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  1. #1
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    Disowning your daughter?

    Just wondering what would be the reasons of disowning your daughter.. Would parents disown there daughter for wanting to marry a guy that they think is not good for her?

  2. #2
    میرے دل کا نور .mirror.'s Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?



    They should not.
    Call onto Allah, such that you are certain that He, al-Mujib wal-Kareem, will answer your call before you even lower your hands.
    وَقَالَ رَبُّكُمُ ادْعُونِي أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    is it an haram?

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    there are many things to take into consideration for your question

    why is the daughter disobeying her parents, what is their relationship like, is it based upon islam, is the daughter a source of good or harm to her parents, is the man she wants to marry a harm or good

    as a parent, sometimes you have to put your foot down regarding a child, because of the child's blatant disobedience, which is very haram in islam
    .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
    نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد




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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    She's an amazing young and talented girl and she has a strong relationship with her parents and always wants to make them happy but surely she has to be happy too? The guy she wants to marry is a practising muslim and he makes her happy and he is a guy that will always be there for her and her family.. but the parents wont allow her to marry him because he wasnt born a muslim, she fears she'll be disowned

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Would love to know what some parents here would think of this

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    my daughters too young for marriage just yet, but if a revert wanted to marry my daughter and I was satisfied with his deen and character then no problem... but I would say that as I am a revert.

    The only proviso is that I would want to make sure when checking his deen that he has spent time learning the current understanding of our deen, that he can pray and that he has the foundation required to start a good muslim family and raise my grandchildren upon that.

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    Abu-Tawheed Saif-Uddin's Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    Just wondering what would be the reasons of disowning your daughter.. Would parents disown there daughter for wanting to marry a guy that they think is not good for her?
    no,

    far as I'm aware the Only reason they may disown her is if she left Islam ... became a Murtad ...

    unless someone else can correct me otherwise,

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    "O followers of Muhammad! By Allah, if you knew what I know, you would weep much and laugh little."

    [Sahih Al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, Hadith no. 627]

    May Allah ta'ala join our beloved akhi Uncle-Umar (may Allah ta'ala have mercy upon him) with the Shuhada and grant him the Highest station in Jannatul Firdaus

    Ameen


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  9. #9
    أنا مسلم AbuMubarak's Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Saif-Uddin View Post
    no,

    far as I'm aware the Only reason they may disown her is if she left Islam ... became a Murtad ...

    unless someone else can correct me otherwise,

    disobedience to the messenger of Allah was typical what would cause the cutting of ties during the companions
    .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
    نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد




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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    Just wondering what would be the reasons of disowning your daughter.. Would parents disown there daughter for wanting to marry a guy that they think is not good for her?
    well for a muslim woman if she wants to marry she needs a wali, that is a gaurdian he is the one who marries her to her husband. So for a muslim woman with a muslim father he has to be the one to marry her to him, so if he doesnt agree then she cant marry as a marriage is invalid without her wali/gaurdian and two male witnesses.

    The wali cannot be changed unless he refuses to let her marry for an unislamic reason, for example he doesnt like her choice of husband not because theres anything wrong with his character or his religion, but just because hes arab, or african or some reason that is not acceptable in islam. Then it would be taken to a qadhi ( islamic judge) and the judge would have someone else replace him as her gaurdian if the wali did not agree to change his ways.

    so point of explaning all that is to show a muslim woman cant just go off and marry anyone, she needs approval from her gaurdian.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:35]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


  11. #11
    Abu-Tawheed Saif-Uddin's Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by AbuMubarak View Post
    disobedience to the messenger of Allah was typical what would cause the cutting of ties during the companions
    In other words Kufr would be enought to cut of ties?

    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

    "O followers of Muhammad! By Allah, if you knew what I know, you would weep much and laugh little."

    [Sahih Al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, Hadith no. 627]

    May Allah ta'ala join our beloved akhi Uncle-Umar (may Allah ta'ala have mercy upon him) with the Shuhada and grant him the Highest station in Jannatul Firdaus

    Ameen


    https://www.justgiving.com/FoodTruckForSyria/

  12. #12
    أنا مسلم AbuMubarak's Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Saif-Uddin View Post
    In other words Kufr would be enought to cut of ties?

    you are true

    however, today, disobedience to the messenger of Allah is not considered kufr, or else 85% of all muslims are murtad

    today, we find scholarly opinion to justify our disobedience or we draw some line that to be a murtad, you have to been seen worshiping a rock or something
    .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
    نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد




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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Her parents gave her an ultimatum, so basically threatening to disown her

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    Her parents gave her an ultimatum, so basically threatening to disown her
    Well if it is an unIslamic reason, then go speak to an Imam who may direct you towards a Qadhi like Asiya said.

