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View Poll Results: What are your concerbs/worries/fears regarding marriage?

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  • Impact on Imaan

    10 16.13%
  • Not finding a suitable match

    45 72.58%
  • Parental Pressue

    6 9.68%
  • Finances

    11 17.74%
  • Lonliness

    15 24.19%
  • Anything & everything else....please discuss.

    14 22.58%
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  1. #1
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    Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah



    Pray you are all very well, insha'Allah, my dear ummahites

    Just working on something on...

    What are your main concerns/worries/fears as a single Muslim/ah ...
    وَالْعَصْرِ

    إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

    إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

    "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

    "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

    Khanqah Habibiyah

  2. #81
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by A500DaBest View Post
    Hey I am just being logically here Here is an example of a guy who have lots of children and this is what he got in return https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsIuuVkLJrU . Not even one single kid of his prayed for him, male or female. So even the idea that daughters are closer to their dads didn't take effect in his scenario. If you read the commentary in youtube people blame him. He died and people blame him. He is not even getting sympathy from people even after death. A good case example of how you cannot guarantee the outcome of your investment.

    The only guarantee you have when you invest something is yourself. How? Easy. That -points at the money-. Take this money and help the poor. Take this money and sponsor a child (even if not having the child live with you). Take this money and build a mosque with the proper intention. Take this money and pay zakaat. The money cannot come back and turn evil on you or go wrong if you spend it correctly with proper intention.

    Children could go wrong. Some may even stab and kill you or falsely accuse you of rape and put you in jail falsely. This is so often too common here. My point is is not to put your eggs on other people's basket...but to put it in your own basket. Heck, there is not even guarantee children will even love you man. Especially for dads. We are at the end of the stick on it. So don't put your hopes up on your seed. That is all I am saying.
    Your line of reasoning is not in tune with islamic ideals. Islam is a religion of optimism not pessimism. Sure what you are saying is possible but inshallah that is not the case. No where in my initial post did I say that one should depend on this as their only hope to enter jannah but to have a righteous family and progeny is a noble intention, and also one which is possible to acquire with the help of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

    It is also possible that your family members get sick and die within the next few days.

    It's possible that you may choke on your iftar and die.

    It's possible that you may get in to a car accident.

    It's possible that you fail in school / get fired from work even though you strive and gave your all.

    These are all possible and logical ( May Allah forbid from any of them taking place)

    Strive for the best, have ikhlas, and tawwakul on Allah ta'ala , it is possible that Allah will grant you what you strive for. And even if you don't achieve, it is possible that Allah rewards good intentions.

    Pessimism has no reward , neither in this life nor the next.

    Wa Allahu alaam

  3. #82
    Cerebral Assassin Tide2006's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    That the girl will dislike me and leave in 3 weeks

  4. #83

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    I'm afraid of not finding anyone and remaining single. There's so much I want to share with my wife when I finder her , I'm jealous of a lot of brothers who get married so quickly or have the right connections I just don't have, and I'm looking for a sister from a culture that frowns on outside marriage, I'm also held back so much by being intimidated by sisters I find attractive I feel like I'd bore her or she won't even want to give me a chance or her family would hate me if I say/do something wrong.

    I just want a normal sister who enjoys the same things I do and thinks like me, I got close a few times Subhanallah but as God would have it they were not written for me, May Allah (AWJ) grant us the best of people as our partners in this Dunya and the hereafter.

  5. #84
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Jarir View Post
    I'm afraid of not finding anyone and remaining single. There's so much I want to share with my wife when I finder her , I'm jealous of a lot of brothers who get married so quickly or have the right connections I just don't have, and I'm looking for a sister from a culture that frowns on outside marriage, I'm also held back so much by being intimidated by sisters I find attractive I feel like I'd bore her or she won't even want to give me a chance or her family would hate me if I say/do something wrong.

