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  1. #1
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    Icon9 seeking advice for my married life.....

    Asalam e likum Everyone;

    I hope all of you will be doing great Insha-Allah. I so much want Islamic counseling and advice to make my marital life happy and contented.... I really dun knw where to start from.....

    Well..... I am an educated and professional lady in my early 30s. few months back i had my Nikah. My husband lives in Australia (citizen) since the last 10 years while im living in Pakistan. Soon after our Nikah, my husband went back. the documents are in the process and as soon as i get my visa, he will come back and the formal wedding (ruskhsati) will be arranged and i will leave with him.

    The thing im worried about is..... my husband is not at all romantic.... rather super practical man..... he is in his late 30s. its been eight months to our Nikah and he has never ever said me that he miss me or waiting for me to join him soon...... rather he is very formal when ever we talk.... as per the information (authentic) my family gathered about him before our Nikah was done, he is a hard working man and apart from his job hours, we usually just see few firends. he do not attend parties, and is a home lover kind of person. Also he do not have any girl friend....

    I understand and except that we are in our mature age, but it does not mean that we should not have any feelings..... where, a husband-wife realtionship is a beautiful, delicate and a romantic relationship.... He is friendly, also shares laughters sometimes..... but jus like a firend...... if we were only engaged, i could have thought that is being careful, which is really good, but im his wife..... and he never shared any good thoughts.... i have heard dozen's of friends/cuzins where couples plan for their future, build understanding.....

    can anyone help me? is it normal? he also never send me a gift, or even a greeting card to make me feel good. once when i asked him in general about this, he jus said, oh im sorry, keep the record for future when u join me.... once i said i was missing him, he said... very good, but when i asked him, do u miss me.... he replied .... im not at all romantic so i dun knw how to say such things....... he says he do not want to use typical words like 'i miss you' that freaked me out...... though i didnt show him anything but i got so much tense.... how can a husband say this to his wife????

    i dun feel it a normal thing.... much worried about my marital life.... any guidence?????

    thanks in advance friends....

    wasalam

  2. #2
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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....



    I'm not married so my advice may not be great but I think since you just got married things are still not fully in place you know what I mean?

    Until you start living together etc than he will be more open.

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    wa alaikuma salaam sis,

    I think you really get to know a person when you live under the same roof.. Maybe he's not a man of words, but a man of actions.. You will find out inshaa Allaah
    when you live together, he'll get to know you much better and vice versa..

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Some men just don't have a romantic gene. It doesn't mean he'll be a bad husband. You guys don't really know each other, so in a way, there's really nothing for him to miss, you know what I mean? Just wait till you start living together and build a life. If he's friendly and you laugh together, that's very good.

    Maybe you can create opportunities for him to feel good about himself when you guys talk. Ask him about something that he knows really well, ask him about Australia, that sort of thing. I wouldn't worry too much. He married you, so he must think that being together with you is not a bad thing.

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    Icon11 Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    oh.... thank you so much ladies ).... feeling light... shewwwww..... .

    yeah i hope so that the things gonna get better after we start living together..... plz remember me in prayers that i get my visa soon and get a happy married life. Aameen

    MAY ALL OF YOU GET THE BEST AND COUNTLESS BLESSINGS - AAMEEN

    WASALAM

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Inshallah itll be ok when you start living with him

    at the end of the day he is a grown man who chose to say yes to marrying you

    We are all different, some are over affectionate and some are not.

    Some are robots ..some are not
    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
    ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
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  7. #7
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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Musalmah View Post
    oh.... thank you so much ladies and Brother ).... feeling light... shewwwww..... .

    yeah i hope so that the things gonna get better after we start living together..... plz remember me in prayers that i get my visa soon and get a happy married life. Aameen

    MAY ALL OF YOU GET THE BEST AND COUNTLESS BLESSINGS - AAMEEN

    WASALAM

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Muslimah1989 View Post
    wa alaikuma salaam sis,

    I think you really get to know a person when you live under the same roof.. Maybe he's not a man of words, but a man of actions.. You will find out inshaa Allaah
    when you live together, he'll get to know you much better and vice versa..
    I agree to this, have patience til you live with him and you get to know each other
    أشهد أن لا إله إلاَّ الله و أشهد أن محمد رسول الله

  9. #9
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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    he might be waiting for your first romantic word
    There is a clock on your forehead counting down to the time of your death. Only Allah knows how many seconds are left on it

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    I think when you're together, you can teach him how to be romantic in a nice way. Some men come from a background where they had no women interaction (ie. no sisters etc), so they don't understand women that well or haven't experienced being around women enough. Maybe because of this he doesnt know how to or feels uncomfortable. talk to him

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Musalmah View Post
    Asalam e likum Everyone;

    I hope all of you will be doing great Insha-Allah. I so much want Islamic counseling and advice to make my marital life happy and contented.... I really dun knw where to start from.....

