Need Help!!

[Female]

Asslama-o-alikom ,
I am a new member to this forum. Right now i am going through the worst mental torture i have ever had in my life uptill now. I will try my situation in the best possible way, starting with a little introduction of myself.I really want the muslim borthers and sisters in this forum to help me on the best way they can.
I am a 21 yrs old girl, a university student, living independently in a north american city. I met a guy in my first year of university. I started meeting him for study purposes. I try to follow Islam to the best i can. After several meetings, he came to know that i am a religious kind of girl. He always gave me an impression that he follows Islam to some extent. But after about an year or so he told me that he is interested in me and loves me. At that moment he told me that he drinks alcohol, goes to clubs,does not care to eat halal food and that he lied to me before.That was a real shock for me as i had always trusted him as a good and helping friend of mine. At that time, I decided to end up the friendship at once and i told him that as he had lied to me, I could not be his friend any more.

I ended up without any further talking to him. He continued to e-mail me and sometimes called me for about 6 months or so. I always talked to him to the point. One day he wanted me to meet him and it was very urgent. I don't know for what reason i went to see him. There he told me his life story, his family troubles and financial problems etc. I had no clue why he wanted me to listen to all this. And then he again said to me that i like you very much, you can change me to a better person as you are a good muslim and things like that. He started weeping in front of me as if begging me to be his friend. I said OK maybe because i had sympathy for him. After this meeting, i started talking to him ,meeting him and studying together with him with an intention to make him a better person. He left smoking and drinking because i forced him a lot . I do not know whether that was a good way to do so or not. The more i met him, the more i started liking him. There came a point when i thought that maybe we will decide about our future together. He never seemed interested in discussing this matter. My parents back home got a purposal from a family friends of ours. I told him about that purposal because i wanted him to give me atleast some kind of assurance before i can talk to my parents. He never gave me any positive response.

I was in this confusion that suddenly I found a book on internet named as"Romanticism as a weapon of satan by Harun Yahya" The website address is as follows
http://www.harunyahya.com/romanticism1.php

I went through this book and discussed it with a good friend of mine and figured out that what i had been doing for so long was wrong, totally forbidden in Islam. I felt very guilty and depressed and got so confused . I didnot know what to do and where to go. This friend of mine helped me a lot with my situation supporting me morally and telling me islamic teachings about this issue. I prayed to Allah to help me. I asked that guy not to call me or contact me for a few days. I do not know whether that was the rite way to handle that situation or not. And then i went through some more of the books on the internet and made up my mind to leave all this relationship and go for what my parents will decide about my future life.

I called that guy and told him that I am not interested in him any more and i will go with my parent's decision. I didnot explain him about the whole situation i went through. As he is not that religious, i found it as wastage of time explaining him islamic views on romanticism etc. I prayed to Allah to get normal psychologically. And With the grace of Allah, I went out of the situation very soon. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible so as not to think about him. Alhamdullilah, it proved to be very successful.

After 2 or 3 weeks i was invited by a friend of mine at her place. That guy and another good friend of him came to meet me. The whole meeting was arranged to persuade me to talk to my parents atleast once about this guy. They were thinking as if i am taking this decision due to some kind of pressure from my parents. But the main reason was that,after realizing that what i had been doing for so long was totally wrong, my mind and my heart were never accepting him as my future husband. The main reason being him not a religious person ( atleast to the extent i am) and secondly the romance or the love affair we were having was wrong and a sin. I said to them that as if he was never interested in talking to his parents, why should i talk?. But i didnot tell them the actual reason. I lied to them for the sake of getting out from this situation. was that OK???

A few days after this meeting, he called me and begged me to atleast talk to my elder brother, later 2 more friends called me and told me that the guy(who loves me) is very upset and depressed these days and this is all because i rejected him suddenly without any good reason. They told me that he weeps a lot and cant eat and sleep well. Their whole point was to make me feel sympythetic towards him. I called him and said that i will talk to my elder brother just for the sake of getting him out of this situation. I never talked to my elder brother because as i have told you earlier, i am not interested in him any more. But i lied again to him by saying ,yah , i talked to my brother and he has said not to talk to my parents. was that lie ok??. I am sure of one thing that had i talked to my parents or my brother, they would have atleast allowed his parents to come to my home with a purposal. But i donot want this at all. I don't like him any more and i feel as if i have never loved him.

