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View Poll Results: What are your concerbs/worries/fears regarding marriage?

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  • Impact on Imaan

    10 16.13%
  • Not finding a suitable match

    45 72.58%
  • Parental Pressue

    6 9.68%
  • Finances

    11 17.74%
  • Lonliness

    15 24.19%
  • Anything & everything else....please discuss.

    14 22.58%
Multiple Choice Poll.
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  1. #1
    Super Moderator Jenicca's Avatar
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    Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah



    Pray you are all very well, insha'Allah, my dear ummahites

    Just working on something on...

    What are your main concerns/worries/fears as a single Muslim/ah ...
    وَالْعَصْرِ

    إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

    إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

    "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

    "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

    Khanqah Habibiyah

  2. #41
    Super Moderator Jenicca's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    much appreciated ....

    I will go through and read and reply at some point insha'Allah
    وَالْعَصْرِ

    إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

    إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

    "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

    "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

    Khanqah Habibiyah

  3. #42
    I wonder Ya'sin's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Rifqah View Post
    I disagree with your disagreement

    We're talking about a new wife or husband so, those compatibilities would have already been checked prior to marriage, as much as can be checked inshallah.

    After marriage, it's a question of putting into practice the religion concerning marriage and if both people do that then Inshallah they'll be trying to make it easy for each other?

    I see

    This is how I look at it. Depending on the time scale and how long you want to know that individual, it's still not a guarantee. You may find that before the marriage it was just a 'spark' but then you realise after the marriage you don't feel much towards that person even though you treat them right, there's no affection or 'love' towards your wife. It becomes just a duty. A job. We all know relationships are more than that or should be more than that.

    They might have that similar Islamic foundation, but if we want to go a bit further and talk about emotions such as love, or needs, or just general affection towards your wife, these things will only happen if you like that person.

    If I meet someone that's on the same page as me, we might not click or get along as husband and wife. That something is missing, you need to gel with your spouse. Religion is the guideline on how to go about it but when it comes to embracing your partner because you love them this is something else that requires your interest in them and who they are as a person and if you find that attractive enough or not to really be that companion.

    @Fakhri ( sorry, I'll use you as an example, )

    He doesn't want to marry because he doesn't feel ready or he isn't a millionaire yet or whatever the reason, don't care

    But then some hijabi skips along and his mum says she looks pretty and modest, marry her.

    Fakhir thinks hmm okay mum! The two speak and find that wow, they're on the same manhaj. They get married but instead of becoming really good friends it's all just mutual and civil for the sake of marriage and islam.

    Lmso
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

  4. #43
    Please do not 'Rep'. Jzk. Fakhri's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    I see

    This is how I look at it. Depending on the time scale and how long you want to know that individual, it's still not a guarantee. You may find that before the marriage it was just a 'spark' but then you realise after the marriage you don't feel much towards that person even though you treat them right, there's no affection or 'love' towards your wife. It becomes just a duty. A job. We all know relationships are more than that or should be more than that.

    They might have that similar Islamic foundation, but if we want to go a bit further and talk about emotions such as love, or needs, or just general affection towards your wife, these things will only happen if you like that person.

    If I meet someone that's on the same page as me, we might not click or get along as husband and wife. That something is missing, you need to gel with your spouse. Religion is the guideline on how to go about it but when it comes to embracing your partner because you love them this is something else that requires your interest in them and who they are as a person and if you find that attractive enough or not to really be that companion.

    @Fakhri ( sorry, I'll use you as an example, )

    He doesn't want to marry because he doesn't feel ready or he isn't a millionaire yet or whatever the reason, don't care

    But then some hijabi skips along and his mum says she looks pretty and modest, marry her.

    Fakhir thinks hmm okay mum! The two speak and find that wow, they're on the same manhaj. They get married but instead of becoming really good friends it's all just mutual and civil for the sake of marriage and islam.

    Lmso
    Not sure how I feel about being used as an example here... Or the fact that my couple of lines (in brackets, as well) has now lead to this(!).

    But I will say, I think I probably lean towards Sr Rifqah's view more than sister's good self on this... Nothing's ever a guarantee when it comes to such things I guess, but a believing man and a believing woman who have the traits of taqwa, rahmah, forbearance, etc. one would expect things to go reasonably well for them, especially if they find one another's physycal appearance pleasant enough to agree to marry them.

