Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

[HmInh]

Assalaam alaikum everyone,
I'm new to posting to the forums but I often read the older threads that often come up online. I'm a recent convert that needs a lot of help with a particular issue. This issue is causing me a lot of problems, and causing me to contemplate self-destructive behaviours I thought I gave up when I became Muslim. So please, please... be sensitive to this fact and here's my issue.
A year before converting, I was in a horrible, abusive relationship that didn't last long (alhumdilullah), and went back to school depressed as ever. A classmate of mine noticed this (we only just met), and he started to become my friend. I would see my abusive boyfriend in the hallway, and my friend would distract me or tell me that anyone who could take advantage of me in that way didn't deserve me. He knew that I was upset, so he'd make an effort to keep a watch over me and make sure I wasn't alone so I couldn't do anything to harm myself.

He helped me pick myself back up again, and be my old self before I got hurt. We matched up so perfectly, it was only eventual that we got into a relationship. Again, he was there for me when I got sick and had to stay in the hospital (he brought me to the hospital, and stayed with me the entire time). He's sacrificed so much to make sure that I was okay, and has never pushed me to do anything I didn't want. I've been in relationships before, but I've never felt this way about anyone. If it wasn't for him, I might not have been here today.

Now, I've converted and am looking to make my life work in a halal way. Obviously, boyfriends are not halal, so we're trying to make this work. He's a born Muslim, but was not brought up to have a strong imaan.** We want to make this work, we both consider each other soul-mates. We don't want children (I also have a condition that would make it difficult to conceive), and we have similar goals in life.

But the issue of marriage is making me go crazy. If we get married, that would only be the beginning of issues. If we got married, we would have problems because what if he's not "Muslim" enough? Or even "Muslim" at all? Then that would defeat the whole purpose of nikkah, as the marriage would be invalid. And his parents/my parents would definitively not want us getting married at 21, so we'd have to do it secretly.

Please... can anyone help? I'm sorry this sound so pathetic...

**He doubts a lot of Islam, and could be considered an agnostic at times. He says like, if there is a God and this God lives outside of our universe, then that God is not apart of our reality and therefore why should we care if that thing is not real in our world? Can someone help me figure out this argument?

[Yahya2092]

Well if he wants paradise he should care, after all it will be him reaping the reward Insha Allah. If he doesn't want to go hell then he should care. You wil be surpised because I have heard this statement before ''I'm going hell so what''. So some people accept heaven and hell and even then they don't want to go through the hardhips to avoid hell and enter heaven. So I think his question is ''Why isn't Allah with us if he wants us to worship him?'' Allah answers our Du'aa so he is with us in a way. However Allah does it in such a way that our faith is being tested.

Look I want to go to heaven right now! If I had the choice I wouldn't want to have been part of this test and I would have wanted to be with Allah from the beginning. However, Allah has decided to test us in this way and we should try and pass it (with excellence) Insha Allah.

As for why Allah has decided to test us in the first place .maybe we will never have an answer or maybe the answer is out there already 9I haven't researched this myself). I need to gain knowledge fast myself because were I am from people will say ''you have a beard?'' So you say ''yeah for religious reasons'' and they say ''why does your religion ask you to have a beard? They don't really care about the reason 9/10 they just want me to question, and eventually leave my faith. This is assuming your boyfreind does believe in Allah? If he doesn't then he can go to people who are more knowledgable then me who will prove to him otherwise. If the he continues like this you should just not marry him at all.

This ''love'' for him that you may think you have will die down for sure. It may take months, but it will die down (I know) and then you can enter a safe marriage Insha Allah. Am sorry if my answer was not adequate, my knowledge of the deen is quite small for now.

[HmInh]

Thank you for your answer, I needed to hear back from someone on this.
I've heard a lot of people say that the emotions I have for him will die down, but I don't want them to. I would rather risk being a sinner than not being in this relationship. I'm not trying to sound like I'm committing shirk, I just would not be as happy with anyone else as I am with him. I would stay celibate for my entire life if I couldn't be in a relationship with him, that's how serious I am.

But to someone who's doubting whether or not we can understand if there is a Creator, the issue of hell/heaven is secondary. It's like, if you're doubting "la ilaha allah", then that's the first issue.
Thank you again for your answer.

[Yahya2092]

At first I gave the advice of producing proof because it seemed like you weren't taking ''leave him'' for an answer so I thought the lesser of two evils. Give him da'wah and get married Insha Allah.However, I realised this was wrong so I edited my post. I will not advice you acheive something halal through haraam means.

If you believe that is good enough, as for your feelings for him, yes they will die down. You feel like they won't now, but you don't know the future. As a muslim I should try and prevent my brothers and sisters from apotasizing, however if any muslim does become an apostate Allah will bring someone better into this religion (this is very comforting for me). So yeah I advice remain a muslim and leave him.

[Perseveranze]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

Sister, I don't know how to say this, but I would not advise you to marry him. I know how hard this may be for you to ever accept, due to your attachment to the person and how you feel you owe them etc. But look at it like this;

You say he's weak in faith. You marry him, and down the line there's a good chance he may denounce Islam or have no belief in it. What then? Not only would you marriage not be recognized by Islam, but for every moment you're with him, it will be that same haram "boyfriend" situation; and by having intercourse it would be committing a major sin such as fornication.

Not only this, but what about yourself? Is it really going to help your own imaan, if the person you're always with has no imaan at all? The ever saying; "your influenced by the people you're around" is so true. You're a convert, and you still have a lot to learn, such a marriage can be hurtful to your belief in God.

I don't know what to say, but realise that, if this person hadn't been there for you, Allah(swt) would've found someone else to take care of you. He would always have found you a way if you simply put your trust and faith in him. It was because of Allah(swt) that you're here today, not because of the actions of any created being.

**He doubts a lot of Islam, and could be considered an agnostic at times. He says like, if there is a God and this God lives outside of our universe, then that God is not apart of our reality and therefore why should we care if that thing is not real in our world? Can someone help me figure out this argument?

Ask him to prove his evidence from Islam that "God is outside our reality". If he can't, then he shouldn't make such random assumptions.

No just estimate have they made of Allah: Indeed, Allah is Powerful and Exalted in Might.. [22:74]

[HmInh]

We, as in you and him cannot understand how there could be a creator or we as in muslims? As a muslim I am perfectly comfortable about Islam stating there is a creator and I enjoy putting my head on the ground worshipping him and accepting that he is far greater than me. So do you both require proof or just him? Your comment about being celibate all your life sounds contradictory to the fact that you said we.

Okay i will produce the proof Insha Allah. First you should listen to this talk on atheism and agnostiscm http://www.leveltruth.com/multimedia...gnosticism.mp3. As for proof you should watch this series, this is only part 1 and this is an introduction only. You will have to search for part 2,3,4 etc on youtube by typing the name of the lecture along with the number the part you want to see) to get the following parts.

