Another man's child

[ismj]

:start:
:salams, I would like to know the opinion of brothers about accpting the children of another man as his own if he was to marry a divorcee as a second wife? I mean no doubt the children are not his but will he be able to love them and take care of them all the same...?

[Leena_Cnd]

As in this sittuation ? :
.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006240815,00.html (http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006240815,00.html)
.
.:p

[ismj]

lol...I dun think so...

[Hekmaa]

He can take care of them, be kind to them, look out for them, be a good role model to them. However Muhaba is from Allah. He can only love them once Allah puts love for them in his heart.

A few things that aid the process; Children are sinless, therefore to love them is alot easier, as they present no evil. Good manners in a child make them easy to be loved. Finally how the wife conducts herself, may also help the man grow found of her children.

Usually a favorite wife, will end up also having the favorite children. But to a good Muslim, the deen and manners of the child should determine his proximity.

[Tahiyah]

children love structure and communication more than anything

thats what they will remember

talk to them, know them, know their thoughts and how they feel

:up: :up:

[ismj]

:salams ,
But my question is about the opinion of the men. Will they or will they not be able to acccept another man's children , care and love them as their own? :confused: .Children will be more than happy if they have someone to look up to and play with. Its the adult's mentality i'm more worried about.

[Al-Nasser]

look how the prophet :saw: treated the children of Umm Salamah (ra).....and follow the example

[ghanamuslima]

:start:
:salams, I would like to know the opinion of brothers about accpting the children of another man as his own if he was to marry a divorcee as a second wife? I mean no doubt the children are not his but will he be able to love them and take care of them all the same...?

the one who fears ALLAH will because he knows he will be rewarded in the akhirah.:) :)

[Medievalist]

Ideally a man should be able to love kids - regardless of whether he's their father, step-father, uncle or muslim elder. But in the real world - speaking for myself - I'd have to say it would probably depend on what the kids are like and also what the relationship with their mother is like. Some kids are easier to like than others, some women are easier to like than others - but I hope that I'd have atleast a minimum level of compassion that I wouldnt be unjust or abusive to step-children.

[Te'oma]

If a woman has children from a previous marriage or even just a previous relationship, the man has to realize that it's a package deal and love her children like his own. Any man that can't do this needs to step aside and allow the woman to find someone else. Children are mirrors and will reflect whatever you show them. Give a child love, you will get love back. Show them respect and you will be respected.

[Quest]

I wouldnt mind caring for and loving another womans child.
i believe loyalty and love is earned.

i just pray theres no baby mama drama if i was ever put in that position:rolleyes:

[arefa]

Asalamualakum i would like to say for another man to take anotherr womans child on it takes a real man with strong iman to do it even thou the child its not biologicaly his, him looking after child the reward is immense, our prophet s.a.w.looked after hazarat ali abu talibs child as he could not provide for him as he was poor so our prohet s.a.w took him on and he and hazarat khadija both raised him, he loved him like his own child, we need to take this as an example and implement it into our lives that a man can raise another womans child, this child will be a shield for him in the hereafter, and paradise is guranteed in the hereafter. a a man needs to have sound knowledge of the deen to do this. you love the woman you love her child. any man in this situation should see the blessing in this situation rather then looking at it negetively. and allah knows best:up: wasalamu alakum

[Al-Irhaab]

how can a man not love any kid :rubeyes:

[arefa]

Asalamualakum

akhi you will be surprised, their are alot of men who dont want the extra baggage but want the woman, that why i say a man strong in his deen will see the blessing in this matter and take them on as a pakage.;) wasalam

[Al-Irhaab]

Asalamualakum

akhi you will be surprised, their are alot of men who dont want the extra baggage but want the woman, that why i say a man strong in his deen will see the blessing in this matter and take them on as a pakage.;) wasalam

walaikum assalam ...

i say maybe the package is the kids and along with it the wife... not the wife and along with it comes the kids... or maybe we could just ditch the wife keep the kids :inlove:

[MG]

i was abit worried about coming into this thread and reading peoples responses, mashallah, im really impressed with some of the honest and mature responses that have been given.

If i was a guy, i would take a woman with kids, and if a guy with kids came along i wouldnt let the kids put me off, i love kids, heck they would start loving me more than their father :D

[tauheedul]

I guess its down to the individual, are they up to the task. Does he sincerely care about his family?. If a person is willing to adopt a child, they would not mind getting married to someone who has children. If anything it is a blessing to be looked upon as a father. Some people cannot have children, so if he is blessed with a child (even though it may be someone elses) he will be able to share love and bring them up as his own.

Some people will be completely the opposite and despise the child and perhaps even turn that into abuse.

Its down to what the individual thinks.

