Please Help Me Clean My Mind

[helpmeplease]

Hi brothers and sisters. I have a serious problem. It involves my sexual fantasies. Back when I began watching porn, I thought it was a victimless crime. I wish I knew that the only victim was myself. They sell sick fantasies and make you addicted to them. I got addicted. I'm really ashamed by it since I want to lead a healthy life free of sexual impurities. I don't want to get too graphic but it involves group sex.

I'm really ashamed of myself. The fact that I have such low dignity sickens me a lot. I've researched on the internet and all I got was "It's cool." "There's nothing wrong with that" "Just accept your fantasies"...etc. But NO! It isn't right. It isn't acceptable because I feel it's wrong. I'm really surprised that I have such a weak will. I watch porn to feed my desire but after all is done, I hate myself for it. I really really hate myself right now. And what bugs me even more that I'm fully aware of it.

I'm a practicing 17 year old male Muslim. Marriage is not an option since I don't want to do it with their sick and disgusting thoughts in my mind. I want to clean myself. I really want to. But I just can't. I'm afraid that if I get married, I'd have zero desire and love towards my wife. I pray to ALLAH 24/7 but I still keep thinking these twisted thoughts. I don't even watch porn that often anymore (inshALLAH I'll fully quit) but these thoughts are what is turning me on.

Please help me.

[muffin]

salam brother .The first thing you must remember is that Allah is watching you he is aware of what your doing .Repent to Allah ask for his help and guidance it takes time to get over a addiction i know but let me tell you from my experience my husband watched porn and it really has ruined our marriage and i just cant forgive him . Is watching porn and having these thoughts really worth it ask yourself is it ? because if you carry on it will ruin you and like you said yourself you might not feel love towards your future wife because of it and thats not fair on her what you seeing when your watching this filth isnt real its just an act dont ruin your future stop now you will regret it .

[islam4u2]

seek seclusion in a cave for 3 months that should sort you out. Or just unplug your internet connection so you can't have access to this material.

[.mirror.]

Well, you can EASILY stop watching it. I mean it's not like someone is forcing you two watch it. It's YOU going to sites, typing adress, etc. So, just remember the next time you even think about this that Allah is watching you. Also, learn to control yourself...don't let shaytan win.

[adviceforya]

You need to control your nafs. This is the ultimate test in this life. You are failing to tame your nafs and making it seem like a legitimate sickness which the corporate media makes you think, that it's a mental illness/addiction. It is NOT. The devil is fooling you into thinking it is, to make it seem OK until you feel like taking yourself off of it.

You are falling in a trap of your own evil deeds and making up excuses for yourself. The sick thoughts you get are called "waswasah" ie: whispers from devils and are cured through means of Quran listening and recitation, and Dhikr (full-time)..And five times salat as well as nafl. It will not go away quickly, it needs time. Also fasting may help. Recite the 3 Qul's after every prayer 3 times and blow over your body and hands to protect from evil whispers and devils/thoughts (this is hadith). Don't expect everything to work oh so suddenly like magic, it takes time, and you have to be stronger and don't give up, this will make the devils give up.

Devils get tired of a person who recites these over and over and slowly your sick thoughts will fade away. This is a test of faith and you are failing if you keep giving into this filth. If you keep watching it, you are still getting sins written on your shoulders by these angels, no excuses if it's an "addiction." It' is NOT an addiction, it's your nafs. You can get over it, you need self control and a strong will.

[hamza81]

Hi brothers and sisters. I have a serious problem. It involves my sexual fantasies. Back when I began watching porn, I thought it was a victimless crime. I wish I knew that the only victim was myself. They sell sick fantasies and make you addicted to them. I got addicted. I'm really ashamed by it since I want to lead a healthy life free of sexual impurities. I don't want to get too graphic but it involves group sex.

