fiancee's past life

[hiram_ahmed]

I am going to be married soon and am now engaged to a girl who my parents liked. I have talked to her and have liked her because she seems smart and she is good looking. But I have found out that she had past relationships, and I feel very hurt and cheated. I dont know how to react to this as I would be going against my parents wishes,they have liked her already and they are very modern, and the formalities and the engagement has already been done.
The girls family and my family dont know that I found this out, and I dont know if I should go on with this marriage. She is not Islamic but I was hoping that after marriage maybe she would see the beauty of Islam and in time she would change. But I dont know now, and dont know if I will be alright with marrying her. On the other hand, she is educated and has her own job, and the engagement has already been done. I am not sure if I should not marry because of my own personal dissatisfaction over her past life or should I not give this much thought and give this marriage a chance?

[Emelianenko]

bro..two things...Consult ur pious elders..and Istikarah..if u still have serious doubts after tht..talk to ur family and just express ur concerns and see how it goes from their. These kinda things u wanna settle before marrying..cus otherwise they can cause lot of probs later on if not settled now.

[OthaEllen]

It sounds like you don't want to marry her. You are a man. Simply refuse to marry her.

[ur_yusra]

hmmm its difficult especially because you say that she is not practising..

Usually peoples behaviour can be overlooked if it was carried out before they became practising, i.e. when they were jahil..

I think you should do istikhara..

If I was in this situation and the guy had previous relationships and at the present time was still not practising.. for me that would be a definate no no..:nono:

But everyones different..

[Quest]

lol i co sign what yusra said

istaqkara bro, then follow your heart.

[mara]

I agree too and in addition i would only like to say you need to think how much does this bothers you because its well known the relation with those who had one are more difficult. They are comming with own fears about what they suffered until the previous was over. many feelings never dissapear. They can appear in any moment of her life again. Its much easier to begin a relation with one which had none, in this way she will learn with you. But if we follow this, the divorced or widows will never marry again.

[IceQueen]

i agree with the above sisters

istikhaarah
inshallah your decison will be lightened, in whatever direction...

personally...past relationships and still not practising?? big no...

but each to their ow inshallah

[Te'oma]

asalaamu alaykum bro, I have to ask you a question, do you have a past too with prior relationships? If you haven't then you have reason to protest on that basis. If you are guilty of the same thing then you have no ground to stand on.
The main concern that I would have is that she is not practicing Islam now. You should not marry her and hope to change her because Allah leads those that he will and leaves those that he will and only he is worthy to make this choice

[MG]

hmmm its difficult especially because you say that she is not practising..

Usually peoples behaviour can be overlooked if it was carried out before they became practising, i.e. when they were jahil..

I think you should do istikhara..

If I was in this situation and the guy had previous relationships and at the present time was still not practising.. for me that would be a definate no no..:nono:

But everyones different..

i agree, ask her how she feels about these relationships? does she regret them? has she repented? i think her answers to these will show u wat her inclinations towards islam is. Also do istikhara :)

if she does regret them and repented, remeber that those that repent from a sin and dont go back to it again are like those who never commited that sin the 1st place :) , so if allah swt can forgive then u should try too inshallah.

May Allah swt guide you.Ameen

[Al-Irhaab]

asalaamu alaykum bro, I have to ask you a question, do you have a past too with prior relationships? If you haven't then you have reason to protest on that basis. If you are guilty of the same thing then you have no ground to stand on.
The main concern that I would have is that she is not practicing Islam now. You should not marry her and hope to change her because Allah leads those that he will and leaves those that he will and only he is worthy to make this choice

i agree bro... you judge by your own actions aswell... if u aint too good in ur deen and have a past then dont let her past effect u.... but make sure shes left her past and uve left ures too... personally id keep the engagement and do istikhara and mashwara and chat to her about the deen inshallah maybe she will change before marriage u have time....

[ze leetle elper]

I always say this (I know I sound like a broken record :p ) but never marry someone in the hope that they will change for the better. You marry them for who they are at that moment in time.

Will you be happy with her if she never changes islamically? If she remains the same? If so, then by all means go ahead. If not, then don't. If she does change in the future, then alhamdullillah, but you don't go into a marriage expecting she will. You can hope all you want but at the end of the day you marry her for who she is right there and then.

Also, you said you have found out about her past relationships. Did she tell you about them? How did you find out? If it is bothering you a lot, then you can do 2 things. Ask her about them or call it off. It doesn't matter that your families like one another, that you have got engaged (because this really doesn't mean anything) or whatever. When you get married you will be commiting your life to be with this woman - so make sure the decision you make is one you can stick by.

