For all brothes and sisters

[some dude]

I have 2 questions:

1. Who decides how much dowry to give?
2. What is the average amount to give?

If anyone here is married, how much did you give, or how much did you receive?

This is very important for me, so any replies I will appreciate it very much.

[.: Anna :.]

the sister decides how much she wants to ask for, so because of that it varies. the average I dont know. some people ask something v small like £50 some people ask car, house and £10,000...

[sisterKhadija]

InshAllah this will help:


Dowry in Quran


I seek refuge in GOD, from Satan the rejected
In the name of GOD, Most Gracious and Most Merciful

Salamun Alaykum
>> the word Dowry. What is its Quranic meaning implied and applied and give an example there of?<<
The following verses from the Quran will, God willing, enable us to understand the word 'Dowry' as per God’s laws. The relevant words have been highlighted for emphasis.
[4:4]
You shall give the women their due dowries, equitably. If they willingly forfeit anything, then you may accept it; it is rightfully yours.
Mutual Attraction And Dowry Required
[4:24]
Also prohibited are the women who are already married, unless they flee their disbelieving husbands who are at war with you. These are GOD's commandments to you. All other categories are permitted for you in marriage, so long as you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain your morality, by not committing adultery. Thus, whoever you like among them, you shall pay them the dowry decreed for them. You commit no error by mutually agreeing to any adjustments to the dowry. GOD is Omniscient, Most Wise.

[4:25]
Those among you who cannot afford to marry free believing women, may marry believing slave women. GOD knows best about our belief, and you are equal to one another, as far as belief is concerned. You shall obtain permission from their guardians before you marry them, and pay them their due dowry equitably. They shall maintain moral behavior, by not committing adultery, or having secret lovers. Once they are freed through marriage, if they commit adultery, their punishment shall be half of that for the free women. Marrying a slave shall be a last resort for those unable to wait. To be patient is better for you. GOD is Forgiver, Most Merciful.

[5:5]
Today, all good food is made lawful for you. The food of the people of the scripture is lawful for you. Also, you may marry the chaste women among the believers, as well as the chaste women among the followers of previous scripture, provided you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain chastity, not committing adultery, nor taking secret lovers. Anyone who rejects faith, all his work will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be with the losers.

[33:50]
O prophet, we made lawful for you your wives to whom you have paid their due dowry, or what you already have, as granted to you by GOD. Also lawful for you in marriage are the daughters of your father's brothers, the daughters of your father's sisters, the daughters of your mother's brothers, the daughters of your mother's sisters, who have emigrated with you. Also, if a believing woman gave herself to the prophet - by forfeiting the dowry - the prophet may marry her without a dowry, if he so wishes. However, her forfeiting of the dowry applies only to the prophet, and not to the other believers. We have already decreed their rights in regard to their spouses or what they already have. This is to spare you any embarrassment. GOD is Forgiver, Most Merciful.

[60:10]
O you who believe, when believing women (abandon the enemy and) ask for asylum with you, you shall test them. GOD is fully aware of their belief. Once you establish that they are believers, you shall not return them to the disbelievers. They are not lawful to remain married to them, nor shall the disbelievers be allowed to marry them. Give back the dowries that the disbelievers have paid. You commit no error by marrying them, so long as you pay them their due dowries. Do not keep disbelieving wives (if they wish to join the enemy). You may ask them for the dowry you had paid, and they may ask for what they paid. This is GOD's rule; He rules among you. GOD is Omniscient, Most Wise.
From the above we learn that:

dowry is a pre-requisite for a marriage,
is to be paid by husband to his wife,
should be equitable,
the husband and wife can mutually make any adjustment to the dowry,
forfeiting of the dowry does not apply to believers.Although one cannot find in the Quran any direct support for payment of dowry in cash only, dowry cannot be something that does not have a monetary value. It cannot be love, honesty, being faithful, etc., which are anyway traits of righteous people. If it could be something that does not have monetary value, following and many other verses would be rendered inapplicable:
[2:237]
If you divorce them before touching them, but after you had set the dowry for them, the compensation shall be half the dowry, unless they voluntarily forfeit their rights, or the party responsible for causing the divorce chooses to forfeit the dowry. To forfeit is closer to righteousness. You shall maintain the amicable relations among you. GOD is Seer of everything you do.

