View Full Version : Spanking
what r the views of forum members on spanking?
is it an effective form of punishment?
or is merely expressing ur dislike at the childs behaviour through tone of voice and facial expressions a more effective way of punishment?
if spanking is the preferred method, at what point do u think it should be considered e.g. u tell the child off once and then enforce it or after numerous failed attempts at other forms of punishment?
and last bt not least, when does spanking go 2 far...up to the point tht it can be labelled 'child abuse' ?
Ws
I think it can be effective.. like spanking on the "tushy" or a "hard tap" on the hand. I wouldn't go further than that. But yeah, I'd do it after a couple of attempts of "raising the tone of voice & facial expressions." Even raising the pointer finger and saying "no" can serve as a "warning signal."
I must say though, that I do have some relatives who refuse to spank their kids at all and use methods like those mentioned above, as well as sending kids to their room when they misbehave, not letting them play with their toys, and so on. Their kids are actually quite good and these methods have worked on them, walhamdulillah. That's my input!
~Ayah
.: Anna :.
05-01-04, 08:34 PM
well...since I dont have my own kids or anything, I have never really smacked a kid, I dont know for sure what methods work best :p
But I think you shouldnt go to smacking straight away, give them a chance to stop the behaviour first, like warn them maybe a couple of times, then if its really necessary then smack em
It probably depends on the kids...cuz some are better behaved than others, when I think of my younger cousins, some of em really do drive you mad quicker so you think the only way they'll listen is wiv a smack, others can be talked to nicely and persuaded to behave.
confiscating toys and stuff could work too because it does really annoy the kids...but then that drags out the punishment, when u smack em thats it over with.
& I dont think you should smack em so hard to hurt them or leave any marks on them...just a bit so they know they've pushed their luck 2 far.
I dont wanna have 2 smack my kids though inshallah, I want em to be good behaved all the time :p
StickyPeas
05-01-04, 11:27 PM
i think if ur child needs disclipining then it shud be done(within the bounds of islam).. the way i see it is that u shud bring ur kids up with the correct islamic concepts + stability then it wont be needed as much.. but children do need to taught discipline since discplining (as a general topic) is important in islam. ie discipling urself for Allah.. taubah/repentance.. punishment... etc
some good sites on discipling children-->
http://majlis.freeyellow.com/Children2.htm
http://www.islamonline.net/english/Society/2001/07/article2.shtml
http://www.islam101.com/sociology/parchild.htm
http://www.jamiat.org.za/al-jamiat/v34children.html
http://muslimtoday.hypermart.net/raising_children.htm
MalcomBanned4?
06-01-04, 01:35 AM
50 years ago (in US anyway) it was common; mothers smacking their kid at a shopping mall teachers useing a ruler on a bad kid in front of the whole class & the fathers useing "my belt". Kids rarely needed more than 1 "lesson". Never heard kids talk back to adults and if AK's mother saw what he writes here she would wash his mouth out with soap. Smack a kid now and they threatin to report it as child abuse.
ze leetle elper
06-01-04, 01:51 AM
Personally I think disciplining by spanking, although permitted within boundaries, should be avoided.
Parents are too quick to lose their temper with children, they should remember that to a child, everyday in their life is like a giant university. They are constantly learning about themselves and the world around them and for some people to discipline because 'He is too hyper,' or 'She is naughty'...etc, should realise this point.
On the other hand, discipline is sometimes needed when things get out of hand and a child crosses the line. By explaining what is wrong with whatever they are doing and that it is very bad and they should not do it; this usually has a more longer lasting and positive effect on the child.
A good example was my friend's conduct with her son. As all small boys do, he was touching and investigating everything within the house lol. :D He approached the cooker, and instead of screaming 'Noooooo! Get away from it! That is very naughty! You should never touch the cooker! It is dangerous!' she instead took his hand and placed it near enough to the cooker so he could feel the heat himself, therefore educating him instead of reprimanding.
One should also remember that our beloved Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) never raised his hand upon a child.
:)
dhakiyya
06-01-04, 05:10 PM
I'm a teacher, not a parent (yet!!! ....inshallah) so my views are based on experience with teaching and looking after other peoples' kids and my knowledge of child psychology.
