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  1. #1
    anonymous1612
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    ashamed of my past

    I converted to Islam 3 years ago al hamdoulilah, and Allah has blessed me with a good husband, we have been married 1 ˝ years al hamdoulilah.

    After I first converted, I felt so good because I knew that all of my past sins had been wiped clean and that I was like “new” again. Over the past year this feeling has left and now I feel like my past comes back to haunt me. Let’s just say I did not have a very good past – there was rape, drugs and sexual promiscuity involved and I am so ashamed of it and I hate talking about it.

    Sometimes when I am just going about my daily life – like driving somewhere or doing something I will get some kind of a memory (not really a flash back but just thoughts) that remind me of something bad that I did – like doing drugs, or someone that I had sex with – and I am so disgusted with myself. I feel so dirty and I am so ashamed and embarrassed of my past. I don’t have much self-esteem anymore, I don’t see myself as an attractive, good wife that is worthy of anything. I always feel dirty and gross because of my past.

    My husband does know about some of the things in my past, and sometimes when we are fighting he will say very hurtful things, like how he could have married a clean, virgin woman from back home. He later on apologizes and tells me he loves me and that if he had a problem with my past he wouldn’t have married me. But deep down inside, I know that it’s true. He could have married someone that didn’t have a horrendous past, and I feel like he deserves someone better than me.

    Anyway, I don’t really know what to do anymore – I am just so disgusted with myself. I pray all the time for Allah SWT to forgive me and my past, but I can’t seem to move on myself because these thoughts and memories keep coming back to remind me of everything that I had previously done.

    Please help! barakallahu fikoum

  2. #2
    أبو برد cooldog's Avatar
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    This is ur cross to bear in this life sister..Be thankful u are within the folds of islam now and have nothing to do with that horrible stuff anymore..
    Your husband is being an ass, but I guess he brings it up to hurt u during a fight and he doesnt mean anything by it..
    Inshallah as u grow as a muslimah u will start to leave these memories behind, until then make dua ..
    قل إنما أمرت أن أعبد الله ولا أشرك به إليه أدعو وإليه مآب

  3. #3
    DontSpillPast
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    A repented past and never repeated, is in the past. You might not forget it, but dont immerse in the thoughts, when it flashes. There is no need to tell others about your buried past. Its hidden for a reason. Its hidden to give you an opportunity to make the life of others beautiful through you.

    The past is buried. You are a muslim now. Your present reality, a pious sincere, faithful you is the truth. "Learn truth". Stick to the path. Dont wander. The task is cut out for you. This marriage with muslim-husbad is your opportunity, be wise. Dont succumb to the emotional folly. May Allah Guide you, and give you peace of mind... Ameen

  4. #4
    Sincerity in Life al-siddiq's Avatar
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous1612 View Post
    I converted to Islam 3 years ago al hamdoulilah, and Allah has blessed me with a good husband, we have been married 1 ˝ years al hamdoulilah.

    After I first converted, I felt so good because I knew that all of my past sins had been wiped clean and that I was like “new” again. Over the past year this feeling has left and now I feel like my past comes back to haunt me. Let’s just say I did not have a very good past – there was rape, drugs and sexual promiscuity involved and I am so ashamed of it and I hate talking about it.

    Sometimes when I am just going about my daily life – like driving somewhere or doing something I will get some kind of a memory (not really a flash back but just thoughts) that remind me of something bad that I did – like doing drugs, or someone that I had sex with – and I am so disgusted with myself. I feel so dirty and I am so ashamed and embarrassed of my past. I don’t have much self-esteem anymore, I don’t see myself as an attractive, good wife that is worthy of anything. I always feel dirty and gross because of my past.

    My husband does know about some of the things in my past, and sometimes when we are fighting he will say very hurtful things, like how he could have married a clean, virgin woman from back home. He later on apologizes and tells me he loves me and that if he had a problem with my past he wouldn’t have married me. But deep down inside, I know that it’s true. He could have married someone that didn’t have a horrendous past, and I feel like he deserves someone better than me.

    Anyway, I don’t really know what to do anymore – I am just so disgusted with myself. I pray all the time for Allah SWT to forgive me and my past, but I can’t seem to move on myself because these thoughts and memories keep coming back to remind me of everything that I had previously done.

    Please help! barakallahu fikoum
    You know ukhti, we can change a lot of things about ourselves. The actions we do, the people we are around, the closeness we gain to Allah.

    But we are not like a computer, we cannot simply delete all our memories. The fact is, your memories will always be there. What you want to find comfort in is that A) your husband alhamdulilah does not care about these things, B) Allah truly has forgiven the one who converts for Him, C) you will be pure in jannah like everyone else.