I'm really ashamed of myself. The fact that I have such low dignity sickens me a lot. I've researched on the internet and all I got was "It's cool." "There's nothing wrong with that" "Just accept your fantasies"...etc. But NO! It isn't right. It isn't acceptable because I feel it's wrong. I'm really surprised that I have such a weak will. I watch porn to feed my desire but after all is done, I hate myself for it. I really really hate myself right now. And what bugs me even more that I'm fully aware of it.

I'm a practicing 17 year old male Muslim. Marriage is not an option since I don't want to do it with their sick and disgusting thoughts in my mind. I want to clean myself. I really want to. But I just can't. I'm afraid that if I get married, I'd have zero desire and love towards my wife. I pray to ALLAH 24/7 but I still keep thinking these twisted thoughts. I don't even watch porn that often anymore (inshALLAH I'll fully quit) but these thoughts are what is turning me on.

Please help me.

Asalaamu Alaikum, My brother jazakallah for sharing your problems with us as it must be hard sharing what you have shared and it must make you extremely ashamed but it does show that you have concern over your imaan and that is why you are feeling so low and in despair because of your actions. You feel like your trapped but my brother there is always a way out and you must be strong and focus on how to rid yourself of these filthy habits. It is not an overnight process but with constant striving and determination you can leave all of this behind you.

My brother no matter what sins a person does one can ALWAYS gain forgiveness as long as one repents sincerely with remorse and with the intention of never repeating such an act again. Therefore you MUST make this intention NOW and not tomorrow as you may not have a tomorrow. Never be in despair or lose hope because that is what your enemy shaythan wants of you. You are stronger than that and I know that you have got it in you to rid yourself of these evil habits. You MUST focus and internalise in your mind that you WILL change and you WILL get rid of these evils from your life because you can't afford to continue doing them incase death takes you.

You need to continuously think of death and surround yourself with good company. You also need to get rid of your laptop for a while and and take te necessery measures to rid yourself of this evil from your life. You need to think to yourself that what if Allah takes you whilst you are vinvolving yourself with an escort or whilst you are indulging in evil. It is all about internalising these thoughts in your head and building up the determination to really say to yourself that "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND I WILL NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS EVIL ANYMORE AS MY LIFE AND THESE SECONDS ARE WAY TOO PRECIOUS TO WASTE!"

Try to establish Salaah in the Masjid as much as you can and involve yourself with good and pious company. Sit with learned people and scholars and with the pious and those who remember Allah. Involve yourself with Islamic Ilm and courses and learn as much as you can about Islam especially about death and the hereafter. Increase yourself with nafil prayers and busy your tongue with the remembrance and glorification of Allah.

You should always keep your tongue moist with glorifying the name of Allah and you can do this wherever you are and whatever you are doing apart from when you are in the toilet. Increase in the recitation of the Qur'an and read its meanings so that you can understand what Allah is telling us.

Try and perfect your character as much as you can and be the best towards your parents and serve them as much as you can for serving ones parents is the greatest of deeds. Keep the ties of kinship and make much dua to Allah as dua is the weapon of the believer. Ask of Allah to help you to become strong and to guide you to the straight path. Cry to him because Allah tends to those who cry quicker just as a mother tends to its crying baby.

Put your full hopes and faith, trust and reliance in Allah and always imagine him watching you because he is watching you all of the time because he actually is. Therefore we should be ashamed when we do any sin in secret because we should realise that Allah can see and is watching all that we do and he has more rights over us than anyone else so therefore we should not be doing shameful deeds in secret thinking that no one can see us because Allah sees all that we do and knows what we are thinking for he knows us better than we know ourselves.

So my brother never give up hope for you CAN do this! Be determined more than EVER to conquer this and think to yourself that you have not a second more to waste because your life can end at any second. Also realise that these seconds we have are too precious to waste and we will regret so much on the day of judgement all of the seconds that we wasted so we CANNOT afford to waste these precious seconds especially by doing sin.