    Allahu a'lam. Just to let sister or anyone reading this comment know, please don't mind the fact I probably won't reply to anything else on the discussion, knowing how things have a habit of going a bit 'funny' on this part of the forum (!).
    LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
    -------------------------------
    "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
    NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

  5. #44
    islamreligion.com eesa the kiwi's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    That my marriage will fail or end up in divorce (probably biggest fear this one)
    That I'm still lonely after marriage and this is just my lot
    That marriage actually hasn't been decreed for me and I'll never get married (ok maybe this one is my biggest)
    That she doesn't know how to cook biryani
    That she'll find things boring (i don't watch tv or movies due to it being haram)(I mean I'm perfectly happy reading in the evening but yeah)(don't get me wrong well still go out and do stuff like mountain biking etc but you can't go out every night)
    That my deen will suffer

    There's more but yeh
    It may not be easy, you may not understand it, but you need to have the Imaan to trust Allah when life doesn't make sense.
    "Whoever intends eternal happiness, then let him hold tight to the threshold of servitude.” ibn Taymiyyah.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    I think most importantly it is leaving this world without any children to carry on Islam.

    Speaking to the converts within this thread especially, wouldn't it be amazing that Islam began through your seed, and it continues down further generations? Think about all the good deeds which will surprise you on the day of judgment.. Now imagine your deeds without it.. Big difference of course.

  7. #46
    I wonder Ya'sin's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by eesa the kiwi View Post
    That my marriage will fail or end up in divorce (probably biggest fear this one)
    That I'm still lonely after marriage and this is just my lot
    That marriage actually hasn't been decreed for me and I'll never get married (ok maybe this one is my biggest)
    That she doesn't know how to cook biryani
    That she'll find things boring (i don't watch tv or movies due to it being haram)(I mean I'm perfectly happy reading in the evening but yeah)(don't get me wrong well still go out and do stuff like mountain biking etc but you can't go out every night)
    That my deen will suffer

    There's more but yeh
    yeh, I'm sacred of that one too, if the man does not know how to cook biryani properly i'll be gutted, propa mugged off

    but it'll be worse if he tries to slaughter my pet lamb, that will be one big outrageous....

    *temperature rising
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

  8. #47
    Odan Creamcake's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    @Jenicca what's the thing your working on, sis?
    And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record”
    [al-An’aam 6:59]

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    Odan Creamcake's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Has anyone actually had a good experience on a marriage site like pure matrimony? just curious..
    idk I feel like i'd never join a marriage site, it just feels so weird, artificial and can be creepy,
    Marriage is so much easier for ppl whose family has religious connections, because normally ppl tell their fam and they get lotsa proposals and its nicer that way.. but not everyone has that luxury :/ and I've learnt that irl religious good ppl don't just randomly appear lol, in most cases
    guess we just gotta remember that we will only marry if its written for us, and our spouses are written for us. which is a beautiful thought
    And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record”
    [al-An’aam 6:59]

  10. #49
    Odan Sarah5's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Religion is number one of course, but it doesn't scare me because my hijab is pretty conservative so it'll be obvious that people who don't like religion will not be interested.

    My concern is abuse (in all forms). It's difficult to determine how someone will act around you when you settle in. I cannot for the life of me stand to live with someone where I would have to walk on eggshells the whole time.

  11. #50
    Odan Muslimah1436's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah



    That the person I marry will be too boring
    He may lack basic mannerisms and etiquette's!
    He might become gay :O - that's actually a scary thought.
    And.... instead of him being my hero, I'd have to be a superwoman *sigh* e.g. he'll become a LAZY man


    I'd hate to feel lonely after marriage. How sad would that be... may Allah protect us.
    ~‘And He will provide him from (sources) he could never imagine. And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed, Allah has set a measure for all things.’~ - سورة الطلاق : 3

  12. #51
    Odan
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    I fear the responsibility (and my readiness for it) Allah put on me should I have a family and that one day I will questioned on how I lead and guided my family in accordance to the Qur'an and Sunnah........ With all the fitnah one can only make du'a to make through themselves while guiding the family.

