a christian in the family

[eminemom]

salaam
there is so much drama in my family. my older brother is getting married to his christian girlfriend. my parents are so upset...they didnt even know he had a girlfriend! everyone in the family including all the uncles and elder cousins have tried to talk to him but he told them he is getting married and noone can convince him otherwise. my mom is crying all the time. my dad is all quiet. they have stated that they wont accept it or her under any conditions.
has anyone been in this situation? thanks

[yezzir]

my friend was in the same situation with his sister. everyone talked to her and she wouldnt listen to anyone, almost same exact situation. after a while they will realize how much they have to give up and go through to be together and how much it wont be worth it. just make sure you guys keep talking to him about it.

[Te'oma]

The prophet(SAW) said that it was allowed to marry a woman of the book. If the prophet(SAW) said that this was acceptable, who are we to say that it isn't?

[Lambo5688]

Salaam

My dad's cousin did the same thing.

The family was pretty upset...but in the end he got his way. The christian lady is actually very very nice and says Assalam Aleikum everytime you meet her.

They are happy together but he can never be as happy as he would have been with a muslim wife. He doesn't even get proper food at home...eats out most of the time.

But Mashallah they have three sons who happen to be extremely cute...and they love playing with me.

[abdalmajid]

Salaam

First of all I am sorry to hear that you are having problems in your family – may Allah (swt) make it easy for you and them.

Secondly we know from the book of Allah (swt) that we as Muslims are permitted to marry “People of the Book”. But some people of knowledge have said we can’t even say if these same people of the book actually exist in this day and age. We have so called Christians but they are just by name and nothing more.

In terms of your brothers marriage with this girl of his. If he does not listen to anyone then there is nothing that can be done. As you may know from Islam you need to have witness in the marriage. And the marriage can only be done from an Islamic point of view that is to say that an Imam needs to be there. If however there is no Imam then is null and void. But if you brother is insistent on with this marriage and it is okay for him to get married to this girl from Islam (i.e people of the book) then it is better for you to support him rather than make him sort of running away and leave the family.

What you need to do is talk to some people of knowledge regarding this marriage and how to go about it.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Your brother

Abdal Majid Ibn Muhammad Shafi

[eminemom]

thank you all for your responses. he is 100% convinced that he is marrying her. they even have a date for the wedding, will be having an imam there also, they talked to one also, they actually are in the process of buying a house together. my parents are really sooooo upset. they had so many dreams of him marrying and this is like their nightmare. my dad totally refuses to accept any of it. he feels so betrayed....my brother has been seeing the girl for awhile and hiding it, looking for a home and hiding it...
my mom is just heart broken. she loves my brother so much (my dad too) and doesnt know what to do. all of the male members of the family have talked to him...some have talked from experience, advise, threats, everything.
what to do now? my family is refusing to go to the wedding. they are refusing to accept the girl. do you think that over time they will just come to accept it? the girl is not planning on converting either...which is her choice but of course that makes it harder. what about their children in the future? it is just such a heartbreaking situation. my husband tried to talk to my brother and in the end he said that it was his decision. i feel like i am losing my brother. my dad doesnt want any of us to go to the wedding or talk to the girl. he forbids it. he feels if we do then we are saying it is ok and then all the other unmarried family members will do the same. this is the first time this has happened in all the family. also, it appears that my brother is very close to her family and fits right in. so my family feels kind of like he chose them over us. kwim?
i tried to talk to my mom and tell her islamicly that he is permitted to marry "people of the book" but it is not allowed to cut ties of family. she said that it is just hard to see your own child making such a huge mistake and being helpless . and also she feels so bad for my dad who is trying to be tough but is really just as broken hearted.
thanks again for all the responses. inshaAllah it will work out for everyone.

[.: hayat :.]

my friend was in the same situation with his sister. everyone talked to her and she wouldnt listen to anyone, almost same exact situation. after a while they will realize how much they have to give up and go through to be together and how much it wont be worth it. just make sure you guys keep talking to him about it.

his sister ...?but women r not allowed to marry a non muslim as muslim men can do......................:rubeyes:

[.: hayat :.]

Salaam

My dad's cousin did the same thing.

The family was pretty upset...but in the end he got his way. The christian lady is actually very very nice and says Assalam Aleikum everytime you meet her.