My brother you must NEVER despair in that Allah WILL forgive you for ALL of your sins if you sincerely repent with remorse and with the intention of NEVER repeating such acts again. Allah says in the Qur'an that ONLY the disbelievers despair in the mercy of Allah so NEVER despair but repent and make the necessery changes.

Just think to yourself that whatever has happened has happened now and you cannot change the past but what you can do is learn from it and take lessons from it and do the best you can now and the future. Shaythan only wants you to think about your past so that you can continue to despair and lose hope but will you listen to your enemy? Then learn from the past and take lessons from it and move on and do the best you can now and the future.

You came on here for a reason and this post has now made you realise that it is by the will of Allah that you came here to read all of this and know that you must NEVER lose hope but you CAN gain forgiveness for EVERY sin and you CAN become a good Muslim who will spend his life pleasing Allah. It is in your ability but you must take action NOW and not wait for tomorrow because tomorrow will never come. Allah is wanting you closer to him so will you not go towards Allah? Or wil you listen to your enemy shaythan and despair and lose hope?

You know what to do now and all that there is left for you to do is turn towards Allah and ask of him for forgiveness sincerely with remorse and with the intention of NEVER repeating such acts again and then you can move forward with your life doing everything to please Allah and refraining from displeasing him.

Make the best of eevry second that you have left my brother and let us not waste this one chance that we have in this life otherwise on the day of judgement we will be at such a huge loss and shaythan will be laughing at us saying how patretic we are for listening to him when we could have pleased Allah and been of those who gained high ranks of Paradise. We CAN gain these high ranks but it will take hard work, effort and continuously striving. We can do whatever we want to do so NEVER think you can't because you CAN!

Here is some advice and help in giving up masterbation:


12 Tips to Help Brothers and Sisters Control the Evil Habit of Masterbation


1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Even if you get tempted, just think of Allah and the Prophet (Saw) and that Allah is wathcing you at all times and this urge will go away.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Shaythan plays with the minds of those who sit around idle and not doing anything. Find good company and stay in this good company. Spend time with your family and close ones(Not Non mahrams) Find good company and stay in this good company.The best company are those who lead you towards good and not those who lead you in the wrong direction. Don't hang around with those girls who talk about sexual things and boys etc.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken out of your mind for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom as soon as possible because we are advised in the sunnah not to delay getting changed after a bath. We should dry ourselves and get into doing an act of worship.

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. Sleep on your sides and NOT on your front or back. It is forbidden to sleep on your stomach and it is sunnah to sleep on your right side. Do dua's and Zikr until you fall asleep.

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. If these thoughts come to you in the middle of the night then go and do wudu and pray Tahajjud and make much dua and cry in your dua's of Allah to increase you in imaan (Faith) and to help you resist your desires and to help you get married ASAP.

7. Find out when are your weakest times when your most likely to masterbate or touch yourself. When you have established on what times and occassions this occurs then you can plan what to do to avoid feeling temptations on thos particular occassions.

8. Never read pornographic material especially on the internet as these images will be stored in your head and it will make your problem worse. Try to keep your gaze low at all times. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act inshallah.

9. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good Islamic books, the life of the Prophet(Saw) and his seerah, the life after death. There SO many interesting topics to read and learn about. Make a daily habit of reading at least one juz(Chapter) of Qur'an with its meanings.
Reading the Qur'an everyday with its meanings will bring countless blessings and rewards and bring you closer to Allah as well as keep you busy and occupied therefore keeping your mind off this problem.

10. Make much dua. But when you make dua don't just make dua about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Make dua for increase of your iman(faith), Make dua for understanding of the Islam and the Qur'an, Make dua for your family and ALL Muslims especially the ones that are being oprressed, Pray for the sick and that we all unite as one. keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever --not in conversation with others, not inso much in your dua's. keep it out of your mind because if you keep mentioning it then it will stay in your mind!

