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  1. #1
    CelibateMimi
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    Marriage-- Waste of life!

    Asalaamalaikom Sisters and Brothers,

    I'm a Muslimah (just under 30), and I've given the marriage thing a shot--this is what I've learned:

    1) Begging your parents to help you get married gains the response of: "Inshallah Allah SWT will send you someone, there's nothing we can do." And then they sit on the couch and watch you age as your friends get married and have children.

    2) Men ... They will try anything and everything with any kaffir, or Muslimah willing to let her guard down--and then leave. Probably to go back home and marry some stupid girl who couldn't see through them. This is not a broad judgement. Out of ALL the Muslim men in our community in my age group..this is nearly 90% of them. The good Muslim men are far and few..and too young/disinterested in marriage.

    3) If you find someone the way your parents expect (through your friends, university, work, or life) that person will either:
    a) be a lying son of a gun, and deceive you until the last minute before the marriage is signed. [If you're smart, God will save you like he saved me Alhumdolilah..]
    b) not be anything that you need, want, or desire from a partner.


    So this leads to my question...

    I have tried. Wallahi I have tried to get married. I've done everything bar putting myself on a marriage site (which my mother and father completely frown upon and would feel more ashamed by than me not ever getting married)..In fact, I was almost married this year until I discovered my soon-to-be-husband was lying to me about everything. I mean EVERYTHING--like a pathological liar--I advised him to seek help. For once, I thought things were going to work out--that my patience had paid off. But apparently not. My friends, all Muslimahs, are getting married and having children despite committing sins before marriage (with their fiancees and/or with boyfriends during highschool. Yes, everything from kissing to zina.) and are now enjoying lives filled with love and happiness.

    But who am I to judge? Apparently good things do NOT come to those who wait.

    SO. I would like to pledge myself to celibacy. .....

    The question is: When it's said that we are prettymuch ordered to get married---is there a safety net? Is it a commandment like "Get married the second you find a man who isn't a serial rapist and who claims to be Muslim, and that's good enough." or is it justifiable for me to say I will not marry unless I meet someone who is truly what I need and want, intellectually and religiously?

    Because I would be quite happy never to marry. I don't have any interest in children, and if it wasn't for purely physical desires and freedom from my parents' watch I would have NO problem saying that marriage would never cross my mind. I have recognized that I will never be loved or appreciated the way I need..and that a husband will only dampen my human potential for love, money, and helping the universe in whatever way I can. I'm strong and independent, goal oriented..and I don't need a man for anything. And before you jump at me: it's not because I'm ugly, either. I've been told that I am beautiful and very friendly.

    I can spend the rest of my life working and volunteering with children, families, animals, and conservationists. I have so much art within me that I can't wait to release.

    Is it truly a sin that I accept my singleness as a gift? That I realize by NOT giving me a loving partner with whom I can share my life in the way I had dreamed of since teenage years--Allah SWT has let me give my love to the universe in entirety. I can love everyone I meet in the most selfless way. I can give and give and give..and never run out. Because romantic love is selfish love. You become focused on one person, and want their whole focus on you. This way.. I'm free...

    Please tell me if I HAVE to get married just to "be" married..

    Thanks
    Last edited by Grotbags; 20-04-11 at 06:11 PM. Reason: name-calling and generalising

  2. #2
    2G-40
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    Wa Alaikum Salaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatahu Sister,

    As far as I'm aware it's not a sin to not get married. Marriage is a highly recommended Sunnah. However it seems to me you actually do want to get married. Perhaps your disenchantment has made you think otherwise. Although posting here, if anything seems to be a cry for help. Without any experience of actually being married you can't possibly come to the conclusion that marriage is a "waste of life." Even if you did, it would only be deductive reasoning from your own personal experience. It is not the fault of marriage. Unfortunately you, like I'm sure many others, are finding it difficult to find a suitable spouse. I myself have missed out twice on getting married, because to put it bluntly my parents can't stand the sight of me. They refuse to help me. Which in turn means my proposal to any sister holds little weight. I'm simply not taken seriously. I'm now 27, and live 100s of miles away from my parents.

    Human beings are social creators, it's unhealthy for you to not be in a loving relationship. Lets forget the sex, what about the intimate friendship, the companionship, the support, the love. You might well be the most independent person on earth, but that doesn't mean you can deny your own humanity. We simply cannot exists on our own. It's just not the way we were made.

