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    Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    u know theres so much more to it than looks. sometimes u might meet someone and u just dont feel comfortable with them, they can be the most "classicly " handsome/beautiful person in the world but theres just no connection there when u sit with them, or speak with them.

    So dont feel down it just wasnt meant to be, say Alhamdulillah because you want your wife to love to be in your company, not just look at you and think " masha Allah hes all that "

    good looks arent the only basis for the marriage, a beautiful people soon start looking ugly if u cant get along with them. its not big deal bro, Allah ta ala has someone better in store for you, its just not your time yet.

    keep making duaa and keep on looking for your wife. shes out there somewhere insha Allah.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    u know theres so much more to it than looks. sometimes u might meet someone and u just dont feel comfortable with them, they can be the most "classicly " handsome/beautiful person in the world but theres just no connection there when u sit with them, or speak with them.

    So dont feel down it just wasnt meant to be, say Alhamdulillah because you want your wife to love to be in your company, not just look at you and think " masha Allah hes all that "

    good looks arent the only basis for the marriage, a beautiful people soon start looking ugly if u cant get along with them. its not big deal bro, Allah ta ala has someone better in store for you, its just not your time yet.

    keep making duaa and keep on looking for your wife. shes out there somewhere insha Allah.
    JazakAllah for your wise words.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Requires a lot of patient bro. When I was in your situation I kinda felt like that too but keep your trust in Allah and Allah will open the doors for you when you least expect it. Always be contempt with the decree of Allah (aza Wajjal) since he is The All Knowing and Wise.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Rapunzel's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    hmmm...i dont know what to say!

    well... i know many sisters who said they are tired being rejected and they said if at al they knew the process of arrange marriage can leave them with lowest self esteem then they would go for love marriage....The process of getting married is harsher for pious brothers and sisters.
    Last edited by Rapunzel; 16-03-13 at 04:45 PM.

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    Odan kiduka's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    u know theres so much more to it than looks. sometimes u might meet someone and u just dont feel comfortable with them, they can be the most "classicly " handsome/beautiful person in the world but theres just no connection there when u sit with them, or speak with them.
    That's where I believe I'll fail, and I'm not handsome just average.

    My problem is I'm naturally shy and quite, if I be myself it would be very awkward but if I step outside the box and engage with her firstly I would need a script but she would later find that I'm this quite guy and be upset about it.

    Either way I'm screwed lol ...But if Allah (swt) wills it, it will happen nonetheless

  7. #7
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I agree the marriage process is tough. I don't really have the problem with being rejected, rejecting others can be really difficult though.

    My issue is more like every time a potential comes around I find myself having to examine my values and think about if such and such thing I never put much thought into is really important or not. It's stressful, but it helps me get a clearer vision of what's important to me. Make dua for me.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Naa I don't think it's brutal or even hard per se, it's all qadr and Allah each with their other half soon. Sometimes it's us the hinderance, we got work to do with Allah and then He will grant it

    لا تفكر كثيرا
    بل استغفر كثيرا

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    bows out Fairy's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    dont worry when you meet the one that is meant for you, she will accept all of you

    and trust me girls who reject feel bad for rejecting

    ive even prayed for guys ive rejected and asked Allah to give them the best and many of them have gone on to marry

    the whole process of meeting and getting to know is a nightmare, trust me we all go through it

    do u ever get feedback?
    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
    ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
    “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
    dont worry when you meet the one that is meant for you, she will accept all of you

    and trust me girls who reject feel bad for rejecting

    ive even prayed for guys ive rejected and asked Allah to give them the best and many of them have gone on to marry

    the whole process of meeting and getting to know is a nightmare, trust me we all go through it

    do u ever get feedback?
    feedback? Sorry that just made me laugh. They should write reports with WWW and EBI

    لا تفكر كثيرا
    بل استغفر كثيرا

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by F_R View Post
    feedback? Sorry that just made me laugh. They should write reports with WWW and EBI
    I dont get what that means?
    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
    ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
    “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

  12. #12
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
    I dont get what that means?
    WWW= what went well EBI= even better if

    They used to put our feedback at school as that ^^^

    لا تفكر كثيرا
    بل استغفر كثيرا

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by F_R View Post
    WWW= what went well EBI= even better if

    They used to put our feedback at school as that ^^^
    wow what kind of school did u got to

    the hard knocks of abbreviation
    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
    ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
    “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

  14. #14
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
    wow what kind of school did u got to

    the hard knocks of abbreviation
    Lol they do that at all schools here don't they we had a detention system where you got a slip and were isolated onto a bridge part lol. That was our suspension, watching the rest of the kids play whilst we were looking from the prisons of the bridge window

    LailaTheMuslim will know what I'm on about lol.

