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  1. #1
    Odan
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    Concerns of a brother, part III

    Salaam.

    So I'm 29 yo...not quite ready to get married, but my parents have started talking to me about it. Obviously, I'm most likely going to end up with an "arranged" marriage, if any at all, and I'm not complaining about that.

    However, I've read some of the posts here and people have stated that whats important in these Islamic 'arranged' marriages is of course deen and character. That doesn't bother me too much because, I'm sure I'll find someone on my level who is appropriate for where I am now and where I want to be by the time I die.

    However, people talk about compatibility, shared interests, etc. In fact, I'll quote what one Sister (assuming its a sister) has stated from the "love marriage/arranged marriage" thread:

    At the meetings with a potential you shold be looking for someone who's practicing, has good character and is compatible with you, in terms of things like similar sense of humour, shared interests, being able to sustain a conversation together.
    First of all, I don't have any shared interests in common with any girls. I like sports and enjoy talking and thinking about current events, trivia, and philosophy. Most girls are not into any of those things. Not unless their nerdy, which I guess I am. I don't know anything about fashion (even for a guy, I'm pretty bland). I don't even know what girls talk about, but I know its not sports or philosophy or trivia.

    Because of that, I can't sustain a conversation of any length with women. As a result I've never really ever talked to girls. I do fine with guys cuz we can talk about whatever, and I'll usually crack jokes...my buddies think I'm a riot. But I have a very "male" sense of humor and so sisters wouldn't find anything funny about it.

    As a result, I feel who'd marry me except a person who - no offense - is just as "boring" as me or even more boring...or some butch woman who is basically a man!

    This makes a lot of sense because I'm not an ugly dude...I'm quite decent looking (average). Guys just like me get a lot of attention from women. But I bore them to death, and then when they're dead, bore them some more, lol.

    Please someone give it to me straight!

  2. #2
    Odan
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    If this site is an indication there are many sisters that participate in philosophical discussions and current events. Really not all girls are obsessed with fashion. Inshallah you'll find someone. Compatibility is nice but so is compromise. Something to think about.

  3. #3
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Quote Originally Posted by Vitriolic_Sage View Post
    Salaam.

    So I'm 29 yo...not quite ready to get married, but my parents have started talking to me about it. Obviously, I'm most likely going to end up with an "arranged" marriage, if any at all, and I'm not complaining about that.

    However, I've read some of the posts here and people have stated that whats important in these Islamic 'arranged' marriages is of course deen and character. That doesn't bother me too much because, I'm sure I'll find someone on my level who is appropriate for where I am now and where I want to be by the time I die.

    However, people talk about compatibility, shared interests, etc. In fact, I'll quote what one Sister (assuming its a sister) has stated from the "love marriage/arranged marriage" thread:



    First of all, I don't have any shared interests in common with any girls. I like sports and enjoy talking and thinking about current events, trivia, and philosophy. Most girls are not into any of those things. Not unless their nerdy, which I guess I am. I don't know anything about fashion (even for a guy, I'm pretty bland). I don't even know what girls talk about, but I know its not sports or philosophy or trivia.

    Because of that, I can't sustain a conversation of any length with women. As a result I've never really ever talked to girls. I do fine with guys cuz we can talk about whatever, and I'll usually crack jokes...my buddies think I'm a riot. But I have a very "male" sense of humor and so sisters wouldn't find anything funny about it.

    As a result, I feel who'd marry me except a person who - no offense - is just as "boring" as me or even more boring...or some butch woman who is basically a man!

    This makes a lot of sense because I'm not an ugly dude...I'm quite decent looking (average). Guys just like me get a lot of attention from women. But I bore them to death, and then when they're dead, bore them some more, lol.

    Please someone give it to me straight!
    Are you really sure you are not ready to get married? You make a lot of posts about marriage lol...You seem like you think about it a lot. I think you do.

  4. #4
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Quote Originally Posted by muslimahc View Post
    Are you really sure you are not ready to get married? You make a lot of posts about marriage lol...You seem like you think about it a lot. I think you do.
    LOL...you got me. I'd be ready (I guess) but I'm broke right now...lol.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator Jenicca's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Why are you asking us.

    Ask Allah swt and he will provide for you inshaAllah
    وَالْعَصْرِ

    إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

    إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ


    If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.


    Revive A Sunnah


    The Qur'an Club !!

  6. #6
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Honestly I think deen is what should be most important. The rest Allah will make it work.

    I'm ten years younger than you so i guess my advice isn't the best :P

  7. #7
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    You're over thinking this.

    Compatibly is the number one priority and being on the same level deen wise.

    However, you don't have to have the same interests to be compatible.

    I'm interested in fashion. My husband doesnt share any interest in this, as I would expect. He's crazy about football. Which I have no interest in.

    I'm creative. He's not. He knows more about the world and current events. I don't.