    However I do find it strange when people have a one dimensional view in life about marriage. It's as if marriage is all they are. Marriage is not what makes you a good/bad person. Far from it, it's you who makes your marriage what it is. I personally believe an independent mind is an enduring character in a woman. I mean what person wants to marry someone whose indifferent, and has little substance to her. It's one thing being a submissive, and it's quite another just simply being stupid.

    I'm sorry, I seem to have gone on a rant. In any-case I wish you well, and pray Allaah (swT) blesses you with a husband who makes you happy.

    Ma'aSalaama

  3. #3
    anon730
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    First of all are you a religious sister? You seem to have no trust in Allah swt.

    There is a saying that....

    "if you put all your trust in Allah swt blindly he will handle all of your affairs for you [i believe this is hadith] and if you have the slightest bit of worry he will handle it for you and surely you will fail"

    It seems that you are mad at Allah swt...why don't you focus on being religious and trusting Allah swt to get married rather than being mad at life? Whenever you do not trust Allah you will not succeed in this life...Yes people may had it the easy way but who knows maybe allah wants you to come to him by means of piety and devotion.

  4. #4
    me..
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    Don't fret inshAllah.

    I don't think you should write off marriage completely....and you should realise that spending all your energy in trying to get married won't necessarily get you married. The best thing to do is tell others that you are looking for a spouse, like aunties, uncles, and friends.....and just leave it there..when Allah wills it will happen. If he doesn't it won't. But you need to stop worrying about it, just let it go. It's hard being single, but jst have the attitude that Allah has planned something good for you. In time you will see and make lots of dua. Leave off complaining to others and only complain to Allah about your predicament. He will make it easy for you inshAllah and grant you whatever is best for you.

    There is a lot of truth in your post though, unfortunately there are not many good men out there. You should be grateful you are not stuck in a relationship where you have to suffer like many women do and the fact is that the love that we read about in fairytales doesn't exist 99% of the time in this world. Marriage is more about mercy than love. Everyone has their own test, married women don't necessarily have it easy.

  5. #5
    eventually
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    wa-alykum-salaam!

    Like everything else halal, we, humans abuse what is given to us. Thus, what is ordained as sunnah, sometimes wajib and recommended due to various situations and reasons could never be a waste of life. I am not qualified to respond to your post in the entirety but if you think you may be unhappy with someone who is not your ideal spouse and you would be more happy alone then that is entirely up to you. Nothing anyone says here can change your mind. This might be obvious but nevertheless, keep asking Allah to guide you. May Allah bless and protect you in everything good that you chose to do and may He make your parents more favourable in terms of finding you a suitable spouse. Ameen.

    Also, just to comment on another point, one may be in a relationship as marriage and still have selfless love for others. This view that marriage is for surrendering your love to one person only is false. It is narrated that Zaynab bint Jahsh, wife of the prophet (p.b.u.h) was very generous to the poor, another wife, Aisha was teacher and a famous woman scholar of Islam...and narrated many hadith, and the others had their own unique and very valuable qualities. (May Allah be pleased with them all, and inspire us to be like them or close to their status. Ameen) I know women who are actively engaged in helping others, caring and sacrificing for their children whilst being married!

    “Nay, seek (Allah’s) help with patient perseverance and prayer: It is indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit, Who bear in mind the certainty that they are to meet their Lord, and that they are to return to Him. ” [Quran 2:45-46]

  6. #6
    شهيد إن شاء الله
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    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    lol men are pigs eh. i guess that makes women pigs too, since they use men just about the same?

    a "muslimah" who let her guard down isint as innocent as ude imagine.


    anyways inshallah you find a good husband who aint a pig.
    And the (faithful) slaves of the Most Gracious (Allâh) are those who walk on the earth in humility and sedateness, and when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness. (25:63)

    O You who believe! Shall I guide you to a trade that will save you from a painful torment? (10) That you believe in Allâh and His Messenger (Muhammad SAW),and that you strive hard and fight in the Cause of Allâh with your wealth and your lives, that will be better for you, if you but know! (11) (If you do so) He will forgive you your sins, and admit you into Gardens under which rivers flow, and pleasant dwellings in Adn (Edn) Paradise; that is indeed the great success. (12)

    JazakAllah khair for the duas but i would prefer duas for shahadah instead.

    sponsor an orphan

  7. #7
    umm sumaiya naila-k's Avatar
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    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    or is it justifiable for me to say I will not marry unless I meet someone who is truly what I need and want, intellectually and religiously?
    yes f course!! it seems you havent iven up on marriae but you are just waitin for the riht man who is what you want in a husband, inshallah you will find him, and until then you seem to realise that marriae is not the be all and end all, but you can have a fulfilled life bein sinle instead of pinin for your kniht in shinin armour to come and whisk you away. sometimes thins happen when you least expect it, so just et on with your life and make dua. and dont drop your standards.

    also you could try pmin the mods with your details to be put in the private forums.

