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  1. #1
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    Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    My husband spent time in his home country to take care of his sick father for several months. I didn’t realize that while he’s away he get in touch with his ex-girlfriend of more than 20 years ago (my husband is 47 years old and his ex-also 47 years old and never get married).

    When he’s back to USA, I saw a lot of different in his behavior and manner, he’s different from before he left USA about a few months ago. He has more temper than before.

    Then one day I saw the text from his ex-girl friend with inappropriate words, after that I realised that there are a lot of phone calls/texting either from this girl or from my husband to her.

    When I brought this issue to him, he said that we have to love someone because of Allah, since this girl has never been married in her life so my husband wants to give happiness to this girl by marrying her, on top of that this girl can also taking care of his elder parents, because I have job in USA, hence I would not be able to spend time to take care of his parent in his hometown, not like her ex-lover who can always visit and take care of his parent since they live not far from each other. I called his mom, his mom said that this girl frequently comes to their house to visit his sick father and massage his feet.

    My iman is not strong enough to face the reality that my husband will marry a second wife. I was thinking of asking for a divorce before, but I spoke to my mom and my mom said “no, please think about your children and let Allah decides what is the best for my family”, she said.

    What I have done to deserve this? I never had any affairs with other man in my life (before and after I married him). This reality is very difficult to swallow. Why he did this to me?

    Islamicly is it permissible for a husband to marry a second wife because this woman doesn’t have a husband yet?
    What is the right/strongreason for polygamy?.
    Should a man just ignore his wife feeling .. that by marrying this girl he will break his wife and his children heart?

    Since this girl is not his wife yet, Islamicly, is it lawful for my husband to talk with her over the phone, is this haram or no?

    I am seeking for your Islamic advise,
    jazakumullah khairan.
    Last edited by rabiah; 28-10-13 at 08:08 PM.

  2. #2
    pariah *asiya*'s Avatar
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    did u post this recently under a different user name ? we had the exact same thing last week and people did answer, insha Allah we can bump that thread there was a lot of good advices insha Allah
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


  3. #3
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    No this is the first time .. may be we have almost the same problem ..

  4. #4
    bows out Fairy's Avatar
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    If he wants to do it, he will do it.

    Make sure you tell him your rights as a wife. can he care for both of you financially and give you equal time?

    Sorry to hear that, sucks when uve been married for 20 years and then he springs that he has someone on the side. How hurtful for you.

    No he should not ignore that u are hurt. Def need to talk it out. Maybe the leader of the mosque can talk you both through it?
    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
    ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
    “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

  5. #5
    I dream, therefore I am.
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    nvm
    Last edited by Rebel101; 28-10-13 at 10:56 PM.






    ''Indeed! My Lord is near and responsive''

  6. #6
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    Sister, I feel your pain. You have no idea. The exact thing happened to me. I know how you hurt, how you feel betrayed. All I can say is pray to Allah, that is all I have done for the last three years begging Allah to bring an end to this affair, sending pictures back and forth, texting, calling all hours of the night. Well in May Allah did end it, they married. No matter what we pray for Allah know best. But if you need a shoulder, a friend please message me. Know dear sister you are not alone. I will pray for Allah to bring you peace. Jazakallah Karin, Allah Hafiz

  7. #7
    I dream, therefore I am.
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    Quote Originally Posted by @ngela View Post
    Sister, I feel your pain. You have no idea. The exact thing happened to me. I know how you hurt, how you feel betrayed. All I can say is pray to Allah, that is all I have done for the last three years begging Allah to bring an end to this affair, sending pictures back and forth, texting, calling all hours of the night. Well in May Allah did end it, they married. No matter what we pray for Allah know best. But if you need a shoulder, a friend please message me. Know dear sister you are not alone. I will pray for Allah to bring you peace. Jazakallah Karin, Allah Hafiz
    I love how patient you are!! Seriously, I would have walked out a long time ago. 3 years of husband chatting up a another women and doing haram. Heck no, not in my house. Men who do things like that make me so angry!! Where is the fear of Allah? Where is his ''Islam.'' Grrrrrrrrr May Allah bless you with Jannah ukhti, you are a rare gem to put up with that nonsense






    ''Indeed! My Lord is near and responsive''

  8. #8
    Odan
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    Quote Originally Posted by rabiah View Post
    My husband spent time in his home country to take care of his sick father for several months. I didn’t realize that while he’s away he get in touch with his ex-girlfriend of more than 20 years ago (my husband is 47 years old and his ex-also 47 years old and never get married).

