_Pedro

[Pedro]

Hi,

OK, rather a complicated situation but here goes.

I have had an on-off muslim girlfriend... from quite a conservative muslim country. Obviously this has caused quite a few issues. Anyway, last time we had split up she was going to get married to a guy (a muslim), who she'd only just met, but it fell apart after a few weeks. Turned out later he'd been seeing an English girl at the same time as her. Anyway, we got back together recently when this guy got back in touch with her, and she's seriously thinking about getting back together with him.

All of her friends think it's a dreadful idea her being with me, but does that mean she should get back with the muslim guy? Who she hardly knows. And who was seeing another girl behind her back. She seems to have something for him - she's told me loads of stories about how in her country people seem to fall in love with somebody almost at first sight ... obviously it's a major cultural difference.

I know she's going to have to leave me some time, but if I say that this guy is bad news people will think I'm a bit biased. I realise I'm probably totally evil as far as all you lot are concerned, but believe me I didn't wake up one morning and deliberately go out to find a muslim girlfriend. So, should I advise her to avoid him or not? All her friends will think it's wonderful that she's back with him.

Sorry I really have been talking a load of bilge here, but it's nearly 3am and I'm half asleep. Don't know what I'm saying really...

P

[sajid]

What exactly is the issue here?

Love triangle?

The girl going back to the guy and u dont like it?

muslim marrying a non muslim well firstly its not allowed in Islam - But i guess people do it...

my advice move on and find somoene better no point in losing sleep over it or ull end up in this cycle of getting back wid her then fall out weeks later and repeat itself ull only end up depressing yaself

move on and find somone else my advice :)

[Al-ghurabah]

not allowed for a musli mgirl to marryn on-msulim guy. so if you cared about her youd leaver her alobe. and look for a nice non-muslim girl.. many around.. go try your local club or pub.. as for her.
stop all contact with her.. tell her shes a muslim needs to obey the creator and stop commiitng sin..
as for you. become a muslim. youl get fresh start all your sins will be forgiven and youl be part of the glorious muslim ummah. and may save you from hell fire..

[marjan]

http://www.film-forward.com/napoleon.jpg

[**Saba**]

Hi,

OK, rather a complicated situation but here goes.

I have had an on-off muslim girlfriend... from quite a conservative muslim country. Obviously this has caused quite a few issues. Anyway, last time we had split up she was going to get married to a guy (a muslim), who she'd only just met, but it fell apart after a few weeks. Turned out later he'd been seeing an English girl at the same time as her. Anyway, we got back together recently when this guy got back in touch with her, and she's seriously thinking about getting back together with him.

All of her friends think it's a dreadful idea her being with me, but does that mean she should get back with the muslim guy? Who she hardly knows. And who was seeing another girl behind her back. She seems to have something for him - she's told me loads of stories about how in her country people seem to fall in love with somebody almost at first sight ... obviously it's a major cultural difference.

I know she's going to have to leave me some time, but if I say that this guy is bad news people will think I'm a bit biased. I realise I'm probably totally evil as far as all you lot are concerned, but believe me I didn't wake up one morning and deliberately go out to find a muslim girlfriend. So, should I advise her to avoid him or not? All her friends will think it's wonderful that she's back with him.

Sorry I really have been talking a load of bilge here, but it's nearly 3am and I'm half asleep. Don't know what I'm saying really...

P

Wel first and foremost, it is in your best interest as well as hers to stop the relationship that you are in. If you do sincerely respect her background and you are aware of the fact that she still is a Muslim, you need to respect that and let her go. Maybe you can remind her of that its best for her faith to move on. It doesnt really matter if you're not Muslim yourself but obviously, you know that what is going on is not correct.

Secondly, give your opinion if you wish about this guy to her or her friends if you honestly feel she is making a mistake by getting married to him. When you say getting back together with him, what exactly do you mean? Its not anymore halaal for her to be dating him than there is in dating you...

