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Tafseer Class, Tafseer Ibn Katheer, Saturday 6:30pm GMT (7:30pm BST/GMT+1) skype: ummahradio Show Details here

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  1. #1
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    Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!

    Sallam.

    I've been having this problem for a while now. I was an overweight, and unattractive teenager with low self-esteem and never got attention from guys. At the end of my last high school year though, I lost weight, and began grooming myself which caused a lot of attention from guys. Ever since then I started going out with boys, and even had my first kiss. Then one day, I ended up going out with an older guy who basically forced me to make out with him. I was vulnerable and afraid, so I went with it. After that I repented and promised I would never put myself in that position again. Nevertheless, I continued talking to several other guys, as I would get bored of one after a while and move on to the next. I repented again, and said I would stop communicating with guys. 2 years later, I met another guy who seemed quite decent, and I attempted to pursue a halal 'relationship'. I told him we wouldn't touch, and just meet in a public area for the purpose of getting to know each other for marriage. He agreed, and we were together for one year without touching or anything. Sadly, I'm 20 now and after that 1 'clean year together', I'm still with this guy and we have started to kiss and makeout. I feel EXTREMELY ashamed. I don't know why I cannot get out of this cycle. I keep repenting and trying to stay away from all this guy business... But it just wont work. After I end things with 1 guy, another one comes along and I cannot contain myself. I have not had intercourse, but I'm afraid if I keep going like this, I might make that mistake one day as well.

    I do not know what to do anymore. I'm sure Allah is very disappointed in me. I pray 5 times a day, and come from a very religious family yet I can't stay away from boys. I'm afraid my parents will find out and honestly I don't want to hurt them. Can someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle? I don't have the courage to leave the current guy I'm with. I'm scared for my future.

  2. #2
    Make Dua For Syria Shahmiah's Avatar
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    Re: Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!

    If you really like this guy and he is practicing then i would advice you to get married to him. Or break up with him and tell your parents you want to get married.

    Also remove all male contacts of your phone, email etc. and also distance yourself from other males and also repent and ask for forgiveness

  3. #3
    میرے دل کا نور .mirror.'s Avatar
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    Re: Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!



    Sister, the only way you're getting these guys is because you're seeking them out. You're putting yourself in situations where they come in contact with you. Come on, sis, really. Give it up. You know really well, the only one to blame here is you. No guy is forcing you to make out with you, unless you play along with him. No guy is going to come and have a "relationship" with you unless you allow it.

    Sister, really, the way you described yourself, it's very (allow me to use the word) cheap. You think you are moving on from one guy to another? No, sister, you're not. Let me tell you what's happening. These guys are using you and when they've had it, they discard you. Then, the next guy picks you up and when he's done, he discards you. Basically, you're putting yourself out there in the market for men. See how cheap that is?

    "After I end things with 1 guy, another one comes along and I cannot contain myself..." These are not words that should be coming from a Muslimah. It doesn't fit your status. The only way another one comes along is because you let him. So, stop this!

    You might be thinking you're getting love and affection. But, this is all haram, you know that really well. The poor excuse that you're making..."I don't have the courage to leave the current guy I'm with," is not going to work at all. You have the courage and audacity to disobey Allah, the Creator, and you don't have the courage to leave some guy who picked you up from the last one who discarded you? Really?

    So, please, stop hiding yourself behind this excuse of courage and do what's right - leave him and end this cheap lifestyle that you've been living since high school.

    You need to realize that you're a Muslimah. Do you know how much dignity, respect, and value gets bestowed upon you from your Creator by just having the title of "Muslimah"? You become better in the sight of Allah than all the party-going kafir women who have no morals and respect for themselves and their body; who love being thrown around from one man to another, thinking they are being appreciated.

    You become better in the sight of Allah than billions of women in this world! So, please for the sake of Allah, don't lower yourself to the level of those who are misguided!

    Don't you wish to raise a family of children who are righteous and live for the sake of Allah and stay away from sins? Don't you wish to be the wife of a pious man who follows the Sunnah of Rasulullah and fears Allah much? How will you look at your children knowing this sort of past that you had? Would you ever want your daughter, who you supposedly thought was pious, praying her salah, then behind your back she goes and makes out with some guy? I'm sure you don't, then why are you putting yourself through this?

    Sister, please, the day you have to stop this is TODAY! Because no one is promised to live until tomorrow, do you realize that? Trust me, sister, when you end this once and for all and go back to Allah fully, you'll feel much more in peace. A burden will be lifted off from you, burden of sin and guilt. What can be more peaceful than finally obeying Allah?

    Insha'Allah, make a resolution today to do whatever you have to do and get this guy out of your life and live like a real Muslimah, an obedient slave of Allah. Then, repent (sincerely this time) and resolve to never go back again. Thank Allah that He has saved you from committing the major sin and thank Him for giving you the sense to even wanting to come back to Him. Subhan'Allah, so many Muslim get deluded by this lifestyle that they go so far, and don't return back. It takes over them. You're the blessed one who has been given the opportunity, so please, take this opportunity and finish this once and for all.