I still sometimes talk to him just to know how he is. As both of us have some mutual friends so i do not want to end up the friendship at once. I want to know what i have done was according to Islam or not? had i done anything wrong can u please guide me?Do u suggest me to allow him to send a proposal through his parents to my parents?should i continue talking to him or not? can u tell me what duas or ibadat can i make to ask for Allah's mercy for what i have done?

One of my friends wants to know what are the boundaries within which a male/female can talk/meet to non mehram? And if he/she likes someone who is a good muslim, can he/she go and tell him/her? Is there a possiblity for a muslim girl to purpose a muslim guy or is it always a guy to approach a girl according to Islam??

I am keenly waitng for suggestions from you all.
please help me.

[MMeta]

Dear Female,

You simply listened to too many people at once, which means more than one person, yourself. Have you ever heard the colloquial saying, "Too many cooks spoil the broth"?

MMeta :up:

[islamirama]

Asslama-o-alikom ,
I am a new member to this forum. Right now i am going through the worst mental torture i have ever had in my life uptill now. I will try my situation in the best possible way, starting with a little introduction of myself.I really want the muslim borthers and sisters in this forum to help me on the best way they can.
I am a 21 yrs old girl, a university student, living independently in a north american city. I met a guy in my first year of university. I started meeting him for study purposes. I try to follow Islam to the best i can. After several meetings, he came to know that i am a religious kind of girl. He always gave me an impression that he follows Islam to some extent. But after about an year or so he told me that he is interested in me and loves me. At that moment he told me that he drinks alcohol, goes to clubs,does not care to eat halal food and that he lied to me before.That was a real shock for me as i had always trusted him as a good and helping friend of mine. At that time, I decided to end up the friendship at once and i told him that as he had lied to me, I could not be his friend any more.

I ended up without any further talking to him. He continued to e-mail me and sometimes called me for about 6 months or so. I always talked to him to the point. One day he wanted me to meet him and it was very urgent. I don't know for what reason i went to see him. There he told me his life story, his family troubles and financial problems etc. I had no clue why he wanted me to listen to all this. And then he again said to me that i like you very much, you can change me to a better person as you are a good muslim and things like that. He started weeping in front of me as if begging me to be his friend. I said OK maybe because i had sympathy for him. After this meeting, i started talking to him ,meeting him and studying together with him with an intention to make him a better person. He left smoking and drinking because i forced him a lot . I do not know whether that was a good way to do so or not. The more i met him, the more i started liking him. There came a point when i thought that maybe we will decide about our future together. He never seemed interested in discussing this matter. My parents back home got a purposal from a family friends of ours. I told him about that purposal because i wanted him to give me atleast some kind of assurance before i can talk to my parents. He never gave me any positive response.

I was in this confusion that suddenly I found a book on internet named as"Romanticism as a weapon of satan by Harun Yahya" The website address is as follows
http://www.harunyahya.com/romanticism1.php

I went through this book and discussed it with a good friend of mine and figured out that what i had been doing for so long was wrong, totally forbidden in Islam. I felt very guilty and depressed and got so confused . I didnot know what to do and where to go. This friend of mine helped me a lot with my situation supporting me morally and telling me islamic teachings about this issue. I prayed to Allah to help me. I asked that guy not to call me or contact me for a few days. I do not know whether that was the rite way to handle that situation or not. And then i went through some more of the books on the internet and made up my mind to leave all this relationship and go for what my parents will decide about my future life.

I called that guy and told him that I am not interested in him any more and i will go with my parent's decision. I didnot explain him about the whole situation i went through. As he is not that religious, i found it as wastage of time explaining him islamic views on romanticism etc. I prayed to Allah to get normal psychologically. And With the grace of Allah, I went out of the situation very soon. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible so as not to think about him. Alhamdullilah, it proved to be very successful.

After 2 or 3 weeks i was invited by a friend of mine at her place. That guy and another good friend of him came to meet me. The whole meeting was arranged to persuade me to talk to my parents atleast once about this guy. They were thinking as if i am taking this decision due to some kind of pressure from my parents. But the main reason was that,after realizing that what i had been doing for so long was totally wrong, my mind and my heart were never accepting him as my future husband. The main reason being him not a religious person ( atleast to the extent i am) and secondly the romance or the love affair we were having was wrong and a sin. I said to them that as if he was never interested in talking to his parents, why should i talk?. But i didnot tell them the actual reason. I lied to them for the sake of getting out from this situation. was that OK???

