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  1. #1
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    How does a man raise a child?

    My understanding that the child obeys the mother over the father. Does that mean have no responsibility at all in raising the children and his responsibility holds only exclusively in financial and material things of this world only? What if he finds that the mother is unable to raise a son correctly or she is doing wrong in raising them or whatever, or she is extremely controlling or whatever, he does nothing or he have some power in raising them?

  2. #2
    Senior Member MuslimThinker's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by A500DaBest View Post
    My understanding that the child obeys the mother over the father. Does that mean have no responsibility at all in raising the children and his responsibility holds only exclusively in financial and material things of this world only? What if he finds that the mother is unable to raise a son correctly or she is doing wrong in raising them or whatever, or she is extremely controlling or whatever, he does nothing or he have some power in raising them?

    Both husband and wife share the task in upbringing of the child.
    Equal opportunities of teaching the child.

    Important is the discussion and mutual agreement on matters.

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    Odan Umm Uthmaan's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    A fathers role is more than just brining 'food to the table' so to say. You gotta be as much engaged with your children's upbringing as possible.
    رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by Umm Uthmaan View Post
    A fathers role is more than just brining 'food to the table' so to say. You gotta be as much engaged with your children's upbringing as possible.
    But if my upbringing contradicts with the mother's upbringing then I have no authority in raising the children. My upbringing will always have to match the mother, then in the end she is the only one raising the child. I am asking for learning purpose. My understanding the father is at the bottom total pole of raising children and his duty is only money and food.

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    أبو حمزة Salman Al-Farsi's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Not sure where this understanding comes from? Both parents have equal responsibility in raising the child, whilst it’s true that a child will always mostly want his mum before his dad doesn’t diminish his responsibility. A father should get involved from changing nappies to putting the children to sleep, feeding them, playing with them, and taking them out so the mother can have a rest or do her own thing.


    The father, providing he is fulfilling his responsibilities and rights towards his wife and children will naturally have a say in every aspect of the household without the need to enforce or questioning the need to exercise his power!!


    If the father isn’t involved in the upbringing of the child he may only see times when she is telling the children off, or the children are misbehaving or she is over-protective and think its always like this whilst far from it. I would suggest getting involved and doing what she does before making any judgements or criticising her parenting!
    "The objective behind Shari'ah is to liberate individuals from his desires in order to be a true Abd (slave) of Allah and that is the legitimate Maslaha... Violating the Shari'ah under the pretext of following Maqasid al-Shari'ah is like the one who cares about the spirit without the body and since the body without the spirit is useless therefore the spirit without the body is useless too." ~ Imam Shatibi - The greatest intellectual founder of Maqasid al-Shari'ah

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    Senior Member MuslimThinker's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by Salman Al-Farsi View Post
    Not sure where this understanding comes from? Both parents have equal responsibility in raising the child, whilst it’s true that a child will always mostly want his mum before his dad doesn’t diminish his responsibility. A father should get involved from changing nappies to putting the children to sleep, feeding them, playing with them, and taking them out so the mother can have a rest or do her own thing.


    The father, providing he is fulfilling his responsibilities and rights towards his wife and children will naturally have a say in every aspect of the household without the need to enforce or questioning the need to exercise his power!!


    If the father isn’t involved in the upbringing of the child he may only see times when she is telling the children off, or the children are misbehaving or she is over-protective and think its always like this whilst far from it. I would suggest getting involved and doing what she does before making any judgements or criticising her parenting!
    I think its the society, it has been traditional like that.
    This has to change, this mentality, thinking.

    More awareness or examples of fathers who took on some of the roles of mothers and vice versa will help.

    I think OP saw some situations or was in a situation himself that caused him to open this thread.

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by MuslimThinker View Post
    I think its the society, it has been traditional like that.
    This has to change, this mentality, thinking.

    More awareness or examples of fathers who took on some of the roles of mothers and vice versa will help.

    I think OP saw some situations or was in a situation himself that caused him to open this thread.
    These thoughts are in my head and heart for so long...one thing I don't want to do is leave this world with these ideas or negative thoughts about Allah's law or etc in fear I may end up in hellfire. I want to learn to clean the negative thoughts from myself and waswas of shaitan. Get it out in the open for the purpose of learning and cleaning my heart.