Watching all of this will require patience, lots of patience. However, this life is very short in comparison to the next. It is better to watch hour upon hour of video to end up in paradise and get whatever you want, always feeling content, don't you agree? As a muslim I haven't watched all of these videos because I have read many of the scientific accuracies in the qur'an and the prophecies etc, so the rest is just overkill for me and I don't bother with it. I should try to learn it all though.

I was watching those videos yesterday, taking down notes and such. Green is really a fantastic speaker, I'm really happy to have read his book.
Thank you for that.

When I said "we", I meant that in the general statement. Like, "we should care about God because of eternal life", "we" just refers to a broad statement about all human life.

Asalaamu Alaikum,

Sister, I don't know how to say this, but I would not advise you to marry him. I know how hard this may be for you to ever accept, due to your attachment to the person and how you feel you owe them etc. But look at it like this;

You say he's weak in faith. You marry him, and down the line there's a good chance he may denounce Islam or have no belief in it. What then? Not only would you marriage not be recognized by Islam, but for every moment you're with him, it will be that same haram "boyfriend" situation; and by having intercourse it would be committing a major sin such as fornication.

Not only this, but what about yourself? Is it really going to help your own imaan, if the person you're always with has no imaan at all? The ever saying; "your influenced by the people you're around" is so true. You're a convert, and you still have a lot to learn, such a marriage can be hurtful to your belief in God.

I don't know what to say, but realise that, if this person hadn't been there for you, Allah(swt) would've found someone else to take care of you. He would always have found you a way if you simply put your trust and faith in him. It was because of Allah(swt) that you're here today, not because of the actions of any created being.

Thanks for you response Perseveranze, I really appreciate it.
I understand what you're saying, but I feel like it's not right for me to give up on him or this situation. Like, he's confused... almost like a disease of the soul. If someone you cared about what sick, you wouldn't abandon them to being alone and trying to work their way out of it by themselves. I feel like it's the same thing, I should try and maybe reconcile his doubts with the faith he used to have.

My issue is that if I couldn't be with him, at all, I think I would leave Islam. I would still believe in everything but... it just hurts too much. I'm not a child either (not that you called me one ), so when I say that this is someone I want to spend my life with, I honestly mean it.
The worst is that he feels torn up about it; he wishes that he could be the Muslim guy that would believe without a doubt and everything would work out for the best but he doesn't know how or if he could be.

[Muslim*sister]

OP, I would say either leave this relationship or somehow see if you can strengthen his faith before you marry him. I wouldn't marry him based on his current doubts because a marriage helps strengthen our deen and you would both pray together and encourage each other to worship Allaah- but if he doesn't have strong faith in the first place, you'll struggle to do those things.

Most importantly, you must remember, people choose Islam for Allah and themselves. No matter what happens, your deen stays with you. Your faith in Allah should remain, no matter what happens- because He is the One who you are living for. To say that you would leave Islam if you can't marry a man, is not a good sign of your faith, sister. Please strengthen your faith first and you will,never feel alone. And you will always have strength. I pray Allah guides you, Insha'Allah. Ameen.

[HmInh]

OP, I would say either leave this relationship or somehow see if you can strengthen his faith before you marry him. I wouldn't marry him based on his current doubts because a marriage helps strengthen our deen and you would both pray together and encourage each other to worship Allaah- but if he doesn't have strong faith in the first place, you'll struggle to do those things.

Most importantly, you must remember, people choose Islam for Allah and themselves. No matter what happens, your deen stays with you. Your faith in Allah should remain, no matter what happens- because He is the One who you are living for. To say that you would leave Islam if you can't marry a man, is not a good sign of your faith, sister. Please strengthen your faith first and you will,never feel alone. And you will always have strength. I pray Allah guides you, Insha'Allah. Ameen.

I'm trying to strengthen his faith before we do anything... but it doesn't work well. He doesn't deny that there could be a God, but he just feels like we can never tell if there is or not.
I know I chose Islam for those reasons. But I just can't understand how this issue would work out, in a halal way. It would be a miracle for him to become a Muslim/better Muslim. I've been praying on it for so long, and it hasn't changed.

Thank you for your dua, sister.

[Muslim*sister]

All that is with Allah. Is never lost. In fact, the Prophet (s) said, "You will never give up a thing for the sake of Allah (swt), but that Allah will replace it for you with something that is better for you than it."

Sometimes Allah takes in order to give. But it is crucial to understand that in His giving is not always in the form that we think we want. He knows what is best. Allah says, "...But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you, but Allah knows, and you do not." (Quran)

Imagine if you kept your faith strong and then in the future found a husband who is a million times better?
Imagine if I was once in love with a man who seemed amazing, kind, wonderful, perfect - but he was not Muslim. If I married him, I would neglect my religion, I would neglect Allah.
Now imagine if I left this man and then married a pious wonderful man, who was equally amazing, kind, wonderful - and what made him a BILLION times better was that he had faith in Allah (swt). And he joke me up for far prayers, and he fasted with me, and he prayed for me.

I am married to a pious Muslim man....and I cannot express the joy I feel when he prays for me, or when he does things for me for the sake of Allah. I would never exchange his one prayer about me for another man who gave me EVERY worldly good and love but did NOT pray for me like my husband does.

Not trying to say I only want my husband to pray for me, I just mean jI feel a huge connection with him when we are closer to Allah. A connection more powerful and rewarding than anything in this world.

[Muslim*sister]

Sorry not joke me up lol, I meant he "woke me up for prayers..."

Annoying auto correct!

[Muslim*sister]

I'm trying to strengthen his faith before we do anything... but it doesn't work well. He doesn't deny that there could be a God, but he just feels like we can never tell if there is or not.
I know I chose Islam for those reasons. But I just can't understand how this issue would work out, in a halal way. It would be a miracle for him to become a Muslim/better Muslim. I've been praying on it for so long, and it hasn't changed.

Thank you for your dua, sister.

I will pray that Allah guides him. But please, if the worst came to the worst, don't feel like you must leave Islam.
My dear sister, this man may have seemed like a gift to you.
Allah gives us gifts. But we often become dependent on those gifts, instead of Him. When He gives us money, we depend on the money, not Him. When He gives us people, we depend on people - not Him. When He gives us health, we think we will never die.

Allah gives us gifts, but then we come to love them as we should only love Allah. We take those gifts and inject them into our hearts, until they take over. Soon we cannot live without them.mevery waking moment is spent in contemplation of them, in submission and worship to them. The mind and the heart that was created for Allah becomes the property of someone else...and then the fear comes....the fear of loss cripples us. Our gift becomes our own prison. How can we be freed of this? Allah frees us, by taking it away...

[HmInh]

Hahaha, yeah, auto correct can be a pain. :P
But why wouldn't Allah accept my dua for my partner to become Muslim? Why wouldn't that be accepted? I've cried and wept and made so much for this... and I just feel cold and empty after I make dua for it.
I understand, but nothing but this isn't working. We match on everything but this. He even feels bad about it.
It just tears my heart apart.

[Muslim*sister]

So in that process of taking, you turn to Allah and beg and pray. And in that process, you replaced what you thought was your 'gift' with remembrance of Allah.

