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  1. #1
    calle
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    potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    Salam

    I have been signed up with the mosque matrimonial service for a long while and they have now suggested a potential (i don't think they will suggest more)
    He is older, divorced with kids, I love kids and have no problem loving someone else's kids as my own (i havent been married and dont have any)
    What concerned me is that he doesn't seem to see his kids very often. He made it sound like he just sees them occasionally or once in awhile.

    It seems he moved to another state far far away after his divorce, it seems to be by choice. I don't understand how someone could voluntarily move thousands of miles away to a place where they won't be able to see their children much, he has a good job and can afford plane tickets, I dont know how often they have phone contact.

    I've also come across profiles or people have suggested potentials of other men who already have kids and rarely see or contact them. Some don't even have regular phone contact. One case the child didn't live with either parent but was sent to live with grandparents in another country. I didn't agree to meet him for that reason.

    Am I overreacting to be bothered by this? Kids are so important to me, I want a man who inshaallah is or will be a devoted father.

    I have a lot of issues and its extremely difficult for me to marry. People are suggesting I shouldn't overlook men for this reason. I'm not talking about men who are forced to be away from their children, I'm talking about those who move away or send their child away to other relatives by choice.

  2. #2
    Odan .khayriyyah.'s Avatar
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    Re: potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    Bump

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    I wonder Ya'sin's Avatar
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    Re: potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    It's a put off if he doesn't have the desire to see his kids

    Ask him more questions, how old are the kids?

    They are still his kids and responsibility, in my opinion a dad should try his best to see his kids as much as possible.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Re: potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    If like you say it's by choice then that's worrying. That's negligence on his part. Then again as you mentioned he is an older man so maybe his kids are married and don't need to have the father nearby.

    You would have to get your wali to question him and perhaps talk to people who know him.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Juwairiyyah's Avatar
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    Re: potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    Quote Originally Posted by calle View Post
    Salam

    I have been signed up with the mosque matrimonial service for a long while and they have now suggested a potential (i don't think they will suggest more)
    He is older, divorced with kids, I love kids and have no problem loving someone else's kids as my own (i havent been married and dont have any)
    What concerned me is that he doesn't seem to see his kids very often. He made it sound like he just sees them occasionally or once in awhile.

    It seems he moved to another state far far away after his divorce, it seems to be by choice. I don't understand how someone could voluntarily move thousands of miles away to a place where they won't be able to see their children much, he has a good job and can afford plane tickets, I dont know how often they have phone contact.

    I've also come across profiles or people have suggested potentials of other men who already have kids and rarely see or contact them. Some don't even have regular phone contact. One case the child didn't live with either parent but was sent to live with grandparents in another country. I didn't agree to meet him for that reason.

    Am I overreacting to be bothered by this? Kids are so important to me, I want a man who inshaallah is or will be a devoted father.

    I have a lot of issues and its extremely difficult for me to marry. People are suggesting I shouldn't overlook men for this reason. I'm not talking about men who are forced to be away from their children, I'm talking about those who move away or send their child away to other relatives by choice.
    You're right to be bothered. A father who neglects his children is not a good man.

    This is why I'm wary of considering potentials who has kids, because it's either

    a) he's a good father and sees his children often, in which case, the ex-wife will be forever in the picture, and most likely cause much drama

    b) he neglects his kids and therefore a bad person

    it's a lose-lose situation

    I also worry about not being able to be a good mother to my step-children.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Layla_'s Avatar
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    Re: potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    Assalamu alaykum

    You have every right to be concerned! A brother who doesn't spend much time with his children voluntarily has got issues. If he can't spend time with his children, one would wonder whether he would neglect his wife as well. I would definitely be put off by this.

    When I was looking to get married, there was a brother who had a child but he was willing to move to my city which is quite far & he had absolutely no regard for his son, who, by the way was being raised by his non Muslim mother. I asked a few sisters about this and they said to stay away from him as he doesn't care about his son and in the future could desert me and my children. It didn't bother me that he had a child and I'd never been married, but the sisters advice really got me thinking.