[60:10]
… You may ask them for the dowry you had paid, and they may ask for what they paid. This is GOD's rule; He rules among you. GOD is Omniscient, Most Wise.

What is an equitable dowry is what one has to assess for himself. It depends on case to case. The rich as he can afford and the poor as he can. This should not be abused for God will hold us responsible for our innermost intention. When we are committing our deeds with an intention to please Him, He will guide us to do the right thing.
Although one may get a feeling that there is an escape to dowry in view of verse 4:4 - You shall give the women their due dowries, equitably. If they willingly forfeit anything, then you may accept it; it is rightfully yours., it is actually not so.
Let us see some other verses in this regard.

[2:229]
Divorce may be retracted twice. The divorced woman shall be allowed to live in the same home amicably, or leave it amicably. It is not lawful for the husband to take back anything he had given her. However, the couple may fear that they may transgress GOD's law. If there is fear that they may transgress GOD's law, they commit no error if the wife willingly gives back whatever she chooses. These are GOD's laws; do not transgress them. Those who transgress GOD's laws are the unjust.
Protection for Women
[4:20-21]
If you wish to marry another wife, in place of your present wife, and you had given any of them a great deal, you shall not take back anything you had given her. Would you take it fraudulently, maliciously, and sinfully? How could you take it back, after you have been intimate with each other, and they had taken from you a solemn pledge?
The above verses makes it abundantly clear that it is not righteous to take back the dowry unless one is completely overcome by certain circumstances.
An example of dowry from the Quran could be that of Moses.
[28:27-28]
He said, "I wish to offer one of my two daughters for you to marry, in return for working for me for eight pilgrimages; if you make them ten, it will be voluntary on your part. I do not wish to make this matter too difficult for you. You will find me, GOD willing, righteous." He said, "It is an agreement between me and you. Whichever period I fulfill, you will not be averse to either one. GOD is the guarantor of what we said."
Peace

http://www.masjidtucson.org/submission/perspectives/more/family/marriage/dowry.html

[some dude]

Lets say she asks for £5000 + a house. What if you can't afford that? Is that a good basis not to get married to her family is not willing to comprimise?

Also, is there any quran or hadith evidence that she gets to choose how much she gets? I always thought of it as a present from the husband, and normally the person receiving the present does not get to choose it!

?

[zaki]

dowry isn't always about money, remember you give what you can afford. if you can afford a house, land etc thats up to you, but if its something like a copy of the quran, you give what you can give.

[neels]

Whatever the amount is, it should take into account the guy's earnings. I personally think asking for whatever he earns in 2-3 months is fair (unless he's struggling on a living from paycheque to paycheque basis), a lot depends on the circumstances.

[sunrise]

the sister decides how much she wants to ask for, so because of that it varies. the average I dont know. some people ask something v small like £50 some people ask car, house and £10,000...

Salam

WOW u serious blimey!...i mean unless the sister is marrying some king of surgeon doctor does she want to paralyse his acounts before they get married ? wow again

Sunrise

[Fuchsia]

It really does depend on the individual. I have qualifications and experience to work so would be less worried about finanical security than a sister who would not. I would therefore ask for something like a set of jewellery that I can use rather than money. Obviously I would be entitled to ask for money, but I don't like the idea of haggling over the amount etc, like one is being bought- some people take it to extreme and I would rather my marriage be as little of a burden as possible.

[Supernova Nebula]

I agree with Fuchsia, marriage is about barakah and blessings from Allah... not a show, the less burdening to both parties the better.

[Unregistered2]

well, im marraied.my brother was marreid b4 me. he paied my sis-inlaw 10,000.so when i was getting married my hus's family wanted to know how much my bro gave and we were like 10,000. so my hus's family agreed on that same amount for me too.

yea like some sisters said,it can be anything,money,land,or i no some ppl who go to Hajj together, the hus takes her to Hajj......

[some dude]

ok but what happens if she asks for an amount you cannot afford, and her family is not willing to comprimise, do we break off the marriage?

[.: Anna :.]

it is not up to her family to chose the amount, it is up to her...
if she herself asked for an amount u cnt afford, then yeh... its finished then. if they are asking or trying to tell her to ask, she will hav 2 sort it out with them

[some dude]

it is not up to her family to chose the amount, it is up to her...
if she herself asked for an amount u cnt afford, then yeh... its finished then. if they are asking or trying to tell her to ask, she will hav 2 sort it out with them

yes its her family. they want around £6k plus a house plus a big wedding...

