View Full Version : Marriage in Secret
Salaam
I was wondering what people would do if they met someone who they wanted to marry but they cant becos they have an older sibling who will have to get married before them. The problem is that the parents are struggling to find someone for the older sibling and the longer it takes the more sin you would commit because dating is obviously not allowed. Your parents would NEVER let you get married before your older sibling and would also get extremely ANGRY if they found out that you were in a relationship. You have two options -
1) do the nikah in secret so that there is no more sin
or
2) continue with the sinning until its your turn to get married...
Please advise on the option you would choose and why.. Remember that the option of Nikah is only to stop the sin and is a stop gap before its your turn to get married to that person.
Humble1
31-05-06, 01:54 PM
go ahead and do the nikah mate.....or u can always abstain.;)
wasalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,
sister/brother...
if u are already in a relationship and in fear of what ure parents myt say about u getting married before ure older sister/brother then i guess a secret nikah is a good optin BUT uhave to take precautions..in a sense that u have to be 100% sure about this guy or gyal..
if u are ceratin that he/she is the one..then by all means have ure nikah done so u are not committing zina..and just imagine..if u do die in this state u will die as a zanee.
if u are not certain..and u feel that if u wait for ure older sis/bro to get married then..by all means wait..and cut of all contact with this bro/sis.
if i was in ure situation..and i truly loved someone..i wud tell him to wait..and if he truly loved me..he wud wait for me..i know its asking for a lot..but..its life..life is a test..and there are diff ways to overcome it. and inshallah u wil...ameen.
anyways..if it is another 2 yrs..then get married and approach ure parents.they will be hurt if u tell em..ure already married..its like a blow..so think about it..talk to the guy or girl..and sort. it..its good that ure thinking with fear of Allah. May ALlah reward u ameen.:)
Al-ghurabah
31-05-06, 04:09 PM
elder sibling thing is not from islam.. who said you have to go in order.. its our asian culture.. very strange indeed
dhakiyya
31-05-06, 10:33 PM
elder sibling thing is not from islam.. who said you have to go in order.. its our asian culture.. very strange indeed
this is right, the sibling thing is a cultural innovation.
the only reasons in Islam for your parents to stop you from marrying is if they know that the fiance(e) is of bad character (e.g. known to be a theif or something) or is not good in their deen (e.g. they know that they don't do their salat or something)
in other words they are not allowed to stop you from marrying someone just because you have an older sibling who is not married.
if you fear sin if you don't marry, then you should get married asap. maybe you could see a knowledgable scholar about this and get them to speak to your parents?
sisterKhadija
31-05-06, 10:57 PM
this is right, the sibling thing is a cultural innovation.
the only reasons in Islam for your parents to stop you from marrying is if they know that the fiance(e) is of bad character (e.g. known to be a theif or something) or is not good in their deen (e.g. they know that they don't do their salat or something)
in other words they are not allowed to stop you from marrying someone just because you have an older sibling who is not married.
if you fear sin if you don't marry, then you should get married asap. maybe you could see a knowledgable scholar about this and get them to speak to your parents?
Assalaam Alakium,
I agree. My Husbands Father was an Imam before he passed way and is the only child of the family that is married and he has an older brother. Tell your parents to prove to you in the Quran or Sunnah there has to be an order. They won't find it.
We are suppossed to live our lives as if the next day will never come right? Marriage should not wait if it is right.
Salaam,
SisterKhadija
aurorascopic
01-06-06, 12:01 PM
this is right, the sibling thing is a cultural innovation.
the only reasons in Islam for your parents to stop you from marrying is if they know that the fiance(e) is of bad character (e.g. known to be a theif or something) or is not good in their deen (e.g. they know that they don't do their salat or something)
in other words they are not allowed to stop you from marrying someone just because you have an older sibling who is not married.
if you fear sin if you don't marry, then you should get married asap. maybe you could see a knowledgable scholar about this and get them to speak to your parents?
the problem is, us asians we tend to live in asian cmmunities where even the moulanas are backwards, i dont mean to cause offence because alhamdulillah they have so much deen and knowledge. But, they still carry asian traditions and cultural views, ESPECIALLY when it comes to marriage. that lecture played on noor radio about islam and dating by abdul malik said it all basically. nm the parents, first educate these 'mullahs' from pakistan and india who will educate the parents and so on...
I think you should get married and stop the sinning. The sin is far greater..... Well...... That is if you haven't married already?.......... Hehe
dhakiyya
02-06-06, 08:59 PM
the problem is, us asians we tend to live in asian cmmunities where even the moulanas are backwards, i dont mean to cause offence because alhamdulillah they have so much deen and knowledge. But, they still carry asian traditions and cultural views, ESPECIALLY when it comes to marriage. that lecture played on noor radio about islam and dating by abdul malik said it all basically. nm the parents, first educate these 'mullahs' from pakistan and india who will educate the parents and so on...
go to another mosque and find an imam who will do the marriage according to Qur'an and Sunnah.
though I suppose thats easier said than done if you grew up all in one community....
aurorascopic
02-06-06, 09:08 PM
though I suppose thats easier said than done if you grew up all in one community....
got it in one sis, especially if you're young (which is when the problem about getting married and 'your too young' happens) and if you're not mobile, or the people involved are usually trying to be good muslims, and like especially sisters, they'r not used to just leaving the house and going places on their own
dhakiyya
02-06-06, 09:14 PM
insha'Allah the best answer to "you're too young" if your parents are Muslim would be "and A'isha (ra) was how old when she got married...?"
(again easier said than done of course)
muslimah85
02-06-06, 09:19 PM
:rolleyes:
muslimah85
02-06-06, 09:23 PM
when the girls parents are happy for her to marry but his see him as too young :spunch:
I seem to have opened up alot of debate but thank you all for taking the time to respond and air your opinions..
Special thanks go to mahir for putting it simply and concisely... i wonder, if you dont mind me asking, have you been faced with this dilemma before??? ;)
if you are a sister...
you need to approach your father...or get the brother to ask your father for your hand...
your father needs to give an 'islamic' reason as to why he rejects.
you cannot just marry in secret....in doesnt work like...marriage has to be broadcasted....[the witnesses are here for that reason].
you have to have a wali...so marrying in secret without a wali makes your marriage invalid.
i know these things seem hard, but still you cant just simply choose the easy way out because it is easy.
if your father does not give a valid islamic reason then guradianship would pass onto your brother. if you have no one from the family to act as your wali then your wali would have have to be a shaykh or someone.
but to marry in private without a guardian would be plain stupid because nabi[pbuh] said that a marriage without a wali is invalid..
and Allah knows best...
if you are a brother....then i dont know what advice to give
I seem to have opened up alot of debate but thank you all for taking the time to respond and air your opinions..
Special thanks go to mahir for putting it simply and concisely... i wonder, if you dont mind me asking, have you been faced with this dilemma before??? ;)
sounds like u know mahir:rolleyes:
You have two options -
1) do the nikah in secret so that there is no more sin
or
2) continue with the sinning until its your turn to get married...
Salaam,
1. I've never heard of this rule where your older sibling has to marry before a younger sibling!
2. You cannot to nikah in secret as you need a minimum of 2 witnesses for a nikah to be valid!
3. What exactly do you mean by "continue to sin"?
W'Salaam
vBulletin® v3.7.2, Copyright ©2000-2008, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.