Need advice from the men/ support from the women

[ummabdullah]

salaam wa alaikum rahmantullahi wa barakatahu

Hi there.. I am a muslimah.. who keeps argueing with her husband.. after careful consideration I have decided to have him leave the house and stay with his mother.

I know to some this may sound drastic.. but to be honest I don't feel any difference in my life now that hes gone. His clothes have always been at his mothers house and to be honest I don't think he made himself a home here anyway.

as you men know.. in islam a man is supposed to provide housing for his wife.. well my husband provided me with a 2 bedroom terrace house which I negotiated the sale after initially renting. The problem is he hasn't lifted a finger to make the living condition good in any way.. and we only have 1 double bed and a moses basket for me, him and the 2 kids. basically, he still lives with his mom.. Yeah he comes here to sleep every night (which is because he wants to be around the kids as he can't bear to be seperated from them) but he comes home at 7:30 every night and visits his mother on the weekends. Its as if I don't exist..

I feel this is no way to live and that I could be doing better on my own. So after a very heavy argument.. of telling him that he makes lil contribution to the wellbeing of this family I have kicked him out of the house. Allahu alim if he takes the kids from me.. but this is up to Allah subhana wa ta'ala. To be honest.. I feel so much more relaxed now that he cannot barge in here whenever he feels like it.. and like I said there was no space in here for him anyway. ( due to him not lifting a finger to make life more comfortable for the whole family).

I would like to know from the brothers if you think this seperation will make him think about his mistakes and hopefully he can change. AS Allah knows best that I and him love each other.. and are for the most part happy together.. He is an excellent father and we have agreed to let him have the kids for 3 days in a row at his mothers house.. He just sort of has a silver spoon... only child... of an already secluded and hermit like mother. He has no family saver his mother.. and an even more secluded father in london. And he doesn't even know how to make tea..

His mother controls everything he does ... even to the point that she follows him to the bathroom to clean the toilet after he is finished. And he does not know how to put one foot in front of the other without someone telling him too do so. I should also add that his mother is so controlling that at 33 years old.. he is not allowed to have any friends over her house.. nor is he allowed to go anywhere his mother does not agree with first.

Just for the record I have nothing against his mother and love her with all my heart.. I am just trying to clarify the situation and hope the brother and sisters can give me some feedback.

Kind regards
Ummabdullah
Salaam Alaikum rahmantullahi wa barakatahu

[seven]

what does your husband say about all this?

just trying to get both sides of the story.

[Al-ghurabah]

Salam this is a problem with many families ...
the mother thinks the wife controls her son and is taking hi maway from her.
the wife thinks the mother controls the son and he just listens to her ..

you should both learn and try to practise the roles and responsibilities given by islam..
your right from islam is to be looked after given shelter.. fed right.. clothed and kids need the same..
he has his rights.. too. for you to listen to him.. cook for him etc.. look after the kids bring them up..
but a son also has rights and responsibilites towards his parents.. he has to look after them also..

talk with him if needed invite the family and talk things through...
tell him the living conditions are not sufficient..
try to find out his views.. what he thinks.. does he think its adequate..???
dies he think he is doing good.. nothing wrong???
best way is to discuss and talks things through. alot of the times argumenst arise from misunderstanding and misccomunications between people..
explain to him how you need more things and that you would like to psend more timewith him..

inshallah it works out for you......and allah makes it easy for you
the asnwers are in the quran and the sunnah..,

[ummabdullah]

salaam wa alaikum

I would like to make it completely clear that this is not one of those mother in law / daughter in law wars.

My mother in law has a mental problem which is so bad that she does not let my husband go anywhere!!!!! she leaves the house once every month for 1 hour to go to asda. she does not visit with neighbors ectr. she has a sister who she has not seen in almost 6 years although she only lives 2 hours away. They are not in any fight .. my mother in law has locked herself up in the house.. she would rather die from angina then let a speck of dust on her floor.. (she has an obsessive cleaning disorder). Hence my husband goes to the loo and she is in there within 5 min. to clean the toilet.. and this is something which embarrasses my husband.

When I mean control.. I mean she controls everything.. I am more than happy to have my husband fulfill all his obligations to his mother and more. My problem with the relationship that they have is that he does not know how to walk on his own two feet and be a man. He needs someone whether it is me or his mother to guide him in every step he takes.. If he is hungry he will not eat until someone offers to feed him.. even if he has been hungry for days...

Just to clarify matters.. As it seems that it is such a pak thing to constantly bring up mother in law// daughter in law clashes... It just doesn't exist in my situation...

[ummabdullah]

talk with him if needed invite the family and talk things through...
tell him the living conditions are not sufficient..
try to find out his views.. what he thinks.. does he think its adequate..???
dies he think he is doing good.. nothing wrong???
best way is to discuss and talks things through. alot of the times argumenst arise from misunderstanding and misccomunications between people..
explain to him how you need more things and that you would like to psend more timewith him..


I think these things are the reason for our arguments.

I just asked him on the phone now..
1.) do you think our living arrangements are sufficient? His answer was (NO)
2.) Do you think you are doing the neccessary things to arrange alternative living arrangments. His answer was (yes)

He will tell me more when he has more time.. since he was on a visit to one of his patients.

So he knows all of my problems with him... but my biggest problem of all is that I have to fight tooth and nail just to get them. I have a friend in the same job as him and he gets home everyday at 5:30. my husband works farther and visits his mother before he arrives home.. so I expect him to be an hour later than my friends husband.. but my husband is 2 hours later and arrives at 7:45 everyday.

At first I talked with him and told him how my friends husband gets home earlier.. so how come he can't... He tried to do the english vague... brushing to the side thing.. and say that his job is diff. from his..

I then had to yell and argue... and point out all the reasons why he was full of it.. before he finally agreed with me that he could perhaps change his schedule and move his afternoon surgery a bit earlier. Hence he then started coming home at 7 pm...
Still he has made no effort to find out how he can come home earlier like his colleagues.. And he has never called my friends husband to ask how he does it.

I am not like other women. I investigate a situation thoroughly to see how things can be resolved or if in fact I am wrong and being too demanding. Its the natural lawyer inside of me.

Thank you for the time in helping me.. and giving me your opinions and thoughts.

SALAAM WA ALAIKUM RAHMANTULLAHI WA BARAKTAHU

[RaNdOm]

:salams


Praise be to Allaah.

It should be noted that one of the main reasons that cause problems between spouses, and that could cause these problems to escalate to a very bad level is a lack of knowledge of the rights which each partner has over the other.

Islam states these rights clearly, and urges and obliges each partner to fulfil them, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… And they (women) have rights (over their husbands…) similar (to those of their husbands) over them, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them…” [al-Baqarah 2:228]. This aayah indicates that for every right that one partner has, there is a corresponding duty which the other partner must fulfil; thus balance will be achieved in all aspects of the relationship, which will strengthen the stability of family life. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) said concerning this aayah: “It is their (women’s) right to good companionship and proper treatment on the part of their husbands, and their duty to obey and do what their husbands tell them to do.” Ibn Zayd said: “Fear Allaah with regard to them (wives) just as they should fear Allaah with regard to you.” Al-Qurtubi said: “This aayah covers all the rights and duties within marriage.”