[jazz8000]

Any good man would accept the responsibility of a child if there is no other guardian for that child however there is a key point that i think might be important. A child owes a great deal of duty to their parents. Children can't go againts the parents wishes and the parents have a gread deal of authority over their kids. It is because of this authority that a parent can excercise effective guardianship and care. If a man marries a divorcee with child, the child is not biologicaly his so islamicaly (please correct me if i am wrong) that man does not have as much authority over that child as he already has a father. Not having this full authority would make it really difficult to discharge parental responsibility.

If its an orphan or the child only has a mother and no one else and the child accepts the mothers new husband as a father, then it makes it much easier for the father to discharge parental responsibilities. Islam has provided for these situations, i.e. if its a boy, the mothers mother or mother side of the family take guardianship of the boy while the mother remarries and once the boy reaches puberty, the biological father attains guardianship. If its a girl, the mother side attains full guardianship.

[Niqaabi]

Alhumdulillah my sis remarried a year ago-ish and she had 2 kids from her previous marriage but the new man that she married took her kids as his own. I think whats important is the husband feels he is a father figure like the kids are his own and not him just supplying money and food for the kids but he isnt allowed to dicipline them or set some guidelines for the kids to follow. I have seen this amongst women, they say to the new husband "do not tell my child off he is my child i will dicipline him" and its like no just like you came as a package, now he is part of this new package and he accepted you as a package so now let him act like a father in that kids life in said of 'abdullah' my mums new husband.
6 months ago my sis and my bro-in-law just had their first baby but he said it felt like his 3rd because he feels like the real father of her 2 other kids.

I have a lot of respect for anyone who marries a divorcee with kids :up:

[arefa]

Asalamualakum, mashallah its nice to hear that thair are some brothers out their who do take on other women and thair children, like i say children are a blessing from allah and rearing them to be good muslims will only benefit you in the hereafter. it takes a wise man to actually see the wisdom if he ever has to cross this bridge. :up: wasalam

[MG]

Alhumdulillah my sis remarried a year ago-ish and she had 2 kids from her previous marriage but the new man that she married took her kids as his own. I think whats important is the husband feels he is a father figure like the kids are his own and not him just supplying money and food for the kids but he isnt allowed to dicipline them or set some guidelines for the kids to follow. I have seen this amongst women, they say to the new husband "do not tell my child off he is my child i will dicipline him" and its like no just like you came as a package, now he is part of this new package and he accepted you as a package so now let him act like a father in that kids life in said of 'abdullah' my mums new husband.
6 months ago my sis and my bro-in-law just had their first baby but he said it felt like his 3rd because he feels like the real father of her 2 other kids.

I have a lot of respect for anyone who marries a divorcee with kids :up:


mashallah at ur sis and bro-in-law, i agree sis, if a bro or sis with kids get married again, they cant tell the new hubbie/wife that their not allowed to tell the kids off or discipline then, it defeats the whole purpose...

[abuduha]

Asalamu alaykum,
This is the problem in the ummah of The prophet (saw).Male chauvanistic pride. There is so much barakah in this act. And if a sister is willing to be a second wife, you should thank Allah (swt). As for the child it will be barakah for you.
May Allah (swt) give you the strength to accept the will of Allah (swt) and the sunnah of his beloved prophet Muhammad (saw).
May he make you an example for us to follow.

[eshanz]

i didnt read the whole thread so i dont know if any1 already made this reply, but alot of brothers/sisters said if the children are good etc it will be easy to love them. what if because of the situation (eg. they dont have a father figure in their life or its a "partime" father and so could be rebelling in some way because they dont know how to react to the situation) then this is not the childrens fault. no child is born evil it is the atmosphere that child grows up and yes partially the parents responsibility. if i was marrying a woman who had ill mannered children the worst thing u could do is ignore them or "not love" them. the lack of love, understanding and communication has made these the children they way they are. copied from Al-Nasser "show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in anything, it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it."
wasalam
Zeshan x

[Omar]

Ive heard of bad stepmothers but not bad step fathers :p

[love00]

:start:
:salams, I would like to know the opinion of brothers about accpting the children of another man as his own if he was to marry a divorcee as a second wife? I mean no doubt the children are not his but will he be able to love them and take care of them all the same...?
Salam:) the practicing Muslim would do this for any child because he fears Allah :Swt: and knows that there will be a reward from Him. I've been in this situation...I still am (elhumdulelah)...because I have a step dad, although I love him as my father and he feels the same way. He introduced us my fam to Islam ..Before this...we were born Muslims but that was it..we didn't practice. Until now, I still ask Allah :Swt: forgiveness for all my past and future sins, what I did in private and in public and what he knows better then me because it is He Oft forgiving and most merciful...humdulelah.. because now I realize.
Anywho, hope that helped.
All praise and thanks be to Allah....
Salams Allah maak.

[Kal-El]

It's not something I'd be accepting of but that could change with time I suppose

[Neurostyler]

I have a question - will the child, if it's a girl be considered non-mahram?