    What Umm Uthmaan said I didn't know until 8:26 AM today. I have being under the guise that the father's role is only money. Where I get this? Sheikhs. Islamic scholars. Media. Society. Especially when we all take about mother's right, etc more than even husband right...I start to even think that only women of higher standard and value and men have no value or significant role what so ever. This is why I am expressing what is in my heart...as a plea of help...guys help me clear these negative thoughts...help me clear these evil thoughts in my heart and point me out with the proper knowledge so I can have weapon and ammunition to clean my heart after the will of Allah (subhanahu wa talaa) and have a weapon against the shaitaan and his waswas. (It doesn't help I am living in the West either, gynocentric female worshiping society.)

    I believe these thoughts are dangerous and need to be destroyed. So I am coming here...starting with this as a starting base. I understood that the child obeys the mother over the father and the child listen to the mother over the father. So this is where I came in, if the child obeys the mother over the father how can the father raise the child?

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by A500DaBest View Post
    These thoughts are in my head and heart for so long...one thing I don't want to do is leave this world with these ideas or negative thoughts about Allah's law or etc in fear I may end up in hellfire. I want to learn to clean the negative thoughts from myself and waswas of shaitan. Get it out in the open for the purpose of learning and cleaning my heart.

    What Umm Uthmaan said I didn't know until 8:26 AM today. I have being under the guise that the father's role is only money. Where I get this? Sheikhs. Islamic scholars. Media. Society. Especially when we all take about mother's right, etc more than even husband right...I start to even think that only women of higher standard and value and men have no value or significant role what so ever. This is why I am expressing what is in my heart...as a plea of help...guys help me clear these negative thoughts...help me clear these evil thoughts in my heart and point me out with the proper knowledge so I can have weapon and ammunition to clean my heart after the will of Allah (subhanahu wa talaa) and have a weapon against the shaitaan and his waswas. (It doesn't help I am living in the West either, gynocentric female worshiping society.)

    I believe these thoughts are dangerous and need to be destroyed. So I am coming here...starting with this as a starting base. I understood that the child obeys the mother over the father and the child listen to the mother over the father. So this is where I came in, if the child obeys the mother over the father how can the father raise the child?
    Why do you keep saying the bold bits? Is it because our prophet said "your mother" 3 times before saying "your father" on who has right over you on earth? I don't know any kid who listens to his/her mother more than the father. It is the opposite in most family. Most kids are scared and more obedient to their father than the mother just because they see the mother everyday/every moment while father lays down the law. The right of parents is on adult not on little child. It is for adult children to give respect and love to parents, not little babies. Most couples do have different parenting style and most couples come to some type of mutual agreement on how to raise kids. Marry someone who is mature and understanding & she will work with you instead of trying to undermine you

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    Senior Member MuslimThinker's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by A500DaBest View Post
    These thoughts are in my head and heart for so long...one thing I don't want to do is leave this world with these ideas or negative thoughts about Allah's law or etc in fear I may end up in hellfire. I want to learn to clean the negative thoughts from myself and waswas of shaitan. Get it out in the open for the purpose of learning and cleaning my heart.

    What Umm Uthmaan said I didn't know until 8:26 AM today. I have being under the guise that the father's role is only money. Where I get this? Sheikhs. Islamic scholars. Media. Society. Especially when we all take about mother's right, etc more than even husband right...I start to even think that only women of higher standard and value and men have no value or significant role what so ever. This is why I am expressing what is in my heart...as a plea of help...guys help me clear these negative thoughts...help me clear these evil thoughts in my heart and point me out with the proper knowledge so I can have weapon and ammunition to clean my heart after the will of Allah (subhanahu wa talaa) and have a weapon against the shaitaan and his waswas. (It doesn't help I am living in the West either, gynocentric female worshiping society.)

    I believe these thoughts are dangerous and need to be destroyed. So I am coming here...starting with this as a starting base. I understood that the child obeys the mother over the father and the child listen to the mother over the father. So this is where I came in, if the child obeys the mother over the father how can the father raise the child?
    I guess also child has a natural tendency towards the mother I believe. Islam is a package. Package that involves islamic parenting as well.
    Once this is in, everything is Alhamdulilah.

    the child obeys the mother because from young, they were always together.
    as compared to the father who is always outside working. This is where the mother needs to explain to the child that the father is outside working hard for the family etc.
    And the father has to show that despite working hard, he tried his best to spend time with the child.
    "Listen to your father, he means well" this continuous words, and hopefully the child gets the idea.

