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  1. #1
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    Father has Dementia

    Salaam all,

    I'm 25 and have one of them old skl large Asian families (im the only son and have 5 sisters). Four of my sisters are married and in only me, my parents and sister live in our house now. My father is old 72 now I think and he was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few years ago which no doubt is a big test from Allah SWT. Just thinking about the whole situation makes me feel depressed especially once my sister gets married and also leaves the household. As my fathers Alzheimers will only get worse as time goes on, I feel like I will have to leave my job and help my mum take care of him. Also, what do I do about marriage? I really doubt any woman will want to marry me as she will not want to take care of my parents if I am at work. I feel like I am in a bit of a unique situation as it doesn't seem like there are many others out there my age who may be going through the same thing. I'd appreciate any advice you may have

  2. #2
    Senior Member neelu's Avatar
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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Walaykum salam,

    May Allah (swt) reward you and your family for your patience in taking on such a massive responsibility. I can't advise on this but just wanted to offer some words of support. One of my distant relatives had to take care of her father until he died of Alzheimers a couple of years ago and it was hugely difficult as he'd often wake up in the middle of the night and not realise it's night time so she couldn't properly rest by day or by night. The really hard part was hiding his car keys from him when he became too impaired to drive cos' he just kept insisting on wanting to go out. His daughters ended up selling the car and telling him it was parked nearby.

    In their case, they hired a local lady to help take care of him during the day whilst his daughters were at work. Initially they tried hiring men, but their dad would become very aggressive towards other men (I think because he had grown up daughters and in his impaired mind he didn't know who the men were or why they were in his house so he'd get suspicious) and drive them out but he was okay with one particular woman so they hired her even though initially she ran up their phone bill making international calls and stuff and took things from their house so they ended up having to lock up their phones and valuables but wouldn't fire her cos' they couldn't find anyone else that their dad would tolerate in the house. Some care assistants are better than others I guess. I've heard some horror stories although alhamdullilah I've been blessed and my care assistants have been really good so don't lose hope and if the family struggle to cope, just realise such support is available to help share in the family's responsibilities which can make it easier for everyone.

    I don't know what to advise in terms of marriage. Whilst I think it would be wonderful if you found a wife willing to help share in your responsibilities particularly after your sister gets married, but honestly I believe no matter how caring and nice a wife is, it's a bit of an unrealistic expectation to assume she'd be as diligent and devoted to your dad as you or your sister so don't just bring someone home and assume she'd take to the responsibilities just like your sister has. Your dad may be a good man but he's not your wife's father, she wont have had that history with him, he didn't raise her. If she's decent, she'd have the sense to show him respect as her elder and care for his vulnerable condition, but you can't expect the same level of love and emotional attachment (and commitment) from her as you would from his blood relatives who do have that history and relationship. Be realistic in your expectations where a wife is concerned. Also consider the difficulties she'd face if your dad doesn't recognise her and starts becoming hostile or angry about her living with you.

  3. #3
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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Also try to think of the big positive, which is that through looking after your father with patience, there is a great deal of air to be earned.

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    Tawakkul... iRepIslam's Avatar
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    Father has Dementia

    و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله

    SubhanAllah, please never ever neglect your father I know patients whom I've dealt with in the past who are in residential care homes and سبحان الله they find it extremely difficult and it is sad to see really. Alhamdulilah your father is blessed to have a strong network of family around him I assume and never let go of that. The biggest cause of death after smoking is social isolation. Make dua to Allah swt and look after yourself in the process in Sha Allah and remember the reward lies with Allah Azzawajal. Alhamdulilah we are blessed to have families around us and some people سبحان الله are left neglected because their own family cannot give their time out to look after the person that raised them their whole life.

    May Allah accept.
    إقراء القران فإنه يأتي يوم القيامة شفيعا لأصحابه

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    Re: Father has Dementia

    I know that a great reward awaits me and my family but I can't help but think how depressed I'll get. Especially the fact that i'm faced with the prospect of not getting married within the next 10 years or so. I guess all these worrying thoughts highlight how weak my Imaan is.

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    Tawakkul... iRepIslam's Avatar
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    Father has Dementia

    @Zs1994

    You can still get married and look after your father? Are you saying you are going to get rejected because of that? سبحان الله
    إقراء القران فإنه يأتي يوم القيامة شفيعا لأصحابه

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    Tawakkul... iRepIslam's Avatar
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    Father has Dementia

    Remember to not think so much about the future and concentrate on what's happening now. Too much worrying isn't healthy, have tawakkul and everything will be fine in Sha Allah
    إقراء القران فإنه يأتي يوم القيامة شفيعا لأصحابه

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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Quote Originally Posted by iRepIslam View Post
    Remember to not think so much about the future and concentrate on what's happening now. Too much worrying isn't healthy, have tawakkul and everything will be fine in Sha Allah
    Thanks for the kind words, appreciated. As for marriage lol i dunno i just get the feeling as soon as I tell a potential wife about my father and whatnot, she'll be put off as will her family.

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    Tawakkul... iRepIslam's Avatar
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    Father has Dementia

    @Zs1994

    Yeah just make dua, anything is possible in Sha Allah.

