Quest
09-02-06, 02:22 AM
The story of Quest. part 1
I dont know where to begin, so i guess the begining shall suffice.
I came to London when i was four years old (i am 21 now). Growing up, i pretty much had a laid back life style, i made my own rules to live by, derived from common sense, and my definition of whats right & whats wrong.
My family, were pretty much laid back also, religeously and culturally lost, so i guess they formed their own rules to, the only person in my house hold that prayed was my mother, my father prayed on and off.
I was very attached to my father, he was the only person whom totally intrested me, i respected him and loved him, being diciplined by father was pretty strange, he never had a problem with my not wearing the hijab, but had a problem when i wore my hair out loose! according to him it had sex appeal and was not right, so to please him, in his presence i wore a pony tail.
My father trusted me a lot, he use to be confident in my ability to do well and be upright , because of this, i never had a curfew as my friends did, i recall coming home one night at 4am, from a friends house, unlike the typical 17 year old back then, i didnt sneak in, my father was awake, and when i come home it was the same routine, i go to the fridge get something to eat, then sit with him for a bit. then sleep.
When it came to religon, i had a motto, which was pretty much, if u cant hear and obey the commands of ALLAH, then hear and acknowledge. dont make excuses for your sins. but when the going got tuff, on the day i needed to go by this motto most, i did the complete opposite.
At college there was a sister a niqaabi whom started practicing, but back in the days, she was just like me if not worse, she began to preach us in college, but most of my friends, would leave, simply because they wanted to do stuff which they didnt want her to see, but i was real, not one bone in my body was fake, the way i saw things was like, ALLAH is most deserving of my being shy and humble infront of him, so who is this niqaabi sister to me ?
because of this, if she wanted to talk to me, i would smoke infront of her, ask questions etc, i respected the fact that she was patient with my faults and didnt patronise nor attempt to psychologicaly intimidate me, because of this, when ever i was in the court yard at college, i would whistle sitting at a table bench, and shout "yo nyla" she would come, and i would order the usual religeous topic. me and her became friends, its funny but, i liked her better as a practicing muslim then when she wasnt. i felt like i found her more intresting, and for the 1st time, her words meant something, as opposed to the usual crap we use to discuss. b4 her practicing, i never held a conversation longer then 4 mins with her, simply because we didnt have anything in common well not a lot atleast, she was in to boyz, i was completely anti men, i would be friend guys, 90% of my friends were male, but the whole boyfriend girl friend thing was not appealing to me, not for religeous purposes, i just didnt like having a tag " my girl " etc. she was more of a bubble gum type of girl, you know the group that always discuss men and dates.
i was more streetwise, and into deep issues, like poetry, writing etc, we had nothing in common because i was not intrested in who she was dating, nor did i have any am dating so and so storys for her. everyone thought i had some sort of male commitment phobia, truth was, i didnt fear comitment, i just was not intrested in it, and hated drama of any sort. so guys on that level was a big no. This attitude obviously got me the wrong attention, intead of guys not being intrested and dismissing me as a "feminist" lol one actually called me that! the majority found it attractive. they thought i was playing hard to get, truth is u dont win with men, if u show intrest ur labelled, easy, desperate, so into me, etc, if u show no intrest, your labelled, shy, if you show no intrest with hostility, your labelled, playing hard to get, or a feminist. i was labelled the latter.
My life began to slightly change when i moved to west london, at 18 i got a job working in a hotel, i needed the money so worked as a waitress. my cousin hooked me up, she worked as a barmaid, near the restaurant.
I remember i use to show up to work wearing a 3 quarter length skirt and fitted white shirts, the first few weeks were pretty tuff, i didnt get along with two collegues, being to proud i put it down to jealousy, my cousin was already popular at work, so as the younger cuz, it wasnt long before i made plenty of friends. the two woman i didnt get along with, had a problem with my rising popularity. hence why i thought they were haters, they had annoyed looks on their faces when ever others complimented me, and disliked my witty nature, as they put it.
