Arguing

[HamnahBintJahsh]

assalamu alaikum warahmatullah..

This topic is something I don't see discussed very often, but I think its important.

We all know marriage isnt hunky dory and couples go through their ups and downs... which leads to the main issue.. arguing..

How does one deal with such events. What if one finds that they are arguing with their spouse often. How do a married couple deal with it..?

Arguing can sometimes be minor.. but it can also be the route for the destruction of the marriage.. Personally I think its scary because I was bought up by parents who argued excessively to the point where my view of marriage became argumentation. I also am quite an argumentative person and I know I'l most probably challenge my husband.. all too often..

[ibn suleman]

walaykumasalaam

hmmm not sure what ur asking, whether its how to avoid arguments, or how to resolve arguments, anyway i guess what's below applies to both

this is from experience (from seeing (lots) of couples argue) these can apply to all arguments not just marital ones.

1- listen (LISTEN CAREFULLY AND ATTENTIVELY) and don't interrupt the other

2-have lots of patience

3-don't get angry!

there are many hadiths on points 2 and 3 that mention their benefits and blessings, and point 1 is absolutely vital.

[Tahiyah]

seek refuge in Allah (swt) from Shayton before speaking to your husband

Shayton loves to make married couples argue as this can lead into much worse situations

remember that the Prophet (saw) said to women to fear the fire, as its inhabitants are mostly women

women who do not appreciate what their husbands do for them and tell their husbands that they do nothing for them, when in reality the husbands are working hard

[Supernova Nebula]

walaykumasalaam

hmmm not sure what ur asking, whether its how to avoid arguments, or how to resolve arguments, anyway i guess what's below applies to both

this is from experience (from seeing (lots) of couples argue) these can apply to all arguments not just marital ones.

1- listen (LISTEN CAREFULLY AND ATTENTIVELY) and don't interrupt the other

2-have lots of patience

3-don't get angry!

there are many hadiths on points 2 and 3 that mention their benefits and blessings, and point 1 is absolutely vital.

Need to learn a lot myself

[Al-ghurabah]

i can talk from experience. women are very complicated,and difficult.. if me and the wife argue. i just play it down by joking around so we both get over it quickly. sumtimes its best to say nothing. you just make it worse..

but allhamdulillah cant remember much arguing anyway inshallah it stays that way..

[greenwater]

I agree with ibn suleman.

If you fear an argument is about to rise, always listen carefully to what the other is saying, without interrupting. When people start interrupting, trying to get their own point across that's when arguments start being born. Listening carefully on hot topics, or pressure situation etc requires a lot of patience. You then just think over what they said, and ask questions to clarify anything you are not clear on, before thinking again and giving an answer.

You can actually practise learning to listen carefully without interrupting when talking with siblings, relatives, friends etc esp on hot topics or such, where there different people trying to get their point accross in a debate or such.

I myself don't like arguments, so I just tend to stay quiet.

Also always remember Allah (swt) and while in such a situation (where an argument is about to rise), remember the Prophet (saw) and think what he would do in such a situation.

As Al-ghurabah, throwing in a joke is a good way to calm the situation.

Oh yeah, and always try to make sure you are sat down, if your standing, then ones emotions can get carried away, and depending on how angry a person gets, can end up causing them to grab the nearest object and throwing it or something.

:up:

[Maryam_akhtar]

personally i'd make sure that before the night ends, i go and ask for forgivness from my husband. even if its not my fault.
That way, the next morning InshAllah everything will be back to normal.

[elefantebianco]

salaams....

i personally thinks it comes down to 2 things....

firstly when one is fire the other becomes water....for too much fire will just brun down the marriage....

secondaly never sleep until the argument/problem has been resolved...i think this would work best....

thirdly (i know i said 2 things but this is imp) do not get other ppl invovled unless its at the end of your tither....

may Allah bless muslim marriages and use them to aid us in unity with eachother...

I do think that when many of us think marriage we do not think of problems we may encounter and do think of it in a idealistic manner....

[ABDELWAHHAB]

which leads to the main issue.. arguing..


wa Alaykom as-Salaam wa-Rahmatullaahi wa-Barakaatuh Ukhtee HamnahBintJahsh

in’shaa’ALLAH my Future Devout Chaste Muminah Wife will never argue with me because I will in'shaa'ALLAH shower the most Wonderful Beautiful Sweetest Kindness on to her my wife always all the time, so she my wife will in'shaa'ALLAH most willingly follow only me always.