One of those rights is that trivial mistakes should be overlooked, especially words and deeds by which no harm was intended. Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every son of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2501; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4/171).

Both husband and wife have to be patient and put up with one another, because everyone makes mistakes, and the one with whom you have to be most patient is the one with whom you live and interacts with most. Neither party should resort to tit-for-tat reactions. If one spouse sees that the other is very angry, he or she should restrain his or her own anger, and not respond immediately. For this reason Abu’l-Darda’ said to his wife: “If you see me angry, calm me down, and if I see you angry, I will calm you down, otherwise it will be too difficult to live together.” The imaam of Ahl al-Sunnah, Imaam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) married ‘Abbaasah

bint al-Mufaddal, the mother of his son Saalih, and he used to say of her: “Umm Saalih lived with me for twenty years, and we never argued over the slightest thing.”

One of the most important rights/duties is that each spouse should advise and remind the other to obey Allaah. It is reported in a saheeh hadeeth that a group of the Sahaabah asked the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Teach us which kind of wealth is best, so that we may try to acquire it?” He said: “The best is a remembering tongue (one that remembers Allaah), a grateful heart and a believing wife who helps one’s faith.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/278; al-Tirmidhi, 3039; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5231).

A man should not make his wife angry if he sees in her something that he dislikes, because if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another, so he should balance the two. The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another.” (Reported by Muslim, 36). Samurah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman was created from a rib, and if you try to straighten a rib you will break it, so deal with her gently.” (Reported by Ahmad, 5/8; Ibn Hibbaan, 1308; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2/163).

One of the best ways to ensure a good atmosphere between husband and wife is a good attitude, hence Islam placed an important emphasis on this matter. The Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was the ultimate in good treatment of others and good attitude. Abu’l-Darda’ reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no good deed that will be put in the balance that will weight heavier than a good attitude. The one who has a good attitude will reach, because of it, the level of those who fast and pray.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2003; Abu Dawood, 4799). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most perfect of the believers in faith are the best in attitude, and the best of you are those who are best to their womenfolk.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1/217; Ahmad, 2/250; Al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, 284).

Some of the ways in which one can treat one’s wife well are to turn a blind eye and not to pick on things, great or small, and not to rebuke or scold for every single incident, except in the case of duties towards Allaah. This is how Allaah guides us in the Qur’aan, when He says (interpretation of the meaning): “… and live with them (women) honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good.” [al-Nisa’ 4:19].

www.islamqa.com (http://www.islamqa.com)

hmmmm it makes me proper sad :( when i hear about marriages not being all they can be, cos ur each others ticket to paradise....u obviously love each other and you say he's a great dad, so if u concentrate on this rather than the negative points maybe u will want to let him enter back into your home...

The prophet :saws2: said: "Iblis places his throne upon the water, he then sends his cronies (to cause dissention); the nearer to him in rank are those who are more notorious in creating discord. One of them comes and says, I did such and such and he (shaitaan) says you have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says, I did not spare so and so until I caused separation between a husband and wife. The shaitaan goes near him and says, ‘You have done well’ and then embraces him" (Reported by Muslim).

Shaitaan is on a constant struggle to cause rifts between you all, and you should try your hardest not to let him overcome you...cos that way your just gonna let him beat you and allow him to send you into a downwards spiral :(

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are signs for those who reflect. [ Quran 30:21 ]

That verse would spur me so much to try and do the right thing by my husband...:rubeyes:

How does he respond when u ask him to do the house up for you? and if he goes to visit his mother every so often, can u not find a house where u can all live together, cos im sure shes approaching her death ever faster, and you say he has no other family apart from her, maybe living a lonely life like that has caused her to seclude herself from society, maybe if you let her into your home she'd be better off from it, and imagine the reward you'd get from letting your husband carry out his obligation to his mother to the best of his ability.....and maybe your husband would see you're willing to compromise and decide maybe he should start listening to you a bit more and that with an extra person in the house (and there being no place for him to escape during the day) he'll have to get down to it...

Also have you asked him to stand and take the ground for himself a bit more, and not wait for people to ask if he's hungry? cos that seems a bit extreme, and i know it would annoy me too...

But don't ever lose hope, pray hard and inshaAllah i will pray for u too...

[2:186] When My servants ask you about Me, I am always near. I answer their prayers when they pray to Me. The people shall respond to Me and believe in Me, in order to be guided.

[Al-ghurabah]

talk with him if needed invite the family and talk things through...
tell him the living conditions are not sufficient..
try to find out his views.. what he thinks.. does he think its adequate..???
dies he think he is doing good.. nothing wrong???
best way is to discuss and talks things through. alot of the times argumenst arise from misunderstanding and misccomunications between people..
explain to him how you need more things and that you would like to psend more timewith him..


I think these things are the reason for our arguments.

I just asked him on the phone now..
1.) do you think our living arrangements are sufficient? His answer was (NO)
2.) Do you think you are doing the neccessary things to arrange alternative living arrangments. His answer was (yes)

He will tell me more when he has more time.. since he was on a visit to one of his patients.

So he knows all of my problems with him... but my biggest problem of all is that I have to fight tooth and nail just to get them. I have a friend in the same job as him and he gets home everyday at 5:30. my husband works farther and visits his mother before he arrives home.. so I expect him to be an hour later than my friends husband.. but my husband is 2 hours later and arrives at 7:45 everyday.

At first I talked with him and told him how my friends husband gets home earlier.. so how come he can't... He tried to do the english vague... brushing to the side thing.. and say that his job is diff. from his..

I then had to yell and argue... and point out all the reasons why he was full of it.. before he finally agreed with me that he could perhaps change his schedule and move his afternoon surgery a bit earlier. Hence he then started coming home at 7 pm...
Still he has made no effort to find out how he can come home earlier like his colleagues.. And he has never called my friends husband to ask how he does it.

I am not like other women. I investigate a situation thoroughly to see how things can be resolved or if in fact I am wrong and being too demanding. Its the natural lawyer inside of me.

Thank you for the time in helping me.. and giving me your opinions and thoughts.

SALAAM WA ALAIKUM RAHMANTULLAHI WA BARAKTAHU

its very hard for other people to comment on an individuals case...
but the only advise ican give is.. both of you make points and questions rasie it and try to find answers. like you just did now by phoning him..
sit down have serious discussion.. give him your points.concerns. questions..
and let him do the same.. come up with reaslistic solutions to your problems.. have some time scale in which to put these points and solutions into practise.. take things at a time..

and most of all make duah to allah as he is the all knowing.. this could be a test from allah. as he will test you with your husband kids. family..
hold onto the deen and make duah..

i hope this all works out for you...inshallah

[CheifJunior]

divorce is the very last option but if it comes to that and he is not making an effort then i guess its ok. Get a divorce. Your husband should stick up for the truth whether it be against his own parents. If his parents have done wrong on you then he should note that and support you but he clearly isnt doing that from what ive heard from you. And he is not doing anything or indicating on anything to do something in the future.

In the prophets time divorces used to take place. If you dont get along and argue all the time then i guess its gotta be a divorce nothing more nothing less. Some people just dont get on. I advice you though that this should be the last last last option do everything you can to try to make it work ask someone more knowledgable or a councellor who can help you out.

