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  1. #1
    Who me? Mohammed.F's Avatar
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    Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Why? Is this part of Islam? Of course not, it's cultural.

    Many women don't like it, yet they agree with it.

    On top of that, why do guys do this? I would rather be married and live in a hostel than to be married and bring my wife to live in the same house/flat that my parents and sibling live in. Why don't men just rent an apartment.

    The first few years of the marriage must be the most exciting, right? But how can it if you live with the in laws? If the couple want to kiss in the living room or give each other a romantic cuddle, they can't if someone else is in the room. That's just one tiny example. I'm sure I don't need to further and give other obvious examples.

    Does anyone find the whole "living with the in laws" thing just plain weird and bizarre.

  2. #2
    ~**~**~**~**~**~ ze leetle elper's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    no its not weird and in fact can be beneficial for both parties to be together for a while to learn and get to know one another better. Living in large family units is not unheard of and the practise goes back in almost every community in every time.
    What does 'freedom' mean?

    Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
    Restricted by the sky?

    Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
    Not enough river to explore?

    Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
    but death for the fish,

    The sea is wide for the fish
    but will engulf the bird.

    We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
    We can only express our nature as it was created.

    The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
    freedom from slavery to other than the One,
    Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
    and a horizon that extends to the next life,

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Cos not everyone can afford their own place or sometimes they have old or sick parents who need their help??

  4. #4
    Who me? Mohammed.F's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bugz View Post
    Cos not everyone can afford their own place or sometimes they have old or sick parents who need their help??
    Then wait, don't get married. If you still need mummy and daddy to cook for you, clean your clothes and put a roof over your head, then you're not ready to support yourself, let alone a spouse and a potential child.

    Otherwise, you might as well get married when you're 14. Because what's the difference?

    Wait, save up and then when you're able to live out and look after yourself, then get married if you're able to look after a spouse and put a roof over your heads.

  5. #5
    ~**~**~**~**~**~ ze leetle elper's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Then wait, don't get married. If you still need mummy and daddy to cook for you, clean your clothes and put a roof over your head, then you're not ready to support yourself, let alone a spouse and a potential child.

    Otherwise, you might as well get married when you're 14. Because what's the difference?

    Wait, save up and then when you're able to live out and look after yourself, then get married if you're able to look after a spouse and put a roof over your heads.
    wait until you have a 50k a year salary, a large family home, a nanny, thousands put aside for potential schooling, before having any children
    What does 'freedom' mean?

    Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
    Restricted by the sky?

    Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
    Not enough river to explore?

    Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
    but death for the fish,

    The sea is wide for the fish
    but will engulf the bird.

    We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
    We can only express our nature as it was created.

    The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
    freedom from slavery to other than the One,
    Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
    and a horizon that extends to the next life,

  6. #6
    Alpha Dude
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Look man, different people like different things. Some people like living in extended family atmospheres whilst others need their space and just because some live with parents and can't afford to move out, doesn't necessarily mean they are not mature enough for marriage.

    Living together does have it's problems but if people wish to do that, let them and it's none of our business.

  7. #7
    Who me? Mohammed.F's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by ze leetle elper View Post
    no its not weird and in fact can be beneficial for both parties to be together for a while to learn and get to know one another better. Living in large family units is not unheard of and the practise goes back in almost every community in every time.
    Marriage is between two people. Not to families. If you marry your spouse, you want to be alone together and have fun and get to know each oher. You don't want your parents around. I don't want my parent around when I'm with my friends, so why would I want them around most of the time when I'm with the person I'm married to?

    The whole thing is just suffocating. There was a BBC Article in which a lot of Asian educated women professionals did not want to live with their in laws, but had to comprise and do so in order to marry the man. To me, it all seems suffocating.

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Then wait, don't get married. If you still need mummy and daddy to cook for you, clean your clothes and put a roof over your head, then you're not ready to support yourself, let alone a spouse and a potential child.

    Otherwise, you might as well get married when you'r 14.

    Wait, save up and then when you're able to live out and look after yourself, then get married if you're able to look after a spouse and put a roof over your heads.
    What if your dad's rich and you don't wanna work or don't need to and he does'nt mind you living with him or not working??

  9. #9
    Who me? Mohammed.F's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by ze leetle elper View Post
    wait until you have a 50k a year salary, a large family home, a nanny, thousands put aside for potential schooling, before having any children
    Never heard of renting? Most people do it and it's popular with Non Muslims because they're usually kicked out by their parents after they've finished university. And the average wage is 24 k. I don't see the non Muslims living at home.