Do remember, that almost everyone has a past/ done things they may regret. Repentance and forgiveness of these things is between them and Allah (swt). It is not liked to reveal past sins if one has repented inshaAllah

[seven]

you got 2 choices: either you go ahead with it, or you don't.

if you choose not to go ahead with it then break it up ASAP... the longer you wait, the harder it will get.

if you choose to go ahead with it then do it fully commited. never question her or anyone about her past... don't even think about her past. start from a clean slate for who she is now. marriage is what you make it. thinking about her past will only bring you misery.


if you feel you cant get over her past then and you still want to marry her then forget it. either you forget her past and marry her or remember her past and break it off.

[hiram_ahmed]

asalaamu alaykum bro, I have to ask you a question, do you have a past too with prior relationships? If you haven't then you have reason to protest on that basis. If you are guilty of the same thing then you have no ground to stand on.
The main concern that I would have is that she is not practicing Islam now. You should not marry her and hope to change her because Allah leads those that he will and leaves those that he will and only he is worthy to make this choice


No I didnt. Thats one of the reasons it had hurt me. I had started practising Islam way before I could fall into Zina alhamdilillah . By pious elders is it meant a marriage counsellor and imam ?

[hiram_ahmed]

Also, you said you have found out about her past relationships. Did she tell you about them? How did you find out?
Do remember, that almost everyone has a past/ done things they may regret. Repentance and forgiveness of these things is between them and Allah (swt). It is not liked to reveal past sins if one has repented inshaAllah

I found out by chance, a colleagues friend used to be her boyfriend. She doesnt know about me finding out.

[muslimah85]

I found out by chance, a colleagues friend used to be her boyfriend. She doesnt know about me finding out.
ouch :eek: personally id want him to be upfront with me about it,

if hes repented and changed his ways then id accept him regardless of previous relations(like i said only if he repented and became practising), if not then the heave ho im afraid.

if she's not practising now who says she'll change?

i appreciate u giving her the benefit of the doubt, but marraige is a serious and binding contract, if you cant forget it now who'll say you will then? and it will affect you marriage .

[Nawar]

I always say this (I know I sound like a broken record :p ) but never marry someone in the hope that they will change for the better. You marry them for who they are at that moment in time.

Will you be happy with her if she never changes islamically? If she remains the same? If so, then by all means go ahead. If not, then don't. If she does change in the future, then alhamdullillah, but you don't go into a marriage expecting she will. You can hope all you want but at the end of the day you marry her for who she is right there and then.

Also, you said you have found out about her past relationships. Did she tell you about them? How did you find out? If it is bothering you a lot, then you can do 2 things. Ask her about them or call it off. It doesn't matter that your families like one another, that you have got engaged (because this really doesn't mean anything) or whatever. When you get married you will be commiting your life to be with this woman - so make sure the decision you make is one you can stick by.

Do remember, that almost everyone has a past/ done things they may regret. Repentance and forgiveness of these things is between them and Allah (swt). It is not liked to reveal past sins if one has repented inshaAllah

:up:..Yeh I definately agree..its dangerous to rely on speculation that someone 'may' or may not become practising....too much uncertainty.

Her Islam right now should be your main concern and the basis of a possible refusal...because whether or not she is practsing with fear of Allah (swt), is what determines her compatibility with you and how likely it is for her to return to that kind of previous behavour and mentality anyway...

Also, ofcourse istikhara inshallah....... :up:

[Al-ghurabah]

well do istikarah first.
then try to ask her or find out if she is willing to start practising what are her views. remember one of the rights of the child is to have a good mother..
so make sure you are sure. DO NOT MARRY IF YOU ARE UNSURE.. NOT GOOD..
like people here have said people change we all have made mistakes commited sins.. allah is the forgiver the most mercifull..
but make sure she is practiisng or wants to..
allah knows best.
inshallah allah will make it easy for you

[outlandish]

salaam brother
In today's time u cant expect someone to have a clean past its very hard to find someone like that. But people do make mistakes if she has repented for it than if God can forgive we humans shouldnt be so hard and get over it.

[Quest]

My friend who is not an ummah forum member gives you the following advice

"Make dawa to the sister, lay down the ground rules, give her an altimatum, if she is not willing to repent and practice, leave her for the sake of ALLAH and ALLAH will replace her with one better, i am speaking from experience"

if she repents let her past go bro, if it truely bothers u, especialy seeing that u found out from another man, move on there is plenty of fish in the sea, i understand the stigma.

[Emelianenko]

Bro since u mashaAllah protected yourself from such evils...i can understand ur fears. The best thing is to do Istikarah..BUT since ur already having such doubts maybe ur heart will remain in tht state..before things continue break it off...and as Quest said..Allah will provide you with some one better and someone on deen inshaAllah.

PS..by pious elders is meant...Local Scholars, ppl experienced in life and practising and their intake on the situation.

[ze leetle elper]

I found out by chance, a colleagues friend used to be her boyfriend. She doesnt know about me finding out.