    Well..... I am an educated and professional lady in my early 30s. few months back i had my Nikah. My husband lives in Australia (citizen) since the last 10 years while im living in Pakistan. Soon after our Nikah, my husband went back. the documents are in the process and as soon as i get my visa, he will come back and the formal wedding (ruskhsati) will be arranged and i will leave with him.

    The thing im worried about is..... my husband is not at all romantic.... rather super practical man..... he is in his late 30s. its been eight months to our Nikah and he has never ever said me that he miss me or waiting for me to join him soon...... rather he is very formal when ever we talk.... as per the information (authentic) my family gathered about him before our Nikah was done, he is a hard working man and apart from his job hours, we usually just see few firends. he do not attend parties, and is a home lover kind of person. Also he do not have any girl friend....

    I understand and except that we are in our mature age, but it does not mean that we should not have any feelings..... where, a husband-wife realtionship is a beautiful, delicate and a romantic relationship.... He is friendly, also shares laughters sometimes..... but jus like a firend...... if we were only engaged, i could have thought that is being careful, which is really good, but im his wife..... and he never shared any good thoughts.... i have heard dozen's of friends/cuzins where couples plan for their future, build understanding.....

    can anyone help me? is it normal? he also never send me a gift, or even a greeting card to make me feel good. once when i asked him in general about this, he jus said, oh im sorry, keep the record for future when u join me.... once i said i was missing him, he said... very good, but when i asked him, do u miss me.... he replied .... im not at all romantic so i dun knw how to say such things....... he says he do not want to use typical words like 'i miss you' that freaked me out...... though i didnt show him anything but i got so much tense.... how can a husband say this to his wife????

    i dun feel it a normal thing.... much worried about my marital life.... any guidence?????

    thanks in advance friends....

    wasalam
    k someone explain please why is it in some cultures you have the nikkah like a week before then you have the mehndi etc...and then you have a 'wedding or ruksati', because at the stage of nikkah the bride and groom are married .....

    please note i am only asking a question as to why this happens, so i can clearly understand myself

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    Icon7 Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Seekingthepath View Post
    k someone explain please why is it in some cultures you have the nikkah like a week before then you have the mehndi etc...and then you have a 'wedding or ruksati', because at the stage of nikkah the bride and groom are married .....

    please note i am only asking a question as to why this happens, so i can clearly understand myself

    Salam Seekingthepath;

    You are right. Nikkah is an Islamic official marriage document which is followed by rukhsati and walima (reception). Where rukhsati is suggested to be simple whereas walima is high profile to announce the relationship.

    But every region has some additional customs and traditions. It is sunnah to put Mehandi on Brides hands and nails before nikkah.... The Beloved daughter Bibi Fatimah of Prophet Muhammad Peace and blessings be upon him, had put mehandi before her nikkah.

    But the traditions have been molded now, these are celebrated in big magnitude with combined gatherings of men and women, dances, music has also been a kind of mandatory part of a wedding ceremony which is really prohibited in Islam. There are still many families in Pakistan that discourage huge mehandi ceremonies, combine gatherings, dances and music.

    As far as Nikkah before rukhsati is concerned, it is done for different reasons. In my case, as my husband lives abroad, it is done before rukhsati so that before the proper wedding (rukhsati) my visa is ready. Some families prefer Nikkah over engagements. sometimes, to save time on the rukhsati ceremony, few families arrange Nikkah before a week.....

    I hope it staisfies but if any confusion left, you are welcome to ask any question

    Regards - wasalam

  13. #13
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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Muslmah! My hubby is exactly like this as you mentioned above.Unromantic! Practical and bla bla bla....The good thing is that...he knows how to provide comfort to me regarding
    living standards etc...Such men ll take time.It has taken him 2 and a half yrs to say that he loves me hahahaha....

