Compatibility in marriage

[ze leetle elper]

Bump...just felt like it :p

[Ebony]

You know what? I think its all nice and cosy talking about what you want out of a marriage, and how you would want X amount as your mahr, and have a small wedding in your back garden etc

But most often than not, you dont get to do that, because your family (particularly your mother and father) have different ideals for you; they want a large wedding and invite people they know because frankly to them its a big deal (which it is) and they want you to remember your wedding day and in some ways, thats how they demonstrate their love to you.

And most things that some parents want as part of the marriage (e.g. a decent mahr for their daughter, a decent bloke who can earn and can stand on his own two feet instead of sponging off his mum/dad, someone of good character etc) aren't things that are unislamic or are sinful :rolleyes: so why can't some people compromise? It seems to me some people are of the opinion its their way or the high way when it comes to these things. And thats a sad attitude to have.

They are your parents. They are entitled to make decisions on your behalf - if you dont agree with them, then see whether your disagreement has any real grounds for it and speak to them about it. Communicate.

They aren't the ogre's you think they are...parents can surprise their children sometimes...you expect a certain reaction from them about something (usually one of anger, disbelief etc) but sometimes, you dont get that. So never assume, always find out :)

[ze leetle elper]

bumpy again...for ibn suleman and other marriage obsessed people :p Some good times in ths thread lol

[Umm 'Umarah]

I really like this thread, some really useful points made. :up:

[sunrise]

goes to read 13 pages of drabble.. i hope it's worth it lol

[ibn suleman]

bumpy again...for ibn suleman and other marriage obsessed people :p Some good times in ths thread lol

LOL.. :smack:

whaaa..how..ive not made a thread here for ages..nor post much in this section either....

[Ebony]

lol this thread was so funny. Its basically jibberish in the last 3 pages.

[Umm 'Umarah]

In the end.. no matter how perfect something or someone can seem.. marriage is a risk.

You risk your whole life.. you hand yourself over to one person for life. And thats that.

No matter how long you search for someone compatible.. you have no guarantee of anything.. they could turn out different from what you thought, the relationship could turn out different to what you thought.. your own feelings could turn out different to what you thought.

What if you just can't be satisfied or happy with what you have despite the person trying their best.. sometimes it's just a matter of your own head and heart being the problem.. not your husband or wife.

This is an excellent point.

It's true, the whole marriage thing is risky business. :nervous:

[ibn suleman]

This is an excellent point.

It's true, the whole marriage thing is risky business. :nervous:

welcome to life! :D :p

[Umm 'Umarah]

welcome to life! :D :p

thanks for the welcome :p

With life in general, you're responsible for yourself, you make your own decisions, the outcome of your actions affects only you, possibly your family, depending on what it is you do.

With marriage it's all this 'partnership' paraphernalia isn't it.

Some men are more complicated than women.

[ibn suleman]

thanks for the welcome :p

With life in general, you're responsible for yourself, you make your own decisions, the outcome of your actions affects only you, possibly your family, depending on what it is you do.

With marriage it's all this 'partnership' paraphernalia isn't it.

Some men are more complicated than women.

not necessarily true,

every day u make many decisions which have risks associated with them which are out of ur control. such is life. and the effects can be far reaching too...

will i get run over today?..Allah knows best, all i can do is use the crossing to mitigate my risk and put my trust in Allah...

so its all abt making an informed decision...which is the tying of ur camel
and then trusting in Allah
(p.s i am not comparing the husband to a camel and i do not condone tying him up :p)

anyway worrying cos its risky..theres no point doing that...

as for complicated..now thats where the worry comes in...men are simple beings...so thats ok for the bride....whereas women...:wacko:

:outta:

[in_exile]

Assalam Alaykum

I know a few people who have reached ages of 30+, still unmarried looking for their ideal partners, and it generally is the case with many people and a growing trend.

Main cause of this is people looking for 'ideal partners'. Sometimes its a guy looking J lo in Hijaab or girl looking for Rambo with a beard and thobe. Sometimes its more than than, they look for 'compatibility' in a really superficial way, like looking for someone who thinks the same, has the same sense of humour, has same type of education, and blah blah stuff.


Is this all necessary if people can adjust later after marriage? Do looks really matter? or sense of humour for that matter?

any thoughts?

three years on and you still aint found the answer... still just another 30 plus bachelor *outta*

[Makhdumah]

three years on and you still aint found the answer... still just another 30 plus bachelor *outta*

hehehe...sorry but that is quite funny.....:rofl1:

[RazielTemp]

Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3090, Narrated Abu Hurairah, r.a.

