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  1. #1

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    dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    salamoalikom

    a sister who is married lives now with her husband, soon her mother in law will move with them, and the sister doesnt want. she is wondering what islam say about this. could she say to her husband that she doesnt want? could she demand it? her mother in law is married but separeted, and her husband is married with another one too.

    salam
    // iman

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    ~Alhamdulillah~ Masumah's Avatar
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    is there any particular reason she is against her mother inlaw moving in?

    surely the sister will get alot of reward from Allah swt for hidmaath done to the husbands mother...his mother is js liek her own mother, y wudd't she want to have her mother live with her?..it seems like her mother inlaw is in a situation herself and could do with sum help and assistance.
    *Alhamdulillah*

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    well, she say that she dont like her because of her strict attitude, she say she treated her like her own mother, but she was so negative to her, she thinks she hates her. she say that she have a negativ attitude, and agressive and that is why her husband separeted with her, she loves her kids she say, but she hates her. like she is an enemy. her mother in law makes her so insecure she say, her mother in law say that she is so decieved, she thought the sister would b like this and this but ur not. her mother in law wants to rule on her and everything in the house, the kitchen etc. she dont let her close the door in her room, and she wants to decide her routines etc.
    Last edited by muslemah; 26-10-09 at 12:37 AM.

  4. #4
    umm sumaiya naila-k's Avatar
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    depends what madhab she follows.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Jasin Natael's Avatar
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by muslemah View Post
    well, she say that she dont like her because of her strict attitude, she say she treated her like her own mother, but she was so negative to her, she thinks she hates her. she say that she have a negativ attitude, and agressive and that is why her husband separeted with her, she loves her kids she say, but she hates her. like she is an enemy.
    tbh i think its as much up to the wife as it is up to the husband. They should come up with an answer together.

    Do you think that by having the mother stay with them, it will cause a strain on their marriage?

  6. #6
    Very happy bunny -:) KeeKee's Avatar
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    :

    None of us actually know the details behind your friends situation therefore are in no place to offer advice. Maybe they can discuss this with a reliable trusted 3rd party or an Imam.
    The enforcement of Muslim Brotherhood is the greatest social ideal of Islam. On it was based the Prophet's (SAW) sermon on his last pilgrimage, and Islam cannot be completely realized until this ideal is achieved. '
    (Shaikh Maulana Muhammad Yusuf)
    In Lam Takun Ghaadiban Annee Falaa Ubaalee...

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    Senior Member Jasin Natael's Avatar
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by KeeKee View Post
    :

    None of us actually know the details behind your friends situation therefore are in no place to offer advice. Maybe they can discuss this with a reliable trusted 3rd party or an Imam.
    excellent advice

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by Jasin Natael View Post
    tbh i think its as much up to the wife as it is up to the husband. They should come up with an answer together.

    Do you think that by having the mother stay with them, it will cause a strain on their marriage?
    she say that she doesnt know, but maybe it could. because she say that she could loose her control, her husband want her to tolerate, but she cant tolerate too much and could loose control

    salam
    // iman

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by KeeKee View Post
    :

    None of us actually know the details behind your friends situation therefore are in no place to offer advice. Maybe they can discuss this with a reliable trusted 3rd party or an Imam.
    mm good advice sister thank u, but she say her husband would be angry, because he love her mother very much, and he say that she have had a difficult life and suffered a lot, and that is why she is like that, and she say that she cant convince her husband to talk with sheikh, and she cant talk with sheikh cause her husband will get angry, but i asked her if she wanted me to talk with sheikh ´, and she wanted ´so i will do that tomorrow inshallah. thank u for the advice. i hope her problem will be solved...

    salam
    // iman

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    Odan MuslimSoljah's Avatar
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by naila-k View Post
    depends what madhab she follows.
    I'm confused by 'depends what madhab she follows'?
    I thank Allah for blessing me with Islam... there are billions of souls out there who are in the darkness... yet we still do not appreciate it and thank him enough

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Salaam sis, this is a difficult and touchy situation. Mothers have a lot of rights over their children and a wife should treat her mother in law with the greatest of respect. Yet, I can also imagine that this young woman would feel cramped and stressed with the mother in law living with them. She does have the right to have her own home, free from the encumberances of any in laws.