    Anyway, lo and behold a few years later he's actually on the news for something, (quite big so I can't give detail as it will be obvious who I am on about) but it just showed that for him to do what he did, he had no concern about his children or wife and the sisters were right with what they told me. By the way, at the point of his arrest he had a few children with different women (he was married but still!)

    There are plenty of brothers who have children and are divorced but do everything they can for their children. The ones that don't care usually have some other issues as well.

  7. #7

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    Re: potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    Yes be concerned.

    there is a term for this in English is called deadbeat,the only thing worse is an outright abuser.

    What happens if you get pregnant and have his child? Will he tire of you,dump you,ditch you and make a runner like he did with his first family?
    I proven track record of neglect isn't likely to change with you

  8. #8
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    Re: potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    Quote Originally Posted by calle View Post
    Salam

    I have been signed up with the mosque matrimonial service for a long while and they have now suggested a potential (i don't think they will suggest more)
    He is older, divorced with kids, I love kids and have no problem loving someone else's kids as my own (i havent been married and dont have any)
    What concerned me is that he doesn't seem to see his kids very often. He made it sound like he just sees them occasionally or once in awhile.

    It seems he moved to another state far far away after his divorce, it seems to be by choice. I don't understand how someone could voluntarily move thousands of miles away to a place where they won't be able to see their children much, he has a good job and can afford plane tickets, I dont know how often they have phone contact.

    I've also come across profiles or people have suggested potentials of other men who already have kids and rarely see or contact them. Some don't even have regular phone contact. One case the child didn't live with either parent but was sent to live with grandparents in another country. I didn't agree to meet him for that reason.

    Am I overreacting to be bothered by this? Kids are so important to me, I want a man who inshaallah is or will be a devoted father.

    I have a lot of issues and its extremely difficult for me to marry. People are suggesting I shouldn't overlook men for this reason. I'm not talking about men who are forced to be away from their children, I'm talking about those who move away or send their child away to other relatives by choice.

    You're not overreacting. Those types of men usually leave their wife, and then the children he had, he forgets about them and acts like a single person when trying to marry again. You can't erase that.

    Also, he doesn't sound responsible either. Its fine if he doesn't meet the mother, but why make children suffer?

    I'm sure you will find someone sister, don't become desperate that you will overlook these things. In the long-term its better to be single, than be married to the wrong person and suffer.

    There are plenty of single people, you need to broaden your search, to other backgrounds as well.

  9. #9
    Odan muzzybee's Avatar
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    Re: potential doesn't spend much time with his children

    Quote Originally Posted by calle View Post
    Salam

    I have been signed up with the mosque matrimonial service for a long while and they have now suggested a potential (i don't think they will suggest more)
    He is older, divorced with kids, I love kids and have no problem loving someone else's kids as my own (i havent been married and dont have any)
    What concerned me is that he doesn't seem to see his kids very often. He made it sound like he just sees them occasionally or once in awhile.

    It seems he moved to another state far far away after his divorce, it seems to be by choice. I don't understand how someone could voluntarily move thousands of miles away to a place where they won't be able to see their children much, he has a good job and can afford plane tickets, I dont know how often they have phone contact.

    I've also come across profiles or people have suggested potentials of other men who already have kids and rarely see or contact them. Some don't even have regular phone contact. One case the child didn't live with either parent but was sent to live with grandparents in another country. I didn't agree to meet him for that reason.

    Am I overreacting to be bothered by this? Kids are so important to me, I want a man who inshaallah is or will be a devoted father.

    I have a lot of issues and its extremely difficult for me to marry. People are suggesting I shouldn't overlook men for this reason. I'm not talking about men who are forced to be away from their children, I'm talking about those who move away or send their child away to other relatives by choice.
    Waalaikumussalam
    Strange people jump the gun and blame the men here ,each divorce is different and normaly parents use children as bait and more often than not children take mothers side ,so if a father loses touch maybe he had no control over this and for his sanity he moved to different state.

    You need to be worried - yes
    Can you blame the man - not without knowing facts
    What you need to do - find out about his past

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