But if it comes to abuse and mental torture then divorce him. Its not worth it and dont get stuck into that mental frame of mind becuase it will affect you for the rest of your life. Staying alone with a clear mind is better than staying with someone who is mentally torturing and depresiing.

[ummabdullah]

salaamw a alaikum rahmantullahi wa barakatahum

thank you ever so much for your comments and suggestions. It really is such a big help to me.

I fully agree about overlooking over another persons mistakes.. I think its only when one can no longer look over those mistakes.. Like I said.. I could live better without him than with him. (on benefits let alone getting a job)..

and I suppose if we have some religion in the house then I could overlook all of the things that bother me.. Although my husband gives darses to the local community and people look up to him.. he wears a full beard his pants above his ankles.. memorizes quran daily. Really his knowledge is more than anyone I have ever met.. hence his devotion to his children, mother, and father. And to a great extent his good qualities he has had with me.

Its just the strife and pain in my heart.. the headache of having to make all decisions and be a man.. has just gone too far.. I know that by doing this 1 or 2 things will happen.

1.) He realizes his mistakes and starts working on his own problems.. in which naturally he will then surround this family with islam.. take us around pious people regularly. And my eeman can strengthen.. while I grow in my knowledge of Islam.

2.) We divorce, I start working.. and go to every islamic darse I can think of and surround myself around pious people. Move into an area where I can learn arabic and such things. And pray Allah keeps my eeman strengthened. Eventually I may marry again but being wiser about my rights and adding some stipulations into the contract.

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are signs for those who reflect. [ Quran 30:21 ]

That verse would spur me so much to try and do the right thing by my husband...

How does he respond when u ask him to do the house up for you? and if he goes to visit his mother every so often, can u not find a house where u can all live together, cos im sure shes approaching her death ever faster, and you say he has no other family apart from her, maybe living a lonely life like that has caused her to seclude herself from society, maybe if you let her into your home she'd be better off from it, and imagine the reward you'd get from letting your husband carry out his obligation to his mother to the best of his ability.....and maybe your husband would see you're willing to compromise and decide maybe he should start listening to you a bit more and that with an extra person in the house (and there being no place for him to escape during the day) he'll have to get down to it...


Well I have tried to live with his mother.. She lives by herself in a huge 7 bedroom detached mansion with electronic gates. So one would think the house has room enough..

I think it is here I will say that my husband has been married 2 times before. I am his 3rd wife. The first wife was a young, thin, obedient indian girl. His mothers mental problem had the girl leave with none of her belongings.

the second wife was a very pious girl from a wealthy family who lasted about a month.

then me his 3rd wife.. I came to live with his mother.. but it was so difficult. I was locked in the house without having my own key.... while my husband was at work. I was not allowed to go in the front or back garden without my mother in laws permission. Nor was I allowed to wave or talk to the neighbors. I became extremely depressed. My mother in law is so clean that I would miss my prayers because she would make me clean every speck of dust after cooking or making chapati..

I love my mother in law though and would never leave her no matter what happened between us. One day my mother came to visit me from America and she got lost on the british road system. She called my house looking for me and my mother in law told her I didn't live there. ( my mother in law loves me so I think she was a bit jealous). My mother went missing for 3 days with a sprained knee. So naturally I was furious with my mother in law.. and decided to dry my clothes in the unused tumble dryer.. My mother in law cut the cord of the dryer so I couldn't use it.

Of course we started fighting.. and at 7 months pregnant she kicked me out of the house. I stayed in a hotel for a few nights and then my husband found the place we are living now.. a rental at the time. .

5 months after I had my beautiful lil girl.. we found out my mother in law had a heart attack whilst we were visiting my father in law in london. I was chalaki and moved back in with her to take care of her. My husband told her to stay in her bedroom so as not to let her clean the house. And I took on all responsibilities and was happy to look after her.

I put a vase on the breakfast room table as decoration and she threw on the ground shattering it to pieces. She then went on her usual routine. I stayed for a few more weeks. Unfortunately even a speck of dirt or a cry from the baby causes her to have angina.. and so I had to leave for her own sake... and so as not to cause any stress to her life..

my mother in law and me are the best of friends and I love her with all my heart. My husband sees his mother before work, during his lunch break, and after work. All of which I have absolutely no problem with .. and something I encourage.. And although my mother in law is already a wealthy women I have set up the bank account so that my husband gives her money every month through direct debit. My children see their grandmother every weekend.. usually 2 days in a row.. unless she chooses not to see them.

This is a sacrifice I have made for the sake of my husbands mother.. although she has made her life lonely and seperate from her family .. I know that jannah is at the foot of the mother.. and can only wish to have a son who loves me as much as my husband loves his own mother.

And it would be a dream come true for me to take care of my husbands mother and offer my services to her.. If she would allow me to do so.
I think the only problem is that I would be locked up in the house again.. with no friends.. ectr..

As you mentioned.. my husband and his family are extreme to say the least. And it is "annoying." And I'd gladly put up with it.. if I was learning arabic, memorizing quran.. and ectr..

but the fact is that I know that my islam is decreasing because of these problems..

again thank you so much for your comments and caring words. It has really helped relieve me so much.. and also I look forward to asking my husband those questions again.. and seeing what he says.

kind regards and may Allah subhana wa ta'ala guide .. and protect you..
salaam wa alaikum rahmantullahi wa barakatahu

The actions of the heart come before actions of the mouth

[RaNdOm]

:salams

:) read this and see if it is of any help to you...

http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=7653&dgn=4

I think you should really see this as a test from Allah...

Calamities and disasters are a test, and they are a sign of Allaah’s love for a person, because they are like medicine: even though it is bitter, despite its bitterness you give it to the one whom you love – and for Allaah is the highest description. In the saheeh hadeeth it says: “The greatest reward comes with the greatest trial. When Allaah loves a people He tests them. Whoever accepts that wins His pleasure but whoever is discontent with that earns His wrath.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2396) and Ibn Maajah (4031); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

Calamities are good for the believer in the sense that reward is stored up for him the Hereafter thereby; how can it be otherwise when he is raised in status thereby and his bad deeds are expiated? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When Allaah wills good for His slave, He hastens the punishment for him in this world, and when Allaah wills ill for His slave, he withholds the punishment for his sins from him until he comes with all his sins on the Day of Resurrection.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2396); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

From what you say it sounds like your husband is a good man, but maybe he just needs a little sterring in the right direction...you should pray that he realises how you are feeling and make sure you talk to him about it...

“Surely, Allaah is with those who are As‑Saabiroon (the patient)”
[al-Anfaal 6:46]

Is it not possible for you to bear with it? You say you are his 3rd wife...maybe Allah has given you a chance here to better yourself and your husband...there must be reasons why his other wives left him...and i can imagine him expecting you to do the same, maybe thats why he spends so much time with his mother, because he knows that she wont be able to leave him like that and finds that sense of security....



