Complete lack of respect

[AzharFly]

Assalamu'alaikum,

I don't know where to start but I will keep it short. My daughter will kick and scream when asked to join me in prayer. She's 9 years old. One night this week, she really kicked up a fuss for Maghrib and disturbed our prayer all the way through by banging the walls, screaming etc just because she won't take her wudu and change for prayer. If this wasn't bad enough, my 11 year old son who deceives me sat in front of the computer later on, wearing nothing but skimpy shorts and slouched in a chair for his Qur'an lesson. I was so horrified as he knows better I couldn't speak other than 'No... No'. My wife who is in her mensus at the moment (and I'll explain why I stated that in a minute) got up from her bed (Just before Isha) when I asked her to in order to see what was going on and gave my son a shirt. Then as far as I could see, started defending his actions. My wife when in her mensus just 'switches off'. The kids see this and play up. When they only see me praying they think it's okay to skip as their Mum isn't etc.
I was so horrified about the complete disrespect for the Holy Qur'an I just left the house and cried and slept out in my shed about 4km away - I didn't come back that night.
My son deceives me in almost every way. He can't be bothered to wash his feet when taking wudu, he pretends to pray (in his bedroom with his door shut) when actually he's doing anything but prayer. I have struggled with him for years and years. I feel I have brought them up with good guidance paying particular attention to the Sunnah and the Holy Qur'an and always provide real life examples.
I really don't know what to do. This threw me in a deep state of sorrow, not depression, but real sorrow. I can hardly bare look at my son and my wife and I haven't spoken apart from 'Salam' for two days.
I don't know what exactly I'm asking for here, I just need to get it out in the open as I have no friends here in this town. I live in rural Australia and there are no other Muslims around.
I really feel alone in this.
I've tried so hard.

Azhar

[262]

262 is very saddened by your situation. maybe other members will give some consoling advice, inshaAllah.
All 262 will say is you must be strict and firm with the children. You mustn't let them get away with the behaviour.There should be some form of discipline.Wallahu a'lam
There is an ayah in the qur'aan which one can read on a regular basis for obedient children inshaALLAH.

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.

[inprogress]

You said no other Muslims are around, so I am assuming all your children's peers are non Muslims. At this age children really start looking up to the friends, and you need to do what it takes to be sure those friends are practicing Muslims. Surround them with a community that loves Allah.

[Salams2All]

Wa Alaykum Assalam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu

Is it possible to move? If you could that'll be the best solution and if you cannot get your children home schooled it might seem like an extreme thing to do, but it'll be worth it in the end. Also instill the fear of Jahanam into their hearts and also give them hope that they'll attain Jannah if they're good Muslims.

[Umm-Luqman]

Wa alaykum as salaam ahki

I would also advise to try your best to move away maybe to a Muslim country if that's impossible at the moment you should move to a good Islamic environment inshallah. Subhanallah may Allah make easy for you. Inshallah have lots if Sabr and make dua for them. I think you should also try to reward them for every good deed they do, tell them stories, go to an Islamic events together etc. they are still kids and they would love it, and also try to get Islamic children quiz, that will encourage them to learn if they didn't knew certain questions.inshallah

May Allah make your children pious and keep them cool in your eyes . Amen

[muslimgirl93]

Try using some positive reinforcement for when they obey or do good and punish them (for example by taking away a game) when they don't. Continue teaching them about Islam. They need to know who's in charge so don't be afraid of being a little more strict and firm when handling situations involving them. But don't overdo it, you don't want them to end up rebelling. Also, since they're young stick to teaching the basics...you want them to be able to emulate and understand what you do and why.

Also make tons of Dua.

I had very little care for religion in the past, I only did religious activities when told or forced to. But my parents continued teaching me. And last year, I started to research and read more and more about Islam on my own...and in this short period of time...I've come a long way from where I was. I'm thankful for what my parents taught me, I already knew so much...I just had to put it into action. So don't run away or give up, it's never too late.

[candyapple]

Salam, bear in mind this is a test from Allah

I will be harsh with you.

If your children are influenced by TV, computer, music, expect this to happen.

Also are you being so tough on them that you're making their lives miserable?

Its NOT fardh upon kids to pray untill the age when they reach puberty.

You need to place the love of Allah in them.

To them it feels like (I'm assuming) punishment. So flip this mentality.

Tell the stories of the prophets, adam, nuh, ibrahim, mus, yunus, yusuf..

I teach my kids all these stories and many more, my sons 88888 he's the eldest, daughters a lil younger, they're maashAllah tabarakAllah the opposite to your kids in regards to prayer.

I don't make islam miserable anden upon them, I help them feel the love (with Allah's help) and I tell them stories that I find amusing, e.g: when musa was about to die, he punched the angel and spoiled the angel's eye. So he went and complained to Allah, Allah mended the eye and instructed musa to place his hand over an ox, so musa asked "and then what?" So the angel replied, " each hair of the ox that your hand took hold of represents a year of life, after that you must die" so musa is like, oh, why not now. So dies.

