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View Poll Results: Would you ever commit your relatives to a care ho? (Parents, aunts, uncles, children)

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  • I would put my relative in a home if they became a burden on me and my family

    1 5.88%
  • I would never put my relative in a care home no matter how much of a burden they were

    16 94.12%
Results 1 to 37 of 37
  1. #1
    Slave of AIIah |Sister|'s Avatar
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    Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    I was link surfing and came across a question about care homes. I'd like to know what you would do if your mother or father had dementia. My mother is severely ill and I could never imagine pawning her off just to make my life easier, especially after she spent 2 years changing my diapers and spit up, staying up all night when I was sick even though she had to work 2 jobs, 20+ years raising me and digging me out of the trouble I got myself into, dealt with my childhood tantrums, teenage rebellion (which was pretty bad), ect and still always took care of me when I was injured no matter how insane I drove her. I know that if I suddenly lost my mind she would still never put me in a home.

    Question:
    My mother and her sister both are terrified of Nursing homes. My mother is nearly 85 and when I can get her assets in order, I need to put her in a nursing home. Problem is, she still knows me, but doesn't recognize she is home, that my dad (her husband) has been dead nearly 16 years and her mama's been dead around ten years. She has difficulty speaking a complete sentence and identifying things, like her cigarette lighter. She can't drive, cook, or be trusted to take her meds correctly. BUT, legally, you can't put anyone in a nursing home who doesn't want to go. It's a good law, but not always the best thing for a person like my mother. I've been caring for her six years now and have finally come to terms with the fact she'd be better off and I would too if she were in a nursing home. How can I get her admitted when the time comes if she refuses? I've heard if she went into the hospital, I could refuse to take her back to her home since there's nobody to care for her. As for my aunt, she's a little more coherent than mama, but cannot drive to get groceries or her meds. She lives alone and her daughters have health issues of their own and can no longer take care of her, but she refuses to accept this and won't go to a nursing home. She's fallen several times and had to lay there till she could (painfully) get to a phone and call for help. But my aunt knows where she is and what day it is, etc. She is just too stuborn to go to a nursing home, believing it's her daughters' moral obligation to care for her, no matter how exhausted, overwhelmed or ill they are. But before their mother, I'm more concerned about how to get my own mother into a nursing home. She somehow can remember she can't be forced to go. We live in Texas. I know laws vary from state to state. I guess my main question is, if a person poses a threat to themselves, can't care for themselves, is there a legal way to have them commited to a nursing home? Hope I don't sound like I don't love her because I do.
    Here are some of the answers:
    Now the falls...by both of them. Fractured backs, fractured ankles, torn rotator cuffs, stitches from busted heads, bruises that are so deep they take MONTHS to heal... Why don't they receive the wake up call? Why don't they see how this affects my mother and me?
    Brooke..you are sacrificing your health and the wellbeing of your family for your grandparents. Get over the guilt and get on with your life! They are not able or even willing to help themselves. [...] You sound like a wonderful granddaughter and I sound very harsh; but your responsibility is to yourself, husband and daughter. You have done more than enough. Getting your education is the best thing you can do.
    More than enough? Throw them away and get on with your life? No matter how much you do for them you can never pay them back. Alhamdulillah for Islam. I can't help hoping their children abandon them the same way when they are too aged and ill to work. Is this how we get repaid for spending 3 or 4 decades of our lives caring for children? They rebel when they are teenagers and throw us away the second we become a 'burden'.

  2. #2
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Care homes,nursing homes,old age homes......very bad because every man wants to live with his family if anybody sends him or her to a care home,nursing home,old age home he or she will fill lonely.

  3. #3
    Odan
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Personally i have always wanted someone old to be living with me in my house (like my grandfather or grandfather), you can gain so many rewards by serving them and at the same time their company is something to be grateful for.

  4. #4
    YOUR FAVOURITE AKHI 2016 Magic.'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by abc123d View Post
    Personally i have always wanted someone old to be living with me in my house (like my grandfather or grandfather), you can gain so many rewards by serving them and at the same time their company is something to be grateful for.
    List some please.

  5. #5
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    25% of the staff in our home are good 75% are lazy, rough with the elderly and neglectful of them feeding and changing them etc. Even if it was a really good reason to place a old person there, I still wish people didn't have to.



  6. #6
    Senior Member Nashwa bint zayed's Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    The people that are in care homes are someone's parents, grandparents, aunt, uncle, sibling and Islam teaches us to take care of our parents especially in old age. I can't stand the thought of any one of my family members being in a care home, no matter what the work load involves I would take care of them myself. My mother takes care of my grand mother although she is in Ill Heath herself May Allah reward her Ameen, and I intend to do the same for my mother.

    It's disgusting how these people treat their family members and see them as burdens as though they will never age and need the same assistance, even some Muslim families do this subhaan Allah just sad.
    Whoever Allah wishes good for, He inflicts him (with hardship). [Bukhari]

  7. #7
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by Umm Anwar View Post
    The people that are in care homes are someone's parents, grandparents, aunt, uncle, sibling and Islam teaches us to take care of our parents especially in old age. I can't stand the thought of any one of my family members being in a care home, no matter what the work load involves I would take care of them myself. My mother takes care of my grand mother although she is in Ill Heath herself May Allah reward her Ameen, and I intend to do the same for my mother.

