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Thread: Help - gay

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    Help - gay

    I have had sexual feelings for men since I turned 16. I have never gone out with anyone or had sex nor intend to ever. I have this secret my entire life and I have not confided in anyone.

    I recently got married to my wife. I took the islam advice to get married and that would be the cure. But my problem still exists. Whilst we get on etc. I have a stumbling block. I enjoy our kisses, hugs, time together and sometimes even when we do I even get a erection which I see as a good thing but when we finally get on to sex I can't get turned on by her...its very embarrassing and the last few times we tried I couldn't get an erection. So, I don't know what to do. I tried Viagra thinking it would make me erect and I could then have sex with her and hopefully in time grow to like her.

    I know everyone judges and says gay is wrong in Islam, that is fine that is why I got married and did the right thing. Everything else is fine, I intend to stay married forever and never have any wanting to be with a man even though that's what feels right. I won't ever do that because I know of the sin. But help me...now I've done the right thing, how can I have sex with her if she doesn't turn me on, this is very hard for me I have been emotional and crying the last few times and I can't keep making excuses to her for while we can't sleep together tonight or the next day. Advice appreciated.

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    061116 Rifqah's Avatar
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    Re: Help - gay



    I've kept an eye on this thread and see that no one has answered, that's the only reason I'm answering this in the hope that my reply gives you a little support.

    I think if she doesn't know already, then you should be honest with her. This affects her too and she might very well be upset and feeling confused like it's her fault in some way.

    Once you both can talk about this and makes some plans to work on this general area, including maybe some support from a psychosexual therapist (they might be able to help in many ways - ask your GP), a new relaxed fun-focused style might benefit you both.

    The best way to think about this is, you're both here now, you can't change how you feel (short of a miracle) and you have to find a way to work with what you're capable of and let go of the dream of things being normal between you both.

    A life of love and affection between two people isn't such a bad thing, many regular marriages don't have that and if yourself and your wife are loving and committed to each other, that's a rock solid marriage right there.

    But I believe it must begin with an open and frank discussion to see if you're both committed to working on this no matter what.

    May Allah (swt) make it easy for you both.
    Last edited by Rifqah; 14-10-17 at 03:33 AM.

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    Odan muzzybee's Avatar
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    Re: Help - gay

    Quote Originally Posted by valispatel View Post
    I have had sexual feelings for men since I turned 16. I have never gone out with anyone or had sex nor intend to ever. I have this secret my entire life and I have not confided in anyone.

    I recently got married to my wife. I took the islam advice to get married and that would be the cure. But my problem still exists. Whilst we get on etc. I have a stumbling block. I enjoy our kisses, hugs, time together and sometimes even when we do I even get a erection which I see as a good thing but when we finally get on to sex I can't get turned on by her...its very embarrassing and the last few times we tried I couldn't get an erection. So, I don't know what to do. I tried Viagra thinking it would make me erect and I could then have sex with her and hopefully in time grow to like her.

    I know everyone judges and says gay is wrong in Islam, that is fine that is why I got married and did the right thing. Everything else is fine, I intend to stay married forever and never have any wanting to be with a man even though that's what feels right. I won't ever do that because I know of the sin. But help me...now I've done the right thing, how can I have sex with her if she doesn't turn me on, this is very hard for me I have been emotional and crying the last few times and I can't keep making excuses to her for while we can't sleep together tonight or the next day. Advice appreciated.
    Bro ,try to visit a muslim counsellor or therapist who can maybe give you some advice and tips.
    Your problem is psychological it seems.

    There is something in your mind thats causing the thought process and inshaallah it will go away.

    Next time when you try to be intimate with your wife ,firstly relax ,dont stress ....take things slowly and dont eat or drink too much prior.

    Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

    **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

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    Senior Member neelu's Avatar
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    Re: Help - gay

    I don't know what gave you the impression that in Islam you're supposed to get married if you're not attracted to the opposite gender. If you're in a position to fulfil the rights of the marriage (and consummation is one of the key rights of the marriage) then marrying a woman is feasible, but when you have no attraction towards her and are trying to "force it"- that's a recipe for disaster. In my opinion guys who are gay and thereby aren't in a position to fulfil the marital right- they should remain celibate to avoid sins and shouldn't get married as it becomes an oppression for the wife for her to live a celibate life in spite of being married. Not consummating the marriage is a valid reason to file for divorce under Islamic rules.If a guy is bisexual, that's different because even though he has an attraction towards men, in some circumstances he can be attracted to women as well and this means there's a lot of potential for him to be able to carry out his marital duty. Now that you are married, there aren't any easy answers sadly. I'm not sure if the marriage is worth salvaging as I don't know enough about you two. Do you honestly believe that under the right circumstances, if the right mood is created between you and your wife, if you take your time and try not to pressure yourself too much- could there be a sex life in your marriage? Cos' if the answer is no, then I'm not sure if this marriage is worth salvaging. One of my relatives was married and then got divorced about a year later when she found out her husband was gay. I think her and her family saw it as a betrayal that why marry her in the first place if he isn't even inclined that way? She's married to someone else now.I know what I'm suggesting isn't easy because people ask questions whenever a marriage ends and families place so much pressure and expectations, but you have two choices: You either look into whatever avenues you know of that could help change your feelings and attractions and see if you can make the marriage work somehow (I have my doubts that would work cos' it sounds like that's what you've already been doing), or else you part ways cos' it's better to set your wife free to find someone else than to cause her to feel caught in a trap where she's married but not really having a proper marriage. Even if she decides to stay with you and try to have sabr, after a few years this will open the doors to temptation and zina for her because of what she's lacking in the home environment and it wouldn't be fair on her as it's her Islamic right.Make lots of dua to Allah (swt) to guide you towards the right decision and give you the strength to handle all this cos' I realise it must be very difficult for you.

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    "رَوْحٌ وَ رَيْحَان" Tayoofa's Avatar
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    Re: Help - gay

    Well I advise you to do Ruqyah and to avoid fast food/ chicken as I read that it always cause some hormonal issues or unbalanced minerals in your body which makes you think of these bad ideas also you have to go to Muslim therapist maybe you had some bad experiences like harassment or you were raised in a family which most of them were females and you mixed with them ..

    May Allah SWT help you
    Ibn Al Qayyim may Allah have mercy on him said: ("
    The heart on its journey towards Allah the Exalted is like that of a bird. Love is its head, and fear and hope are its two wings. When the head is healthy, then the two wings will fly well. When the head is cut off, the bird will die. When either of two wings is damaged, the bird becomes vulnerable to every hunter and predator..”
    )

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    Re: Help - gay

    (deleted)
    Last edited by muslimgirl13; 08-11-17 at 12:07 AM. Reason: No need for the comment

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    VERSION : Alpha 6.6 Aetos's Avatar
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    AW: Re: Help - gay

    This guy didnt log in.I feel so sad that nobody replied and he just left without support.No need to comment here I guess I dont think he will log in. But,to whoever is reading this Please
    Please make duaas for the brother as he is going through a very difficult test.Not being able to have sexual relations destroys the self confidence of a man so much.May Allah help him and give him good children and a big love for his wife.Ameen ......
    'A slave's life is all you understand, you know nothing of freedom. For if you did, you would have encouraged us to fight on, not only with our spears, but with everything we have'

 

 

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