[LiveIslam]

assalamu alaikum warahmatullah..

Personally I think its scary because I was bought up by parents who argued excessively to the point where my view of marriage became argumentation. I also am quite an argumentative person and I know I'l most probably challenge my husband.. all too often..

i understnad wot u mean sis thats how my parents are like. they will never chat to each other like normal ppl they will always shout and swear at each other, they have been doing this since i was born. :(

[Tahiyah]

walaykumasalaam

hmmm not sure what ur asking, whether its how to avoid arguments, or how to resolve arguments, anyway i guess what's below applies to both

this is from experience (from seeing (lots) of couples argue) these can apply to all arguments not just marital ones.

1- listen (LISTEN CAREFULLY AND ATTENTIVELY) and don't interrupt the other

2-have lots of patience

3-don't get angry!

there are many hadiths on points 2 and 3 that mention their benefits and blessings, and point 1 is absolutely vital.

excellent advice! :up:

i hope i can remember to apply these at the onset of an argument

[ur_yusra]

well imagine if your spouse said something which you didnt like and you disagreed with.. then what :S

[MalikOne™]

well imagine if your spouse said something which you didnt like and you disagreed with.. then what :S

depends how serious it is..if its minor then let them think they right...not worth an argument.

If its serious then u gotta make em understand your viewpoint in a polite manner.

[ibn suleman]

well imagine if your spouse said something which you didnt like and you disagreed with.. then what :S


depends on what gets said, if its personal- (ur brother is stupid, you shudn't have said that, etc.) or if its materialistic (that colour jacket doesn't suit you, etc.)

if its the latter, then its trivial, and after long enough in a marriage these things wont affect. but use the same techniques.

if its the former, then what was said earlier still applies, have patience whilst listening to what he/she has to say, and respond without getting angry!

i know i'm just repeating what i said at the beginning, with this but only cos if we look into the seerah of the Prophet (s.a.w) we see this is how he would react to situations,

His (s.a.w) patience was unparalled, his (s.a.w) anger controlled and many hadiths show us that he would listen to what the other party would say and then speak.

and seriously, if any of you is in a situation where an argument is about to start, this stuff really works:up: Try it and see it work wonders,

[nomadicfoodie]

1. Breathe, listen
2. repeat back the "problem" as your spouse expressed it (DO NOT say it sarcasticly, but 'feel into' it as tho you are your spouse) then if the communication was bad it can be corrected. often we hear something else than what the point is in an argument.
3. Get the problem is identified - the question "what is the problem?" is defined.
4. brainstorm together (coming together now!) on solutions you can BOTH contribute, make a list.
5. pick a solution and try it.

if that solution doesn't work pick another or start over (sometimes the problem wasn't as well defined).

I have found this method as helpful w my hubby as with my kids and at work. It decreases the emotion and escalating "stuff" and increases the working together and appreciation for each other.

[ur_yusra]

If my hubby says something way out of line no chance I'm gnna brainstorm with him.. :rolleyes:

There are limits like say for example you want to make her jealous for 'fun'.. and you say stupid things.. there are limits..

Some men have some serious mental issues..

[bint]

lol..aye with the men and their mental issues..haha..

anyways hamnah i know what u mean :D arguing will always be a part of my life.:inlove:

[ur_yusra]

lol..aye with the men and their mental issues..haha..

anyways hamnah i know what u mean :D arguing will always be a part of my life.:inlove:

Its true.. some men lose their principles so easily its such ashame..