    I just want a normal sister who enjoys the same things I do and thinks like me, I got close a few times Subhanallah but as God would have it they were not written for me, May Allah (AWJ) grant us the best of people as our partners in this Dunya and the hereafter.
    that's a shame that you lack confidence but hopefully you will grow out of it the older you get and it's just about showing you are capable, that's it

    don't let looks stop you from pursuing marriage you'll be surprised
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

  6. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Jarir View Post
    I'm afraid of not finding anyone and remaining single. There's so much I want to share with my wife when I finder her , I'm jealous of a lot of brothers who get married so quickly or have the right connections I just don't have, and I'm looking for a sister from a culture that frowns on outside marriage, I'm also held back so much by being intimidated by sisters I find attractive I feel like I'd bore her or she won't even want to give me a chance or her family would hate me if I say/do something wrong.

    I just want a normal sister who enjoys the same things I do and thinks like me, I got close a few times Subhanallah but as God would have it they were not written for me, May Allah (AWJ) grant us the best of people as our partners in this Dunya and the hereafter.
    Son, get a hold of yourself.

    Confidence is key.

  7. #86

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    Son, get a hold of yourself.

    Confidence is key.
    Are you married yet bro?

  8. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Jarir View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    Son, get a hold of yourself.

    Confidence is key.
    Are you married yet bro?
    No. Soon in Shaa Allah.

  9. #88

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    No. Soon in Shaa Allah.
    What is holding you back bro?

  10. #89
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Jarir View Post
    I'm afraid of not finding anyone and remaining single. There's so much I want to share with my wife when I finder her , I'm jealous of a lot of brothers who get married so quickly or have the right connections I just don't have, and I'm looking for a sister from a culture that frowns on outside marriage, I'm also held back so much by being intimidated by sisters I find attractive I feel like I'd bore her or she won't even want to give me a chance or her family would hate me if I say/do something wrong.

    I just want a normal sister who enjoys the same things I do and thinks like me, I got close a few times Subhanallah but as God would have it they were not written for me, May Allah (AWJ) grant us the best of people as our partners in this Dunya and the hereafter.
    I've seen this in a few brothers - they find beautiful women intimidating, and then end up rejecting that woman, simply because they feel she is too good for them.

    Don't do that.

    If you are genuinely sincere, then propose - don't be put off by beauty.

  11. #90
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Jarir View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    No. Soon in Shaa Allah.
    What is holding you back bro?
    Money.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Indefinable View Post
    I've seen this in a few brothers - they find beautiful women intimidating, and then end up rejecting that woman, simply because they feel she is too good for them.

    Don't do that.

    If you are genuinely sincere, then propose - don't be put off by beauty.
    It's hard not to it feels like your being restrained

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    Money.

    Didn't you say at one point your mother knows a lot of people and would get you married?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Jarir View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    Money.

    Didn't you say at one point your mother knows a lot of people and would get you married?
    I did? I don't remember.

    She can undoubtedly find me someone easily, if my standards for deen weren't so high.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    I did? I don't remember.

    She can undoubtedly find me someone easily, if my standards for deen weren't so high.
    Do you have someone else in mind instead of who Umm Stoic Believer knows?

  16. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Jarir View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    I did? I don't remember.

    She can undoubtedly find me someone easily, if my standards for deen weren't so high.
    Do you have someone else in mind instead of who Umm Stoic Believer knows?
    Lol not really bro. Well, there is one sister from university that I considered, but I have doubts about her religiosity.

    I'm still going to see if my mother can find someone. Some of her friends are fairly religious so perhaps they can recommend someone.

  17. #96
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Jarir View Post
    It's hard not to it feels like your being restrained
    Restrained?

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Creamcake View Post
    Has anyone actually had a good experience on a marriage site like pure matrimony? just curious..
    idk I feel like i'd never join a marriage site, it just feels so weird, artificial and can be creepy,
    Marriage is so much easier for ppl whose family has religious connections, because normally ppl tell their fam and they get lotsa proposals and its nicer that way.. but not everyone has that luxury :/ and I've learnt that irl religious good ppl don't just randomly appear lol, in most cases
    guess we just gotta remember that we will only marry if its written for us, and our spouses are written for us. which is a beautiful thought
    Depends on how you approach. I met a decent family with no creepiness or fitnah. The sister had good profile post and mine was compatible. After a message, her brother took over and discussed somethings. I told my parents and they wanted some time and it cut off because they wanted earlier marriage. They moved on in haste because they thought they had a better opportunity. And for them, that brother did not marry after a year of talks. And then I had moved on.

