Honesty before marrying

[Dev]

I request your help. I am in quite a bind. I feel in my heart that it is time for me to spend the rest of my life with that special someone. I am currently being arranged to meet women to get to know. The problem I face is my past. I have not been the best Muslim and can quite honestly say that I will never be but I do strive to be a better Muslim and a better human being. The problem I face is my honesty with the girls that I meet. Now I have never hurt anyone or drunk alcohol but the things I have done I am not very proud of by any means. I have had relations with 2 non-muslim girls but not in a promiscious manner but in what I thought could be love. I do find it very important for myself to be honest with my potential partner so she is to know who she is marrying and that I am not "Duping" her into marrying me because I have seen the "error" of my ways. If I could I would turn back the time and change it but I can't and I feel it important and hope that the right person will understand that I am truelly regretful and wish to make things right.I wish to do this before any engagement is made and that my partner didn't feel lied to before the engagement. Am I naive in thinking this way? Female's: Would you except a man you liked if he was truelly sorry? Please help!

[tux08902]

I'm no female, but let me give you some advice.

If a woman truly loves you, then she would judge as who you are now, not who you were in the past. If you have been awakened from the depths, then that is a strong point, not a weak point. You need to tell her about your past relationships since they were unlawful. You also need to tell here that you have been awakened and vow to return to the Islamic ways.

Then there are things you need to straighten out with Allah. By that I mean, you need to repent for your mistakes and evil deeds, sincerely.

For your information, there is no concept of engagement. While you can certainly have an engagement, it has no bearing in Islam. It is straight marriage.

[Hekmaa]

There are no confessions in Islam, your sin is between you and Allah.

What you need to think about is, have you repented? Are you ashamed of what you have done? have you made firm intention not to repeat your old ways? Have you changed your way from that which took you to bad to that which takes you too good?

[outlandish]

[quote=Hekmaa]There are no confessions in Islam, your sin is between you and Allah.quote]
Maybe there are no confessions in islam but lieing and hiding is also not the way. It is better to be straight and honest with whom u are supposed to be living the rest of ur life rather than hiding or lieing about ur past. And the right person will be able to see past that and accept u for what u are now.Since if they find out later and many do no matter how much u try to hide it hurts more and and ends up in it ending.

[CheifJunior]

IF you think she is the one, then tell her. If she freaks its her loss.

The best of us are those who recognise our weakness and want to change continously and carry striving for change and the search for the truth.

May Allah be with you and give you the best partner in crime lol! :p

[Hind]

Asalamu alaikum,

Bro. Dev, I want to give you the best advice I can for the sake of Allah (SWT). I am a muslimah. I am currently trying to wait patiently to find the man who will be the best husband for me. I can honestly say, that the past is the past, as long as you have truly repented and have no desire to repeat the sin(s). As for telling the women you meet upfront that you are not a virgin, I don't think it is something that you just jump right in and do. I don't think you should be "overly anxious" to expose yourself. Take things as they come. It is not for every woman you meet for possible marriage, to know EVERYTHING about you. If it comes up, of course, be honest and reply with the truth. But to voluntarily give that information to every prospective female, I'd have to say no. I think you'd be shooting yourself in the foot. Remember Allah(SWT) keeps secrets and you should also be discreet and be careful of who you share your prior failings with. Sometimes people don't respect your honesty and may misuse your intentions against you. BELIEVE me, I KNOW!!!! I hope I was able to help you and I hope you understood me. May Allah (SWT) guide you to your dear companion whom you will and she will love you, in this life and in the hereafter. Ameen.

Sister Hind

[Lou.]

Salam Aleikum brother,

First at all I would say that you are a very brave person that admits his mistake -not many people do that now a day. I know a lot of brothers who prefer not to tell about there pass which later on have giving them some problem, because they did not know any thing.

I do understand that you want to be completely honest to your future wife and I think you should be. The best way to start a relationship is by being honest to each other. I know that some sisters do not like to know what the guy have done is his past because they don’t want to be disappointed. As I see it, it is very important to tell each other if you have done anything wrong. I know it says that you are not aloud to asked a brother / sister about the past because what past is past. Second of all who are we to judge another person? Hamdullah the Almighty know what is deep inside us and He is the only one who is going to judge us.