A few days after this meeting, he called me and begged me to atleast talk to my elder brother, later 2 more friends called me and told me that the guy(who loves me) is very upset and depressed these days and this is all because i rejected him suddenly without any good reason. They told me that he weeps a lot and cant eat and sleep well. Their whole point was to make me feel sympythetic towards him. I called him and said that i will talk to my elder brother just for the sake of getting him out of this situation. I never talked to my elder brother because as i have told you earlier, i am not interested in him any more. But i lied again to him by saying ,yah , i talked to my brother and he has said not to talk to my parents. was that lie ok??. I am sure of one thing that had i talked to my parents or my brother, they would have atleast allowed his parents to come to my home with a purposal. But i donot want this at all. I don't like him any more and i feel as if i have never loved him.

I still sometimes talk to him just to know how he is. As both of us have some mutual friends so i do not want to end up the friendship at once. I want to know what i have done was according to Islam or not? had i done anything wrong can u please guide me?Do u suggest me to allow him to send a proposal through his parents to my parents?should i continue talking to him or not? can u tell me what duas or ibadat can i make to ask for Allah's mercy for what i have done?

I am keenly waitng for suggestions from you all.
please help me.

Allah commanded in the Quran to marry your own kind. Let the zinaye marry a zinaye, an adultress marry an adultress and hence forth. The love relationship you had going on was haraam and not permitted at all nor the socializing you did sitting together and getting together all the time. When you two are alone the 3rd is a shaytan. This is why i don't like Muslims living on campus and going to universities far from their house becuase they have no mahrams to watch over them nor anyone to see what they get into.

If he wants to become a better person then he needs to repent to Allah for his haraam habits and break away from them. He should do all this for the sake of Allah not for some person. As for you friends, they need to quite pestureing you to get with him, they are ignorant in islam and are thinking without proper knowledge and trying to force him onto you.

As for you, I wouldn't have lied to get him off my back but rather just told him the truth straight up and if he's too weak to handle it then he has problems and needs to get those problems resloved. You don't need a weak man who you'll be babysitting all your life. Anyways, what's done is done and you have taken him of your back. Whose to say he wont' turn to his old ways once he has married you and you can't get away from him. You should listen to your parents and do as they say for they have your best interest at heart. Of course, you can look at the guy they have in mind and see if he suits you or not becuase you do have a say in it. But you should seek someone who is as religious as you or more, you want someone who will help you or work with you to increase your emaan and become closer to Allah not someone who'll pull you down. If you really don't feel anything for him then quite feeling sorry for him and giving him chances. If he doesn't fit your criteria then leave him and don't listen to the shaytan and keeping contact with him.

If you feel the need then you can do two voluntary nafils and pray for reprentence for your venture with him and ask for guidance from Allah in this matter.


One of my friends wants to know what are the boundaries within which a male/female can talk/meet to non mehram? And if he/she likes someone who is a good muslim, can he/she go and tell him/her? Is there a possiblity for a muslim girl to purpose a muslim guy or is it always a guy to approach a girl according to Islam??


The male/female must keep their talk clean and impersonal and it should be to the point and vain socializing. There's no need to talk to the opposite gender unless necessary. Un-necessary talks leads only to friendship and feelings towards each other (like you and your study budy) and shaytan is always there stiring up emotions. Also, the two can NOT be alone together for the prophet *S* said the 3rd is shaytan among them. if they must talk or need to meet then do as at a public place or have a friend with them, not meeting each other at each other's places.

If there's someone she likes, it's best to find out thru a third person if that person feels the same way. Plus it's best to let him know thru a third person how you feel and see if he's interested. In either case, it does NOT mean she can talk to him and get to "know" him becuase there's some interest/liking in here. She should follow proper islamic channels in conversing with him. Yes, the Muslim girl (her parents rather) can purpose to guy or his parents. In Paki/Indian culture and western culture the guy purposes only. But in arab culture it goes both way and the girl's side can propose as well. There was a woman who came to the prophet *S* and propsed to him herself but he wasn't interested so another sahaba sitting there offered to marry her instead.

