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  1. #1
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    Need some parenting and family advice

    Assalamu Alaikum.

    Just want to get my situation out there for everyone to understand.

    I married a spanish wife who had reverted to Islam before we met. My family is old fashioned so they kind of forced me to live with them based off the culture that the son takes care of the parents in the house.

    So I agreed and my wife agreed as well, although i know it's almost every girls dream to start a married life together with the husband rather than the whole family.

    My family situation is this:

    My brother and his wife used to live with us, but they moved out, we had tension as their son was very badly behaved, and my dad my nephews granddad controlled everything. If my brother and his wife tried to discipline their son, my dad would stop them and spoil my nephew, so at this point my nephew knows the tricks, we've had arguments trying to let my dad know that until he gets disciplined he'll grow up in a bad way. He's 5 years old. When my wife and I got married, my wife would always play with my nephew, however I did my best to at times try and discipline him when he'd hit someone or swear at someone by taking the tv or his phone away or tell him to get away from us if he won't listen. Through time i admit i made a mistake for even trying this as he's not my son, and he's still so young and i shouldn't treat him like an adult and it caused arguments between me and my brother as he'd not happy how im treating his son.

    My wife and I have a daughter who is now 18 months old. One thing my wife disliked, is how we greet each other by kissing each other, my wife sucked that up, but now she really dislikes how my family tries to force our daughter to go around kiss everyone. Especially my nephew.

    My wife had a talk with my brothers wife that she doesn't like it if it's possible to stop, and this started another huge argument to the point my wife and i never recovered.

    My main request is i seek advice and help in controlling my anger as I did a few things which is out of character for me, but the frustration is getting to me.

    For the summer holiday, my brother and in law have been staying at our house, and this not only annoys me but my wife as well because they both go work non stop and leave their son alone at home for my 80 year old dad and 70 year old mom to look after him. And he still does not behave. And since my parents are old, they cant go play with him, they just let him sit watch tv or play game just to avoid his tantrums.

    I got in to an arguement with my wife a big argument defending my family and telling her she's just very picky and annoying with her pet peeves.

    This resulted in seeing her cry in a manner I have never seen before.

    I tried to have the situation resolved with my brother inlaw and my wife, since my wife and I HATE holding grudges, but my brother seemed to not want this as he didn't bother want to get together and talk it out.

    It resulted in an awkward situation where my wife comes home and my in law doesnt say hi to her, my brother doesnt say hi to her. I told my wife to still go say hi as hopefully they'll be embarrassed with their action of ignoring us.

    My brother later messages me saying my wife doesnt need to apologize and that he just wants us to love his son as we love our daughter, which i never said i hated their son, but i can understand why he thought that.

    Still holding anger, my wife and i with our daughter tried to just have a family bonding moment by going to a zoo.

    While driving back, my daughter who is learning to have temper tantrums now (which i hope she didn't learn from my nephew as my daughter is always around when he throws them and they're identical), cried the whole hour drive back home, which i tried my best to hold my anger.

    At one point I couldn't hold it and just yelled out shut up at her, which scared her and stopped crying, but then started again.

    When we just got home, she stopped crying, still in the car i tried holding my anger, but started swearing at my daughter and saying the worst of things towards her. Her beautiful face just smiled at me not even realizing what i just said i had to take a walk which lasted for 3 hours until she slept.


    I'm extremely disgusted with myself, i am in utter disbelief, and surprised and shocked along with my wife with my outburst. I'm always the calm one and be the one to take my daughter if she throws tantrums as i sooth her until she becomes calm.

    My wife before we did nikkah was already planning to decorate our house or apartment whichever we went for, however she got stuck moving in with us. I can tell from her face she is not happy in the house, but unfortunately i have old parents who won't really let us live on our own, and a sister who lives with us who also controls the house, if we even tried to move out, they would all hold a grudge against us. And i've made it clear to my wife that at this age i have to be here, which she accepts, my parents are not the issue with her, it's my siblings and in law.

    My wife and I are not happy mainly because everyone tries to control our lifestyle, we don't go to weddings because of dancing and music, we get made fun of or are told we're weird.

    We don't want them giving their phones to our daughter as we saw what it did to my nephew, and we're told that we're too picky and to relax. (My nephew is addicted to phones and tv).

    My wife visits her family on saturdays, and comes just when it's the baby's bedtime, so she sends her straight to sleep, my family complains that we're trying to keep our daughter away from them. My wifes family lives 10 minutes away, only visits them once a week, yet my family feels this way. It ruins it for my wife who feels she can't even visit her family because of the comments she hears.

    My wife and I have agreed we'll stay until the house is paid off, so we can relax and see if we can move out, however i'm just scared of moving out and my family holding grudge against us. How will it look if i stand before Allah swt and my family members are all upset with me?