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    it is an unislamic reason.. but what would be the islamic reasons?

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    it is an unislamic reason.. but what would be the islamic reasons?
    If he used drugs, alcohol, did not pray/was not practicing etc etc...

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    these are my exact thought as a parent.
    Quote Originally Posted by abu saalehah View Post
    my daughters too young for marriage just yet, but if a revert wanted to marry my daughter and I was satisfied with his deen and character then no problem... but I would say that as I am a revert.

    The only proviso is that I would want to make sure when checking his deen that he has spent time learning the current understanding of our deen, that he can pray and that he has the foundation required to start a good muslim family and raise my grandchildren upon that.

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    Odan abu saalehah's Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    it is an unislamic reason.. but what would be the islamic reasons?
    a potential spouse is only meant to be rejected for reasons of deen, or character.

  19. #19
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    them refusing to let her marry him because he's a revert is not a valid reason islamically, they should do like sis Asiya says and go and see someone who can appoint a new wali for her - although the first step should be that this person tries to reason with her parents and explain that they are making a big mistake and the potential consequences (in this life and the next) if they refuse to allow the marriage for such a reason, and inshaAllah that may well get them to change their mind. If not, then a new wali can be appointed inshaAllah.

    As has been said, the only acceptable reasons is deen (i.e. not a practicing Muslim) or character (know to be a thief, liar, wife beater, criminal, oppressor, or many other examples of bad character)





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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    She's not with the guy anymore, she is scared she'll be disowned if she stayed with him

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by AbuMubarak View Post
    you are true

    however, today, disobedience to the messenger of Allah is not considered kufr, or else 85% of all muslims are murtad

    today, we find scholarly opinion to justify our disobedience or we draw some line that to be a murtad, you have to been seen worshiping a rock or something
    Nauzubillah min zaliq,

    akhi ...
    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

    "O followers of Muhammad! By Allah, if you knew what I know, you would weep much and laugh little."

    [Sahih Al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, Hadith no. 627]

    May Allah ta'ala join our beloved akhi Uncle-Umar (may Allah ta'ala have mercy upon him) with the Shuhada and grant him the Highest station in Jannatul Firdaus

    Ameen


    https://www.justgiving.com/FoodTruckForSyria/

  22. #22
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aleeza View Post
    If he used drugs, alcohol, did not pray/was not practicing etc etc...
    or was a kaafir, or a Mushrik etc ...

    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

    "O followers of Muhammad! By Allah, if you knew what I know, you would weep much and laugh little."

    [Sahih Al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, Hadith no. 627]

    May Allah ta'ala join our beloved akhi Uncle-Umar (may Allah ta'ala have mercy upon him) with the Shuhada and grant him the Highest station in Jannatul Firdaus

    Ameen


    https://www.justgiving.com/FoodTruckForSyria/

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    She's an amazing young and talented girl and she has a strong relationship with her parents and always wants to make them happy but surely she has to be happy too? The guy she wants to marry is a practising muslim and he makes her happy and he is a guy that will always be there for her and her family.. but the parents wont allow her to marry him because he wasnt born a muslim, she fears she'll be disowned
    I am the father of two daughters, one married and one single but of an age to marry.

    As I read your post a few things jump out at me:

    How does anyone know that the guy she wants to marry makes her happy?

    How does anyone know that this guy "will always be there for her and her family"?


    In addition to this; has the man approached the father in the correct way and expressed an interest in his daughter?
    And how does the daughter know that her parents wont allow her to marry him?

    What I might suspect if presented with this situation is that there has been some sort of pre-marital relationship between the daughter and the man. If the man has not approached me to ask for my daughter, then I would question his Religious knowledge and/or his courage and integrity.

    There is the factor of the daughters character, and is this man able to lead her in the way she needs to be lead, look after her in the way she needs to be looked after her and grow to love her for the sake of Allah.

    If I was a Man who wanted to marry a family's daughter and I sensed some possible hostility because I was a revert or white or not the same ethnicity as the family, I would make sure that the father saw me at his Masjid regularly, would know me to greet me and had been informed by people he trusted and respected that I was a good man with a good character and deen.


    So whilst on the surface the question looks simple, of course she should be allowed to marry a revert, the reality may be a little different.

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    She's not with the guy anymore, she is scared she'll be disowned if she stayed with him
    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    it is an unislamic reason.. but what would be the islamic reasons?
    I think we may have a very good reason here.

    It is not permitted to have pre-marital relationships in Islam.