    I'm more spiritually inclined. He's stronger with Arabic language, his Hifdz and Tajweed.

    My background is in Education. He doesnt know anything about the Education system.

    All that matters is, that we're on the same page on how we both expect each other to live our lives and what we both expect from our children.

  8. #8
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Oh wow, part 3 already, is this like a movie or something

  9. #9
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    You should be fine, once you marry and your stuck with her, you will have to get along with eachother and will learn a lot about eachother.

  10. #10
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    it's chemistry which is what you're looking for. you'll just know the moment you see her. sounds far fetched but it's true. you'll have disagreements and agreements in so many ways it just works. it's something you don't need to force yourself to do. you'll make compromises like anyone, but it will all come naturally. don't think too hard and think too detailed. you'll know when you see her. you'll understand each other and somehow work. everything around you, will work isA

    "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)
    Last edited by Nashmia; 03-05-12 at 11:32 AM.

  11. #11
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Salaams,

    Some girls will accept you for who you are as long as you treat them right and are a good husband.

    Some may try and change you, but not in a bad way... Just enough so you have more common interests or do things you wouldn't ordinarily do.

    And some just might not like you regardless of how well you treat them.

    Put your trust in Allah, use your brain and don't go into anything blindly, and make istikhara along the way.

  12. #12
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    The most important to your 'future wife' would be that you are a good husband who treats her well and with kindness...nothing more!

    It really doesnt matter if you do not share the exact same interests, who would want to be married to a clone of themselves anyway???

  13. #13
    ---Ali--- علي's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Quote Originally Posted by Abda View Post
    who would want to be married to a clone of themselves anyway???
    Well that doesn't work because a clone would be the same gender...........

    Yeah okay I'm being facetious.

  14. #14
    Odan
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Quote Originally Posted by LondonGal View Post
    You're over thinking this.

    Compatibly is the number one priority and being on the same level deen wise.

    However, you don't have to have the same interests to be compatible.

    I'm interested in fashion. My husband doesnt share any interest in this, as I would expect. He's crazy about football. Which I have no interest in.

    I'm creative. He's not. He knows more about the world and current events. I don't.

    I'm more spiritually inclined. He's stronger with Arabic language, his Hifdz and Tajweed.

    My background is in Education. He doesnt know anything about the Education system.

    All that matters is, that we're on the same page on how we both expect each other to live our lives and what we both expect from our children.
    Good to know...this is exactly what I was talking about. Thanks.

    I'm guessing you still have stuff you can talk about...?

    But I'm worried about the meet-n-greets between potentials. Once you're married you don't have to talk to each for the rest of your lives...the deal is sealed (just kidding, lol). But before you get married...I can't really carry a conversation. I'm not that smooth, I don't have 'game'.

  15. #15
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    I am eagerly awaiting Part IV. Please upload it ASAP.

  16. #16
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Quote Originally Posted by x--x View Post
    I am eagerly awaiting Part IV. Please upload it ASAP.
    Part IV will be right before a meeting with a potential, lol.

  17. #17
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Btw - it doesn't matter if you can't talk about girly things. I'm sure all meetings before marriage are full of sweaty palms and erms and ums. Doesn't mean you're boring.

    Talk about something neutral...like the samosa you're eating

  18. #18

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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    I got the same problem, I'm really interested in history,culture, and stuff like that. However I cling to the hope that women don't want an uncultured man for their husband so I'm all good. I'm sure women will appreciate you being more cultured than a man who's just into the same thing as every other guy is.

    By cultured I mean that you think outside the box and know many things.

  19. #19

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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Quote Originally Posted by Vitriolic_Sage View Post
    Good to know...this is exactly what I was talking about. Thanks.

    I'm guessing you still have stuff you can talk about...?

    But I'm worried about the meet-n-greets between potentials. Once you're married you don't have to talk to each for the rest of your lives...the deal is sealed (just kidding, lol). But before you get married...I can't really carry a conversation. I'm not that smooth, I don't have 'game'.
    that doesn't matter. You'll probably eventually find something to talk about.

  20. #20
    Odan
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III

    Quote Originally Posted by Vitriolic_Sage View Post

    I'm guessing you still have stuff you can talk about...?

    But I'm worried about the meet-n-greets between potentials. Once you're married you don't have to talk to each for the rest of your lives...the deal is sealed (just kidding, lol). But before you get married...I can't really carry a conversation. I'm not that smooth, I don't have 'game'.
    Of course we do. He's my best friend.

    I may not understand the first thing about his work, nor does he understand my work. But we still talk to each other about it.

    That's the same with most things.

    I don't think it's even about shared interests - its more about being a good talker, listener, being interested in different topics, issues etc

  21. #21
    Senior Member mademoiselle's Avatar
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    Re: Concerns of a brother, part III



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