Asalaamalaikom Sisters and Brothers,
I'm a Muslimah (just under 30), and I've given the marriage thing a shot--this is what I've learned:
1) Begging your parents to help you get married gains the response of: "Inshallah Allah SWT will send you someone, there's nothing we can do." And then they sit on the couch and watch you age as your friends get married and have children.
2) Men ... They will try anything and everything with any kaffir, or Muslimah willing to let her guard down--and then leave. Probably to go back home and marry some stupid girl who couldn't see through them. This is not a broad judgement. Out of ALL the Muslim men in our community in my age group..this is nearly 90% of them. The good Muslim men are far and few..and too young/disinterested in marriage.
3) If you find someone the way your parents expect (through your friends, university, work, or life) that person will either:
a) be a lying son of a gun, and deceive you until the last minute before the marriage is signed. [If you're smart, God will save you like he saved me Alhumdolilah..]
b) not be anything that you need, want, or desire from a partner.
So this leads to my question...
I have tried. Wallahi I have tried to get married. I've done everything bar putting myself on a marriage site (which my mother and father completely frown upon and would feel more ashamed by than me not ever getting married)..In fact, I was almost married this year until I discovered my soon-to-be-husband was lying to me about everything. I mean EVERYTHING--like a pathological liar--I advised him to seek help. For once, I thought things were going to work out--that my patience had paid off. But apparently not. My friends, all Muslimahs, are getting married and having children despite committing sins before marriage (with their fiancees and/or with boyfriends during highschool. Yes, everything from kissing to zina.) and are now enjoying lives filled with love and happiness.
But who am I to judge? Apparently good things do NOT come to those who wait.
SO. I would like to pledge myself to celibacy. .....
The question is: When it's said that we are prettymuch ordered to get married---is there a safety net? Is it a commandment like "Get married the second you find a man who isn't a serial rapist and who claims to be Muslim, and that's good enough." or is it justifiable for me to say I will not marry unless I meet someone who is truly what I need and want, intellectually and religiously?
Because I would be quite happy never to marry. I don't have any interest in children, and if it wasn't for purely physical desires and freedom from my parents' watch I would have NO problem saying that marriage would never cross my mind. I have recognized that I will never be loved or appreciated the way I need..and that a husband will only dampen my human potential for love, money, and helping the universe in whatever way I can. I'm strong and independent, goal oriented..and I don't need a man for anything. And before you jump at me: it's not because I'm ugly, either. I've been told that I am beautiful and very friendly.
I can spend the rest of my life working and volunteering with children, families, animals, and conservationists. I have so much art within me that I can't wait to release.
Is it truly a sin that I accept my singleness as a gift? That I realize by NOT giving me a loving partner with whom I can share my life in the way I had dreamed of since teenage years--Allah SWT has let me give my love to the universe in entirety. I can love everyone I meet in the most selfless way. I can give and give and give..and never run out. Because romantic love is selfish love. You become focused on one person, and want their whole focus on you. This way.. I'm free...
Please tell me if I HAVE to get married just to "be" married..