    It might seem hard for you, but there's someone who will be very happy with you - Allah! Imagine, you've been given the opportunity to please your Creator! Are you gonna let this go and feed your desires!? If you don't already, please wear HIJAB! I have a feeling that's one reason why your life is like this.

    Sorry if this is harsh, but sometimes harsh is what's needed. I hope you think about this really well. May Allah keep you on the Straight Path and save you from the harms and corruption of this dunya.
    Call onto Allah, such that you are certain that He, al-Mujib wal-Kareem, will answer your call before you even lower your hands.
    وَقَالَ رَبُّكُمُ ادْعُونِي أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ

  4. #4
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    Re: Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!

    Quote Originally Posted by .mirror. View Post

    Sister, really, the way you described yourself, it's very (allow me to use the word) cheap. You think you are moving on from one guy to another? No, sister, you're not. Let me tell you what's happening. These guys are using you and when they've had it, they discard you. Then, the next guy picks you up and when he's done, he discards you. Basically, you're putting yourself out there in the market for men. See how cheap that is?
    This is a very important point sis, because mirror is right, these guys are using you. A Muslimah is a precious thing (and a Muslim man is too btw, not being sexist lol) you, your body and your sexuality is precious. Men who are neither your husband nor one of your mahrams (close blood relatives) don't even have the right to *look* at you, never mind touch you or attempt to engage in idle chat with you. If a man wants to do those things, he has to commit himself to you *completely* through marriage. If he isn't going to give you the commitment you deserve, then he doesn't deserve you.

    There are always men out there who want to use women - i.e. enjoy their bodies without giving them the commitment that they deserve. Don't be a freebie for these men.

    Usually this kind of behaviour comes from low self esteem and you already said how you have low self esteem. Maybe Islamic counselling can help you to improve your self esteem and learn to value yourself as the precious jewel that you are so you don't feel tempted to throw yourself into the gutter for the vermin.

    There are a few things you can do to help raise your self esteem even without counselling (counselling helps you to get to the root of the problem and fix it there, but these other measures may help a little inshaAllah) - firstly don't ever say negative things about yourself, start talking to yourself as you'd talk to your best friend. Maybe this includes giving yourself some advice that might not be so tasteful, e.g. reminding yourself that these kind of men are just using you. - Also try to focus on your acheivements and allow yourself to be pleased with what you've achieved, and also in your studies or other areas of your life, strive to achieve more. - most importantly, develop a strong relationship with Allah, focus on perfecting your prayers, reading Qur'an and being a good Muslimah. If all else fails, remind yourself how much Allah wants you to protect yourself from men who want to use you up and discard you without taking any responsibility. Also, like Mirror said, if you don't wear hijab already, start wearing it. If you already wear it, focus on perfecting it, it's not just about clothes but behaviour too, e.g. lowering your gaze, avoiding idle chat with the opposite gender etc. This will give the sleazy men the message to stay away from you, and it will help you to remember your duties to Allah and to yourself, i.e. staying away from sin.

    Hope that helps inshaAllah sis.

    btw if you have issues with your own desires, then the solution to that is to get married but inshaAllah it's better if you fix this problem first, including repenting for past sins, or you won't find it easy to get a pious Muslim husband.





  5. #5
    Make Dua For Syria Shahmiah's Avatar
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    Re: Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!

    Quote Originally Posted by .mirror. View Post


    Sister, the only way you're getting these guys is because you're seeking them out. You're putting yourself in situations where they come in contact with you. Come on, sis, really. Give it up. You know really well, the only one to blame here is you. No guy is forcing you to make out with you, unless you play along with him. No guy is going to come and have a "relationship" with you unless you allow it.

    Sister, really, the way you described yourself, it's very (allow me to use the word) cheap. You think you are moving on from one guy to another? No, sister, you're not. Let me tell you what's happening. These guys are using you and when they've had it, they discard you. Then, the next guy picks you up and when he's done, he discards you. Basically, you're putting yourself out there in the market for men. See how cheap that is?

    "After I end things with 1 guy, another one comes along and I cannot contain myself..." These are not words that should be coming from a Muslimah. It doesn't fit your status. The only way another one comes along is because you let him. So, stop this!

    You might be thinking you're getting love and affection. But, this is all haram, you know that really well. The poor excuse that you're making..."I don't have the courage to leave the current guy I'm with," is not going to work at all. You have the courage and audacity to disobey Allah, the Creator, and you don't have the courage to leave some guy who picked you up from the last one who discarded you? Really?

    So, please, stop hiding yourself behind this excuse of courage and do what's right - leave him and end this cheap lifestyle that you've been living since high school.

    You need to realize that you're a Muslimah. Do you know how much dignity, respect, and value gets bestowed upon you from your Creator by just having the title of "Muslimah"? You become better in the sight of Allah than all the party-going kafir women who have no morals and respect for themselves and their body; who love being thrown around from one man to another, thinking they are being appreciated.

    You become better in the sight of Allah than billions of women in this world! So, please for the sake of Allah, don't lower yourself to the level of those who are misguided!