    Recipes for all the family
    (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

  8. #8
    islam4u5
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    Apart from being a bit colorful with your choice of words that men are pigs I understand what you must be going through. It's a catch 22 situation.

    Men commit zina and yet they go on to lead happy lives after getting married, whilst pious Men who try and seek a halal relationship are left on the bench.

    Unfortunately this is because society is getting more and more degraded and is being established as the norm and there are few options for Muslims to find a halal way to get married.

    Where you have liked minded Muslims who wish to get married through marriage services, you find that they charge an arm and a leg is subscription fees to exploit this market.

    It's a hard one this as I don't know practically what you can do.

  9. #9
    IHEARYA
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    Assalamu Aleikom

    First, I want to applaud you for reaching out and writing your thoughts and feelings down. It sometimes helps us when we do this--sorta like a release valve. We feel that at least someone has heard our cries and this validates us to some degree. In fact, I know that many times writing out our feelings of sadness, anger, and so on, can actually be a step closer to healing. So inshaAllah getting this off your chest has helped you.

    Second, I want so bad to disagree with you on so many points, unfortunately, my experience--which is similar to yours--doesn't allow me to be open minded enough to counter-argue any points. With this said, I will try to add to your post by asking our Brothers and Sisters to see what is happening between the lines.

    The Ummah today is a mess! We have Brothers and Sisters acting no different than any non-muslim and when something as important as marriage is at stake, how can we be truly comfortable knowing all this? Sure we must always put our trust in Allah swt, but we must also take responsibility for things ourselves.

    What is happening with our Brothers and Sisters today is so sad. I cannot tell you how many Brothers I have met or come to know of here in the US that are from a different country that come to "play" and then end up leaving their "playmate" to go back home and ruin some innocent girl's life. Of course you can argue against that...but to me, it is nothing but pure blatant disrespect for your future wife. She has been keeping herself chaste, waiting and dreaming of the day she will marry. Her and her family are all excited because she will marry someone who lives abroad and is getting a good education. All the notes on paper sound great. But in reality, she is getting nothing more than used, tainted, goods. A brother who slept around and could quite possibly be carrying some std that he is unaware of. He has tainted himself and of course would never tell his new chaste innocent bride this? Oh no way, he would disgrace his family. This happens so often that the mere thought of the numbers are sickening.

    And I will not leave the sisters out here. It goes both ways. She has relationships, sleeps with and everything else under the sun with "boyfriends" and when it comes time to marry, her family advertise her qualities as if some lucky guy and his family will get a prize. HA! What a lemon that poor Brother will be getting. A woman who had illicit relationships prior to him.

    Memories and our actions stay with us all our lives. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. I believe that these brothers and sisters will eventually come to reap what have sewn.

    I think that this post is a perfect example of all of this. Of what has happened to this Ummah, to the youth(and even older) of today. Women and Men are being put off by marriage. How can we trust that the person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with are worthy of our most precious qualities... Of our love? The Ummah today have learned how to be cunning, manipulative, and dishonest. It is rare to find someone who does not possess these qualities. This is the sad part.

    So when I see post like this, and I think of my very own experience, I cannot help but relate and shake my head. My heart goes out to all the innocent Brothers and Sisters who will be taken for a ride by a banged up, scratched up, lemon that has been re-painted and advertised as "brand new"

    Allah swt is Oft-Forgiving...mashaAllah...alhamdulilah for us. And yes, sometimes people make mistakes and should be forgiven by us mere mortals. BUT...when Brothers and Sisters deliberately and continually allow themselves to act no different than non muslims going around exploited themselves, lying, cheating, and manipulating innocent people knowing all to well that the day will come for to "settle down" ...well, in my opinion that is just a disgusting lack of respect and love for another Muslim. How can you people who do these things, who do not save yourself for marriage, so blatantly--and without any shame on you--marry and innocent Brother or Sister? I am speechless at this. I truly am.

