Revealing the past

[mgk81]

As salaamualaik Dear brothers/sisters,

I have recently engaged to a masha allah lady and marriage is soon.

Firstly she has come to know about a past error, from someone from my hometown(we live in different cities) and the guy is a family friend of her brothers inlaws which is also now living in her hometown.

Firstly ive been accused of having a child, that was 4yrs ago and i havent told her about the rumor/accusation. I have done my deed and have repented, which is between me and the Almighty and He knows wots in my heart and i havent gone back after that.
She confronted me on the accusation and ive opened up to her and told her that its untrue, and it is untrue due to dna tests which i done back then.

Firstly i know whats stated in the Quran about Zinaa and thus i repented and Allah knows best, tho to i know of people who carry on fitnaa which the guy did, without finding the truth before accusing me of having a child.

1st question
Was i supposed to tell her about the accusation? Tho i feel that it was within my right not to? As it is said about concealing your own secrets which is allowed, depending on the severity and if one does not stop after repenting.

2nd question.
she keeps asking me with how women ive slept with, and i said none. is that wrong of me. as i am protecting my dignity and i have paid my dues with muslim people and other speaking about me in my hometown, and i have repented. And thus too as we are wanting to marry, i do not want her thinking that i have been with any 1 person before her, as i cherish her so much, shes a real good person.
thus i said that it was a mere rumor and nothing happened between me and the girl. islamically for my good and from how i think it could affect our marriage and affection towards one another, im not revealing the truth unto her.

is this right of me. Please let me know.

shukran

[nicegrrl]

"Truly Allah guides not one who transgresses and lies." Surah 40:28.

Sorry hun, doesnt matter if you repented or not. You cant lie. Allah does not condone that action and the Quran makes that clear.

You might want to add some repenting for lying to your fiance now.

[bobbyk23]

"Vile men are for Vile women, and Vile women are for Vile men, Good men are for good women, and good women are for good men" ...read the line before havent you ? Fornicators are only allowed to marry fornicators, adulterers get stoned. We have good brothers waiting to marry but cant find good Muslim sisters, and you have to go complicate matters.But everyone is different. Maybe she will accept you later,if Allah allows it. Talk to a pious leader you know, and make more repentance.

[nicegrrl]

-- Fornicators are only allowed to marry fornicators--

Where does it say that?

[Emelianenko]

no where :)

[bobbyk23]

Concerning the marriage of a man who never engaged in adultery/or fornication to an adulteress/or fornicatrix, opinions varied. Al-Hasan Al-Basri holds that adultery invalidates marriage, whereas the majority of scholars maintain that a Muslim may marry an adulteress. These differences may be traced back to the following verse: “Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.” (An-Nur: 3)

The former opinion depends on the literal meaning of the verse which voices total prohibition. Conversely, the latter view interprets the verse as meaning marrying an adulteress is just blameworthy, but not forbidden. They base their view on the hadith that states: "The lawful action is not rendered unlawful by a sinful act." (Reported by Ibn Majah on the authority of Ibn `Umar and by Al-Bayhaqy on the authority of `A'ishah)



guess opinions will vary.

[nicegrrl]

--“Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.” (An-Nur: 3)
--

? How does this not reward the fornicators?

You just end up with someone else with sexual experience. May as well sleep together before you get married.

[sadf]

u ppl make me sick instead of giving the brother sincere advice, u pass judgement on him

[sunilight]

i think that the brother should be honest
tell her
especially if its common knowledge
better she hears it from u instead of from ur enemy

plus

she has a right whether you like it or not to decide not to marry you
but if you have repented and are sincere then she should be ok

[bobbyk23]

--“Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.” (An-Nur: 3)
--

? How does this not reward the fornicators?

You just end up with someone else with sexual experience. May as well sleep together before you get married.



you also end up with someone who comitted a sin. Did I strike a nerve ?

[bobbyk23]

"Vile men are for Vile women, and Vile women are for Vile men, Good men are for good women, and good women are for good men" ...read the line before havent you ? Fornicators are only allowed to marry fornicators, adulterers get stoned. We have good brothers waiting to marry but cant find good Muslim sisters, and you have to go complicate matters.But everyone is different. Maybe she will accept you later,if Allah allows it. Talk to a pious leader you know, and make more repentance.


Bro, ignore this last post and try telling her, its better when things are out in the open, and Allah knows whats best. If Allah had meant for it to happen then it will happen, or else not.

[Submission]

:salams

My brother, tell your future companion the truth, a relationship must be founded upon truth and then you can move on. I hope you have asked a sheik** and Inshallah I hope all goes well.

I shall seriously pray for you with all my heart my brother, may Allah bless you and grant you mercy to you and your family.

Sub.