There are countless fun facts about islam, many stories, soo many inspiration.

Bond with your kids, ask them what they want in life and don't feel alarmed if its not related to islam.

Another thing you mention is, your kids "dicieve you"

They're children, go easy.

Maybe you need to make it easy on them to be honest with you.

Look to yourself, often its actially parents who need to change tactics

Make du'aa

[Ikki]

First of all, both you and your wife need to come to an agreement about dicipline and what is expected of the children. Even if one parent isn't well enough to help, they should support the other parent, otherwise children will see a crack and exploit it. Kids are very good at gaining power by making their parents fight.

If your daughter was kicking and screaming so much, I think there might be more general behaviour problems to be sorted out. doe she behave like this other time you ask her do to something. Does your son decieve you in other matters?

It sounds like your children take quran lessons from the computer? It might help to surround them by muslim society once in a while by enrolling them in a madrassa if possible.

Wife: Is there some medical reason why your wife takes to her bed during this time? maybe she needs vitamins, as anemia can make one feel very weak and lethargic and bad tempered. Proper treatment can make a world of difference, there's nothing like freedom from illness to make you realise what freedom means.

Keep trying to teach your children and praying for your whole family. Please don't despair of the rahmat of Allah SWT. And remember the prayers of the parent for the children are always answered in shallah.

[abubakarbristol]

Assalamu'alaikum,

I don't know where to start but I will keep it short. My daughter will kick and scream when asked to join me in prayer. She's 9 years old. One night this week, she really kicked up a fuss for Maghrib and disturbed our prayer all the way through by banging the walls, screaming etc just because she won't take her wudu and change for prayer. If this wasn't bad enough, my 11 year old son who deceives me sat in front of the computer later on, wearing nothing but skimpy shorts and slouched in a chair for his Qur'an lesson. I was so horrified as he knows better I couldn't speak other than 'No... No'. My wife who is in her mensus at the moment (and I'll explain why I stated that in a minute) got up from her bed (Just before Isha) when I asked her to in order to see what was going on and gave my son a shirt. Then as far as I could see, started defending his actions. My wife when in her mensus just 'switches off'. The kids see this and play up. When they only see me praying they think it's okay to skip as their Mum isn't etc.
I was so horrified about the complete disrespect for the Holy Qur'an I just left the house and cried and slept out in my shed about 4km away - I didn't come back that night.
My son deceives me in almost every way. He can't be bothered to wash his feet when taking wudu, he pretends to pray (in his bedroom with his door shut) when actually he's doing anything but prayer. I have struggled with him for years and years. I feel I have brought them up with good guidance paying particular attention to the Sunnah and the Holy Qur'an and always provide real life examples.
I really don't know what to do. This threw me in a deep state of sorrow, not depression, but real sorrow. I can hardly bare look at my son and my wife and I haven't spoken apart from 'Salam' for two days.
I don't know what exactly I'm asking for here, I just need to get it out in the open as I have no friends here in this town. I live in rural Australia and there are no other Muslims around.
I really feel alone in this.
I've tried so hard.

Azhar

Brother

There are several issues that I see here from your short post.

First is however your daughter behaves during prayer continue the prayer and deal with her after you have completed at least the fard. Then deal with her. Naughty step/corner usually works on children of that age and with that behaviour. And it is enforced fully, so that if you put her there for 5 minutes she completes 5 minutes, if she breaks it, then the 5 minutes start again.

Secondly your son, you tell him once, if he doesn't do it, you tell him and warn him, if he still doesn't do it you turn off computer and naughty step him or isolate him (which ever punishment you choose to use), same applies, punishment is fully completed.

Punishment ends with an apology from the child and a hug or kiss, showing that it is over (from both sides).

You need to be steadfast, and you need to win, because if you don't win ALL of you loose.

When punishing, you explain ONCE, after that you talk less and less, so that if a child breaks the punishment for a second time, you say nothing except go back to the naughty corner/step.

It appears that you have abdicated your responsibility to discipline your kids for too long, step up to the mark and be firm, you will have it sorted inside 2 weeks (probably inside one). You will be more confident about administering discipline and therefore the kids wont play up half as much.


To balance this, you need to do positive activities with the kids.

As far as not doing wudu is concerned, you stick to your guns, these are not your rules, wudu is done properly, no ifs no buts; your children are at an age where they don't have to pray but should be encouraged to, make sure your son knows that it is part of being an adult Muslim.

Your son prays with his door open, you can check him any time you want, your the Dad, you are in charge.

It is easier to bring up kids in or near a Muslim community, think seriously about moving.

Inshallah this will be of some help.

