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  1. #1
    Odan
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    Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    :salaams

    I'd like to know your general thoughts and opinions on this.

    Can siblings discipline younger siblings successfully or is it only successful coming from parenTs?

    Pesronally after a few attempts myself I have come to the conclusion that it is the parents who can most successfully discipline siblings/children. If a sibling tries but the younger sibling goes off on a tantrum and ends up running to their parents who at the time might not be iin the "disciplining" mood end up being soft on the child it's no result for the sibling attempting.

    So I say parents are in the biggest position to discipline children unless they are in agreement with the sibling disciplining them!

  2. #2
    ~ Allahu Akbar ~ dhak1yya's Avatar
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    firstly I think unless the older siblings are in their late teens, and the ones they are disciplining are very young, say 7 and under, then I think it's wrong to give siblings that kind of responsibility (for their own sake). Being responsible for a child's behaviour is a very big deal, by giving the power of discipline to someone other than the parents, you are making them responsible for your child's behaviour. this is fine for professionals (teachers, nursery nurses, childminders etc) and for adults in the family (aunties, uncles, grandparents) IF the adults agree, but it's too much to put onto an older sibiling unless, as I said, there's a very big age gap such that the older sibling is more like an extra parent.

    I've seen families where an older sibling is responsible for the behaviour of a younger one when there are not enough years between them for them to be comfortable in the role - in one case it was a 13yr old sister in charge of an 8yr old brother for most of the day each day and the little brother manipulated the big sister into letting him do everything, threatening to tell their parents (i.e. lie) that she was being mean if she didn't let him do/have stuff he wasn't supposed to, such that it was impossible for her to give any discipline or have any control and she was the one held responsible for his bad behaviour. it was really a horrible situation...... and it can go the other way too, where the older sibling abuses their power and the younger one gets it in the neck all the time.

    unless they naturally fall into the role of older sibling being like an extra parent due to a large age/maturity gap, AND the younger sibling respecting their authority AND the older sibling is able to use discipline correctly (e.g. supernanny naughty step kind of stuff) AND the older sibling is mature enough to not abuse the power.... then it can work. Otherwise it's going to be a recipe for disaster, including damaging the relationship between the two siblings in question.

    That said, parents should encourage older sibilings who are not so much older to advise, support, encourage, set a good example etc to younger siblings, there's many things they can do like helping with homework, playing games, teaching, reading books together etc, but the actual responsibility for the younger child's behaviour (or actually, both siblings behaviour), which includes discipline, must still rest in the hands of an adult in the family (or old/mature enough sibling). MashaAllah, my two daughters, one aged 4 the other 8 months, and the older one sometimes "reads" to the younger one, by telling her about pictures in a book. But I'm still there keeping an eye out for them.
    Last edited by dhak1yya; 27-10-10 at 09:03 PM.





  3. #3
    Spending the days indoors LailaTheMuslim's Avatar
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    abuse of power by the older sibling can happen
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  4. #4
    ~ Allahu Akbar ~ dhak1yya's Avatar
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    also just to add, in the case where the older one is old and mature enough, and the younger one is young enough, you are right that the parents must support the older sibling in doing the disciplining, same as parents must support each other, i.e. all using the same techniques and rules so there is consistency in the family. in this case it can work. but it's something where you have to have a lot of things right before it can work (like old enough, big enough age gap, mature enough, confident enough, knows how to do the techniques correctly etc)





  5. #5
    *bıɟɐɹɯıɯɐʇpɐʎızɯɯn* .: Anna :.'s Avatar
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    its the role of the parents, i dont think i would be happy for my children to put themselves in that role as in a way i don't feel it is their "place" to do so?
    as dhakiyya said its dif if there is a v big age gap or something. for eg if you have a teenage child and a baby so that ur older one is older and capable to be in charge of the younger for some time, in a caring capacity - babysitting, take them out alone or whatever then yes clearly they need to have the right and responsibility of disiplinging that child who is in their care, although ultimate responsibility still remains with parents but like anyone who minded my children i would expect them to disapline on a basic level keep them under control, dont allow bad behaviour, keep boundaries etc, but a normal sibling relationship of smaller age gaps then no - disapline not appropriate imo, they are all children not for one to think themself "above" the other in terms of being incharge and disaplining. and also if there is a bigger age gap but parents are present then its not appropriate for siblings to step in and get involved (unless asked to do so) as it can undermines the parents authority in a way? i do think older siblings need to remember that they are not the parent, if they begin questioning their parents methods etc i find that a bit disrespectful
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  6. #6
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    I'm not a parent by any means. But I think as long as they're old enough and I don't mean necessarily in terms of age gap and they're 'emphasizing' the parents' disciplining techniques, it's alright?