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by lighteningzz View Post
    Muslmah! My hubby is exactly like this as you mentioned above.Unromantic! Practical and bla bla bla....The good thing is that...he knows how to provide comfort to me regarding
    living standards etc...Such men ll take time.It has taken him 2 and a half yrs to say that he loves me hahahaha....
    oh really..... well 2 and a half yrz are too much ... lolzz.... but congrats At Last he said this ) and i wish he keep on loving you for the rest of your lives ... Aameen

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Musalmah View Post
    Asalam e likum Everyone;

    I hope all of you will be doing great Insha-Allah. I so much want Islamic counseling and advice to make my marital life happy and contented.... I really dun knw where to start from.....

    Well..... I am an educated and professional lady in my early 30s. few months back i had my Nikah. My husband lives in Australia (citizen) since the last 10 years while im living in Pakistan. Soon after our Nikah, my husband went back. the documents are in the process and as soon as i get my visa, he will come back and the formal wedding (ruskhsati) will be arranged and i will leave with him.

    The thing im worried about is..... my husband is not at all romantic.... rather super practical man..... he is in his late 30s. its been eight months to our Nikah and he has never ever said me that he miss me or waiting for me to join him soon...... rather he is very formal when ever we talk.... as per the information (authentic) my family gathered about him before our Nikah was done, he is a hard working man and apart from his job hours, we usually just see few firends. he do not attend parties, and is a home lover kind of person. Also he do not have any girl friend....

    I understand and except that we are in our mature age, but it does not mean that we should not have any feelings..... where, a husband-wife realtionship is a beautiful, delicate and a romantic relationship.... He is friendly, also shares laughters sometimes..... but jus like a firend...... if we were only engaged, i could have thought that is being careful, which is really good, but im his wife..... and he never shared any good thoughts.... i have heard dozen's of friends/cuzins where couples plan for their future, build understanding.....

    can anyone help me? is it normal? he also never send me a gift, or even a greeting card to make me feel good. once when i asked him in general about this, he jus said, oh im sorry, keep the record for future when u join me.... once i said i was missing him, he said... very good, but when i asked him, do u miss me.... he replied .... im not at all romantic so i dun knw how to say such things....... he says he do not want to use typical words like 'i miss you' that freaked me out...... though i didnt show him anything but i got so much tense.... how can a husband say this to his wife????

    i dun feel it a normal thing.... much worried about my marital life.... any guidence?????

    thanks in advance friends....

    wasalam

    Hmmmmmmmm...this guy sounds a lot like me Lol.Shyness could be a reason .Eventhough it is your wife sometimes you tend to think i don't know how to go about this or will i make a fool of myself or stuff like that.When this happens unconsciously the guy becomes stuck in his own world and very self-absorbed so to speak.
    Yes some have the art of naturally being romantic ,for others it takes time and comes with a bit of experience in doing stuff ,self confidence etc.....

    As most people pointed out here what matters most is his deen and his character ...Romance will follow InshaAllah.

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Musalmah View Post
    Salam Seekingthepath;

    You are right. Nikkah is an Islamic official marriage document which is followed by rukhsati and walima (reception). Where rukhsati is suggested to be simple whereas walima is high profile to announce the relationship.

    But every region has some additional customs and traditions. It is sunnah to put Mehandi on Brides hands and nails before nikkah.... The Beloved daughter Bibi Fatimah of Prophet Muhammad Peace and blessings be upon him, had put mehandi before her nikkah.

    But the traditions have been molded now, these are celebrated in big magnitude with combined gatherings of men and women, dances, music has also been a kind of mandatory part of a wedding ceremony which is really prohibited in Islam. There are still many families in Pakistan that discourage huge mehandi ceremonies, combine gatherings, dances and music.

    As far as Nikkah before rukhsati is concerned, it is done for different reasons. In my case, as my husband lives abroad, it is done before rukhsati so that before the proper wedding (rukhsati) my visa is ready. Some families prefer Nikkah over engagements. sometimes, to save time on the rukhsati ceremony, few families arrange Nikkah before a week.....

    I hope it staisfies but if any confusion left, you are welcome to ask any question

    Regards - wasalam
    thanks for the reply, i suppose for the purpose of sorting out your visa it makes sense, however, how about the people who like 'live next door to on another'?

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Looking back over our marriage it is quite clear to me now that my wife taught me how to be romantic and to reassure her that I loved her.

    He sounds like he has many good qualities and Inshallah with a little guidance will make a good husband.
    Last edited by abubakarbristol; 03-10-12 at 09:54 AM.