11. Fast. You may have tried it before and it did'nt work but how can it work if we don't change our eating habits? If we eat little just to satisfy our stomachs then our fasting will be effective and restrict our sexual urges and capability's. But if we carry on over eating after our fasts then that food will impact on the stomach which will impact on our desires. So restrict the amount you eat before and after fasting and you will feel the benefits of fasting to stop your urges.

12. Finally the best solution of all- GET MARRIED. Give some urgency to your family about the need for you to get married sooner rather than later. Tell them of the benefits of getting married early and that it is a sunnah as the Prophet (Saw) recommended it as it will help avoid haraam(Forbidden) relations with non mahrams and getting married early will help eradicate this problem and mean that one can indulge in their sexual urges and desires legitamatley as well as recieve reward for it. The main reason why there is so many haraam relations out there is for the fact that our families are not getting their children married early enough as the Prophet (Saw) advised.


Haraam Fantasizing


by Hazrat Maulana Yunus Patel Saheb (daamat barakaatuhum)

There is no shortage of complaints when it comes to giving up sins and the struggle which ensues between individuals and their nafs, as well as Shaytaan.

This battle is inevitably on-going – till our dying day. There is no other way out, except to show the courage and bravery that every Muslim does have – when it comes to Pleasing Allah Ta’ala.

Yet another widespread weakness is that of Haraam fantasizing. Young and old, married and unmarried – thousands upon thousands, succumb to their runaway imagination when it comes to fantasy world and this in turn leads to even graver sin.

Allah Ta’ala granted us the power of Imagination for a beautiful purpose; but most people today utilize this imagination in filthy thoughts. The following is actually drawn from my Malfoozaat. It is an extract from one of the kitaabs. It is a prescription which I have given to many who have complained of the same. Alhamdulillah, it has been a means of cure for many. May Allah Ta’ala make it a means of cure for all that have this ailment.

“Haraam fantasizing is the spiritual disease of almost every person. It is abuse of the great, wonderful and amazing gift of imagination.

Why did Allah Ta’ala give us this gift of imagination ?

The imagination has been given to us so that it may be used to ponder over the Qur`aan Sharif, which entails stories of past nations and verses upon verses of Jannat and Jahannum and accountability. This is imagination was to be used for the purpose of taking lesson and strengthening our Imaan. It was to be used as a catalyst towards ‘Aml’ (action).

The imagination was not given to us so that we may indulge our nafs in filthy thoughts.

One of the main reasons why both men and women have this problem plaguing them, is due to their indulgence in lustful gazing.

After having cast filthy gazes at ghair-mahareem , or watching porn movies or paging through porn magazines, or reading explicit romance novels, there is desire and craving for more. Since ‘more’ is generally not possible … since the person may be married, or the object of one’s desire is a film star or supermodel or a Miss Universe or Mr. Universe, and there is zero chance of meeting the person, the person tries to satisfy these shahawaat (desires) by fantasizing.

But fantasizing is not going to satisfy desire. It will only increase desire. The person’s sickness will increase. His physical health will inevitably also suffer.

When the desire to indulge in Haraam fantasizing comes into the heart, then take your imagination to the Day of Judgement; stand before Allah Ta’ala’s Seat of Judgement and begin accounting for all your actions in this world. Think of how you will account for and what you will say to Allah Ta’ala when all these filthy thoughts will be presented to you.

Allah Ta’ala states in the Qur`aan Sharif :

“WHEN THE SCROLLS ARE LAID OPEN.” [SURAH TAKWEER 81 :10]

“THIS OUR RECORD SPEAKS ABOUT YOU WITH TRUTH : FOR WE WERE WONT TO PUT ON RECORD ALL THAT YOU DID.” [SURAH JATHIYA 45 :29]

Even though Allah Ta’ala is All-Knowing and well aware of all our actions, He has established a law whereby every action and every detail of every action be recorded and thereafter presented to us on the Day of Reckoning – in favour of us or witness against us.