    It's disgusting how these people treat their family members and see them as burdens as though they will never age and need the same assistance, even some Muslim families do this subhaan Allah just sad.
    Our is 137 bed home and we have no Muslim residents in there الحمد لله . Reason I know is that I tried to get a Imam in to do a talk for the residents and the Imam said sure he would pleased to come but the care home said sure, but only if two residents or more want it. I couldn't even find one Muslim resident!



  8. #8
    Odan ceeri_sista's Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    They make me feel so depressed. Kinda scared too even though I don't have kids.

    I feel like that is what results in drastic acceleration of brain degenerative diseases. My great grant mother Allah yerhamha (May Allah have mercy on her) was very active. She was known in the community, and was very active. I don't think she would have been as joyful or healthy if she was taken to a care home.

    I feel like our brains just like our bodies waste away when we have little to do. And when we seclude ourselves/ are secluded our health plummets.

    There was a study I read about how inhabitants of high altitudes that moved around a lot, and maneuvered objects on rough terrain had less bone loss than other elderly people. Mainly because their muscle mass wasn't wasting away, their bones remained healthy. And they were also generally healthier.

    Sorry for going off topic. But I feel like the downward spiral towards worse health starts when people take their parents to those care homes.
    Constant interaction with people (especially family) is far more beneficial than taking them to live under conditions that would be less than pleasant even if they maybe comfortable.

    I mean the least they could do is maybe get a nurse to check up on the parent. Why take them so far away? It makes me feel so sad, I seek refuge in Allah from that.

    All thoughts/hypotheses stated above are my own. :s

  9. #9
    جبريل -Jibril-'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    I'm seeing some double standards here, let me explain:

    When a non Muslim sends their parents to a nursin home, its looked down upon and they are judged very harshly.

    When a Muslim man is asked/demanded that he makes sure his wife and kids come before his parents, then that is applauded.

    Whats so different? they're in a nursing home, whilst the Muslim parents live alone and have no one, since Abu Inaaya has to move out with wifey and tend to her "Islamic rights".

    We aint no different from kuffar in this sense and I think it's straight up hypocrisy when we judge them for doin this.

    Being dutiful to your parents comes directly after worshippin Allah.


    My apologies, this subject brings out the worst in me.

    I ask Allah that He helps us be dutiful to our parents, be a source of peace for them and treat them as they should be treated.


    Your children will treat you in the same manner that you treated your parents.
    There is rest only in the aakhira.
    Man will rest in the aakhira according to how hard he strives in dunya.

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  10. #10
    Slave of AIIah |Sister|'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by -Jibril- View Post
    Whats so different? they're in a nursing home, whilst the Muslim parents live alone and have no one, since Abu Inaaya has to move out with wifey and tend to her "Islamic rights".
    Honestly, I would rather live alone in my home until I die in it, than be stuck in a nursing home with no rights being patronized and ordered around like an invalid three year old. Being forced to wear diapers and told when to eat, when i'm "allowed" to bathe, what friends i'm "allowed" to have, when i'm "allowed" to go outside. Living at home alone is a dream compared to that nightmare. Why not just send old folks to prison?

  11. #11
    جبريل -Jibril-'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    Honestly, I would rather live alone in my home until I die in it, than be stuck in a nursing home with no rights being patronized and ordered around like an invalid three year old. Being forced to wear diapers and told when to eat, when i'm "allowed" to bathe, what friends i'm "allowed" to have, when i'm "allowed" to go outside. Living at home alone is a dream compared to that nightmare. Why not just send old folks to prison?
    Both are bad, why be alone when you have family?

    Thats my point.
    There is rest only in the aakhira.
    Man will rest in the aakhira according to how hard he strives in dunya.

    - Khaalid Ibn Al Waleed (ra) -

    If you find yourself in a time where speech is regarded as knowledge,
    and knowledge is regarded as deeds,
    then you are in the worst of times, with the worst of people.

    - Abu Hazim Al Ashja'i (ra) -

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  12. #12
    ssh's Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    Honestly, I would rather live alone in my home until I die in it, than be stuck in a nursing home with no rights being patronized and ordered around like an invalid three year old. Being forced to wear diapers and told when to eat, when i'm "allowed" to bathe, what friends i'm "allowed" to have, when i'm "allowed" to go outside. Living at home alone is a dream compared to that nightmare. Why not just send old folks to prison?
    It's different here in the uk, there are mandatory person centred care plans that you will be dismissed for crossing that line. Residents can go to bed and get up when they please. They can use the garden when they ask to or if they are mobile they can walk where they want and eat when they want and also whatever they want (unless they are undereating and losing weight). CQC come and spot check regularly and you be surprised the charts we have to fill out every hour for every resident and there are lots of residents each with several from food charts, fluid charts, behaviour charts and incontinence charts etc. but really, the residents get to decide a lot as they should do. Ther're adults with a disease not babies, I agree with you.