[nicegrrl]

--you also end up with someone who comitted a sin. Did I strike a nerve ?--

So? Now, I know we arent christians and dont believe in the original sin everyone is a sinner deal, but realistically, we all have our vices. I dont believe Ive never met someone that never told a lie or acted out in unjust anger or whatever. And some people arent virgins on their wedding days.

Anyone who thinks that they arent marrying a sinner is pretty naive. Your wife/husband aint gonna be perfection.

[Supernova Nebula]

bro, convince her that you have sincerely repented and determined not to repeat the sin and pray very hard that she loves you very much and nothing can change her decision (love is blind sometimes):). sorry if this is not a good advice though.

p/s: some people before they reverted, had committed all sort of sins small and grave ones but when they reverted, they become better muslims than the born muslims themselves but this is a different case of course.

[Na'eemah]

I thought people are meant to keep their mistakes to themselves and repent to Allah and not to dwell in the past

[nicegrrl]

--I thought people are meant to keep their mistakes to themselves and repent to Allah and not to dwell in the past
--

You still cant lie. You can say "Im not going to answer that question", I suppose.

Im not sure though if you can just neglect to inform your fiance about your sexual past though.

[Na'eemah]

--I thought people are meant to keep their mistakes to themselves and repent to Allah and not to dwell in the past
--

You still cant lie. You can say "Im not going to answer that question", I suppose.

Im not sure though if you can just neglect to inform your fiance about your sexual past though.

Hmm, i suppose thats up to the individual, but if u lie, the truth will come out somehow.:)

[bobbyk23]

--you also end up with someone who comitted a sin. Did I strike a nerve ?--

So? Now, I know we arent christians and dont believe in the original sin everyone is a sinner deal, but realistically, we all have our vices. I dont believe Ive never met someone that never told a lie or acted out in unjust anger or whatever. And some people arent virgins on their wedding days.

Anyone who thinks that they arent marrying a sinner is pretty naive. Your wife/husband aint gonna be perfection.


Nice logic, "we all have a little bit of sin, so a little more wont hurt". Not some people, a lot pf people, even in the muslim community, have premarital relationships. Are you being annoying on purpose ?

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:salams


Marrying an Adulterer
Answered by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Q: I have read that an adulterer/adulteress may not have sexual relations with none except an adulterer/adulteress or idol worshipper. Does it also mean it will be a sin for a non adulterer / adulteress to marry an adulterer/adulteress. If true and say I have married an adulterer/adulteress and have not yet had sexual relations it would be best to divorce and not consummate that marriage or does the conditions of marriage make it Halaal. Please advise.
A:


:start:

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
Let us first look at the translation of the Qur’anic verse, to which you have alluded, in your question:

Allah Most High says in Surah al-Nur:

“Let no man guilty of adultery (or fornication) marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever. Nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman. To the believers such a thing is forbidden”(Surah al-Nur, V.3)

The meaning of this verse (as stated in various exegeses of the Holy Qur’an) is that normally the effects of adultery and fornication are so severe that they become the nature of an individual. An adulterer will only be content and satisfied if he marries an adulterer or an idolatress and visa-versa.
The meaning of “forbidden” in the verse is either adultery or marrying an idolater / idolatresses, both of which are totally forbidden.

Alternatively, it may refer to marrying those who are involved in adultery, and have not yet repented. This is a unlawful, although the marriage itself will be valid. It is stated in Tafsir ibn Kathir: “Qatadah and Muqatil said: Allah forbade the believers from marrying prostitutes”.

However, the above ruling refers to the situation where the adulterer and adulteress have not yet repented and are actively involved in their evil ways and practices. If one has sincerely repented, then there is no reason to abstain from marring them.
(ref: Tafsir ibn Kathir and Ma’arif al-Qur’an).
And Allah knows best
Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari, UK


TAKEN FROM: SUNNIPATH.COM (Hanafi)

[Quest]

To the brother who started this thread

I disagree with your wife to be asking u questions like how many women u have slept with and i understand ur point in safeguarding ur dignity.

in my opinion ur wife needs not ask about things which will bring her no
benefit, she will benefit in no way if given an answer to her question

yes she has a right to ask about things which concern her, but her wisdom should also hold her back from asking things which she will not benefit from

It is wrong that u lied, though i understand why, as ur sister i wont preach to u to not lie, as myself and many sometimes do say stuff which are not true thru instant reaction, only to ask ALLAH for forgiveness when we become aware of it.

islam says practice what u preach so untill i am 100% clean were lies are concerned though mine are lil white lies like, (where are u going? quest: Shop when really am trying to sneak upstairs to eat something in private) u get my point? these are sad lame instant lies i give thru reaction

may ALLAH forgive me, because i do this i cant preach to u and say hey dont lie period.