Anyways you should visit here or have her visit here for proper islamic ways of conversing with opposite gender.

http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&CR=402&dgn=4 (http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&CR=402&dgn=4)

[kamalysalma]

assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu,
my sister in islam, i begin with the Name of Allah the most Gracious,most Merciful
1. Islamically you shouldn't even be meeting with men in such a way let alone make friends with them and go further, i am sure you have now understood why Islam doesn't allow free-mixing, it is because of the very obvious reasons and your case is an example to all of us, ask yourself and look at how it startedband where it has ended you, and all this could have easily been prevented if you simply didn't communicate with him at all, or atleast communicated with him but kept it within the boundaries of islam.

2. You asking for Allah's Mercy and Guidance and making du'a to Allah was probably the reason why you realised that you were doing wrong, maybe it was a way through wich Allah decided to guide you by showing you and making you realise what you were doing was wrong. Keep on makin du'a sister for verily the du'a is the weapon of the shaytan.

3. my opinion of you marrying that brother is negative, as you mentioned that he drinks alcohol (i'm not quite sure if you said he stopped drinking) forgive me if i'm wrong, i would advice you to perform salatul istikhara and ask Allah to guide you on the matter, if you have any problems of not knowing how to perform the prayer,do reply, i will provide you with some help insha'Allah.

4. As for your friend who wants to know what the limits are for the muslim male/female relationship.... here are some ahadith and qur'anic verses:

The textual basis for insisting on total segregation of the sexes is the hadith on zina (fornication and adultery) of the limbs narrated from Ibn Mas`ud by Imam Ahmad in his Musnad with a strong chain: "The two eyes commit zina, the two hands commit zina, the two feet commit zina, and the genitals commit zina." Another wording with a passable chain in the Musnad includes the tongue and specifies in the end: "Then the genitals actualize it or belly it.". However, it does not necessarily follow that this hadith can be used as justification for saying "Therefore, according to Shari'ah, to look, speak, listen, etc. to any Ghayr Mahram (women/men you are not related to or married to) except at the time of extreme necessity is Haraam and impermissible."

The Qur'anic verses which address the interaction of men and women in the social context include:
"Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to be mindful of their chastity: this will be most conducive to their purity - (and,) verily, God is aware of all that they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and to be mindful of their chastity, and not to display their charms (in public) beyond what may (decently) be apparent thereof; hence let them draw their head-coverings over their bosoms.(24:30-31)"

i hope you find the guidance of Allah and take into heart what i have adviced you although i know it's hard in western countries we must remember that no matter where we are we cannot custom-make Islam to fit our lives, rather we ourselves need to change our actions to fit into Islam.
WSLM

[Khadhijah]

:wswrwb:

Sis first of all, this is just a naseeha forum, at the end of your post you asked questions which is fit for a knowledgeable person to answer, a good website for scholarly advice and fatwas is www.islam-qa.com. You can search through the questions that have already been answered. I have pasted a few links that deal with non-mahram men and women interacting, it may neccessarily not have anything to do with your situation.

http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=20949&dgn=3
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=10221&dgn=3
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=78375&dgn=4

AlhamduLilah sis, im really pleased that you ended the whole illicit relationship with him after you found out it was wrong. It is good that you demand that the man whom you will marry to be a pious practising brother. I would advise you though, to end the calls or any interaction with him. You have to go cold turkey from him because the more you talk to him the more fitnah there is. I know that your intention is to help him but you are not the right person to help him because of what happened. The brother needs to learn that if he doesnt help himself no one else can help and maybe by you cutting off all contact, then he might realise that there is no hope or any chance with you.

As for lying to your friends, you have to stop that. You need to fess up to them and tell them the truth otherwise you are leading them on. Tell them about your feelings and what you really want in order for them to back off.

I hope i have helped in anyway but i would really encourage you to seek your answers in the website i wrote above.

Insha'Allah i hope that you attain peace of mind.

[Al Qadr]

It's easier if you find someone already on deen... men say they would like to marry a religous girl so they can change thier ways but what if he doesnt? it will not be a good thing if u have kids ant thier father goes clubbing n drinking.


N dont be alone when meeting strange men as this brings a 3rd person into the situation -Shytaan.