    Though the son is responsible to provide for his mother, there is nothing in Islam that insists that she must live with him and his wife. He can provide her a separate apartment elsewhere. He should protect both of them from the strain of having to live together. He could possibly provide for her to share housing with another single sister, or another relative. Maybe he can build an add on to the house, so they don't have to share common spaces.

    She should speak with her husband and tell him of her discomfort and ask him for them to consider other alternatives other than, them living together.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Jasin Natael's Avatar
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    This may help...

    You should understand that differences are human nature; human beings are not all the same in terms of attitude, religious commitment, reasoning and behaviour. You should also pay attention to the fact that when a person grows older, their reasoning diminishes and they become childlike in many ways. You should also remember that you are dealing with your husband’s mother, and usually mothers-in-law feel as jealous of their sons’ wives as they would of a co-wife.

    If you pay attention to all of the above, then your problems will begin to seem insignificant and your worry will be dispelled. What you are suffering from is something that many women suffer from, and it needs two important things: patience and wisdom.

    So bear with patience whatever you see and hear from your husband’s family, and be wise in your dealings with them, especially with your husband’s mother, for by means of your wisdom you will be able to avoid many problems and you will earn their approval or at least put a stop to their ill will towards you; and you will also win your husband’s heart and please him.

    Wisdom in your dealings with your husband’s mother means that you must speak nicely to her, praise her, pray for her, respond to her requests and be more concerned about her than she is herself, if she takes medicine, for example, or she has an appointment to visit a doctor. Gifts also play a major role in softening her heart and changing the way she deals with you.

    But it should also be noted that you are not obliged to serve her or take care of her in the sense of it being an Islamic obligation. What you are doing is something that is mustahabb and is liked in Islam, and it is also kindness towards your husband. Perhaps if she realizes that you are doing something that is not obligatory upon you in sharee’ah, and your husband realizes that also, this will elevate your status in their eyes.

    Secondly:


    You have every right to have a separate house in which you live with your husband and children, and you have the right to privacy, if your husband wants you to live with his family, and he will not be disobeying his mother if he allows you that. The wise and intelligent man weighs things against the standards of sharee’ah, and gives each person who is entitled to rights his or her due, and he does not take away from one in order to give to another.

    But despite that we know how difficult it is to live separately in many cases, especially in current circumstances when finding suitable accommodation, especially in the big cities, is very difficult to achieve. In this case the man must look at his circumstances in general with an open mind, so that he will not make things difficult for himself or for the people around him. Allaah has decreed proficiency in all things.

    Your husband has to understand the reality of your situation with his mother, because this is causing you to be edgy, which is affecting your children. It may also be affecting your husband. Hence he should hasten to solve the problems in his household, and he should accept frank discussion with you in all matters. He has to bear the responsibility that Islam has enjoined on him, and he has to honour his family, which also includes advising them and reminding them if they do something that is contrary to sharee’ah. He is also responsible for treating his wife kindly and he is responsible for raising his children. He is in great need of someone who can discuss these matters frankly with him and help him, and you are the main support who can help him in all these matters.

    We ask Allaah to guide you and set your affairs straight, and to reconcile between you, and to make you a happy family in this world and in the Hereafter.

    And Allaah knows best.
    Sheikh Muhammad Salih al-Munajjid

  13. #13
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by Queentee7 View Post
    Salaam sis, this is a difficult and touchy situation. Mothers have a lot of rights over their children and a wife should treat her mother in law with the greatest of respect. Yet, I can also imagine that this young woman would feel cramped and stressed with the mother in law living with them. She does have the right to have her own home, free from the encumberances of any in laws.

