason she remains unhealthy.

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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    Quote Originally Posted by 5habr View Post
    Assalamualaykum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh brothers and sisters,

    I have got a female best friend who is now studying abroad on a scholarship. She confided in me about her situation, and since I am also curious whether what she does is right or not, I am asking in this forum.

    Well, her family background, well she came from a kind of not so healthy family in my opinion, where the family members are not very open, especially when it comes to to money---her mother is working full-time as a businesswoman where she earns a lot of money, while her father is also working as a civil servant. The thing is, although her father is working, he claimed to have no money at all as the father said his money has been all taken in advance to help the mother's business. Then, because he does not have money, he is now working other job as a car driver at nights and weekends, but he was still not earning any since the money was used for the gasoline and other necessities (giving money to the father's sick mother and electricity). He needs money to pay for the credited car each month, thus he has been asking money from his daughter two times already now as this is the second month he has been working as a car driver. Her father does not ask money from her mother as her mother never gives money willingly to the father as she believes it is the duty of the father to give nafkah--not the other way around.

    My friend told me that she has been feeling very guilty. This is because she was doing this behind her mother's back--her mother has been telling her not to give money to her father, as to educate her father to earn for himself and the family and not rely on her. This is because the family has kind of lost trust in the father, her father has had an affair in the past, and it seemed that he is still now having some relationships with a few women. Her mother claimed that the father never gives nafkah willingly--and this seemed to be true as the father once said "Well, I wouldn't know if your mother or you need something if you don't tell". Seemed to me that the father does not have clear grasp of duty and responsibilities as a father and a husband. Well, my friend is kind of torn, whether to follow her mother's advice or be a good daughter and helps her father still, since she really cannot tell whether her father was lying or not (about the money and all). But yesterday, she told me again that it seemed to her that her father was not doing his job properly even as a car driver, as he gave up easily when there was traffic and then her father has been looking for some men who are interested in working for him as a part-time car driver--in which it will only make him not earning that much money. She also has been thinking of telling her father to just become a motorcycle driver for passengers instead of car driver, since it was a best solution for avoiding traffic, but she also has not had the heart to tell her 50-years old father that, and wondering if it would make her some kind of durhaka (unfilial) daughter. The thing is, my friend is currently having no saving at all, but she needs to save up money now knowing that she might need to fund her research for her thesis as well as for her future investments to look for jobs, and save up for marriage, etc. It just seemed to me that her father has come to rely on my friend's scholarship money (living cost) a lot, it is not only now that my friend helped her father, but a few times in the past as well since she started studying abroad.

    I am very sorry for the lengthy message, but what do you really think about this matter brothers and sisters? Is what my friend doing right in giving money to her father and let him kind of like, not working very hard. She just does not have the heart to say no to her father, and does not want to become a durhaka daughter.


    It seems your father part owns the business as he has funded (or part-funded) it. Either your mother pays back the "loan" or she hands over some of the profit. That should solve the money issue.

    The "seeing other women" is a different issue altogether and is more important to resolve than the money issue.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Red Apples's Avatar
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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    Quote Originally Posted by 5habr View Post
    Assalamualaykum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh brothers and sisters,

    I have got a female best friend who is now studying abroad on a scholarship. She confided in me about her situation, and since I am also curious whether what she does is right or not, I am asking in this forum.

    Well, her family background, well she came from a kind of not so healthy family in my opinion, where the family members are not very open, especially when it comes to to money---her mother is working full-time as a businesswoman where she earns a lot of money, while her father is also working as a civil servant. The thing is, although her father is working, he claimed to have no money at all as the father said his money has been all taken in advance to help the mother's business. Then, because he does not have money, he is now working other job as a car driver at nights and weekends, but he was still not earning any since the money was used for the gasoline and other necessities (giving money to the father's sick mother and electricity). He needs money to pay for the credited car each month, thus he has been asking money from his daughter two times already now as this is the second month he has been working as a car driver. Her father does not ask money from her mother as her mother never gives money willingly to the father as she believes it is the duty of the father to give nafkah--not the other way around.

    My friend told me that she has been feeling very guilty. This is because she was doing this behind her mother's back--her mother has been telling her not to give money to her father, as to educate her father to earn for himself and the family and not rely on her. This is because the family has kind of lost trust in the father, her father has had an affair in the past, and it seemed that he is still now having some relationships with a few women. Her mother claimed that the father never gives nafkah willingly--and this seemed to be true as the father once said "Well, I wouldn't know if your mother or you need something if you don't tell". Seemed to me that the father does not have clear grasp of duty and responsibilities as a father and a husband. Well, my friend is kind of torn, whether to follow her mother's advice or be a good daughter and helps her father still, since she really cannot tell whether her father was lying or not (about the money and all). But yesterday, she told me again that it seemed to her that her father was not doing his job properly even as a car driver, as he gave up easily when there was traffic and then her father has been looking for some men who are interested in working for him as a part-time car driver--in which it will only make him not earning that much money. She also has been thinking of telling her father to just become a motorcycle driver for passengers instead of car driver, since it was a best solution for avoiding traffic, but she also has not had the heart to tell her 50-years old father that, and wondering if it would make her some kind of durhaka (unfilial) daughter. The thing is, my friend is currently having no saving at all, but she needs to save up money now knowing that she might need to fund her research for her thesis as well as for her future investments to look for jobs, and save up for marriage, etc. It just seemed to me that her father has come to rely on my friend's scholarship money (living cost) a lot, it is not only now that my friend helped her father, but a few times in the past as well since she started studying abroad.