    The private companies expect so much work from the staff for like 6.60 per hour and they put the least amount of staff on as possible, meaning that you are always understaffed. THATS why staff get lazy and neglectful (mostly) because they are run off their feet 12 hour shifts cleaning up poop and sick then they get slain for not filling out paperwork on time. So the good practice rules are there from the authorities that produce the rules but, the private companies that employ the staff make it impossible almost, for people to do the job properly.

    I am considered really good worker by the others but a slow worker.

    But I don't care because I want to do stuff properly.



  13. #13

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    what about if your parent has cancer or has to go bathroom in a diaper? or doesn't even know who u r or they scream and yell and are afraid? is there no reason to have someone help you care for them? im sure not all nursing homes are bad im sure theres really good ones right?

  14. #14
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by *Aisha View Post
    what about if your parent has cancer or has to go bathroom in a diaper? or doesn't even know who u r or they scream and yell and are afraid? is there no reason to have someone help you care for them? im sure not all nursing homes are bad im sure theres really good ones right?
    Very few. Small private run ones are the best. Mostly all the large ones are run by companies wanting to make profit and that's all their motivation so, the same will apply to them as what I have written.

    If I had to place someone in there. I would visit without notice, ask to see charts of my family member, stay for more than a hour (to see if anyone comes to check on them or change them) place a small camera clock in their room. Visit them at other random times. The best time for a family member to visit would be 6pm as after supper staff are pressed for time to get everything done before end of shift.

    If you do all that, then you should be ok.



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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    They recently put out a documentary on the mistreatment of elderly people in nursing homes... Scary stuff, my mom is in her forties so she is a long way away from that, but I would never be able to throw her in one of those places.

  16. #16
    truth. beauty. justice.
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    "Homes for the aged go together with children's homes. They belong to the same order of things, and are in fact, two states of the same solution. Children's homes and homes for the aged remind us of artificial birth and artificial death. Both are characterized by the presence of comfort and by the absence of love and warmth. Both are opposed to the family and are the result of the changed role of woman in human life. Their common feature is the elimination of parental relationships: in a nursery, children are without parents; in homes for the aged, parents are without children. Both are the "marvelous" products of civilization and ideals of each utopia." Alija Izetbegovic, rahimahullah

  17. #17
    Slave of AIIah |Sister|'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by *Aisha View Post
    what about if your parent has cancer or has to go bathroom in a diaper? or doesn't even know who u r or they scream and yell and are afraid? is there no reason to have someone help you care for them? im sure not all nursing homes are bad im sure theres really good ones right?
    This quadriplegic brother, Abdullah, talks about it. May Allah reward him and his family the highest place in jannah.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkB7mjxiq5I

    "What can I say about my mother? No matter how much I talk, I won't do her justice. If I would tell you of one time only, I have one wish in my heart and it's to serve her (to do her justice). Not just any time, but in every purpose and occasion. To hug her. Praise be to Allah. The holidays or an occasion would come, and my mother would feel more grief than me. But if I asked all of you right now, when was the last time you hugged your mother? You, who are in front of me, and you who are watching this through the TV. When was the last time you hugged your mother? Alhamdulillah. My mother had grief inside of her, telling me— One day when we went to Haram (the sacred masjid), Alhamdulillah— She said to me: 'I wish that one day I enter the haram and you are holding me, helping me do tawwaf'. Alhamdulillah.

    I tell you now, imagine that you are not able to go to the toilet for five days. Five days without being able to go to the toilet. What will you do? Huh? Answer me. Take laxatives? And you take the laxatives but nothing comes out? What will you do? You'll go to the hospital. Now you can't go to the toilet for ten days, what will you do? A hospital. Now I, for sixteen years, have not been able to go to the toilet except every ten days, every twelve days. How do I do it? Every ten days I go to the hospital?! I have my mother! May Allah give her well-being. She removes what is in my bowel with her own hands. (he stammers). What's inside my bowel, she removes with her own hands. Who would do this for you other than your own mother? And you prefer your wife over your mother! Alhamdulillah. Or you prefer your son over your mother! You prefer your friend over your mother! Alhamdulillah.

    Why are our hearts so hardened? O Allah have mercy on us, by thy mercy. A woman phoned me and I was giving a lecture. She said 'I want to talk to Abdullah'. My friend Khalid answered the phone and said "'Mother', Abdullah is a little busy'. She said 'I ask you, by Allah, to tell him— I ask you, 'Son', to tell him that if Abdullah is deprived from hugging is father and mother, that I have my sons with me, but I am deprived of their hugs, and they suffer from nothing (they are healthy). None of them comes to hug me, their hearts are hardened."

    Be careful of your duty to Allah. 'Stay by her (your mother's) feet, because that is where paradise is (to be gained)', said the Prophet(saw). And you act boldly against your mother and father?! And you are dutiful to your buddies and friends?! (he tells a poetry story). My brothers, whoever has a bad relationship with his mother or father, I am an argument for him or against him (in front of Allah). From now, he should declare repentance between himself and Allah; And if he wants to leave this gathering or leave from in front of the TV, he should go and greet his mother's hands and feet, and repent to Allah! O Allah forgive us."
    Last edited by |Sister|; 03-07-13 at 05:26 PM.