“And say to My slaves (i.e. the true believers of Islamic Monotheism) that they should (only) say those words that are the best. (Because) Shaytaan (Satan) verily, sows a state of conflict and disagreements among them. Surely, Shaytaan (Satan) is to man a plain enemy”


[al-Isra’ 17:53]



Its really good mashaAllah that you are trying to do something about it, and wish to seek help :)



Hmmm I really dont like the idea of divorce and from www.islamqa.com (http://www.islamqa.com/) it says...

It is not permissible for a woman to ask her husband for a divorce unless there is a reason for that, such as bad treatment on the husband’s part, because of the report narrated by Abu Dawood (2226), al-Tirmidhi (1187) and Ibn Maajah (2055) from Thawbaan (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when it is not absolutely necessary, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

'A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a man perfected without trials' hmmm a marriage is meant to be all about give and take and compromise and everything right? well maybe if you try and mould him into a better person by you then later inshaAllah you'll reap the benefits....maybe that's all he needs, someones efforts going into him to help him become a better person in the areas that he is lacking, and you could be the person to do that....and you say he gives darses, well maybe he can teach you more about islam aswell, that way youre both gonna be appreciating each other...

You say your mother is not mentally stable and that you love her very much, this should make it easier to look pass all that she does because you know its not truly from herself, just pray and ask Allah to bless you with patience in difficult times...

“But if you endure patiently, verily, it is better for As‑Saabiroon (the patient)”
[al-Nahl 16:126]

“But if you remain patient and become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious), not the least harm will their cunning do to you. Surely, Allaah surrounds all that they do”
[Aal ‘Imraan 3:120]

“Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost”
[Yoosuf 12:90]

You seem like a strong person mashaAllah and i know that you do have it in you to try and make things better for you and him, a LOT of patience will be required but everytime you get down and it hurts....the thought of the reward you will be getting inshaAllah should help bring you up again...i dno it saddens me when people give up so easily, because i think theres always that turning point and if keep your complete trust in Allah then victory will only be yours....so many times we here the things really worth it are those that we have put so much effort into, because those are the things you truly appreciate as ur hard works and soul have gone into making it right.....rather than thinking about how the situation is bad now, try and look to how it can be in the future and try and work towards that...

Just remember :love: Inna Lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon (Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return...:love:

[ummabdullah]

salaam wa alaikum rahmantullahi wa barakatahu

Thankyou so much random!!!!!!!!!!!

My eeman has become so low lately. Its only when he's out of the house that I can feel it lifting again.

You are so right.. this is a test from Allah.... And a successful marriage is a test for both of us. InshAllah we can both learn from this!

I know I need to first strengthen my eeman and complete my prayers properly.. at the end of the day the whole purpose of being married is to worship Allah. " I have not created Jinn and mankind accept that they may worship me." My husband is just something from the duniya.. that Allah may give me in the Janny if I'm a good girl and worship him.. but I'm not gonna go to jannah unless I start worshiping Allah!!!!

my kids are just the duniya too .. no one is going to ask me about what they used to do .. or how they affected me.. and my religion.. Allah is going to ask me what I used to do .. and how I strove to worship him and keep my eeman strong.

I too believe in lasting marriage.. and that divorce should never be done without the strongest reasons. Hence I am hoping he or me can change to survive our marriage and still go to Jannah. InshAllah.

Every believer still has a chance to touch the fire before they get to Jannah.



thank you sis.. for reminding me of the test from Allah.. and I am happy with that test inshALLAh..

salaam wa alaikum rahmantullahi w barakatahu

[CheifJunior]

is there a communication problem between you two?

because talking could solve a lot of problems.

[ummabdullah]

salaam wa alaikum

yes cheif junior.. we have major communication problems!!!
I am happy to report that since I seperated from him he has actually started communicating with me on a very serious level.. and we have even discussed issues like marriage counselling.

I usually tell him my worries.. ectr.. He usually just stays silent.. and never answers a question... doesn't matter whether we are argueing or just on a day to day basis..

If I ask him to buy me a car he doesn't respond.. or he says sure.. and I'm patient and wait for over 2 years for him to suggest going out to look for one... I don't even dear go and look myself.. as he is the man.. and I wouldn't want to upset him. Sure I mentioned more than a few times.. told him how depressed its making me.. He sure seems to take a long time though.

salaam wa alaikum

[Jigsaw]

ill pray for you sister you got some problems there.

if you leave him do you think he will learn anything? will he just go back to his mum and get married again? will he ever chagne or grow up at his age?

if you stay youll have alot of work to do, because the mother in law will always be around. your case is truley a test from Allah it seems, since the mother in law has a mental illness. you are a ver good daughter in law an exampel to all of us who have it easy.

your husband needs to be a man. he needs to be taught a lesson of life.

i hope its not too late for him to grow up. altough he sounds like a good son as well. bless to take care of his mum so.

whatever you do sister, you are deficately going to reap heavens reward it seems, for loving your mother in law and husband so. i hope everything goes well for you. inshallah.

[RaNdOm]

:salams

When the enemy of Allah realised the virtue of gratitude, he made his main aim to keep people away from it:

"Then will I assault them from before them and behind them, from their right and their left: nor will You find, in most of them, gratitude (for Your mercies.)"

[al-A'raf 7:17]

Remember this isnt going to be easy and that Shaitaan is constantly going to try and break you...and he probably thinks hes come close, but dont let him get the better of you...... you just have to remember that if you remain steadfast with your trust in Allah, inshaAllah all will be good....

"Then remember Me; I will remember you. Be grateful to Me, and do not reject Me"

[al-Baraqah 2:152]


"...This is by the grace of my Lord! - to test me whether I ame grateful or ungrateful! And if any is grateful, truly his gratitude is (a gain) for his own soul; but if any is ungrateful, truly my Lord is free of all needs, Supreme in honour!"

[an-Naml 27:40]


"And remember! your Lord caused to be declared (publicly): 'If you are grateful, I will add more (favours) unto you; but if you show ingratitude, truly My punishment is terrible indeed"

[Ibrahim 14:7]


"Or do you suppose that you would enter Paradise without facing the same as those who came before you? Poverty and illness afflicted them and they were shaken to the point that the Prophet and the believers with him said, 'when is Allah's help coming?' Be assured that Allah's help is very near"

[al-Baqarah 2:214]

I really really really hope you do manage to make your marriage a success inshaAllah because right now you're at the crossroads trying to decide which path to take...i'll pray for you inshaAllah that Allah grants you with patience and courage to overcome any trial that may be thrown at you Ameen

You mentioned the thing that is gonna help you the most, your emaan 'belief in the heart, words on the tongue and actions of the body.' keep that strong and inshaAllah you'll be smiling :D

On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (PBUH) said: Allah the Almighty said:

I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed. :love:

[Hekmaa]

Dear Sister let us think about your options in the order that Allah teaches us in the Holy Quran and the way His Holy Prophet SAW lead by example.

Divorce is not really an option in resolve, it is a break off, or a disconnection. We as Muslims are taught to first try everything before we look at divorce. The hadith of the Holy Prophet SAW states "From all the things that Allah has made allowable, he hates divorce the most". In another hadith he SAW mentions "when a divorce takes place, the arsh of Allah moves with anger" though some ullama classify this later hadith as weak, it still tells us how hated divorce is in Islam.