    So its not easy. You can easily get fooled. May not have wali. But some times, the person's views click so much that you know that this is not dodgy. It may not work like it did'nt when I wrote to that sister but I know for sure that they were genuine and decent people.

  19. #98
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    @savo234 Where's your thread "early polygamy" has gone?

    Mods delete it ?!?
    How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by myeverything View Post
    @savo234 Where's your thread "early polygamy" has gone?

    Mods delete it ?!?
    Thread was lame.

  21. #100
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    Thread was lame.
    At least was genuine and approaching polygamy from a very different angle imo

    Unlike lots of useless threads that's still open. Plus, we have countless of polygamy threads that most of them have posts that lamer than lame itself and no one closed them.

    Recently I start feeling that they look at the name of the thread starter,therefore decide to close it or not.^^
    How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

  22. #101
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by myeverything View Post
    At least was genuine and approaching polygamy from a very different angle imo

    Unlike lots of useless threads that's still open. Plus, we have countless of polygamy threads that most of them have posts that lamer than lame itself and no one closed them.

    Recently I start feeling that they look at the name of the thread starter,therefore decide to close it or not.^^
    What? Go into it when you are young. When the majority don't have the mental or financial capacity to do it. Yeah makes real sense.

  23. #102
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    What? Go into it when you are young. When the majority don't have the mental or financial capacity to do it. Yeah makes real sense.

    you totally miss the point ..I didn't say I'm with or against.

    All I said is that the topic of the thread was good and genuine....didn't see the point of deleting it .. that's all.


    while topic such as would you marry someone with chipped tooth? lol is still open to entertain themselves.. it's not even moved to the void as they did with such joking topics
    How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

  24. #103
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by myeverything View Post
    you totally miss the point ..I didn't say I'm with or against.

    All I said is that the topic of the thread was good and genuine....didn't see the point of deleting it .. that's all.


    while topic such as would you marry someone with chipped tooth? lol is still open to entertain themselves.. it's not even moved to the void as they did with such joking topics
    I've not missed the point...I'm saying it was pointless therefore it's okay that it got zapped. The fact that another thread did not get zapped is neither here nor there.

  25. #104
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    What? Go into it when you are young. When the majority don't have the mental or financial capacity to do it. Yeah makes real sense.
    When I wrote early. I didnt mean in teens. A man could earn decent in early 30s or late 20s. And have a stable situation. At that point, polygamy can be handled well enough.

  26. #105
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    I've not missed the point...I'm saying it was pointless therefore it's okay that it got zapped. The fact that another thread did not get zapped is neither here nor there.
    It wasn't pointless for me and for many users for sure. Some users rep me saying they agree and it was interesting topic ... you know ppl have different views .. we should respect that and not go on locking threads with no reason, because this forum for all.That's my opinion.

    maybe @Abu 'Abdullaah needs to stop the" trying to be cool attitude" for a bit.
    How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

  27. #106
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by savo234 View Post
    When I wrote early. I didnt mean in teens. A man could earn decent in early 30s or late 20s. And have a stable situation. At that point, polygamy can be handled well enough.
    I was not referring to teens either. I just think the numbers that would fall into this category would be tiny to the point that it's not really worth mentioning. I mean if you mentioned to your wife to be that perhaps in a short time in the future you'll be looking to marry again you probably struggle to marry the first anyway.

    Quote Originally Posted by myeverything View Post
    It wasn't pointless for me and for many users for sure. Some users rep me saying they agree and it was interesting topic ... you know ppl have different views .. we should respect that and not go on locking threads with no reason, because this forum for all.That's my opinion.

    maybe @Abu 'Abdullaah needs to stop the" trying to be cool attitude" for a bit.
    That then goes against everything I hear on UF. The overwhelming response you get here from sisters is yeah it's great but just not for me. So the idea that the first wife is going to be okay with her husband taking another so early into a marriage is just fanciful.