    When he’s back to USA, I saw a lot of different in his behavior and manner, he’s different from before he left USA about a few months ago. He has more temper than before.

    Then one day I saw the text from his ex-girl friend with inappropriate words, after that I realised that there are a lot of phone calls/texting either from this girl or from my husband to her.

    When I brought this issue to him, he said that we have to love someone because of Allah, since this girl has never been married in her life so my husband wants to give happiness to this girl by marrying her, on top of that this girl can also taking care of his elder parents, because I have job in USA, hence I would not be able to spend time to take care of his parent in his hometown, not like her ex-lover who can always visit and take care of his parent since they live not far from each other. I called his mom, his mom said that this girl frequently comes to their house to visit his sick father and massage his feet.

    My iman is not strong enough to face the reality that my husband will marry a second wife. I was thinking of asking for a divorce before, but I spoke to my mom and my mom said “no, please think about your children and let Allah decides what is the best for my family”, she said.

    What I have done to deserve this? I never had any affairs with other man in my life (before and after I married him). This reality is very difficult to swallow. Why he did this to me?

    Islamicly is it permissible for a husband to marry a second wife because this woman doesn’t have a husband yet?
    What is the right/strongreason for polygamy?.
    Should a man just ignore his wife feeling .. that by marrying this girl he will break his wife and his children heart?

    Since this girl is not his wife yet, Islamicly, is it lawful for my husband to talk with her over the phone, is this haram or no?

    I am seeking for your Islamic advise,
    jazakumullah khairan.
    First of all nothing is right till the LORD decrees something as right and nothing is wrong till the LORD decrees something as wrong. Please take that into mind. Its time like these where I reflect on stories such as that of Yusuf and his patience. I modelise him, and other Muslims who faced difficulties and turned to their LORD. We have many people like that. Ayub , Asma bint Abu Bakr, Bilal ibn Rabah etc. When you ponder over their lives you begin to love and imitate them. And verily, the LORD is with the patient.

    First of all polygamy is permissible (and possibly recommended) if your husband can be just. His taking on another wife has nothing to do with your relationship to Allah .

    However two things:

    1. If you know he won't be fair then I wouldn't advise sticking around. And you yourself say he has more temper now that he has returned. This is a matter of concern.

    2. Also if it is a condition in your contract for him to not remarry then you must remind your husband that by violating the conditions of the contract he is committing a sin as violating oaths/promises are a major sin and on top of that the Prophet told us that the conditions which we have the most duty to fulfill are those on the marriage contract. (Note: In case its not a condition in your contract, I'd like to mention that this law also applies if the custom in your family is monogamy. Because in Islamic contract law we have a principle that "What is known by custom is the same as what is explicitly stated as a condition". So your family custom would become an implicit condition in the contract)

    If you do not fit into any of the categories above then you must be patient since this is your husband's right. If he fears falling into zina then you will be held accountable before the LORD if you stop him from marrying a second wife to keep away from the haram.
    Last edited by Repentant; 29-10-13 at 04:50 AM.
    [CENTER][I][B][FONT=times new roman][COLOR=#800000]"You must convince your heart that whatever Allah has decreed is most appropriate and most beneficial for you." ~ Imam Al Ghazali.[/COLOR][/FONT][COLOR=#800000]
    [/COLOR][FONT=verdana][COLOR=#0000cd][SIZE=3]
    [/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT][/B][/I][/CENTER]

  9. #9
    Saadiqul Qalb ❤ sunrise867's Avatar
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    Quote Originally Posted by @ngela View Post
    Sister, I feel your pain. You have no idea. The exact thing happened to me. I know how you hurt, how you feel betrayed. All I can say is pray to Allah, that is all I have done for the last three years begging Allah to bring an end to this affair, sending pictures back and forth, texting, calling all hours of the night. Well in May Allah did end it, they married. No matter what we pray for Allah know best. But if you need a shoulder, a friend please message me. Know dear sister you are not alone. I will pray for Allah to bring you peace. Jazakallah Karin, Allah Hafiz
    Subhan'Allah sis.. if I had an ounce of your sabr - your reward is in the hereafter if Allah wills (in'sha'Allah)!
    My agonising supplication is a witness to my poverty. You know my state and what has settled in my heart of agonies and preoccupations. Save me with Your gentleness.. before I run out of patience (with myself). O One who is swift in sending aid I ask for aid that will arrive to me swiftly..I’m standing by the door, so My Lord have mercy on my standing. There is a need in my soul, O Allah, so please fulfill it!