  13. #52
    New Member ShamsQamar's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    My fear is a bad relationship, a bad woman, ending in divorce.
    I'm white American revert, and all the white people I know, friends, coworkers, all my extended family, everyone has been divorced. You hear there's a 50% divorce rate and I wonder sometimes is it really 99%. And every middle aged man complains about how badly his wife treats him.

    My parents weren't Muslim, and I don't know any Muslim women because the masajid are sex-segregated and I never went to uni so I've never met any Muslim women IRL, just men and children.
    So I have no idea how a Muslim marriage actually works. Sure I've seen hadith about it, but just because the hadith says such and such doesn't mean people actually follow it.

    I have no idea what to expect, what a Muslim wedding is like, or what home life is actually like.

    And my fear is that it'll end up being awful, with fights and screaming and her forcing you to sleep on the couch and getting divorced, exactly how it would be with agirl, the very thing I wanted to get away from.

  14. #53
    New Member ShamsQamar's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Other major fear is that she will not be a virgin, but lie and tell me she is.

    On the other hand I'm afraid that I won't be religious enough for her. I don't speak Arabic, I read Quran and sira in English several days per week but that's English, and yet most kids learn to memorize the whole Quran in Muslim countries, so I know less than a child.

    I feel that while I live a fairly religious life - 5 salat (dhuhr at work), weekly ijtima and jumaa, studying religion in English as I said, I wear a sunnah-length (handspan) beard - sometimes I feel ashamed and think that's just the bare minimum and nothing to be proud of. I've seen some posts on this site condemning music and movies, honestly, I'm really into heavy metal music and that could be a major turn off for any girl Muslim or not.

    I don't make much very much money and I'm mildly overweight, not huge but I have a belly.

    I'm afraid that expectations will be soooo high. They want a rich, handsome a'lim and I'm a poor chubby revert.
    The decent girls will get better guys than me, and I'll be stuck with a not so decent girl leading to the situation I described previously with fighting and divorce.

  15. #54
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Just be positive trust me theres girls that wont care about a man being rich and most people in the world arent alims and still most people get married.

    Still if you know that you can improve your self do it try and learn to read Quran find time for a teacher to help you learn or learn online couple of months and you would able to read the Quran insha Allah
    With music if u cant cut it out straight away cut it out slowly just realise that all it ever is is money drugs promiscuity and shaytaan thats all it ever is
    Much better to listen to nasheeds that sound good and have beautiful meanings that actually comes as dawah

  16. #55
    be still Sirius's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by ShamsQamar View Post
    Other major fear is that she will not be a virgin, but lie and tell me she is.

    On the other hand I'm afraid that I won't be religious enough for her. I don't speak Arabic, I read Quran and sira in English several days per week but that's English, and yet most kids learn to memorize the whole Quran in Muslim countries, so I know less than a child.

    I feel that while I live a fairly religious life - 5 salat (dhuhr at work), weekly ijtima and jumaa, studying religion in English as I said, I wear a sunnah-length (handspan) beard - sometimes I feel ashamed and think that's just the bare minimum and nothing to be proud of. I've seen some posts on this site condemning music and movies, honestly, I'm really into heavy metal music and that could be a major turn off for any girl Muslim or not.

    I don't make much very much money and I'm mildly overweight, not huge but I have a belly.

    I'm afraid that expectations will be soooo high. They want a rich, handsome a'lim and I'm a poor chubby revert.
    The decent girls will get better guys than me, and I'll be stuck with a not so decent girl leading to the situation I described previously with fighting and divorce.
    you're doing well. work on the music. don't be so negative.

    --

    someone who doesn't love Allah, essentially.
    many other things stem from that.

    --
    'And when a thing for which you ask is slow to come,
    Then know that often through delay are gifts received'
    علي الحبشي

  17. #56
    Odan
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by ShamsQamar View Post
    My fear is a bad relationship, a bad woman, ending in divorce.
    I'm white American revert, and all the white people I know, friends, coworkers, all my extended family, everyone has been divorced. You hear there's a 50% divorce rate and I wonder sometimes is it really 99%. And every middle aged man complains about how badly his wife treats him.