    Though the son is responsible to provide for his mother, there is nothing in Islam that insists that she must live with him and his wife. He can provide her a separate apartment elsewhere. He should protect both of them from the strain of having to live together. He could possibly provide for her to share housing with another single sister, or another relative. Maybe he can build an add on to the house, so they don't have to share common spaces.

    She should speak with her husband and tell him of her discomfort and ask him for them to consider other alternatives other than, them living together.

    Nice one. Mashallah. May Allah swt increase u in knowledge.

    I am not married and sometimes i think about these stuff. My parents raised me, educated me Bi'idnillah, and there is no way i would leave them alone without taking care of them. I am on a process of marrying a sister Inshallah, and i told her this as one of the first thing that i wont leave my parents, and she would stay here just like she is living with her own parents and do good to the parents. Although i understand that she had her own rights. so do i.

    The sister mentioned one condition to me, which is after marriage Inshallah, i can not marry a second wife in her presence. And for some madhab, it is ok as i learned about it. Nevertheless it didnt make sense to me why she wants me to be obligated to such condition. Although i think i would not marry a second wife may be becuz in this time i can not provide for two fairly, or law would not allow or whatever, but putting such condition would be against the permission of Allah swt, where He swt permitted His slave, and someone would put a condition on it. But after give it a thought and read about different opinions and madhab, i was ok let me make my condition clear to her. She would have to stay with me and my family. How fair is that?
    “What can my enemies possibly do to me? My paradise is in my heart; wherever I go it goes with me, inseparable from me. For me, prison is a place of (religious) retreat; execution is my opportunity for martyrdom; and exile from my town is but a chance to travel.” - Shaykh al-Islam ibn Taymiyya

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    Senior Member Jasin Natael's Avatar
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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    okay, off topic but I have just seen the above posters signature, (sm7502) and I have to say, that is one of the best ways to try and live your life masha'allah

    "“What can my enemies possibly do to me? My paradise is in my heart; wherever I go it goes with me, inseparable from me. For me, prison is a place of (religious) retreat; execution is my opportunity for martyrdom; and exile from my town is but a chance to travel.” - Shaykh al-Islam ibn Taymiyya"

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Well, if some sisters dont want to live with in-laws then, they should not get married.

    We men can do just fine without women.

  16. #16

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by Queentee7 View Post
    Salaam sis, this is a difficult and touchy situation. Mothers have a lot of rights over their children and a wife should treat her mother in law with the greatest of respect. Yet, I can also imagine that this young woman would feel cramped and stressed with the mother in law living with them. She does have the right to have her own home, free from the encumberances of any in laws.

    Though the son is responsible to provide for his mother, there is nothing in Islam that insists that she must live with him and his wife. He can provide her a separate apartment elsewhere. He should protect both of them from the strain of having to live together. He could possibly provide for her to share housing with another single sister, or another relative. Maybe he can build an add on to the house, so they don't have to share common spaces.

    She should speak with her husband and tell him of her discomfort and ask him for them to consider other alternatives other than, them living together.
    salamoalikom sister, i couldnt agree more, but in this case, the sister told me that she treated her mother in law as she was her own mother but she think her mother in law hates her because she is maybe afraid that she will take her son or something, and she told me how her mother in law behaves, i mean its not only about stressed and so on, the mother in law make her feel bad, i mean she tells her bad things like u are bad i didnt know u was like this u decieved me, seriously, how would it feel to hear like that everyday? so i dont think this is a case where a wife just dont like her mother in law, obviously this one isnt nice. (after what i´ve heard) staring at her when she laugh with her husband and other things. the sisters husband dont listen he say be patient, the sister say, she is patient, but she feels like she soon will loose control, and she have been patient only for her husband. so her last way is to read about what islam say that she can do.
    now i dont know this sister personally, she contacted me cause she needed help and she approved that i asked for ur help. thank u for ur advices, i will let her read them. unfortunetely there doesnt seem to be anything she could do the best advice i think it is to be more patient, even if it could feel difficult, this is a test from Allah SWT.

    salam
    // iman

  17. #17

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by peace keeper View Post
    Well, if some sisters dont want to live with in-laws then, they should not get married.