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Musalmah View Post
    oh really..... well 2 and a half yrz are too much ... lolzz.... but congrats At Last he said this ) and i wish he keep on loving you for the rest of your lives ... Aameen
    Thanks dear...i am still expecting flowers from him ...atleast once in a life time...a red rose ...its just my wish.

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    And i forgot to mention sister..that in pakistan mostly guys are busy in many problems these days...earning etc...many responsibilites...so yeah that explains it.

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    It is so damn stupid and unmanly to ever say the L word. The entire concept of love makes me puke.

    However, clever men would use this phrase to pacify their wives. Normally, it is just an empty speech; they are never true to what they say.

    I will frequently use these hollow words for my wife. LOLZ

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by peace keeper View Post
    It is so damn stupid and unmanly to ever say the L word. The entire concept of love makes me puke.

    However, clever men would use this phrase to pacify their wives. Normally, it is just an empty speech; they are never true to what they say.

    I will frequently use these hollow words for my wife. LOLZ
    depends on the woman, women would rather see actions rather than the four letter word
    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
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  22. #22
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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
    depends on the woman, women would rather see actions rather than the four letter word
    A bit of both doesn't hurt.

  23. #23
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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by peace keeper View Post
    It is so damn stupid and unmanly to ever say the L word. The entire concept of love makes me puke.

    However, clever men would use this phrase to pacify their wives. Normally, it is just an empty speech; they are never true to what they say.

    I will frequently use these hollow words for my wife. LOLZ
    Pretty much all your posts make men out to be these disingenuous people who just want to manipulate their wives for some reason. Believe it or not, there are people out there who genuinely like the woman they've teamed up with and are pleased with the idea of treating her well and keeping her happy for the sake of Allah (swt) and not for the sake of some personal gain.

    Also your posts are simply contrary to the words of The Creator Himself, when He says:

    And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.

    This is a description of the normal human being, and so this contradicts your statement that "normally" it's just empty speech.
    والمبادرة إلى التكفير إنما تغلب على طباع من يغلب عليهم الجهل - ابن تيمية رحمه الله - بغية المرتاد

    "Rushing towards takfir is an attitude which is dominant over those who are defeated by ignorance." - Ibn Taymiyyah Rahimahullah [Bughyatul Murtaad, page 354]

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    Quote Originally Posted by peace keeper View Post
    It is so damn stupid and unmanly to ever say the L word. The entire concept of love makes me puke.

    However, clever men would use this phrase to pacify their wives. Normally, it is just an empty speech; they are never true to what they say.

    I will frequently use these hollow words for my wife. LOLZ

    Quote Originally Posted by علي View Post
    Pretty much all your posts make men out to be these disingenuous people who just want to manipulate their wives for some reason. Believe it or not, there are people out there who genuinely like the woman they've teamed up with and are pleased with the idea of treating her well and keeping her happy for the sake of Allah (swt) and not for the sake of some personal gain.

    Also your posts are simply contrary to the words of The Creator Himself, when He says:

    And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.

    This is a description of the normal human being, and so this contradicts your statement that "normally" it's just empty speech.
    Feeling the heat Peacekeeper? You've just been burned Badaam!
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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    wonderful post Ali bhai...

    Husband and wife should share nice words and effection to one another to make their unit (family) a happy one, which enables them remain together in every thick and thin.

    good wishes to everyone..... keep me in prayers

    Wasalam

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    I think some people just have some discomfort with intimacy and have a hard time saying things like I love and miss you. Maybe they are from families where the parents never said this to the children and they never saw their parents say it to each other either, so the whole thing might be a little foreign to them. I have a female friend who said this was the case with her in the beginning of her marriage. I don't think it means they are not feeling anything or they don't have romantic feelings towards you. It may just be that they feel really awkward expressing it with words. When you start living together he will likely find other ways of expressing it inshaallah. Congratulations on your marriage!
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Re: seeking advice for my married life.....

    As a guy, I can assure you sister that some of us have to 'work' on our ability to express our romance and as one of the previous posters commented, to make sure it doesnt come out in an awkward/unnatural manner. As wierd as this sounds its in the fitrah of a man to be more 'blokey' than romeo.

    Also, I don't mean to be taking over your post sister but leading on from this post (for mine and for other brothers benefit iA) what pieces of advice would be given, and how, to increase/express the husbands romance?

    JzkA kh.


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