but i will pass the knowledge on 2 u, so u can do good with it, the prophet scw said a muslim is anything but a liar.

so again if she asks, tell her the truth bro, remember how you do it is what matters. truth can be delivered badly or with wisdom.

say to her something like

'every friend of ALLAHs has a past, a past which we do not wish to remember for it causes us a sense of shame though the good from that is we remember ALLAHS mercy for opening the door when we knocked.
i was a foolish ignorant person, who was driven by lust and not faith, An untamed current of desire, and temptation which slandered the voice of reason.
so yes i did fall into the temptations of zina, but i repented. i was not a jigalo (male whore) i just made a mistake, my mistake had consequences i was told i fathered a child, which i found out was not true. since then i have repented and i wish to get on with my life and get closer to ALLAH. if this information disturbs u, and u wish to not marry me, i understand, and i pray Allah rewards my patience by replacing u with someone better'

if u cant express urself in person verbally do it by writing sometimes when i am upset and i cant say what i want to someone, i write it down.

bro if u said whats said in that quote to me, i would have mixed up emotions, i would feel stupid for asking u questions which its answers wont benefit me, especialy when some thing not beneficial to me also hurt u in the process i would think what was the point.

i would feel compassion for i love friends of ALLAH
i would feel hope, and walahi not just saying this, but ur past will not matter to me.

once u move forward u cant go back, so repent to remove ur past, thats all any of us can do, and no one i mean no one has the right to hold ur past against u.

i pray ur wife to be understands and forgives. if u said the last part of that quote to me, and i was in her shoes, i would be impressed and have no problem letting your past go and moving forward with u. AND i pray she doesnt to.

where would we be without second chances? imagine ALLAH gave no second chances
it will be hard knock world man.

i noticed many people freak out when they hear a potential husband or wife, had a boyfriend or girlfriend, this is because they assume they went the whole nine yards.

truth is thru most of these unions, the stray muslim still fear ALLAH to an extent, so there zina doesnt pass kiss's and cuddles, hey am just stating the reality am not justifying it so pls dont think i am, i am just keeping it real.

we have to understand boy/girl friends doesnt mean the couple had intercourse.
though even kissing is fornication. we dont usually think premarital relationships consisted of kissing only, if we did we wouldnt freak out as much. so keep an open mind.

some muslims who never use to practice islam like myself, u would assume i had a boyfriend at one point but thats not true, this is because i use to think no point disobeying ALLAH in everything, so i thought i dont wear hijab ok then guard ur chastity, i dont pray salat, ok then dont be miserly. etc etc

sometimes walahi what u see is not what u get, back then i was the perfect example of that saying. u would think i was corrupted because judgement was passed the moment one saw my hair, but deep down i had a heart of gold. and was more moral then some fake cultural hijabis i knew.

Please dear muslims, judge a person by the deeds of the present not the past especialy when they have repented. and never assume how astray they were. ask if u must but do not assume. for assumptions make even the best of us look stupid. judge from what u know, not what u heard

to the bro that started the thread, if this sister turns u down because of ur past, move on, u dont need a woman who cant forgive and forget anyways.

Peace be upon those who follow the guidance

[Guardian Hijab]

There are plenty of ways of finding out your potential husbands past.

I want to know everything, especially if he had sexual relationships.

This is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. And I don't want to go on with just "his word".

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:salams

There are plenty of ways of finding out your potential husbands past.

I want to know everything, especially if he had sexual relationships.

This is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. And I don't want to go on with just "his word".

Exactly!

It's not fair on her to keep such a thing, don't disillusion her. Things like this get out of hand esp if she finds out from someone else, she will feel betrayed and deceived by you. And these two emotions cut a marriage to pieces and have devastating effects.

:salams

[muslimah85]

If it meant finding out what about my intended spouse/husbands previous sexual history from a third party i would be gutted, instead I would rather he came clean to me. There are woment who are willing to marry someone who has commited zina and repented (say before they became practising) and sincerely sought forgivness).

There can also so often happen that ones spouse/intended spouse may find out about such a past history sometime in life and If one could admit to it, come clean about their history and explain it was done in error, then in my opinion thats fine.

I would forgive and consider marraige.

[ur_yusra]

Say he has had past relations.. and he doesnt tell you..

How can you find out??

wouldnt you be gutted if you found out after marriage.. :(

[muslimah85]

something another sister posted once:

Am I still considered a virgin when it comes to marriage if I erred and committed zina years ago?

Assalamu alaikum,

I wish to marry a man who is married, but i am not a virgin and neither am i previously married. The time i committed zina was a while back almost six years ago and it happened only 3 times around the same period and all took place in less than 20 minutes. I cannot even remember what it felt like, and i did not like it when it was taking place. I presently mostly consider myself a virgin.


Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,

I pray that this finds you well, and in the best of health and spirits. May Allah grant you all good and success in this life and the next.

In the Shariah, someone can be:
(1) an actual virgin (namely, someone who hasn't engaged in sexual intercourse)
(2) an effective vrigin (namely, someone not known to have engaged in sexual intercourse)
(3) a non-virgin (namely, someone previously married such that they would have consummated their marriage, or someone openly known to have engaged in zina).
[ Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar ; Shaykh Zada, Majma` al-Anhur]

Both (1) and (2) are considered "virgins" when it comes to the rulings of the Shariah, and can state that they are "virgins" without this being a lie or deceit. Rather, it is from the Mercy of Allah Most High that this door of moving on without disadvantaging oneself remains for those who erred.

See:
Effective Virginity
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=773&CATE=3 (http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=773&CATE=3)

Questioning Potential Son-in-Law About His Virginity
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=5074&CATE=239 (http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=5074&CATE=239)

Why Virgins?
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=845&CATE=3 (http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=845&CATE=3)


And Allah alone gives success.

[mgk81]

Allah is Ar Rahmaan, and Allah knows whats in the heart. Repenting never stops, one should do that each and everyday.

Shukran Quest for your reply, but i still feel that as u said its wrong of her asking such a question, and i feel in my right that i could tell her so, as ive already gone thru pain and humiliation, and then to be humiliated to say how much ppl ive slept with,it only happened the one time, would she believe me if i said it just happened one time, so why should i disgrace myself and say that i did sleep with someone. Ive repented and am a better man today Alhamdulillah.
And if i should tell her the truth, and we do get married but in the marriage she feels no i slept with someone already and all that plays on her mind while i'm with her then of what use is the marriage then, as she would be hypocrital towards herself and her feelings might change, and marriage is something not be taken lightly.

the only reason for the guy telling my fiancer was that he told another girl that i knew at some stage, so all he does is backbiting/fitnaa, and there are people who thrives on it, but Allah warns against such people.

yes ive told her that i had past relationships but should one get personal and ask with how much ppl ive slept with, rather take me for bloodtests, which ive already gone, and Alhamdulillah im fine, but then she too would have to have tests, dont mean that u quiet and think u the holiest of the holy, both of the partners wanting to marry should go.

imagine i should tell her come lets go see if ur still a virgin, lets have a doc check your hymen. what if its torn or what ever, it could either be by sexual or sports or something else, what would be going thru my mind, is she lying or what happened.

certain things need to be exposed but cmon people, do u really think the question was fair?

[Abu.Bakr]

I think it's pretty pathetic that someone would want to know about their spouses past after they have repented

[mgk81]

And to those who wants to find out, i would say thats being quite nosey, rather have bloodtests the both of you and which ever other tests, as i said, theres women of todays age whom are not angels too. but ofcorse if someone is hiding evils of drug taking, still having run arounds with women/men and much other things, that is good enuf trying to find out about the person, but specifically trying to find out if the person had sexual relations and with how much people thats a bit much, with u thinking theres many ways of finding out, u could cause fitnaa and "destroy" the person especially when he/she hasnt had.

[Emelianenko]

I think it's pretty pathetic that someone would want to know about their spouses past after they have repented
Bro of course but for those who have say protected themselves from the fitnahs out their and remained as virgins..then for them if their possible spouse is not a virgin then aye it is a problem for them. Ok they have repented but end of day the harms tht come for having fallen into such sins will always haunt us. ie it has been known in for example say arguments in marriage..in anger a spouse can say anything.."oh ur lame in bed..so n so was frikin way better than u" aye its in anger but this kind of stuff will always play in the minds of those who protected their virginity. I take my topi off to those who MashaAllah accept ppl who have repented for their past and go into a marriage with an open heart..but to make out one who has protected their virginity and then making em out bad for not being comfortable with one who isnt a virgin is not right either.

[muslimah85]

I think it's pretty pathetic that someone would want to know about their spouses past after they have repented
i agree but if it means sometime in life finding out from someone else/3rd party as is often the case then its better to come clean

after all if someones repented i dont see the problem? I would still consider marriage

[bint]

she shud let go of his past man..if uve told her that u have repented why dig the past? gosh some people are just so annoying!

[Abu.Bakr]

I understand completely how everyone would want a virgin, etc, but I just don't think it is right to ask someone to reveal their past sins especially after they have repented from it. When we make dua, we ask for a pious spouse, not a virgin one, correct?

[Quest]

Allah is Ar Rahmaan, and Allah knows whats in the heart. Repenting never stops, one should do that each and everyday.