They are happy together but he can never be as happy as he would have been with a muslim wife. He doesn't even get proper food at home...eats out most of the time.
But Mashallah they have three sons who happen to be extremely cute...and they love playing with me.

there can bed also a muslim wife who do not make proper food...........

[`asiya]

The prophet(SAW) said that it was allowed to marry a woman of the book. If the prophet(SAW) said that this was acceptable, who are we to say that it isn't?

true bro but there are conditions to that and the christian woman should be chaste and not having boyfreinds, so this woman has been seeing him for some time then ...Allahu alam...and Allahu alam about the bro too because he has to sincerely repent from what he has been doing ....anyway if the wedding is happening,make sure she has a muslim walli to secure her islamic rights ( yes even christian women have them) and two witnesses or the marriage will not be valid.

I dont see any point in being horrible to the woman, using emotional blackmail, and not attending the wedding etc. is not Islamic behaviour surely the best thing to do is show her the example of true Islam, and welcome her to the family and show this girl that we muslims dont hold predudices insha allah the more you show her the true Islam the more likely it is that she maybe guided insha Allah ta ala.

she will also be the mother of his children, and they will be grandchildren to his parents, so best to build the bonds now insha Allah ta ala or there is a strong possibility that she will not want to raise any of the children as muslims and if the muslims who should be her new family disown her, and their own son, then what chance of that, as you maybe the only example she has of muslim behaviour.

subhanallah may Allah ta ala guide the muslimeen amin

[abdalmajid]

thank you all for your responses. he is 100% convinced that he is marrying her. they even have a date for the wedding, will be having an imam there also, they talked to one also, they actually are in the process of buying a house together. my parents are really sooooo upset. they had so many dreams of him marrying and this is like their nightmare. my dad totally refuses to accept any of it. he feels so betrayed....my brother has been seeing the girl for awhile and hiding it, looking for a home and hiding it...
my mom is just heart broken. she loves my brother so much (my dad too) and doesnt know what to do. all of the male members of the family have talked to him...some have talked from experience, advise, threats, everything.
what to do now? my family is refusing to go to the wedding. they are refusing to accept the girl. do you think that over time they will just come to accept it? the girl is not planning on converting either...which is her choice but of course that makes it harder. what about their children in the future? it is just such a heartbreaking situation. my husband tried to talk to my brother and in the end he said that it was his decision. i feel like i am losing my brother. my dad doesnt want any of us to go to the wedding or talk to the girl. he forbids it. he feels if we do then we are saying it is ok and then all the other unmarried family members will do the same. this is the first time this has happened in all the family. also, it appears that my brother is very close to her family and fits right in. so my family feels kind of like he chose them over us. kwim?
i tried to talk to my mom and tell her islamicly that he is permitted to marry "people of the book" but it is not allowed to cut ties of family. she said that it is just hard to see your own child making such a huge mistake and being helpless . and also she feels so bad for my dad who is trying to be tough but is really just as broken hearted.
thanks again for all the responses. inshaAllah it will work out for everyone.

Salaam my dear sister

All you can do is make dua to Allah (swt).

The mistake that your brother did is to hide everything from your parents, which is what has made things even worse. Over time your mum and dad may accept it but this is something that will take a very long time indeed. And if the girls does not become Muslims this is bad news and your brother should put a full stop just because of that. What religion will the children be? If they turn out to be non-Muslims your brother can not do anything about that at all.

It does not seem to me that he has really thought about what he is doing and what the future holds for him. The reason why your brother fits in so nicely in to her family is that they are non-Muslims and being non-Muslims they don’t ask for anything at all, on the other hand we as Asians ask for everything on the earth and more so your in-laws can fit in.

These cutting the ties thing as you know is wrong, but you have to think very very carefully about what you want to do and whose side you want to take in all this.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Your Brother

Abdal Majid Ibn Muhammad Shafi

[aamilah]

well if theyre marrying regardless, its important for you to keep in touch with your brother and his wife.

I say this because if you dont or nobody else from your family does, theres the risk of losing them completely. Its important now that you get to know this woman and do some serious dawah inshaAllaah and leave the rest to Allaah swt. You cant ignore him! You said he fits rite in the other side, this is a big concern... and a bigger reason for you NOT to lose ties with him.