    Don't you wish to raise a family of children who are righteous and live for the sake of Allah and stay away from sins? Don't you wish to be the wife of a pious man who follows the Sunnah of Rasulullah and fears Allah much? How will you look at your children knowing this sort of past that you had? Would you ever want your daughter, who you supposedly thought was pious, praying her salah, then behind your back she goes and makes out with some guy? I'm sure you don't, then why are you putting yourself through this?

    Sister, please, the day you have to stop this is TODAY! Because no one is promised to live until tomorrow, do you realize that? Trust me, sister, when you end this once and for all and go back to Allah fully, you'll feel much more in peace. A burden will be lifted off from you, burden of sin and guilt. What can be more peaceful than finally obeying Allah?

    Insha'Allah, make a resolution today to do whatever you have to do and get this guy out of your life and live like a real Muslimah, an obedient slave of Allah. Then, repent (sincerely this time) and resolve to never go back again. Thank Allah that He has saved you from committing the major sin and thank Him for giving you the sense to even wanting to come back to Him. Subhan'Allah, so many Muslim get deluded by this lifestyle that they go so far, and don't return back. It takes over them. You're the blessed one who has been given the opportunity, so please, take this opportunity and finish this once and for all.

    It might seem hard for you, but there's someone who will be very happy with you - Allah! Imagine, you've been given the opportunity to please your Creator! Are you gonna let this go and feed your desires!? If you don't already, please wear HIJAB! I have a feeling that's one reason why your life is like this.

    Sorry if this is harsh, but sometimes harsh is what's needed. I hope you think about this really well. May Allah keep you on the Straight Path and save you from the harms and corruption of this dunya.
    Mashallah after that she should have stopped! Wasn't harsh in my eyes it was how it should be said.

  6. #6
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    Re: Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!



    MashaAllah the above posters have given you top advice which inshaAllah has helped you change. Although I have never been overweight or allowed myself to ever have a relationship or even a real friendship with any non-mahram male, I think I understand where you are coming from...it is a fact that every woman wants to be loved and appreciated..even the feminist miss. independent type but as muslim women we are only allowed to let our husbands make us feel that way. This is a very important point muslim women has to remember...any woman can attract any random man to “love” her but a muslim woman should only try to attract her husband and only let him love her.

    Even if we perceive ourselves as unattractive, we can still attract the opposite gender if we tried...because the fact is every woman can beautify themselves by doing their hair, eyebrows, wearing makeup, wearing tight/short clothes and most importantly through their playful character to get the males attention for the wrong reasons. But as muslim women we have to remember we are only allowed to attract our husbands. You should not feel unattractive or have low self-esteem because remember when you get married your husband will find you beautiful so save yourself for someone special who will be your future husband who is worthy of you and no other man. Muslim women has to practise inner and outer modesty so this means not just wearing a hijab but also have modest character so avoid getting too friendly/flirting with the opposite gender and try to only talk when necessary without coming across rude...it can be hard to get the balance but try to remember Allah swt when you find yourself joking/talking unnecessarily then quickly control yourself inshaAllah. You should make sincere tawba (repentance) for your past sins and strive to move on for the sake of pleasing Allah swt and try to become more God conscious by doing zikir often...remember...forget about trying to please any man..just stay focused on trying to please Allah swt!

    May Allah swt keep you away from your past bad habits and keep you in the straight path always, Ameen. Sorry I don't know if my advice was useful to you..please forgive me if it wasn't but you should definitely listen to brother mirror's and dhak1yya's posts.

  7. #7
    ♥ a crooked rib ♥ ~TwinklingStar~'s Avatar
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    Re: Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!

    Sister, firstly, make a firm resolve that you will never have any contact with any ghair mehram in your life - no matter how friendly you once were with him. Cut off contact with all guys - totally. No meetings, no texts, no emails, no phone-calls, nothing ... Repent sincerely for all your wrong doings in the past.

    I suggest you keep a diary and every time you commit a sin henceforth , i.e. contact any male not related to you, write it down in your diary.

    Then, follow it up with some good deeds as an expiation because good deeds help to wipe off bad deeds, like

    1. Offer 3 consecutive fasts + pray 20 rakahs in the middle of the night for 3 consecutive nights. If you miss any day in between , start all over again.

    2. Give charity - as charity helps to cool Allah's wrath. And by charity, I don't mean some spare change from here & there. It should be actual charity - charity that pinches you. This is very important.

    If you have to do something that strains you both physically and spiritually everytime you commit a sin, you will be less inclined to committing sins in the future .

    Try it out...InshaAllah, it'll help.


  8. #8
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    Re: Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!

    You're 20, why not get married? You have desires like any other human, why not fulfill them in the halal manner which Allah has allowed.

  9. #9

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    Re: Someone PLEASE help me get out of this cycle?!

    As a guy, I would feel extremely uncomfortable in marrying someone like you. No offence. But a reality check is needed; you're moving from guy to guy as if it means nothing.

    I think if you really do feel in love with this guy, and I hope it's for the right intentions, then get married. Speak to your parents, and speak to him about it. Hopefully when this occurs, you love him and him alone.


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