Shukran Quest for your reply, but i still feel that as u said its wrong of her asking such a question, and i feel in my right that i could tell her so, as ive already gone thru pain and humiliation, and then to be humiliated to say how much ppl ive slept with,it only happened the one time, would she believe me if i said it just happened one time, so why should i disgrace myself and say that i did sleep with someone. Ive repented and am a better man today Alhamdulillah.
And if i should tell her the truth, and we do get married but in the marriage she feels no i slept with someone already and all that plays on her mind while i'm with her then of what use is the marriage then, as she would be hypocrital towards herself and her feelings might change, and marriage is something not be taken lightly.

the only reason for the guy telling my fiancer was that he told another girl that i knew at some stage, so all he does is backbiting/fitnaa, and there are people who thrives on it, but Allah warns against such people.

yes ive told her that i had past relationships but should one get personal and ask with how much ppl ive slept with, rather take me for bloodtests, which ive already gone, and Alhamdulillah im fine, but then she too would have to have tests, dont mean that u quiet and think u the holiest of the holy, both of the partners wanting to marry should go.

imagine i should tell her come lets go see if ur still a virgin, lets have a doc check your hymen. what if its torn or what ever, it could either be by sexual or sports or something else, what would be going thru my mind, is she lying or what happened.

certain things need to be exposed but cmon people, do u really think the question was fair?


akii do not stress yourself, if she asks u how many people u slept with, answer a question with a question ask her what she would benefit from such an answer?

there is really no need, and i could swear i read somewhere that its not good to ask about things which will cause u no benefit or no benefit can come from.

about u taking a test thats good, and alhamdulilaah u are ok, if she is a non virgin she should take it also. if she is a virgin better safe then sorry because diseases are not just caught from intercourse, but i dont see no point in making her do so.

do not question her about her hymen in the way u explained, thats just making u stoop to her level akii.

pray istaqkara and ALLAH will put ur heart at ease. i think u stressed about this enough it isnt fair, and no one but ALLAH has the right to humiliate u.

i agree with Abu bakr, we ask for pious spouses not virgin ones.
anyone who asks about the past of a person who repented especialy when such a past upsets that person, is pathetic and selfish in my eyes

May ALLAH make this easy for u, dont even trip keep ur head up.

[Emelianenko]

I understand completely how everyone would want a virgin, etc, but I just don't think it is right to ask someone to reveal their past sins especially after they have repented from it. When we make dua, we ask for a pious spouse, not a virgin one, correct? Bro i understand what your saying, but your missing the point..Nabi saw in one hadith advised a Sahabi to marry a virgin for it does have its benefits. Ok now for example..say the person sadly fell into temptation and lost their virginity before Marriage and they have repented..Alhamdulillah Allah is the most forgiving. However, the harms of what this person did and its after effects they will have to live with i.e say a person was a drug dealer..he supplied drugs to many youth..and youth got into the habit of stealing and so on to feed their habits..now this dealer goes and does taubah and leaves his ways. InshaAllah he is forgiven however the fact will always remain tht the youth he supplied to may still be hooked and doing all sorts to feed their habits. He has repented but the harms of what he did will remain in his face and he has to live with tht.

Same with this case bro, If a person asks..and the person being asked knows theyve messed around, then they should answer and maybe question the other as to if they are also virgin. If they do not ask then khair no need to expose ones past inshaAllah. But in this case to make out the person who is virgin out to be bad simply for asking is wrong. That is their right, they MashaAllah controlled their temptations and maybe they want someone pure like themselves, if they can accept the possible spouses past then Alhamdulillah such a person is lucky, if not...then hey this is the harms and after effects of having getting the pants off to quick.

Virgins if they before hand know the spouse has messed around and go ahead..the fear will always be there..its new to them, they learning and so on..whereas the other spouse like :rolleyes: "gawd they so boring" and when couples have rows in the heat of the moment its issues like these which were not tackled before marriage which will be used to insult the other.

Like you said, if one can avoid asking khair thts good stuff, but if a virgin wishes to know..then they are in no way wrong to ask.

[Abu.Bakr]

Bro i understand what your saying, but your missing the point..Nabi saw in one hadith advised a Sahabi to marry a virgin for it does have its benefits. Ok now for example..say the person sadly fell into temptation and lost their virginity before Marriage and they have repented..Alhamdulillah Allah is the most forgiving. However, the harms of what this person did and its after effects they will have to live with i.e say a person was a drug dealer..he supplied drugs to many youth..and youth got into the habit of stealing and so on to feed their habits..now this dealer goes and does taubah and leaves his ways. InshaAllah he is forgiven however the fact will always remain tht the youth he supplied to may still be hooked and doing all sorts to feed their habits. He has repented but the harms of what he did will remain in his face and he has to live with tht.