[Eemaan]

i think i read somewhere, correct me if im wrong, that the woman who gives up her dowry and returns it to her husband is one of the women of jannah. can someone clarify this as i would love to know:) sorry for thread hijacking :torture:

[**blu eyez**]

im neva gettin married :zzz:

[Fais]

yes its her family. they want around £6k plus a house plus a big wedding...

Err .... £6k a house + a big wedding???

Unless you got the money dont give in lol. I wouldn't coz thats rediculous..

Money's fine, big wedding is questionable ... but whats with the house? You obviously aint going to be living on the streets and if you live somwhere she will be living with you? Just stupid IMO.

[Medievalist]

The Mahr is a gift from the husband to the wife - it doesnt have to run into a huge amount. Generally we were taught that families in indo-pak have their own rough mahr figure and this can be recognised by finding out what the mahr was for a ladies mother, maternal aunts, older sisters, maternal grandmother etc.

In ours when we get married to first cousins the mahr is usually 32 rupees.

[sisterKhadija]

I STRONGLY SUGGEST WATCHING THIS VIDEO AND SHARING IT WITH THE FAMILY!


It is funny BUT HAS A MAJOR POINT!

http://ummahfilms.blogspot.com/2006/06/videoblog-3-25000-muslim-weddings.html

I felt guilty after watching it.

[some dude]

The Mahr is a gift from the husband to the wife - it doesnt have to run into a huge amount. Generally we were taught that families in indo-pak have their own rough mahr figure and this can be recognised by finding out what the mahr was for a ladies mother, maternal aunts, older sisters, maternal grandmother etc.

In ours when we get married to first cousins the mahr is usually 32 rupees.

what is the purpose and meaning of mahr?

[some dude]

I STRONGLY SUGGEST WATCHING THIS VIDEO AND SHARING IT WITH THE FAMILY!


It is funny BUT HAS A MAJOR POINT!

http://ummahfilms.blogspot.com/2006/06/videoblog-3-25000-muslim-weddings.html

I felt guilty after watching it.

I like! :D

now i have to some how get her to agree apon a total cost of £5000 including wedding, mahr, food, cloths everything :D

[awwabah]

I think that if you can't afford the mahr/dowry that is being asked and you tell them you can't afford this and they are insistent, then brother that's it.
Call off the wedding.

It might be their nice way of telling you they don't want you in their family.

Also usually it's not just the family that says they want this,after all it's not going into their pockets, the bride has a lot of say in the dowry and evn if she doesn't know anything about it, when she realises you can't afford this and she really wants you then she'll get her family thinking her way, if they're adamant, call off the wedding,there are lots of women in this world, and many of them aren't going to cripple you before you're wed, think of after the wedding if she's like this now, what will she be like afterwards?

Shall she insist on things you can't afford later on? Shall you resign yourself to living in debt? I hope not.

Tell them the truth, always be honest, and do istikharah every single night, some people just think one does istikharah just to get ingaged and don't realise that it's right up to the wedding day and on that day too.

Good luck

wa salam alaykum

[some dude]

I think that if you can't afford the mahr/dowry that is being asked and you tell them you can't afford this and they are insistent, then brother that's it.
Call off the wedding.

It might be their nice way of telling you they don't want you in their family.

Also usually it's not just the family that says they want this,after all it's not going into their pockets, the bride has a lot of say in the dowry and evn if she doesn't know anything about it, when she realises you can't afford this and she really wants you then she'll get her family thinking her way, if they're adamant, call off the wedding,there are lots of women in this world, and many of them aren't going to cripple you before you're wed, think of after the wedding if she's like this now, what will she be like afterwards?

Shall she insist on things you can't afford later on? Shall you resign yourself to living in debt? I hope not.

Tell them the truth, always be honest, and do istikharah every single night, some people just think one does istikharah just to get ingaged and don't realise that it's right up to the wedding day and on that day too.

Good luck

wa salam alaykum

Jazakalah Khair

Ok, the maximum I can afford is about £3000 and that is stretching it. But that includes EVERYTHING, mahr, gold, wedding, food, cloths, invite cards and so on...

I will let her know inshallah