It's much more important to be fair and consistent with punishments than the exact method used. i.e. decide how many warning you are going to give (between 1 and 3 is best) stick to this number every time, let the child know exactly how many warnings they've had, and when they run out of warnings and you punish them, remind them that you warned them x times. Do this every time. Personally I think 1 warning is best, but some kids may need 2 or 3 to get the message. (you know your kid, you decide how many and stick to it) You must follow through with a punishment, kids learn very quickly not to listen if you give them empty threats.
Oh yeah, and don't change the rules without a) a good reason and b) explain the reason very clearly to the child *before* you act on the rule that's changed.
Most discipline problems in kids come from a lack of consistency. Think of it from the child's point of view - one day you do something and mummy laughs. The next day you do the same thing and mummy gets mad. You do it a few more times that day and mummy threatens to smack you. You do the same thing the next day and you get smacked with no warning. You do it again the next day and mummy laughs. So - the kid learns that whether they get punished depends on what mood mummy's in, not on what they do.
As to smacking, it can be effective as part of consistent discipline, but the downside is that it teaches kids to resort to violence to solve problems. In addition, hitting kids under 3 is dangerous, and hitting kids on the head, face, neck or back is dangerous. Buttocks is okay, because it hurts but doesn't do any damage, and slapping the wrists should only be a token gesture - if you try to hurt a child by hitting the wrists then you could injure them. Also, don't use any object, because it's very hard to tell how much force you are using, and you can injure the child easily. Check the law locally, because it's illegal to hit kids at all in some contries, and it's *not* a necessary part of discipline. Plenty of very highly effective parents don't use smacking at all. There are always alternatives. As a teacher, I'm not allowed to use physical punishment, it's not a problem.
Alternatives for 3-8 year olds (the age group that needs short, immediate punishments)
If the misbehaviour involves a toy, take it away for a minute and make the child apologise before you return it.
Make the child sit in the corner/away from other people for a minute or until they calm down.
Explain as breifly as you can why what they did was wrong and make them apologise to whoever was badly affected by the behaviour.
Persistent misbehaviour: Dock 5p (or equivalent) of pocket money for each time they do the thing(s) they're not supposed to do. Give back 5p for each day/half day that they don't do the thing(s). Star charts also work - 15 stars = some treat or other.
Younger kids: simply pick them up and move them away from the situation or distract them by handing them a new toy to play with. Say "no!" when you move them away (so they get the message)
Older kids: ground them, withdraw privelages. They're old enough to understand. It's still vital to be consistent and fair. Explain your reasons, explain why what they did is wrong, listen to what they say, but refuse to argue.
In addition - rewarding good behaviour is always more effective than punishing bad behaviour. A few words is enough e.g. "I was very pleased when you were helpful to grandma today. It made me very proud of you." with a big smile, for example.
Kaaju Barfi
07-01-04, 08:46 AM
i know some parents who beat their kids with the belt :nono: :crying:... i think kids shud be punished only after repeatedly doing something wrong and the punishment should be just a light slap on the back, hands or on the legs. i have seen parents who slap their kids on the face :nono: :crying: in public, and i feel sad when i see the child starts to :crying:.
"to spare the rod, is to spoil the child" :spunch:
"the use of the rod on a child is as indispensible as water for the fields" -Luqman the wise
i once read a hadith of the Prophet [saw] ... cant remember it exactly but it was somethign like this: "...let the rod be hanging (in your house) as a warning and chastisement for neglecting the laws of Allah."
.: Anna :.
07-01-04, 10:34 AM
Originally posted by seven
:spunch:
7 u better not b plannin on smashin ya kids in the face like that! :p
Originally posted by anna2000uk
7 u better not b plannin on smashin ya kids in the face like that! :p but the kid is happy :D
.: Anna :.
07-01-04, 10:41 AM
Originally posted by seven
but the kid is happy :D
i dont fink he wud be after 2 much of that :spunch: :banghead: lol
anyway... :D
i think beating should be used as a last resort. beating with limits. no hitting on the head or other vital. no cut or bruises.
also, no beating out of anger.
Originally posted by seven
anyway... :D
i think beating should be used as a last resort. beating with limits. no hitting on the head or other vital. no cut or bruises.
also, no beating out of anger.
