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  1. #1
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    Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.

  2. #41
    Odan cooldog's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    That can happen sometimes just after seeing someone you finally like. Don't bother if they said yes or not yet.
    Mabrook, lets hope he says yes.

  3. #42
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by cooldog View Post
    Mabrook, lets hope he says yes.
    It's not even that and don't remind me..... just make dua for me inshAllah.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

  4. #43
    Odan shezad's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    P.S I forgot to mention one other thing:

    Bro if your deen and imaan is correct and you do everything in your life to please the almighty then Inshallah you will come across a Muslimah whom will see this great charachteristic in you and thus will not hesitate to become your wife.

    You see there are many many good muslim women out there who see passed all the exterior finery of a man, they are not as materialistic minded as some, this is the type of Muslimah we should seek: They are strong hearted, god fearing, Islamically inclined and if they have made mistakes in the passed (Like ALL us muslims have) they would've made peace with their maker and moved swiftly forward towards their deen which will in turn grant them Jannah Inshallah.

    Bro like yourself I have been rejected by countless Muslim women (May Allah bless them with better men than me) and in return I just smile and accept it because our blessed Prophet Muhammad Salil La Ho Walahi Waslam (Peace Be Upon Him) taught us to be humble, have humility, be good in charachter and treat all of our fellow Muslims with kindness.

    I pray Allah Subhana T'Allah blesses you with an excellent wife very very very soon Inshallah. Ameen.

    Tc for now Bro, if you need a chat etc holler any time

    Shezad
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  5. #44
    Odan cooldog's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    It's not even that and don't remind me..... just make dua for me inshAllah.
    Ok , make dua for me as well.

  6. #45
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    That can happen sometimes just after seeing someone you finally like. Don't bother if they said yes or not yet.
    I've experienced that, was difficult to deal with when the other side said no. So now I just always mentally brace myself for a 'no' after seeing a potential. Makes the blow easier to take.

  7. #46
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    It's a big fitnah because it's not only that, I am myself am not even sure whether to pursue it. It is difficult if feelings start getting involved, but alhamdulillah, I've gotten pretty good at subduing myself. It's usually mostly just excitement. You just have to keep wrestling the matter out of your heart and mind and keep turning it over to Allah. Then you can never get disappointed because we know Allah's decision is the best one.

    If any sisters want to privately advise me, send a PM.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

  8. #47
    Odan cooldog's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I'm back to asking the same question again.

    How do feelings get involved after meeting a couple of times?

  9. #48
    Umm Rumaysah - 23/09/2017 Hannahk92's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by cooldog View Post
    I'm back to asking the same question again.

    How do feelings get involved after meeting a couple of times?
    hmmm one thing could be a person becomes attracted or sees a potentials characteristics as appealing, or have things in common.
    ▪️••• 〰 Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards the idiot is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response, but rather it does not befit the lion to answer the dogs. 〰 •••▪️

    ~ IMAM SHAFI'I RH

  10. #49
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Maybe you have a really intense definition of feelings. If you like someone and are attracted to them, then that is feelings, isn't it? Even if there isn't "real" feelings there is always some level of excitement at the prospect of marrying a person even when you don't know them. And then add to that those intuitive type feelings like you feel like kindred souls or you just get that feeling that you would be very compatible or *gasp* you were meant to be together...

    Women can start thinking about how it would be to marry and have kids with someone they never even meet before.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Odan shezad's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahk92 View Post
    hmmm one thing could be a person becomes attracted or sees a potentials characteristics as appealing, or have things in common.
    Nicely put
    He who loses money, loses much.

    He who loses a friend, loses more.

    He who loses faith, loses ALL.

  12. #51
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    Feedback? I wish. Do u?
    the only feedback I get is that they want to marry me, take it further etc

    I was asking you because you mentioned rejection, so I was asking what reasons they gave?
    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
    ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
    “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

  13. #52
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I am on the same boat bro (I am a sis tho) and it is hard, can definitely hurts self-esteem. The hardest thing I have yet to face so far in life. Every time someone rejects I too wonder am I not good enough in terms of looks, status, manners?

    But then I have had to do some rejecting as well & that was brutal too. Constantly wondering if I made the right choose. Trying to force myself to agree and move forward but also trying to make the best decision possible. Fighting against inner feeling & a war between head and heart. Sometimes a guy/girl might seem perfect but something just doesn't feel right & usually those moments its the hardest to figure out is it fear or is there something alarming

    The worst of all is wondering if you have missed a great opportunity or if there is anyone even written for you. Having the courage to look into yet another proposal knowing there might be another rejection to deal with or another heart/head war to deal with.