Every night my shift would end at 11pm, i would jump on the bus, get home by 11.30 and then i would play basketball alone till 2 am, i use to stay in the court till 2am, because it was around the same time, my cousin got home by a cab, when i see her ride approaching, i would run and flag the car down then ride with her to the door.
Summer 2002, many things began to change, shortly after sep 11th, i began to remember i am a muslim, its as though i was a asleep, and the propaganda about islam all over the papers woke me up. but that was not enough.
i was good at blocking the good stuff out, i pretty much was concerned about my life, i was care free when it came to religon. and recognised by some as a renegade. but i never rejected islam by heart.
during this summer of 02, i was walking one day through edgeware road, pretty much dressed like a non muslim women, i saw a group of practicing muslim brothers, whom were making dacwa, they were calling others to allah, i saw something push me towards them, approaching their table, i felt nervous, but not intimidated, i began to look at a book about the veil, and a tape called "from Rap to Reality". just then from the corner of my eye, i saw one of the brothers looking at me with this 'am disapointed' look, i was pretty much hot headed, so got angry and slightly hurt by that look. i took of my shades, then laughed, and chucked both the book and tape on the table then grabbed my shopping bags and walked off. i was the type that hated being patronised.
i continued walking, when i noticed one of the brothers behind me, he was a somali brother, i will never forget what he said
"Sister, i saw what happened, am sorry" (pause) "do not let it dis encourage you, remember why u came over in the 1st place" he then gave me the stuff i was looking at.
I was so far from the diin, i remember thinking, hmm attractive and sincere. there must be a catch, i was pessimistic about almost everything!
when i got home, i wanted to listen to the tape and read the book for all the wrong reasons, 1 being i felt like it was the least i could do due to that brothers kindness, so i did, but my cousin interrupted me often, i tried to advertise the tape to her but she responded by playing alicia keys music instead. i began to paint my nails and left her to do what ever.
The next day at work, something weird happened, my cousin had to leave for a bit, and there was no one there whom could cover the bar, my manager asked me to do it. though ignorant about islam, i had something against alcohol, something personal, so i said no, then did it anyway.
Standing their pulling pints, whilst my cuz was away, at first i thought nothing off it, then i noticed the punters were getting to comfortable with me, so i was glad my cuz returned quickly. i felt funny, and uncomfortable, i remember thinking, Wait am a muslim, when did i learn what alcohol is what when i never drank in my life! see i use to laze about at work, and often hid in the bar with my cuz, making jokes, so i learnt by watching her.
few days after that, i left the job because i went back to college and moved to east london (White chappel)
it was in white chappel the major changes about life began. i began to praise man for everything, i looked around and saw pavements, i was amazed by fences, pavements, cars, glass etc, and said to my best friend "how did a man go from seeing sand to building houses, amazing huh" etc, but then i saw the trees and the ocean and remembered ALLAH. however i was ignorant about the fact that allah gave man knowledge to build the pavements etc.
my best friend (Hannah) one day as we sat in bethnal green park, in summer 2003, said " Quest, we are bad muslims"
i put my book down and said " speak for yourself, i dont drink, i dont have sex, i dont hurt people, and i love ALLAH"
She replied " yes u also do not pray, do not wear hijab, pay zakat, and FEAR ALLAH"
ALL of that to me was bla bla bla except the "fear allah " part, i didnt comment on it, but she touched a nerve. i remember looking at her, she looked sad, hopeless and unfullfilled. she said "your my best friend, i want to go str8 but cant do it alone, if u and i quest become true to ALLAH, many will follow, look how many people look up to us, how many praise us endlessly, how many we influence, truth is they do and we do for all the wrong reasons, this aint right man, why cant u see, walahi we have to change"
i replied " am not gonna do anything i wont keep up"
she began to talk and i interrupted her saying " let me learn to crawl before i can walk"
she said "desperate words of a loser" i got annoyed and replied "take it back hannah" she refused, we fell out because i walked off.
but we couldnt ignore each other, we lived in the same shared home in white chappell. plus that night i wanted to go out, and needed her new shoes.
her words kept coming back to me, i asked myself am i a loser ? hannah is ur best friend she is the twin of u, why would she say something just to hurt u etc. i got no answers. we started talking the same day, but i managed to win, and she didnt give me the oh we are lost souls speech ever again.