And so, sometimes, the 'something better' is the greatest gift - nearness to Him.

When something is lost, does it return? Yes. Sometimes here, sometimes there, sometimes in A better form.

Okay I've hijacked your thread! I hope you find strength sister. Ameen.

[Muslim*sister]

Hahaha, yeah, auto correct can be a pain. :P
But why wouldn't Allah accept my dua for my partner to become Muslim? Why wouldn't that be accepted? I've cried and wept and made so much for this... and I just feel cold and empty after I make dua for it.
I understand, but nothing but this isn't working. We match on everything but this. He even feels bad about it.
It just tears my heart apart.

Sometimes it may be because Allah has something better for you in store- or maybe that it was not in His plan for you to be together. Maybe in the long term he wouldn't be good for you. I mean this guy cares for you a LOT right? Yet he still can't bring himself to agree with you.

On a more general note, trust me, I don't mean to make your anguish sound unimportant. I know your pain is important because you are here asking for help. But if you don't manage to make it with this mean, then your heart may break.

Hearts break. And you can spend a year, two years, three years, four or even five, ( though usually most people are healed before then) dwelling on a broken heart. It may hurt so much that you don't want to live anymore. Everything reminds you of the person you loved. But look, if every human whose heart broke - and trust me there are many of them - if every human who was in that situation were to take a vow of celibacy, the human race would become extinct!

What happens to those people? Do they wither away and die? No. They hurt - some for months, others for years, but when they finally heal and when they finally give another amazing, wonderful human being who is Better for them a chance, they finally feel like they wasted all that time in pain. The pain is forgotten. They say to Allah, "if I had only known how it feels to be this happy and to be loved and love a good person for the sake of Allah, then I would have never cried a single tear."

Pray for what is good for you, for your heart, for your happiness.
Hope I haven't hurt you in any of my posts by being blunt.

[.mirror.]

Sister, please, like seriously, please, gather yourself together.

What's this supposed to mean: My issue is that if I couldn't be with him, at all, I think I would leave Islam.? So, you came to Islam for this guy, not for Allah?

Honestly, you posts makes me upset. You are questioning Islam because some guy you like? Who do you like more, Allah or this guy? And, just to let you know the reason you're a Muslim today is because Allah has opened your heart to Islam. Allah is the One who guides, not me, not you, not even a prophet. Thank Allah that He had chosen you over so many other to bless you with True Faith, instead of making comments like "...I think I would leave Islam." Remember, Allah doesn't need you, you need Allah. Leave Islam, and you are the one who is in loss.

As for this guy, first of all, you can't have any sort of relationship with a non-mahram. Period. So, you have to stop interacting with him. Again, please, pick up yourself. You have to place Allah over everyone, even yourself, so to even think of marrying someone who questions whether Allah exists is just insane!

"I love him, I will stay celibate, I'm serious, I'm this and I'm that..." If you only had that enthusiasm for Allah, rather than some guy who is not even sure about his faith. Really, snap out of it.You're a Muslimah, you are better than falling for some guy. Realize where you stand in front of Allah, as an honored woman, woman with dignity and respect. Don't fall for this filmsy Hollywood dialogues. Take control of yourself, before you end up doing something you'll regret. Stay away from him. If it's written for him to be guided, he will be guided.

He may not be written in your destiny, so have more trust in Allah, that He knows better about you than you know yourself.

May Allah keep you steadfast on the Truth.

[Hannahk92]

Sister I'm a revert. And I didn't revert for no one accept except myself and Allah. Sister I think you need to work on your imaan first rather than his. The fact that you said you would leave Islam if you couldn't be with him shows a weakness. Remember everything is written for us, who we marry, when we die, our wealth, etc. So if this person is not meant to be your life partner you can't do anything about that. Sister start reading about tawheed (the oneness of Allah) Also read the book the ideal muslimah. It's so sad that you are questioning your faith because of a person. I would rather die than leave Islam, at least I'd die as a Muslim. No one comes between me and Allah (swt) I'll keep you in my dua's.

[al-siddiq]

Assalaam alaikum everyone,
I'm new to posting to the forums but I often read the older threads that often come up online. I'm a recent convert that needs a lot of help with a particular issue. This issue is causing me a lot of problems, and causing me to contemplate self-destructive behaviours I thought I gave up when I became Muslim. So please, please... be sensitive to this fact and here's my issue.
A year before converting, I was in a horrible, abusive relationship that didn't last long (alhumdilullah), and went back to school depressed as ever. A classmate of mine noticed this (we only just met), and he started to become my friend. I would see my abusive boyfriend in the hallway, and my friend would distract me or tell me that anyone who could take advantage of me in that way didn't deserve me. He knew that I was upset, so he'd make an effort to keep a watch over me and make sure I wasn't alone so I couldn't do anything to harm myself.

He helped me pick myself back up again, and be my old self before I got hurt. We matched up so perfectly, it was only eventual that we got into a relationship. Again, he was there for me when I got sick and had to stay in the hospital (he brought me to the hospital, and stayed with me the entire time). He's sacrificed so much to make sure that I was okay, and has never pushed me to do anything I didn't want. I've been in relationships before, but I've never felt this way about anyone. If it wasn't for him, I might not have been here today.

Now, I've converted and am looking to make my life work in a halal way. Obviously, boyfriends are not halal, so we're trying to make this work. He's a born Muslim, but was not brought up to have a strong imaan.** We want to make this work, we both consider each other soul-mates. We don't want children (I also have a condition that would make it difficult to conceive), and we have similar goals in life.

But the issue of marriage is making me go crazy. If we get married, that would only be the beginning of issues. If we got married, we would have problems because what if he's not "Muslim" enough? Or even "Muslim" at all? Then that would defeat the whole purpose of nikkah, as the marriage would be invalid. And his parents/my parents would definitively not want us getting married at 21, so we'd have to do it secretly.

Please... can anyone help? I'm sorry this sound so pathetic...

**He doubts a lot of Islam, and could be considered an agnostic at times. He says like, if there is a God and this God lives outside of our universe, then that God is not apart of our reality and therefore why should we care if that thing is not real in our world? Can someone help me figure out this argument?

Wa Aalaikum Assalam

I have little time so I apologize I will have to make this shorter than I wish. Please message me so I do not forget to reply properly.

Firstly, Islam is the intellectual truth and can answer any question of that there is no doubt. You can be agnostic, atheist, buddhist, hindu, christian, jewish, or anything under the sun and Islam can answer whatever questions you bring (including tell you that your question is irrational and doesn't make sense like saying 1+1+1=1).

His question is emotional (ie he is putting himself in the position of Allah, and then saying if I was Allah why would I care about you). The fact is, you cannot place yourself in the shoes of the Creator, because you are unable to comprehend anything at that level. Can you imagine life without time? Can you imagine life in 10 dimensions? No of course not. So how can you even pretend to understand how God 'thinks.'