Ok so basically this is 3rd party information and not exactly from a source that would be un-bias ie: an ex-boyfriend etc

I think seven was right in a way. If you want to go through with it, you put her past behind you because you were not meant to know about it and found out by accident anyway. You start with a clean slate. :up:

If you feel you cannot, break away as soon as possible. Like now.

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:salams

Brother do Istikharaa and :insha: it will help you.

Personally if this was my situation, i'd pull out, this is your Future Allah changes whom He wills but don't rely on this change for yourself to love her. Does she regret what she has done? Would you doubt she'd do it again as i've seen people being eaten up with suspicious minds :(

Are there consequences to her habits? What if the consequences occured 5 years later and say for e.g. you had aids etc what will you do then? You can't 'regret' it because you knew the situation beforehand, hence the reason it's encouraged to pray Istikhaara because InshaAllah a sign will come and she could be one of the best things that could have happened to you and you could be the nicest thing that has happened to her, spiritually and mentally. Allah knows things we don't, she could change being married to you, and we hope but we don't base our lives on our expectations all the time.

Can you guarantee that when you marry her you marry her with a clean slate and not mock her about this and insult her about this past she has hidden from you? Because if you feel you will bring this topic up to damage her mentally and hurt her every time you have an argument then let her go as i've seen people go through this and every couple argues- don't tear her apart.

Can you live with this knowledge, as human we are weak we don't do what's right all the time but can you see life with her, do you feel both of you are compatible? Allah knows better than us and remember marriage isn't a walk in the park, we know we have to work at it but do you feel this extra knowledge can cause you problems?

:salams

[mara]

I don't like to be... but i think would be better if you would have a conversation about her past and see what she is telling you.
May be it was only something minor, boyfriend can mean less than you are imagine.
And the best would to have a conversation with both -but both to be face on face, in this way definetely will find out the true.

[Cashew]

Her past really isn't as much of an issue as where she stands in terms of her faith.

As someone said earlier, when you marry a person, you absolutely must be 100% satisfied with who that person is right now.

It would be very unfair to both of you to base your decision on who this young woman may or may not someday become.

Religious issues always become very important as soon as children are involved.

Just a thought: Perhaps it's easier for you to concentrate on this young woman's past than it is for you to think seriously and carefully about your future with her.

Although I'm a Westerner and do believe in the importance of romantic love between husband and wife, I also know that love is not enough to form a stable long-term marriage. Shared goals and values are equally, if not more, important.

[puella]

its all fair and dandy giving advice to the brother but can u imagine the sister and what predicament she may be in?..how does she feel about her fiancee?..maybe she would like to speak about her past with him but is too scared of the 'backlash'..if any.

my dear brother, what concerns you is the future and whether this past of hers has the possiblity or rearing its ugly head in your future together..if so then you need to hit it on the head...but speak to her, i cannot stress taht enough...speaking from personal experience,and by no means do i want to put u off at all!!, but in some instances clarification of certain issues is essential,such as this, with a potential spouse inshaAllah....for all we know..it may be malicious gossip..only one way to find out.

[puella]

oh and primarily to perform istikhaara which hopefully one would perform whence the proposal is to be made as well....

[AbuMubarak]

lots of good advice

why would anyone want to marry someone who isnt practicing? unless you arent practicing

i dont care how pretty she is or how the parents feel, if the chick aint practicing islam, she aint too different than a kafir

if you think you are going to get muslim children from a kafir woman, you have lost your mind

like with like, Allah says that in quran

[puella]

but Br Abu Mubarak, define practising please...i acknowledge that belief is translated into actions, hence the practising part, but it is misconstrued. one could have an overwhelmingly deep belief in all that Allah has said, yet struggling to put this into practice hence requiring a strong partner to help them along the way....

[sunilight]

She is not Islamic but I was hoping that after marriage maybe she would see the beauty of Islam and in time she would change.

Previous indescretions are by and by ... as no one knows how ppl repent or change and what there intention is now.

But what you said about her not being very relgious.....
that is the most important thing that i can see here

I feel for you as your must be in quite a dilemma
make istickhara and do what you feel is right
remember marriage is half your deen
she should be there to take up the 50% of the time you are slacking
but if she aint religious you gonna be doing 200% of the work

but at the end of the day
you know what type of marriage you want

so i wish you all the best......
and i dont envy ur position

[.: hayat :.]

u know..i read some messages posted here until i got bored...if u care about my opinion i must say that u should followed your heart..but i think that for muslim ppl things are not so serious..i mean u can't love her before knowing her better so it is easy for u to refuse marrying her..i'm like her..i mean not muslim and my bf it's libi so he said that he loves me and do not care if i had relationships before..u know..for us (ppl not muslim) the past relations are not important ..only the present one..i mean that we had a lot of relationships but this is not big deal cuse they are past..they r memories and experiences who help us to became smarter stronger better like human being..hope u undestand 10% of what i meant..it's my point of view and maybe her too...

[Rie_Maya]

There's a similar debate going on this thread........

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1086940#post1086940