It was on a friday, around juma time, i had a room full of my girls, some of us were chilling, smoking marijuana, listening to music, and gossiping about watever, when i realised one of them used up the last paper, i took some money and began to walk to the petrol station outside white chappel mosque, what happened next changed my life for ever.
as i tell u, its like i can see it all happening again, i even remember what i was wearing, what my hands were doing at that moment. wat i was thinking etc, i remember laughing at the fact that the street near my home looked nice in the day time, but at night it was a red light district where all the hookers come out to play, i should know because i would be walking home late most nights and some freak would stop his car saying "buissness" i didnt understand what he meant, so i would say " well finish the sentence then, buissness what ?" he would laugh as though he was embarassed then say " how much" i realised then, my god the anger i felt, i began to spit at his car and curse him, he drove off. i was thinking, am wearing a hat and nikes, how do i look like a hooker ? am carrying a bag also, since when do hookers carry big gym bags!! so u see why i was laughing.
anyways, when i got to the main road, i saw many muslims walking towards white chappel mosque, to pray juma, i didnt think much about it. then as i continued to walk. i heard the call to prayer.
i heard this call before, but what struck me about the white chappel one was the fact that i was outside and i heard it, something climbed up my back, i felt some sort of shiver, to the extent i felt as though i couldnt move, am standing in the middle of the road, both cars on each side thinking am trying to cross to any side, the adaan continued, i began to look around, and saw near the mosque across the street was a pub and many non muslims were standing outside drinking, i looked back to the other side and i saw youth around my age group running to the mosque, i was 19 at that point of my life.
This to me was a clear sign, i stood in the middle, to my right were muslims and to my left were non muslims, i was a muslim in theory, but a kafir in action, my conscience spoke to me and said the two roads quest, to ALLAH there are no inbetweens, whats it gonna be ?
at this point the cars began to beep, drivers got annoyed by me so i crossed over to the side of the kafirs, i sat on a closed newspaper stand, and just watched those muslims flog into the mosque. kind of like when the animals entered noahs ark 2 by 2, they entered the mosque 2 by 2.
i was staring and at the same time had tears coming down my eyes, then da adaan got to the "hayaa alal falaa" (come to success ) part, it made sense. but i felt to weak and un worthy to obey.
Then an asian brother, dressed in the prophets sunnah, approached me, he asked "sister why are u crying"
i wiped my tears and replied " am not crying man, its the wind" but he was not buying it he asked if i was lost i replied "sort off"
there was something about him, like the somali brother in edgeware road, neither of them would look at me directly eye to eye as they spoke, i wondered why his gaze was lowered, he began to walk away when i called out to him and said "excuse me" he turned around and i said with a breaky voice and a stutter " does da does allah forgive all sins" he said "yes if alive and u repent, but if dead he forgives all except shirk" i asked him what shirk was he informed me that it was to associate partners with allah.
i replied " i have never done that, but i smoke weed ocationaly" he replied "i see, why sister ? " i responded "i dont know, look i dont want to , i need help, how do i become upright"
he smiled, this was the 1st time he looked at me, now i felt shy and did what he was doing, i looked down, told me to wait there, and that he would get his sister whom was in the mosque, for some reason i said " no dont, i dont want to tell no stranger my problem, i only told u because,,,,i dont know look never mind u can leave"
he said " if u feel comfortable with me then u will feel more comfort with my sister, u have more in common then u think"
I dont know where to begin, so i guess the begining shall suffice.