From reading your post I have a few things to point out to you, the first is from your initial post where you mention:

"His mother controls everything he does ... even to the point that she follows him to the bathroom to clean the toilet after he is finished. And he does not know how to put one foot in front of the other without someone telling him too do so."

Then later on in one of your other posts you mention on the same issue:

"(she has an obsessive cleaning disorder). Hence my husband goes to the loo and she is in there within 5 min. to clean the toilet.. and this is something which embarrasses my husband."

This is quiet common when we are involved in a difficulty with someone, that our mind tends to make things look bigger then they are. In saying that, I fully appreciate the struggle you are going through. However, I am sure if you were to step back and give yourself a little room and list the problems you have with your husband, i doubt the list would be very long.

Allot of the time, the involvement of a third person puts the relationship of a couple out of balance. That is why in the Holy Quran Allah mentions "hakamam min ahle hee, wa hakamam min ahle haa" "a representative from his side, and a representative from her side". The word Hakamam in arabic does not simply mean a respresentation, but someone responsible and worthy of repsenting. Someone calm and rational. So we see that the message in Islam is towards resolve, rather then break up.

You mentioned that otherwise you and your husband loved each other and you are both happy with each other. Most importantly you mentioned that he loves his kids and that he is a good father.

Dear Sister you mentioned that your husband comes home at 7:45 which is 2 hours and 15 minutes later then your friends husband. Say that your husband spends all that two hours with his mother, does a mother not deserve that much time in a day from her son? Especially a mother that is ill as you descrubed her. Him being an only child makes his bond with his mother extremly close, something you should have noted before marrying him.

Only childs usually find all companionship and friendship in their parents, as they dont have other siblings, thus their bond is much stronger than the normal child/parent relationship. So for them 2 hours and 15minutes a day may not be enough, while for someone from a bigger family where that relationship isnt as strong 2 hours a week maybe sufficient.

With your mother in law being ill, we can not but assume alot of her actions are related to her condition, and as Muslims we are taught to be patient with the ill and elderly.

Things that can improve your 1 to 1 relationship is, you have your husband from say about 8pm until the morning. This is the time you both need to turn into quality time. Try to feel each others needs, rather then feeling sorry for your own difficulties.

Dear sister it is clear that you would want more time with your husband and it is your right to have that time. If you feel your husband has time that he can give you and the children and he is not doing so. Then sit down with him and talk to each other as people who love each other. As a couple who want to resolve the situation. Yelling and arguements are always at the door, they walk in without invitation. However if you want to resolve the situation, you both need to go out on a picnic, or a day out. Get out of the present enviroment, get some fresh air, and discuss the situation at hand with a fresh look.

All the above being said, the most important key is the key of Dua, pray to Allah and ask Allah to firstly give you patients and to help you both resolve the issue.

May Allah bring ease and happiness to your lives, and make your home a happy home, a home of Quran and Sunnah, and keep away all the Shayateenal Ins wal jin.

[Al-Irhaab]

assalamaualaikum

sister you should not look at what another persons husband does and force it upon yours, as you said his mother is ill so the two hours he spends with her are justified, you are not within your islamic right to demand what time he is home and what time he isnt, nor are you within your rights to throw him out of the house.

you are fully within your rights to demand that he provided adequate living accomodation, from what i can see money is not a problem, so i fail to see how adequate accomodation is a problem, if you dont feel he is decorating correctly or that he is not putting the right furniture, then why not take money from him and do it yourself, he seems to be the lazy type who dont know jack about home living, thefore just take the initiative and use his money to pay for it. also perhaps taking some time away with him, like umrah or a holiday would be worthwhile and bring you closer.

why not make your house into a place of worship and dawah, bring friends round and discuss about islam regularly, have dawah events at home, or circles for children etc, this way both your eman will strengthen and your bond will be closer.

ill be honest with you from what i can see the arguement is over something which is very little and can be solved easily with some tact and some thought. Other then that I hope allah (Swt) makes it easy for both of you and you reconcile quickly and inshallah have a fruitful marriage

[ummabdullah]

salaam wa alaikum

actually my husband does not spend 2 hours with his mother after work.. He spends 15 to 30 minutes with her at most.Usually she is praying and doesn't talk at all with him.. . Most of his 1 hour lunch break and 1 hour in the morning is spent with his mother. He spends one whole day with her on the weekend.. and two if I don't ask him to do anything. Other wise he spends half a day with her.

[ummabdullah]

salaam alaikum..

sis I am not sure your married with kids..

You said 8 pm to 7 in the morning is my time with him...

by the time my husband comes home.. I am so tired.. I can barely stand on my feet I have a 2 year old and 6 month old. My 2 year old has said goodbye to naps for a long time now.. and is very active and cries alot. Try having 2 babies who cry all day long dear!!!! At the same time.

I have no car.. to go to a friends house.. and I have to do all of the shopping on my own.. sometimes walking till my hands are sore from the bags... to taking a taxi for baby goods...

My aunt came with me one time when she visited me from america. She was horrified the amount of work I had to do and then my husband would come home and not even lift a finger..

but I don't blame him.. he's had a long day too.. And even if I did have the energy he is shattered when he comes home after a long days work...

He barely eats my meals that I prepare... and clean up for him after wards.. Leaving me to eat the rest... He plays with the kids.. does his salah.. and then maybe watches the news before he drifts off on the floor.. He wakes up for his isha salah.. .. and then up again for another day...

I don't find a moment in there for us to talk.. nor would I ask him for one.. he is working hard all day..

On the weekends he wakes up late to catch up on his sleep.. then goes straight to his moms house.. unless I ask him to take me somewhere for household things...... As soon as hes finished he goes back to his moms house for a while.. comes back home and we have time to talk on sat. evening (if he doesn't go and play squash).. and a lil on sunday evening.. before the week starts again on Monday...

If you had kids you would know how very lil time it is.. And how lonely I must be stuck in the house all day with 2 kids without a family member around.. I am sure if I was an uneducated women from a village it wouldn't bother me.

Still as I said in my previous messages I am happy for his to spend this time with his mother and it in no way is something we argue about in any way..

My problem is that he doesn't bother to make a home here as he has with his mother..

[Hekmaa]

Alhamdulilah we have established a few things.

Dear sister is it possible to have a girlfriend come over to give you a hand, or your mum or even a nanny. Say 2 times a week, to go shopping with you and take care of the kids? So atleast 2 times a week you are not as tired and you can spend sometime on yourself.

It seems that you are more tired and worn out rather than have a problem with your husband.

He is also tired from work and worn out to do any chores around the home after work.

It can be definitely hard having to babies to look after both of them being young.

How are the babies, do the sleep and eat well? or do you find them restles? if they were more calmer would that give you more time? Maybe you can see a doctor or a herbal specialist to give you some advice on how to get the babies to rest better and cry less.

It will definitely help if you can find out why the babies are restless and also get a helping hand a couple days a week, just to take some pressure of you. I think since both of you are under pressure, you both could do with a helping hand.

May Allah give you help from His Bounties.