Otherwise take your imagination for Haj : Picture yourself at the Multazam, making Tawaaf, making Sa`ee; picture yourself at the Raudha Mubarak, conveying Salaam to Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam), or take your imagination to your Qabr and the events which unfold in the grave after death. …Insha-Allah, this will a means of defeating nafs and Shaytaan as well as obliterating a filthy habit.

If you find yourself still weak against the demands of nafs and whisperings of Shaytaan, then immediately occupy yourself in that which is ‘mubaah’ (permissible). Begin conversation with your parents, or with brothers and sisters, or phone a good, pious friend, or listen to some Qiraat or Deeni talk… Occupy yourself in that which is Halaal and mubaah; otherwise nafs will ravage your heart and destroy your peace of mind and lead you to even suicidal tendencies.

Added to this, consider filthy thoughts as pigs. Just as we show aversion and absolute disgust on seeing a pig, so should we be disgusted with dirty thoughts – which fall in the same category as pigs. Both are Haraam (forbidden).

Furthermore, Haraam fantasizing leads to the evil habit of self-gratification, because there is no Halaal avenue to satisfy one’s desires. This is a rather disastrous weakness amongst the youth and one should ponder over the various harms which are too many, and these harms are spiritual, physical and psychological harms.

Satisfying one’s desires by masturbating is not permissible even if a person does not have the means to marry. Allah Ta’ala mentions that those who do not find the means to marry should remain chaste.

“And those who do not find the means to marry, should remain chaste until Allah gives them resources by His Grace.”

Remaining chaste is thus a Divine command which is compulsory to comply with – therefore we will find the Ahadith presenting prescriptions to remain chaste (lowering the gaze, fasting, etc.).

As a prescription, the following harms should be read and re-read if need be, until it is understood that the harms long term are not worth the gratification that comes with the sin.

Some Spiritual Harms :

1. Taufeeq of doing good deeds is taken away. The person is deprived of Tahajjud, of Tilawat of the Qur`aan Sharief, of associating with the pious, etc.
2. The person is deprived of knowledge and finds an aversion to people
3. The most dangerous is that the person will not be able to remain steadfast on Deen. (Allah Ta’ala protect).
4. Besides this, a person who satisfies his evil desires in this manner is cursed according to Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam).


Some Psychological Harms :

It leads to

1. agitation and irritation over trivial matters,
2. lack of confidence,
3. disinterest in studying
4. and desire for isolation.

Much more can be stated in respect to the harms of this sin. So contemplating the above, should give every incentive to give up the sin. No one would like to contend with any one of the above problems and yet just one evil deed and the person has invited waves of calamities upon himself.

If evil desires still get the better, then Nikah is a simple solution. Where the evil desires are so difficult to suppress that the person engages in Haraam then Shariah says that it is Fardh for the person to marry. This is, of course, for those who the ability.

Also download this brilliant PDF file called:

MASTURBATION: A DISASTROUS PROBLEM FACED BY THE YOUTH

http://www.al-inaam.com/Books/Masturbation.pdf


Sorry for such a long post. Hope all of this advice has helped. Please feel free to ask whatever questions you like for i am always here for you. Take the necessery steps now my brother as our life is too short. Take small steps towards Allah and he will take big steps towards you. Do not miss out on this opportunity in getting closer to Allah because you DO have this opportunity now but you may not do tomorrow.


Here are links to help you make the best of everyday of your life until death:


10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith)

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?192926-10-Steps-to-Increasing-our-Iman(Faith)

10 steps to getting closer to Allah

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?244482-10-steps-to-getting-closer-to-Allah

This could change your life FOREVER!

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?257940-This-could-change-your-life-FOREVER!

