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    Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by tracingspirals View Post
    Hah I don't know what it'll be like for me.
    I hate lies and superficiality and so I hate to pretend to be someone I am not just for the sake of pleasing someone.
    I'm generally quite shy and even awkward at times. I don't talk much as I hate gossip and that's what I find most people talk about these days. I suppose I have a tendency of pushing people away from me not long after they spend some time with mentor whatever reason. Neither am I physically what women tend to find attractive. I supposed I am doomed when its gonna come to finding a wife!

    But then I've learned to not let people get me and move on. Only thing is I sometimes wonder if I'll stay single forever. Well, i'll go with whatever Allah (swt) decreed for me.
    Lol.
    Totally agree.
    Iíve gone past that threshold of wanting to and of actually looking because Iíve been looking for years and just got rejected on really stupid reasons. Iím with you bro. Trust me it ainít that bad.
    I donít have to conform to a certain way to improve my chances of getting a meet etc. Since Iíve made that decision Iíve decided to go back to uni to study history masters ( something Iíve always wanted to do) even though Iím in a respected health care professional field for many years (because we all had to go be doctors or pharmacists right) which looks amazing on a marriage cv. Lol. I doubt something like history which I absolutely love just for the knowledge, would get a second look nowadays. But after going through this marriage, you start valuing your happiness much more rather than conform to other peopleís. Good luck in the future pal.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Inquisitive10 View Post
    Your rejection was based on your lack of self-believe, you were intimated, over compensated, pedestalized her, which is all interpreted as you having low value, had she been some fat unattractive lard you would have behaved differently. This lack of self-believe is evident in your post, you probably had the negative mind-set before you even turned up to the meeting, in which case you failed before you even left your house. Unless of course you really do look like king kong
    I donít believe thatís the case. You canít determine the OP was walking in head sunk in shoulders looking down and barely smiling and only yes/no answers from what he has written in op. No one wants to be lonely. And although the process can be nerve racking for some, everyone looks forward to the idea of finding a partner to spend the rest of their lives with.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    I really should start looking asap then. I don't want to get married at 30 tbh.
    If you donít I wouldnít rely solely on the arranged meet route. Youíll have to look yourself too.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Juwairiyyah View Post
    The whole process is so emotionally exhausting. I feel like giving up. Is marriage even worth it?

    Donít think itís the be all and end all. At the end of the day, as long as you know you have defo tried hard and followed the guidance set and given it ample time say 7 years for example, then what else are you to do?
    Itís a very draining process and like you said exhaustive. Donít think about it too much and get on with what you wanna do in life. Take up the thing youíve wanted to always do and prepare for the akirah. And Iím sure someone will fall on your lap.

    My opinion only. Please donít bash me for having an opinion.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by practicingbrthr View Post
    If you don’t I wouldn’t rely solely on the arranged meet route. You’ll have to look yourself too.
    What do you mean by "looking yourself."

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Juwairiyyah View Post
    The whole process is so emotionally exhausting. I feel like giving up. Is marriage even worth it?
    It is very exhausting and of course it is a huge slap across the face when you finally think you found someone normal is far from it

    Who would have thought this simple sunnah would be such a horrible never ending nightmare
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Be grateful for what you have.

    You might not have the looks but you have a good job.
    You might not have a good job but you have the looks, so on and so forth.

    Some people have nothing at all and they persevere after all those brutal rejections and experiences of searching for a spouse.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

  9. #88
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Juwairiyyah View Post
    The whole process is so emotionally exhausting. I feel like giving up. Is marriage even worth it?
    Anything worth it requires effort.

    What did Rasul صلى الله عليه و سلم day about the importance of marriage?
    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

    "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

    Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    yeah it is because a lot of them are openly very childish and mean about it. a cousin of mine rejected a girl and then posted the reason why on Facebook afterwards, mocking her looks and repeating what his dad said about her. this is why i hate my dads side of the family, they're all like that

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by aruzo4 View Post
    yeah it is because a lot of them are openly very childish and mean about it. a cousin of mine rejected a girl and then posted the reason why on Facebook afterwards, mocking her looks and repeating what his dad said about her. this is why i hate my dads side of the family, they're all like that

    makes me wonder how many people have seen mine





    :
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    Yeah you just have to go through the process I guess. I'm sorry to hijack this post but does anyone know how to find girls who have no relationship history at all (no kissing etc) who are still cute and practicing. Whether I meet potentials through my family or friends, I keep running into them and it is very disheartening. My family is getting annoyed and is disgusted too but is wondering if we should compromise on it (I really don't want to)>