[shazj]

I dont have children so I'm not really in a place to give advice but if you are at home during salah, make sure the children pray behind you so you all pray together. You just have to be strong and firm, remember you are the adult.

May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen

[ceeri_sista]

^ That's good advice. And the mom can still call the kids to pray even if she doesn't have to pray.
It would be weird if all of a sudden she wasn't calling the kids. It would confuse them and during that time she can just sit in her room.

Because you obviously wouldn't be able to explain it.
Take your son to the masjid to pray in jamaa' as often as you can. Hopefully he will make good friends that are hufaadh, and that are regular with their salaah.

They need motivation, positive reinforcement, and new friends.

They are still young so insha'allah make sure you teach them about salaah. Why it's necessary to pray 5 times, get them to memorize Quraan, and read to them the seerah of the rasoul P.B.U.H, and the khulafaa' al raashidoon.

Try to be more involved in their lives, and come up with a schedule so it can accommodate their studies, activities, and some time for socializing.

Kheer insha'allah.

[deen1984]

worst type of children are spoilt brats. you need to discipline them, punish them at times they deserve it. some relatives i know don't keep a TV at home and their kids are very intelligent, sociable and well-behaved mashallah. TV, computers spoil kids too much.

[Pippin1376]

Have you possibly thought of doing a reward system with them? Tell them that they'll get a gold star every time they do Salah. When they get 20 stars then you'll get them ice cream or something. If they get 60 stars you'll take them somewhere. Once they see that they're getting a reward for Salah they'll start to do it more. Then remind them that the reward with Allah is even greater. Ask them what they want the more and tell them that Allah has it for them in Jannah because you can get anything there.

If your daughter screams and shouts remind her of the stars. If she still does it, even after giving her another warning, then go to the naughty corner for a time out. But whatever you do, don't just walk away. You're teaching them that they can get away with bad behaviour.

And of course make lots and lots of du'a. May Allah ease your situation. Ameen.

[truepath]

A few things here. First and foremost is there a way you can move from where you are living right now and relocate at least to Brisbane? Kuraby on south side Brisbane would be the best part to move as the environment and muslim community is strong there mashaAllah. This is very important. Even if your job is very important for you, however, one need's to compromise on one thing in order to get something else. So I think you should seriously explore the possibility to relocate to Brisbane atleast. Your kids need an environment and you cannot get it in these remote areas.

We have brother's who go out in jamaats to visit muslim brothers within Queensland state, however, its hard to cover the whole state. Jamaats have been to Bandeburg, Gladstone, Rockhampton, Mackay, Townsville (which would be closes to you, it far enough) and even as far as Cairns. However, its quite difficult to cover the inland areas as its not possible to know how many muslims actually live there.

How many muslims live in Charters town? Do you guys have masjid/musallah? Does Jumuah prayer takes place? Otherwise, I find it very hard for kids to find Islamic environment. You can't blame them if they are drifting away because its a tender age and who should they look to or be inspired from if they find Islam to be something alien in the town they live in?

I have been to as far as Bundaburg and state of Muslims in Queensland is very weak. There are many cases of muslim families from areas such as Mackay, Mareeba etc where daughters of muslim parents are marrying non-muslim aussie blokes and families giving up on Islam only because there is no environment and there is no community to support them. So people are just doing as they like because of the weakness of Imaan which is due to lack of effort on deen and lack of environment.

So, while you explore the possibility of relocating, there are a few things you can reflect upon.

1. Scholars say that if a person sees that his children are disobedient to him then he should check if his earnings are halal. So, ensure that you are making a halal earning. I hope you will not take it in a negative manner, however it's food for thought.

2. In order to motivate your kids to pray, develop thirst in them for it. Do the children actually know what they get if they pray? Besides just the general "thawaab/hasanaat/reward" etc? Human nature is greedy and we all run towards that where we see the benefit. So, to encourage children to pray, start the halaqa of 'taleem' in your house. Just sit with all your family members and at the beginning conduct taleem everyday only for 10 mins... read book such as riyadh us sawliheen, muntakhab ahadith etc. Just 10 mins and read one hadith from each section. You can also take turns, like one day you read, next day your son, following day your daughter etc. Or like few ahadith read by you, then by your son then next day your son and daughter read few ahadith etc. Introduce this practice and you will notice a change in your house in a few months inshaAllah. The ahadith of the prophet are like a noor (light of guidance) and it effects the heart of the person, both reader and listener. When they listen to the rewards of what they get from praying on a daily basis, it would motivate them to pray. So conduct the halaqa of taleem punctually.

3. Lastly, make dua for your family members to Allah to make them firm on deen, on all occassions when dua is accepted, such as after fardh salah, at tahajjud time, between asr and maghrib on the day of Jumuah etc.

PM me your number inshaAllah, I can give you a call and we can be in touch. I can let you know if any brothers are visiting up north in coming months.