Assalaam alaikum everyone,
I'm new to posting to the forums but I often read the older threads that often come up online. I'm a recent convert that needs a lot of help with a particular issue. This issue is causing me a lot of problems, and causing me to contemplate self-destructive behaviours I thought I gave up when I became Muslim. So please, please... be sensitive to this fact and here's my issue.
A year before converting, I was in a horrible, abusive relationship that didn't last long (alhumdilullah), and went back to school depressed as ever. A classmate of mine noticed this (we only just met), and he started to become my friend. I would see my abusive boyfriend in the hallway, and my friend would distract me or tell me that anyone who could take advantage of me in that way didn't deserve me. He knew that I was upset, so he'd make an effort to keep a watch over me and make sure I wasn't alone so I couldn't do anything to harm myself.
He helped me pick myself back up again, and be my old self before I got hurt. We matched up so perfectly, it was only eventual that we got into a relationship. Again, he was there for me when I got sick and had to stay in the hospital (he brought me to the hospital, and stayed with me the entire time). He's sacrificed so much to make sure that I was okay, and has never pushed me to do anything I didn't want. I've been in relationships before, but I've never felt this way about anyone. If it wasn't for him, I might not have been here today.
Now, I've converted and am looking to make my life work in a halal way. Obviously, boyfriends are not halal, so we're trying to make this work. He's a born Muslim, but was not brought up to have a strong imaan.** We want to make this work, we both consider each other soul-mates. We don't want children (I also have a condition that would make it difficult to conceive), and we have similar goals in life.
But the issue of marriage is making me go crazy. If we get married, that would only be the beginning of issues. If we got married, we would have problems because what if he's not "Muslim" enough? Or even "Muslim" at all? Then that would defeat the whole purpose of nikkah, as the marriage would be invalid. And his parents/my parents would definitively not want us getting married at 21, so we'd have to do it secretly.
Please... can anyone help? I'm sorry this sound so pathetic...
**He doubts a lot of Islam, and could be considered an agnostic at times. He says like, if there is a God and this God lives outside of our universe, then that God is not apart of our reality and therefore why should we care if that thing is not real in our world? Can someone help me figure out this argument?