[Rayhana]

Well, i have the intention to take my husband away from the rest of the world, as first in the first :).. I will not argue with him but have paradise on earth! :) And than when i or we, have some children he will never force me to be anything accept mother if i dont want to, we will never go back to our families, and there will be only us and some new friends. No his family, no my family, just me and him, and maybe a second wife if he wants so, because i am natural born mom, and i think i will not be able to be much wife when i have children. :D Peace! :)

[MMS]

personally i'd make sure that before the night ends, i go and ask for forgivness from my husband. even if its not my fault.
That way, the next morning InshAllah everything will be back to normal.

then he would never realise his mistakes :rubeyes:

my husband will learn not to argue with me because im always right :embar:

[MMS]

Well, i have the intention to take my husband away from the rest of the world, as first in the first :).. I will not argue with him but have paradise on earth! :) And than when i or we, have some children he will never force me to be anything accept mother if i dont want to, we will never go back to our families, and there will be only us and some new friends. No his family, no my family, just me and him, and maybe a second wife if he wants so, because i am natural born mom, and i think i will not be able to be much wife when i have children. :D Peace! :)
back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now :outta:

[MG]

Abusing,Reviling

it is reported by sayydina Ibn Abbas RA that 2 men abused each other in the times of the Messenger of Allah SAW. One of them abused the other who kept quiet and the Prophet SAW was seated there. Then the other retaliated (with abuse) and the Prophet SAW got up from there ans he said, "The angels got up and i too got up with them.As long as he (second man) was quiet, the angels replied to the man who was abusing him but when he retaliated the angels got up from there.
__________________


so i would advise, stay quiet till hubby has finished and toned down abit (very hard i know but worth doing definately) and then talk rationally, works most times.

[nomadicfoodie]

Well, i have the intention to take my husband away from the rest of the world, as first in the first :).. I will not argue with him but have paradise on earth! :) And than when i or we, have some children he will never force me to be anything accept mother if i dont want to, we will never go back to our families, and there will be only us and some new friends. No his family, no my family, just me and him, and maybe a second wife if he wants so, because i am natural born mom, and i think i will not be able to be much wife when i have children. :D Peace! :)

I guess it's good to know yourself well, but doing without grandparents and family support when you are Mom to small kids is a hard, hard road.

[Rayhana]

back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now :outta:

Sis, do u know that song? I mean how it goes after that :D :)

[Rayhana]

I guess it's good to know yourself well, but doing without grandparents and family support when you are Mom to small kids is a hard, hard road.

I dont think that a mother ( a real human mother, not a cat, not a cow, or similar :) ) needs any help in taking care of her children, and including everything, all the education too. :) Although i want to send my children to school. But its my statment thats me. I dont want anything else if i become a mother, :) this is my biggest wish for myself. I have seen a lot families, ... i want my family to be perfect! InshaAllah :) Salam

[Nawar]

If my hubby says something way out of line no chance I'm gnna brainstorm with him.. :rolleyes:

There are limits like say for example you want to make her jealous for 'fun'.. and you say stupid things.. there are limits..

Some men have some serious mental issues..


yeh, brainstorming just sounds absolutely bizarre :confused: :scratch:. You cant sit down, and make a list, marriage isnt a school lesson. The two people should be mature enough to TALK to each other.

Indeed there are limits, make jealous for fun???? Even more bizarre and ridiculous, what kind of sane person does that.

[Ebony]

Arguing is healthy.

Problems only arise if the arguing becomes too frequent, prolonged and the issue remains unresolved.

[puella]

just to give my input into the equation..communication is probably th key and also making sure that the two of you are encouraging each other to do righteous deeds, being thoughtful about one anothers needs is a must too...

All too often the men tend to be not mindful of their wifes/wives needs...Islam does place alot of emphasis on the husband being looked after and the obedience of the wife etc, but equally the responsibility of the husband is to 'shepard his flock' in order to maintain a good balanced family..everything goes hand in hand....

One sister at university gave me some parting advice before she left for her home town. If you do have an argument with your husband, make sure nobody else knows about it..resume your life amongst others as normally as possible, dont express in front of others that there is any tenson between the two of you at all inshaAllah...that in itself will serve to dampen what ever the problem is, and rather than it be swept under the carpet, it will be able to resolved when the two of you are alot calmer and able to look at things without any remnants of anger running wild through your blood!....also the phrase 'too many cooks..' comes to mind if your problem is braodcast.

no one knows the situation better than you and your hubby/wife do, so who best to resolve it than you two?

[jimm]

If a guy has an argument with his wife, he should go enlist the help of his mother. That always helps.

[ur_yusra]

If a guy has an argument with his wife, he should go enlist the help of his mother. That always helps.

.. :rolleyes:

[bint]

If a guy has an argument with his wife, he should go enlist the help of his mother. That always helps.

help??? in what way?