    We men can do just fine without women.
    salam peace keeper, its not about not wanting to live with in-laws. its how we hehave to each other. If someone isnt nice to the other, and feel hated from the other would u like to be living with them and feel the negatice energy all the time? i do not think so. Me i wont have problems with my in-laws inshallah, and i hope they are nice ones, (didnt met them yet, but i hope they are nice people) and i dont have the ugly tradition that there has to be misunderstanding with in-laws but some people do have problems with them, and i do think that we in those cases should try to put ourself in their place and try to understand them,

    if u dont need wifes, stop searching for them, how many threads arent here on brothers searching for sisters? marriage is half of the deen, why? because allah know we all need to get married, its human nature. its just a sarcasm isnt it?

    salam
    // iman

  18. #18

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by sm7502 View Post
    Nice one. Mashallah. May Allah swt increase u in knowledge.

    I am not married and sometimes i think about these stuff. My parents raised me, educated me Bi'idnillah, and there is no way i would leave them alone without taking care of them. I am on a process of marrying a sister Inshallah, and i told her this as one of the first thing that i wont leave my parents, and she would stay here just like she is living with her own parents and do good to the parents. Although i understand that she had her own rights. so do i.

    The sister mentioned one condition to me, which is after marriage Inshallah, i can not marry a second wife in her presence. And for some madhab, it is ok as i learned about it. Nevertheless it didnt make sense to me why she wants me to be obligated to such condition. Although i think i would not marry a second wife may be becuz in this time i can not provide for two fairly, or law would not allow or whatever, but putting such condition would be against the permission of Allah swt, where He swt permitted His slave, and someone would put a condition on it. But after give it a thought and read about different opinions and madhab, i was ok let me make my condition clear to her. She would have to stay with me and my family. How fair is that?
    salamoalikom, with all respect, just as u want to be sure that she could live with ur parents, she would like to be sure that u wont marry another one. its completly normal that sisters would like to have the husband for themselves. its fair in my opinion, dont know if it was a rethoric answer or not, but thats my answer :$ its better than after u get married u will have problems with this because u didnt talk about it before...

    salam
    //iman

  19. #19

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by Jasin Natael View Post
    This may help...

    You should understand that differences are human nature; human beings are not all the same in terms of attitude, religious commitment, reasoning and behaviour. You should also pay attention to the fact that when a person grows older, their reasoning diminishes and they become childlike in many ways. You should also remember that you are dealing with your husband’s mother, and usually mothers-in-law feel as jealous of their sons’ wives as they would of a co-wife.

    If you pay attention to all of the above, then your problems will begin to seem insignificant and your worry will be dispelled. What you are suffering from is something that many women suffer from, and it needs two important things: patience and wisdom.

    So bear with patience whatever you see and hear from your husband’s family, and be wise in your dealings with them, especially with your husband’s mother, for by means of your wisdom you will be able to avoid many problems and you will earn their approval or at least put a stop to their ill will towards you; and you will also win your husband’s heart and please him.

    Wisdom in your dealings with your husband’s mother means that you must speak nicely to her, praise her, pray for her, respond to her requests and be more concerned about her than she is herself, if she takes medicine, for example, or she has an appointment to visit a doctor. Gifts also play a major role in softening her heart and changing the way she deals with you.

    But it should also be noted that you are not obliged to serve her or take care of her in the sense of it being an Islamic obligation. What you are doing is something that is mustahabb and is liked in Islam, and it is also kindness towards your husband. Perhaps if she realizes that you are doing something that is not obligatory upon you in sharee’ah, and your husband realizes that also, this will elevate your status in their eyes.

    Secondly:


    You have every right to have a separate house in which you live with your husband and children, and you have the right to privacy, if your husband wants you to live with his family, and he will not be disobeying his mother if he allows you that. The wise and intelligent man weighs things against the standards of sharee’ah, and gives each person who is entitled to rights his or her due, and he does not take away from one in order to give to another.