  14. #53
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).
    Your rejection was based on your lack of self-believe, you were intimated, over compensated, pedestalized her, which is all interpreted as you having low value, had she been some fat unattractive lard you would have behaved differently. This lack of self-believe is evident in your post, you probably had the negative mind-set before you even turned up to the meeting, in which case you failed before you even left your house. Unless of course you really do look like king kong
    Last edited by Inquisitive10; 17-03-13 at 12:19 PM.

  15. #54
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته

    Feedback
    I don't think I would want feedback and I wouldn't want to give it. Like why? It's only one persons opinion anyway and if you got feedback it would all be different based on the latest persons perspective and needs/wants in a hub or wife so, who cares? Especially if they or you walked away rli, what does it matter?

    The only thing that matters is when you both are like "yea, I want that one" الحمد لله

    But I realise i'm speaking like a windbag because I never been through this yet. Don't throw any vege, it's wastefull
    Last edited by ssh; 17-03-13 at 01:13 PM.



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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    what i have observed is that from the first meeting some people are already planning their nikkah.. and fact is thats not the way to enter into it.

    its a potential husband or wife, and all youre doing is seeing if you might be compatible and if you might like each other. having a meeting in regards to discuss the potential for marriage, doesnt necessarily mean that you will marry. perhaps if you look at it like that it would make it easier.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


  17. #56
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Inquisitive10 View Post
    Your rejection was based on your lack of self-believe, you were intimated, over compensated, pedestalized her, which is all interpreted as you having low value, had she been some fat unattractive lard you would have behaved differently. This lack of self-believe is evident in your post, you probably had the negative mind-set before you even turned up to the meeting, in which case you failed before you even left your house. Unless of course you really do look like king kong
    How does one address these issues? Obvious answers would be to increase one's self belief, have a positive mindset etc anything else?

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    How does one address these issues? Obvious answers would be to increase one's self belief, have a positive mindset etc anything else?
    Identify the insecurities that lead you to a lack of self-believe (being fat, too skinny, nerdy, socially awkward, looks etc.) and work towards improving it. I suspect your main insecurities is looks oriented, 80% of it is in your hands and you can improve through regular workout, gym, changing your style, posture etc. It won't even take that long to achieve if you have discipline. I recall being in a similar predicament were I grew into a 120KG monster, dropped 40KG in less than 6months and from there everything changed. Your internal believes are always reflected in your outward expressions.
    Last edited by Inquisitive10; 17-03-13 at 04:04 PM.

  19. #58
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I heard one exercise to prepare for marriage meetings is to write a list of things you have to offer. Take the top three then really imagine yourself how you look, feel, and act when you are offering those things so it really imprints on your mind. Then you go in knowing you have something of value to give and you are not just petrified and trying to impress the other person or feel less than them.

    I do think there is a difference in how you will act according to if you perceive the other person to be above you, at your level, or below you. If you meet someone who you perceive to be so far above you in almost all levels, it is hard to think about what you will be bringing to the table.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

  20. #59
    abu sab'a
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Gotta be honest, marriage was easy. The hardest part was trying to get past the whole culture and arranged marriage malarky that the parents were trying to enforce.

    Problem I see (and I think its a western/kufaar influence) is that people want everything to be perfect.

    been married 20 years, have 7 kids. If I had tried to address some of what people are writing on here I would be a single lonely man.
    We think we are in control, but we are not and putting obsatcles in the way (eg I want to be earning X amount etc) is actually quite serious if you think about it. Are you saying YOU are the provider? what if you get your PHD and that dream job/house/car get married have a baby and drop dead?

  21. #60
    did i say i was leaving? Muslima London's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    In sha Allah the right sister will complement your quite nature and bring the best out of you
    Nothing wrong with being quite and that's from somebody whose not naturally quite.


    QUOTE=kiduka;5102782]That's where I believe I'll fail, and I'm not handsome just average.

    My problem is I'm naturally shy and quite, if I be myself it would be very awkward but if I step outside the box and engage with her firstly I would need a script but she would later find that I'm this quite guy and be upset about it.

    Either way I'm screwed lol ...But if Allah (swt) wills it, it will happen nonetheless[/QUOTE]

  22. #61
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    u know theres so much more to it than looks. sometimes u might meet someone and u just dont feel comfortable with them, they can be the most "classicly " handsome/beautiful person in the world but theres just no connection there when u sit with them, or speak with them.