  13. #92
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    Yeah you just have to go through the process I guess. I'm sorry to hijack this post but does anyone know how to find girls who have no relationship history at all (no kissing etc) who are still cute and practicing. Whether I meet potentials through my family or friends, I keep running into them and it is very disheartening. My family is getting annoyed and is disgusted too but is wondering if we should compromise on it (I really don't want to)>
    you just have to make it clear you are looking for someone like that

    most probably won't reveal their sins even after you've mentioned it, but make it as clear as possible

    keep looking into different locations and I think it is better to compromise on other things if this one is quite important to you, the last thing you want is to have trust issues with her, paranoia, suspicion and jealousy
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    Yeah you just have to go through the process I guess. I'm sorry to hijack this post but does anyone know how to find girls who have no relationship history at all (no kissing etc) who are still cute and practicing. Whether I meet potentials through my family or friends, I keep running into them and it is very disheartening. My family is getting annoyed and is disgusted too but is wondering if we should compromise on it (I really don't want to)>
    Unfortunately, you may have to compromise just a little. Not saying you gotta marry someone who committed zina, but things like texting, kissing, etc are so common nowadays. And since you're looking for someone who's also good looking, well such girls are bombarded by attention. If she's never done a single thing that's just amazing self discipline on her part--that or her dad basically locked her up in the house lol.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    you just have to make it clear you are looking for someone like that

    most probably won't reveal their sins even after you've mentioned it, but make it as clear as possible

    keep looking into different locations and I think it is better to compromise on other things if this one is quite important to you, the last thing you want is to have trust issues with her, paranoia, suspicion and jealousy
    Like my preferences are very basic, cute(doesn't need to be a model), pious, no relationship history(including kissing) and college educated (though I might compromise here). I guess I'll make things clear as possible.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    Unfortunately, you may have to compromise just a little. Not saying you gotta marry someone who committed zina, but things like texting, kissing, etc are so common nowadays. And since you're looking for someone who's also good looking, well such girls are bombarded by attention. If she's never done a single thing that's just amazing self discipline on her part--that or her dad basically locked her up in the house lol.
    I think I might be okay with texting but no physical intimacy and yes I have to be attracted to her (not gonna marry an ugly girl or whats the point). If nothing else I'll skew younger (go down to 18 or 17 even) since younger girls are less likely to have done something and find one in some village in pakistan.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    I think I might be okay with texting but no physical intimacy and yes I have to be attracted to her (not gonna marry an ugly girl or whats the point). If nothing else I'll skew younger (go down to 18 or 17 even) since younger girls are less likely to have done something and find one in some village in pakistan.
    I think that's reasonable. insha'Allah all goes well.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Deen95 View Post
    I think that's reasonable. insha'Allah all goes well.
    Thank you. It's an issue cause i'm 24 and live in the West. I hope there are still some pretty chaste virgins left who haven't done anything.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    Thank you. It's an issue cause i'm 24 and live in the West. I hope there are still some pretty chaste virgins left who haven't done anything.
    There are, I know we are going through some very bad times but you might be surprised

    Twenty four is young so keep looking and tell your folks that this is something you want

    I spoke to a man on a matrimonial site and all I told him was 'pure for the pure' which was enough for him to confess and say that we'd be incompatible (not saying people should confess but they should just STEP BACK).

    You really have to SHOVE it in their face. Scare them off.
    There are some outrageous people who will play along knowing your preferences.

    If you hear rumours about then, do not dismiss it, check it out, and make it clear to the family you are not interested in them so it is better for them to keep their honour by cutting off the engagement without reason rather then carry on with lies.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    There are, I know we are going through some very bad times but you might be surprised

    Twenty four is young so keep looking and tell your folks that this is something you want

    I spoke to a man on a matrimonial site and all I told him was 'pure for the pure' which was enough for him to confess and say that we'd be incompatible (not saying people should confess but they should just STEP BACK).

    You really have to SHOVE it in their face. Scare them off.
    There are some outrageous people who will play along knowing your preferences.