    My parents weren't Muslim, and I don't know any Muslim women because the masajid are sex-segregated and I never went to uni so I've never met any Muslim women IRL, just men and children.
    So I have no idea how a Muslim marriage actually works. Sure I've seen hadith about it, but just because the hadith says such and such doesn't mean people actually follow it.

    I have no idea what to expect, what a Muslim wedding is like, or what home life is actually like.

    And my fear is that it'll end up being awful, with fights and screaming and her forcing you to sleep on the couch and getting divorced, exactly how it would be with agirl, the very thing I wanted to get away from.
    Lol if that's a real fear for you, you can probably let that one go. In MOST muslim country cultures (I assume you understand the distinction I'm trying to make between islam and a particular country's culture) that just does not happen. They'd probably sooner have the woman sleeping on the couch than the man which is the OTHER extreme. No one should have to sleep on the couch. Angry people can still sleep next to each other not such a big deal.

  18. #57
    Odan
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by ShamsQamar View Post
    Other major fear is that she will not be a virgin, but lie and tell me she is.

    On the other hand I'm afraid that I won't be religious enough for her. I don't speak Arabic, I read Quran and sira in English several days per week but that's English, and yet most kids learn to memorize the whole Quran in Muslim countries, so I know less than a child.

    I feel that while I live a fairly religious life - 5 salat (dhuhr at work), weekly ijtima and jumaa, studying religion in English as I said, I wear a sunnah-length (handspan) beard - sometimes I feel ashamed and think that's just the bare minimum and nothing to be proud of. I've seen some posts on this site condemning music and movies, honestly, I'm really into heavy metal music and that could be a major turn off for any girl Muslim or not.

    I don't make much very much money and I'm mildly overweight, not huge but I have a belly.

    I'm afraid that expectations will be soooo high. They want a rich, handsome a'lim and I'm a poor chubby revert.
    The decent girls will get better guys than me, and I'll be stuck with a not so decent girl leading to the situation I described previously with fighting and divorce.
    Oh and this part.
    Just go without it for a couple of months. I guarantee you, it will appeal to you a lot less after that. It's not something that can really be explained unless you've seen both sides of it but when you stop listening to music your heart becomes softer and more open to the Quran.
    It makes you feel guilty to listen to music when you go without for awhile. Try it this Ramadan at least.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by ShamsQamar View Post
    My fear is a bad relationship, a bad woman, ending in divorce.
    I'm white American revert, and all the white people I know, friends, coworkers, all my extended family, everyone has been divorced. You hear there's a 50% divorce rate and I wonder sometimes is it really 99%. And every middle aged man complains about how badly his wife treats him.

    My parents weren't Muslim, and I don't know any Muslim women because the masajid are sex-segregated and I never went to uni so I've never met any Muslim women IRL, just men and children.
    So I have no idea how a Muslim marriage actually works. Sure I've seen hadith about it, but just because the hadith says such and such doesn't mean people actually follow it.

    I have no idea what to expect, what a Muslim wedding is like, or what home life is actually like.

    And my fear is that it'll end up being awful, with fights and screaming and her forcing you to sleep on the couch and getting divorced, exactly how it would be with agirl, the very thing I wanted to get away from.
    Have you thought about a change of environment? Like maybe moving out of town or country?

    What you described is scary tbh.

    Stats is one thing. But to hear about real stories about divorce from someone is something else.
    Last edited by nudgetheputri; 28-05-17 at 12:40 PM.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenicca View Post


    Pray you are all very well, insha'Allah, my dear ummahites

    Just working on something on...

    What are your main concerns/worries/fears as a single Muslim/ah ...
    Main concern is finding someone who doesn't have a bad past and is actively striving to improve on his deen.

    Also to marry young enough to have a few kids insha'Allah.

  21. #60
    a muslim in a odd place HelloEverybody's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    not finding suitable match and safeguarding environment where I will be living in.

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    Wanderer Stoic Believer's Avatar
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    Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Sometimes I think I'm not religious enough for the religious girls, but too religious for everyone else. Lol it's quite the dilemma.

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    Keeping it real! sis_niqabi's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    My biggest fear is marrying the wrong man and then winded up divorce. I also fear I may never get married. I'm 29 and I've been looking to get married since I was 17 years old. I've met a few potentials but they just never seem to work out.