Anyways, what is most important is that you start your mind fresh. Throw everything away and let's start at the beginning. Why do you believe in Islam? If you are sure of Islam and believe completely, why would you disbelieve? Can you disbelieve water is liquid? Or that fire burns?

You can't disbelieve in fact =).

If you wish to give dawah to him you can do so to try to show him clearly islam is the intellectual truth. But you would have to do so without getting involved in that relationship. Can you do that?

Anyways this is a short thing for you to think about inshAllah!

[naila-k]

Sis, is he prepared to learn about Islam, watch lectures, interact with practising brothers?

[HmInh]

al-siddiq, thank you. I do need to start my mind fresh again, but I have a lot of emotional baggage. I do try and show him stuff, but I dislike pushing things on him. He thinks that people who are religious are clearly irrational in their logic, so it's a difficult topic to talk about.

naila-k, I'm not sure. I don't think he is, at the moment. His family is not very practising (his mother has never prayed in a masjid, and they're Arab!), so he wasn't taught that it was very important to think of these issues. It was more a "this is what we believe in, so long as you're a good person and can be a good citizen of the world, no problem". He's especially nervous or reluctant to interact with practising brothers, as he thinks they wouldn't have anything to talk about and he's afraid of insulting people.

Hannahk92, thank you for your words. I know it's a weakness, and honestly, it's something I hide everyday. If anyone of my friends were to come to me with this kind of problem, I would react poorly and wonder if they ever heard the song "Independent Women". It's just, I was brought up to be so independent and now I feel like I wouldn't be able to live without him. I still try and increase my imaan everyday with lectures, podcasts and attending events... but this is my weakness.

.mirror.
Tough words, but thank you.
I don't think I'm questioning Islam because of "some guy" I like. I'm questioning Islam because I'm a new convert, and because I live in a household where religion is a no-no. At the very core of me, I'm still trying to figure out what everything means to me in Islam and it's very difficult. I didn't come to Islam because of some "guy"; if I wanted to please him, I could have continued to be a simple deist and stayed in my "happy place" doing things that aren't Islamic at all.
I have to practice Islam in secret, and fast in secret and pray in secret. I read Qur'an in secret, and recite in secret. If I wasn't sincere in my conversion, I certainly wouldn't be keeping up things like this. So right now it's tough for me, and I'm clinging on to every little piece of support I have. That means both holding on strongly to the rope of Allah, looking for a little empathy and help online AND holding on to my partner (who has only ever supported me in all things).
I never meant that I would leave Islam and not believe, but I would probably have to abandon certain things despite still believing in them. I didn't mean to make it sound that way, but I just wanted to explain my feelings about this.

Muslim*sister, thank you. I understand heartbreak, and sincerely wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I understand that things happen for a reason, both bad and good things. I don't doubt this. The man I was with before had broken my trust after he hurt me badly (I don't mean emotionally), and I know that from that heartbreak I was able to get through that to be with someone who treated me better and helped me become closer to the deen. I know I'm being ridiculously stubborn, but I feel like... I just want this to work. I want so badly for him to accept Islam again or be stronger in his deen that I can't see anything else.

[.mirror.]

It seems you're questioning Islam because you're not getting it your way.

As for your partner "supporting" you, I can only wonder what kind of a support he is, the person who himself seems lost. Sister, please, for the sake of Allah, protect your faith. Shaytaan is putting these ideas into your head, "He's supporting me" to misguide you. Honestly, you have to look past this and realize that any one who doubts about Allah is not worth it!

You are better than chasing like crazy after some guy. Do you want your kids growing up to a father who doubts Allah? There are so many Muslim men who you can marry, but you are chasing after him? Sister, we're in this world to worship Him alone, you have to put Allah above everyone else. Do everything for His sake. A Muslimah is too precious to be chasing around some guy. a Muslimah puts her trust in Allah that He will take care of her, He will bring about the best partner for her. Realize your worth, please. Really, you're better than that!

[Bro.Salam94]

@HmInh

I think mirrors post is absolutely spot on. Thinking about leaving Islam for not marrying a guy? Wow, that is pretty sad how you feel like that. So, basically you're saying that you will leave the only religion that God will accept, if He doesn't marry you to this guy? It must be hard, but try to be patient. That guy may not even be Muslim anymore, who knows. Here's a verse to think about, salam alaykoum.

Chapter 2, Verse 216: But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But God knows, and you know not.

[HmInh]

It seems you're questioning Islam because you're not getting it your way.

As for your partner "supporting" you, I can only wonder what kind of a support he is, the person who himself seems lost. Sister, please, for the sake of Allah, protect your faith. Shaytaan is putting these ideas into your head, "He's supporting me" to misguide you. Honestly, you have to look past this and realize that any one who doubts about Allah is not worth it!

You are better than chasing like crazy after some guy. Do you want your kids growing up to a father who doubts Allah? There are so many Muslim men who you can marry, but you are chasing after him? Sister, we're in this world to worship Him alone, you have to put Allah above everyone else. Do everything for His sake. A Muslimah is too precious to be chasing around some guy. a Muslimah puts her trust in Allah that He will take care of her, He will bring about the best partner for her. Realize your worth, please. Really, you're better than that!

I'm not questioning Islam because I'm not getting it my way. I'm trying to find a way to make this work, and I don't think that is a selfish thing to do at all. Imagine it as if I was married, and now converted. I don't think you'd be as harsh on me as you are with a sister who had to deal with that. I know you're only trying to provide the best for someone, but at the same time, I'm not trying to "bend" Islam to meet my needs. I'm not "chasing" after some guy; I was/am in a committed relationship with someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and now we're trying to make it work.

Just because someone is lost doesn't mean they're unable to support someone else. Support as in, "Go to the Islamic conference with the sisters! It'll be really good for you!" or, "Yeah, I'll go with you to the mosque if you're scared to go alone." or "Hey, I know things have been difficult because your parents threaten to kick you out of the house if you convert, but things will be okay. You just need to trust that they will." If that's not support, I don't know what is.

I mentioned that I can't have children, and don't want them. Thanks.

Thank you Salam94, I really enjoyed that verse as well.

[purple89]

I'm not questioning Islam because I'm not getting it my way. I'm trying to find a way to make this work, and I don't think that is a selfish thing to do at all. Imagine it as if I was married, and now converted. I don't think you'd be as harsh on me as you are with a sister who had to deal with that. I know you're only trying to provide the best for someone, but at the same time, I'm not trying to "bend" Islam to meet my needs. I'm not "chasing" after some guy; I was/am in a committed relationship with someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and now we're trying to make it work.

Just because someone is lost doesn't mean they're unable to support someone else. Support as in, "Go to the Islamic conference with the sisters! It'll be really good for you!" or, "Yeah, I'll go with you to the mosque if you're scared to go alone." or "Hey, I know things have been difficult because your parents threaten to kick you out of the house if you convert, but things will be okay. You just need to trust that they will." If that's not support, I don't know what is.

I mentioned that I can't have children, and don't want them. Thanks.

Thank you Salam94, I really enjoyed that verse as well.