Same with this case bro, If a person asks..and the person being asked knows theyve messed around, then they should answer and maybe question the other as to if they are also virgin. If they do not ask then khair no need to expose ones past inshaAllah. But in this case to make out the person who is virgin out to be bad simply for asking is wrong. That is their right, they MashaAllah controlled their temptations and maybe they want someone pure like themselves, if they can accept the possible spouses past then Alhamdulillah such a person is lucky, if not...then hey this is the harms and after effects of having getting the pants off to quick.

Virgins if they before hand know the spouse has messed around and go ahead..the fear will always be there..its new to them, they learning and so on..whereas the other spouse like :rolleyes: "gawd they so boring" and when couples have rows in the heat of the moment its issues like these which were not tackled before marriage which will be used to insult the other.

Like you said, if one can avoid asking khair thts good stuff, but if a virgin wishes to know..then they are in no way wrong to ask.
I think now is a good time to mention that only one of the prophet's wives was a virgin when he married her.

With your example of the drug dealer akhi, when we repent we leave that sin behind us. We should try and stay as far away from it as possible. We shouldn't keep looking back to see the troubles we've caused. A condition of repenting is moving on akhi. We should not be responsible for other people's actions

[Emelianenko]

I think now is a good time to mention that only one of the prophet's wives was a virgin when he married her.

With your example of the drug dealer akhi, when we repent we leave that sin behind us. We should try and stay as far away from it as possible. We shouldn't keep looking back to see the troubles we've caused. A condition of repenting is moving on akhi. We should not be responsible for other people's actions Bro im not saying we push all non-virgins away..i myself would defo consider and not look at their past inshaAllah. But sadly here people who are virgins are being made out to be wrong or bad for asking something which they have the right to ask.

Also about the drug dealing example i think youve missed my point i was trying to make bro, aye they have repented...aye a sign is they leave their ways...BUT the damage of their action will always remain visible in front of them and they have to live with that. Just cus they have repented doesnt mean all those people who they supplied drugs to and maybe invited to join the trade will all of a sudden become angels cus hes done taubah also now..aye they are responsible for their actions also....but the dealer was the source and invited others to the trade.

[marjan]

Tell her, not because of guilt, or fear that someone else will, but because you value honesty. It could also be a test of her level of caring for you and it will show sincerity on your part. Why should you have anything to hide? It was a long time ago. Its not part of your lifestyle now.

[marjan]

repenting.

2nd question.
she keeps asking me with how women ive slept with, and i said none. is that wrong of me. as i am protecting my dignity and i have paid my dues with muslim people and other speaking about me in my hometown, and i have repented. And thus too as we are wanting to marry, i do not want her thinking that i have been with any 1 person before her, as i cherish her so much, shes a real good person.


I don't think this is right. Why start out with lies? If she's 'a real good person' she'll detect that you are sincere and are living a different lifesyle NOW.

It's sad that you didn't tell her the truth earlier when she asked you. Please ask yourself why you chose not to. What were your reasons for feeling so defensive?

It must feel awful worrying about what your wife-to-be will think of you, but I think it's important you test her level of sincerity by telling her the truth!

Do you fear she will walk away from you and tell everyone? If so, why would you want to marry someone like that she sounds awful.

She will obviously feel jealous, question whether you will do it again/ your level of iman but you'll just have to convince her you are not that person anymore. Drop your guard and be sincere. You should be fine.

[mgk81]

majran as i said the reason for not telling her is coz of my dignity, ive gone thru enuf humiliation, then to humiliate myself again by the person i want to marry again, its something that i dont wanna do. Muslimah85 posted an article to where its said that after repenting u dont need to say that u did or u can simply so NO u never.

Then i would say for a woman/man who thinks that way, should ask the person on meeting already, that way it gets spilled out from the beginning if they want to ofcorse, that would be better.

Quest, no ways would i ever ask a question bout virginity, nor have i ever asked her anything of the sort. I have made Istihaarah, and she truely is someone to be treasured Alhamdulillah, but i think at times its just some questions that drives one nuts, other then that, she'd be a good spouse, mother, daughter and sister in-law.

The only thing upsetting was the specific question. so if it does pop up at some stage, i'd jus wanna see what others opinion on the matter is and ofcorse according to Islam what i am allowed to say.
Islam can never lay a burden on someone especially after they have been rightly guided/repented, nor to humuliate someone especially after repenting and not going back.

[Guardian Hijab]

Say he has had past relations.. and he doesnt tell you..

How can you find out??

wouldnt you be gutted if you found out after marriage.. :(
If he was raised in the same city as you, either he will tell you, or someone that knows him will.