    On top of that, my walis (brother and father) aren't too bothered to help me find someone as they are wrapped up in their own lives (father has another wife and family and my brother is in his own world).

    I socialize with mainly Arabs and Asians, so marrying an Arab or Asian brother is out of the question as I'm not Arab/Asia and not white.

    So my chances of marrying are slim. I'm afraid that after my parents die I will be all alone.
    Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
    (Surah Az Zumar, (Chapter 39: Verse 53)

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by sis_niqabi View Post
    My biggest fear is marrying the wrong man and then winded up divorce. I also fear I may never get married. I'm 29 and I've been looking to get married since I was 17 years old. I've met a few potentials but they just never seem to work out.

    On top of that, my walis (brother and father) aren't too bothered to help me find someone as they are wrapped up in their own lives (father has another wife and family and my brother is in his own world).

    I socialize with mainly Arabs and Asians, so marrying an Arab or Asian brother is out of the question as I'm not Arab/Asia and not white.

    So my chances of marrying are slim. I'm afraid that after my parents die I will be all alone.
    May Allah make it easy for you sis. I'm 29 and not married and family isn't too bothered either. What is written is written so try not to stress. Just make dua that Allah grants you that which is khaire, whether it's marriage or not. This month is the best time to make lots of dua.

    I try and see not being married as Allah's protection... I see so many unhappy marriages around me that it's hard to actually want it.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    My main concern about marriage is that I might end up with someone who is not on the same wave length as me. Been married to someone who was on a different wave length, and that ended up in divorce. I have no desire to make the same mistake again.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    The same with everything else, that she may be too big of trial for me to handle properly. Which will cause me to deviate from the right path.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by oshirowanen View Post
    My main concern about marriage is that I might end up with someone who is not on the same wave length as me. Been married to someone who was on a different wave length, and that ended up in divorce. I have no desire to make the same mistake again.
    Same wave length in terms of what?
    Ya Allah,
    Make me a stronger person today. Make me a better person out of all these. It is no longer bearable for me for my heart is aching and You are the only One who knows how I feel. Nothing is making sense to myself and for anyone else for that matter especially to the one person I wish to understand me better than anybody else.
    "Don't use the sharpness of your tongue on the mother who taught you how to speak

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by patient believer View Post
    Same wave length in terms of what?
    Just generally on the same wave length, as in the way we think. The way we think should be harmonious and complimentary towards each other. Can't be more specific, it will end up getting personal and the post will just get deleted.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    I'm not too concerned about who I marry anymore as long as she cooks good, looks good and obeys her husband.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Jumpski View Post
    I'm not too concerned about who I marry anymore as long as she cooks good, looks good and obeys her husband.
    Might wanna include "obeys her Lord" to the list too.... just sayin.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Im concerned about crazy in laws and him possibly not liking me, or stop liking me after some time

    Also living in the country i do, i have to be concerned he would be completely secular, or his knowledge doesnt match his behaviour if he does have knowledge
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    That either one of us may not have the ability to have kids.

    May Allah grant us all pious cute offsprings.
    ┳┻|
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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Cptn._.Mario View Post
    That either one of us may not have the ability to have kids.

    May Allah grant us all pious cute offsprings.
    Allahumma ameen, best to check this before marriage i think
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Somali_sister88 View Post
    Might wanna include "obeys her Lord" to the list too.... just sayin.
    Ofcourse that goes without saying

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Biggest concern is lack of sincerity; only Allah knows how sincere we all are. If I got married, I like to think I could be a husband that strives to fulfill my wife's rights, keep her happy, be her source of motivation and a means for her to get closer to Allah, but I know I am just a man. I may and almost definitely will make mistakes. If she is sincere, I would hope she understands that my heart is in the right place, and be patient with my faults, but if she is insincere, then I fear I simply won't have anything to work with. As long as her MAIN goal is to please Allah, with full conviction and sincerity, I would like to think we could make it through any other issues/difficulties, bi'ithnillah. But if she has a priority other than the pleasing of her Lord, then I won't really know how to operate, because Allah's pleasure is my end goal. What could I do for my wife if she does not share that same end goal?