    So dont feel down it just wasnt meant to be, say Alhamdulillah because you want your wife to love to be in your company, not just look at you and think " masha Allah hes all that "

    good looks arent the only basis for the marriage, a beautiful people soon start looking ugly if u cant get along with them. its not big deal bro, Allah ta ala has someone better in store for you, its just not your time yet.

    keep making duaa and keep on looking for your wife. shes out there somewhere insha Allah.
    That's very true. I would not worry about. If a girl did not accept your proposal, she was not the one for you. I have found certain guys to be very good looking, but just did not feel they were my type. I just can't explain. Then there are certain brothers who may not be the best looking that I would marry over the very good looking ones. Yes it's a plus to have both the looks and personality, but character comes first. Also, Wisdom, it might be that the girl feels that your personality and character don't match with hers not necessarily that you don't have good character. I would not see it as a bad reflection you as a person. For some people it could also be cultural (if the girls you have proposed to are of another culture). The one who eventually accepts your proposal, will be the one for you anyway. Don't worry about the girls who don't want you. Move on and focus on finding someone better.

    May Allah bless you with a pious wife.
    Last edited by muslimahc; 17-03-13 at 09:12 PM.
    Therefore remember Me, I will remember you, And be thankful to Me, and do not be ungrateful to Me." [Qur'an 2:152]
    Behold in the Remembrance of Allah do hearts find satisfaction."
    [Al Quran 13:28]
    ]

  23. #62
    did i say i was leaving? Muslima London's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    piety/humbleness are very attravctive featture in a brother. Of course, some element of attactiveness must be there but to be qutie hontest, most people find the drop dead gorgeous look quite intimidating.

    I think Shezad (as usual) gave some great advice. In sha allah, the woman that you deserve will come your way. Just be true to yoruself, be true to your purpose and remember that you will only end up with the person that allah swt intends you to be with.

    I haven't been through the arranged marriage treadmill for a looong time but i do recall the feeling of anxiety each time you had to wait to find out teh 'outcome'.



    Quote Originally Posted by Starman1 View Post
    To the guys worrying about looks, shyness, awkwardness etc... DON'T!

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What one person considers beautiful another may not.

    Also I know A LOT of brothers who were shy, awkward and not what is perceived as "handsome" (which is purely media rubbish being thrown at us from all directions) yet they found spouses and are living happy lives Masha'Allah.

    The process can be tough, nobody likes being rejected for any reason but put your trust in Allah and His decree and you'll be fine.

  24. #63
    Odan shezad's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Muslima London View Post
    piety/humbleness are very attravctive featture in a brother. Of course, some element of attactiveness must be there but to be qutie hontest, most people find the drop dead gorgeous look quite intimidating.

    I think Shezad (as usual) gave some great advice. In sha allah, the woman that you deserve will come your way. Just be true to yoruself, be true to your purpose and remember that you will only end up with the person that allah swt intends you to be with.

    I haven't been through the arranged marriage treadmill for a looong time but i do recall the feeling of anxiety each time you had to wait to find out teh 'outcome'.
    Shukriya for the mention sis, muchos grazious
    He who loses money, loses much.

    He who loses a friend, loses more.

    He who loses faith, loses ALL.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
    dont worry when you meet the one that is meant for you, she will accept all of you

    and trust me girls who reject feel bad for rejecting

    ive even prayed for guys ive rejected and asked Allah to give them the best and many of them have gone on to marry

    the whole process of meeting and getting to know is a nightmare, trust me we all go through it

    do u ever get feedback?
    They do? I doubt I can reject anyone, I know it sounds stupid I guess my soft nature gets the better of me.
    Last edited by Ashfaaq; 18-03-13 at 12:32 PM.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Assalaamu alaykum,

    Hope you're all well. Its been a while since I've posted in this forum. Just thought I'd share an update on my situation.

    I started looking for potential partners 5 years ago, at the age of 25. In those years, I met numerous prospective partners. Rejections and having to reject people was initially quite an uncomfortable experience but I soon got used to the process and learned not to get emotionally attached. Over time I also realised why certain things didn't go the way I wanted. SubhanAllah, there were quite a few times where later on I realised I dodged a bullet only through the mercy of Allah.

    I met someone earlier this year and we got married , alhamdulillah. Things happened quickly and went smoothly, I couldn't have asked for a better partner and in laws. As someone who has spent several years looking to get married, the wait was worth it. There were times where I felt close to just marrying someone who I didn't entirely feel compatible with just for the sake of it. I'm glad I didn't do this.

    To all those who find themselves in a similar situation and find it tough, hang in there and take comfort in knowing that the patience and perseverance will pay off eventually inshAllah.
    Last edited by wisdom-17; 07-11-17 at 12:13 PM. Reason: spelling typo

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    oneday you may sit back and say shukr I didnt get into that...