One way is to ask him to do a STD test, a man has nothing to hide if he's willing to do a test.

I know I'll be asking that question. LOL As you can see, I don't trust people easily, especially guys.

[mgk81]

If he was raised in the same city as you, either he will tell you, or someone that knows him will.

One way is to ask him to do a STD test, a man has nothing to hide if he's willing to do a test.

I know I'll be asking that question. LOL As you can see, I don't trust people easily, especially guys.


And what if he says that u too should go?would you?

[Abu.Bakr]

Bro im not saying we push all non-virgins away..i myself would defo consider and not look at their past inshaAllah. But sadly here people who are virgins are being made out to be wrong or bad for asking something which they have the right to ask.

Also about the drug dealing example i think youve missed my point i was trying to make bro, aye they have repented...aye a sign is they leave their ways...BUT the damage of their action will always remain visible in front of them and they have to live with that. Just cus they have repented doesnt mean all those people who they supplied drugs to and maybe invited to join the trade will all of a sudden become angels cus hes done taubah also now..aye they are responsible for their actions also....but the dealer was the source and invited others to the trade.
Yep, I understand where you're coming from bro. We follow this religion for the sake of Allah, and Allah says we should not reveal our sins. I think we both understand each other wAlhamdulillah, but we are both seeing things from different points of view.

Regarding someone making tawbah and still being responsible for the other people's actions, this is not true akhi. Once tawbah is made, the sins that the other people make which were initiated by you, no longer are upon you. Remember, the one who repents, it is as if had never committed that sin in the first place.

May Allah forgive our sins and unite us in Firdaus, ameen.

[mgk81]

Yep, I understand where you're coming from bro. We follow this religion for the sake of Allah, and Allah says we should not reveal our sins. I think we both understand each other wAlhamdulillah, but we are both seeing things from different points of view.

Regarding someone making tawbah and still being responsible for the other people's actions, this is not true akhi. Once tawbah is made, the sins that the other people make which were initiated by you, no longer are upon you. Remember, the one who repents, it is as if had never committed that sin in the first place.

May Allah forgive our sins and unite us in Firdaus, ameen.

Ameen Insha-Allah

[Emelianenko]

Yep, I understand where you're coming from bro. We follow this religion for the sake of Allah, and Allah says we should not reveal our sins. I think we both understand each other wAlhamdulillah, but we are both seeing things from different points of view.

Regarding someone making tawbah and still being responsible for the other people's actions, this is not true akhi. Once tawbah is made, the sins that the other people make which were initiated by you, no longer are upon you. Remember, the one who repents, it is as if had never committed that sin in the first place.

May Allah forgive our sins and unite us in Firdaus, ameen.
Aye i ken what u saying bruv. If sum1 wants to ask a possible spouse then inshaAllah if they want answers it shud be kept amongst themselves and khalas. Like i said, i would inshaAllah overlook sum1 with a past and consider them..but if a Virgin was to ask and for legit reasons then u cant knock em also.

As for the sinning thing and drug dealing, im not saying that the sins r still on his head..their is a difference between the sins and the harms...he is not being held accountable but the harm has been done..he will not be sinning as others still feed their habit but due to his tawbah the drugs will not clear off. A person does tawbah..sins r no longer on him but the HARMS and the EFFECTS of tht sin remain.

Ameen to ur duas :up:

[Abu.Bakr]

Of course nothing wrong with marrying a virgin, I'm sure that is everyone's first preference ;) but we shouldn't rule out non-Virgins. Alhamdulillah we can agree on that akhi.

As for the sinning part, yes the harms are still there but we shouldn't let them effect us. Once we have repented we should try our best to keep away from that sin as much as possible. So yes, harm is still there, but it's no longer our problem. Remember, everything is in Allah's hands

[Guardian Hijab]

And what if he says that u too should go?would you?
Without hesitation.

[Rie_Maya]

:salams
I don't think you really need to be preached at about what you are/have done wrong - I'll leave that for others.....

I do, however, think that your wife to be DOES have a right to know the truth - as a woman who has had 'relationships' (NB I am a convert) I know that finding out someone has lied/stretched the truth about their past made and would still make me suspicious of that person and doubt them - and no relationship can survive doubt!

If she is the person you think she is - she will perhaps be disappointed etc, may even want time to think about it all - she may then decide to continue as she feels you've both got a clean slate to start married life with.

She may also be one of those people who only want to marry a 'sexually equal' person (ie both virgins etc) which is also her right - if this is the case, isn't it better to find out now, than she marries you, finds out the truth etc and then possibly asks for a divorce???

I suppose I would also consider it from the other persepctive:
Imagine you had asked her questions......whatever........she had lied..you find out............where does that leave you - especially if the question answers were very important to you????