    Not sure if that makes sense. :3

    May Allah bless us with spouses that will be the coolness of our eyes, and our means of attaining His pleasure.
    Brothers and sisters, i started a blog! (First try)
    Give it a read, inshaAllah, if you're just twiddling your thumbs and have nothing better to do :D
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    Assalamu Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakat

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by oshirowanen View Post
    My main concern about marriage is that I might end up with someone who is not on the same wave length as me. Been married to someone who was on a different wave length, and that ended up in divorce. I have no desire to make the same mistake again.
    I ALWAYS say this to people. That I want to marry someone who is on the same wavelength as me. I'm not sure what you mean by it but to me it's someone who you just connect with. There are people that you can instantly hit it off with and become great friends with and there are people that it's always a little bit of an effort to make conversation with or hang out with. The difference is in that wavelength thing.
    I hope you don't mind sharing about some of your experience but I am wondering - did you notice that you two were on a different wavelength before you got married but you still went ahead with the marriage? Or did you not pick up on it? If not how will you try to ascertain next time in sha Allah that you ARE on the same wavelength as the woman you're considering marrying? What sort of 'litmus test' do you have in mind?

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by TCKMuslima View Post
    did you notice that you two were on a different wavelength before you got married but you still went ahead with the marriage? Or did you not pick up on it?
    Didn't pick up on it until after about 1 hour after the nikah, and I thought, maybe she's just nervous, or worried about what kind of person I am, so I overlooked it.

    Quote Originally Posted by TCKMuslima View Post
    If not how will you try to ascertain next time in sha Allah that you ARE on the same wavelength as the woman you're considering marrying? What sort of 'litmus test' do you have in mind?
    1. Ask her friends and family about the type of person she is (but to not believe what you're told until you see those personality traits for yourself at least a few times).

    2. Go out with her (while her mehram keeps an eye on her in the background), allowing us to chat in a neutral environment, to figure out if we're on the same wavelength or not. I would want many of these outings with her and her mehram in the background.

    3. Ask her questions in a subtle way. Considering, the prophet of islam never hit a child ever, I would say something like, how do you feel when you see a child on the floor throwing a tantrum (ideally when such a situation arises). If she says, I would slap that child unlike those parents, parents are way too soft these days, alarms bells would be ringing in my mind to run away from her. If she says, that child is like that because of how the parents have brought him up, I feel sorry for that child, I'd think, okay, that's how I think, we might be on to something here, lets not run from her just yet.

    4. If she did not investigate me properly, that too would sound alarm bells in my mind, because I would think, she is not taking this seriously, or she doesn't understand the immense responsibilities a marriage brings.

    5. If everything goes well, I would want a details prenuptial agreement which mirrors the marriage laws of Islam, if the prenup causes them to raise an eyebrow, I would think, they do not agree with islamic laws and rules, run away from such people.

    6. If her side attempted to rush the marriage in anyway, or hinted at any kind of pressure, i.e. "what will people say if you take so long to get married", I would consider that a form of blackmail, and would decide to decline. Marriage is way to serious to rush without proper investigation. To do proper investigation, takes time.

    7. While all the above is happening, that should give you enough time, to notice if you're on the same wavelength or not, experience the click. If you feel you're talking to a brick wall, then clearly you're on different wavelengths, if she agrees with what you say, and you agree with what she says in the form of "yes, that's exactly how i think", and "yes, I do the same thing", and "yes, I always wanted to do that too" and so on. But if the responses are mostly "that different", or "that's weird" or "I don't agree" and so on, then you're definitely not clicking, you're on different wavelengths.

    If you don't click or you're on different wave lengths, it will be a nightmare of a marriage where you're constantly in disagreement, as you'll see the world from 2 very different perspectives. If I got marriage again, I would basically want her to have a very similar perspective on life as me.

    8. Good deen goes without saying.

    9. Good manners go without saying.
    Last edited by oshirowanen; 30-05-17 at 12:32 PM.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by oshirowanen View Post
    Didn't pick up on it until after about 1 hour after the nikah, and I thought, maybe she's just nervous, or worried about what kind of person I am, so I overlooked it.