  18. #18
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Just thinking about this makes me feel so sad, inshallah Allah will not place my parents in such a situation and if it does happen i really pray that Allah makes me capable and worthy enough to take care or them no matter how tough it is, imagine being in that situation yourself when you are old and you are sent to a nursing home so sad may Allah protect us all from the difficulties of old age

  19. #19
    جبريل -Jibril-'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Bought tears to my eyes.
    May Allah give him and his mother jannah.

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    This quadriplegic brother, Abdullah, talks about it. May Allah reward him and his family the highest place in jannah.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkB7mjxiq5I

    "What can I say about my mother? No matter how much I talk, I won't do her justice. If I would tell you of one time only, I have one wish in my heart and it's to serve her (to do her justice). Not just any time, but in every purpose and occasion. To hug her. Praise be to Allah. The holidays or an occasion would come, and my mother would feel more grief than me. But if I asked all of you right now, when was the last time you hugged your mother? You, who are in front of me, and you who are watching this through the TV. When was the last time you hugged your mother? Alhamdulillah. My mother had grief inside of her, telling me— One day when we went to Haram (the sacred masjid), Alhamdulillah— She said to me: 'I wish that one day I enter the haram and you are holding me, helping me do tawwaf'. Alhamdulillah.

    I tell you now, imagine that you are not able to go to the toilet for five days. Five days without being able to go to the toilet. What will you do? Huh? Answer me. Take laxatives? And you take the laxatives but nothing comes out? What will you do? You'll go to the hospital. Now you can't go to the toilet for ten days, what will you do? A hospital. Now I, for sixteen years, have not been able to go to the toilet except every ten days, every twelve days. How do I do it? Every ten days I go to the hospital?! I have my mother! May Allah give her well-being. She removes what is in my bowel with her own hands. (he stammers). What's inside my bowel, she removes with her own hands. Who would do this for you other than your own mother? And you prefer your wife over your mother! Alhamdulillah. Or you prefer your son over your mother! You prefer your friend over your mother! Alhamdulillah.

    Why are our hearts so hardened? O Allah have mercy on us, by thy mercy. A woman phoned me and I was giving a lecture. She said 'I want to talk to Abdullah'. My friend Khalid answered the phone and said "'Mother', Abdullah is a little busy'. She said 'I ask you, by Allah, to tell him— I ask you, 'Son', to tell him that if Abdullah is deprived from hugging is father and mother, that I have my sons with me, but I am deprived of their hugs, and they suffer from nothing (they are healthy). None of them comes to hug me, their hearts are hardened."

    Be careful of your duty to Allah. 'Stay by her (your mother's) feet, because that is where paradise is (to be gained)', said the Prophet(saw). And you act boldly against your mother and father?! And you are dutiful to your buddies and friends?! (he tells a poetry story). My brothers, whoever has a bad relationship with his mother or father, I am an argument for him or against him (in front of Allah). From now, he should declare repentance between himself and Allah; And if he wants to leave this gathering or leave from in front of the TV, he should go and greet his mother's hands and feet, and repent to Allah! O Allah forgive us."
    There is rest only in the aakhira.
    Man will rest in the aakhira according to how hard he strives in dunya.

    - Khaalid Ibn Al Waleed (ra) -

    If you find yourself in a time where speech is regarded as knowledge,
    and knowledge is regarded as deeds,
    then you are in the worst of times, with the worst of people.

    - Abu Hazim Al Ashja'i (ra) -

    I saw a dog without any clothes on .
    That's right, a nude dog.
    The Deepweb is disgusting.
    - Unknown -


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  20. #20
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    This quadriplegic brother, Abdullah, talks about it. May Allah reward him and his family the highest place in jannah.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkB7mjxiq5I

    "What can I say about my mother? No matter how much I talk, I won't do her justice. If I would tell you of one time only, I have one wish in my heart and it's to serve her (to do her justice). Not just any time, but in every purpose and occasion. To hug her. Praise be to Allah. The holidays or an occasion would come, and my mother would feel more grief than me. But if I asked all of you right now, when was the last time you hugged your mother? You, who are in front of me, and you who are watching this through the TV. When was the last time you hugged your mother? Alhamdulillah. My mother had grief inside of her, telling me— One day when we went to Haram (the sacred masjid), Alhamdulillah— She said to me: 'I wish that one day I enter the haram and you are holding me, helping me do tawwaf'. Alhamdulillah.

    I tell you now, imagine that you are not able to go to the toilet for five days. Five days without being able to go to the toilet. What will you do? Huh? Answer me. Take laxatives? And you take the laxatives but nothing comes out? What will you do? You'll go to the hospital. Now you can't go to the toilet for ten days, what will you do? A hospital. Now I, for sixteen years, have not been able to go to the toilet except every ten days, every twelve days. How do I do it? Every ten days I go to the hospital?! I have my mother! May Allah give her well-being. She removes what is in my bowel with her own hands. (he stammers). What's inside my bowel, she removes with her own hands. Who would do this for you other than your own mother? And you prefer your wife over your mother! Alhamdulillah. Or you prefer your son over your mother! You prefer your friend over your mother! Alhamdulillah.