Allaahu Alam

[Cristiana]

Hello everybody,

I am "the christian in the family" - or better - I am about to be. I haven't met my fiance's family yet but they sound thrilled about me despite my religion.
However, rather than "the christian in the family" I would prefer to be simply the woman that my fiance loves and that loves him.
He won't just be "the muslim in the family" when he marries me...


If I embrace our differences, know Islam deeply, raise my children muslim, learn Arabic, etc... why can't I be as good a wife as any muslim woman?

What in your opinion makes a good wife?

IS BEING "A GOOD WIFE" TO MUSLIM MAN DIFFERENT FROM JUST BEING A GOOD WIFE?

I am not being polemic I honestly need to hear your opinion on this. In interfaith relationship both sides have fears, and so far I only know the fears of one side.

Ciao

[neels]

Although it is not a recommended or ideal situation, he can marry her and she is not obliged to change her religion BUT if they have children, they MUST be brought up as Muslims. Find out how important that is to him. Does he take Islam seriously himself? If he does, then you might have a chance to at least convince him of how important that is and see if she agrees to that. If she does not agree to that then it might automatically place some doubts in his mind about the relationship. If he does not take Islam all that seriously himself (I don't just mean whether he prays or fasts, I mean whether his THINKING is on the right track where halal and haraam are concerned at least) then I think there's no chance of convincing him to do the right thing.

[kanize]

I cant say I know what your going through but I did see similar situation takeing place. My sinciere advice is that make lots of dua for ur brother, and have someone who he respects talk to him, also buying time like six months or telling him to wait eieght months if possible is a real good idea. Bcoz if the relationship isn't strong then it will fizzle out in few months. But b strong as u are, and keep on counciling ur parents and know that you can only try ur best the rest is up to ALLAH(SWT)..thats my humble advice.. ...

[anom]

thank you all for your responses. he is 100% convinced that he is marrying her. they even have a date for the wedding, will be having an imam there also, they talked to one also, they actually are in the process of buying a house together. my parents are really sooooo upset. they had so many dreams of him marrying and this is like their nightmare. my dad totally refuses to accept any of it. he feels so betrayed....my brother has been seeing the girl for awhile and hiding it, looking for a home and hiding it...
my mom is just heart broken. she loves my brother so much (my dad too) and doesnt know what to do. all of the male members of the family have talked to him...some have talked from experience, advise, threats, everything.
what to do now? my family is refusing to go to the wedding. they are refusing to accept the girl. do you think that over time they will just come to accept it? the girl is not planning on converting either...which is her choice but of course that makes it harder. what about their children in the future? it is just such a heartbreaking situation. my husband tried to talk to my brother and in the end he said that it was his decision. i feel like i am losing my brother. my dad doesnt want any of us to go to the wedding or talk to the girl. he forbids it. he feels if we do then we are saying it is ok and then all the other unmarried family members will do the same. this is the first time this has happened in all the family. also, it appears that my brother is very close to her family and fits right in. so my family feels kind of like he chose them over us. kwim?
i tried to talk to my mom and tell her islamicly that he is permitted to marry "people of the book" but it is not allowed to cut ties of family. she said that it is just hard to see your own child making such a huge mistake and being helpless . and also she feels so bad for my dad who is trying to be tough but is really just as broken hearted.
thanks again for all the responses. inshaAllah it will work out for everyone.

should be aloud to marry whoever he wants!

[Leena_Cnd]

Although it is not a recommended or ideal situation, he can marry her and she is not obliged to change her religion BUT if they have children, they MUST be brought up as Muslims. Find out how important that is to him.
These are important issues.
How is he going to respond later, . . . if his wife insists his children be educated
in a private chistian school:rubeyes:.
Some how I don't think he has thought it through.
. . . like they say, love can be blind.
I would straight out ask him, how is he planning to educate his children ?
This point alone could cause
marriage problems/conflict in the future ;
so much so, it could leave the children unhappy. :(
.
.

[eminemom]

Hello everybody,

I am "the christian in the family" - or better - I am about to be. I haven't met my fiance's family yet but they sound thrilled about me despite my religion.
However, rather than "the christian in the family" I would prefer to be simply the woman that my fiance loves and that loves him.
He won't just be "the muslim in the family" when he marries me...