    لا تفكر كثيرا
    بل استغفر كثيرا

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    bows out Fairy's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by F_R View Post
    Lol they do that at all schools here don't they we had a detention system where you got a slip and were isolated onto a bridge part lol. That was our suspension, watching the rest of the kids play whilst we were looking from the prisons of the bridge window

    .
    wow and i thought I went to an awful school
    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
    ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
    “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

  16. #16
    <3 <3 nousername's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I thought it was going to be EXTREMELY hard for me, being a revert with a son who was 4 but alhamdulillah it only took about 1 year to find a husband.
    Fabi-ayyiala -i rabbikuma tukaththibani
    Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr8DR8frP_s

    You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    I agree the marriage process is tough. I don't really have the problem with being rejected, rejecting others can be really difficult though.

    My issue is more like every time a potential comes around I find myself having to examine my values and think about if such and such thing I never put much thought into is really important or not. It's stressful, but it helps me get a clearer vision of what's important to me. Make dua for me.
    I find it difficult to reject others too.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
    dont worry when you meet the one that is meant for you, she will accept all of you

    and trust me girls who reject feel bad for rejecting

    ive even prayed for guys ive rejected and asked Allah to give them the best and many of them have gone on to marry

    the whole process of meeting and getting to know is a nightmare, trust me we all go through it

    do u ever get feedback?
    Feedback? I wish. Do u?

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by F_R View Post
    Lol they do that at all schools here don't they we had a detention system where you got a slip and were isolated onto a bridge part lol. That was our suspension, watching the rest of the kids play whilst we were looking from the prisons of the bridge window

    LailaTheMuslim will know what I'm on about lol.
    This school with a 'bridge' - it's not in East London is it?

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
    wow and i thought I went to an awful school
    Awful? That was and I think still is the best school in this city...fine it my borough it's the best, my heart will forever be there *wipes tear*
    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    This school with a 'bridge' - it's not in East London is it?
    My honest reaction to this is 'eew no'

    لا تفكر كثيرا
    بل استغفر كثيرا

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by F_R View Post
    Awful? That was and I think still is the best school in this city...fine it my borough it's the best, my heart will forever be there *wipes tear*


    My honest reaction to this is 'eew no'
    Can see why east London provokes that reaction but it's not that bad.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    I think people have too much criteria nowadays. I have 3 daughters who are still young but when they are adults and if a brother asks for one of my daughters for their son I will make istikhara make some quick enquries about the brothers character and that he regularly attends the masjid and if my daughter is attracted/accepts then I will go ahead inshaAllah. It should be that straight forward. Questions like income and dunia stuff shouldn't come into it. Lets see what happens when it comes to the crunch, inshaAllah I will go ahead as planned.

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    YOUR FAVOURITE AKHI 2016 Magic.'s Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    I find it soo confidence sapping when I get rejected after seeing a potential, probably because I think I got rejected based on my looks (I'm a brother btw).

    Guessing it must be worse for sisters as brothers take looks into account more than them.
    Or if others consider yourself to be good looking, you never know if people like you for you, or if your looks only. So don't really look at that.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic. View Post
    Or if others consider yourself to be good looking, you never know if people like you for you, or if your looks only. So don't really look at that.
    When seeking a partner, surely physical attraction should play a part?

    If you're referring to general life, I'm guessing you're talking about females? Because I don't know any guys that are friends with another guy just because he is good looking.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    When seeking a partner, surely physical attraction should play a part?

    If you're referring to general life, I'm guessing you're talking about females? Because I don't know any guys that are friends with another guy just because he is good looking.
    Let me try to put into perspective. If people consider one good looking, they'll treat you differently, because you look that way- whether it be men or women.

    But, that's the issue, it's shallow. And appearances can be deceptive.
    Last edited by Magic.; 16-03-13 at 09:40 PM.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic. View Post
    Let me try to put into perspective. If people consider one good looking, they'll treat you differently, because you look that way- whether it be men or women.
    Ah I see where you're coming from. It's an interesting point which makes me think.

    Sometimes it's easy to spot this behaviour, they just don't sound sincere or genuine when they speak and also observing them when they interact with others would also give them away.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    When seeking a partner, surely physical attraction should play a part?

    If you're referring to general life, I'm guessing you're talking about females? Because I don't know any guys that are friends with another guy just because he is good looking.
    It's interesting you say that actually. I remember reading a study not long ago about how we subconsciously choose friends who are of a similar level of attractiveness to us.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    Ah I see where you're coming from. It's an interesting point which makes me think.

    Sometimes it's easy to spot this behaviour, they just don't sound sincere or genuine when they speak and also observing them when they interact with others would also give them away.
    Yes, and imagine you're being treated that way. Does it make you feel worthy of anything in life that people aren't treating you honestly as the way you'd like to be treated as a human?