I came to London when i was four years old (i am 21 now). Growing up, i pretty much had a laid back life style, i made my own rules to live by, derived from common sense, and my definition of whats right & whats wrong.
My family, were pretty much laid back also, religeously and culturally lost, so i guess they formed their own rules to, the only person in my house hold that prayed was my mother, my father prayed on and off.
I was very attached to my father, he was the only person whom totally intrested me, i respected him and loved him, being diciplined by father was pretty strange, he never had a problem with my not wearing the hijab, but had a problem when i wore my hair out loose! according to him it had sex appeal and was not right, so to please him, in his presence i wore a pony tail.
My father trusted me a lot, he use to be confident in my ability to do well and be upright , because of this, i never had a curfew as my friends did, i recall coming home one night at 4am, from a friends house, unlike the typical 17 year old back then, i didnt sneak in, my father was awake, and when i come home it was the same routine, i go to the fridge get something to eat, then sit with him for a bit. then sleep.
When it came to religon, i had a motto, which was pretty much, if u cant hear and obey the commands of ALLAH, then hear and acknowledge. dont make excuses for your sins. but when the going got tuff, on the day i needed to go by this motto most, i did the complete opposite.
At college there was a sister a niqaabi whom started practicing, but back in the days, she was just like me if not worse, she began to preach us in college, but most of my friends, would leave, simply because they wanted to do stuff which they didnt want her to see, but i was real, not one bone in my body was fake, the way i saw things was like, ALLAH is most deserving of my being shy and humble infront of him, so who is this niqaabi sister to me ?
because of this, if she wanted to talk to me, i would smoke infront of her, ask questions etc, i respected the fact that she was patient with my faults and didnt patronise nor attempt to psychologicaly intimidate me, because of this, when ever i was in the court yard at college, i would whistle sitting at a table bench, and shout "yo nyla" she would come, and i would order the usual religeous topic. me and her became friends, its funny but, i liked her better as a practicing muslim then when she wasnt. i felt like i found her more intresting, and for the 1st time, her words meant something, as opposed to the usual crap we use to discuss. b4 her practicing, i never held a conversation longer then 4 mins with her, simply because we didnt have anything in common well not a lot atleast, she was in to boyz, i was completely anti men, i would be friend guys, 90% of my friends were male, but the whole boyfriend girl friend thing was not appealing to me, not for religeous purposes, i just didnt like having a tag " my girl " etc. she was more of a bubble gum type of girl, you know the group that always discuss men and dates.
i was more streetwise, and into deep issues, like poetry, writing etc, we had nothing in common because i was not intrested in who she was dating, nor did i have any am dating so and so storys for her. everyone thought i had some sort of male commitment phobia, truth was, i didnt fear comitment, i just was not intrested in it, and hated drama of any sort. so guys on that level was a big no. This attitude obviously got me the wrong attention, intead of guys not being intrested and dismissing me as a "feminist" lol one actually called me that! the majority found it attractive. they thought i was playing hard to get, truth is u dont win with men, if u show intrest ur labelled, easy, desperate, so into me, etc, if u show no intrest, your labelled, shy, if you show no intrest with hostility, your labelled, playing hard to get, or a feminist. i was labelled the latter.
My life began to slightly change when i moved to west london, at 18 i got a job working in a hotel, i needed the money so worked as a waitress. my cousin hooked me up, she worked as a barmaid, near the restaurant.
I remember i use to show up to work wearing a 3 quarter length skirt and fitted white shirts, the first few weeks were pretty tuff, i didnt get along with two collegues, being to proud i put it down to jealousy, my cousin was already popular at work, so as the younger cuz, it wasnt long before i made plenty of friends. the two woman i didnt get along with, had a problem with my rising popularity. hence why i thought they were haters, they had annoyed looks on their faces when ever others complimented me, and disliked my witty nature, as they put it.