    But despite that we know how difficult it is to live separately in many cases, especially in current circumstances when finding suitable accommodation, especially in the big cities, is very difficult to achieve. In this case the man must look at his circumstances in general with an open mind, so that he will not make things difficult for himself or for the people around him. Allaah has decreed proficiency in all things.

    Your husband has to understand the reality of your situation with his mother, because this is causing you to be edgy, which is affecting your children. It may also be affecting your husband. Hence he should hasten to solve the problems in his household, and he should accept frank discussion with you in all matters. He has to bear the responsibility that Islam has enjoined on him, and he has to honour his family, which also includes advising them and reminding them if they do something that is contrary to sharee’ah. He is also responsible for treating his wife kindly and he is responsible for raising his children. He is in great need of someone who can discuss these matters frankly with him and help him, and you are the main support who can help him in all these matters.

    We ask Allaah to guide you and set your affairs straight, and to reconcile between you, and to make you a happy family in this world and in the Hereafter.

    And Allaah knows best.
    Sheikh Muhammad Salih al-Munajjid

    salamoalikom
    thank u brother for finding this, i sent a link to this thread so she read it all.
    the sister thanks u all for the advices, and she finds that there is no better advice than to stay patient. i wish her and all brother and muslims everything good

    salam
    // iman

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    great, whatchu mentioned or qouted. Like i said, its fair when both party is sacrificing. If one wants to live alone without in law, i feel bad for the brother. If the brother CAN NOT or DO NOT think he could live without his parents, he should marry a second wife. And If the sister can not live with her in laws, then either she is gonna have to be ok with brother's second marriage or stay with in laws. (and its all depending on the situation how much the brother do not want to leave his parents and from my perspective)
    “What can my enemies possibly do to me? My paradise is in my heart; wherever I go it goes with me, inseparable from me. For me, prison is a place of (religious) retreat; execution is my opportunity for martyrdom; and exile from my town is but a chance to travel.” - Shaykh al-Islam ibn Taymiyya

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    Re: dont want to live with inlaw, what does islam say

    Quote Originally Posted by sm7502 View Post
    great, whatchu mentioned or qouted. Like i said, its fair when both party is sacrificing. If one wants to live alone without in law, i feel bad for the brother. If the brother CAN NOT or DO NOT think he could live without his parents, he should marry a second wife. An If the sister can not live with her in laws, then either she is gonna have to be ok with brother's second marriage or stay with in laws. (and its all depending on the situation how much the brother do not want to leave his parents and from my perspective)

    salamoalikom brother,
    interesting solution, but one, haha, its normal to get jealous, even Aicha radialaho 3anha become jealous of the other wifes, there is an example with honey, did u hear it? its difficult this situation, i think thmarrying a second wife, isnt that easy, to marry a second wife, uve got to be as fair as u can, its not "3adi" normal, that men nowadays marry two wifes, three or even four i think, actually entire my life i have only heared about one brother, anyway, i think cause its not easy to be fair to all of them, youve got to be rich. sometimes some maybe live exact with economy and it would be more diffi with two families, cause u then need double of money, i will let the sister read this, but i dont think she is specially fond of that, that her husband marry another e best would be to be more patient, and maybe sometimes just talk with her and say im sorry but i really would like to close my door to the room when situations like that come up, maybe their relation could improve if she is continue being nice to her, if the mother in law still is a difficult she should talk with her in a respectful way and tell her her opinion, so they maybe could try to begin to communicate, wallaho a3lam, maybe this mother in law is as difficult as she say. subhanallah, this is why always when people want to get married, we dont only get married with the husband, utan also with the family, so its importnant to see how the family is too inshallah, and not only the brother, inshalllah they are good with deen, warm, friendly and nice people....aha yes, it does depend on the brother too...may Allah SWT help them

    salam
    // iman


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