    But then again the views offered by some here are so scattered I would not be surprised at all. Anyway, for those that are up for it just go and do it...that might shut me up.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    So the idea that the first wife is going to be okay with her husband taking another so early into a marriage is just fanciful.

    But then again the views offered by some here are so scattered I would not be surprised at all. Anyway, for those that are up for it just go and do it...that might shut me up.

    Not really, I asked my husband after the first year of marriage and we were both 23 at the time.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Indefinable View Post

    Not really, I asked my husband after the first year of marriage and we were both 23 at the time.
    What? You said he can go marry another and he said yeah great and you are all living happily ever after?

    The numbers are going to be tiny...out of all the women you know how many have taken the same stance as you?

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    What? You said he can go marry another and he said yeah great and you are all living happily ever after?

    The numbers are going to be tiny...out of all the women you know how many have taken the same stance as you?
    No, he didn't want to.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Indefinable View Post
    No, he didn't want to.
    Well I guess he can always change his mind, now that he knows you are okay with it.

    What about my second question? The point I'm making (3rd time) is about this only being applicable to a tiny proportion of people. Something that appears to have been missed. We can all pull out the odd case here and there but that only further supports my opinion.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    What? You said he can go marry another and he said yeah great and you are all living happily ever after?

    The numbers are going to be tiny...out of all the women you know how many have taken the same stance as you?
    There are women who take the stance as this sister and some other who accept that with conditions and some accept it after a bit of pressure from husband. The sisters on UF or anywhere who say "its not for me" are going to have that problem at older age as well.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    Well I guess he can always change his mind, now that he knows you are okay with it.

    What about my second question? The point I'm making (3rd time) is about this only being applicable to a tiny proportion of people. Something that appears to have been missed. We can all pull out the odd case here and there but that only further supports my opinion.
    Women okay with Polygamy are tiny proportion and likewise the men who practice it fairly. however as I said, its not just the women unconditionally okay. There are wmen who accept on conditions such as the second one is older or divorced to make sure she herself remains "favourite". And other women who dont accept but if husband is good and says "I want it" then they eventually accept. But all thse types are minority. And majority dont accept. Thats fine.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    Well I guess he can always change his mind, now that he knows you are okay with it.

    What about my second question? The point I'm making (3rd time) is about this only being applicable to a tiny proportion of people. Something that appears to have been missed. We can all pull out the odd case here and there but that only further supports my opinion.
    Yes, he can - In Sha Allaah. Whatever Allaah blesses him with.

    I'm not sure. Maybe it is rare. Allaah knows best. But it can be a good thing, if practiced correctly.

    The way things are in the West - a family consists of husband, wife + kids (maybe a pet) - having anything extra is considered a disruption. Whether that's in-laws or the husband having another wife, or even financial burden for parents etc.

    Some women would rather their husbands cheat and overlook that - but not take on another wife. This is where we prioritise our desires for dunya over our akhira. And this can be destructive. Of course polygamy is hard. Emotions run high, something small can escalate into something bigger, the wives have insecurities, but again - that's because we think with our emotions and not with logic.

    All in all - the love for our Creator should supersede every other love.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by savo234 View Post
    There are women who take the stance as this sister and some other who accept that with conditions and some accept it after a bit of pressure from husband. The sisters on UF or anywhere who say "its not for me" are going to have that problem at older age as well.
    Quote Originally Posted by savo234 View Post
    Women okay with Polygamy are tiny proportion and likewise the men who practice it fairly. however as I said, its not just the women unconditionally okay. There are wmen who accept on conditions such as the second one is older or divorced to make sure she herself remains "favourite". And other women who dont accept but if husband is good and says "I want it" then they eventually accept. But all thse types are minority. And majority dont accept. Thats fine.

    I'm well aware of the existence of polygamous marriages, happy ones and not so happy ones.

    I also think that those who think early into a marriage that they are going to be okay with it, come to it with a dose of naivety. They would not have fully experienced the challenges of a monogamous marriage let alone with the added complication of moving to a polygamous marriage.