    May Allah swt guide this Ummah back to the straight path. May He swt remove such ill-feelings in me and the rest of us who have been taken for a ride in these clunkers and May He swt bless the good, pious, Brothers and Sisters with equally good and pious spouses so that they do not have to live their lives with such atrocious and dispicable acts having been done by the very ones they will spend the rest of their lives in this dunya with Ameen

    Before I go...if you are from a "back-home-country"(don't want to single out a specific one that I know has many many brothers that fall into the above category) and you are a woman whose family is looking to get you engaged with a Brother--family member or not--who studies and works abroad...PLEASE, by all means, have the courage to SPEAK UP and ask your brothers, your fathers, your uncles and so on, to do some background checks. Do not accept so willingly what his family and friends say about him without you and your family making sure. Most often the families of these brothers have no idea that their precious beta has been having a gori girlfriend the entire time he was in university--or many gf's--or even in SOME cases, married already to a gori. Or has children. Or illegitimate children. If you have saved yourself for the man you will marry. If you have followed the commands of Allah swt, then make sure, very sure, that you will marry a man who has done the same--YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS!!!!! Men too...YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS. I believe it is soooooo wrong for a Brother or Sister who is no longer a virgin to marry one without their potential knowing. It is deceitful. If you don't want to reveal such a thing--THEN DO NOT DO IT TO BEGIN WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really is that simple.

  10. 20-04-11, 04:30 PM

    Reason
    OP post edited

  11. #10
    Unregiedanon
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    It only seems that the men are only the bad ones because the society lets them behave this way and stupid sisters go and marry men who are like that. Likewise for the bros...

    I think that its easier for a man to contemplate giving up on marriage than it is for a woman because women are ready at a very early age and want to get married because we do not need to support a family at an early age whereas the men have to accept the huge load of responsiblity to provide and maintain a household. Many of them look for the easy way out and go commit zina and not interested in marriage because they dont want to deal with such responsiblity.

    since women are usually looking for a partner more than a man, who usually starts looking after the age of 23 or so..we get frustrated since weve been active in wanting to get married since 17 or 18..

  12. #11
    awe
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    if ur parents are stopping you unjustfully, try speaking to a good shiekh. dont just sit there, go speak to someone

    all the best

  13. #12
    YABC
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    Of course you don't have to marry the first person who asks for your hand in marriage. You have a right to refuse anyone who is not suitable. I think it's better to be single than to marry someone who is unsuitable. Rushing into marriage so that you can be like your married friends is not the right way to go. You have to pray istikhara and trust in Allah before you decide to marry someone. Some people get married in their teens, some in their 20s, 30s or 40s. You don't know when it's good for you to get married. There are some people who never get married but if someone dies a virgin they die as a shaheed and what is better than that? Never lose hope. When you are patient your situation is always win-win. There is no loss.

  14. #13
    CelibateMimi
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    Quote Originally Posted by IHEARYA View Post
    The Ummah today is a mess! We have Brothers and Sisters acting no different than any non-muslim and when something as important as marriage is at stake, how can we be truly comfortable knowing all this? Sure we must always put our trust in Allah swt, but we must also take responsibility for things ourselves.
    Everything you said was gold! I love the "lemons" bit haha, that's the truth! And I never meant to leave women out of the argument, this wasn't a comparative thread, it was me voicing my anger and frustration.

    2G-40, you are very astute to say what you have said. Thank you. Maybe I was a little fiery when I was writing this, because the truth is: at the end of the day, I'm human. I need and want love just like anyone else..and in moments of weakness it becomes very apparent. During the day I can block it out, go about my business and not think about it. But when I'm home at the end of the day, or I see people in love, it's like...it's like a worsening hunger while you watch others eat.

    Ya rab...I don't know what I'll do. I feel like every day I'm just watching myself pass my prime. I really mean it when I say that I DON'T have a network of families and friends (aunties and so on) to tell of my difficulties. I have asked everyone possible..and I'm very skeptical that I will ever meet a man who is what I need him to be.. religiously, socially. And when I see slimy brothers lying to sisters, and the falling out that results...I have more and more trouble trusting that there is any goodness in the world..

    Allahu 3lam.

  15. 21-04-11, 05:02 PM

    Reason
    stay on topic please

  16. 03-11-12, 02:16 PM


  17. #14
    sis11
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    I agree with most of what you have said. If it's not happening then there's no need to write off, but think about it less and leave it in the background. If someone who fits your criteria pops up when you are 35 or 55, then you can deal with it then. But to waste away your life obsessing over marriage doesn't seem like a good idea.

  18. #15
    itsokay
    Guests

    Re: Marriage-- Waste of life!

    @ihearya: That line of thinking is a load of nonsense. '2nd hand' 'Used up' etc.... if we go by your analogy then your value has greatly declined since your mother handed you back to the nurse when you were born.

    we are talking about people and complex lives. It is crude and tries to diminish what makes us human - our experiences, our paths, our choices etc... experience especially as one gets older is sought.


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