[`asiya]

i can talk from experience. women are very complicated,and difficult.. if me and the wife argue. i just play it down by joking around so we both get over it quickly. sumtimes its best to say nothing. you just make it worse..

but allhamdulillah cant remember much arguing anyway inshallah it stays that way..

as salamu alaikum see this bros got it right, women often dont think straight or put our feelings across in the right way and lapse into hormonal rages now and then,and at certain times of the month and during pregnancy burst into tears at the slightest thing and if you read about the lives of the mothers of the believers then even the best of the sahabiyat were prone to outbursts, instead of husbands getting angry all that is often needed is a hug, a smile the promise of a solution and reassurance insha Allah, and its my understanding and Allah knows best is that a husband is the amir of his familly and if u have discord then our leaders, our husbands those who look to be a good example to us and our children can find a way insha allah to bring harmony back to familly life.~Thats what being a real man is all about.


The prophet may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said, " Fear Allah when it comes to women, for they are helpers you took in faithfulness to Allah. You also find it permissible to enjoy them lawfully. You owe it to them to spend money on them for their food and clothes and in kindness."
Sahih Muslim

Narrated Abu Huraira, The Prophet said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of the women, for they are created from a rib and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain curved, so I urge you to take care of the women."

It is reported that a man once came to 'Umar, the second Caliph, with the intention of bringing to his notice certain complaints he had against his wife. When he reached the door of Umar's house, he heard the Caliph's wife railing against him. Hearing this, he went back as he thought that the Caliph himself was in the same predicament and could, therefore, be hardly expected to set matters right for him. "Umar, coming out of his house, saw the person going back. So he called him out and inquired as to the purpose which had brought him to his house. He said that he had come to him with some complaints against his wife, but turned back on finding that the Caliph himself was subject to the same treatment from his wife. "Umar said to him that he patiently bore the excesses of his wife because she had certain rights over him. "Is is not true that she cooks my food, washes my clothes and suckles my children, thus reliving me of the necessity of employing a cook, a washerman and a nurse although she is not in the slighted degree responsible for this? Not only that, I enjoy peace of mind on account of her and I am protected from committing the sin of adultery. In view of these advantages, I put up with her excesses. You should also do the same."

‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said to the Prophet peace and blessings of Allah be upon him

“We Quraysh used to control our women, but when we came to the Ansaar we found that they were a people who were controlled by their women. So our women started to adopt the ways of the Ansaari women. I got angry with my wife and she argued with me and I did not like her arguing with me. She said, ‘Why do you object to me arguing with you? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) argue with him…’” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4895; Muslim, 1479.

ibn Hajar said in discussing the lessons to be learned from this hadeeth

" This shows that being harsh with women is something unaceptable, because the Prophet peace and blessings of Allah be upon him adopted the way of the Ansaar with women forsaking the way of his people."

Narrated Hudhaifa From among the people, Ibn Um'Abd greatly resembled Allah's Apostles in solemn gate and good appearance of piety and in calmness and sobriety from the time he goes out of his house till he returns to it. But we do not know how he behaves with his family when he is alone with them.

Narrated Abu Huraira, Allah's Apostle said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger."

The prophet, May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said to his companion Abû Al Darda: "O Abu al-Dardâ, you have a duty to your body, and to your Lord, and to your guest, and to your wife. Fast and break your fasts, pray, and be intimate with your wife. Give everyone their due right."( Sahîh al-Bukhârî.)

In hadith qudsi Allah says, "Oh my servants, I prohibited oppression on myself, therefore don't commit oppression."

(the word used here is "Thulm" it means oppression in Arabic, the definition is as follows, transgressing the boundaries on yourself, of others, claiming something that doesn't belong to you and, Denying others their rights.)


May Allah protect the muslim families and guide them to goodness amin

[ibn suleman]

good advice there^ masha'Allah :up:

[Nazias]

good advice there^ masha'Allah :up:

but where do you dig these out from? :smack: you can so tell your going through this partcular section for some time! :D

[ibn suleman]

but where do you dig these out from? :smack: you can so tell your going through this partcular section for some time! :D

i was looking for an old post...
and the second part of what u said is not necessarily tru :o

[PiElle]

:wavey: It takes two to argue... so dun blame it on the other party...