    Feeling shame is not bad, just don't let it overwhelm you ukhti. Remind yourself always that you changed for the better, because you want to be close to Allah and go to jannah. Islam is for everyone, no matter who they are or what they went through in the past. Never forget this dear sister.
    If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

    Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
    There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

  5. #5
    ---Ali--- علي's Avatar
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    It's very bad what your husband says, but at least he apologized. Worth noting that the shaytaan will try his hardest to put these things between you, so he will push your husband. Your husband apologizes and probably legitimately feels bad for what he has said, but even if the shaytaan stops there for a little bit, he'll come back to you in order to give you ideas, "he could have done this... he could have done that!". Nothing but his desperate whispering, he loves nothing more than to ruin marriages, it's no.1 priority and when he gathers the devils and listens to the horrible sins they incited people to commit, he's not interested until the one who ruined a marriage pipes up. That one gets a pat on the head, and a seat next to satan himself.

    When it is said that sins will be wiped clean, it means it will be wiped clean. We have some of the greatest Sahabah, they have killed and they have tortured. Some of them might have buried their kids alive, since that was a practice back then, specifically with daughters. Then they submitted to the religion and become beacons of justice, leaving all that behind them because Islam came to oppose injustices and the ignorance of the dark ages. Maybe they felt guilt too, but it remains that some of these men, even with pasts like that, were promised paradise.

    Erased means erased, gone, nothing left. Expel thoughts like that from your mind. Silence them swiftly, don't dwell on them. We can control what we dwell upon, so just don't do it. Also seek refuge in Allah from the shaytaan, this is a weapon without match:

    And if there comes to you from Satan an evil suggestion, then seek refuge in Allah . Indeed, He is the Hearing, the Knowing. - Surat Fussilat (Highly specified) verse 36

    And say, "My Lord, I seek refuge in You from the incitements of the devils,

    And I seek refuge in You, my Lord , lest they be present with me."
    Al Mu'minun (The Believers) verses 97 and 98.

    Hold fast to Allah:

    So establish prayer and give zakah and hold fast to Allah . He is your protector; and excellent is the protector, and excellent is the helper.

    Seeking refuge in Allah is the best.

    Allah ybarik feeki.
    والمبادرة إلى التكفير إنما تغلب على طباع من يغلب عليهم الجهل - ابن تيمية رحمه الله - بغية المرتاد

    "Rushing towards takfir is an attitude which is dominant over those who are defeated by ignorance." - Ibn Taymiyyah Rahimahullah [Bughyatul Murtaad, page 354]

  6. #6
    Unrgistered
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    Assalaamu alaikam waramatullah


    I pray you are well and stong in eeman

    To feel disgusted and ashamed of your past is a good thing, why because it shows you have good eeman. Not to feel anything about the past is a sign that you have not got a good eeman but alhumdulilah you feel guilt and ashamed of it this is a very good thing and you should not be worried about it.

    Turn to Allah aza wajaal all the time increase the length of your sajoods and ask Allah aza wajaal to help increase your eeman. Increase in as much ibaadah as possible

  7. #7
    This too shall pass... miss-islamic's Avatar
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    Asalamualaikum sister

    One thing that can help is to rememebr that almost all the sahabas were converts and had comitted the worst sins in islam such as worshipping idols, burrying their baby daughters and many more. Allah (swt) forgives! And rememebr that the sins such as pre-marital relationship and drinking were part of the culture u grew up (as were for the sahabah) so it's not ur fault. The sad thing is when u know it's a sin and wrong as many muslims do, including the muslims in the prophet's time, but it still happens (including 'backhome') cuz they are human! The important thing is to repent. You can check this book
    http://web.youngmuslims.ca/online_li..._but/index.htm
    "Past the seeker as he prayed came the crippled and the beggar and the beaten. And seeing them...he cried, "Great God, how is it that a loving creator can see such things and yet do nothing about them?"...God said, "I did do something. I made you."" -- Sufi Teaching

  8. #8
    Odan
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    Some of the companions of the Prophet (Saws) were bitter enemies of the Prophet before they became Muslim, many became great companions afterwards, there are too many examples to give. Umar ibn al-Khattab is one good example, another being Khalid ibn al-Walid. There will never be another Umar ibn al-Khattab or Khalid ibn al-Walid. There contribution to this religion cannot be expressed in words. The Prophet (Saws) himself forgave those who hurt the Muslims immensely, Islam cleans whatever comes before it. It is important for you to remember these words.