[puella]

my dear sister, i have read your very descriptive posts and mashaAllah both you and your husband do seem to be very trying people. I implore you to look at the positive side of things here, he prays, has a very good job by the sounds of things, devoted father and mashaAllah a very devoted son. ok so its a big hole in the wall that he doesnt even acknowledge you (maybe a bit harsh?!)..and you also are practising mashaAllah. you have two beautiful children who are healthy (by the comments you made of the screaming!) mashaAllah...what more could you want?!

i understand that a mans love and attention makes it all the more worthwhile, but what is his pat on the back worth when Allah is the one who has the goody bags?!..it is hard sister, i know, beleive me i do!..but you are one the most fortunate women in ourr ummah....you are able to go through these tests and draw closer to Allah inshaAllah.

With regards to your mother inl aw, sister..this will be very harsh too, but Allah alone knows how long she has to live...please do not take time away from her son that he spends with her...because he may after that resent you for it and you will be neither here nor there!..your children are wathing too and trust me, what goes around comes around...they see your usband spending time and fulfilling his duty to his mother and they will do the same with their parents inshaAllah.

and let us not forget that our parents cared for us so dearly when we were young, tending to our every need...he is only trying to repay that debt although we will never be able to repay our parents for all that they have sacrificed for us.

i am not trying to belittle your situation at all, because you alone know how it is..inshaAllah with time and effort it will all sort itself out.

May Allah make it easy for you both. Ameen

[ummabdullah]

salaam wa alaikum

I wish sis.. it was that simple.. I would neither let sisters in my area know my situation.. nor do I think they would bother to come give me a helping hand.. Most seem to busy with their own lives.. I have a heart problem... and while I was pregnant with my second child not one sister came to my house to help me out..

My husband is not that much into going places or invite people over... And so I rarely invite people over unless I feel obliged to do so due to cultural reasons..

Like I mentioned my first 2 years of marriage I was locked in the house unable to visit people.. His mother does not like the idea of inviting people over to eat ... So I never really had the opportunity..

Now that I live on my own .. I started to get involved and to include my husband.. hence people ask him to give darses and the such.. but he doesn't like to give them (which is an islamic thing anyway).. and unless pushed never goes to visit people.. He has never once invited anyone over the house.

these small things do not bother me.. I know they can be corrected in the long term.. My big problem is that he doesn't make this his home.. with his children and his wife..

actually he probably doesn't have a home.. and I don't think he cares about himself to make one... He is sort of used to everything literally being handed to him.. Like I mentioned his mother has a sort of Hindu like culture.. of worshipping men. And I mean literally worship them... He can come in the house and get mud all over the floor.. she will never say a word and clean it up for him..Its almost a bit like a movie.. of a king with a million servants.. I know its sounds exaggerated.. ... It is absolutely true.. and real. The only thing he doesn't have is a driver to drive him around everywhere. His mother has her own money.. and controls the house.. and he has never even thought of buying a seperate house from his mother. Until of course I was pregnant and had no place to live.. Rather than paying rent I negotiated the landlord to sell me this tiny place. Now your right his job is good.. so how come he has never bothered to save up money before marrying me to pay for his own house..

He didn't even know how much he made .. and he miscaculated his taxes and now he is paying back to the goverment.. Before marriage his mother had complete control of his paycheck... Now I have access to it.. but islamically I don't spend it.. without his permission.. and he rarely gives me permission other than for food and clothes without an argument. Not even a much needed bed for my daughter ectr.. (nor would he take me to go get the bed)...

[Jigsaw]

...........................

[Jigsaw]

.......................tripel post lol

[Jigsaw]

sounds like a good son therefore he must be a gooood muslim

but what a lousey husband and that makes him half a man and in my opinion lacking in his marital duties and imaan.

sister if you were uneducated you would be better off it seems.

and in this issue lets not any of us naturaly bring in the evil mother in law situation

this is a lousey husband situation end off

no excuse in the world even a ill family member, and your not the only one sis!

should get in the way of a man fullfilling his islamic duties.

[MMS]

is your husband a doctor??

if so, where do his wages go? (you dont have to answer that if you dont want)

[lao tzu]

Greetings, ummabdullah,

While I'm a bit hesitant to offer you advice, I would like to point out there are caring professionals who do this sort of work for a living. Consider sitting down with your husband for an hour during the weekend with a relationship counselor. They are trained to listen impartially to the issues raised, and validate the concerns of each party by stressing those things you may not be hearing from each other. But the issues they stress are only those you bring up. It is not a judgmental environment. You can no doubt find listings for those offering these services in your phone book, and perhaps on the web as well.

My best wishes to you and your family.

As ever, in peace, Jesse

[ummabdullah]

salaam wa alaikum

Its funny you should mention that MMS. Yes he is a doctor in england..

well since I married him.. we saved £20,000 grand.. I have no idea where the rest of his money went too.. we used that £20,000 grand to buy the house i live in now along with 10,000 from his mom.. It took me years to convince him to get an islamic mortgage for a new house.

Since we bought this house 2 years ago.. he went part time at first and now he works full time.. making less then any of our friends in the same type of work. I think he thinks money grows on trees... Like I keep mentioning he doesn't look into things to see if he can do it better.

so your right he is a doctor.. so its not like he is stupid or something.. In fact he went to both harvard and cambridge..
to all you usa muslims out there... a doctor in england doesn't earn half as much as one in the US...

[puella]

salaam wa alaikum

Its funny you should mention that MMS. Yes he is a doctor in england..

well since I married him.. we saved £20,000 grand.. I have no idea where the rest of his money went too.. we used that £20,000 grand to buy the house i live in now along with 10,000 from his mom.. It took me years to convince him to get an islamic mortgage for a new house.

Since we bought this house 2 years ago.. he went part time at first and now he works full time.. making less then any of our friends in the same type of work. I think he thinks money grows on trees... Like I keep mentioning he doesn't look into things to see if he can do it better.

so your right he is a doctor.. so its not like he is stupid or something.. In fact he went to both harvard and cambridge..
to all you usa muslims out there... a doctor in england doesn't earn half as much as one in the US...

hmmmm...khayr, one thing i would like to point out to you sis, is that i dont think you should be allowing anyone to say anything on this forum or anywhere about your husbands character, whether he is the new age scrouge/miser, a hypocrite...or whatever..nothing of the sort should be allowed...am i right?

khayr sister what is in the past is in the past...you need to focus on the ufuture inshaAllah. is there no one in the family who you can ask to mediate?..i see he has no siblings, may then your siblings, or a freind of his who is knowledgable and wise?..or better even ask the imam of the masjid to counsel you....its all down to the communication,and if you do truly love each other for the sake of Allah, youwill get through it inshaAllah

[Tahiyah]

sounds like his mom may be suffering from some serious anxiety disorders/agoraphobia ~ social disorders or even jinn?. advise your husband to seek treatment for her. a muslim physician or psychologist?

she is out of control in her own life so she controls his. if he has been raised like this all his life, he doesnt know anything better. you should learn all you can on these imbalances and how to treat them and then share the information with your husband. it sounds as tho she may be guilt tripping him?

mental illness can destroy relationships and family ties. education and patience is necessary.

May Allah grant you ease and protect you from all evil things. amin.

