Hi brothers and sisters. I have a serious problem. It involves my sexual fantasies. Back when I began watching porn, I thought it was a victimless crime. I wish I knew that the only victim was myself. They sell sick fantasies and make you addicted to them. I got addicted. I'm really ashamed by it since I want to lead a healthy life free of sexual impurities. I don't want to get too graphic but it involves group sex.
I'm really ashamed of myself. The fact that I have such low dignity sickens me a lot. I've researched on the internet and all I got was "It's cool." "There's nothing wrong with that" "Just accept your fantasies"...etc. But NO! It isn't right. It isn't acceptable because I feel it's wrong. I'm really surprised that I have such a weak will. I watch porn to feed my desire but after all is done, I hate myself for it. I really really hate myself right now. And what bugs me even more that I'm fully aware of it.
I'm a practicing 17 year old male Muslim. Marriage is not an option since I don't want to do it with their sick and disgusting thoughts in my mind. I want to clean myself. I really want to. But I just can't. I'm afraid that if I get married, I'd have zero desire and love towards my wife. I pray to ALLAH 24/7 but I still keep thinking these twisted thoughts. I don't even watch porn that often anymore (inshALLAH I'll fully quit) but these thoughts are what is turning me on.
Please help me.