Do you have children:confused: At least one time did you apply a punishement ( like beating ) to the children
as Dhakkiya said, the main thing is that parents should be consistent in their punishing of behaviours.
not let it off one time, then punish it when it occurs again. this only creates confusion for the child, in terms of understanding wt behaviours r appropriate/allowd and which arent.
beating prob doesnt do much good..also, repetitive beating will prob make the child 'resistant' to it after a while...it might hve no effect on him/her at all. iv seen tht myself with a few children. Child is mis-behaving, mother slaps them...they stil go bck and repeat tht behaviour.
its best2 mke the child reflect and understand WHY their behaviour ws wrong. do this by depriving them of their fave possession..be it toys or whatever, until they cme bck2 u and r able2 acknowledge, understand and accept the reasoning behind the punishment tht ws dished out2 them
Ws
ze leetle elper
08-01-04, 01:00 PM
I still think spanking should be the ultimately LAST resort. :nervous:
Many children grow up resenting their parents/elders because they are abused as children, and are not told or the matter is not clarified as to WHY they were punished. :(
outlandish
08-01-04, 03:48 PM
Originally posted by seven
"to spare the rod, is to spoil the child" :spunch:
what do u mean here?That children should be hit with a rod?:eek:
I have seen kids dislike their parents as they grew up,coz of the all the hitting they received in their childhood. In the end they even left their parents,dont even do anything related to islam anymore,they see it as something so strict that parents beat the hell outta the kids like that and its ok or seen ok. Now the parents realise their mistake that islam isnt forced on someone, u cant force someone to do something, unless u teach them with love and care,explain to them things, than there isnt a reason why they wouldnt act on it.
If u teach your children everything properly ,explain to them why this is good or not,there would never be the need of hitting them. It is the parents shortcoming in the upbringing if kids dont do as they ask.
i dnt believe in spanking..and i doubt il be using it as a form of discipline.
sometimes its used when parents r angry or irritable and the child is jst 'bugging'. usually its out of the blue..child isnt expecting it.
prior warnings r a must b4 any sort of punishment is dished out
Ws
you know... kids these days... when you see how they behave in school :nonono:
imagine... stringing up a few kids up in the playground... how well the kids would behave.... ~sigh~ :banghead:
if the kids behave like tht...i doubt slapping them one or two is goin2 fix the behaviour overnight.
.: Anna :.
09-01-04, 10:23 PM
Originally posted by seven
you know... kids these days... when you see how they behave in school :nonono:
imagine... stringing up a few kids up in the playground... how well the kids would behave.... ~sigh~ :banghead:
yeah ur right...some kids behaviour in skools nowadays is really bad. i mean my school wasnt too bad, but ma parents r teachers n i hear really bad stories from em sometimes :nervous: i dunno what is up with some people, no respect for their teachers or even their own parents :rolleyes:
how would u discipline your child when they just dont seem to listen to you, as is the case with most young kids i see these days :p
:torture:
how many of you got beats by your parents? ;)
i have always been a little angel, i didnt need beats :embar:
i have always been a little angel, i didnt need beats :embar:
jeez...freaking hell that was close..just ducked out of the way of a big humongous flying pig!
http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29671&highlight=spanking
LiveIslam
19-05-06, 09:14 PM
i will never beat my kids up. i used to get beats and it werent nice coz i thought my parents never loved me :(. i learn from my parents mistake
i will never beat my kids up. i used to get beats and it werent nice coz i thought my parents never loved me :(. i learn from my parents mistake
jokes aside, i think Sis MMS is not referring to getting the whip out and beating the life out of children, i think she is referring to reprimanding children with a light smack on their arms etc...mum used to do that with me, and i never thuoght she loved me any less than she does now alhamdulilah...when you see things froma parents' point of view you may see the reasoning why they did wht they did.
but with the advent of Childline and the high profile cases of child abuse it is becoming easier for children to contact services if they are maltreated, which alhamdulilah is brilliant fro those where there is unjust conduct against the child, but these organisations can be subject to abuse by their'victims' who will use them as a scapegoat to go against the parents too.
one such incident occured nearby where a young girl informed the Police that she was being abused at home and it was just the odd slap for being rude etc. the social go involved, and now the mother has been threatened with arrest if they hear so much a whisper fom the child...so this young girl is able to do as she wishes , within reason, whilst her mother looks on in disbelief at the 'child protection' system.
but i must add that there are fewer cases as described aboove and b=more beneficial outcome.
however getting back to the thread i feel people are trying more so to understand their choiildren as opposed to just smacking them and expecting them to get on with whatever they have been told to do. mum used to explain everything to my brother and me so we would know why we have to do certain things. understandably there were times when mum would just order us to do things but we would see the hikmah behind it later.
i feel it is a case of eveloping your parenting skills as you go along, not something you can perfect either as each child is different and reacts differently to ceratin scenarios.
just my opinion
You should always talk to a child nicely and fairly .. if they stil dont listen to you you should ignore them until they learn their lesson and apoligize.
if they are so naughty you should always try the 'naught corner' buy puttung a naughty kid in the corner for (age of child) minutes and until they learn their lesson
or if they do something extremely bad you should hit them but not in an abusive way. like senstivly.