You asked for advice but it seems like you're bending over backwards in justifying this relationship. I understand that you're a revert and that you are facing some hard choices but there Muslims and reverts alike that face leaving their families that have a lot more rights upon them than someone you can leave and never have anything to do with again. I think you should focus on yourself and building your iman before worrying about this man. He may in the mean time change or you might and see that you're not compatible. What's your rush?

[HmInh]

You asked for advice but it seems like you're bending over backwards in justifying this relationship. I understand that you're a revert and that you are facing some hard choices but there Muslims and reverts alike that face leaving their families that have a lot more rights upon them than someone you can leave and never have anything to do with again. I think you should focus on yourself and building your iman before worrying about this man. He may in the mean time change or you might and see that you're not compatible. What's your rush?

I'm sorry that I sound ungrateful for the advice. It's been a really really bad day, involving the police and other things. I didn't mean to come on the boards and just get really upset about things. I'm sorry, things have just been difficult.
I worry that he may never come back to Islam, and that would break my heart. I'm still in a relationship with him, so I don't know what to do in the meantime. I had such an "aha!" moment with Islam, it's hard for me to understand why he hasn't had that moment too.
Again, I'm really sorry that I seem ungrateful. I hope everyone can forgive me, I've been really rude and I'm sorry.

[rozhamra]

You asked for advice but it seems like you're bending over backwards in justifying this relationship. I understand that you're a revert and that you are facing some hard choices but there Muslims and reverts alike that face leaving their families that have a lot more rights upon them than someone you can leave and never have anything to do with again. I think you should focus on yourself and building your iman before worrying about this man. He may in the mean time change or you might and see that you're not compatible. What's your rush?

i dont think she is bending over backwards. if anything, just like he supported her, she wants to do the same and help him before he is lost.

dear sister,
i think it is selfless of you to do this for him. but i agree. maybe Allah put him in your life just for a period of time. i know he is great and compatible, but sometimes Allah tests us in what we love the most. do we love this thing/person more or is our love greatest for Allah? (not that i am saying you dont love allah, its clear you do because of how u strive to practice secretly mashallah. may allah make u stronger. seems you are afarid if u give up on him he will stay lost. )
Dont push on him. leave him. he ma realize that allah is god after all. but dont give up 9i mean keep making prayers for him). i agree with the above poster who reccommend you focus on your faith. Make prayer that allah guides him. It is not impossible. one ofthe staunchest enemies of islam , Umar ra, became one of the most god-fearing righteous muslims of the ummah. so its definately happens. u just need to take a step back, have trust in Allah (doing this is the best because allah will NEVER break your trust or your heart) that it will work out. Ask allah strengthen your faith and give you the courage to accept whatever he decrees. i am pasting a true story about a wonderful revrt who had a similar situation to you (but with her husband, he was non-believing) her story is so beautiful and touching. read it to see how allah always gives his believers the best.

wassalaam


*********************
Aminah Assilmi


This American lady, a former radical feminist and Southern Baptist from Oklahoma, studied the Quran, Sahih Muslim and fifteen other books on Islam in an attempt to convert the Arabs in her college class to Christianity and "save those poor ignorant heathens from the fires of hell." But guess what happened!

The Introduction and Decision
I was completing a degree in Recreation, when I met my first Muslims. It was the first year that we had been able to pre-register by computer. I pre-registered and went to Oklahoma to take care of some family business. The business took longer than expected, so I returned to school two weeks into the semester (too late to drop a course).

I wasn't worried about catching up my missed work. I was sitting at the top of my class, in my field. Even as a student, I was winning awards, in competition with professionals.

Now, you need to understand that while I was attending college and excelling, ran my own business, and had many close friends, I was extremely shy. My transcripts actually had me listed as severely reticent. I was very slow to get to know people and rarely spoke to anyone unless was forced to, or already knew them. The classes I was taking has to do administration and city planning, plus programming for children. Children were the only people I ever felt comfortable with.

Well, back to the story. The computer printout held one enormous surprise for me. I was registered for a Theatre class...a class were I would be required to perform in front of real live people. I was horrified! I could not even ask a question in class, how was I going to get on a stage in front of people? My husband was his usual very calm and sensible self. He suggested that I talk to the teacher, explain the problem, and arrange to paint scenery or sew costumes. The teacher agreed to try and find a way to help me out. So I went to class the following Tuesday.

When I entered the classroom, I received my second shock. The class was full of 'Arabs' and 'camel jockeys'. Well, I had never seen one but I had heard of them.

There was no way I was going to sit in a room full of dirty heathens! After all, you could catch some dreadful disease from those people. Everyone knew they were dirty, not to be trusted either. I shut the door and went home. (Now, there is one little thing you should know. I had on a pair of leather hot pants, a halter top, and a glass of wine in my hands...but they were the bad ones in my mind.)

When I told my husband about the Arabs in the class and that there was no way I was going back, he responded in his usual calm way. He reminded that I was always claiming that God had a reason for everything and maybe I should spend some time thinking about it before I made my final decision. He also reminded me that I had a scholars award that was paying my tuition and if I wanted to keep it, I would have to maintain my G.P.A.. Three credit hours or 'F' would have destroyed my chances.

For the next two days, I prayed for guidance. On Thursday I went back to the class convinced that God had put me there to save those poor ignorant heathens from the fires of hell.

I proceeded to explain to them how they would burn in the fires of hell for all eternity, if they did not accept Jesus as their personal savior. They were very polite, but did not convert. Then, I explained how Jesus loved them and had died on the cross to save them from their sins. All they had to do was accept him into their hearts. They were very polite, but still did not convert. So, I decided to read their own book to show them that Islam was a false religion and Mohammed was a false God.

One of the students gave me a copy of the Qur'an and another book about Islam, and I proceeded with my research. I was sure I would find the evidence I needed very quickly. Well, I read the Qur'an and the other book. Then I read another 15 books, Sahih Muslim and returned to the Qur'an. I was determined I would convert them! My studies continued for the next one and half years.

During that time, I started having a few problems with my husband. I was changing, just in little ways but enough to bother him. We used to go to the bar every Friday and Saturday, or to a party, and I no longer wanted to go. I was quieter and more distant. He was sure I was having an affair, so he kicked me out. I moved into an apartment with my children and continued my determined efforts to convert the Muslims to Christianity.

The, one day, there was a knock on my door. I opened the door and saw a man in a long white night gown with a red and white checkered table cloth on his head. He was accompanied by three men in pajamas. (It was the first time I had ever seen their cultural dress.) Well, I was more than a little offended by men showing up at my door in night clothes. What kind of a woman did they think I was? Had they no pride or dignity? Imagine my shock when the one wearing the table cloth said he understood I wanted to be a Muslim! I quickly informed him I did not want to be a Muslim. I was Christian. However, I did have a few questions. If he had the time....

His name was Abdul-Aziz Al-Shiek and he made the time. He was very patient and discussed every question with me. He never made me feel silly or that a question was stupid. He asked me if I believed there was only one God and I said yes. Then he asked if I believed Mohammed was His Messenger. Again I said yes. He told me that I was already a Muslim!.