    Many new young non Muslim nurses and teachers have their own place, by renting and a cheap car and their wage usually starts at 19-20K a year.

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Marriage is between two people. Not to families. If you marry your spouse, you want to be alone together and have fun and get to know each oher. You don't want your parents around. I don't want my parent around when I'm with my friends, so why would I want them around most of the time when I'm with the person I'm married to?

    The whole thing is just suffocating. There was a BBC Article in which a lot of Asian educated women professionals did not want to live with their in laws, but had to comprise and do so in order to marry the man. To me, it all seems suffocating.
    Oi, so now your parents are a suffocation for you??

    You need to learn to respect and value your parents before you get married, never mind the bank balance. How about living with them, making their khidmah and attaining jannah, ever thought of that? or is it all about having fun with your new wife while your parents die a slow and lonely death??

  11. #11
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Then wait, don't get married. If you still need mummy and daddy to cook for you, clean your clothes and put a roof over your head, then you're not ready to support yourself, let alone a spouse and a potential child.

    Otherwise, you might as well get married when you're 14. Because what's the difference?

    Wait, save up and then when you're able to live out and look after yourself, then get married if you're able to look after a spouse and put a roof over your heads.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Marriage is between two people. Not to families. If you marry your spouse, you want to be alone together and have fun and get to know each oher. You don't want your parents around. I don't want my parent around when I'm with my friends, so why would I want them around most of the time when I'm with the person I'm married to?

    The whole thing is just suffocating. There was a BBC Article in which a lot of Asian educated women professionals did not want to live with their in laws, but had to comprise and do so in order to marry the man. To me, it all seems suffocating.

    so true. such a lot of emotional blackmail involved in much of these cultural practices, we see it all the time on the forum so many young people being forced into situations for sake of their culture and islam being blamed for such practices. for example parents demand that sons take their permission to marry, demand that they marry a woman of the parents choosing, demand they import a relative from backhome, demand that the child marry only someone of the same race/ social standing etc. and then on top of all that, as if they hadnt compromised themselves enough, demand that they all live under the same roof.
    Last edited by *asiya*; 29-09-11 at 10:06 AM.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

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    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


  12. #12
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude View Post
    Look man, different people like different things. Some people like living in extended family atmospheres whilst others need their space and just because some live with parents and can't afford to move out, doesn't necessarily mean they are not mature enough for marriage.

    Living together does have it's problems but if people wish to do that, let them and it's none of our business.
    I wasn't talking about whether you're mature or not. Maturity doesn't have an age. Some people mature at 18, others at 25 and some at 30.

    However like I said, if you can't financially support yourself, how can you financially support a a spouse.

    And where do you stop. What about the bedroom? How embarrassing is it that you and your wife have got to be quiet because you're mum's bedroom is next door and she might hear. If that's not awkward, I don't know what is.

    But like you said, people like that. I just find it weird and there are Muslims who don't want it but reluctantly agree to it because it's the only way they'll get married.

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bugz View Post
    Oi, so now your parents are a suffocation for you??

    You need to learn to respect and value your parents before you get married, never mind the bank balance. How about living with them, making their khidmah and attaining jannah, ever thought of that? or is it all about having fun with your new wife while your parents die a slow and lonely death??
    Oh come on, is that the best argument you could muster for living with the in laws.

    It's suffocating because you can't do things with your wives that most people would do. For example, you and your wive might eb sitting on the sofa watching tv, she turns to you and you turn to her. There's nothing wrong with kissing in Islam, right? But, you and your wife can't kiss or show much affection to one another because you're mum or dad is sitting on the other sofa.

    Now if you were living in your own place, that restriction wouldn't be there. Get my point?

  14. #14
    Its fine, take a 38mm noobz's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Then wait, don't get married. If you still need mummy and daddy to cook for you, clean your clothes and put a roof over your head, then you're not ready to support yourself, let alone a spouse and a potential child.

    Otherwise, you might as well get married when you're 14. Because what's the difference?


    Wait, save up and then when you're able to live out and look after yourself, then get married if you're able to look after a spouse and put a roof over your heads.
    yeah thats the perfect case scenario if ur going to get married at 55 cause then u'll have the salary to afford an apartment of ur own.




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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Oh come on, is that the best argument you could muster for living with the in laws.

    It's suffocating because you can't do things with your wives that most people would do. For example, you and your wive might eb sitting on the sofa watching tv, she turns to you and you turn to her. There's nothing wrong with kissing in Islam, right? But, you and your wife can't kiss or show much affection to one another because you're mum or dad is sitting on the other sofa.

    Now if you were living in your own place, that restriction wouldn't be there. Get my point?
    Petty argument, put a tv in the room. Life is not a constant honeymoon, you will find out when you get married.

    Bottom line, if you don't want to live with your parents just say so. No need to make up silly excuses. A better excuse would be, you don't want to have conflict between your mother and wife and so causing unneccessary tension between the them. The whole affection, sexual thing just don't make sense to me...

  16. #16
    Alpha Dude
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    However like I said, if you can't financially support yourself, how can you financially support a a spouse.
    Those who live at home would be able to save up their money instead of paying rent and so would actually be more in a position to provide for their spouse.

    And where do you stop. What about the bedroom? How embarrassing is it that you and your wife have got to be quiet because you're mum's bedroom is next door and she might hear. If that's not awkward, I don't know what is.

    But like you said, people like that. I just find it weird and there are Muslims who don't want it but reluctantly agree to it because it's the only way they'll get married.
    Mate, I do agree that it is better for a couple to live on their own. Especially in this day and age. However, we have to consider that each person has his/her own individual circumstance that makes them prefer to live with the parents and we can't assume that it is bad for them. It may happen in some cases but we shouldn't think it's bad all around.

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Me and my wife live with my parents because financially it makes sense. Inshalla we will be able to save and look elsewhere. I don't buy this western ideology of individualism whereby you forsake your parents just because you want to 'enjoy' life. Patents do a lot for their kids especially Muslim parents and go through huge sacrifices and we can never pay them back even if we had 7 lifetimes. What we can take though are valuable lessons.

    Regarding problems that may arise while living there then these are natural. If you have not any problems then you are not human. There are two types of people who ain't got no worries, 1 is a madman. And the other is a dead man.

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    Transformation Complete Zesty's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Maybe some of us don't find it suffocating and rather feel it creates a strong bond and allows us to get to know one another. If you don't like it and your future wife won't like it then of course by all means don't live with your parents/ inlaws but stop telling other people how they should/should not feel, should/should not do
    *~* Learn Patience from Aasiyah (RA); Loyalty from Khadhija (RA); Sincerity from Aisha (RA) and Steadfastness from Fatima (RA).*~*

  19. #19
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    so true. such a lot of emotional blackmail involved in much of these cultural practices, we see it all the time on the forum so many young people being forced into situations for sake of their culture and islam being blamed for such practices. for example parents demand that sons take their permission to marry, demand that they marry a woman of the parents choosing, demand they import a relative from backhome, demand that the child marry only someone of the same race/ social standing etc. and then on top of all that, as if they hadnt compromised themselves enough, demand that they all live under the same roof.
    Indeed and people wonder why people put of marriage until their 30s. I know I would if I was girl and I knew that marriage would result in me having to live with a whole new family.

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zesty View Post
    Maybe some of us don't find it suffocating and rather feel it creates a strong bond and allows us to get to know one another. If you don't like it and your future wife won't like it then of course by all means don't live with your parents/ inlaws but stop telling other people how they should/should not feel, should/should not do
    I'm not telling you am I? Did I say it should be banned? I just said it was weird and explained why.

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    Who me? Mohammed.F's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by noobz View Post
    yeah thats the perfect case scenario if ur going to get married at 55 cause then u'll have the salary to afford an apartment of ur own.
    Don't know what country you're in, but in the UK you can be on average salary and be able to afford your own aparment and when I mean afford, I mean rent. Which is what most people do. Nobody buys houses now until they're at least in their 30s because it's so expenses, but most people don't live at home that long, they usually move out in their early 20s and rent.

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    Who me? Mohammed.F's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bugz View Post
    Petty argument, put a tv in the room. Life is not a constant honeymoon, you will find out when you get married.

    Bottom line, if you don't want to live with your parents just say so. No need to make up silly excuses. A better excuse would be, you don't want to have conflict between your mother and wife and so causing unneccessary tension between the them. The whole affection, sexual thing just don't make sense to me...
    That's just sad. But let's say couples did do that. Wouldn't that be a sign? So everytime someone walks past their room and hears the tv, they must "oh their making love".

    You might as well put a sign on the door, or even better, tell everyone to leave the house for a few hours

  23. #23
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    if a woman lives with her in-laws willingly, nothing wrong with that

    if a woman wants a separate accommodation, nothing wrong with that either

    islam is a religion of ease but some muslims are like, 'she SHOULDN'T live with her in-laws..' or 'she MUST live with her in-laws..'

    situations differ, what may apply to you may not apply to others
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  24. #24
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    i think it depends on the people, some women who think they want to live with in laws before marriage then come across all sorts of problems they didnt think of, an feel a different way after marriage.

    it can work, and it can cause to many problems, one being if you are not in the habit at the beggining of marriage to spend time with wife in kitchen, living room etc and showing spontaneous affection, and the wife is not in habit of dressing up to please husband and beautifying herself, then 5 years later when they move out it is hard to start those habits, when at that point they are likely to have kids etc.

    i think it is a good part of culture, but we also have to remember that most countries in the world have larger houses then here, with more space. it would be unlikely that bedrooms would have so thin walls between houses/rooms any place else, and it is unlikely to be only one bathroom so the whole household knows every time you do ghusl.

    there are many good things about living with inlaws, it makes you part of the family in a way you wouldnt be otherwise, it can bring dil and family closer together but it could also drive them apart. depending on personalaties

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    in the uk you cant have more then one kid and 2 adults in one room, if the authorities know you have 2 kids and 2 adults in one room they will move you out and if you cant afford you will get housing benefit.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Don't know what country you're in, but in the UK you can be on average salary and be able to afford your own aparment and when I mean afford, I mean rent. Which is what most people do. Nobody buys houses now until they're at least in their 30s because it's so expenses, but most people don't live at home that long, they usually move out in their early 20s and rent.

    Recipes for all the family
    (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Why not?

    If you marry in to nice well settled and welathy family, you get everything given to you on a plate.

    Every little bit counts and if you have a ready made home to move into then go for it!

    You get your kids looked after as well!

    You intergrate in to the family and become part of it and you get to learn your husband preferences etc quite quickly as well.
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    In my case, I made a tradeoff with my wife who preferred to have sometime for us separately after marriage. As my parents are old, I have them live nearby to where I live and daily check on them while going to and coming from office whereas me and my wife live separately together with our son. So far this has worked well and also I am going to bring my parents to live with us early next year as we already have had our time together and our privacy for about 3 years or so and my parents need personal care in their old age. At the same time I offered my wife that she can bring her parents anytime she wishes. In fact they already have been with us for few months every year, but they are younger than my own parents.

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    The thing that I find really disturbing, however, is that Desi Muslim men see this as a "must" in their spouse - almost like she is obliged to move in with HIS parents wherever in the world HE lives. What about HER parents? Do they think her love is not as strong for her parents as is his? And what if she is the only child? Who will look after her parents!?? I would like Muslim men to show more appreciation for women who give up their entire life to be with them... and see this as a highly gracious act rather than one of duty.

    Sigh.

  29. #29
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lightindarkness View Post
    The thing that I find really disturbing, however, is that Desi Muslim men see this as a "must" in their spouse - almost like she is obliged to move in with HIS parents wherever in the world HE lives. What about HER parents? Do they think her love is not as strong for her parents as is his? And what if she is the only child? Who will look after her parents!?? I would like Muslim men to show more appreciation for women who give up their entire life to be with them... and see this as a highly gracious act rather than one of duty.

    Sigh.
    I totally agree with this.

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    I know what OP means, I also could never live with in laws in the same house. I think privacy is important, so i can feel free to do whatever i want in my house and dress how I want.

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    no *aisha*'s Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by She_Bittersweet View Post
    I know what OP means, I also could never live with in laws in the same house. I think privacy is important, so i can feel free to do whatever i want in my house and dress how I want.
    I know right imagine having to wear full hejab in the house all the time well not all the time but when brotherinlaw or fatherinlaw is around. I would probably just stay in my room.

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    ~**~**~**~**~**~ ze leetle elper's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    Marriage is between two people. Not to families. If you marry your spouse, you want to be alone together and have fun and get to know each oher. You don't want your parents around. I don't want my parent around when I'm with my friends, so why would I want them around most of the time when I'm with the person I'm married to?

    The whole thing is just suffocating. There was a BBC Article in which a lot of Asian educated women professionals did not want to live with their in laws, but had to comprise and do so in order to marry the man. To me, it all seems suffocating.
    I was being sarcastic, sorry that you did not get this! You are the one making up rules that he must be financially able to afford a seperate home, plus maintain his parents and wife in 2 seperate homes, plus all the other non-realistic stuff and still be abvle to marry while he is under 50 years old.

    My point was, you do not make conditions based on finance or status in regards to when or who you will marry. This shows you have total lack of faith in Allah and complete faith in your material items.
    What does 'freedom' mean?

    Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
    Restricted by the sky?

    Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
    Not enough river to explore?

    Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
    but death for the fish,

    The sea is wide for the fish
    but will engulf the bird.

    We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
    We can only express our nature as it was created.

    The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
    freedom from slavery to other than the One,
    Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
    and a horizon that extends to the next life,

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    ~**~**~**~**~**~ ze leetle elper's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Also in regards to affection ebtween couples...like someone said above, your marriage is not a constant honeymoon, I am sure because you are not married you feel this way but even if you had yoru own place you wouldn't be constantly down each others necks just because you have the space to do so. And your in laws and not constantly breathing down your necks either, if you want to be romantic then go in a dooferent room, big deal! I am sure the couple can control themselves to this minimum extent!
    What does 'freedom' mean?

    Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
    Restricted by the sky?

    Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
    Not enough river to explore?

    Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
    but death for the fish,

    The sea is wide for the fish
    but will engulf the bird.

    We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
    We can only express our nature as it was created.

    The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
    freedom from slavery to other than the One,
    Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
    and a horizon that extends to the next life,

  34. #34
    ~**~**~**~**~**~ ze leetle elper's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mohammed.F View Post
    I'm not telling you am I? Did I say it should be banned? I just said it was weird and explained why.
    Please be careful, you brought up the topic, expect people not to disagree. Don't start being rude or mouthy about it. YOu said it was weird and explained why, and others are telling you why it is not weird and explainign why. No need to quote every single post and try to turn it around. You have your opinion, and they theirs!
    What does 'freedom' mean?

    Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
    Restricted by the sky?

    Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
    Not enough river to explore?

    Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
    but death for the fish,

    The sea is wide for the fish
    but will engulf the bird.

    We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
    We can only express our nature as it was created.

    The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
    freedom from slavery to other than the One,
    Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
    and a horizon that extends to the next life,

  35. #35
    pariah *asiya*'s Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Vishnu View Post
    In my case, I made a tradeoff with my wife who preferred to have sometime for us separately after marriage. As my parents are old, I have them live nearby to where I live and daily check on them while going to and coming from office whereas me and my wife live separately together with our son. So far this has worked well and also I am going to bring my parents to live with us early next year as we already have had our time together and our privacy for about 3 years or so and my parents need personal care in their old age. At the same time I offered my wife that she can bring her parents anytime she wishes. In fact they already have been with us for few months every year, but they are younger than my own parents.
    masha Allah, this is something i find very interesting that many hindus left this cultural behaviour behind and still find ways to support their parents in their old age, and yet so many muslims are holding onto something that initially was from indian culture.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lightindarkness View Post
    The thing that I find really disturbing, however, is that Desi Muslim men see this as a "must" in their spouse - almost like she is obliged to move in with HIS parents wherever in the world HE lives. What about HER parents? Do they think her love is not as strong for her parents as is his? And what if she is the only child? Who will look after her parents!?? I would like Muslim men to show more appreciation for women who give up their entire life to be with them... and see this as a highly gracious act rather than one of duty.

    Sigh.
    good point

    Quote Originally Posted by She_Bittersweet View Post
    I know what OP means, I also could never live with in laws in the same house. I think privacy is important, so i can feel free to do whatever i want in my house and dress how I want.
    exactly. and not forgetting the statement of RasoolAllah the brother in law is death. and the scolars of hadith say this means, the death of her iman, audu billah. so hugely important that women are not expected to reside with brother in laws, even having your own room wont suffice when non mahram men are in the house.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


  36. #36
    Its fine, take a 38mm noobz's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by *Aisha View Post
    I know right imagine having to wear full hejab in the house all the time well not all the time but when brotherinlaw or fatherinlaw is around. I would probably just stay in my room.
    human beings are social species ... sooner or later u will come out of the 'room' for some fresh air.




  37. #37
    Odan Juvegirl's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by *Aisha View Post
    I know right imagine having to wear full hejab in the house all the time well not all the time but when brotherinlaw or fatherinlaw is around. I would probably just stay in my room.
    As salaamualeikum sis, but your father-in-law is your mehram. You can never marry your husband's father. You have to dress modestly still, but not in hijab.

    Brother-in-law is different though - hijab for him.

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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    Quote Originally Posted by noobz View Post
    human beings are social species ... sooner or later u will come out of the 'room' for some fresh air.
    or go to the loo or eat, or wash your clothes or milk the cat or feed the dog or or or or................................................ .................................................. ..............

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    ~**~**~**~**~**~ ze leetle elper's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    TBH I think the entire 'living with in laws' is completely exagerrated. I'm not sure what peoples expereinces are but from my experience, living with your in laws does not equal to:

    having no private time of your own due to living on top on one anothers heads
    having no possible moments or areas to be 'affectionate' because your in laws are always in your face
    being forced to eat, cook, socialise together and no seperate time
    having to see/ sit/ speak to any BIL's in the house just because you share the same roof
    having to walk around completely covered 24/7
    all the other exagerrated things being mentioned here!

    In all honesty, sometimes there is a huge emptiness of any relationship or love between the DIL/ in laws BECAUSE they don't spend any quality time together/ socialise at all (this would be more likely to happen living seperate).

    End of the day, no you don't marry your in laws but this does not translate to you do not have any relationship with them or treat them with love and respect like you would any elder.

    As long as both in laws and DIL know their rights and are free to compromise on household issues, I see no problem with living with in laws after marriage, even if as a step until they couple get their own place (or in some cases, happily living together forver!) It is helpful to get an insight into where and how your husband was raised, what his likes/ dislikes are/ what his preferences are in regards to food/ other daily things etc etc. Even moreso if the 2 are from different backgrounds. It helps to understand him better and serve him better!

    I think people can go on all they want about living seperate is better etc etc...but not everyone can afford 2 seperate homes, one for his wife and one for his parents, nor can he afford them to be closeby one another, nor may SHE want to live seperate as she has privacy and all the other things she would want in a shared home as she would in her own home.

    IF you have no BIL living with you then what issues of privacy would there be? If you want to live seperate, then do so. If yuou want to live otgether, then happy days! But there isn't a need to stamp, trod and kick the other opinion just because it does not agree with you!
    What does 'freedom' mean?

    Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
    Restricted by the sky?

    Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
    Not enough river to explore?

    Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
    but death for the fish,

    The sea is wide for the fish
    but will engulf the bird.

    We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
    We can only express our nature as it was created.

    The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
    freedom from slavery to other than the One,
    Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
    and a horizon that extends to the next life,

  40. #40
    Odan Juvegirl's Avatar
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    Re: Moving in with the In Laws, why do women agree to this?

    When my husband and I were planning on getting married, he mentioned that he wanted his mother to live with us. I firmly said no. I am a western woman and at the time of that discussion was a non-Muslim. Also, at that point, I hadn't yet met her as she was in another country.

    Now I beg her to move in with us.

    Mind you, I think only God Himself could get me to accept MY mother living with us...but that's a whole other thread. May Allah swt guide her to Islam, Ameen.

    ----------

    It depends on how the people interact with one another and how big the home is. I think in some cultures, they're used to having huge homes in "their" country, so moving in with the parents seems natural. There is lots of privacy in that case. However once they come to the west, they have to live in much smaller homes, and there is a lot less privacy, so it becomes far more difficult to live together. But the people involved don't always consider that.

    In our case, my MIL is fantastic. She's fun and funny. She's respectful of our married relationship. She advises me in a positive way how to manage my husband and my home. And because she is so kind and decent in the way she does it, I don't take offense, even though I've been managing a home since I was 14 years old and am now 32(i.e., I know what I'm doing, but you can always learn something new). We enjoy her company. She is outgoing and independent, so there would be time to be alone, sometimes. But as a married person, let me tell you, "alone time" isn't needed every day, and while you may inshallah remain passionate and affectionate with your spouse, the "craziness" wears off sooner than you may think

    For us, having her with us would be a huge benefit, not financially, since she is recently arrived in my country and a widow, but emotionally. The problem is, her other 3 kids all want her to stay with them too! So we have to fight for her time. If we have a baby first, we might be able to convince her to move in with us permanently to 'help' with the baby (please make a dua' for us).

    Basically brother, no one should be forced into this situation long-term. But different strokes for different folks.


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