Personally I want to know if the person I want to get married with have done any thing in his past. If I can see that he has change and really regret what he has done then I will accept him. I believe that every human being can change and we are not all perfect. We do all make mistake but the important thing is to learn not to do them again.

I wish you the best.

Ma’salam
sister Lou.

[.: hayat :.]

I request your help. I am in quite a bind. I feel in my heart that it is time for me to spend the rest of my life with that special someone. I am currently being arranged to meet women to get to know. The problem I face is my past. I have not been the best Muslim and can quite honestly say that I will never be but I do strive to be a better Muslim and a better human being. The problem I face is my honesty with the girls that I meet. Now I have never hurt anyone or drunk alcohol but the things I have done I am not very proud of by any means. I have had relations with 2 non-muslim girls but not in a promiscious manner but in what I thought could be love. I do find it very important for myself to be honest with my potential partner so she is to know who she is marrying and that I am not "Duping" her into marrying me because I have seen the "error" of my ways. If I could I would turn back the time and change it but I can't and I feel it important and hope that the right person will understand that I am truelly regretful and wish to make things right.I wish to do this before any engagement is made and that my partner didn't feel lied to before the engagement. Am I naive in thinking this way? Female's: Would you except a man you liked if he was truelly sorry? Please help!
first of all i'm non-muslim girl and i'm confronting with the same problem..i have a past with mistakes but i try to follow the right way..i want to marry with a muslim man and i want to belive that if he loves me he will know what forgivness means..we r human beings so we r not perfect..only Allah/God is ..may Allah give u a peaceful life full of love and happiness with a good girl who know to forgive..(ppl can change their bad features..i'm doing my best..and i belive u r doing the same..ur thread is a sign;) )

[bint]

i think its down to an individual..really.

personally, i just soo know that my parents wud do a full check up and when i mean check I MEAN CHECCCKKK!!:rolleyes:

THATS quiet irritating tho..but good i guess:confused:

anyways..the guy n chik shudnt start prying into the pass.,.,if he or she have seen the error of their ways as u say brother, and that they have learnt their lesson and sincere repentance is performed thn..what problem is there?

wanting a virgin is anothr matter..but gif him a break. his learnt his lesson n thats it. as for the chik..if u want to tell her then tell..her. but i wudnt..she shud love u for WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT THIS MOMENT not for what U WERE..

so conclusion!
its personal..what u feel comfortabl with and what she wants from you. there will be a point in ure marriage that she may ask you, about ure 'past' but she wudnt take it hard..shed love you and trust you. as for telling her now..dont. only if you know deep down in ure heart that u will not go back to ure ways of the 'past'..dont tell her. grow ure love and build ure trsut then do so. she may not be innocent either. not that im throwing any accusation at all..just showing you the broader scene.

insha allah all goes well for you. ameen thumma ameen.

masalam.

bint

[Dev]

thanks for all your advice.

I have decided to be honest and let that person know but I must do it before any feelings might occur as to spare that someone's feelings. If we are getting to know each other it will be better to tell her then than to wait for feelings to arise and then let her know as I do not want to con her into being with me by hiding my past. It is in my past and stays firmly there but it is so important for me to be honest.

[bint]

thanks for all your advice.

I have decided to be honest and let that person know but I must do it before any feelings might occur as to spare that someone's feelings. If we are getting to know each other it will be better to tell her then than to wait for feelings to arise and then let her know as I do not want to con her into being with me by hiding my past. It is in my past and stays firmly there but it is so important for me to be honest.


honesty...such a delicate issue hey?

but bro..honest with ure past?

does she ask you of ure past?..if so then tell her..not voluntarily.

[Ummati Al Islam]

The common mentality of 'tell all and be all' has no room in Islam. Allah has covered your sins, He has given you this great honour, only for you to rip off this shelter and cover yourself with humiliation?

It is not allowed to reveal your sins to people; if somebody has changed, there is no need to go back to their past...that past person is dead. If Allah did will for her to find out the past somehow then she will have to deal with it then and in the Islamic manner. Look at Omar (r.a) and what he did before he was guided, then he became a Muslim, Allah forgave him and it became an honour to marry him.

Never reveal your sins.