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  1. #1
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    Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

    Insha'Allah, from now on, I will be posting a series of rhetoric on the topic of breaking free from addiction, whether perversion, anti-social habits etc. And Insha'Allah, if you suffer from compulsion to any such habit, you will begin to see that it is not impossible to break free from it. The moment you "believe" you can break free, consider your life 70% free from sexual deviations, whether in the form of viewing illicit material, masturbation, constant illicit thoughts and Wasawas etc. But the belief that you can break free, comes from the knowledge that there actually is a way to break free forever.

    Now, in my last post, titled "Why We Become Addicted to Sexual Deviations", I talked about the actual first process of how your body's chemistry attaches itself to certain habits. We've come to know about the mental framework that regulates the whole process of sexual addiction. How Dopamine and other brain chemicals, their negative imbalances, hijack the "reward pathways" of your brain that provide you pleasure, satisfaction, and so you find negative ways to fulfill the needs of that reward pathway.

    In this post, I will talk about phase 2. Why we remain addicted, even though we realize there is a problem, and we see it with our own eyes that it affects our life negatively, our development as a Muslim, as a healthy member of society, and in many other painful ways.

    Beyond the Chemstry of Pleasure, And Our Communal Tendencies

    Let's talk about the layer on top of the brain chemistry. The mental layer, the thought-process. There is something in psychological counseling called "denial". It is the main reason that people are unable to quit their habits, simply because they don't believe they have a problem. In the Muslim community, we don't have this problem Alhamdulillah, because our religion identifies for us what a sin is, and that a sin is actually a problem we need to get rid of.

    However, the version of "denial" that affects our communities, and I've come across this many times over the course of treating Muslim patients...what I call "semi-denial." Semi-denial is when you understand there is a problem, but remain unaware about actually how deep and well-grounded it is in your system. As a result, the level of reaction you show is not enough to get rid of the problem permanently, into a life of permanent peace and progress.

    Also, let's point out a psycho-spiritual aspect as well to this problem. And for this we need to understand our community psychology, and how Shaitan, in these times, works around that psychology. I've identified this with several of addiction patients, and all of them said "Yes, this is exactly how I used to feel towards treating addiction, and I think this is why I did not make the required effort (and that typical "Whoa, I never realized this" smile always follows).

    One of the psychological maps that I noticed, over the scores of Muslims treated for sex addiction was this, "I do a lot of spiritual stuff, hopefully I won't be addicted tomorrow by way of some miracle." "I make Tawbah a lot, hopefully things will be better now." The spiritual part is compulsory, but understand that the mental craving for not doing it again will not go away through the spiritual part alone. This is exactly why people remain violently thrown around in the cyclone of addiction: the uncontrollable thoughts, sinning, repenting, crying...the uncontrollable thoughts, sinning, repenting, crying...to the point that you frustrate yourself into hopelessness, and all the while Shaitan enjoys the scenario.

    A lot of people came to me and said that their life came to a point where they would think, "O Allah, when will all this end?" or "Is there something lacking in the way I repent?"

    So, what's the lesson here?

    That to stop the mental craving, that rapidly transforms into that daily flood of sexual thoughts, and those thoughts transform almost instantly into that daily sin...you need therapeutic activities that address the problem directly to the mind. The only way to break free forever is to cleanse the mind's pathways. Half of that process is spiritual, the other half is physical.

    The Incessant Cycle

    Browse the forums, how many people do you see complaining about sinning in Ramadan itself? Wasn't fasting supposed to be the one-stop solution for desires? People have posted about masturbating during fasts but stopping just short of climax, couples have talked about disrupting their fast in the morning through intercourse during fasting, young individuals have complained about fasting and yet experiencing a flood of sexual thoughts.

    Understand, that the mental system needs intravenous and direct solutions of its own.

    Brothers and sisters, there are 3 systems running in our existence at any time, the way Allah has created us. Spirit, and for that there's Dhikr, recitation etc. Body, and for that there is fasting. Mind, the dimension of neurocircuitry and neuro-transmission, and for that there is it's own set of therapies.

    So, How Do We Go About the Mind Part?

    Now we're getting somewhere.

    We've squared off the fact that the mind plays an entirely autonomous (independant) role in your addiction. Let's discuss the actual therapy process that we take our subjects through in counseling.