I argued that I was Christian, I was just trying to understand Islam. (Inside I was thinking: I couldn't be a Muslim! I was American and white! What would my husband say? If I am Muslim, I will have to divorce my husband. My family would die!)

We continued talking. Later, he explained that attaining knowledge and understanding of spirituality was a little like climbing a ladder. If you climb a ladder and try to skip a few rungs, there was danger of falling. The Shahadah was just the first step on the ladder. Still we had to talk some more.

Later that afternoon, May 21, 1977 at Asr', I took Shahadah. However, there were still some things I could not accept and it was my nature to be completely truthful so i added a disclaimer. I said: "I bear witness that there is no god but God and Mohammed is His Messenger" 'but, I will never cover my hair and if my husband takes another wife, I will castrate him.'

I heard gasps from the other men in the room, but Abdul Aziz silenced them. Later I learned that he told the brothers never to discuss those two subjects with me. He was sure I would come to the correct understanding.

The Shahadah was indeed a solid footing on the ladder to spiritual knowledge and closeness to God. but it has been a slow climb. Abdul Aziz continued to visit me and answer my questions. May Allah reward him for his patience and tolerance. He never admonished me or acted like a question was stupid or silly. He treated each question with dignity and told me that the only stupid question was the one never asked. Hmmm...my grandmother used to say that.

He explained that Allah ahd told us to seek knowledge and questions were one of the ways to accomplish that. When he explained something, it was like watching a rose open - petal by petal, until it reached its full glory. When I told him that I did not agree with something and why, he always said I was correct up to a point. The he would show me how to look deeper and from different directions to reach a fuller understanding. Alhamdulillah!

Over the years, I had many teachers. Each one special, each one different. I am thankful for each one of them and the knowledge they gave. Each teacher helped me to grow and to love Islam more. As my knowledge increased, the changes in me became more apparent. Within the first year, I was wearing hijab. I have no idea when I started. It came naturally, with increased knowledge and understanding. In time I even came to to a proponent of polygamy. I knew that if Allah had allowed it, there had to be something good in it.

"Glorify the name of thy Guardian - Lord Most High, Who hath created, and further, given order and proportion; Who hath measured, and granted guidance; and Who bringeth out the (green and lush) pasture, and doth make it (but) swarthy stubble, By degrees shall We teach thee (The Message), so thou shalt not forget, except as Allah wills: for He knoweth what is manifest and what is hidden. And We will make it easy for thee (to follow) the simple (path)." (Al-A'la 87:1-8)

When I first started to study Islam, I did not expect to find anything that I needed or wanted in my personal life. Little did I know that Islam would change my life. No human could have ever convinced me that I would finally be at peace and overflowing with love and joy because of Islam.

This book spoke of THE ONE GOD, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. It described the beautiful way in which He had organised the world. This wondrous Qur'an had all the answers. Allah is The Loving! Allah is the Source of Peace! Allah is the Protector! Allah is the Forgiver! Allah is the Provider! Allah is the maintainer! Allah is the Generous One! Allah is the Responsive! Allah is the Protecting Friend! Allah is the Expander!

"Have we not expanded thee thy breast? And removed from thee thy burden the which did gall thy back? And raised high the esteem (in which) thou (art held)? So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief: Verily, with every difficulty there is relief!" (Al-Ishirah, 94: 1-6)

The Qur'an addressed all the issues of existence and showed a clear path to success. It was like a map forgiving, an owner manual for life!

How Islam changed my Life
"How much more we love the light...If once we lived in Darkness."

When I first embraced Islam, I really did not think it was going to affect my life very much. Islam did not just affect my life. It totally changed it.

Family life: My husband and I loved each other very deeply. That love for each other still exists. Still, when I started studying Islam, we started having some difficulties. He saw me changing and did not understand what was happening. Neither did I. But then, I did not even realise I was changing. He decided that the only thing that could make me change was another man. There was no way to make him understand what was changing me because I did not know.

After I realised that I was a Muslim, it did not help matters. After all...the only reason a woman changes something as fundamental as her religion is another man. He could not find evidence of this other man...but he had to exist. We ended up in a very ugly divorce. The courts determined that the unorthodox religion would be detrimental to the development of my children. So they were removed from my custody.

During the divorce, there was a time when I was told I could make a choice. I could renounce this religion and leave with my children, or renounce my children and leave with my religion. I was in shock. To me this was not a possible choice. If I renounce my Islam....I would be teaching my children how to be deceptive. For there was no way to deny what was in my heart. I could not deny Allah, not then, not ever. I prayed like I had never prayed before. After the thirty minutes was up, I knew that there was no safer place for my children to be than in the hands of Allah. If I denied him, there would be no way in the future to show my children the wonders of being with Allah. The courts were told that I would leave my children in the hands of Allah. This was not a rejection of my children!

I left the courts knowing that life without my babies would be very difficult. My heart bled, even though I knew, inside, I had done the right thing. I found solace in Ayat-Ul-Khursi.

"Allah! There is no god but He - the Living, the Self-subsisting, Supporter of all. No slumber can seize him nor sleep. His are all things in the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence except as He permitteth? He knoweth what (appeareth to His creatures as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass aught of His knowledge except as He willeth. His Throne doth extend over the heavens and the earth, and he feeleth no fatigue in guarding and preserving them for He is Most High, The Supreme (in Glory)." (Al-Baqarah, 2:255)

This also got me started looking at all the attributes of Allah and discovering the beauty of each one.

Child custody and divorce were not the only problems I was to face. The rest of my family was not very accepting of my choice either. Most of the family refused to have anything to do with me. My mother was of the belief that it was just a phase and I would grow out of it. My sister, the 'mental health expert' was sure I had simply lost my mind and should be institutionalised. My father believed I should be killed before placed myself deeper in Hell. Suddenly I found myself with no husband and no family. What would be next?

Friends: Most of my friends drifted away during that first year. I was no fun anymore. I did not want to go to parties or bars. I was not interested in finding a boyfriend. All I ever did was read that 'stupid' book (the Qur'an) and talk about Islam. What a bore. I still did not have enough knowledge to help them understand why Islam was so beautiful.

Employment: My job was next to go. While I had won just about every award there was in my field and was recognised as a serious trend setter and money maker, the day I put on hijab, was the end of my job. Now I was without a family, without friends and without a job.

In all this, the first light was my grandmother. She approved of my choice and joined me. What a surprise! I always knew she had alot of wisdom, but this! She died soon after that. When I stop to think about it, I almost get jealous. The day she pronounced Shahadah, all her misdeeds had been erased, while her good deeds were preserved. She died so soon after accepting Islam that I knew her 'BOOK' was bound to be heavy on the good side. It fills me with such joy!