    Please read:

    711. Shamasa said, "We were with 'Amr ibn al-'As when he was near to death. He wept for a long time and turned his face to the wall. His son began to say, 'Father, did not the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, give you the good news of that? Did not the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, give you the good news of that?' He turned his face and said, 'The best we can prepare is the testimony of "There is no god but Allah and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah." I have been through three stages. I remember when there was no one with greater enmity for the Messenger of Allah,may Allah bless him and grant him peace, than I and I wanted nothing more than to have power over him so I could kill him. If I had died in that state, I would have been one of the people of the Fire. When Allah put Islam into my heart, I came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, 'Extend your right hand so that I can offer you allegiance.' He stretched out his right hand and I withdrew my hand. He said, 'What is wrong, 'Amr?' I said, 'I want to make a condition.' He said, 'What is your condition?' I said, 'That I be forgiven.' He said, 'Do you not know that Islam wipes out everything before it and that emigration wipes out everything before it and that the pilgrimage wipes out everything before it?' There was no one I loved more than the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and no one was more esteemed in my eyes than him. I could not look him full in the face out of respect for him. If I were to be asked to describe him, I would not be able to because I could not look him full in the face. If I had died in that state, I hope that I would have been one of the people of the Garden. Then we were put in charge of things and I do not know what my state is in respect of them. When I die, no female mourner nor fire should accompany me. When you bury me, then throw the earth over me gently. Then stand around my grave for as long as it takes to slaughter a camel and divide its meat so that I can be comforted by you and see what answer I should make to the messengers of my Lord." [Muslim]
    'Do you not know that Islam wipes out everything before it and that emigration wipes out everything before it and that the pilgrimage wipes out everything before it?'

    These are the words of the Prophet (Saws), valid from the moment he uttered them to the last day. After the words of our Lord, there is no greater authority. Everytime you have these doubts and experience the whispers of the Shaytaan you must remember these words. Do not doubt, do not get frustrated or sad. Submit to your Lord completely and submit to what the Prophet (Saws) taught.

    We all say bad things out of anger, things come out, harsh words, foul language etc. when we feel rage, sadness etc. extreme emotions our mind is not at ease, we are not composed and we can say and do things which are out of character. There was a hadith where the Prophet (Saws) recommended for Muslims to not make decisions when affected by anger (or other emotions I believe). Your husband married you for a reason, because he wants to be with you, one moment of anger, one falling out over something trivial does not and cannot undo that. Its important to remember these small things from time to time. Husbands, wives, best friends, sons, daughters etc. we can all fall out from time to time, have disagreements, that is life, but please do not throw out the baby with the bathwater, do not lose perspective and don't beat yourself up over all of this.

    Also, we all do wrong. Even people that were born Muslim. Be happy and thankful that you are Muslim, that your Lord chose to guide you, that you were blessed with Islam.

    Allah (SWT)'s mercy is vast. Trust in His mercy and read the hadith of the Noble Messenger (Saws), they will fill your heart with love and give you better perspective, understanding InshAllah.

  9. #9
    anonymous1612
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    jazakAllah khairn for your resplies.

  10. #10
    الإسلام هو الحياة sis_on_sunnah's Avatar
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    Assalamu alaykum sis

    Sis, sometimes it's the tricks of the shayateen (audhobillahi min ash shaytan ir Rajim) who bring back awful memories, sometimes in dreams and sometimes in flashbacks so that we are distracted from the worship of Allah subhanahu wa ta aala and instead mope around and feel sorry for ourselves.

    We need to know that firstly, the past is the past and secondly, to feel regret is only a good thing as we can not imagine doing such acts now as practising Muslims. When you get such thoughts, say audhobillahi min ash shaytan ir Rajeem and be pleased that alhumdulillah, you are not upon such acts now. Thank your Lord, jalla wa ala, that he has chosen you from amongst his slaves and elevated your status in the jannah, if He so wills.

    If I am completely honest with you, these thoughts won't go. I have been in Islam for 4 years now wa lilahil hamd and sometimes I get dreams and flashbacks of jahilliyah which upset me a lot. Like yourself, sometimes I will randomly get memories but subhanAllah my attitude has changed. When I get these memories, I just feel so so greatful to Allah subhanahu wa ta aala for choosing Islam as my religion.

    With regard to your husband, you need to tell him firmly to stop bringing up your past. It's not fair if he keeps on bringing things up from pre Islam.tell him nicely that you are trying to forget about your past and you want to move on with your life so by him mentioning things that you don't want to hear, you feel as though you can't let go
    http://www.deenulhuq.wordpress.com

    Don't depend on anyone too much in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness ~ibn taymiyyah

  11. #11
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    Re: ashamed of my past

    Assalamu alikum sister

    Hey sis listen i too come from a haunting past, and whats worse is that i live in the same area throughout my life so whenever im driving by a certain area i remember oh i remember i had done this here, whats worse is i had basically been everywhere around my block committing sins so whenever i step foot out of the house im constantly reminded of my bad past... BUT honestly i tell myself that this is not me remembering all this.. infact its shaitan trying to mess with my head so try your best to rid yourself from his tricks its easier said than done i know but give it time... what helps is be constantly in the zikr of Allah.. recite subhanallah, alhumdulilah, allahu akbar, any little surahs or saying you know that are catchy to you

    a little something i saw maybe it'll lift u...

    Whenever shaitan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future (hell fire)


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