[EbuZerr]

assalamaualaikum

sister you should not look at what another persons husband does and force it upon yours, as you said his mother is ill so the two hours he spends with her are justified, you are not within your islamic right to demand what time he is home and what time he isnt, nor are you within your rights to throw him out of the house.

you are fully within your rights to demand that he provided adequate living accomodation, from what i can see money is not a problem, so i fail to see how adequate accomodation is a problem, if you dont feel he is decorating correctly or that he is not putting the right furniture, then why not take money from him and do it yourself, he seems to be the lazy type who dont know jack about home living, thefore just take the initiative and use his money to pay for it. also perhaps taking some time away with him, like umrah or a holiday would be worthwhile and bring you closer.

why not make your house into a place of worship and dawah, bring friends round and discuss about islam regularly, have dawah events at home, or circles for children etc, this way both your eman will strengthen and your bond will be closer.

ill be honest with you from what i can see the arguement is over something which is very little and can be solved easily with some tact and some thought. Other then that I hope allah (Swt) makes it easy for both of you and you reconcile quickly and inshallah have a fruitful marriage

I sign this...

[Hekmaa]

Does he speak to you about his mothers condition? Is he sad about it? do you think this lose of interest in life could be because he thinks he is losing his mum?

If he really is as you say he is, not motivated and less interested, maybe he needs to talk about what is really bothering him.

Is everything else ok in the marriage?


My final advice would be that you both go and see a Muslim counselor there are a few real good ones in the UK, I have heard that Hwaa Irfan is a good one, she is somewhere in south london, she also manages the online counselor section on www.islam-online.net (http://www.islam-online.net). These guys are professionals, so it maybe worth a trip.

[MMS]

salaam wa alaikum

Its funny you should mention that MMS. Yes he is a doctor in england..

well since I married him.. we saved £20,000 grand.. I have no idea where the rest of his money went too.. we used that £20,000 grand to buy the house i live in now along with 10,000 from his mom.. It took me years to convince him to get an islamic mortgage for a new house.

Since we bought this house 2 years ago.. he went part time at first and now he works full time.. making less then any of our friends in the same type of work. I think he thinks money grows on trees... Like I keep mentioning he doesn't look into things to see if he can do it better.

so your right he is a doctor.. so its not like he is stupid or something.. In fact he went to both harvard and cambridge..
to all you usa muslims out there... a doctor in england doesn't earn half as much as one in the US...

wow doctors earn between 70k-100k a year and u dont know where the money goes??

maybe that is something you need to talk about :rubeyes:

[Al-Muhaajiroun]

Salaam.

Sorry to be soo harsh but i always hear similar stories to yours and i even wonder if it is a joke, because these husband OR wife say these things about there partner but then again didnt you know about this with your husband before you married him? or did you marry with a blind fold? i mean its a BIG sign to miss isnt it regarding his mum controls him, didnt you know that before hand? I mean i just cant see anyone missing someone characters not good enough, mentality wise yes but not from a character.

Sorry, like i said im not trying to be harsh on you, im just trying to understand.

Is your husband a practicing muslim?

[puella]

wow doctors earn between 70k-100k a year and u dont know where the money goes??

maybe that is something you need to talk about :rubeyes:

honey that is only when they get very experienced...my bro is Dr and he doesnt earn anything near that and he locums too mashaAllah...mashaAllah he has been blessed with plentiful...but not that much...not yet anyway!

[ummabdullah]

My husband is a proper gp.. and even if he did have his own practice I doubt he would earn that much.. That is a consultant salary in hospital..

a gp is his own boss.. meaning that they have a business.. The salary you hear most gps say they make is all the money they rake in before paying the practice nurses, reception, mortgage ectr ectr.

Most gps in the UK are taking home about £65,000... which may sound good to some people.. but they then have to pay for medical fees after taxes.... which means they actually get paid 55,000. without a company car... and having to pay petrol for visits..


My problem is not that he doesn't make enough people.. Its how he handles what he makes that bothers me.. ... Its the fact that I have to do everything!!! from selling our house.. to looking for a new one.. and getting absolutely no response from him on any issues of importance.. Its that I have no bed for my daughter because he cannot be a man and take me to the shop to get one..nor make any decision about his plans for the future. Or that he cannot make my living situation easier by either fixing up this house or getting me a new one. I have to argue with him for everything I need.. and then I still don't get what I need..

I'm not asking for a mansion people! Maybe a tumble dryer... like we have back in america might be nice.. or a car to take the clothes to the laundry mat.. and perhaps go to an islamic circle.. would be nice.. To be able to call my mother from our telephone.. and visit every so often... Put my children in good schools.

Their is no reason for a doctors wife to live in the worst area of town where her children have no garden to play.. (while even taxi drivers, and pizza delivery men in my area live in semi detached houses or bigger terraces.) The house are cheaper up here than other areas of the country. Or that he can't move me closer to his mother and job.. so that he can come home a bit earlier.. ..and save on petrol.

[Muslim Virus]

recently i heard on the news GP's were earning a minimum of 150K .:confused:

[afrasayab]

Please take no offense, but damn that's one ****edup family! Your mother-in-law is a mental case and your husband sounds like a troll and this dude was married twice before, and I can't find one decent girl, lol. Some ppl should not be allowed to get married and breed. Not sure how you have been dealing with it!

Now on a serious note, It is good that you are rationalizing your situation and trying to solve it. My Allah give you patience and guidance. I have to say that some ppl never change, and if your husband didn't do anything to change and lost 2 wives (basicaly destroyed 2 lives) before, he is not going to change now, unless something drastic/tramatic/tragic happens.

Forgive me if I have offended you, I just can't seem to suger coat my views.

[ummabdullah]

don't worry afra sayab.. as an american I think sugar coating is for the fruitcakes...

Yes I know all you said is true.. I am glad to have a bit of good news.. My husband is finally getting the message or so it seems.. After asking him to leave the house.. he is starting to realize that he is not there for me..

I am so glad I have stood up for my rights contrary to what these eastern muslims do and suggest.. I think it is so much more islamic this way.. Women are not walls for men to walk on..

after speaking with a few sisters on this issue.. every one of them suggest patience. The kind of patience that allows a man to walk on a women.. I find my actions more patient than that.. standing up for ones rights is difficult! It can have alot of consequences that are almost unbearable.. However, the outcome is from Allah ar razzaq. And his rights are one of the many blessings he has bestowed upon us.

sisters your not teaching your men anything or those oppressors.. If a person has an oppressive ruler.. than he or she can leave the country. If a person has a father who is oppressive (like in ibraheems case) than he or she can leave them... and likewise if a women has an oppressive husband than she has the option to divorce him...

And I know by giving my husband an ultimatum I am doing the best I can for him. I am teaching him that his actions are wrong and need to improve. I am teaching my children that these actions are wrong and I do not want them to do the same.

And sure its difficult for me.. i am the one with no job, no food in the house, no family to help me out.. Allah is the ar razzaaq.. he will provide for those people who believe and do righteous good deeds!!!

[afrasayab]

American eh?... as you can tell I am canadian.

You are right sister, patience doesn't mean you let ppl walk over you. Yes is it important but sometimes you have to make ppl listen, and just begging doesnt do any good in those cases. As you said you are trying to do the best for yourself and your family, and standing up for your rights. Only Allah knows best.

You should treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated, if you can't do that then don't marry. It ****es me off especialy when guyz who are married and even have kids, dont take the responsibility, they are just not men.