Finally, have ever actually attempted to study Islam for your own understanding. Leanring more about Islam will not only be beneficial to you personally but it will allow you to understand Muslims generally to and maybe build a better understanding of this woman who you know.

May Allaah swt keep you on the path of those whom he bestowed His Mercy upon- aameen

[Pedro]

Hi,

Thanks very much for the replies. All very sensible advice.

I'd rather not go into to ALL the details of the situation, or everybody's response would be like that of Al-ghurabah's. Only 10,000 times worse. But it looks like a) It can't possibly last and b) She isn't going to rush into getting married to this other bloke.

What happens is that she is desperate for me to see her, then is overcome with terrible guilt, it was after splitting up with me the first time she met this guy, and after getting back with me again she started thinking about getting back together with him. Perhaps me being involved with her makes her rush into getting involved with him. But I think I've slightly talked her out of rushing into anything.

My main point in the first place was probably something along the lines of "What's worse, a bad Muslim or a good non-Muslim"? Because no matter how bad I am, her ex-husbands, both Muslims, were violent towards her, one of them was a hapless drunk and the other went to prostitutes all the time. But quite a lot of people would see me as 10,000 times worse...

Responding to some of the points people made:

>as for you. become a muslim. youl get fresh start all your sins will be forgiven and youl be part of the glorious muslim ummah. and may save you from hell fire..

Not much chance, I might be totally un-atheist, but it's one thing believing in a God but any organised religion requires you to believe in a million other things, such as the Catholic Church teaching that you will go straight to hell if you miss mass on a Sunday and fail to repent before dying, or in Islam being told you must get circumcised. And what's this about hell fire? Say you get 100,000,000 years in hell for accidentally stepping on an ant. Even Hitler and Stalin would get out eventually. It is impossible to do anything infinitely bad so you can never deserve an eternity in hell. I suppose in Islam at least there are different levels of heaven/hell which seems slightly fairer, but
even so... Anyway, this is going off the subject a bit...

>Finally, have ever actually attempted to study Islam for your own understanding. Leanring more about Islam will not only be beneficial to you personally but it will allow you to understand Muslims generally to and maybe build a better understanding of this woman who you know.

Well I'm reasonably familiar with it as a kind of side-effect of learning Arabic. That's another point I might make, there is a girl in my class who has an Arab boyfriend and was totally open about it but I've never mentioned about this girl. It would go down considerably worse with people in the class because of her being a girl. Not that knowing her is the only reason for me learning Arabic, in fact only a small part of it... but I still don't want to go it all.

In conclusion, I don't regret it's happened, but definitely we should both try to meet different people... although in her case not necessarily this bloke, who incidentally I shouldn't be rude about really because I've never met him personally. If it is human nature to sin then isn't being good all the time dehumanising? Probably best to just try to do good on balance. Not a point of view that's going to go down very well here, but there you are.

[mara]

My main point in the first place was probably something along the lines of "What's worse, a bad Muslim or a good non-Muslim"? Because no matter how bad I am, her ex-husbands, both Muslims, were violent towards her, one of them was a hapless drunk and the other went to prostitutes all the time. But quite a lot of people would see me as 10,000 times worse...

Somewhere there is a person which is compatible with you :). At this hour you are sure about:

she has not only pleasent feelings from her marriages, because of her two-ex;
she has no deep feelings towards you either, because she was able to look after another man and only when turned out this man its not available she turned back to you;
marriage its not about charity, we are not forced to get marry with everyone whos not happy about their life;
you are not perfect...but not so bad either, like you said.Exactly this last point make me to say you should go back from this relation because in time, without to wish, people are changing and what seems so vague in the beginning could turn in some other type of characters. For example, in the beginning you could offer her lot of affection but think what will happen when you will discover she is not responding at your feelings, ..., in time this could lead to other actions like beating, drinking, not faithful to her and so on.
You should marry only with a woman when you are sure, at least, she has feelings toward you.