Every night my shift would end at 11pm, i would jump on the bus, get home by 11.30 and then i would play basketball alone till 2 am, i use to stay in the court till 2am, because it was around the same time, my cousin got home by a cab, when i see her ride approaching, i would run and flag the car down then ride with her to the door.
Summer 2002, many things began to change, shortly after sep 11th, i began to remember i am a muslim, its as though i was a asleep, and the propaganda about islam all over the papers woke me up. but that was not enough.
i was good at blocking the good stuff out, i pretty much was concerned about my life, i was care free when it came to religon. and recognised by some as a renegade. but i never rejected islam by heart.
during this summer of 02, i was walking one day through edgeware road, pretty much dressed like a non muslim women, i saw a group of practicing muslim brothers, whom were making dacwa, they were calling others to allah, i saw something push me towards them, approaching their table, i felt nervous, but not intimidated, i began to look at a book about the veil, and a tape called "from Rap to Reality". just then from the corner of my eye, i saw one of the brothers looking at me with this 'am disapointed' look, i was pretty much hot headed, so got angry and slightly hurt by that look. i took of my shades, then laughed, and chucked both the book and tape on the table then grabbed my shopping bags and walked off. i was the type that hated being patronised.
i continued walking, when i noticed one of the brothers behind me, he was a somali brother, i will never forget what he said
"Sister, i saw what happened, am sorry" (pause) "do not let it dis encourage you, remember why u came over in the 1st place" he then gave me the stuff i was looking at.
I was so far from the diin, i remember thinking, hmm attractive and sincere. there must be a catch, i was pessimistic about almost everything!
when i got home, i wanted to listen to the tape and read the book for all the wrong reasons, 1 being i felt like it was the least i could do due to that brothers kindness, so i did, but my cousin interrupted me often, i tried to advertise the tape to her but she responded by playing alicia keys music instead. i began to paint my nails and left her to do what ever.
The next day at work, something weird happened, my cousin had to leave for a bit, and there was no one there whom could cover the bar, my manager asked me to do it. though ignorant about islam, i had something against alcohol, something personal, so i said no, then did it anyway.
Standing their pulling pints, whilst my cuz was away, at first i thought nothing off it, then i noticed the punters were getting to comfortable with me, so i was glad my cuz returned quickly. i felt funny, and uncomfortable, i remember thinking, Wait am a muslim, when did i learn what alcohol is what when i never drank in my life! see i use to laze about at work, and often hid in the bar with my cuz, making jokes, so i learnt by watching her.
few days after that, i left the job because i went back to college and moved to east london (White chappel)
it was in white chappel the major changes about life began. i began to praise man for everything, i looked around and saw pavements, i was amazed by fences, pavements, cars, glass etc, and said to my best friend "how did a man go from seeing sand to building houses, amazing huh" etc, but then i saw the trees and the ocean and remembered ALLAH. however i was ignorant about the fact that allah gave man knowledge to build the pavements etc.
my best friend (Hannah) one day as we sat in bethnal green park, in summer 2003, said " Quest, we are bad muslims"
i put my book down and said " speak for yourself, i dont drink, i dont have sex, i dont hurt people, and i love ALLAH"
She replied " yes u also do not pray, do not wear hijab, pay zakat, and FEAR ALLAH"
ALL of that to me was bla bla bla except the "fear allah " part, i didnt comment on it, but she touched a nerve. i remember looking at her, she looked sad, hopeless and unfullfilled. she said "your my best friend, i want to go str8 but cant do it alone, if u and i quest become true to ALLAH, many will follow, look how many people look up to us, how many praise us endlessly, how many we influence, truth is they do and we do for all the wrong reasons, this aint right man, why cant u see, walahi we have to change"
i replied " am not gonna do anything i wont keep up"
she began to talk and i interrupted her saying " let me learn to crawl before i can walk"
she said "desperate words of a loser" i got annoyed and replied "take it back hannah" she refused, we fell out because i walked off.
but we couldnt ignore each other, we lived in the same shared home in white chappell. plus that night i wanted to go out, and needed her new shoes.
her words kept coming back to me, i asked myself am i a loser ? hannah is ur best friend she is the twin of u, why would she say something just to hurt u etc. i got no answers. we started talking the same day, but i managed to win, and she didnt give me the oh we are lost souls speech ever again.