Here are some very beneficial lectures which you should listen to, to increase your imaan and fear of Allah:


Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 1/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieX7ZQtHl0s

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 2/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK_2sVGMW08

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 3/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpmzA2hk1Bo

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 4/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km39GfL62TQ

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - The Journey of the Soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAwHEXE3-n0


HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc


Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE

Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo

How can we not appreciate what we have after watching this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkEBUC0APMg

[loonietoonie]

Visit the graveyard. One day you will be in there. Do you want to take the baggage of sin with you? InshAllah limit and block your access to evil, repent and do good deeds with sincerity. The more good deeds you do, the more you'll stay away from bad.

listen to this lecture:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsWjs7hhSn0

[Yunus aua]

Salam alaikum,

First of put some islamic themed wallpapers with ayats from quran or something. If you have firefox you can add a similair theme to the browser.
surround yourself with things that make you remember Allah. This might bring some guilt when you try to access some sites and make you think twice

[guest today]

www.imancipate.com might help with this kinda stuff, its run by a muslim brother just check it out

[same case]

brother
my husband had the same problem, when we just gotmarried he mentioned to me that I dont excite him even I'm atractive but he told me you need to do stuff to excite me!! I was 22 yo I come from very polite family " I even dont know what the bad words mean " and I didnt understand what he meant at that time. one day I went throught the history of the internet "because every time I go to his office he locks the door and it takes some time for him to open it" I found really discusting creatures. I wanted to divorce but I was bregnent at that time. Now I dont want him to toutch me I dont want him at all every day I want to run away from him, you dont know how small I see him, you dont know how much I want to divorce, and also I dont take care of myself at all for him. he dosent want to divorce because of the baby. I even offered him to find an other women that he divorce me but he didnt ""he say: I love you and I want you to forgive me, I really quit doing that and you have every think I want."'' but I cant belive him and i dont want him, he took away the innosent me, he took away my dreams that my husband treat me soft and get me to marriage life nicely and desire me.
Trust me if you dont try to clean yourself you'll be in trouble.
My husband is baging me to forgive him all the time and I do vebaly but the problem I can forget how he treated me and what he told me, even he try to do very nice thinks ''breakfast in bed, buying gift all the time gold perfums , money, stuff........" all of this it does not toutch me beceause of that picture I have of him in my brain.

[hamza81]

brother
my husband had the same problem, when we just gotmarried he mentioned to me that I dont excite him even I'm atractive but he told me you need to do stuff to excite me!! I was 22 yo I come from very polite family " I even dont know what the bad words mean " and I didnt understand what he meant at that time. one day I went throught the history of the internet "because every time I go to his office he locks the door and it takes some time for him to open it" I found really discusting creatures. I wanted to divorce but I was bregnent at that time. Now I dont want him to toutch me I dont want him at all every day I want to run away from him, you dont know how small I see him, you dont know how much I want to divorce, and also I dont take care of myself at all for him. he dosent want to divorce because of the baby. I even offered him to find an other women that he divorce me but he didnt ""he say: I love you and I want you to forgive me, I really quit doing that and you have every think I want."'' but I cant belive him and i dont want him, he took away the innosent me, he took away my dreams that my husband treat me soft and get me to marriage life nicely and desire me.
Trust me if you dont try to clean yourself you'll be in trouble.
My husband is baging me to forgive him all the time and I do vebaly but the problem I can forget how he treated me and what he told me, even he try to do very nice thinks ''breakfast in bed, buying gift all the time gold perfums , money, stuff........" all of this it does not toutch me beceause of that picture I have of him in my brain.

Asalaamu Alaikum, My dear sister you should not be so harsh on him. He has made mistakes and has acknowledged that and you should forgive him if he is sincere. Why let these issues drag on and ruin your marriage? There should always be mercy especially between a couple. You should look at your own faults and think to yourself that you are far from perfect and you also make mistakes so you should overlook your husbands mistakes to. Otherwise you may find that Allah holds back his mercy from you like you hold back your mercy from your husband.

And Allah knows best in all matters