LiveIslam
19-05-06, 09:32 PM
oh no mum never use to hit me lightly she use to hit me wit a stck or give me 10 slaps on the face that my face went all red. once my bro got beats with the pan
MalikOne™
19-05-06, 10:17 PM
if ur kids truely respect u...then ther is no need to beat them...words are enuff...but never too many words cos after a while they'll stop listening and eventually forget what u said :p
oh no mum never use to hit me lightly she use to hit me wit a stck or give me 10 slaps on the face that my face went all red. once my bro got beats with the pan
oh dear..
Unique Muslimah
19-05-06, 10:25 PM
Oh man LOL brings back childhood memories.LOL.nah Im kidding Alhamdulillah I think I was the mastermind when it came to evil plans but Alhamdulillah I rarely got caught,unless I was working under some other mastermind's wing i.e. my older cousin.LOL.he seemed big to me so i did everything he told me to do.LOL..well my little brother whos just turned three is a bit crazy and stuff and some times he jus does NOT listen(as kids do)..nevertheless,I dont hit him,I jus tell him,even if its loads n loadsa times over..and if he gets really really naughty then I will shout at him..omg like the other day the front door was open cos my sis went to put out the bin..nd we live on a main road..and my bro was standing on the steps at the front door.and i told him to cum inside like 20 times..LITERALLY..the next second I looked..and he was GONE as in running onto the pavement..so i ran out like a crazy girl..grabbed him..brought him in..shouted at him wen he came back in..but then I hugged him after cos he looked bit sad..LOL.:p i dno why I felt the need to relate that story to you all..
Emelianenko
19-05-06, 10:29 PM
only beats i got as a kid was from the maulvi at the mosque..tht stinking pudding!!! but we got him back :p
only beats i got as a kid was from the maulvi at the mosque..tht stinking pudding!!! but we got him back :p
i bet you did...and no doubt you will tell us about it......:zzz:
Emelianenko
19-05-06, 10:43 PM
i bet you did...and no doubt you will tell us about it......:zzz:
No cus ull call me a bully den :embar:
No cus ull call me a bully den :embar:
u big bully anyway, so it dont matter!
i cud really give my lil cousin a few slaps he talks rubbish and does stupid things and he doesnt listen to anyone :eek:
i think he needs beats :embar:
i was good usually though i did get my fair share of beats, i used to get slapped in the head a lot in mosque for falling asleep :(
I got the belt once too lol and then got locked in the basement for most of the day :outta:
I dont think its such a bad thing mostly we deserved it :p
i cud really give my lil cousin a few slaps he talks rubbish and does stupid things and he doesnt listen to anyone :eek:
i think he needs beats :embar:
i was good usually though i did get my fair share of beats, i used to get slapped in the head a lot in mosque for falling asleep :(
I got the belt once too lol and then got locked in the basement for most of the day :outta:
I dont think its such a bad thing mostly we deserved it :p
u like a little chucky in hijaab
Ibn Khattab
19-05-06, 11:29 PM
i cud really give my lil cousin a few slaps he talks rubbish and does stupid things and he doesnt listen to anyone :eek:
i think he needs beats :embar:
i was good usually though i did get my fair share of beats, i used to get slapped in the head a lot in mosque for falling asleep :(
I got the belt once too lol and then got locked in the basement for most of the day :outta:
I dont think its such a bad thing mostly we deserved it :p
maybe u but not me:D i was an angel:rolleyes:
kids need discipline so for that purpose i would beat them but not so heavyily as some people do these days. lightly enough to scare the crap out of them lol.
maybe u but not me:D i was an angel:rolleyes:
jeez now i see a swarm of pigs!!!