    I just need advice on how to control my anger, and how to best handle this situation. My relationship is breaking up, my wife is due in a few months with our second child, we don't deny we have no faults, we already apologized for the bads we have done, we are not in denial that we're perfect. But we don't have the happiness we once had...We want to do things the right way, but we don't know what that is.
    Before anyone says just explain to my parents the situation, we have, and they bring up the fact that they have helped up, spoiled us, they gave us everything and make us feel guilty for even thinking such things.

    I apologize for the long story, but i need help with my anger, any ideas as I can see more outbursts from me.

  2. #2
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Need some parenting and family advice

    If your angry sitting down then stand up
    If your angry standing up then sit down
    Try and walk away from the environment and do wudhoo and pray nafl salaat it helps to calm down

    Also remember a strong man is a man who can control himself when he is angry and the prophet was a man of few words so try to remind your self to calm down.

    If you keep shouting at your wife or child (especially iver trvial matters from the looks of it) you will damage then and push them away until it reaches divorce
    You have a wife who cares for you who lets go of her own rights of her own accomodation living with in laws and bils when she doesnt have to as well as a child that many people cant even have
    Appreciate what you have and cherish it you dont know when your life or anyone elses could go
    Remind yourself that and inshAllah your anger doesnt rise

    It is your wifes right to have her own accomodation also it is not right for her to be living with bils as that means she has to wear hijab and cover her body shape when she should be relaxing and not having to at home
    The hadith the brother in law is death remember that
    Naturally arguments will happen as theres alot of people at home
    Give her her own accomodation if you want your marriage ti stay healthy and slowly your family will accept it if they actually want to follow islam and not be culturual
    You can still take care of parents withiut living with them and if you do on the day of judgment inshaAllah nothing will happen as you did your part

  3. #3
    Odan Thunderstorm's Avatar
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    Re: Need some parenting and family advice



    If you're still with the others, you need a place of your own, and if I were you I would cut just about contact with them as soon as you three are out on your own. Say you're too busy with something, and that you'll see eachother every eid or whatever.
    As for anger management, this needs to be solved from both sides, firstly you have to breathe deeply both in and out when you get that angry in an attempt to control yourself. Secondly, if your child is crying that much, there are tricks to make them stop, like turning on the tap so they hear the water, or have that sound in the phone or something and play it when they start, these tricks to ease the problem on the other end is also necessary to bridge the whole solution. When you can't do that, if you're in the house, you go out to the car, drive somewhere, and you scream, cuss, punch stuff if you have to in there, doesn't matter if it was a child, relative or parent who angered you. If you catch yourself getting angry, and you're in the middle of an argument, and you know you won't go without having the last word, you put the argument on pause by either going to the restroom and locking yourself in there for a while, or you explicitly say you have to go to the restroom. Then try and get yourself together and think things through, if you're arguing with your wife, just try and swallow enough of the anger while you're in the restroom, then when you have enough control over yourself, you go out and tell her you're going to buy her a gift, you get dressed and go out to the car again - you get it all out there - then you go and buy her something nice and give it to her, say you're not angry with her but with the fact that something got between you, and that you will consider what she said, then at your leisure you have to provide some situation where she will see that she is wrong if she is wrong. If you're wrong instead, well then good thing she told you.
    Unless it's about something huge, like if she considers having something like a nosejob which she can't take back, then you should never back down. If it's something that can be fixed, be patient, because it can be fixed. Also when your child grows up, it will want to make mistakes, because some children only learn through mistakes, and if you don't let them make mistakes when they're small to learn, they will grow up and do them when they're adults, and then you have no power to stop them, and that's when you can lose them to drugs, bad groups of people etc.

    As for your nephew, if Umar(radiallahu anhu) was alive today, he would smack your dad with his stick, he is doing that child wrong, he is doing the entire family wrong and the society wrong, and when that child grows up and starts spiting him, he will have no right to complain because it will be his fault(and the fault of whoever else rewards that bad behaviour). You need to get your child away from them.
    Say what somebody can do instead of the haram if you want to help.

  4. #4
    Odan
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    Re: Need some parenting and family advice

    The moral of your post, this is what I got
    however i'm just scared of moving out and my family holding grudge against us. How will it look if i stand before Allah swt and my family members are all upset with me?
    At some point in life we have to be the bad guy for the right reason. You are really SCARED of others being UPSET at you. Life isn't a popularity contest. It isn't about who is the nice guy who everyone loves. Life is about being fair, facing hardship & taking control of once life. Making people upset is part of being an adult, standing ground is part of being adult. Life isn't all lala-land, everyone is happy, lets sing along holding hand. It seems like that is the life you want and you have hard time making tough decision, most likely because your father never allowed you to be an adult & make tough decision in life.

    but you have 2nd kid coming, this is perfect opportunity to say "you need more space" for your kid. Your brother moved out, so you can too. Get a place close by. You said your parents aren't the issue, its the siblings.

    I was confused from your writing how many people live in your house
    you, your wife, your daughter, and inshallah your new baby soon + your mom, dad + your sister and her family?? + your nephew during day time is babysat here? Why are all those other people in your house?

 

 

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