    1. Ask her friends and family about the type of person she is (but to not believe what you're told until you see those personality traits for yourself at least a few times).

    2. Go out with her (while her mehram keeps an eye on her in the background), allowing us to chat in a neutral environment, to figure out if we're on the same wavelength or not. I would want many of these outings with her and her mehram in the background.

    3. Ask her questions in a subtle way. Considering, the prophet of islam never hit a child ever, I would say something like, how do you feel when you see a child on the floor throwing a tantrum (ideally when such a situation arises). If she says, I would slap that child unlike those parents, parents are way too soft these days, alarms bells would be ringing in my mind to run away from her. If she says, that child is like that because of how the parents have brought him up, I feel sorry for that child, I'd think, okay, that's how I think, we might be on to something here, lets not run from her just yet.

    4. If she did not investigate me properly, that too would sound alarm bells in my mind, because I would think, she is not taking this seriously, or she doesn't understand the immense responsibilities a marriage brings.

    5. If everything goes well, I would want a details prenuptial agreement which mirrors the marriage laws of Islam, if the prenup causes them to raise an eyebrow, I would think, they do not agree with islamic laws and rules, run away from such people.

    6. If her side attempted to rush the marriage in anyway, or hinted at any kind of pressure, i.e. "what will people say if you take so long to get married", I would consider that a form of blackmail, and would decide to decline. Marriage is way to serious to rush without proper investigation. To do proper investigation, takes time.

    7. While all the above is happening, that should give you enough time, to notice if you're on the same wavelength or not, experience the click. If you feel you're talking to a brick wall, then clearly you're on different wavelengths, if she agrees with what you say, and you agree with what she says in the form of "yes, that's exactly how i think", and "yes, I do the same thing", and "yes, I always wanted to do that too" and so on. But if the responses are mostly "that different", or "that's weird" or "I don't agree" and so on, then you're definitely not clicking, you're on different wavelengths.

    If you don't click or you're on different wave lengths, it will be a nightmare of a marriage where you're constantly in disagreement, as you'll see the world from 2 very different perspectives. If I got marriage again, I would basically want her to have a very similar perspective on life as me.

    8. Good deen goes without saying.

    9. Good manners go without saying.

    JazakAllah khair for the comprehensive reply. Thanks that makes a lot of sense and good ideas suggested.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by AmantuBillahi View Post
    I think most importantly it is leaving this world without any children to carry on Islam.

    Speaking to the converts within this thread especially, wouldn't it be amazing that Islam began through your seed, and it continues down further generations? Think about all the good deeds which will surprise you on the day of judgment.. Now imagine your deeds without it.. Big difference of course.
    There is no guarantee your seeds will come out right. For all you know your seed might come out your worst nightmare.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by A500DaBest View Post
    There is no guarantee your seeds will come out right. For all you know your seed might come out your worst nightmare.
    Gee way to bring a dark cloud with you lol.

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    Re: Concerns & fears of a Single Muslim/ Muslimah

    Quote Originally Posted by Somali_sister88 View Post
    Gee way to bring a dark cloud with you lol.
    Hey I am just being logically here Here is an example of a guy who have lots of children and this is what he got in return https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsIuuVkLJrU . Not even one single kid of his prayed for him, male or female. So even the idea that daughters are closer to their dads didn't take effect in his scenario. If you read the commentary in youtube people blame him. He died and people blame him. He is not even getting sympathy from people even after death. A good case example of how you cannot guarantee the outcome of your investment.

    The only guarantee you have when you invest something is yourself. How? Easy. That -points at the money-. Take this money and help the poor. Take this money and sponsor a child (even if not having the child live with you). Take this money and build a mosque with the proper intention. Take this money and pay zakaat. The money cannot come back and turn evil on you or go wrong if you spend it correctly with proper intention.

    Children could go wrong. Some may even stab and kill you or falsely accuse you of rape and put you in jail falsely. This is so often too common here. My point is is not to put your eggs on other people's basket...but to put it in your own basket. Heck, there is not even guarantee children will even love you man. Especially for dads. We are at the end of the stick on it. So don't put your hopes up on your seed. That is all I am saying.
    Last edited by A500DaBest; 01-06-17 at 03:23 PM.

 

 

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