elefantebianco
19-05-06, 11:48 PM
i cud really give my lil cousin a few slaps he talks rubbish and does stupid things and he doesnt listen to anyone :eek:
i think he needs beats :embar:
i was good usually though i did get my fair share of beats, i used to get slapped in the head a lot in mosque for falling asleep :(
I got the belt once too lol and then got locked in the basement for most of the day :outta:
I dont think its such a bad thing mostly we deserved it :p
LOL....quran school...my parents were mad...eventhough i went to a muslim school...they still insisted in stuffing me in quranic classes and all...and i went to this bangladeshi one...the teacher used to hit ppl with a METAL COAT HANGER...bt not me...coz i didnt understand bangali...so i used to just sleep and he was very nice...the Mr Mullah...bt yeah the other kids esp the boys got severly hit...my friend used to sit and watch terrified...while i slept...
MalikOne™
19-05-06, 11:52 PM
Yeh I got my fair share when I was younger....I cud understand why id get them beatings too was justified :p I remember wen I was about 10 and I had done suttin stupid and I was expecting beats id literally put like 4-5 trousers on :embar: in tha masjid when I was a lil id see everyone else get hit but I dont remember gettin hit Masha'Allah :D
LiveIslam
20-05-06, 08:13 AM
oh dear..
i knw thats how my parents been brought up. i wasnt that naughty wen i was a kid she just like hitting coz she had a bad temper.
AnonymousSister
20-05-06, 03:06 PM
I think parents smacking a child just because they cannot contorl there own temper is wrong, they need to control it. However children should be given the odd smack as it will teach them not to do something again.
PaGaL~LaDo0
20-05-06, 05:12 PM
i cud really give my lil cousin a few slaps he talks rubbish and does stupid things and he doesnt listen to anyone :eek:
i think he needs beats :embar:
i was good usually though i did get my fair share of beats, i used to get slapped in the head a lot in mosque for falling asleep :(
I got the belt once too lol and then got locked in the basement for most of the day :outta:
I dont think its such a bad thing mostly we deserved it :p
lo00oo0l i memba i g0t wakz me n rndm uzeta g0 quraan clazzez @ sum1 0uze n der uzeta b l0dz 0f 0daz azvel n lak da man rite v0z vel strck :eek: v hrd striez 0f 0w e put chldrn in 0zpitl :eek3: n laak 1nce i v0o0zzzz so0o0o trd :zzz: bt mum n dad sed i hada g0 :crying: n lak i sat bhnd da s0fa so0 dat da man cdnt c me lak n den lak hlf vay tru da clazz i fell azlp ~:eek::zzz: n i memba rndm pnchin me 2 wke up bt i ign0rd it n den nxt tngy i knw WAK!!!!! e wak me rnd da fce :eek: n i v0z :crying: i v0z in prmry skul :p da man kinda saw me slpin :eek3: :crying: n e mde me stnd n rd 4 da rzt 0f da lezzn afta d@ i neva vnt bak :p n vnt 2 0da clzez instd :nuts:
bt loo0oo0l i stl c da uncle arnd twn n stf valkin n i quickly leg it :outta:
the beltin i got from my dad, i only ever got slaps in the head by the mosque teachers they were women, once she locked our whole class in after mosque n one girl needed to go to the toilet n she wudnt let her then she jus like did it in the class :rubeyes:
some of the older girls at mosque would get some proper slaps on the faceee, ur not even allowed to hit on the face :torture:
Emelianenko
20-05-06, 05:34 PM
Our teacher at Moks was a nutter..im sure he had a few screws loose in the head :wacko: he would beat us round the head with a stick..broke this one kids nose, would make us stand still and beat our toes with a stick :wacko: and aye they brought him over from pakistan :rolleyes:
Our teacher at Moks was a nutter..im sure he had a few screws loose in the head :wacko: he would beat us round the head with a stick..broke this one kids nose, would make us stand still and beat our toes with a stick :wacko: and aye they brought him over from pakistan :rolleyes:
jeez i have never seena mosque like that..i used to teach ina mosque too..and i have noticed tha if you are able to bond ith the kids then they will respect you as well as each other and themselves...that way you get the work done,obviously still reqired some sort of encouragement and forcing and numerous tellings off...but trust me it worked a treat...my mosque headteacher was amazed at how well behaved the kids were!...kids are soooo beautiful mashaAllah...its just a case of devoting time to them and making them understand...use a stick will only deter them from what is the most beautiful gift (islam) one could ever have....just like we will invest time and effort in our own children, it is just as important to do this with all our muslim children inshaAllah.