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    no they shouldn't. if he's muslim then they cannot. but if she is troublesome, they have to explore all options before doing this.

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    shes not troublesome nor is the man, really nice people.. and they were in a relationship and they know it was wrong but they never did anything sexual or anything like that, they just wanna be married to eachother but parents wont allow it cus hes a revert

  27. #27
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Nashmya Imtiaz View Post
    no they shouldn't. if he's muslim then they cannot. but if she is troublesome, they have to explore all options before doing this.
    there's nothing in Islam that says you are allowed to disown a family member, even if they are troublesome. It is a major sin to break family ties.





  28. #28
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    shes not troublesome nor is the man, really nice people.. and they were in a relationship and they know it was wrong but they never did anything sexual or anything like that, they just wanna be married to eachother but parents wont allow it cus hes a revert
    I think you are missing the point.

    It is easy to hide behind "they wont allow it because he is a revert", but the truth is that they had a relationship outside marriage (what is nothing sexual? no holding hands? no kissing? no I love you? no you've nice body? no you have nice eyes?) and it appears that the man has not even been to the father to ask his permission to marry her.

    Now if a man had a relationship (non-sexual) with my daughter outside marriage, he would have to work damned hard to prove that it was a mistake and he was a decent practicing man who had made a mistake, was man enough to change his ways and would treat her with love, care and respect; then he could approach me and ask for her, face a fearsome grilling, probably rejected a couple of times before he had a hope of marrying her.

    If they had been "caught out" then we would have a matter of deception to go against his character as well.

    This is regardless of whether the man is a revert or not.

    A daughter is not a bag of sugar, but someone loved and cared for over years, no father worth his salt is going to just give her to someone because they "think they love each other".

    Look at what I have written in both posts here, its the truth, the fact that he is a revert may mitigate against him but as he has not behaved correctly in the first place we may never know.

  29. #29
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Remember, your story is at least third hand, you got it from him who got it from the daughter who heard it from her parents.

    You are not privy to the family conversations with the daughter, what was said, what was meant, nor do you know how much of the truth she told the man, they might have said "you are not permitted pre-marital relationships, the man hasn't come to ask us/apologise/beg/explain, he clearly lacks courage and maturity and is not well versed in the deen because he is a recent convert." So love-sick shorthand is "you can't marry him he is a convert."

    Then what details the man relayed to you could have twisted it that bit further.

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    I understand exactly what your saying, and they werent caught out, She told her parents but they were not happy and then the guy wanted to talk to her parents but they didnt want anything to do with him

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    I understand exactly what your saying, and they werent caught out, She told her parents but they were not happy and then the guy wanted to talk to her parents but they didnt want anything to do with him
    brother, the best thing to advise the brother is to go and speak to an imam, tell him the situation as the parents dont have any right to refuse him on the grounds of being a revert or of a certain race etc. as long as his character is good and he is following islam then masha Allah. Then the imam can speak with the parents and they can discuss their issues its always reccomended in these matters to get a mediator in to make sure no one is wronged and each partys side is heard. Insha Allah this way no one is wronged and an agreement can be reached insha Allah.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:35]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    would culture play a part in this?

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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    but how good is his character if he had a relationship with a girl and put himself in that position in the first place to get close to the girl?

    Recipes for all the family
    (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

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    pariah *asiya*'s Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    would culture play a part in this?
    brother, anyone who refuses a muslim man of good character and deen to marry their daughter because of his ethnicity, or his being not born to a muslim family, are for sure putting their culture before the deen.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:35]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


  35. #35
    pariah *asiya*'s Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by naila-k View Post
    but how good is his character if he had a relationship with a girl and put himself in that position in the first place to get close to the girl?
    Abu Bakr has explained that already above.

    our brother is new to islam so its important we clarify all the individual issues here, lest he gets the wrong impression and becomes confused about what people do in their culture, and what islam states. It may well be that even if there was no prior freindship between them, that the family would refuse only on racial grounds it happens all the time, and its not from islam.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:35]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


  36. #36
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Just getting a little bit confused here

  37. #37
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Like would you disown your daughter for marrying a guy they dont want as her husband?

  38. #38
    pariah *asiya*'s Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Quote Originally Posted by Stvnh View Post
    Like would you disown your daughter for marrying a guy they dont want as her husband?
    i wouldnt be refusing a muslim to marry my daughter because he was a different ethnicity, thats not from islam, and its wrong.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:35]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


  39. #39
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    Yeah it is wrong but nothing can be done about it now

  40. #40
    umm sumaiya naila-k's Avatar
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    Re: Disowning your daughter?

    i wouldnt be refusing my daughter to marry anyone who is a practising muslim.

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