With regards to the wife'-to-be's right to ask such questions: for me it's a double edged sword - I personally would want to know a brief history - including whether have had relationships etc as it tells me about the person's character - it doesn't mean I would judge them based on it.........I wouldn't however want too much detail - as that in itself can lead to problems such as jealousy...........................

I just wouldn't want to end up like some where a spouse's ex actually attend the wedding etc - to me thats too much and I'd be furious!!!!!

:saws2:

[mgk81]

:salams
I don't think you really need to be preached at about what you are/have done wrong - I'll leave that for others.....

I do, however, think that your wife to be DOES have a right to know the truth - as a woman who has had 'relationships' (NB I am a convert) I know that finding out someone has lied/stretched the truth about their past made and would still make me suspicious of that person and doubt them - and no relationship can survive doubt!

If she is the person you think she is - she will perhaps be disappointed etc, may even want time to think about it all - she may then decide to continue as she feels you've both got a clean slate to start married life with.

She may also be one of those people who only want to marry a 'sexually equal' person (ie both virgins etc) which is also her right - if this is the case, isn't it better to find out now, than she marries you, finds out the truth etc and then possibly asks for a divorce???

I suppose I would also consider it from the other persepctive:
Imagine you had asked her questions......whatever........she had lied..you find out............where does that leave you - especially if the question answers were very important to you????

With regards to the wife'-to-be's right to ask such questions: for me it's a double edged sword - I personally would want to know a brief history - including whether have had relationships etc as it tells me about the person's character - it doesn't mean I would judge them based on it.........I wouldn't however want too much detail - as that in itself can lead to problems such as jealousy...........................

I just wouldn't want to end up like some where a spouse's ex actually attend the wedding etc - to me thats too much and I'd be furious!!!!!

:saws2:

but islamically is it correct to ask such a question, as if one makes taubah then shouldnt it be forgotten, i have told her i had previous relationships but to go as far as asking about sexual relations!

and wouldnt invite any ex's as she'l be my lifelong partner my friend she means everything to me when we married, and currently i dont have any relations with any females not in contact with any ex's if i see them i'l greet them but thats it.

but dont u think it would have been fair if she'd ask that question before we got to know each other,now we on the verge of marrying, now she comes up with that typa question? as ive told her i had previous relations,but never did she ask about sexual, only until that incident that happened as in first post. but i do have the right to protect my dignity and past to a certain extent.

[Rie_Maya]

but islamically is it correct to ask such a question, as if one makes taubah then shouldnt it be forgotten, i have told her i had previous relationships but to go as far as asking about sexual relations!

and wouldnt invite any ex's as she'l be my lifelong partner my friend she means everything to me when we married, and currently i dont have any relations with any females not in contact with any ex's if i see them i'l greet them but thats it.

but dont u think it would have been fair if she'd ask that question before we got to know each other,now we on the verge of marrying, now she comes up with that typa question? as ive told her i had previous relations,but never did she ask about sexual, only until that incident that happened as in first post. but i do have the right to protect my dignity and past to a certain extent.

Ok - we know that according to many you can not tell the truth/avoid directly answering your wife-to-be; but is it not her right to know the truth about important things like this!!!

To be fair to your wife-to-be she may not have felt that she was 'familiar' with you enough to be so direct earlier? Also she may not have considered the serious implications of what you having had relationships would have meant to her??? Alternatively she may have considered that you'd had relationships but assumed that you'd've not got physical (we all know that there are Muslims out there in relationships that do not commit the act of zina)..............
It could be lots of things - nevertheless it has to be her right to ask when making such an important decision.

You have a right to protect your dignity???
Sorry I am of the position where I think yes you have repented, but you lost the right to take the high ground when you strayed. I am not saying that I judge personally - I just think you can't have had the forbidden fruit, ate it, say sorry and then expect your wife-to-be who has not strayed close to the forbidden fruit to not have the right to know you did so but have repented!!! We all make mistakes and wish for forgiveness from Allah SWT, but it does not change the fact that it took place..........would you be happy if your daughter married a murderer who had repented, but had not told you he had murdered???? I don't think so!!! Same logic I feel.....

As I asked if the boot was on the other foot??? ie If you found out your wife-to-be was not a virgin when you'd be led to believe she was what would you think - what basis for a good marriage would that be - starting off with deceit???

Reading through this I know it may sound harsh -and I genuinely do not wish to be harsh or hurt feelings, if I do please forgive me - I do believe that women have more of an issue with lies and not being told the truth than they ever have with cold-facts!!! Obviously I can not make any guarantees about the lady in question, but most women I know would accept the truth far more gracefully and continue to marriage than discover deceit......