It was on a friday, around juma time, i had a room full of my girls, some of us were chilling, smoking marijuana, listening to music, and gossiping about watever, when i realised one of them used up the last paper, i took some money and began to walk to the petrol station outside white chappel mosque, what happened next changed my life for ever.
as i tell u, its like i can see it all happening again, i even remember what i was wearing, what my hands were doing at that moment. wat i was thinking etc, i remember laughing at the fact that the street near my home looked nice in the day time, but at night it was a red light district where all the hookers come out to play, i should know because i would be walking home late most nights and some freak would stop his car saying "buissness" i didnt understand what he meant, so i would say " well finish the sentence then, buissness what ?" he would laugh as though he was embarassed then say " how much" i realised then, my god the anger i felt, i began to spit at his car and curse him, he drove off. i was thinking, am wearing a hat and nikes, how do i look like a hooker ? am carrying a bag also, since when do hookers carry big gym bags!! so u see why i was laughing.
anyways, when i got to the main road, i saw many muslims walking towards white chappel mosque, to pray juma, i didnt think much about it. then as i continued to walk. i heard the call to prayer.
i heard this call before, but what struck me about the white chappel one was the fact that i was outside and i heard it, something climbed up my back, i felt some sort of shiver, to the extent i felt as though i couldnt move, am standing in the middle of the road, both cars on each side thinking am trying to cross to any side, the adaan continued, i began to look around, and saw near the mosque across the street was a pub and many non muslims were standing outside drinking, i looked back to the other side and i saw youth around my age group running to the mosque, i was 19 at that point of my life.
This to me was a clear sign, i stood in the middle, to my right were muslims and to my left were non muslims, i was a muslim in theory, but a kafir in action, my conscience spoke to me and said the two roads quest, to ALLAH there are no inbetweens, whats it gonna be ?
at this point the cars began to beep, drivers got annoyed by me so i crossed over to the side of the kafirs, i sat on a closed newspaper stand, and just watched those muslims flog into the mosque. kind of like when the animals entered noahs ark 2 by 2, they entered the mosque 2 by 2.
i was staring and at the same time had tears coming down my eyes, then da adaan got to the "hayaa alal falaa" (come to success ) part, it made sense. but i felt to weak and un worthy to obey.
Then an asian brother, dressed in the prophets sunnah, approached me, he asked "sister why are u crying"
i wiped my tears and replied " am not crying man, its the wind" but he was not buying it he asked if i was lost i replied "sort off"
there was something about him, like the somali brother in edgeware road, neither of them would look at me directly eye to eye as they spoke, i wondered why his gaze was lowered, he began to walk away when i called out to him and said "excuse me" he turned around and i said with a breaky voice and a stutter " does da does allah forgive all sins" he said "yes if alive and u repent, but if dead he forgives all except shirk" i asked him what shirk was he informed me that it was to associate partners with allah.
i replied " i have never done that, but i smoke weed ocationaly" he replied "i see, why sister ? " i responded "i dont know, look i dont want to , i need help, how do i become upright"
he smiled, this was the 1st time he looked at me, now i felt shy and did what he was doing, i looked down, told me to wait there, and that he would get his sister whom was in the mosque, for some reason i said " no dont, i dont want to tell no stranger my problem, i only told u because,,,,i dont know look never mind u can leave"
he said " if u feel comfortable with me then u will feel more comfort with my sister, u have more in common then u think"