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by wisdom-17 View Post
    Can see why east London provokes that reaction but it's not that bad.
    It's my inbuilt west London loyalty nature, can't help it

    لا تفكر كثيرا
    بل استغفر كثيرا

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Hah I don't know what it'll be like for me.
    I hate lies and superficiality and so I hate to pretend to be someone I am not just for the sake of pleasing someone.
    I'm generally quite shy and even awkward at times. I don't talk much as I hate gossip and that's what I find most people talk about these days. I suppose I have a tendency of pushing people away from me not long after they spend some time with mentor whatever reason. Neither am I physically what women tend to find attractive. I supposed I am doomed when its gonna come to finding a wife!

    But then I've learned to not let people get me and move on. Only thing is I sometimes wonder if I'll stay single forever. Well, i'll go with whatever Allah (swt) decreed for me.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Oh my days, looks aren't everything when it comes to marriage. And it's upto Allah. Allah created you. So are you saying he is unjust? Yes, even if people did find physically attractive, it does not equate to happiness, would you be happy such insincerity that you will receive?

    Lastly, I want to say, it's widely reported, you can go check yourself about the Muslim man who has a lot of tumours all around his body as well as his face and he is happily married with kids as well.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Man! am so glad i saw this forum after marriage. Someone who is thinking of getting married and comes across this site, will think marrying or finding a spouse will be an impossible task and thats only because people come on here when they find it difficult to marry or cant find a spouse , not those who have had the opposite experience and found marriage to be a smooth process and want to give an excellent testimonial. We only get the moaners here. We need some positives to even things out.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    As Salaam Ulaikum Wr Wb

    Honestly, all i can do is pray for you brother. Be hopeful, confident and remember that Allah is the best planner.

    May Allah make it easy for you and everyone else, bless all of us with pious, caring, loving and honest partners. Ameen

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    To the guys worrying about looks, shyness, awkwardness etc... DON'T!

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What one person considers beautiful another may not.

    Also I know A LOT of brothers who were shy, awkward and not what is perceived as "handsome" (which is purely media rubbish being thrown at us from all directions) yet they found spouses and are living happy lives Masha'Allah.

    The process can be tough, nobody likes being rejected for any reason but put your trust in Allah and His decree and you'll be fine.

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    Odan *asiya*'s Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by kiduka View Post
    That's where I believe I'll fail, and I'm not handsome just average.

    My problem is I'm naturally shy and quite, if I be myself it would be very awkward but if I step outside the box and engage with her firstly I would need a script but she would later find that I'm this quite guy and be upset about it.

    Either way I'm screwed lol ...But if Allah (swt) wills it, it will happen nonetheless
    nothing wrong with being shy and quiet, theres no set way to "be" everyone is different, and theres someone for everyone alhamdulillah. sabr and trust in Allah ta ala, is the key .
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


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    ssh's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته

    Just think how amazing it will be when someone comes back with a yep after all the rejections though الحمد لله

    Try not to jump up and punch the air and do a lil dance round the room. Just be stoic and calm lulz



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    Odan shezad's Avatar
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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Walaikam Aslam bro, don't feel too down or dejected by the whole marriage seeking saga...use every rejection to your advantage and take it as a compliment because Allah Subhana T'Allah knows you inside out, he knows you better than anyone so long as you feel his rehmat on you then you have nothing to fear. Allah has plans for all of us, some of us may never marry because Allah may determine a different path for us. We should be thankful for this test, I am going through the exact same thing you are bruv so take it with a pinch of salt and whilst the search continues strengthen your deen and imaan, take up a new activity such as martial arts, boxing, join a cooking a class (your future wify will be proper impressed if you can cook) learn about the rights of a husband and wife in Islam, if you can afford it go on a nice holiday, chill out, relax or if you haven't already then look towards the ultimate journey.....Hajj
    Last edited by shezad; 16-03-13 at 06:10 PM. Reason: Spelling mistake
    He who loses money, loses much.

    He who loses a friend, loses more.

    He who loses faith, loses ALL.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    At the end of the day Allah (swt) does only that what is best for us. If you get rejected by someone its because Allah (swt) has someone better in store for us or maybe because there was some harm in marrying that person like it wouldn't work out too well. We should trust Allah (swt) and be happy with whatever he decrees for us.

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    Quote Originally Posted by ssh View Post
    بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته

    Just think how amazing it will be when someone comes back with a yep after all the rejections though الحمد لله

    Try not to jump up and punch the air and do a lil dance round the room. Just be stoic and calm lulz
    That can happen sometimes just after seeing someone you finally like. Don't bother if they said yes or not yet.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Re: Processing of getting married is brutal...

    salamo alaikom
    thank you for this great topic !

 

 

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