As my knowledge grew and I was better able to answer questions, many things changed. But, it was the changes made in me as a person that had the greatest impact. A few years after I went public with my Islam, my mother called me and said she did not know what this 'Islam thing' was, but she hoped I would stay with it. She liked what it was doing for me. A couple of years after that she called again and asked what a person had to do to be a Muslim. I told her that all person had to do was know that there was only ONE God and Mohammed was His Messenger. Her response was: "Any fool knows that. But what do you have to do?" I repeated the same information and she said: "Well...OK. But let's not tell your father just yet."

Little did she know that he had gone through the same conversation a few weeks before that. My real father (the one who thought I should be killed) had done it almost two months earlier. Then, my sister, the mental health person, she told me that I was the most 'liberated' person she knew. Coming from her that was the greatest compliment I could have received.

Rather than try to tell you about how each person came to accept Islam, let me simply say that more members of my family continue to find Islam every year. I was especially happy when a dear friends, Brother Qaiser Imam, told me that my ex-husband took Shahdah. When Brother Qaiser asked him why, he said it was because he had been watching me for 16 years and he wanted his daughter to have what I had. He came and asked me to forgive him for all he had done. I had forgiven him long before that.

Now my oldest son, Whittney, has called, as I am writing this book, and announced that he also wants to become Muslim. He plans on taking the Shahadah as the ISNA Convention in a couple of weeks. For now, he is learning as much as he can. Allah is The Most Merciful.

Over the years, I have come to be known for my talks on Islam, and many listeners have chosen to be Muslim. My inner peace has continued to increase with my knowledge and confidence in the Wisdom of Allah. I know that Allah is not only my Creator but, my dearest friend. I know that Allah will always be there and will never reject me. For every step I take toward Allah, He takes 10 toward me. What a wonderful knowledge.

True, Allah has tested me, as was promised, and rewarded me far beyond what I could ever have hoped for. A few years ago, the doctors told me I had cancer and it was terminal. They explained that there was no cure, it was too far advanced, and proceeded to help prepare me for my death by explaining how the disease would progress. I had maybe one year left to live. I was concerned about my children, especially my youngest. Who would take care of him? Still I was not depressed. We must all die. I was confident that the pain I was experiencing contained Blessings.

I remembered a good friend, Kareem Al-Misawi, who died of cancer when he was still in his 20's. Shortly before he died, he told me that Allah was truly Merciful. This man was in unbelievable anguish and radiating with Allah's love. He said: "Allah intends that I should enter heaven with a clean book." His death experience gave me something to think about. He taught me of Allah's love and mercy. This was something no one else had ever really discussed. Allah's love!

I did not take me long to start being aware of His blessings. Friends who loved me came out of nowhere. I was given the gift of making Hag. Even more importantly, I learned how very important it was for me to share the Truth of Islam with everyone. It did not matter if people, Muslim or not, agreed with me or even liked me. The only approval I needed was from Allah. The only love I needed was from Allah. Yet, I discovered more and more people, who for no apparent reason, loved me. I rejoiced, for I remembered reading that if Allah loves you, He causes others to love you. I am not worthy of all the love. That means it must be another gift from Allah. Allah is the Greatest!

There is no way to fully explain how my life changed. Alhamdulillah! I am so very glad that I am a Muslim. Islam is my life. Islam is the beat of my heart. Islam is the blood that courses through my veins. Islam is my strength. Islam is my life so wonderful and beautiful. Without Islam, I am nothing and should Allah ever turn His magnificent face from me I could not survive.

"O Allah! let my heart have light, and my sight have light, and my hearing (senses) have light, and let me have light on my right, and let me have light on my left, and let me have light above me, and have light under me, and have light in front of me, and have light behind me; and let me have light." (Bukhari, vol. 8. pp. 221, #329)

"Oh my Lord! Forgive my sins and my ignorance and my exceeding the limits (boundaries of righteousness) in all my deeds and what you know better than I. O Allah! Forgive my mistakes, those done intentionally or out of my ignorance or (without) or with seriousness, and I confess that all such mistakes are done by me. Oh Allah! Forgive my sins of the past and of the future which I did openly or secretly. You are the One who makes the things go before, and You are the One who delays them, and You are the Omnipotent." (Bukhari, vol. , pp. 271, #407)

***************************

[rozhamra]

I'm really sorry that I seem ungrateful. I hope everyone can forgive me, I've been really rude and I'm sorry.

rude?! nah, i feel your anguish. u r rather very polite and nice and understanding masha allah.

[purple89]

I'm sorry that I sound ungrateful for the advice. It's been a really really bad day, involving the police and other things. I didn't mean to come on the boards and just get really upset about things. I'm sorry, things have just been difficult.
I worry that he may never come back to Islam, and that would break my heart. I'm still in a relationship with him, so I don't know what to do in the meantime. I had such an "aha!" moment with Islam, it's hard for me to understand why he hasn't had that moment too.
Again, I'm really sorry that I seem ungrateful. I hope everyone can forgive me, I've been really rude and I'm sorry.

You don't sound rude or ungrateful and I hope I didnt come across as rude either. Just remember sis that we came into this world alone and we will leave it alone. If you want to help this brother then you should lead by example and that means making some tough decisions. Perhaps you being adamant in what you will or won't accept for Allah will serve as a wake up call from him also.

[.mirror.]

....

[.mirror.]

I'm not questioning Islam because I'm not getting it my way. I'm trying to find a way to make this work, and I don't think that is a selfish thing to do at all. Imagine it as if I was married, and now converted. I don't think you'd be as harsh on me as you are with a sister who had to deal with that. I know you're only trying to provide the best for someone, but at the same time, I'm not trying to "bend" Islam to meet my needs. I'm not "chasing" after some guy; I was/am in a committed relationship with someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and now we're trying to make it work.

Just because someone is lost doesn't mean they're unable to support someone else. Support as in, "Go to the Islamic conference with the sisters! It'll be really good for you!" or, "Yeah, I'll go with you to the mosque if you're scared to go alone." or "Hey, I know things have been difficult because your parents threaten to kick you out of the house if you convert, but things will be okay. You just need to trust that they will." If that's not support, I don't know what is.

Sister, sister, do you know you are not allowed any "committed relationship" outside of marriage? You think you're doing something good by being in a "committed relationship"? Your relationship is haram. You are angering Allah.

You do not listen to Allah, you disobey Him, you are ignoring our advice, making up excuses, yet you want Allah to accept your Dua'a? Really? Why should Allah listen to you when you disobey Him? Wallahi, sister, someone needs to shake you up and wake you up.

We are not in this dunya to fulfill our emotions and desires and get everything just like the way we want. The dunya is a trial for the believers. Don't you see it!? We are here to please Allah, to do what He wants us to do, to do what pleases Him, to stay away from what displeases Him. You have to place Allah and His commands before your desires. Obeying Allah is worth more than anything, everything and anyone and everyone, including yourself! So, who is this guy that is making you refuse to obey your Creator? Please, wake up, sister!