    For my family in particular, I find that as siblings we all do have a say in handling situations with our younger siblings. More often than not, my parents my defer it to us only because they know we might be a little closer and the sibling might be more willing to listen. Granted, this was NOT the way it used to be when we were kids...I'm talking in the last few years where the youngest 2 were 14yrs+.

    I think kids do listen from other older siblings after a certain age (say teens-ish). Especially, if the problem is approached in the right way...the kid maybe more willing to take it from an older sibling who they feel can see their way. When my younger brother, the youngest in our family and has always been treated as such turn about 14-15 ish, he became a bit of a nightmare to handle. Everything turned in a huge problem, and he'd huff, puff, slam doors and leave the house over everything and anything. It seemed that somewhere along the line, I was the only one capable of getting him to be normal without a shouting match. He has for the last couple of years been much more willing to listen to me than my own parents. And even if I did tell him off, he didn't react as rudely as he used to with my mother in particular. Now, he's nearly 18 and has gone back to his sweet self...but to this day, my mom will tell me to speak to him about anything that comes up (more often than not school work) as he listens to me.

    My sister has the same effect on my other sister that's younger than her (the boy's twin).

    After a certain age, it works. I think as a result, we're all a lot closer too.
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  7. #7
    Odan
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    Oh of course i wasn't referring to young children discipling their younger siblings. Obviously it wouldn't be right (they're growing up themselves) but i was referring to the more older/mature lot.

    BUt i see the key as being it's got to be consistent like with the parents and siblings (same rules of discipline) if you see what i mean.

    Anna- of course not disrespecting or criticising the parents' techniques

  8. #8
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    Parents definitely, but if its just the older kids maintaining the rules already set by parents thats fine.
    "And We will remove whatever is in their breasts of resentment, [so they will be] brothers, on thrones facing each other."
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  9. #9
    ~ Allahu Akbar ~ dhak1yya's Avatar
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    mizfissy - i wouldn't describe that as discipline, more like advising or mentoring. I agree teenagers often take advice/mentoring from older teenagers more readily than from parents for all the reasons you said. But if it came to a teenager actually being disciplined/punished (e.g. grounded, allowance stopped etc) then it would and should come from a parent.





  10. #10
    *bıɟɐɹɯıɯɐʇpɐʎızɯɯn* .: Anna :.'s Avatar
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    Quote Originally Posted by dhakiyya View Post
    mizfissy - i wouldn't describe that as discipline, more like advising or mentoring. I agree teenagers often take advice/mentoring from older teenagers more readily than from parents for all the reasons you said. But if it came to a teenager actually being disciplined/punished (e.g. grounded, allowance stopped etc) then it would and should come from a parent.
    yeh i agree, i think that is different & i agree thats good
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  11. #11

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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    younger kids should listen to their elder siblings , i think its important it's how i was raised .

  12. #12
    Odan MG's Avatar
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    Quote Originally Posted by 1MuslimByChoice View Post
    :salaams

    I'd like to know your general thoughts and opinions on this.

    Can siblings discipline younger siblings successfully or is it only successful coming from parenTs?

    Pesronally after a few attempts myself I have come to the conclusion that it is the parents who can most successfully discipline siblings/children. If a sibling tries but the younger sibling goes off on a tantrum and ends up running to their parents who at the time might not be iin the "disciplining" mood end up being soft on the child it's no result for the sibling attempting.

    So I say parents are in the biggest position to discipline children unless they are in agreement with the sibling disciplining them!
    Ws, i think to a certain extent - dependant on the type of family you are - older siblings can discipline the younger one but making it a permanent thing, where the older sibling is either forced or through their own choice starts playing the parents role,it hardly ever works because the younger sibling will alot of the time think "you aren't my mum/dad!" and then tha'ts it, your stuck, because they are right, you are not their parent and they do not have to really listen to you. Whether the parents are in agreement with the older sibling taking over their responsibilities (i cant see why they would want to) is neither here nor there imo.
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  13. #13
    Alisha Mohammed Islam Attiyah Abdul Hamid's Avatar
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    Re: Discipline- Parents, older siblings or both?

    i used to discipline my dads 3 children.

    Of course my dad and his fiance both said i can...

    I would do anything to harsh, but if i seen them doing something wrong, i would call there names and tell them to stop. They used to listen to me alhamdulilah..


    Came to the point where they listened to me and became more well behaved around me then what they did for my dad n his fiance =|
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