    The most important part of the counseling process is for the subject themselves to realize the depth of the problem. You, yourself need to diagnose how deep down you stand in the addiction pit, & only then can you formulate a plan to scale the heights towards the top of the pit, and into freedom forever. (HURRAH!)

    Here's the first exercise that we have our subjects do, to help them self-diagnose the intensity of the problem in their life.

    - Clear your mind (if possible walk out in the open)

    - Take Deep Breaths, be extremely honest with yourself, and then answer the follow questions.

    (You can do this without taking deep breaths and clearing your mind, but I guarantee you the results will not be as good and complete)

    - Copy these questions on MS Word (or excellent if you can write this stuff out), and then answer them.

    "I admit that even though I try, I feel powerless over certain sexual tendencies, and that it has made a part of my life unmanageable."

    1. Give 3 examples of being Powerless, of being unable to stop or set a limit. For eg. I made a resolve that I will try not to masturbate for the next 2 weeks, but I found myself doing it a few hours later.

    2. Give 3 examples of Unmanageability: of trying to manage my addictive behavior. For example, I finished all my illict web site profiles with the resolution to stop completely, only to find myself registering on new explicit websites.

    3. Write a short paragraph of your Disease Progression, showing progress from how your addiction began to where it is today (Details are not as important as realizing the direction your behavior has taken you). For example, I started by fantasizing, progressed to viewing illicit material, compulsive dirty habits and so on.

    4. Give 3 examples of the costs of your compulsion. For eg. my addiction cost me my relationships with my wife and children, or my health etc.

    5. Sincerely answer this Question: If I do not stop, where will my addiction ultimately lead me?

    - Once you have answered, close the document or put away that piece of paper. Forget about it completely.

    - Then, re-open it 5-6 hours later, and read through it as if you are someone else.

    My friend...this is where you stand in the addiction story, and this is from where you will have to work your way up. The only way to reach the top and into light'n'freedom is by addressing the mental tendencies that brought your life to this point in the first place.

    And I'll tell you one thing for sure. This is not just a diagnosis, it is also a "sincerity test." The only reason you will do that exercise is if you are sincere in your intention to quit, sincere to your God, and most importantly, sincere to yourself. As Allah says "Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves." Don't let laziness stop you. My friend, we've had enough of these filthy thoughts damage our brain mercilessly, we've spent enough hours hurting our health through compulsive dirty habits, we've been away far too long from one day, just one day when we won't break any sexual rules as ordained by our beautiful religion. Let's change this condition. Let's identify and profile the problem, and let's transform it into an old forgotten chapter in the book of our life.

    I pray that Allah gives you shifa from compulsive behavior. Rememeber, Haya or modesty is one of the keys to success and barakah in life. As Allah mentions in Surah al A'raf, verse 96, "And if only the people of the cities had believed and adopted Taqwah, We would have opened upon them blessings from the heaven and the earth.."

    It's just that in the times we live in, with the fitnah of pornography and such stuff going around so easily, Taqwah has become a game with added requirements to protect ourselves. May Allah help you in your quest for sexual sobriety.


    My next post, Insha'Allah, will be on the topic of diets and foods that help control addictive behavior. These are daily foods that we ignore to take, and can help us seriously mitigate chemical imbalances that lead to sexual compulsion. I have seen scores of patients recovering faster than others, simply because they chose to stick to the dietary programs we advised them to.

    Any questions or guidance needed, I am always here Insha'Allah.
    Last edited by Mr.President; 12-07-14 at 10:15 AM.

  2. #41

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    Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

    “O Children of Adam! Wear your beautiful apparel at every time and place of prayer: Eat and drink: But waste not by excess, for Allah loveth not the wasters.” [Al-Quran 7:31]
    Me quitting!Kapish!!!

  3. #42

    Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

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    Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

  5. #44
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    Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

    Salaam brothers and sisters

    Have you ever contemplated the reason behind these perverted thoughts and actions could be the result of Jinn Aaseq?
    I'm not saying everyone doing this is posessed, but it wouldn't hurt listening to ruqya or having ruqya performed or even better performing self ruqya.
    Try searching youtube for a ruqya audio with keywords "ZINA"' or "FAHSHAA"

    Wa salaam




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