  10. #10
    what is Odan??? Muslima London's Avatar
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    He's ****- he deserves her
    She's not any better- she deserves him

    You my sister, whatever you decide. May Allah bless you for your patience
    Oh Allah keep my children smiling in this life and the next. keep them close to you always. Make them amongst those who are the most patient, themost grateful, the most forgiving and the most humble. Oh Allah make them amongst those who will receive your shade on that day. Ameen

  11. #11
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    "Then one day I saw the text from his ex-girl friend with inappropriate words" that alone would have been the end of everything for me!


    Quote Originally Posted by @ngela View Post
    Sister, I feel your pain. You have no idea. The exact thing happened to me. I know how you hurt, how you feel betrayed. All I can say is pray to Allah, that is all I have done for the last three years begging Allah to bring an end to this affair, sending pictures back and forth, texting, calling all hours of the night. Well in May Allah did end it, they married. No matter what we pray for Allah know best. But if you need a shoulder, a friend please message me. Know dear sister you are not alone. I will pray for Allah to bring you peace. Jazakallah Karin, Allah Hafiz
    the patience that you have is just so beautiful, I would never have been able to handle anything like that, like never! May Allah reward you for your actions amen..
    Last edited by *sheba*; 29-10-13 at 05:21 AM.

  12. #12
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    Quote Originally Posted by rabiah View Post
    My husband spent time in his home country to take care of his sick father for several months. I didn’t realize that while he’s away he get in touch with his ex-girlfriend of more than 20 years ago (my husband is 47 years old and his ex-also 47 years old and never get married).

    When he’s back to USA, I saw a lot of different in his behavior and manner, he’s different from before he left USA about a few months ago. He has more temper than before.

    Then one day I saw the text from his ex-girl friend with inappropriate words, after that I realised that there are a lot of phone calls/texting either from this girl or from my husband to her.

    When I brought this issue to him, he said that we have to love someone because of Allah, since this girl has never been married in her life so my husband wants to give happiness to this girl by marrying her, on top of that this girl can also taking care of his elder parents, because I have job in USA, hence I would not be able to spend time to take care of his parent in his hometown, not like her ex-lover who can always visit and take care of his parent since they live not far from each other. I called his mom, his mom said that this girl frequently comes to their house to visit his sick father and massage his feet.

    My iman is not strong enough to face the reality that my husband will marry a second wife. I was thinking of asking for a divorce before, but I spoke to my mom and my mom said “no, please think about your children and let Allah decides what is the best for my family”, she said.

    What I have done to deserve this? I never had any affairs with other man in my life (before and after I married him). This reality is very difficult to swallow. Why he did this to me?

    Islamicly is it permissible for a husband to marry a second wife because this woman doesn’t have a husband yet?
    What is the right/strongreason for polygamy?.
    Should a man just ignore his wife feeling .. that by marrying this girl he will break his wife and his children heart?

    Since this girl is not his wife yet, Islamicly, is it lawful for my husband to talk with her over the phone, is this haram or no?

    I am seeking for your Islamic advise,
    jazakumullah khairan.
    Ur in america. Not in pak. Know your rights. Tell him you will take his house, car and garnish his paycheck

  13. #13
    Troll Hunter Supreme Saif-Uddin's Avatar
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    Nauzubillah min zaliq,
    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

    "O followers of Muhammad! By Allah, if you knew what I know, you would weep much and laugh little."

    [Sahih Al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, Hadith no. 627]

    May Allah ta'ala join our beloved akhi Uncle-Umar (may Allah ta'ala have mercy upon him) with the Shuhada and grant him the Highest station in Jannatul Firdaus

    Ameen


    https://www.justgiving.com/FoodTruckForSyria/

  14. #14
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    nvm
    Last edited by *sheba*; 29-10-13 at 11:59 AM.

  15. #15
    مكنجي Mockingjay's Avatar
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    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    May Allah rectify your affairs and give you more sabr. I can't give you advice because I am not yet married. Moreover, I was raised in a monogamous family. So I really cannot imagine if this happens to my family or me. It must be heartbreaking. Every woman must be wanting to be the only one for her husband. But who knows what polyginy can bring. May be then you might learn tolerance, may be you can get closer to Allah because your burden to take care of your husband is lessened, may be then you can feel more love of your husband. Wallahu Alam. It is not an easy decision, I amsure. Discuss your right and his obligation in details. And obviously he should stop sending texts and calling her before he marries her, because it is haraam.
    ~ Don’t trade a house in Jannah , for a lowly house in this transient world ~

    “Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ― Oscar Wilde


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