    Why are our hearts so hardened? O Allah have mercy on us, by thy mercy. A woman phoned me and I was giving a lecture. She said 'I want to talk to Abdullah'. My friend Khalid answered the phone and said "'Mother', Abdullah is a little busy'. She said 'I ask you, by Allah, to tell him— I ask you, 'Son', to tell him that if Abdullah is deprived from hugging is father and mother, that I have my sons with me, but I am deprived of their hugs, and they suffer from nothing (they are healthy). None of them comes to hug me, their hearts are hardened."

    Be careful of your duty to Allah. 'Stay by her (your mother's) feet, because that is where paradise is (to be gained)', said the Prophet(saw). And you act boldly against your mother and father?! And you are dutiful to your buddies and friends?! (he tells a poetry story). My brothers, whoever has a bad relationship with his mother or father, I am an argument for him or against him (in front of Allah). From now, he should declare repentance between himself and Allah; And if he wants to leave this gathering or leave from in front of the TV, he should go and greet his mother's hands and feet, and repent to Allah! O Allah forgive us."
    Proper amazing.

    جزاك الله خيرا



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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    what a koinkadink, I just seen this on twitter

    BMKiE2fCAAA_gDh.jpgBMKeBv8CMAEQoah.jpg

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    I wouldn't. If it's family then no. I'm sure I'd reschedule some stuff and my priorities will chang and a different outlook would also contribute in accepting this. But no I'm not a fan of it. Unless I myself need care and couldn't care for them and someone else would do a better job, then that's different but whilst I'm in good physical and mental shape then I'll do my bit. It'll be a struggle but one that I will do, may Allah give our parents good health ameen.

    I wish my uncle could stay with us here, I'd look after him (he's not in a care home an lives with his children).

    Plus if we want Jannah or love our parents/relatives and if we see the reward then that can be the pull factor which would draw us to wanting to help them.

    لا تفكر كثيرا
    بل استغفر كثيرا

    -------------------------------------------------------
    The children need your prayers more than anyone else
    -------------------------------------------------------
    www.inheritorsofquran.wordpress.com

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    My grandmother had severe dementia and Alzheimer, and she passed away last winter, May Allah swt forgive her sins and grant her the highest abode in Jannah. S

    Her children ( my mom and her siblings) and the rest of the family ( myself, brothers/sisters,cousins/) took care of her. It was the greatest blessing for all of us. Everyone was obsessed but especially her kids ( my mom and aunt,uncles), like they were really obsessed with her it was cute.

    It's alot of work, but when it comes to family i believe that we take care of our own, not let strangers take care of them for us.

    Although none of us (brothers & sister) really grew up with my grandma , she became more beloved to us than anyone. (well that was the case with everyone) This woman was mashallah!! Those ( i mean my cousins, she raised them back home ) that didn't get a chance to care for her when she was alive feel guilty to this day...and although i came into her life a bit late i thank Allah swt that it wasn't too late,that i had the chance to bond with her, alhamdulilah.

    Insha'Allah my mom will be staying with one of us, not in a home and i hope that my children do the same with me , if not well..insha'Allah it won't come to that. I work in a place like that and it's sad subhanallah. How your own kids can not only leave you in a place like that but also simply forget about you I wouldn't wish that upon anyone, it's a lonely existence.
    "I love the righteous, though Im not one of them,
    Perhaps I will gain their mediation for me.
    And I hate those whose trade is sin,
    Though we may both have the same merchandise!" Imam Al Shafi'i

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    Sit on my sofa I dare you chameleon's Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    This is a very sensitive subject. Until people have been in that situation they can never appreciate how difficult it is for the carer of the old person. Everyone can quote Hadith until their mouths go dry but when faced with the anguish of looking after for example an elderly parent, things are not so clear cut.

    An acquaintance of a friend of mine was faced with this dilemma. He had lived with his wife, kids and elderly parents right from the start. His mother died, a few years later his father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That is a horrible disease. Gradually a person loses their memory, forgets how to go to the toilet, forgets even how to eat..!!! The son had to juggle a full time job and still provide the personal care. Sure, his wife and kids helped but how could they take care of the old man's toiletry and bathing needs? Only a man should do that. In the UK, the local council can provide care workers to visit a few times a day to take care of toiletry and eating needs. But the biggest problem the son faced was at night. Every couple of hours the old man would start screaming and shouting for him, start beating him one minute, crying the next minute like a baby. Sometimes he couldn't even recognise his son. All this stress took its toll on the son, he started going sick from work and almost had a nervous breakdown. His siblings weren't really very helpful, they were too busy with their own families and didn't live local. But that's a separate issue.

    In the end, for the sake of his and his family's well being and sanity, the son had to finally concede that he could no longer look after his father and reluctantly put him into a residential care home. Luckily the one he found was run by a muslim couple. He visits his father every day for a couple of hours. The father Alhamdolillah is stable and appears content. He sometimes recognises his son, sometimes doesn't.