Emelianenko
20-05-06, 05:56 PM
jeez i have never seena mosque like that..i used to teach ina mosque too..and i have noticed tha if you are able to bond ith the kids then they will respect you as well as each other and themselves...that way you get the work done,obviously still reqired some sort of encouragement and forcing and numerous tellings off...but trust me it worked a treat...my mosque headteacher was amazed at how well behaved the kids were!...kids are soooo beautiful mashaAllah...its just a case of devoting time to them and making them understand...use a stick will only deter them from what is the most beautiful gift (islam) one could ever have....just like we will invest time and effort in our own children, it is just as important to do this with all our muslim children inshaAllah.
Alhamdulillah now the moks have changed cus most have stopped employing dipsticks from Pakistan who just love to beat kids up and teach jack diddle squat.
Now Alhamdulillah the Madressahs where British born and bred scholars are being employed their is a set curriculum, Quran, fiqh, tajweed and all sorts is taught, Exams, madressah trips to Zoo's or whatknot and organising days where they take the kids out to play footy or to the park and so on. The madressah i saw all this take place at, before the implemented this they only had 6 kids coming their, now Alhamdulillah they have 300 kids and huge waiting list and they are having to employ more and more teachers.
In our time it was come back from School, go to mosque, get a right good kicking and we wouldnt learn anything either and just come back home cursing the Maulvi :torture:
Alhamdulillah now the moks have changed cus most have stopped employing dipsticks from Pakistan who just love to beat kids up and teach jack diddle squat.
Now Alhamdulillah the Madressahs where British born and bred scholars are being employed their is a set curriculum, Quran, fiqh, tajweed and all sorts is taught, Exams, madressah trips to Zoo's or whatknot and organising days where they take the kids out to play footy or to the park and so on. The madressah i saw all this take place at, before the implemented this they only had 6 kids coming their, now Alhamdulillah they have 300 kids and huge waiting list and they are having to employ more and more teachers.
In our time it was come back from School, go to mosque, get a right good kicking and we wouldnt learn anything either and just come back home cursing the Maulvi :torture:
bro you are not that older than me..in fact you may be younger..so may be you were just naughty and got so many beats...boys were real naughty at masjid...us gals, we were tops...my head teacher loved me loads..me and my bessie mate at masjid were the stars...always doing really well in exams..used to make him well proud of us alhamdulilah.
you are right about the new curriculum taking shape and to help it, i feel alot of parents' attitudes have changed. the masaajid were being used as some extra time out for the parents when the kids get back from school...but now alhamdulilah they seem to be using it as an educational tool.
Although i am a great advocator of a mother being the prime teacher of Islam and teach the children Qur'an at home inshaAllah. Amme jee taught me, and you know what i still remeber everything she taught me, my mum is truly the best mother Allah could have given me.
I love you mum!
Some people got belted? :nervous:
I only ever got slapped from my mum. My father has never laid a finger on me. Different case for my brothers though, they got beatings off both parents :p
But we are better for it.
tux08902
20-05-06, 09:56 PM
We live in the timeout generation and timeout doesn't do anything. It doesn't teach the kid that there are consequences for what he or she does. I would beat my kid(s) if he or she did the same things I said not to over and over again.
I haven't been hit in 6 years. Since I turned 10, I became "wiser" as you could say. If I had gotten timeouts I wouldn't have come out like I did because I was very very naughty. I remember, one time, my Dad through a chair at me because I was being so rude to my mother. I was constantly talking bad and then I went to the bathroom right after and when I opened the door his left slipper came flying at me and hit me square in the face. I always remember that when I get angry at either one of my parents because I know what they are capable of. That chari alone hurt and then he threw the shoe at me. If there were more kids like me and they were given time outs then they wouldn't turn out very well. Timeout is stupid concept, does nothing.
But remember, before I ever got beaten, my Dad or my Mom always talked to me first telling me that it was wrong whatever I did. The second time, if I did the same thing, then I could accept a beating.
I remember this one time I cursed at one of my mom's friend's son. I didn't know what the words meant because I was 7 years old. Then my mom talked to me and then the next day those words slipped out of my mouth. She screamed so loud and then I got a beating.