I hope your situation improves soon. May Allah help you and guide you.

[neelu]

It sounds like you lead a busy life so it might be difficult to find time to read, but I suggest you read "relationship rescue" by Phil McGraw. A lot of the stuff he says is general and applicable to marriages in crisis in a general sense, so I think you'll find a LOT of stuff there that's relevant to you. Obviously, he's not Muslim, so just ignore any advice that appears to contradict Islam. Other than that, I think you'll find it useful.

didnt you know about this with your husband before you married him? or did you marry with a blind fold?

That's rich coming from you akhi. You're the one who lectured quest about having the occassional 20 second phone call with her rishta as if she'd committed some sort of major sin- even though she'd passed all the information and contact to her mahram straight away... And now YOU have the audacity to say "didn't you find this out beforehand".

[NotOverYet]

Alhamdulilah we have established a few things.

Dear sister is it possible to have a girlfriend come over to give you a hand, or your mum or even a nanny. Say 2 times a week, to go shopping with you and take care of the kids? So atleast 2 times a week you are not as tired and you can spend sometime on yourself.

It seems that you are more tired and worn out rather than have a problem with your husband.

He is also tired from work and worn out to do any chores around the home after work.

It can be definitely hard having to babies to look after both of them being young.

How are the babies, do the sleep and eat well? or do you find them restles? if they were more calmer would that give you more time? Maybe you can see a doctor or a herbal specialist to give you some advice on how to get the babies to rest better and cry less.

It will definitely help if you can find out why the babies are restless and also get a helping hand a couple days a week, just to take some pressure of you. I think since both of you are under pressure, you both could do with a helping hand.

May Allah give you help from His Bounties.
Dear Sister in Islam
Assalam o Alaikom wa Rahmatullah e wa Barakatoho
I am confused of what to tell you, because I am not a married person, to know the real feelings. Whatever I would say here I might do it just based on my knowledge that I have gained (preparedness) from here and there. But anyways let me tell you few things InshaAllah, and then the rest would be upon you to accept or reject it.
The brothers over here advised you well, MashaAllah, but there is one thing missing or I missed something and that is that no one told you to understand why is he doing so? Does he have no another choice because his mother is alone? Is it the problem that you have not understood him the way it is required? Are their other factors for that? It seems to me, that MashaAllah you love him very much, but that could not be enough now find out why is he doing so? Why doesn't he show any kind of interest? Have you ever watched him over his activities and working environment? I am afraid he has another problem. Most of us (MEN) are doing a bad thing and that is, after he gets full of the first wife, and is thinking of another, he starts acting like this. Make sure if it is not like that. But my advice to you is to control over him. You have no another choice. Find the problem out, and then solve it. That is the solution. Now how can you find it that depends on how smart you act. First you have to assess everything.
Let me tell you one thing, if you found out that he has no another choice, rather living with his mom because she is alone, then you should move to his house. Because at that case, he is doing right, and you have to support him.
Asking so many questions (direct ones) will increase the problem, how should you go so you can decrease this tension and shorten the distance, this all needs correct assessments and taking measurements and on correct & right decision making.
Don’t ever be emotional, all the time use your intellect. Be a smart politician although you are playing it in a really small scale.

The problem amongst today’s Muslims is that most of them are thinking through the law and the rights (legislative way of thinking), however they should implement the political method of thinking in everywhere. That is the only solution. Play your hard ball to keep it (unless you are not doing something Haraam).
For example if I am living with my wife, and I don’t wash my self properly and my mouth is smelling because I am using something like that and so on, then there is nothing haraam with it, but of course my wife would be feeling not well, and slowly, slowly she start hating me, now to avoid that I should play different things. First I have to be clean, use different types of perfumes and so on. I know now everyone who is reading this might be saying that what the h**l am I saying, but believe this is true, and you have to accept that in the long run it affects the relations. The same is about your keeping relations with the other members of the family. You are not doing anything which they don’t like; otherwise you are creating appositions for yourself.
Each step should be taken so smartly, and this is what, we are obligated for!

Note: unless you don’t marry for the second time, according to the Shari’a law, you can take your children until 7 years, so if he is a good Muslim, then I don’t think if he will go for some other ways, InshaAllah. But again, why would you think of separation why not getting back together?

Assalam o Alaikom wa Rahmatullah e wa Barakatoho

[ummabdullah]

oh neelu.. I thought it was a bit funny when al-muhajiroon said that.. I mean come on every asian girl knows that their is no set up to really get to know our future spouse the way we should.

One thing I plan on doing with my own daughter is to let her know the future spouse inside and out.. and visit the family before she marries..

[NotOverYet]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Al-Muhaajiroun
didnt you know about this with your husband before you married him? or did you marry with a blind fold?


Brother, as far as I know, Al-Muhajiroon should be teaching Qadha & Qadar. if so, then why would you say so? don't you believe on Qadha and Qadar? if you do so, then why you asking such a question?

[nomadicfoodie]

I'm not Muslim but a few things may help.

i) Get your Mother in law in treatment! Her son has obviously been affected in his development being raised by her "peculiarities' but he's not a dr for nothing. Some medication may make her less anxious and therefore less controlling, she may relax enough to enjoy her beautiful house with others.
ii) nobody is an island. You, your MIL and your hubby need support outside the family as well. And support that is not only about all of you together relating well, but also for each of you individually. Make some friends, develop some connections for yourself. I strongly suggest you go to a muslim Mums support group/playgroup for your kids. otherwise you risk becoming as 'peculiar" as your MIL and your kids as disconnected!
iii) Your hubby seems to just "not know," many highly educated intelligent people have no emotional intelligence at all. In fact for men, and Cambridge / Harvard men in particular (I have experience there!) it's all laid on for life so understanding their support base (you) and servants doesn't make a blip on the horizon!

Because hubby doesn't know it is your duty to TEACH him. i can't imagine how frightened and MORE disconnected he may be now. He has NO skills to put things together. To me it is NOT un islamic for you to lead him in teaching him your needs as well as the kids. making a man who is so disconnected GUESS will never succeed. See your "requests" are clearly put out there, not as an "idea" that your daughter needs a bed, but as a real NEED that must be attended to. If he can't accompany you, have him agree that you will order a delivery from online shopping (IKEA? John Lewis?) He's probably wondering how he can keep your respect but clueless in being able to express that he has no idea of what his PRACTICAL job description is as a husband. These academic types are hopeless. They mostly can't organize themselves out of a paper bag because they have NO TRAINING, it is not emasculating to gently but firmly take charge. He will LOVE you for caring for yourself and your family in ways he obviously can't. God has given you practical skills he doesn't have and so use them!

think of ways to make him less afraid of making a bad decision, men often have no training in these things but are overnight expected to take all the responsibility and do it perfect. that's intimidating and no wonder he delays and avoids doing anything if he has no way of learning how and can't admit it because he "should". It's not his fault he's stunted there, he must feel fear and shame and very exposed and vulnerable a lot of times with you. Help him.

you will get more of what you want too. when everyone is cared for (however that happens) everyone does better and there will be a happier home and healthier more functional kids and more love and joy - praise God/Allah!