    If you hear rumours about then, do not dismiss it, check it out, and make it clear to the family you are not interested in them so it is better for them to keep their honour by cutting off the engagement without reason rather then carry on with lies.
    Thank you for making me feel better. Every friend I speak to including the wife of one of my good friends has said I could be pushing 30+ before I have to compromise on such a girl. Even my male friend says I'll have to deal with at least 1-3 exes even if it never went beyond kissing. Comments like that depress me alot. What's the point in marrying at all, if I can't find a cute pious chaste (no kissing etc.) bride. I'll be cautious I guess. For now I'm looking in Canada(first choice), middle east(girls are kept under closer watch), and pakistan (mixed bag).

  21. #100
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    Thank you for making me feel better. Every friend I speak to including the wife of one of my good friends has said I could be pushing 30+ before I have to compromise on such a girl. Even my male friend says I'll have to deal with at least 1-3 exes even if it never went beyond kissing. Comments like that depress me alot. What's the point in marrying at all, if I can't find a cute pious chaste (no kissing etc.) bride. I'll be cautious I guess. For now I'm looking in Canada(first choice), middle east(girls are kept under closer watch), and pakistan (mixed bag).
    For me kissing was a big no no

    Very disgusting

    I don't know much about Canada but in the UK there are sisters that haven't kissed or any other filthy things like that.

    It was my priority not to marry a douchebag, is that what they call them?

    Didn't care if he wasn't highly educated as long as he had a full time job.

    Also, some locations and unis would put me off certain potentials but always take a chance because we can't judge everyone.

    Check social media. If you can't find them online, ask them if you can see their social media or if they have it.

    Snapchat and the likes are like a cesspool for dirt attracting dirt. It's all about pictures so you know the rest.

    Really depends what they do on it, but it's always a great indicator. If you're not too comfortable with posing online that is a good sign but if you still have social media- time to interrogate.

    Marriage is a test anyway, prepare yourself.

    Make lots of dua.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by s86ahmed View Post
    I think I might be okay with texting but no physical intimacy and yes I have to be attracted to her (not gonna marry an ugly girl or whats the point). If nothing else I'll skew younger (go down to 18 or 17 even) since younger girls are less likely to have done something and find one in some village in pakistan.
    Obviously. I never said otherwise.

    All I'm saying is, the more stringent your requirements, the longer it'll take.

    Personally, I gave up on my obsession with marrying a chaste, never touched virgin. Nowadays, my policy is, if she's sincerely practicing and religious, then ignorance is bliss. Whatever happened in her past, I don't want to hear it.

  23. #102
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I don't know why but for some reason the people with a past or bad habits end up with someone opposite

    Good woman - gets the bad man, everything she didn't deserve
    Good man- gets the bad girl, same as above

    Why don't the 'good' just meet the, let's just call it, well behaved

    Lol

    Why is that :/
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    I don't know why but for some reason the people with a past or bad habits end up with someone opposite

    Good woman - gets the bad man, everything she didn't deserve
    Good man- gets the bad girl, same as above

    Why don't the 'good' just meet the, let's just call it, well behaved

    Lol

    Why is that :/
    Lol.

    Opposites attract?

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    I don't know why but for some reason the people with a past or bad habits end up with someone opposite

    Good woman - gets the bad man, everything she didn't deserve
    Good man- gets the bad girl, same as above

    Why don't the 'good' just meet the, let's just call it, well behaved

    Lol

    Why is that :/
    Its sad

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    Obviously. I never said otherwise.

    All I'm saying is, the more stringent your requirements, the longer it'll take.

    Personally, I gave up on my obsession with marrying a chaste, never touched virgin. Nowadays, my policy is, if she's sincerely practicing and religious, then ignorance is bliss. Whatever happened in her past, I don't want to hear it.
    How comes u changed your view from couole months ago

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    How comes u changed your view from couole months ago
    Which view?

    But yes my views on this and other things did change within the past 6 months or so.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    Which view?

    But yes my views on this and other things did change within the past 6 months or so.
    The views on zina
    How comes ?

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    I don't know why but for some reason the people with a past or bad habits end up with someone opposite

    Good woman - gets the bad man, everything she didn't deserve
    Good man- gets the bad girl, same as above

    Why don't the 'good' just meet the, let's just call it, well behaved

    Lol

    Why is that :/
    Agreed.