    Wallahi, it is a distressing subject. May the Almighty protect everyone.

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    Honestly, I would rather live alone in my home until I die in it, than be stuck in a nursing home with no rights being patronized and ordered around like an invalid three year old. Being forced to wear diapers and told when to eat, when i'm "allowed" to bathe, what friends i'm "allowed" to have, when i'm "allowed" to go outside. Living at home alone is a dream compared to that nightmare. Why not just send old folks to prison?
    They do have rights, they are just dependant on others instead of family. In a place like that you have the right to refuse treatment, or foods that you don't like and so on..it works for those that have no family and aren't able to take care of themselves, so living alone would be worse than living there because at least in a facility like that you would have people to care for you. IF you are at home with no family/friends to care for you who will help you if something happens? Who will you talk to?

    .As for ''briefs''...if you have no control you have to wear it..it's better to wear that then to make a mess in public.
    "I love the righteous, though Im not one of them,
    Perhaps I will gain their mediation for me.
    And I hate those whose trade is sin,
    Though we may both have the same merchandise!" Imam Al Shafi'i

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by *Aisha View Post
    what about if your parent has cancer or has to go bathroom in a diaper? or doesn't even know who u r or they scream and yell and are afraid? is there no reason to have someone help you care for them? im sure not all nursing homes are bad im sure theres really good ones right?
    You only hear about the bad stories but there are more good then bad out there..well where i live. It's okay to get help, one can't take care of them alone ( well you can but it will be hard) it takes a team.
    "I love the righteous, though Im not one of them,
    Perhaps I will gain their mediation for me.
    And I hate those whose trade is sin,
    Though we may both have the same merchandise!" Imam Al Shafi'i

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by chameleon View Post
    This is a very sensitive subject. Until people have been in that situation they can never appreciate how difficult it is for the carer of the old person. Everyone can quote Hadith until their mouths go dry but when faced with the anguish of looking after for example an elderly parent, things are not so clear cut.

    An acquaintance of a friend of mine was faced with this dilemma. He had lived with his wife, kids and elderly parents right from the start. His mother died, a few years later his father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That is a horrible disease. Gradually a person loses their memory, forgets how to go to the toilet, forgets even how to eat..!!! The son had to juggle a full time job and still provide the personal care. Sure, his wife and kids helped but how could they take care of the old man's toiletry and bathing needs? Only a man should do that. In the UK, the local council can provide care workers to visit a few times a day to take care of toiletry and eating needs. But the biggest problem the son faced was at night. Every couple of hours the old man would start screaming and shouting for him, start beating him one minute, crying the next minute like a baby. Sometimes he couldn't even recognise his son. All this stress took its toll on the son, he started going sick from work and almost had a nervous breakdown. His siblings weren't really very helpful, they were too busy with their own families and didn't live local. But that's a separate issue.

    In the end, for the sake of his and his family's well being and sanity, the son had to finally concede that he could no longer look after his father and reluctantly put him into a residential care home. Luckily the one he found was run by a muslim couple. He visits his father every day for a couple of hours. The father Alhamdolillah is stable and appears content. He sometimes recognises his son, sometimes doesn't.

    Wallahi, it is a distressing subject. May the Almighty protect everyone.
    Ameen.

    I'm happy he was able to find one where muslims were running the place mashAllah. In this case it worked out for them both so alhamdulilah.
    "I love the righteous, though Im not one of them,
    Perhaps I will gain their mediation for me.
    And I hate those whose trade is sin,
    Though we may both have the same merchandise!" Imam Al Shafi'i

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    Slave of AIIah |Sister|'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by chameleon View Post
    This is a very sensitive subject. Until people have been in that situation they can never appreciate how difficult it is for the carer of the old person. Everyone can quote Hadith until their mouths go dry but when faced with the anguish of looking after for example an elderly parent, things are not so clear cut.
    Yes, yes, we all know of the elaborate excuses and unique scenarios that people present to try and defend these prisons. These things may happen once in a while, but most of the time it's just excuses to get rid of the old inconvenient pack member who is slowing down the herd. Kind of reminds me how they used to forcibly commit people against their will, giving them lobotomies and hysterectomies to try and cure their "awkwardness".

    Quote Originally Posted by sims View Post
    They do have rights, they are just dependant on others instead of family. In a place like that you have the right to refuse treatment, or foods that you don't like and so on..it works for those that have no family and aren't able to take care of themselves, so living alone would be worse than living there because at least in a facility like that you would have people to care for you. IF you are at home with no family/friends to care for you who will help you if something happens? Who will you talk to?

    .As for ''briefs''...if you have no control you have to wear it..it's better to wear that then to make a mess in public.
    Not here. My cousin's grandfather (who was very close to the family) was forced into a care home against his will, even though it's "illegal". He had lost his tongue to cancer and was unable to object. His son forced him to sign the papers, took all his belongings, sold his property, and abandoned him there. When we would visit him he would cry and beg us to take him away, but as he got older it began being harder for him to write.

    I can't imagine being trapped inside a body that can no longer communicate. When I confronted the nurses about his bruises I was threatened not to return to the facility by request of "immediate family" (his son, my aunts ex husband). He died alone and in pain, because his son refused to pay for any more operations that very well could have saved his life. He succumbed to his cancer at 98 years old. But not before being locked in that horrid place drove him into a deep depression. The last time I saw him he was crying and talking to himself, and he didn't have dementia. I'm convinced that being locked up and neglected by everyone drove him a little insane.

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post


    Not here. My cousin's grandfather (who was very close to the family) was forced into a care home against his will, even though it's "illegal". He had lost his tongue to cancer and was unable to object. His son forced him to sign the papers, took all his belongings, sold his property, and abandons him there. When we would visit him he would cry and beg us to take him away, but as he got older it began being harder for him to write.

    I can't imagine being trapped inside a body that can no longer communicate. When I confronted the nurses about his bruises I was threatened not to return to the facility by request of "immediate family" (his son, my aunts ex husband). He died alone and in pain, because his son refused to pay for any more operations that very well could have saved his life. He succumbed to his cancer at 98 years old. But not before being locked in that horrid place drove him into a deep depression. The last time I saw him he was crying and talking to himself, and he didn't have dementia. I'm convinced that being locked up and neglected by everyone drove him a little insane.
    Subhanallah, may Allah swt grant him Jannatul Firdous. That is cruel and inhuman, I just don't get how someone can do that..Like i said earlier i wouldn't wish that upon anyone..
    Last edited by sims; 03-07-13 at 10:11 PM.
    "I love the righteous, though Im not one of them,
    Perhaps I will gain their mediation for me.
    And I hate those whose trade is sin,
    Though we may both have the same merchandise!" Imam Al Shafi'i

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    Slave of AIIah |Sister|'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by sims View Post
    Subhanallah, may Allah swt grant him the Jannatul Firdous. That is cruel and inhuman, I just don't get how someone can do that..Like i said earlier i wouldn't wish that upon anyone..
    He was not a Muslim. I don't know if he had ever heard of Islam, Allahu A'lam. His fate is with Allah now. Every single friend and family member I have had go into a nursing home did not come out alive and were abused or neglected in some way. All of them were bullied into selling their belongings and going into the home to make life easier on their so-called "family". Some people can be so selfish, lazy and evil, it's pathetic really. Just wait when it's their turn for the abuse and neglect, none of us stay young forever. The only thing worse than a care home would be staying at home abused by your son (my ex-neighbor) or having all your belongings stolen and you kicked out to live on the street (a homeless woman in my city shelter told me her children did this to her).

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    i think it really depends on the situation. i would never put my parents in a home simply for the crime of being old, but there are situations where transferring care to a proper facility is the best thing to do.

    my uncle had very severe Alzheimer's and my aunt was the only one able to care for him. it got to the point where he was unpredictable, violent, soiling himself on the sofa and she had to job of cleaning him up and keeping him cared for at the extent of everything else. she never put him in a home - she always said she would consider it only when he had forgotten who she was, but he died before that point. its easier when you have a support network of family etc, but people also need to realise they are not superman and are not trained nurses.

    ive made it clear to my partner that once we marry etc, we are both agreed that if anything happens to our parents, we will do the upmost to get them to live with us and care for them. but we also need to recognise that if they become so infirm that our family and themselves suffer due to our inadequate care ability, we have to make the best choice for them.

    it also depends on the parents choice, i know my mum would expect us to look after her. my dad would rather die than have us clean him after going to the loo.

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    He was not a Muslim. I don't know if he had ever heard of Islam, Allahu A'lam. His fate is with Allah now. Every single friend and family member I have had go into a nursing home did not come out alive and were abused or neglected in some way. All of them were bullied into selling their belongings and going into the home to make life easier on their so-called "family". Some people can be so selfish, lazy and evil, it's pathetic really. Just wait when it's their turn for the abuse and neglect, none of us stay young forever. The only thing worse than a care home would be staying at home abused by your son (my ex-neighbor) or having all your belongings stolen and you kicked out to live on the street (a homeless woman in my city shelter told me her children did this to her).
    No words to describe these type of people who take advantage or their own blood.
    "I love the righteous, though Im not one of them,
    Perhaps I will gain their mediation for me.
    And I hate those whose trade is sin,
    Though we may both have the same merchandise!" Imam Al Shafi'i

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by _Ruby_ View Post
    i think it really depends on the situation. i would never put my parents in a home simply for the crime of being old, but there are situations where transferring care to a proper facility is the best thing to do.

    my uncle had very severe Alzheimer's and my aunt was the only one able to care for him. it got to the point where he was unpredictable, violent, soiling himself on the sofa and she had to job of cleaning him up and keeping him cared for at the extent of everything else. she never put him in a home - she always said she would consider it only when he had forgotten who she was, but he died before that point. its easier when you have a support network of family etc, but people also need to realise they are not superman and are not trained nurses.

    ive made it clear to my partner that once we marry etc, we are both agreed that if anything happens to our parents, we will do the upmost to get them to live with us and care for them. but we also need to recognise that if they become so infirm that our family and themselves suffer due to our inadequate care ability, we have to make the best choice for them.

    it also depends on the parents choice, i know my mum would expect us to look after her. my dad would rather die than have us clean him after going to the loo.
    It doesn't have to be just you and your partner caring for them, you can hire nurses that come for a couple hours a couple times a week so you can both relax a bit
    "I love the righteous, though Im not one of them,
    Perhaps I will gain their mediation for me.
    And I hate those whose trade is sin,
    Though we may both have the same merchandise!" Imam Al Shafi'i

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    non muslim _Ruby_'s Avatar
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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by sims View Post
    It doesn't have to be just you and your partner caring for them, you can hire nurses that come for a couple hours a couple times a week so you can both relax a bit
    thats true, in fact, my partner currently rents a flat from a couple who need round the clock carers to come and look after them. carers are wonderful, but their home isnt equipped with the things they need to move around properly, so there have been a few evenings while we have had to help while they call an ambulance after a fall.

    i dont think its an easy choice for any family (barring those who are disgusting, money grabbers). my dad is 20 years older than my mum, so i hope against hope he never reaches the stage we cant care for him. my parter knows the moment my mum is a widow and feels lonely, she is living with us to to be surrounded by family/grandkids/love.

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by sims View Post
    They do have rights, they are just dependant on others instead of family. In a place like that you have the right to refuse treatment, or foods that you don't like and so on..it works for those that have no family and aren't able to take care of themselves, so living alone would be worse than living there because at least in a facility like that you would have people to care for you. IF you are at home with no family/friends to care for you who will help you if something happens? Who will you talk to?

    .As for ''briefs''...if you have no control you have to wear it..it's better to wear that then to make a mess in public.
    Their "rights" are not heard and there is no way to enforce those rights when someone has dementia. If they have no family or friends to visit them, they are at the mercy of the person who is on shift. It doesn't work for most people, they tolerate being there but they are bored out of their skull mostly and often depressed, even with the best care I can give on a day shift, I still can't relieve their isolation and boredom from 6am when they usually get up, until 8pm when they all usually go to bed. They stare out of a window looking at the sky, that's it. Oh with one half hour activity....sometimes....if the staff have got time, which isn't usual.

    One of the things that keeps me working in this job is that these people have got noone and I know what that feels like.

    One of the things that attracted me to Islam was that people look after their families on the whole.

    One of the things that I HATE with my whole heart about Christians is that majority of people in my unit are from Christian communities. They have a vicar or priest come in once a month and give them (that are in that religion) the wine and bread, say a short prayer and they call that love. I call that kind of love... Living Of Veiled Evil... because people show a cover of something that is deceptive because underneath there is deep selfishness and evil to the other person who is vulnerable. Christians even have a verse in their bible about it in James 1:27 where it says that pure religion is to look after widows and orphans. That is in their bible supposedly from God...... and they do absolutely nothing about it for the most of parts.


    sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant uh
    Last edited by ssh; 03-07-13 at 10:45 PM. Reason: to apologise



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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    Quote Originally Posted by ssh View Post
    Their "rights" are not heard and there is no way to enforce those rights when someone has dementia. If they have no family or friends to visit them, they are at the mercy of the person who is on shift. It doesn't work for most people, they tolerate being there but they are bored out of their skull mostly and often depressed, even with the best care I can give on a day shift, I still can't relieve their isolation and boredom from 6am when they usually get up, until 8pm when they all usually go to bed. They stare out of a window looking at the sky, that's it. Oh with one half hour activity....sometimes....if the staff have got time, which isn't usual.

    One of the things that keeps me working in this job is that these people have got noone and I know what that feels like.

    One of the things that attracted me to Islam was that people look after their families on the whole.

    One of the things that I HATE with my whole heart about Christians is that majority of people in my unit are from Christian communities. They have a vicar or priest come in once a month and give them (that are in that religion) the wine and bread, say a short prayer and they call that love. I call that kind of love... Living Of Veiled Evil... because people show a cover of something that is deceptive because underneath there is deep selfishness and evil to the other person who is vulnerable. Christians even have a verse in their bible about it in James 1:27 where it says that pure religion is to look after widows and orphans. That is in their bible supposedly from God...... and they do absolutely nothing about it for the most of parts.


    sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant uh
    This is something to rant about so don't apologize! Yes it's true no matter what you can do for them you still can't give then what they want..their old life back... May Allah swt reward you, bless you and grant you the highest abode in Jannah for taking care of them.

    Off topic here but have you met Muslims in your area that you can hang out with and what not?
    "I love the righteous, though Im not one of them,
    Perhaps I will gain their mediation for me.
    And I hate those whose trade is sin,
    Though we may both have the same merchandise!" Imam Al Shafi'i

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    Re: Your Opinion on Care Homes / Nursing Homes / Old Age Homes

    I feel like our brains just like our bodies waste away when we have little to do. And when we seclude ourselves/ are secluded our health plummets.

 

 

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