If I embrace our differences, know Islam deeply, raise my children muslim, learn Arabic, etc... why can't I be as good a wife as any muslim woman?

What in your opinion makes a good wife?

IS BEING "A GOOD WIFE" TO MUSLIM MAN DIFFERENT FROM JUST BEING A GOOD WIFE?

I am not being polemic I honestly need to hear your opinion on this. In interfaith relationship both sides have fears, and so far I only know the fears of one side.

Ciao

peace cristiana
i am truly sorry if i have offended you, that was not my intent at all. my family has never dealt with this situation before so i was looking for some others experience. i love my brother very much and i am sure that the woman who he is marrying will be a good wife and partner to him, inshAllah, as he loves and respects her very much....so much so as to go through all this turmoil with the family. he doesnt want to choose between his fiance and his family.
i have no experience with interfaith marriages but i am sure that it could be a happy union with much love since it is not forbidden for muslim men to marry "people of the book". it is not about being a good wife or not, as that is really up to personal views, as long as there is no haram being done. at times i am sure my husband might not think i am being a good wife, as we are human and have bad days...but i try.
my point in seeking advise is helping my family deal with this. every parent has expectations and hopes for their child and want what they think is best for their child. to them, marrying a muslim woman would be the ideal and now that they are shockingly aware that it will not be happening they are disappointed and sad and scared.
again i am sorry if my posts have upset or offended you. inshAllah your marriage is happy, loving and good. all the best.

thank you everybody for your comments and advise. i truly appreciate taking the time and being so kind and considerate.
happy last days of ramadan!

[Cristiana]

peace cristiana
i am truly sorry if i have offended you, that was not my intent at all. my family has never dealt with this situation before so i was looking for some others experience. i love my brother very much and i am sure that the woman who he is marrying will be a good wife and partner to him, inshAllah, as he loves and respects her very much....so much so as to go through all this turmoil with the family. he doesnt want to choose between his fiance and his family.
i have no experience with interfaith marriages but i am sure that it could be a happy union with much love since it is not forbidden for muslim men to marry "people of the book". it is not about being a good wife or not, as that is really up to personal views, as long as there is no haram being done. at times i am sure my husband might not think i am being a good wife, as we are human and have bad days...but i try.
my point in seeking advise is helping my family deal with this. every parent has expectations and hopes for their child and want what they think is best for their child. to them, marrying a muslim woman would be the ideal and now that they are shockingly aware that it will not be happening they are disappointed and sad and scared.
again i am sorry if my posts have upset or offended you. inshAllah your marriage is happy, loving and good. all the best.

thank you everybody for your comments and advise. i truly appreciate taking the time and being so kind and considerate.
happy last days of ramadan!

You didn't offend me:) and (as frustrating as I may find it sometimes) I do understand the fears of parents...

Now I am the one who's sorry for sounding upset... I'm just very passionate about the issue.

I wish you and your family all the best:) and I'll remember you in my prayers

[sisterKhadija]

thank you all for your responses. he is 100% convinced that he is marrying her. they even have a date for the wedding, will be having an imam there also, they talked to one also, they actually are in the process of buying a house together. my parents are really sooooo upset. they had so many dreams of him marrying and this is like their nightmare. my dad totally refuses to accept any of it. he feels so betrayed....my brother has been seeing the girl for awhile and hiding it, looking for a home and hiding it...
my mom is just heart broken. she loves my brother so much (my dad too) and doesnt know what to do. all of the male members of the family have talked to him...some have talked from experience, advise, threats, everything.
what to do now? my family is refusing to go to the wedding. they are refusing to accept the girl. do you think that over time they will just come to accept it? the girl is not planning on converting either...which is her choice but of course that makes it harder. what about their children in the future? it is just such a heartbreaking situation. my husband tried to talk to my brother and in the end he said that it was his decision. i feel like i am losing my brother. my dad doesnt want any of us to go to the wedding or talk to the girl. he forbids it. he feels if we do then we are saying it is ok and then all the other unmarried family members will do the same. this is the first time this has happened in all the family. also, it appears that my brother is very close to her family and fits right in. so my family feels kind of like he chose them over us. kwim?
i tried to talk to my mom and tell her islamicly that he is permitted to marry "people of the book" but it is not allowed to cut ties of family. she said that it is just hard to see your own child making such a huge mistake and being helpless . and also she feels so bad for my dad who is trying to be tough but is really just as broken hearted.
thanks again for all the responses. inshaAllah it will work out for everyone.