Allah's Messenger :saw: (peace be upon him) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.'

[Tirmidhi, Nasa'i and Ibn Majah transmitted it.]

few people heed this Hadith ...

:jkk:

[EarlyBird]

Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3090, Narrated Abu Hurairah, r.a.

Allah's Messenger :saw: (peace be upon him) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.'

[Tirmidhi, Nasa'i and Ibn Majah transmitted it.]

few people heed this Hadith ...

:jkk:

i dont understand the last part.?

[Al-Farooq]

Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3090, Narrated Abu Hurairah, r.a.

Allah's Messenger :saw: (peace be upon him) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.'

[Tirmidhi, Nasa'i and Ibn Majah transmitted it.]

few people heed this Hadith ...

:jkk:

Yep, that's all you need to look at.

Not bank accounts, not skin colour, not belonging to the right "caste"....just deen and character masha'Allah.

:jkk: for the reminder akhi. :up:

[Safiya]

not necessarily true,

every day u make many decisions which have risks associated with them which are out of ur control. such is life. and the effects can be far reaching too...

will i get run over today?..Allah knows best, all i can do is use the crossing to mitigate my risk and put my trust in Allah...

so its all abt making an informed decision...which is the tying of ur camel
and then trusting in Allah
(p.s i am not comparing the husband to a camel and i do not condone tying him up :p)

anyway worrying cos its risky..theres no point doing that...

as for complicated..now thats where the worry comes in...men are simple beings...so thats ok for the bride....whereas women...:wacko:

:outta:

Um, it's a HUGE decision...

[ibn suleman]

Um, it's a HUGE decision...

yeh true...

but maybe its made bigger than it needs to be...




p.s..please ignore me, i dont think my posts are making sense :scratch:

[Hiking]

Um, it's a HUGE decision...

yeh true...

but maybe its made bigger than it needs to be...




p.s..please ignore me, i dont think my posts are making sense :scratch:

I get where both of you are coming from, but I think that marriage - something that should be made really easy - is soo hyped up (I don't mean that it's unwarranted) but people develop unrealistic views of what to expect, I think alot of people expect to find somebody that matches with them exactly (their ideal hubby/wife in their own views) so that nobody really expects alot of the compromise that comes with it. (I've always thought that) In the early days of Islam a woman of marriageable age was married off asap, the finding of a husband wasn't hard because they married for their deen and not for their worldly traits right? :scratch: I THINK that made sense but feel free to edit to make it coherent. Also, can I get some hadeeth of early marriages? (If there are some in this thread forgive me for asking, I am scrolling back now)

Edit: My bad, I think I just repeated the whole discussion :smack: ah well...tis my opinion too :(

[Salman Al-Farsi]

three years on and you still aint found the answer... still just another 30 plus bachelor *outta*

or maybe I have and long way to go before I hit 30 :p

[RazielTemp]

i dont understand the last part.?

Which part?

The Hadith is very clear ... it says that when a Proposal comes from a Person of Good Character and Religion Obviously meaning Islam, it aught to be accepted ... Otherwise there will be more Fitna and Fassad/corruption on Earth ...

regards.

[muslimaya]

luckily i've married in my 21 yeras old :D

[Russo]

I know this is slightly off-topice but another reason why there are so many unmarried ppl is that no one mentioned that the community as a whole isnt helping families find suitable partners for thei sons/daughters.

I know many people who say that they dont know ppl so its difficult to put the word out.

The masjids should all be networking with each other so that people can approach them about suitable marriage partners. A person living in Scotland for example, should be able to find a spouse in London if the masjids were more pro-active and cohesive with one another.

Communities are fragmented and even within towns, ppl may know who anyone etc.

hope that makes sense. lol

[RazielTemp]

I know this is slightly off-topice but another reason why there are so many unmarried ppl is that no one mentioned that the community as a whole isnt helping families find suitable partners for thei sons/daughters.

I know many people who say that they dont know ppl so its difficult to put the word out.

The masjids should all be networking with each other so that people can approach them about suitable marriage partners. A person living in Scotland for example, should be able to find a spouse in London if the masjids were more pro-active and cohesive with one another.

Communities are fragmented and even within towns, ppl may know who anyone etc.

hope that makes sense. lol

Indeed,

:jkk: