I am new on this site so please let me know if i do anything wrong
I was raised an atheist; my parents are both atheists. I converted about 8 months ago to Islam. I am now 26 and I'm planning on getting married soon Inshallah.
Before anyone calls me a "s!ut" or "wh0re" read the whole text!
But there's one thing that haunts me everyday. When I was 11, I was gang raped by a group of football players. It devastated me. What was the point of being a good girl if this is what I get? It turned my life upside down. From then on everything about my teenage life has been promiscuous. Just the day after I turned 18, I joined the pornography industry. My parents obviously disowned me but I still went ahead with it. I starred in porn movies till I was 25, when I got raped again. It all ended there and I just wanted to get back into the real world, put an end to drugs and everything else. So I begged my parents to forgive me and let me have another chance. So they took me back and I started to look for a way for peace of mind and a new beginning. SO I started studying various religions and about 4 months later I converted to Islam. My parents were furious so they disowned me all over again. I don't have a job or anything at all now and I live in an apartment with two other muslim women from Bangladesh. The money that I live on is what I earned in all those years of porn. But now I want to get married and actually be a mother and live a happy life but I'm petrified that if a man finds out he'll never speak to me again. I haven't committed zina even once in the last 8 months, and I promise I would be a good wife and a great mother. I don't flirt or sleep with men anymore; I wear a hijab and I've given up drinking. I pray everyday, 5 times a day. But yesterday the thought of marrying made me cry all night. I thought I would never get a good decent man
I spoke to my two roommates over this and they told me to keep it a secret but it petrifies me if somehow he ever accidentally sees a porn video of me or if anyone in his family of friend circle recognise me from a porno. I am fully capable of living with one man for the rest of my life. I promise, but if I don't ever get a good muslim man, should i accept it as my eternal punishment? Please don't call me names or anything, please. I've really changed