    My uncle is searching for a wife who will be willing to accept that his got to be at home looking after his elderly parents, it is possible, he is going through potentials who have no problem with that. If anyone rejects you because of that then you know how they are as a person and it's good you avoided them.

    Yeah that's my take on that.
    إقراء القران فإنه يأتي يوم القيامة شفيعا لأصحابه

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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Wasalaam.
    No need to feel overwhelmed dear bro.
    There are many others in similar situations or worse and some are women.
    Know that a woman who will accept your situation is a gem.
    So treat her well when you find her.
    A good hearted guy like you will be successful inshallah.
    Not to mention the great reward in store for you.
    Keep your chin up champ.

  11. #11
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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Salaam all,
    Just thought I'd provide an update. This past year my father's condition has got worse as is the case with dementia unfortunately. I'm struggling to come to terms with it. I don't really have a social life. I work full time and when I come home and on weekends I help take care of him and this takes strain off my mum and sister. It's very hard, my mum struggles to sleep properly at night as my father keeps going to the toilet. My sister is getting on now and wants to get married but she is torn between wanting to stay and help out. My other sisters are in their own homes busy with kids. I feel like these prime years of my life are being slowly taken away from me. I really think I will end up getting married quite late now as I don't want to bring a wife into the household during this period of difficulty.

    The worst thing is I see nothing but hard times ahead. My father leaving this dunya, the impact this will have on me and my mum. Pretty much nothing but depressing and negative thoughts.

    Duas are very much so needed. Sorry for the rambling!
    Last edited by Zs1994; 05-10-17 at 01:34 PM.

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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Walaikumus salaam waRahmatullah.

    SubhanAllah, I can't imagine how jealous we will be on judgement day when you are compensated by Ar-Rahman. It's almost as if I I see the noor you will be covered by in your writing.

    We can only invite you to what Allah has. Sabr and Salah. These are the two tools Allah has given you to hold on to Him. May Allah perfect His favour on you and your family.

  13. #13
    061116 Rifqah's Avatar
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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Quote Originally Posted by Zs1994 View Post
    Salaam all,
    Just thought I'd provide an update. This past year my father's condition has got worse as is the case with dementia unfortunately. I'm struggling to come to terms with it. I don't really have a social life. I work full time and when I come home and on weekends I help take care of him and this takes strain off my mum and sister. It's very hard, my mum struggles to sleep properly at night as my father keeps going to the toilet. My sister is getting on now and wants to get married but she is torn between wanting to stay and help out. My other sisters are in their own homes busy with kids. I feel like these prime years of my life are being slowly taken away from me. I really think I will end up getting married quite late now as I don't want to bring a wife into the household during this period of difficulty.

    The worst thing is I see nothing but hard times ahead. My father leaving this dunya, the impact this will have on me and my mum. Pretty much nothing but depressing and negative thoughts.

    Duas are very much so needed. Sorry for the rambling!


    I just want to comment on the topic of getting married later. Think of the quality of your character that you bring to the potential due to what you're going through. The depth and experience you will bring is priceless and will be evident to a woman looking for a quality husband and father for her children.

    My only other concern is wondering if you have all the help available to you and your family, agencies popping in etc. to help with your dads daily tasks.

  14. #14
    Odan ALAS's Avatar
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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Quote Originally Posted by Zs1994 View Post
    Salaam all,

    I'm 25 and have one of them old skl large Asian families (im the only son and have 5 sisters). Four of my sisters are married and in only me, my parents and sister live in our house now. My father is old 72 now I think and he was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few years ago which no doubt is a big test from Allah SWT. Just thinking about the whole situation makes me feel depressed especially once my sister gets married and also leaves the household. As my fathers Alzheimers will only get worse as time goes on, I feel like I will have to leave my job and help my mum take care of him. Also, what do I do about marriage? I really doubt any woman will want to marry me as she will not want to take care of my parents if I am at work. I feel like I am in a bit of a unique situation as it doesn't seem like there are many others out there my age who may be going through the same thing. I'd appreciate any advice you may have
    Salaam

    Get a good job and hire a nurse. I have hired a nurse for my mother, this helps me to do my job. However it is expensive, one salary can not afford it easily. Maybe your sisters can have a job and help you out with the expenses. If you leave your job, or you hurt yourself then who would earn money and protect the family ! By the way beware marriage can be constructive and also it can be destructive, so try to have a constructive marriage whenever it is possible. Do not be hasty. I am 30 and I am not married yet. I am planning to marry till 35 ! Marriage depends on many things, personal characteristics, economy, society ...... it may be a bit hard that you find someone who fits you. Just do not be hasty.

    May Allah help you and your family and give you a great reward for your attempts and patience.
    Last edited by ALAS; 14-10-17 at 08:20 AM.

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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Brother think of the huge award that awaits you. Your parents are blessed to have a child like you who is sacrificing for them.

    Think for a moment the sacrifices your parents made for you especially your mother who stayed up at night when you were a helpless baby.

    Do your married sisters live close by? Yes they are married with own families etc but he is still their dad. Ask them if they can help out even if it's for a few hours a day or every other day. If not then maybe on weekends.

    You will get married when Allah has planned for you so don't worry about that too much.

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    Re: Father has Dementia

    Seriously guys (and girls) thanks for your kind comments and advice and duas. Really appreciated, may Allah remove all of your difficulties.

 

 

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