    If the father is doing something wrong, no good reason that the child to obey the father. Especially if the father oversteps the boundary.
    Even so for those situation, Islam does not teach us to be rude to parents.
    Things happen for a reason.

    If the mother is giving good advice, doing the right things, giving proper islamic advise to the child.
    If the child obeys more than the father, then i see no issues in that matter. There is a hadith mention that the prophet mention mothers 3 times. as opposed to father.
    That shows the importance.


    Don't worry about it. InshaAllah this negative perceptions will go away.

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Your logic is a bit contrived. The right way to raise a child is the Islamic way.

    When either the mother or father deviates from this, then the parent following the right way should have authority.

    eg. when a son reaches the age of puberty and the father forcefully wakes him up (Fajr) and takes that son to the Masjid. If the mother feels sympathy for the child and tries to stop it, then the mother is wrong.

    I have being under the guise that the father's role is only money. Where I get this? Sheikhs. Islamic scholars. Media. Society.
    It is a very dangerous thing to say Islamic scholars are quoting that the fathers role is only money. The words of scholars weigh heavily on the people they are involved with, so if a scholar has actually said something to that level, you need to reconsider listening to that scholar (or take back your words because it is hearsay).

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    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Follow islam try follow the prophet provision is one role amongst many

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by horizon View Post
    Your logic is a bit contrived. The right way to raise a child is the Islamic way.

    When either the mother or father deviates from this, then the parent following the right way should have authority.

    eg. when a son reaches the age of puberty and the father forcefully wakes him up (Fajr) and takes that son to the Masjid. If the mother feels sympathy for the child and tries to stop it, then the mother is wrong.



    It is a very dangerous thing to say Islamic scholars are quoting that the fathers role is only money. The words of scholars weigh heavily on the people they are involved with, so if a scholar has actually said something to that level, you need to reconsider listening to that scholar (or take back your words because it is hearsay).
    I take my word back! And on everything you guys said...thank yo so much! I am learning a lot....thank you guys for all these great advice! Thank you all! That cleared all that evil thought in my head...damn I hate the shaitaan! I hate him!

  13. #13
    Odan Thunderstorm's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Dad is the fun parent, mom is the police. You don't go play football, build pillow forts or watch scary movies with your mom, you watch some cheesy TV drama, solve crossword puzzles with her or talk about dem diddly feelerinos, stuff like that. And you get different advice from dad than from mom.
    Also, dad stands for the competitive- and overall survival competence(mom doesn't teach you how to fix the sink, catch an animal, even change the lightbulb), mom stands for empathy and mannerisms.
    Say what somebody can do instead of the haram if you want to help.

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by Thunderstorm View Post
    Dad is the fun parent, mom is the police. You don't go play football, build pillow forts or watch scary movies with your mom, you watch some cheesy TV drama, solve crossword puzzles with her or talk about dem diddly feelerinos, stuff like that. And you get different advice from dad than from mom.
    Also, dad stands for the competitive- and overall survival competence(mom doesn't teach you how to fix the sink, catch an animal, even change the lightbulb), mom stands for empathy and mannerisms.
    lol

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kya View Post
    Why do you keep saying the bold bits? Is it because our prophet said "your mother" 3 times before saying "your father" on who has right over you on earth? I don't know any kid who listens to his/her mother more than the father. It is the opposite in most family. Most kids are scared and more obedient to their father than the mother just because they see the mother everyday/every moment while father lays down the law. The right of parents is on adult not on little child. It is for adult children to give respect and love to parents, not little babies. Most couples do have different parenting style and most couples come to some type of mutual agreement on how to raise kids. Marry someone who is mature and understanding & she will work with you instead of trying to undermine you
    May Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) raise you the highest level in Janna possible, Ameen ya Rab and for all of us too ameen ya Rab and for everyone here who replied.

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    Gender: Male oshirowanen's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by A500DaBest View Post
    My understanding that the child obeys the mother over the father. Does that mean have no responsibility at all in raising the children and his responsibility holds only exclusively in financial and material things of this world only? What if he finds that the mother is unable to raise a son correctly or she is doing wrong in raising them or whatever, or she is extremely controlling or whatever, he does nothing or he have some power in raising them?
    Ideally find out about a woman's thought about how to raise a child before deciding to marry her. If you get married to a woman who is extremely controlling, she will basically destroy your child's life.