Then think of all the rewards the family will receive to bring her into the family by accepting who she is. Allah guided her to her Fiance for a reason.

If it wasn't for my Husband, I may never have converted. Allah guided me to him and then guided me to Islam. Over the next few years she will learn so much more about Islam and probably convert. That is why men can marry others of the book to help them to convert and have more Muslim children to fill up our Ummah.

Allah guided their love and will guide them spiritually

[Unregistered7]

Well to put another little spin on the topic....I am dealing with the same thing in my family except we are the Christians and my 18 year old daughter has chosen a Muslim man to date....she has also recently converted to Islam......I struggle daily with her choice to abandon her faith that was such a strong presence in her life....she has become increasingly withdrawn and no matter how much her father and I try to understand where she is coming from she continues to shut us out. I also struggle with having her boyfriend in our lives because he has been rude and extremely disrespectful to my husband and I. They claim to have found self awareness, my daughter claims it came specifically through Islam in less than a month. She chooses to wear the hijab in public and around unrelated men. She seems almost rebellious in her new faith and claims that she is happier than she has ever been. It was my understanding that in Islamic culture dating is prohibited and pre marital sex is forbidden as it is in Christianity.....but the take part in both dating and sexual relations...specifically intercourse....My fear is that my daughter is very impressionable and soon I will be finding out that she secretly got married....Some of this fear comes from hearing about her boyfriends brother who is secretly married to a young lady from Russia and his father doesn't know...It also beothers me that she has not been allowed to be introduced to his father.....Some of his siblings know about her but she has not yet met any of them....I am scared that my daughter is getting herself into a relationship and culture that she really doesn't know much about and is pretending to convert to make this young man happy. Any insight or advice will be greatly appreciated.

[sisterKhadija]

Well to put another little spin on the topic....I am dealing with the same thing in my family except we are the Christians and my 18 year old daughter has chosen a Muslim man to date....she has also recently converted to Islam......I struggle daily with her choice to abandon her faith that was such a strong presence in her life....she has become increasingly withdrawn and no matter how much her father and I try to understand where she is coming from she continues to shut us out. I also struggle with having her boyfriend in our lives because he has been rude and extremely disrespectful to my husband and I. They claim to have found self awareness, my daughter claims it came specifically through Islam in less than a month. She chooses to wear the hijab in public and around unrelated men. She seems almost rebellious in her new faith and claims that she is happier than she has ever been. It was my understanding that in Islamic culture dating is prohibited and pre marital sex is forbidden as it is in Christianity.....but the take part in both dating and sexual relations...specifically intercourse....My fear is that my daughter is very impressionable and soon I will be finding out that she secretly got married....Some of this fear comes from hearing about her boyfriends brother who is secretly married to a young lady from Russia and his father doesn't know...It also beothers me that she has not been allowed to be introduced to his father.....Some of his siblings know about her but she has not yet met any of them....I am scared that my daughter is getting herself into a relationship and culture that she really doesn't know much about and is pretending to convert to make this young man happy. Any insight or advice will be greatly appreciated.


Peace be with you,

Well, so far it doesnt sound good if he acts liek that. That is not-Islamic.

To show her how much you love and respect her, I suggest calling a Family meeting with her, and you, him, and his parents. Bring over an Imam to help the family's understanding. Read all the Marriage section on http://www.muslimconverts.com to learn the truth of Islam and the Marriage section especailly. Also pick up the book "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Koran". You will learn so much and will help her.

Peace and blessings,
SisterKhadija

[Habeebah]

Prophet Muhammad was married to a christian woman, Maria the coptic..

that should be enough to make your parents feel better, but I suppose my parents would react the same if my brother did something like this, I don't mind it anyway

[Abu Hasim]

marrying ahl kitaab is halal but not if their Zaani, which 95% are. In any case I couldn't marry someone who lies against allah azza wa jalle saying he is three jesus is god ect. In my opinion the woman lacks sincerity, truthfulness or intelligence

[cecieby]

can you find the thread i lost