[hanifa]

I have a question - will the child, if it's a girl be considered non-mahram?
Not after the girl's mother's new husband has gone into her (See the Quran). At that point the girl becomes mahram to her stepfather.

Hanifa

[1 Level]

depends on the individual,why be harsh and not accept children as if they were your own just because they are someone elses,the children have been through enough if it was the divorce scenario and they do not know better but a grown man should do,show love compassion and treat them as if they were your own at the end of the day gain there love instead of acting in a way that will make them grow to hate you.

[DALEHYR]

Its no problem Insha'ALLAH to look after the children that are not biologically yours. Look at this way, they need a father figure to look after them Insha'ALLAH. Imagine the reward you will get Insha'ALLAH...

[Medievalist]

Hekmaa bro has made a good point as usual. Caring for them is easy, loving them it depends on the character of the child. Some of my nephews and nieces are really annoying because they have no manners at all - you dont hate them but find it hard to love them.

So long as the mother inculcated SOME manners in them, it wouldnt be hard to have affection for kids, generally they tend to be a cute bunch :D:D

[wifeseeker]

correct me if i'mwrong but isn't it true that, according 2 sharia, if a marriage doesn't work out the kids should go 2 the father (if he takes them.) that way its a clean break 4 the mother.
errr... don't all shout at once if this sounds ruff.

[salam786]

Salaam, personally I think there plenty of reward for you if you do decide to take on another women child, children need love and security, although the mother can provide the love and support the father figure is also a big help especially in providing the security factor as well as guiding and being an role model for the child

[turquoise]

Usually a favorite wife, will end up also having the favorite children. But to a good Muslim, the deen and manners of the child should determine his proximity.

Salaam,

It's really depressing to read that (the first part). It's one thing for adults to choose to put themselves into that situation, but it's not fair for innocent children to grow up knowing their father doesn't love them as much as his other kids, for reasons the child himself has nothing to do with. Perhaps men who would do that shouldn't consider polygamy?

[turquoise]

To answer the original question, it's certainly possible, but not guaranteed. I've seen situations where it worked out perfectly, situations where it was a complete disaster, and situations in the middle where the husband fulfilled all of the children's Islamic rights as if he was their father, but never felt the same paternal love as for his own blood children. It's not something that can be forced, but of course the kids pick up on it (especially if the he goes on to have his own children with their mother), and that can be a sad situation all around. It depends on the individual man, and the individual situation. Hopefully a man who didn't feel he could be a good father to a woman's children wouldn't be interested in marrying her.

[MG]

i think its in human nature to have a "favourite" when there is more than one of something but the key is to not make the UNfavourite one FEEL they are not the favourite and there are people who are very good at this in skills mashallah :)

[MG]

correct me if i'mwrong but isn't it true that, according 2 sharia, if a marriage doesn't work out the kids should go 2 the father (if he takes them.) that way its a clean break 4 the mother.
errr... don't all shout at once if this sounds ruff.


if the mother gets remarried then the children must go to their father.

Also upto the age of approx 7years, the child gets to be brought up by the mother and thereafter they must be passed to their father to be brought up.


These are guidelines, obviously every situation has to be looked at individually.

[`asiya]

correct me if i'mwrong but isn't it true that, according 2 sharia, if a marriage doesn't work out the kids should go 2 the father (if he takes them.) that way its a clean break 4 the mother.
errr... don't all shout at once if this sounds ruff.

well thats all depends on the father being a trustworthy muslim who wants to raise his children in the first place. the fact is most muslim women who are left with children these days cant even get their ex-husbands to pay child support which is the right of the child over his father, never mind get the father to take his own children full time to live with him. then we have to ask the question to all the brothers who claim they couldnt love another mans children, do they by the same token expect a woman to love another womans children cos if he was doing what islam said and taking his children to live with him when they reach a certain age, then he would expect his new wife to care for them.

questions like these were not asked amongst the sahabba because they knew about the rewards from Allah ta ala they would get for raising up a child, these days its all about peoples personal preferences and desires, and what will "people" say.

[wifeseeker]

true (n quite deep) comments sis asiya.
n sis mj, i mean mg, ur comments r also valued.

personally i think children r precious 2 both their parents. wen things don't work out sumtimes its hard 2 abide by islamic guidelines i.e. as mg mentioned. things tend 2 get controlled by emotion n not logic. usually both parents want the kids (as if they own them) all 4 themselves.
whereas in reality kids r a blessing from the almighty. if we (us men mainly) parted kindly (as we have been instructed by allah in the quran i.e. 'take them back in kindness or part with them in kindness') with women n treated them like ppl in the first place, i think such issues wud b resolved much more amicably (but this is a very broad generalisation as every1 is different in personality n understanding.)