    It's not true that a child obeys the mother over the father, both parents have equal responsibilities over the child.

    But if you get married to the wrong woman, your life and your child's life will become hell'like.

    From the sisters perspective, just reverse the order of the male and female wording above. It works or fails both ways.

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    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by oshirowanen View Post
    Ideally find out about a woman's thought about how to raise a child before deciding to marry her. If you get married to a woman who is extremely controlling, she will basically destroy your child's life.

    It's not true that a child obeys the mother over the father, both parents have equal responsibilities over the child.

    But if you get married to the wrong woman, your life and your child's life will become hell'like.

    From the sisters perspective, just reverse the order of the male and female wording above. It works or fails both ways.
    What are the different ways a women would take care of a child and what kind of questions would you ask

  18. #18
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Quote Originally Posted by Thunderstorm View Post
    Dad is the fun parent, mom is the police. You don't go play football, build pillow forts or watch scary movies with your mom, you watch some cheesy TV drama, solve crossword puzzles with her or talk about dem diddly feelerinos, stuff like that. And you get different advice from dad than from mom.
    Also, dad stands for the competitive- and overall survival competence(mom doesn't teach you how to fix the sink, catch an animal, even change the lightbulb), mom stands for empathy and mannerisms.
    You been watching tv too much

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Today my mom told me that my oldest brother told his wife in full conclusion that fathers are not necessary and the most important one and to a child's life is the mother. That if he disappears and goes away from the lives of his children they will be fine, since our dad died when we where babies and he said that he is fine. I don't think he is fine though. Because he doesn't pray. He have sex outside of marriage, he had sex with his wife before marriage, then married her when she got pregnant with his 1st child. He deals with so many things in religion that is wrong. So I don't think what he says is true. But this mentality is the very reason why you see so many men leave home, divorce, find someone else and the ex-wife is left alone to raise children on her own. Because society have taught us...that well...fathers are not necessary. We don't need fathers. However, if that was the case to be true, then arises this question. Why in America with the highest divorce rate ever, with women having children on their own, even lesbian having children on their own...I am not saying all mind you....but majority of the children grow from single mother home as drug dealers, murders, car thieves, school drop outs, pregnant teenage girls, high suicide rate, anti-social behavior, the list goes on. Some people say, well...we don't need fathers....just a male role model will do. Yes, but when you get stranger men to replace the real father you increase the risk chance of child molestation, child abuse, rape, murder, etc. Even grandfather can rape or molest a child or abuse a child higher than said real father.

    So, the question arises why did my brother say this today? Because we have it imprinted in our inner bone that we don't need fathers and we just need mothers. If we don't change this thinking and imprint the new changes to future generation, the violence and single mothers and etc will never change. Women will always complain men are not helping enough and children will grow up thinking it is only the women's role to raise children and what we see today will remain this way until end of time.

    I am saying, we need to stop give this idea that fathers are not necessary and children will be fine without them.

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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Brother you do realize there is an entire day dedicated to celebrating/appreciating fathers and letting them know how important they are to the kids life....... Its called FATHERS DAY ( I know silly example but your thought process and doubts are the main reason this type of holiday is created). Because it is so easy for people to forget to thank, especially or parents. Mothers get little bit more thanks mainly because religion points it out & there has been lot of movement/awareness toward it. But most mothers will say how thankless their life has been.

    I think the reason you and your brother feel this way is because of you not growing up with father figure. DADDY issue is big underlying psychological issue that takes years to work out & most normal people don't even notice it. I don't think most people feel this way. I think this feeling is special to your circumstance that needs to be talked about. Maybe you and your brother need to talk about how your life would have been different with father & how much you needed him. I can imagine kids who lost their mother in young age and turned out "fine" might feel the same way that biological mothers in older kids life is not required for good life or maybe those who had terrible mother will surely say.

  21. #21
    Umm Kulthoom Rumaysah~'s Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    The mother herself comes under the authority of the father so how does it make sense to say that the child has to listen to the mother over the father. Good parents don't put their children in that situation to start with, rather if there is an issue in parenting styles they talk about it and they agree on how they will raise their children.
    Fathers are needed just as much as mothers are, the children should be a priority to both. The father is basically what hold the family together.
    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: How does a man raise a child?

    Remember to not reveal a persons sins

 

 

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