Death can come upon you anytime. Do you really want to die in a state where you are supposedly in a "committed relationship"? Do you want to die in a state where you couldn't decide whether you should obey Allah or whether you should follow your desires? Is that the faith and love you have for Allah? Wallahi, anything that goes against the commands of Allah, you should throw that out of your life without thinking. That's the Muslimah you have to become. Take control of your emotions, do NOT let them get ahead of the commands of your Lord. It's not worth it. It's regret, it's a disgrace, and humiliation on the Day when your accounts will be laid out in the open. Then, let's see if your Lord protects you or this guy who doubts whether Allah even exists. Subhan'Allah.

Look in your heart and ask yourself and you'll realize, YOU KNOW IT, you're fooling yourself. You know what you're into is wrong. You have all the power and right in the world to make things correct, yet you are not taking advantage of it! Why isn't Allah doing this, why isn't Allah doing that? The question is, why aren't you doing the right thing?

May Allah increase your taqwa, give you strength to make the correct decision.

[bluesnowman]

Salaam,

Jazakallah for that story sis rozhamra, it was a good story about a woman and her family finding Islam. To the OP, In this life I fear Allah swt and nothing else, nothing comes between my lord and I. If this brother is truly Muslim he should read the Quran or better yet I was at a Barnes and Nobles today and I found a book in the religious section called Understanding the Quran (it was spelled with a K) for dummies. Every sura has a lesson behind it that will teach you what Allah swt and our Nabi (pbuh) wanted us to learn. If he chooses to not be a Muslim anymore, just leave him, A muslimah is the most precious of Allah swt's creation and being with someone like that is not worth it. May Allah swt reward you for becoming a Muslim and the courage to leave this relationship and ask Allah swt to find you a true and humble servant of Allah swt.

[rozhamra]

Sister, please, remove that link. That site is deviant and it's best if we stay away from it, esp. people who are new to the deen. I'm afraid they might start reading other sections of that site.

wait, why is it deviant? am i missing something? i'll paste the story instead. just so u know, i dont use the site, i just had this article saved in an email with the link from someone else.

could you edit your reply post also so the link is fully removed? thanks

EDIT: brother i think you were a bit too harsh on the OP.

[.mirror.]

Look around the site, you'll see why.

[rozhamra]

im a tuckered out from our little spar. just gimme a quick rundown.

[bibi1986]

Brother Mirror may sound harsh but what he is saying is true,the sister is trying to justify her haram relationship with this person.

[rozhamra]

he was harsh once before and made his point. no need in consistently being mean. you cant beat sense into someone with a stick. youll just push them away. gotta be a bit more gentler in approach. obviously the op feels remorse. its obvious she has already thought of the possibility of leaving him. she fears it, but nonetheless has thought about it. we just need to keep showing her that she needs to follow through with this (leaving the guy) for the best. condemning her wont help matters really. PLUS, shes a convert, you gotta be gentle to her.

[MissCurly]

^ yes being a convert, you should be gentle, BUT we also need to be gentle with each other!!

Anyway, there is lots of advice really, but I think it may be worth finding out what his doubts are and finding someone- a scholar/imam/learned person who could help answer his questions.

If even after all of that hard work, then you may need to be truthful with yourself and make your decision based on that.

[HmInh]

Thank you everyone for your help. I'm going to continue to try and be sincere in everything I do.
Mirror, no one needs to shake me and wake me up. Your lack of empathy is kind of shocking, really. I mean, the first few posts I appreciated but I get it. I understand, but you don't need to keep making me feel horrible about it. You know how I said I had the police involved in everything? I nearly got carted away to a hospital for psychiatric watch. Things aren't going well for me and you need to realize that sometimes people hit rock bottom and are trying to scramble their way to the top. Don't assume you know exactly what's going on in my life, or what I am or not doing. It's a good thing, as low as my imaan is, I didn't meet you before I converted because you would have definitively pushed me away.
Thank you anyways for taking the time to respond.

Thank you everyone. I'm not trying to justify my haraam relationship. I'm trying to figure out how to make things work. Apparently, that's impossible.
But thank you anyways for all your help.

[.mirror.]

Sister, I'm only trying to make you see that being with this person is not a good idea. Many posters have felt that you're making excuses to be with him in your posts, so I wanted to make you see how much loss you'd be in by continuing with this. My intentions aren't to be harsh, but to have you let go off this for the sake of Allah. We all know it's wrong.

Allah puts us in tests, that's the reality of life. So, this is your test and after every difficulty there's ease. Alhamdulillah. However, you have to turn to Allah and do what pleases Him.

Sorry for anything that was hurtful to you. And, may Allah grant you strength and keep you on the Straight Path.

[HmInh]

Sister, I'm only trying to make you see that being with this person is not a good idea. Many posters have felt that you're making excuses to be with him in your posts, so I wanted to make you see how much loss you'd be in by continuing with this. My intentions aren't to be harsh, but to have you let go off this for the sake of Allah. We all know it's wrong.

Allah puts us in tests, that's the reality of life. So, this is your test and after every difficulty there's ease. Alhamdulillah. However, you have to turn to Allah and do what pleases Him.

Sorry for anything that was hurtful to you. And, may Allah grant you strength and keep you on the Straight Path.

It's okay, I know you weren't trying to be hurtful. Like I said, things have been tough (I thought my life was going to end yesterday) but they're going to get better.
I think maybe I made it seem like I was trying to justify my reasons for being with this person; I wasn't. I wasn't looking for the community to tell me that it was okay because I was a convert/because we really cared about each other/because he just has doubts. I know it's wrong, but I was just trying to make things right again, and looking for a way to make things right.
Yes, I know at the moment I'm weak. We all have moments of weakness, and sometimes they're a little more severe than other times. But like I said, sometimes you hit rock bottom and are trying to scramble back up to the top.

[al-siddiq]

al-siddiq, thank you. I do need to start my mind fresh again, but I have a lot of emotional baggage. I do try and show him stuff, but I dislike pushing things on him. He thinks that people who are religious are clearly irrational in their logic, so it's a difficult topic to talk about.

Ah dear ukhti, every human has emotional baggage. The trick is learning to work with your emotions, not as your enemy, but as simply a part of who you are. You should sit and reflect where your feelings on certain things come from, and then brainstorm (with us online if you want) on ways to help manage them. It is no different from brainstorming on ways to juggle too many responsibilities, or too much work, etc =).

It is common for me to meet people who think being 'religious' is irrational and not logical. But the fact is, if you understand islam the right way, the way Allah has commanded us by saying yatafakkaroon "for those who think/reflect/contemplate" then it is very easy to address people who think you are irrational by showing that in fact they are irrational.

One of the big obstacles I face is that most people who 'think' they are being logical, are often not logical or intellectual at all. But because they are so arrogant in their belief that they are, they cannot see outside their emotional pride.

Again, to me what is most important is that you are 100% confident in your belief in islam. The rest of the stuff, at the end of the day, is not really your problem when you face Allah. You can simply tell Allah you did your best to help him and other people see islam, but they simply refused to listen.

I know islam is the truth. I can prove it to anyone inshAllah ta'ala. But it is not my fault if people don't listen. And the fact that they don't listen doesn't bother me except that I feel sorry for them. You get what I'm trying to say?