    I am very sorry for the lengthy message, but what do you really think about this matter brothers and sisters? Is what my friend doing right in giving money to her father and let him kind of like, not working very hard. She just does not have the heart to say no to her father, and does not want to become a durhaka daughter.
    Salaam

    Firstly - The father and the possible and past affair is not relevant in the story. The confirmed affair is the past and possible affair is based on suspicion rather than fact - so you can forget those two arguments.

    The main issue is here is the father is actually investing in a business of the mother - but you said that the father cannot retract money out of that business at will....that means its actually him investing in his wifes business with no Co-ownership and taking into account he is struggling himself......well one might conclude that frankly mighty stupid of him !!!

    Thats the REAL problem here !! So the mother is accepting an input from the father but yet not giving him a kick back - Either the mother is crafty or the father has brain of a doorknob !

    All this now escalates to him eventually asking his own daughter for money - well - If Einstein didnt give the mother HIS money in the first place - that wouldnt be the case would it !

    THIS IS LIKE A TRINITY OF MT BEAN'S STUPIDITY ON ALL ACCOUNTS (pardon the pun)

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    Senior Member neelu's Avatar
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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    Walaykum salam wrwb,

    Tell your friend to stop giving money to her father. Do not give him a penny anymore. Regardless of the affair, her mother has been savvy enough to realise that he will not provide for his family and that is why she has had to earn her own rizq, provide for herself and has not been sucked into his sob stories about needing money all the time. As others have pointed out, his stories about his own money are very inconsistent which suggests that he's lying about his money being tied up in her mother's business and in the car expenses and he's just leeching off his daughter because his wife wont let him leech off her anymore. The daughter is enabling him to be even more irresponsible by paying for him. If she wants to help him as a daughter she should help him earn more rewards as a Muslim man by NOT giving him a penny so that he learns to provide for himself, or better still, provides for the family.

    If she is considering her position Islamically, then again, Islamically it is her father's job to provide for her, not the other way round. Evidences regarding the wealth of the children is mainly regarding the responsibility of sons to parents, because in Islam, men are the breadwinners, men are the protectors and maintainers of women, women are not supposed to be breadwinners for their men (unless it's an exceptional circumstance such as if the father was disabled or something).

    I do not believe for a second in any of her father's sob stories as to where his money is. He exploited his wife and now he's exploiting his daughter for every penny he can get. He has no plans to pay any of it back which is shameful already and from what the post suggests, whatever wealth he does earn has not been spent on providing for his wife and daughter again that is shameful. If anything, it is far more likely that he is spending money elsewhere; either on his mistress or on gambling because car maintenance does not cost that much that he'd need to beg his daughter time and time again for money. My didi's ex husband was a bit like this; always had a sob story ready about why he didn't have money so that he could sponge off her and then used islam as an excuse on other matters whenever it suited his selfish motives.

    She needs to follow her mother's advice and stop giving money to him. Also even the thing you said about "giving excess rizq"- she is not giving "excess", she is giving the money that is necessary for her own needs to carry out her studies, that is not excess and it's not like her father will pay her back when her own money runs out so she'll be left destitute and if she speaks to her mum, her mum will say what about your own money you were given plenty for your studies. I have no doubt in my mind that whatever money she gives her dad, it is not being spent the way he says it is being spent. It's quite likely he is spending it on some haram addiction whether it's his mistress or on gambling or some other vice that's why he hides his spending from his wife and wont provide for his family but I'm guessing he is charming and persuasive and gives great lip service so she accepts his excuses that this is only temporary and this will earn her the duas and love of her father and so she'll think that helping him will be the best thing islamically when actually he is a con man and she is just his latest target and he's taking advantage of her kindness. Only she can break the cycle. If he pleads with her again, then she should say no and if he turns nasty and accuses her of being a bad daughter she should tell her mother what's going on (not threaten to tell her mother to get him off her back, she should directly tell her).

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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    salaams to all

    even based on what we know- it seems that the intervention of some senior scholars is needed
    i suspect theres more to this story that we dont know

    i suspect that unislamic cultural habits & traditions & greed for dunya are the root cause of the situation the father finds himself in.
    if the mother earns well, why cant she help her husband- if he is an honest & straight person?

    im not even going to get into the issue of muslims sending their daughter abroad alone to study.

    and Allah ta'ala knows best
    jazakallah
    Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
    very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

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    Abu-Tawheed Saif-Uddin's Avatar
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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    Quote Originally Posted by horizon View Post
    The story doesn't make sense. I read this:



    Then I read this:



    Then I read this:



    Where is the money from the fathers primary job? If he invested it into his wifes business, why is she not repatriating and supporting the household as well? There seems to be a lot of dishonesty (or lack or telling the truth) from either/both of the parents.

    ---

    And of course, something like this:



    Explains that there is a whole lot more going on ...
    Yes multiple things not adding up,
    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

    "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

    – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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    Re: What do you think of a healthy, working Father asking money from his daughter? He

    This reminds me of a family I know where the father has gambling issue. The father is healthy and able & has had jobs most of his life. Unfortunately the family sees very little of his earning as he wastes it in gambling. The mother has been scraping by on government aids and does amazing job vegetable gardening while raising 5 kids. Now the oldest son got a job & the father wanted his paycheck because he is head of household technically. The son refused to hand over his money for obvious reason. They had lots of fight over this. The son wants to help his family but he was not going to let his father waste his money away. So instead he pays bills directly so he knows where the money is going

    so to answer OP question yes fathers in need can ask their kids for financial help but kids need to realize where the money is going. Maybe in this situation the daughter can pay certain bill so she knows her money is being used in halal way instead of help fund her fathers haram lifestyle

 

 

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