    Part of me also thinks that a wife mentioning it early or at a time she knows he's not likely to say yes is a sort of way of saying..."right I gave you the chance and you turned it down so now don't mention it in the future". It's like your wife asking you straight after you've had a full meal and asks what you want for dinner tomorrow. She knows full well you are not really in a position to think of food at this time so are more likely to say..."I'm easy do whatever you want".

    Anyway, for those that want to do it young, great!!!...Looks like I'm giving some "legitimacy" to a thread I think is pointless so I'll not offer up any more.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    I'm well aware of the existence of polygamous marriages, happy ones and not so happy ones.

    I also think that those who think early into a marriage that they are going to be okay with it, come to it with a dose of naivety. They would not have fully experienced the challenges of a monogamous marriage let alone with the added complication of moving to a polygamous marriage.

    Part of me also thinks that a wife mentioning it early or at a time she knows he's not likely to say yes is a sort of way of saying..."right I gave you the chance and you turned it down so now don't mention it in the future". It's like your wife asking you straight after you've had a full meal and asks what you want for dinner tomorrow. She knows full well you are not really in a position to think of food at this time so are more likely to say..."I'm easy do whatever you want".

    Anyway, for those that want to do it young, great!!!...Looks like I'm giving some "legitimacy" to a thread I think is pointless so I'll not offer up any more.
    If you're referring to my post - then I expected him to say yes.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by zi-zizou View Post
    I

    Part of me also thinks that a wife mentioning it early or at a time she knows he's not likely to say yes is a sort of way of saying..."right I gave you the chance and you turned it down so now don't mention it in the future". It's like your wife asking you straight after you've had a full meal and asks what you want for dinner tomorrow. She knows full well you are not really in a position to think of food at this time so are more likely to say..."I'm easy do whatever you want".

    .
    I dont think so. WOmen dont joke about it. If a woman says she is fine then its not a one time offer. It shows her approach to the topic.

    And I say it again, in late 20s or early 30s and lets say in first 5 years of marriage, a man can have enough experience and settlement. My point was simply that some women take offense when they know that after all the difficult years of life when they hit 40 and women got kids and they are not that attractive. And Mr. Husband has got money, he will get a fresh wife. That sounds to me more difficult to accept for first wife and the kids and society. And he too will be going mostly for sex rather than a full-emotional relationship with the second wife.

    Doing Polygamy earlier with fairness and going through all problems together when they come sounds a bit more exciting to me.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    I am concerned about the concern that is concerning me

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Indefinable View Post
    If you're referring to my post - then I expected him to say yes.
    I am interested in knowing from you. You are both 23 or were 23. Whats more easier for you. If your husband took second wife at 30 or at 40-50. And which one would be preferable to you. Or will it all be the same and dependent on situation at that time.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Indefinable View Post
    I've seen this in a few brothers - they find beautiful women intimidating, and then end up rejecting that woman, simply because they feel she is too good for them.

    Don't do that.

    If you are genuinely sincere, then propose - don't be put off by beauty.
    Off put by beauty !!! Lol.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Indefinable View Post
    If you're referring to my post - then I expected him to say yes.
    I was not referring to your situation...but the fact that you got it wrong is not surprising as you had only been together one year and are still learning about each other.

    Quote Originally Posted by savo234 View Post
    I dont think so. WOmen dont joke about it. If a woman says she is fine then its not a one time offer. It shows her approach to the topic.

    And I say it again, in late 20s or early 30s and lets say in first 5 years of marriage, a man can have enough experience and settlement. My point was simply that some women take offense when they know that after all the difficult years of life when they hit 40 and women got kids and they are not that attractive. And Mr. Husband has got money, he will get a fresh wife. That sounds to me more difficult to accept for first wife and the kids and society. And he too will be going mostly for sex rather than a full-emotional relationship with the second wife.

    Doing Polygamy earlier with fairness and going through all problems together when they come sounds a bit more exciting to me.
    Don't know bro, I'm really not that experienced when it comes to women...it's a mystery to me. What the say they want and what they really want...Allah swt knows best.

 

 

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