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    Processing of getting married is brutal...

    It took you 5 years to find someone? Damn.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    It took you 5 years to find someone? Damn.
    4 years (I began my search towards the end of 2012) but yeah didn't think it would be that long when I started looking.

  30. #69
    Senior Member Red Apples's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    THAT IS SOOOOO SAD


  31. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    It took you 5 years to find someone? Damn.
    4 years (I began my search towards the end of 2012) but yeah didn't think it would be that long when I started looking.
    I really should start looking asap then. I don't want to get married at 30 tbh.

  32. #71
    Odan Abu julaybeeb's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    Assalaamu alaykum,

    Hope you're all well. Its been a while since I've posted in this forum. Just thought I'd share an update on my situation.

    I started looking for potential partners 5 years ago, at the age of 25. In those years, I met numerous prospective partners. Rejections and having to reject people was initially quite an uncomfortable experience but I soon got used to the process and learned not to get emotionally attached. Over time I also realised why certain things didn't go the way I wanted. SubhanAllah, there were quite a few times where later on I realised I dodged a bullet only through the mercy of Allah.

    I met someone earlier this year and we got married , alhamdulillah. Things happened quickly and went smoothly, I couldn't have asked for a better partner and in laws. As someone who has spent several years looking to get married, the wait was worth it. There were times where I felt close to just marrying someone who I didn't entirely feel compatible with just for the sake of it. I'm glad I didn't do this.

    To all those who find themselves in a similar situation and find it tough, hang in there and take comfort in knowing that the patience and perseverance will pay off eventually inshAllah.
    Why is it you rejected people
    And do you feel you was too harsh or picky

  33. #72
    Abu-Tawheed Saif-Uddin's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    Akhi don't have low self esteem,

    If you got rejected, it wasn't meant to be, move on, plenty of other potentials.

    People with low self esteem, I can see how it would affect them. They need to remember Qadr Allah.

    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

    "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

    – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

  34. #73
    Senior Member Juwairiyyah's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    The whole process is so emotionally exhausting. I feel like giving up. Is marriage even worth it?

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Juwairiyyah View Post
    The whole process is so emotionally exhausting. I feel like giving up. Is marriage even worth it?
    it depends, imagine after all that exhaustion you still marry the wrong person

    finding the right person these days, is a needle in the haystack business

  36. #75
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Juwairiyyah View Post
    The whole process is so emotionally exhausting. I feel like giving up. Is marriage even worth it?
    Considering the implications, ofcourse it has to be.

  37. #76
    Tawakkul... iRepIslam's Avatar
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    Processing of getting married is brutal...

    How do you even know if you’ve found the right potential partner?
    إقراء القران فإنه يأتي يوم القيامة شفيعا لأصحابه

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by has75 View Post
    I think people have too much criteria nowadays. I have 3 daughters who are still young but when they are adults and if a brother asks for one of my daughters for their son I will make istikhara make some quick enquries about the brothers character and that he regularly attends the masjid and if my daughter is attracted/accepts then I will go ahead inshaAllah. It should be that straight forward. Questions like income and dunia stuff shouldn't come into it. Lets see what happens when it comes to the crunch, inshaAllah I will go ahead as planned.

    Then you’ll be successful inshallah.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Rapunzel View Post
    hmmm...i dont know what to say!

    well... i know many sisters who said they are tired being rejected and they said if at al they knew the process of arrange marriage can leave them with lowest self esteem then they would go for love marriage....The process of getting married is harsher for pious brothers and sisters.
    100% agree. I would definitely used my time in uni more wisely in the relationship sense had I known what I knew now. Lol. If I had children, it would be difficult to deny them this stigma ridden route over the more conservative method I chose.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    I’ve done absolutely loads. Looks can play a huge factor but trust me it’s not always about that. Wealth or ambition for it plays a huge factor like owning your own home or size of your current one and area. Income can be very important in certain circumstances if you end up visiting someone from a well of background. The class system is inherent within British Muslim culture.
    And these are things that you can seldom help. So don’t let it weigh on your shoulders. It’ll leave you feeling sad and you shouldn’t because you haven’t done anything wrong if you’ve tried your upmost to prioritise the important criteria over issues which are relatively insignificant when you take into account the akirah.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic. View Post
    Let me try to put into perspective. If people consider one good looking, they'll treat you differently, because you look that way- whether it be men or women.

    But, that's the issue, it's shallow. And appearances can be deceptive.
    That’s very true

 

 

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