Talking + Beating works, well you do the first first.
We live in the timeout generation and timeout doesn't do anything. It doesn't teach the kid that there are consequences for what he or she does. I would beat my kid(s) if he or she did the same things I said not to over and over again.
I haven't been hit in 6 years. Since I turned 10, I became "wiser" as you could say. If I had gotten timeouts I wouldn't have come out like I did because I was very very naughty. I remember, one time, my Dad through a chair at me because I was being so rude to my mother. I was constantly talking bad and then I went to the bathroom right after and when I opened the door his left slipper came flying at me and hit me square in the face. I always remember that when I get angry at either one of my parents because I know what they are capable of. That chari alone hurt and then he threw the shoe at me. If there were more kids like me and they were given time outs then they wouldn't turn out very well. Timeout is stupid concept, does nothing.
But remember, before I ever got beaten, my Dad or my Mom always talked to me first telling me that it was wrong whatever I did. The second time, if I did the same thing, then I could accept a beating.
I remember this one time I cursed at one of my mom's friend's son. I didn't know what the words meant because I was 7 years old. Then my mom talked to me and then the next day those words slipped out of my mouth. She screamed so loud and then I got a beating.
Talking + Beating works, well you do the first first.
but like you said you were very very bad...and not all kids are like that therefore the time out does work with them
dhakiyya
20-05-06, 10:40 PM
smacking a kid on the bottom does not harm them physically, and it does not harm them emotionally provided its part of a consistent and appropriate system of discipline. However, it does teach a kid that you can solve your problems by hitting someone.
I had to unlearn this lesson, I realised that my readiness to slap someone that upset me came from my dad slapping me when I was naughty. Being slapped like that did no other damage, but insha'Allah I'd rather my kids saw violence as a last resort or something only to be used if they are in danger, being attacked by someone etc - not as a default system for dealing with someone that annoys you.
Therefore insha'Allah I'll find other ways to discipline them, and send them to martial arts classes to learn the multitude of physical and mental skills that they develop, including being able to control their aggression and learn how to use it appropriately when absolutely necessary.
"Time out" and other non violent methods of discipline work perfectly well when done properly and consistently. Any method of discipline without consistency will not work, including slapping kids. In fact those parents who are punishing kids without consistency are harming their children.
Why? put yourself in the mind of a four year old - you do something once, mum says no, you get no consequence, you do it again - mum laughs this time - you do it again, mum starts to get cross but still no consequence - you do it a few more times, mum gets more upset but still no consequence - you do the same thing again - mum loses her rag and at this stage it doesn't matter what the consequence is, you aren't going to learn not to do the thing, you're going to learn to stay out of mummy's way when she gets mad.
you do the same thing the next day three times with no reaction, the fourth time mum yells at you and the seventh time she gets mad and tries to punish you - but this time you run away. by the time she catches you shes even more mad and you forgot what it was that made her mad to start with (because the thing you did isn't the only naughty thing you did, but you are never sure what is good and what is naughty - because whether you get punished or not depends on whether mum is mad or not, not the things that you do) and you take the punishment as reason not to get caught next time.
you don't learn to be good, you learn to have a fair idea of what is good and what is naughty in time, but you know that you can be naughty without punishment, and that you should stay away when mum gets mad.
as mum tries to gain control of your behaviour, the punishments get more and more excessive - yet all you are learning is "don't get caught when mum is mad" - time out can degenerate into shutting you away for longer and longer times, and this plus all the yelling can become emotionally damaging - physcial punishments get harsher and as you get hit with harder objects she starts to physically hurt you.
Conversely - with proper consistency you end up almost never punishing the child - because the threat of punishment following the naughty behaviour is ALWAYS followed up - so the child learns there is no point being a glutton for punishment - whether its time out, toys taken away or getting a smack - and the child learns mum means what she says.
A good consistent system is remind the child of the rule once nicely, the second time sternly with a warning and the third time punish immediately. Or you could go for one warning then punish the second time. Provided its the same each time and you always follow it, it doesn't matter. Another system is tell the child once with a warning, then count to three and if they are not complying by "3" they get punished. Again it does not matter much what the punishment is (smack, time out, toys taken away, etc) - its the consistency of ALWAYS following a system with clear consequenes for naugty behaviour.
Another very important thing is to make sure you give your children praise and attention when they are being good.
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