    It kind of surprises me though that it's so hard for someone who's a virgin (including someone who has never kissed or anything else) to find another one. I've never even looked for a husband so I'm totally oblivious to this.

    Sad.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Oooooh I'd be so mad.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    The views on zina
    How comes ?
    I did some soul searching.

  32. #111
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    I did some soul searching.
    Whats that suppose to mean?

    U found someone and u was willing to compromise

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

    U found someone and u was willing to compromise
    No.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by brightesthour View Post
    Oooooh I'd be so mad.
    Yes, you know that feeling when you want to break the dishes and the window? That's the feeling
    I call it glass therapy

    Sometimes I feel like helping those that don't want to be betrayed because betrayal is traumatic but i suppose we have to learn from these sad experiences

    I think about creating a site for people that have never ever had a physical relationship with the opposite gender.

    Free ideally, but can you imagine all the wrong people joining 'must get myself one of those I shouldn't really deceive'

    I was serious about it but realistically you can't control people and I don't think islamically it would be right
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    No.
    So how comes

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    Yes, you know that feeling when you want to break the dishes and the window? That's the feeling
    I call it glass therapy

    Sometimes I feel like helping those that don't want to be betrayed because betrayal is traumatic but i suppose we have to learn from these sad experiences

    I think about creating a site for people that have never ever had a physical relationship with the opposite gender.

    Free ideally, but can you imagine all the wrong people joining 'must get myself one of those I shouldn't really deceive'

    I was serious about it but realistically you can't control people and I don't think islamically it would be right
    Islamically if you repent sins gone so we shouldnt make life hard for people who have changed
    After all Allah loves the people who repent

    Although i think what is bad is when people dont mention nothing and knoe that the other person expects pure
    They could just say something like i made some mistakes in the past or something like that

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    Islamically if you repent sins gone so we shouldnt make life hard for people who have changed
    After all Allah loves the people who repent

    Although i think what is bad is when people dont mention nothing and knoe that the other person expects pure
    They could just say something like i made some mistakes in the past or something like that
    Yeh that's why I said for people that haven't had a relationship before so that way no one has to expose their sins

    But that might make the people who have sincerely repented feel bad, I don't want to make them feel sad

    But it's like saying I'll only marry someone with a degree and a site for those specifically so really can the idea be that bad?

    It could prevent a lot of divorces
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    Odan
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    Yes, you know that feeling when you want to break the dishes and the window? That's the feeling
    I call it glass therapy

    Sometimes I feel like helping those that don't want to be betrayed because betrayal is traumatic but i suppose we have to learn from these sad experiences

    I think about creating a site for people that have never ever had a physical relationship with the opposite gender.

    Free ideally, but can you imagine all the wrong people joining 'must get myself one of those I shouldn't really deceive'

    I was serious about it but realistically you can't control people and I don't think islamically it would be right
    Ah yes, and I get even more mad when I can't actually break any glasses lol.

    That sounds like a good idea though, can I co-own it? That way it'll be easier to catch the guys who join with bad intent. Lol

    If they repented for it and never did it again then obviously that's okay, but I understand the whole virgin wants a virgin thing.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ya'sin View Post
    Yeh that's why I said for people that haven't had a relationship before so that way no one has to expose their sins

    But that might make the people who have sincerely repented feel bad, I don't want to make them feel sad

    But it's like saying I'll only marry someone with a degree and a site for those specifically so really can the idea be that bad?

    It could prevent a lot of divorces
    Thats discrimination
    But i guess its possible to make
    But also kinda bad as people have repented and your making life hard for them

    Best is to just be honest and say made mistakes in the past that way u know the deal

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
    Thats discrimination
    But i guess its possible to make
    But also kinda bad as people have repented and your making life hard for them

    Best is to just be honest and say made mistakes in the past that way u know the deal
    Yeah I'd ideally like to hear this if I asked this question. It would be a clear indication that the person has a past because the person who doesn't would just say no they haven't done any such act. Thanks for all the advice everyone. I'll try to not dwell on the things I can't control and just focus on myself and be more optimistic about the process. There have to be at least a few good girls out there.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    A person cant reveal their sins so theirs no point asking those questions

 

 

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